Cheeseburger

by LewdChapter

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Anthro, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Porn, Sex, Fetish, Profanity, Random
Length: 4462

Anon is so hungry, he will do anything for a burger

Anon has been stranded in Equestria, a land mostly of tall, beautiful, horse-like futa women, for eight months, and he's about to lose his mind. He's so hungry, with not a morsel of meat in all of Equestria. He can't adjust to the vegan lifestyle. He'd do anything for a cheeseburger.

Anything.

WARNING: this story contains futas, foodplay, DubCon (technically, I guess, but who really gives a fuck?), Twilight being kind of a dick, sexual misconduct in the workplace, handling of food that would earn you an F from the city health inspector, and, worst of all, Anon.

Published 2017-10-30 05:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-30 05:10:06 UTC

Extra Mayo

You roll over in bed, the blare of your alarm pissing you off to no end. You consider picking it up and tossing it across the room, but think better of it. Breaking your alarm would mean you’d need to buy another one, and money was getting tight these days. Your boss didn’t pay you much to begin with, just enough to pay rent and get food, so you couldn’t really afford to throw money away. So, with righteous fury in your heart, you get up and roll out of bed.

Your apartment is small and shitty, as to be expected by your meager paycheck. Currently, you’re crashing on the fold-out couch that had magically followed you to Equestria, along with a few of your personal belongings (like a few clothes and your now-useless cellphone). You take a look around your living room/bedroom area and come to the same conclusion you’ve come to every day since you moved in eight months ago.

“Yup. Still a piece of shit,” you say, mostly for the sake of hearing a normal conversation to start your day. As soon as you get to work, you know that shit’s going to get weird fast, so it’s important to maintain some of your sanity and sense of normalcy. Part of that normalcy is breakfast, which will undoubtedly make you even more depressed than you were to start with. You cross your tiny shack of a home to the fridge and peer inside of it. Tomatoes, carrots, milk, a few apples. Not what you wanted. Not what you needed. You craved meat. Sausage.

No, not like that. That’s gay. You wanted ham, bacon. Hell, you’d settle for a slice of bologna at this point. Ever since you were unceremoniously teleported from your home to Equestria, a land of large, colorful, pony-like creatures, you’ve been craving some legitimate protein. In a land of creatures that were more horse than person, you were more or less forced into a vegan lifestyle. The ponies didn’t even eat eggs, so your breakfast was unsatisfying and profoundly upsetting.

But, you choked down your bullshit salad (to make matters worse, you were all out of ranch) and washed it down with a quick cup of coffee. You consider a shower, but decide that you don’t have time to waste. You’re already running late, and besides, ponies don’t know what human smells like. They’re so used to smelling each other’s heavy musk, you could probably convince them that your BO was some sort of human cologne. And, if that failed, maybe the smell would be enough to keep her out of your personal space.

You knew it was wishful thinking, but optimism was pretty much the only thing stopping you from offing yourself, so you kinda had to believe it.

You hurry down the street, your stomach growling from the lack of proper sustenance. Oh, what you wouldn’t do for some meat. A steak. A pork chop. Bacon. Literally anything that used to bleed at some point and goes good with a beer. You’re dying in this land of grass and daisies and kale.

You arrive at the Friendship Castle, your place of employ, just barely on time. Not wanting to give your boss an excuse to pester you, you hurry your ass inside, closing the door behind you. The crystal interior of the foyer immediately put you on edge; this castle was a disaster waiting to happen. It was why you hated your job so damn much.

Well, one of the reasons. It was really just a symptom of a larger problem.

“Good morning, Anon!”

Your boss.

“Morning, Twilight,” you say, trying to hide your lack of enthusiasm, and you begin moving into the castle proper to see your employer. You find her at the massive, round crystal map/table where she did most of her work. While you approach, she rises from her seat to meet you. As she stands up, her long, thick cock flopped out of her lap, dangling past her knees. You grimace at the sight of Twilight’s giant futa schlong, the source of much discomfort in your workplace.

“My, you seem a bit down. Anything I can do to help?” she asks you. A few ideas come to mind. A raise. Some actual respect for your personal space. Maybe some ground rules regarding wearing pants when you’re around. A fucking restraining order.

Obviously, you don’t say any of this, cause you kinda need this job.

