The Equestrian Anomaly

by Late Night Delight

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Random, Crossover, Human, Comedy
Length: 4106

Four humans of different dimensions get sent to Equestria to explore it's riches: including a jaded orphan girl named Annie, An Army Ranger of an Anarchic America, A Dragonborn with a knack for battle, and a man who could call upon the storm.

So an Ex-Army Ranger, A disgruntled orphan, A vengeful antihero, and A dragonborn find themselves in the crazy, crazy world of Equestria after a strange meeting with a strange set of people. They're not exactly…….the friendliest of humans, and their behavior shocks and disturbs the denizens of the strange world. So sit back, grab a beer, and get ready for the most pointless adventure ever devised by the crazed mind of HeavyMetalCommunist.

Rated Mature for naughty language and some offensive themes.

(A complete overhaul of the original, Because it was going to die a horrible pitiful death. Inspired in part by Humans, Ponies, and Chaos)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-23 02:49:41 UTC

There goes the neighborhood

"So what in high holy fuck are you doing?"

A blonde haired woman, who wore a shiny pair of rounded glasses, sighed and put the pen she was holding to the side. She brushed a hair back, and looked at who dared interrupt her.

"If you must know, Alucard, I'm signing a project to commission a fund to a fairly competent wizard from the united states to open a portal to a recenly discovered dimension." Sir Integra Hellsing replied. Alucard, a self proclaimed "Fuckmothering Vampire" let a smile creep onto his face.

"Oh really now?" he said. "Why the hell would you do that? You know you could've had me do it. I can do shit far beyond your feeble little brain."

Integra groaned and pressed a button on her intercom.

"Please tell me Grandmaster David "Fuck you all"Davidson is here." She said. There was a slight pause on the other end, then a rather bored tone greeted her back.

"Yeah, he just walked out of some wierd portal that looks like the asshole of satan, like, right in front of me." the voice on the other end said.  There was a short sound akin to a thousand terrified babies crying on the other side.

"Hey yo wassup, shitheads?" a very rambunctious voice said on the other end. "Where the fuck this Integra hoe at?"

"In her office somewhere upstairs. All show you th-"

The intercom shut off as a surge of energy rippled through the room, and a vagina shaped portal opened before Integra's desk. Out of the genital shaped portal walked a rather aged looking african american man. He had a white robe reminiscent of a bedsheet on his body, and he wore a thick pair of sunglasses.

"Sup bitches?" He said. "I'm here to help some bitch open up a fucking portal to some shithole dimension."

Integra sighed and stood.

"My name is Sir Integra Hellsing, and I have sent a request to have you help us explore a dimension not previously known to us or anybody." she said. David Davidson laughed heartily.

"Well you called the right guy fo' the job, sir." he said. "Though I don't know why ya'll sent a blind nigga to help you out."

Alucard let an amused grin onto his face and looked at Integra, who only gave him an exhausted look back.

"Well, we need someone to see what is in this unknown world. Where are we going to get some expendable people to go for us?"

Alucard cleared his throat.

"Well, since the blind guy ain't gonna do-"

"No."

"But why?" he whined, extending the "why" for longer then needed.

"Do you want another incident like the one with police girl?" Integra replied. "All I need now is a whole dimension filled with crazy vampire wankers ready to gut everybody in a three thousand kilometer radius."

Alucard huffed and crossed his arms like a child.

"Hey, I got the perfect solution to your little problem." David said. "Look, I'll just pull some poor motherfuckers from other dimensions and send them there to peek that shit for us."

He snapped his fingers and four vagina shaped portals opened behind him.  Each of them looked into various worlds and dimensions. David muttered something about cheese and four large white tentacles bursted from the portals carrying four different people. He clapped his hands and the dropped, rather harshly, to the floor.

"Hey! What the fuck!" A high pitched girls yell sounded from her seated position. The girl looked up, only to see Alucard's best creeper face just inches away from her. She jumped and scooted back towards where the other people were picking themselves up.

"What in Jesus Fuck's name is going the fuck on?!" A surprised sounding man yelled loudly, pointing the assault rifle around the room crazily.

Another man, a bit smaller then the first, streamed a course of expletives in his home language everywhere, and his hands lit up with electricity.

The final person, a woman garbed in strange furs, raised a very large and very dangerous looking sword above her head.

