The Equestrian Anomaly

Celestia lead the group to her throne room, hoping to move the causes of panic out of the town and into somewhere where she could speak to them without having something go out of control. She sat at her throne, watching the man in the hat and the younger girl having a strange argument.

"Bitch, I told you, New York is better than LA no matter what." Anna said to the older man, who only scoffed.

"West coast is best coast, so shut your mouth." he said.

Celestia cleared her throat, gaining the group's attention.

"Now then, I want a full introduction. What is happening, why are you here, and what is it you seek."

The group fell silent, all looking at each other to see who'd speak for them.

"I don't remember precisely. There were three people, and they said something about exploring a new dimension." Dimitri said. "I....cannot come to a reason why they chose us."

"Probably because we're expendable?" Chris said, adding to Dimitri's clause. "Whatever, I'm pretty sure I got captured by the Chinese and somebody thought it'd be funny to slip me a fucking roofie. I'm just gonna wake up later with my pants down and not remember shit."

Anna bursted into laughter. Celestia put a hoof to her face at the human's stupidity. She looked to the tall woman on the far right.

"I am Illyana the Feared, Dragonborn, I go where I am needed. I kill dragons, I clear dungeons, I even fight civil wars." She shrugged. "Guess I'm needed here now."

Celestia sighed, barely comprehending the situation.

"That doesn't help in the slightest. Can you tell me about yourselves? What are your hobbies, what you enjoy doing?" she asked. In all honesty, she had no idea how to handle the siuation. The Humans obviously didn't know what was happening, and neither did she. The first to speak was Chris.

"Well, I told you my name's Chris." He said. "Well, I like kicking people's asses. I also like blowing shit up and shooting the fuck out of anything."

"Huh, Psycho." Anna said. She took a small step forward. "Name's Anna, and I....I really have no idea what I reallly like. I've always liked drinking, and eating."

"Doesn't everyone?" Chris said. Anna reached a fist up and punched him in the groin behind her.

"Yep, and I like hitting people. It makes me laugh at their pain." She laughed, making Princess Celestia slightly uncomfortable.

"You really suck." Chris said in a pained voice on the floor. He shakily stood, clutching his crotch.  Celestia looked to the other two, getting silence from Dimitri.

She pressed a hoof to her forehead, still as confused as before. She teleported a piece of parchment and a quill before her, and began writing something down. The humans stood in an awkward silence, each of them looking at each other strangely. Chris looked to Anna.

"Imma bust a cap in your ass." he threatened. Anna put on her most innocent face, with her dirty blond hair falling over her eye.

"You'd shoot a poor little girl?" She said in a cutesy voice. Chris only smiled deviantly.

"I shot a lot worse. You ever shoot a minigun on full auto at a bunch of commies? It's fucking orgasmic." The thirteen year old frowned.

Celestia finished writing and teleported the scroll away, giving the human's a strange look.

"What did you just do?" Dimitri said with interest. "I've yet to see somebody, or in this case pony, use a form of teleportation and telekinesis." Celestia smiled.

"Magic. Almost any unicorn can use it." She said. Chris scoffed.

"Pfft, I fucking ended up in a fucking world some crazy little girl made up." he said.

Before Celestia could make a retort at the statement, a  scroll poofed into existance before her. Celestia sighed and opened it,  read it quickly and sighed again.

"Alright, I've just received word from my most trusted student. She is coming to help us all figure this issue out. I have a sneaking feeling the Elements might be needed."

"So we wait?" Illyana said, making Celestia nod. "How long?"

"Could be an hour, or maybe thirty minutes." Celestia shrugged. "I'm not truly omnipotent."

"Heh, she said 'omnipotent'" Chris said with a smile. Celestia returned his smile.

"Do you always act so immature?" She asked. Chris continued to smile..

"I'm not immature. I'm a fucking man-child." He raised his hand. "Anybody for a high five?"

He got no response, but rather another smack to the genitals. Illyana laughed heartily, and slapped Anna on the back jovially.

"Ha, you must know a lot of how to keep men in their place." She said. Anna only shrugged.

"Meh, he was kinda pissing me off."  She leaned over him, "You gonna stop?"

He only glared in response.

"So..." He rose to his feet shakily. "Who wants to hear a joke?"

Silence.

"Alright," He said in a very strange English accent. "So a bloke and a Giraffe walk into a bar. They both get a drink, but the giraffe feels tired and lays down. The bartender looks up and goes 'Oi, what's that Lyin' there?' and the bloke goes. 'That's not a Lion, that's a giraffe!"

A cricket trapped somewhere else chirped once. Chris rolled his eyes indignantly.

"Oh you guys can suck a fat black-"

He was interrupted by a bright flash, which put him and all the other humans to their backsides.

"Sorry for the delay Princess," A new voice said. "But we didn't expect you to call us out of the blue. Luckily we were all in the same place, so we came as quick as we could."

"That's quite alright, Twilight. In fact, you're just in time." Princess Celestia pointed behind Twilight, drawing the six new arrival's eyes to the group of humans. "I wished to seek you and your friends wisdom on, eh....these."