“I’m good, Twilight,” you say, trying your best to keep in the sarcasm. “Just a bit of culture shock still. The diet thing is hard to get a grip on.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” She sounds genuinely concerned, which, on some level, she probably is. Only problem is that level is buried under several other more dirty, perverted, vile levels. “What do you humans typically eat that you can’t get in Equestria?”

You know that she knows. Twilight knows everything there is to know about humans. Part of that was due to her extensive questioning and tests when you crashed here, while part of it was due to her excursions to a dimension populated by humans. You wished with all your heart that you could move there instead, but it wasn’t to be. The one time you tried, you ended up burning your hand when you touched the mirror. So, with a world almost identical to your own literally in the next room, you’re stuck shelving books for a horny seven-foot futa.

“Meat is what I’m missing, really,” you say, noting how her cock twitched on the word “meat”. “Beef. Pork. Chicken.”

“So, in other words… You need some protein…” Twilight wraps her fingers around her flaccid cock and squeezes, waving it in your direction. “I think I may be able to help you with that.”

And that was your main problem with Twilight. She really, really, really wants you to suck her dick. Truth be told, that’s not all that bad. You could live with someone constantly hitting on you, if ponies flirted like humans do. But, in Equestria, where dickgirls like Twilight are in the majority, the extent of a pony’s seduction is to slap you in the face with their cock. Luckily, you managed to reign Twilight back after the first three or four cocks to the jaw, but her attempts at getting her meat in your mouth was still too heavy-handed to be able to function with.

It kinda pisses you off, honestly. Despite her being an extra-dimensional alien, Twilight is crazy freaking hot. She’s tall, looming above you but about a foot, and has tits bigger than her head. Her ass wasn’t bad either, round and curvy and just perfectly jiggly. Her long, spiraling horn and large, feathery wings added a mystical allure to her. Her skin was weird, the purple color turning out to be an acquired taste, but you could look past that if you ever wanted to fuck her.

What you couldn’t look past, however, was her massive, ceaseless, always-ready-to-go girlcock.

“I’ll pass,” you say, noting her disappointment. You didn’t especially give a fuck. It’d be a cold day in hell before you willingly let that cock come anywhere near your face. “What are we up to today?”

Apparently, slave labor, just like she always has you do. The basement needs sweeping, the entire Delta Shelf needs reorganization, and the windows need cleaning. Even though Twilight was an alicorn and could fly, she still insists on making you wash the windows yourself. No doubt in an attempt to get you to cave and suck her cock.

You decide you’ll take your chances cleaning windows.

You tackle the basement first. You sweep the entirety of the massive room, then go a step beyond by dusting Twilight’s various machines and devices. Part of that was to show what a good employee you are in hopes that you get your efforts recognized for a raise (wishful thinking, you know). The other part was hoping that Twilight would be busy with her work by the time you finish.

No such luck, it seemed, because Twilight—and her cock—were waiting for you. She motions for you to join her at the table and take a seat. On her lap.

You politely refuse.

After the basement, you head outside with your bucket and rag. You climb a ladder and begin scrubbing the glass. You feel your ladder tremble and shake in the wind, but you stand strong. You know that the second you complain to Twilight, you're either sucking her dick or getting fired. You need this job, and the idea of Twilight’s cock makes your stomach turn. You'd rather fall and break your neck. Maybe there was bacon in the afterlife.

The windows take a bit longer than the basement, about an hour and a half. By this point, your stomach was pissed. Like, you slept with its wife pissed. That salad means nothing to your woefully deprived stomach. You clamber down your ladder and return to the interior of the castle, begging your lunch break to hurry along.

“Son of a fuck!” you swear, realizing that you forgot your lunch at home. Man, life can just go suck the biggest, fattest dick.

As if summoned by mention of big, fat dicks, Twilight slides alongside you as you make your way to the Delta Shelf. The musk of her cock assaults your nostrils as she approaches, her thick shaft swinging into your hip.

“How are things coming, Anon?” she asks, gently stroking her dick as she speaks.

“Honestly, Twilight, things could be a bit better,” you say. “I don't know if I've told you this, but you make me pretty uncomfortable with your… thing.”

“Hm? You mean this?” She lifts her cock straight up, her head bouncing against her ample bosom. “It's just a dick, Anon. How could that possibly make you uncomfortable?”

“See, the first of many problems is that, where I come from, females don't typically have dicks.” You're positive you've had this conversation with her before, with unsatisfying results. “And, if they do, they don't swing em around like that. Honestly, if I was back home and my boss walked around with their cock out, I'd call the police.”