"What in Talos' name is happening!?" she yelled. David Davidson snapped his fingers, freezing all the people in their tracks, leaving a confused and frightened bunch of people standing rather awkwardly in the office.

"Alright, so which one of you bitches wants to go exploring?" David Davidson said. The group of people stared at him blankly. "Alright, it's gonna be all ya'll." He turned and began chanting something to the far left, leaing the group paralyzed by the spell he put on them

Integra walked put her hands on her desk and looked at each of them intently.

"Since we're pressed for time, I'll just give you a brief summary." she cleared her throat. "You are now under a commission by me, Sir Integra Hellsing, to explore a recently discovered dimension we believe may have strong supernatural abilities. You are to go to this dimension for one week to give help us figure out this whole mess. Your countries are proud of you, yada yada yada. Davidson, Are you done?"

"Yep," He responded quickly. "All we gotta do is push these poor motherfuckers into here and let 'em loose."

Quicker then a squirrel on speed, David Davidson lifted the more then confused group with his wizard powers and pushed them towards the portal.

"Oh, and if you fuck up, I get dibs on eating all of you!" Alucard jeered as the group of people fell through the supernatural genitalia.

The portal closed behind them before any of them could react, and the hit the ground with a thump. The first to gain her bearings looked around the new scenery in a quiet fascination. After taking her fill of the trees and such, she came to a conclusion.

"Well........Fuck

Introductions and other fine messes

"What. The. Fuck."

Three tiny little words that told the complete absurdity the group of people found themselves in. They were surrounded, in a broad sense, by buildings that were were shorter then human standard, all of which were pearly white in appearance. The group looked around to all the eyes and faces staring back at them,  all of them wide with fear and shock.

Though the citizens of the strange city were shocked and disturbed, the group was a little bit more perturbed. Surrounding the group were myriads of ponies; Pegasi, Unicorns, and Earth Ponies stood and flew all around the confused humans.

Faster then anybody could react, the whole scene erupted into pandemonium. Ponies everywhere began to run and scream away from the humans. A few mares shut their doors quickly, children hid behind the nearest buildings, and a few stallions tried ushering more ponies into stores and shops.

Then, out of nowhere, the whole group found themselves held at bay by ponies dressed in a sort of golden armor holding spears towards them.

"This is not happening." A man of average build in a military cap said. He unholstered his pistol and pointed it at a guard on his left. Two other humans took defensive stances, with one unsheathing a rather large looking sword. The last human only glared at the guards. The scene turned from chaos to a stalemate almost quicker then a blink.

"Stand Down!" a commanding voice bellowed from a pony dressed in purple armor. The pony, a unicorn and probably commander walked to the group of people. His eyes held determination and knowledge.

"Ten bucks this guy's an asshole." The male in the hat muttered.

The commander, Shining Armor, stopped before the surrounded bipeds, looking over each of them with a critical eye.

'The one in the hat seems to be their leader, The small one is probably a child of his, the hooded one seems the most dangerous, and the other might be some sort of magical proficient.' Shining Armor thought.

"What in Celestia's name are these?" he asked. Getting no response from the guards, he cleared his throat, and gave the humans a stern glare.

"I don't know if you can understand me, so I'll ask this slowly. Who. Are. You?" He slowed his question, hoping to Celestia that the group of mysterious creatures would understand.

"I can speak perfect fucking english, dude." The man in the hat said. He turned his head to to the other people. "Don't know if they can or not."

"I can speak english too, motherfucker." The short girl said, giving Shining Armor a glare rivaling the older man's.

"I do not know what "English" is," Said the man in the hood behind the first. "But it must be something close to standard, as I can understand you clearly."

"I can understand all of you as well," The tall woman with the large broadsword replied. She sheathed her sword, but continued to glare. "Now, Please, call your guards off. I do not wish to hurt anybody."

Shining Armor glared.

"I can't allow that." He said sternly. "I must take you to princess Celestia immediately. Any questions will be from her.  And anything you should ask should be directed towards her."

He motioned a hoof to a guard, who nodded quickly and attempted to jab at the man in the hat to walk towards the palacial structure behind him.

"Hey, the fuck you doin'?" He said. "Keep jabbin' me with it, and I'll shove it up your ass!"

The guard ignored him and jabbed again.

Almost immediately, the man in the hat grabbed the guard's spear shaft and wrestled ot easily from his grip. The man's other hand, holding the pistol, fired a round into the dirt at the guards feet. The frightened guard fell backwards, and the whole scene erupted into pure anarchy.