Twilight Sparkle and her friends stared at the group of humans, completely baffled. The humans weren't much different, with all of them staring back, more annoyed rather than shocked.

Though the most peculiar thing was Chris staring at Rainbow Dash with the strangest look on his face. Rainbow stared back.

They stared some more.

And kept staring.

.....Guys. Seriously. Stop staring.

"Uh....Hi?" She said, breaking the silence. "What's your name?"

And just like that he  broke out of his stare and smiled a strange smile.

"Dude, you're rainbow colored." he said. Rainbow Dash shrugged awkwardly.

"Yeah....and?"

He stared at the other ponies, and a look of annoyance washed over his face.

"I just realized all these ponies are fucking stupid colors." He put his hands up in defeat. "This must be some really good shit."

Dimitri stepped toward them and gently pushed Chris out of the way, who was currently muttering something about 'Coca-Cola with Acid.'

"Greetings young comrade friends. General Irasovian custom dictates that I give you food." He reached behind him and pulled a rotted piece of bread from his pocket. "Horses like bread, Da?"

Something in the tone of his voice, or the fact that he held probably the stinkiest piece of garbage before her, made Rarity already begin to dislike this human.

"I'm sorry dear, that appears to be rotten. You may want to get another piece of food for your custom." Dimitri shrugged and took a bite out of it, disgusting Rarity in the Process.

"More for me then." he said between mouthfuls. "My name is Dimitri Saminov, You?"

"I," She flipped her mane back elegantly. "am Rarity, owner of the fabulous Carousel Boutique." Dimitri shrugged and finished his bread.

"Good to know." he said, he looked towards the other ponies, also looking at him strangely. "And your friends?"

Rarity opened her mouth to introduce her friends, but a bouncing pink ball of energy popped into Dimitri's vision.

"Oh, I'm Pinkie Pie! And this is..." she cleared her throat.  "Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight Sparkle!"  The names flew out like they were shot from a phonetic machine gun.

"Those names sound pretty douche-y." Anna said, stretching an arm over her head. "What kind of stupid parent names their kid after a cereal?"

"Beg pardon?" Rarity said, a little confused. she was ignored as the Dragonborn swaggered up to the group, ready to boast.

"I'm Illyana the Feared!" she said loudly. "I am dragonborn! It was, and still is, my destiny to destroy Alduin and restore balance to the world!"

The ponies stared at her confused.

"I've found some very......strange things indeed." Celestia said, making everyone turn to her. "That's why I've asked you here, to help me figure out what to do with these creatures."

"Oh," Twilight said, a little confused. "Right. That letter." She bowed. "I'd be honored, Princess." Celestia smiled.

"Good. For now, these humans will stay in Canterlot, as will you. Twilight, I need you and your friends to watch over these things while they're here. The elements are always good to have nearby when facing the unknown."

"Yes, Princess Celestia." Twilight said, putting a hoof to her brow in a mock salute. Rainbow Dash frowned.

"Princess, I don't mean to be a spoilsport, but what if they try to hurt us or something." She looked to the Dovahkiin, who was enveloped in a conversation with Chris.

"Hmm," Celestia frowned. "I'm sure they won't try anything."

At that moment, both Illyana and Chris got into defensive stances, with the dragonborn unsheating her sword and Chris aiming his machine gun.

"Bitch, I will put your brain on the far side of this room for saying that." he yelled. Poiting his assault rifle to her skull. "Ain't nobody talkin' shit 'bout my fried chicken. I will eat your soul for that shit!" The dragonborn scoffed.

"You think you can best me?! I am the Harbinger of the Companions, The listener of the Dark Brotherhood. I am a thane in each of the nine holds. You have no chance against me!" She yelled. "And for the record, Chicken is a pansy food. Goatleg is much better!"

Celestia sighed as the two humans began shouting even more nosensical things. Dimitri rolled his eyes and walked between them, shoving them apart to the ground.

"Comrades, please. This is no time for petty arguments. We are in front of royalty!" he shouted louder than the other two. A spark erupted from his hands and engulfed his arm. "Now then, we all figure this situation out, or all of you are going to feel the wrath of the gods!"

"He's right guys, Stop your bullshit for five seconds and let's just get this over with." Anna said. Chris and Illyana gave each other a strange look, before shrugging and standing up.

Princess Celestia looked at the scene in complete confusion. She looked to the other six, and noticed equally as disturbed looks. She composed herself and cleared her throat.

"In order to help improve relations with you and your race, I am offering you all to stay here in Canterlot while we settle this whole mess out. You are welcome to stay as long as you wish, so long as you don't cause too much trouble." She smiled. "Meanwhile, I must speak to my sister and my friends on this matter. Shining Armor will show you to your rooms for now."

The four humans looked at each other and shrugged. Shining Armor, sitting close to the entrance sighed and approached the humans.

"You guys heard her, let's go." he said. The group shrugged and prepared to leave. A rather tired form of Princess Luna walked blearily into the room, rubbing her eye and glancing around.

"Oh, did I miss something Celly? I thought I heard-" her eyes locked onto the Humans' own.

And all sorts of hell erupted forth.