“Well, that doesn't make any sense. If people can't see your dick, how would they know if they want to have sex with you?” Twilight muses, giving her apple-sized balls a squeeze. “Nobody would be able to tell if you were ready to go, or how big you were, or if you were in season. Everyone would be shacking up blind! That’s madness!”

“Not everyone is constantly trying to fuck each other on Earth, Twilight,” you say tiredly. “Well, not so publicly. I would just really appreciate it if you tucked your dick away. At least while I’m around.”

“But why?” She still doesn’t get it, as evidenced by how she continuously played with her dick while you spoke. You reason that it might be some sort of nervous tic of her’s, like how you often chew your fingernails. “Why would you not want to be around my dick? Is it not nice or something?”

“I don’t know! I don’t have an opinion on dicks, Twilight!” You didn’t mean to raise your voice, but the smell of her cock, coupled with the wet schlick of her hands running up and down her shaft was making it hard to keep a hold of your temper. “Where I come from, not everyone is into dicks! That’s a girl thing, and the dudes who like dick in my world are called ‘gay’. And that ain’t me.”

“Wait… I’m confused. If males of your species don’t typically like cock…” Twilight seems to struggle to connect the dots you present her. The concepts just don’t click in her brain. Cultural differences, you suppose. “What do you like?”

“Pussy,” you say wistfully. It had been a long time since you’ve even seen anything resembling a woman’s vagina, and you miss it like an old friend. “Where I come from, it’s a lot more common. Guys have sex with girls, who don’t have dick.”

“Hm… I think I’m starting to get it.” You brighten a bit. Maybe things would change around here. “So guys where you’re from try dickgirls and, if they don’t like them, they go to pussy?”

You facepalm with enough strength to shatter concrete. Despite being quite tall, around seven feet, the simple concept of human sexuality still manages to soar directly over her head.

“No. I’ve never tried a dick before in my life and—”

As you speak, you realize that you fucked up. Twilight’s eyes grow slightly wider, her grin more devious. She slides over to you, like some sort of rapey R&B singer, and places her hands on your hip. Her dick pokes you in the ass, and you panic.

“Well, now that’s just silly,” she purrs into your ear. “How can you say you don’t like something if you’ve never tried it? How about you just give mare-meat a little taste before you—”

You reach into your pocket and pull out a shining silver whistle, which you quickly put into your mouth and blow into.

Hwooooooo!

You blow the fuck out of that whistle until even your own ears are ringing. Twilight has to take her hand off of your hips to cover her own ears, and it’s only then do you cease your whistle.

“I need an adult,” you declare.

“Geezy Petes, Anon, was that really necessary?” Twilight grumbles. “Fine, I’ve got work to do, anyway. I’ll leave you to your business.”

She saunters off, her dick flopping limply as she does. You can’t believe it. She’s gone. She’s finally taken the hint. And all it took was a quick conversation and a good rape whistle. Now, all you had to do was make it to the end of the day without starving to death.

Your stomach picks that precise moment to explode into a flurry of growls as it begs for your forgotten lunch. Man, today just fucking sucks, doesn’t it?

You drop to your knees between two massive bookshelves, beyond exhausted from reorganizing the Delta Shelf. Consisting of roughly one quarter of the entire library of the Friendship Castle, to call it a shelf was a hell of a misnomer. It had taken you hours to put everything back in its place, even utilizing Twilight’s quick-organization strategy guide. The job would’ve taken a normal person 94 hours, but, thanks to Twilight’s extensive knowledge of manipulating the Dewey Decimal System (or whatever the fuck they used in Equestria), you managed to get things done with an hour left in your workday. Luckily, Twilight is actually pretty chill about things like this. She wouldn’t allow you out of the library, but, since you already completed all of your duties, she wouldn’t mind if you just found yourself a quiet area and took a long nap.

Your eyes go wide. You sniff the air deeply, not daring to believe it for a second. Your stomach must be fucking with you. The lack of food is making you delirious. Making you hallucinate. It just isn’t possible for you to be smelling what you think you’re smiling.

“Hello, Anon,” Twilight says, strolling into view. She stops at the only way out of your little aisle and back to the library proper. “Just thought I’d check in on you.”

Holy shit.

“T-twilight…” Your tongue betrays you, unable to properly get the words out. “How…? Where…?”