Shots were fired, Lightning struck everywhere, Shouts were yelled; it looked like a warzone there. Guards, either fueled by fear of some sort of duty, rushed the group of humans with the intent to kill.

"Will all of you PLEASE! STOP! FIGHTING!" A booming voice yelled into the chaotic scene. Everybody froze, and all eyes turned to see the source of the voice walking ever so slowly towards all of them.

Princess Celestia stopped before the large mass of bodies, a rather stern look on her face. Shining Armor bowed, along with all the other guards

"Princess Celestia!" He said. The princess gave a glare to everyone in the vicinity, letting it linger on the group of humans.

"Captain, Who are they?" She said, pointing a hoof to the people.

"We....we don't know." He said, rising to his hooves. "One moment we're on patrol, the next, these....things show up and make the city start panicking, we were trying to detain them and bring them to you."

Princess Celestia continued to stare at the people.

"Hmm, Interesting." she turned her gaze to Shining Armor. "Set up a perimeter, I want to speak to them."

Shining Armor nodded and motioned for the guards to carry out the order. Meanwhile, Celestia slowly approached the strange humans.  She stopped in front of the rather intimidating one shrouded by a hood.

"To answer a question you have yet to ask, I understand you perfectly." the hooded man said, making Celestia get a little cautious.

'Well, that skips that part' she thought.  "Who are you then, and why are you here?"

The hooded man paused.

"My name is Dimitri Saminov, and...I do not know why I am here." He said. The other humans looked towards Celestia.

"My name is Illyana the Feared." The tall woman with the broadsword said. "I am the dragonborn. I am destined to destroy the World eater Alduin." She paused. "And I have no idea where I am right now. Nor do I know these people."

The man in the hat stepped forward arrogantly.

"The Name's Chris Michaelson, and I ain't got a fucking clue where the hell I am?" he said, Making Celestia cringe at his foul language. She looked to the shortest human there and bowed her head to meet her eyes.

'She's probably just a confused and lost child. I should be really gentle here.' she thought. "Hello, What's your name?"

"Piss off."

Celestia frowned, taken slightly aback by the girls rude attitude.

"Now, I only want to know your name. I don't want to hurt you." she said. She only received a glare in response.

"My name's Anna, I'm thirteen years old and I like to kick people's asses." she said. She looked up to the others. "And I have no fucking idea who these people are."

"They're not you're parents?" Celestia asked.

"Nope. Don't know a single motherfucker here." Anna shrugged. "I'm just as confused as everyone here.

Celestia pressed a hoof to her forehead, barely suppressing her frustration.

'Something tells me these things are going to be a pain in my flank soon.'

I don't get paid enough for this.

Celestia lead the group to her throne room, hoping to move the causes of panic out of the town and into somewhere where she could speak to them without having something go out of control. She sat at her throne, watching the man in the hat and the younger girl having a strange argument.

"Bitch, I told you, New York is better than LA no matter what." Anna said to the older man, who only scoffed.

"West coast is best coast, so shut your mouth." he said.

Celestia cleared her throat, gaining the group's attention.

"Now then, I want a full introduction. What is happening, why are you here, and what is it you seek."

The group fell silent, all looking at each other to see who'd speak for them.

"I don't remember precisely. There were three people, and they said something about exploring a new dimension." Dimitri said. "I....cannot come to a reason why they chose us."

"Probably because we're expendable?" Chris said, adding to Dimitri's clause. "Whatever, I'm pretty sure I got captured by the Chinese and somebody thought it'd be funny to slip me a fucking roofie. I'm just gonna wake up later with my pants down and not remember shit."

Anna bursted into laughter. Celestia put a hoof to her face at the human's stupidity. She looked to the tall woman on the far right.

"I am Illyana the Feared, Dragonborn, I go where I am needed. I kill dragons, I clear dungeons, I even fight civil wars." She shrugged. "Guess I'm needed here now."

Celestia sighed, barely comprehending the situation.

"That doesn't help in the slightest. Can you tell me about yourselves? What are your hobbies, what you enjoy doing?" she asked. In all honesty, she had no idea how to handle the siuation. The Humans obviously didn't know what was happening, and neither did she. The first to speak was Chris.