“Hm? You’ll have to speak up, Anon,” she says, her voice dastardly in the way it teases you. You rub your eyes just to confirm that they’re not fucking with you. You’re seeing things properly. Uh-huh. That is definitely Twilight Sparkle, with her eighteen-inch futa cock swaying between her legs. And yes, that is definitely a thick, juicy, delicious double bacon cheeseburger that she is bringing up to her lips.

“Where the fuck did you get that?!” you demand.

“Humanland,” she says simply, taking a big chomp out of the burger. You watch, nearing tears, as a drip of ketchup and burger juice hit the ground with a small, barely audible splat.

“Y-you told me they were all vegans there, too!”

“As it turns out, I was mistaken. It just so happens that all of my friends there happen to be vegan,” Twilight explains. “A mutual friend of mine and Sunset brought us to lunch and I decided to try some of this beef I’ve been hearing so much about. And let me tell you, it does not disappoint.” Twilight tossed the rest of her burger into her mouth, as if oblivious to the cruelty of the situation. “Are you okay?”

“I’m so hungry… I forgot my lunch at home,” you explain. “Could I… Please just run back home and grab it?”

“Sorry, Anon. I need you here in case someone comes in and needs assistance,” Twilight says. You can tell that she is trying her hardest not to smirk at your misfortune. “But, you know, I do have another one here.” Her horn begins to glow, and a second cheeseburger, every bit as beautiful as the first, appears on a plate before you. “I’d be more than willing to give it to you.”

Your heart soars. You’re kinda on the fence about religion, but you decide to take this as proof that there really is a God.

“Twilight, you are the best,” you say. You reach for the burger, just for the plate to slowly drift out of your reach.

“Hold on, there, Anon. I never said you’d get it for free. How does that saying go? You scratch my back?” Twilight grabs her thick, meaty cock and heftes it up to be about level to your eye.

Your heart sinks. You decide to take this as proof that, while there really is a God, he’s a huge asshole.

“W-wha…?” Your head swims from hunger, and you can’t properly cope with the true reality of your situation.

“I’ll give you this burger, Anon,” says Twilight. “But you’ve got to suck my dick.”

Your eyes fall on Twilight’s cock, still held in her grip. It’s huge, thicker than your arm and with veins bulging from the shaft. Her nuts are about the size of large apples, and they’re ready to go, as evidenced by the steady stream of precum they push out of her cockhead. The smell is powerful, and it dulls your senses with its strong, masculine aroma. You go to refuse, as you so obviously fucking should, when your eyes fall on the burger.

It’s huge, so large that you know you’d have to damn near unhinge your jaw. It’s juicy, with just the perfect ratio of ketchup to mayonnaise. The cheese is perfectly melted onto the finely brown patties, sizzled to perfection. It has a thick slice of tomato, crisp lettuce, and several strips of flawlessly-crisp, sinfully-tasty bacon.

You look around, sweat dripping from your brow. There’s no one around. Nobody would have to know.

“Okay,” you say after a solid minute of contemplation. “I’ll do it. Just give me the burger.” You reach for it again, and, just as before, Twilight pulls it from your reach with her magic.

“Suck first, burger later,” says Twilight. As much as you want to argue, you know she holds all of the power in this exchange. You give one more cursory glance around before deciding to risk a bit negotiating.

“You can’t cum in my mouth,” you tell her. Twilight grins, licking her lips and giving you a look very similar to the look you were giving that burger.

“Deal.”

She wastes no more time, and grabs you with her magic, dragging you on your knees until your face was pressed against her round, sweaty balls. You can guess what it is she wants you to do, so you trepidatiously run your tongue up her sack, then wrap your lips around one of her balls. You can feel the cum churning in a way you never wanted to be able to. Twilight lets out a soft purr, which you guess means you’re doing your job correctly.

“I didn’t expect you to actually lick my balls,” Twilight giggles. “But I admire your initiative.”

Of course. Leave it to you to be an overachiever at sucking dick.

You pull your face away from Twilight’s balls, hoping to get this over with as quickly as possible. You open your mouth as wide as it can go and try to wrap your lips around Twilight’s monster. To your shock, you manage to fit her meat past your lips without dislocating your jaw, which is nice. Never content to rest on your laurels (at least, when there was a burger on the line), you go deeper, taking inch by inch of Twilight’s cock into your mouth. You slurp on the mare-meat before you, begging for the moment you can wash out the taste of horsecock with juicy, seasoned beef.