"Well, I told you my name's Chris." He said. "Well, I like kicking people's asses. I also like blowing shit up and shooting the fuck out of anything."

"Huh, Psycho." Anna said. She took a small step forward. "Name's Anna, and I....I really have no idea what I reallly like. I've always liked drinking, and eating."

"Doesn't everyone?" Chris said. Anna reached a fist up and punched him in the groin behind her.

"Yep, and I like hitting people. It makes me laugh at their pain." She laughed, making Princess Celestia slightly uncomfortable.

"You really suck." Chris said in a pained voice on the floor. He shakily stood, clutching his crotch.  Celestia looked to the other two, getting silence from Dimitri.

She pressed a hoof to her forehead, still as confused as before. She teleported a piece of parchment and a quill before her, and began writing something down. The humans stood in an awkward silence, each of them looking at each other strangely. Chris looked to Anna.

"Imma bust a cap in your ass." he threatened. Anna put on her most innocent face, with her dirty blond hair falling over her eye.

"You'd shoot a poor little girl?" She said in a cutesy voice. Chris only smiled deviantly.

"I shot a lot worse. You ever shoot a minigun on full auto at a bunch of commies? It's fucking orgasmic." The thirteen year old frowned.

Celestia finished writing and teleported the scroll away, giving the human's a strange look.

"What did you just do?" Dimitri said with interest. "I've yet to see somebody, or in this case pony, use a form of teleportation and telekinesis." Celestia smiled.

"Magic. Almost any unicorn can use it." She said. Chris scoffed.

"Pfft, I fucking ended up in a fucking world some crazy little girl made up." he said.

Before Celestia could make a retort at the statement, a  scroll poofed into existance before her. Celestia sighed and opened it,  read it quickly and sighed again.

"Alright, I've just received word from my most trusted student. She is coming to help us all figure this issue out. I have a sneaking feeling the Elements might be needed."

"So we wait?" Illyana said, making Celestia nod. "How long?"

"Could be an hour, or maybe thirty minutes." Celestia shrugged. "I'm not truly omnipotent."

"Heh, she said 'omnipotent'" Chris said with a smile. Celestia returned his smile.

"Do you always act so immature?" She asked. Chris continued to smile..

"I'm not immature. I'm a fucking man-child." He raised his hand. "Anybody for a high five?"

He got no response, but rather another smack to the genitals. Illyana laughed heartily, and slapped Anna on the back jovially.

"Ha, you must know a lot of how to keep men in their place." She said. Anna only shrugged.

"Meh, he was kinda pissing me off."  She leaned over him, "You gonna stop?"

He only glared in response.

"So..." He rose to his feet shakily. "Who wants to hear a joke?"

Silence.

"Alright," He said in a very strange English accent. "So a bloke and a Giraffe walk into a bar. They both get a drink, but the giraffe feels tired and lays down. The bartender looks up and goes 'Oi, what's that Lyin' there?' and the bloke goes. 'That's not a Lion, that's a giraffe!"

A cricket trapped somewhere else chirped once. Chris rolled his eyes indignantly.

"Oh you guys can suck a fat black-"

He was interrupted by a bright flash, which put him and all the other humans to their backsides.

"Sorry for the delay Princess," A new voice said. "But we didn't expect you to call us out of the blue. Luckily we were all in the same place, so we came as quick as we could."

"That's quite alright, Twilight. In fact, you're just in time." Princess Celestia pointed behind Twilight, drawing the six new arrival's eyes to the group of humans. "I wished to seek you and your friends wisdom on, eh....these."

Twilight Sparkle and her friends stared at the group of humans, completely baffled. The humans weren't much different, with all of them staring back, more annoyed rather than shocked.

Though the most peculiar thing was Chris staring at Rainbow Dash with the strangest look on his face. Rainbow stared back.

They stared some more.

And kept staring.

.....Guys. Seriously. Stop staring.

"Uh....Hi?" She said, breaking the silence. "What's your name?"

And just like that he  broke out of his stare and smiled a strange smile.

"Dude, you're rainbow colored." he said. Rainbow Dash shrugged awkwardly.

"Yeah....and?"

He stared at the other ponies, and a look of annoyance washed over his face.

"I just realized all these ponies are fucking stupid colors." He put his hands up in defeat. "This must be some really good shit."

Dimitri stepped toward them and gently pushed Chris out of the way, who was currently muttering something about 'Coca-Cola with Acid.'