“Ooh, that feels good,” says Twilight. “But I’m going to have to pick up the pace if we want to be finished before your burger gets cold. Just try to relax your throat as much as you can.” Her tone immediately shifts from friendly to terrifying. “If you’re careful, you might even be able to breathe by the time I’m done with you.”

And, with no time to even mentally prepare yourself for whatever the fuck that meant, Twilight goes off. She rockets her hips forward, shooting like a piston and slamming the head of her cock deep into your throat. You cough and choke and cry a bit at the roughness, but you let it happen to you. Not because you’re secretly a cock-hungry slut who needs a big futa like Twilight grabbing you up and using you like a cocksleeve.

You just really want that burger.

“Yeah, you slut, you like that?” Twilight hisses at you, her mind consumed by her lust. If it weren’t for the fact that you were pretty much taking this throat-raping like a champ, you’d be concerned for your safety. But whatever magic allowed Twilight to have a cock way too big to be biologically feasible also apparently made it possible for her to shove that way-too-big cock a foot and a half down your throat with minimal damage.

Thanks, Celestia?

Twilight rams her dick with increased vigor into your poor, unready esophagus, while all you can think about is the burger. The salty bacon, the gooey cheese, the juicy beef. It’s the only thing getting you through this heinous, obscene, frankly unethical use of your throat under very dubious consent. Twilight grunts as she bucks her hips, slapping your chin with her heavy balls, churning with the cum you were tasked with extracting.

“This was so worth the wait! Your throat is so fucking tight!” Twilight squeals with glee and grabs you around the back of the head, shoving her cock deeper. You can feel it twitching in your throat even as you gag and choke. Your vision starts going a bit blurry from lack of oxygen, and you have to slap Twilight firmly on the thigh several times before she gets the hint and rips her cock from your throat.

You fall onto all fours, chest heaving as you suck down air instead of cock for the first time in several minutes. You can’t see Twilight, but, you take a guess that she’s stroking her cock on account of the wet schlick-shlick-schlick you hear above you. You feel Twilight’s magic grab you by the head and pull your face up to stare at the head of Twilight’s cock as she jerks herself off.

Your heart immediately falls into your gut. How could you possibly fuck up this badly?! You said she couldn’t cum in your mouth, but you never said anything about facials.

“Might want to close your eyes, hon,” says Twilight, biting her lip. She strokes harder and harder and, just as soon as you close your eyes, you hear her moan in ecstacy. A thick rope of cum connects with your face, followed by another, and another, until you’re dripping with Twilight’s hot seed. You open your eyes once you sense a ceasefire and what you see makes you want to end your life.

Twilight had, at some point while your eyes were closed, picked up your burger and slipped her cock between the two beef patties. She jerks herself off with your lunch like it’s a cheap fleshlight and, before you can protest, she cums again, pulling her cock back enough to deposit a healthy few ropes of cum directly onto the beef. After busting a nut onto, and thereby ruining, what would be your first legitimate meal in eight months, Twilight smiles at you.

“You did order extra mayo, right?” she says, laughing the way you imagine the devil would if you could talk to him. “Meet me here tomorrow and, if you do well like you did today, I might even have some chicken nuggets and onion rings for you.”

Pausing only to wipe her slimy, cum-coated cock on your lips, Twilight strolls away, absolutely giddy with herself. You’re too shattered to get angry at Twilight, your dreams dashed in a dastardly unique way. You stare at the burger on the floor before you, the thick, gooey, sticky cum oozing from between the patties and pooling onto the plate. It’s soggy. The buns are soggy with Twilight’s spunk. You feel the tears break free and run down your jizz-drenched cheeks. It was a tragedy.

Slowly, as if not entirely in control of your own actions, you reach forward and grab the burger. You sucked Twilight’s cock for it, damn it, you refused to let this damn thing go to waste. With trembling hands you bring the burger to your face and take a bite. Cum gushes from the burger, flooding your mouth along with a comparably meager amount of actual burger. You can barely taste it from beneath the overwhelmingly salty, bitter taste of Twilight’s spunk. You let out an audible sob as you take your second bite, your body shaking and shuddering in time with the tears marching down your face through the path of cum plastered there.

This is your meal. Your first bite of meat in months. And, despite the unfortunate circumstances, you still gobble down bite after bittersweet bite.

Author's Note

You may have made the first declaration of war, Absolute Vanilla, but I assure you: I will emerge victorious. Your preemptive strike means nothing. History doesn't remember the first strike. History remembers only the last.

Bring it.