"Greetings young comrade friends. General Irasovian custom dictates that I give you food." He reached behind him and pulled a rotted piece of bread from his pocket. "Horses like bread, Da?"

Something in the tone of his voice, or the fact that he held probably the stinkiest piece of garbage before her, made Rarity already begin to dislike this human.

"I'm sorry dear, that appears to be rotten. You may want to get another piece of food for your custom." Dimitri shrugged and took a bite out of it, disgusting Rarity in the Process.

"More for me then." he said between mouthfuls. "My name is Dimitri Saminov, You?"

"I," She flipped her mane back elegantly. "am Rarity, owner of the fabulous Carousel Boutique." Dimitri shrugged and finished his bread.

"Good to know." he said, he looked towards the other ponies, also looking at him strangely. "And your friends?"

Rarity opened her mouth to introduce her friends, but a bouncing pink ball of energy popped into Dimitri's vision.

"Oh, I'm Pinkie Pie! And this is..." she cleared her throat.  "Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight Sparkle!"  The names flew out like they were shot from a phonetic machine gun.

"Those names sound pretty douche-y." Anna said, stretching an arm over her head. "What kind of stupid parent names their kid after a cereal?"

"Beg pardon?" Rarity said, a little confused. she was ignored as the Dragonborn swaggered up to the group, ready to boast.

"I'm Illyana the Feared!" she said loudly. "I am dragonborn! It was, and still is, my destiny to destroy Alduin and restore balance to the world!"

The ponies stared at her confused.

"I've found some very......strange things indeed." Celestia said, making everyone turn to her. "That's why I've asked you here, to help me figure out what to do with these creatures."

"Oh," Twilight said, a little confused. "Right. That letter." She bowed. "I'd be honored, Princess." Celestia smiled.

"Good. For now, these humans will stay in Canterlot, as will you. Twilight, I need you and your friends to watch over these things while they're here. The elements are always good to have nearby when facing the unknown."

"Yes, Princess Celestia." Twilight said, putting a hoof to her brow in a mock salute. Rainbow Dash frowned.

"Princess, I don't mean to be a spoilsport, but what if they try to hurt us or something." She looked to the Dovahkiin, who was enveloped in a conversation with Chris.

"Hmm," Celestia frowned. "I'm sure they won't try anything."

At that moment, both Illyana and Chris got into defensive stances, with the dragonborn unsheating her sword and Chris aiming his machine gun.

"Bitch, I will put your brain on the far side of this room for saying that." he yelled. Poiting his assault rifle to her skull. "Ain't nobody talkin' shit 'bout my fried chicken. I will eat your soul for that shit!" The dragonborn scoffed.

"You think you can best me?! I am the Harbinger of the Companions, The listener of the Dark Brotherhood. I am a thane in each of the nine holds. You have no chance against me!" She yelled. "And for the record, Chicken is a pansy food. Goatleg is much better!"

Celestia sighed as the two humans began shouting even more nosensical things. Dimitri rolled his eyes and walked between them, shoving them apart to the ground.

"Comrades, please. This is no time for petty arguments. We are in front of royalty!" he shouted louder than the other two. A spark erupted from his hands and engulfed his arm. "Now then, we all figure this situation out, or all of you are going to feel the wrath of the gods!"

"He's right guys, Stop your bullshit for five seconds and let's just get this over with." Anna said. Chris and Illyana gave each other a strange look, before shrugging and standing up.

Princess Celestia looked at the scene in complete confusion. She looked to the other six, and noticed equally as disturbed looks. She composed herself and cleared her throat.

"In order to help improve relations with you and your race, I am offering you all to stay here in Canterlot while we settle this whole mess out. You are welcome to stay as long as you wish, so long as you don't cause too much trouble." She smiled. "Meanwhile, I must speak to my sister and my friends on this matter. Shining Armor will show you to your rooms for now."

The four humans looked at each other and shrugged. Shining Armor, sitting close to the entrance sighed and approached the humans.

"You guys heard her, let's go." he said. The group shrugged and prepared to leave. A rather tired form of Princess Luna walked blearily into the room, rubbing her eye and glancing around.

"Oh, did I miss something Celly? I thought I heard-" her eyes locked onto the Humans' own.

And all sorts of hell erupted forth.

Somewhere, a child is crying.

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Arrogance is just a slur for confidence

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

What, you want something witty?

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.