Pumpkin Spiced What?!

by Justice3442

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Dazzlings, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Button Mash, Comedy, Other, Sex, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 4287

Love Tap has to have ‘the talk’ with her teenage son. Except it’s not about the birds and the bees. It’s much worse and much, MUCH more uncomfortable.

Love Tap has to have ‘the talk’ with her teenage son. Except it’s not about the birds and the bees. It’s much worse and much, MUCH more uncomfortable.

Not quite "gore" but contains talk about eating questionable content.

Part of the Love Call of the Sirens storyline.

"Thanks" to Mitch H for a little tidbit about horses. You guys can thank Majin Syeekoh for not writing his own take on the idea like we discussed. :ajbemused:

Published 2017-10-31 21:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-31 21:00:07 UTC

Super scary, but probably not the way you're thinking...

“So you know how it’s customary for mares to eat their placentas after giving birth, right?”

Gibson froze and stared at his mother. For a moment it seemed like the entire world stopped. Out of answers to “Eyuck! What is this?!” his mother’s reply was not very high on the list of likely responses. In fact, it wasn’t even considered or thought of. One might say the problem was that Gibson hadn’t even conceived of any world where that question would be asked, either as a question to answer a question or under any set of circumstances. As of such, it seemed his brain suddenly attempted to reject this reality and he soon found the world tilting as his body gave up on all sense of equilibrium. He began to fall.

“Gibson?!” Love Tap rushed forward and caught the reddish-brown teenaged colt in her forelegs. “Gibson what’s wrong?!” she asked as she nuzzled her chin against Gibson’s short, spiky black mane. “Come on Gibson. Mommy’s got you, honey. Stay with me!”

Safe and warm in his mother’s embrace, the question used to answer his question reverberated in his brain which had seemingly determined that escape was currently impossible and cognizance and coherence rushed back to Gibson like the taste of something oddly earthy mixed in with the bitter taste of coffee alongside a mixed spice touching his palate. A taste that was unfortunately still present.

Gibson at once sprung to his hooves, leaping out of his concerned mother’s grasp. Gasping and coughing, he quickly scanned his surroundings. His eyes settled on an identical pair of paper cups with the words ‘SEADDLES BEST’ printed across them. Although that moment when hot and weird liquid touched his lips seemed like an eternity ago, it was also an eternity that Gibson felt he had relived over and over again in some sort of perpetual repeating Tartarus. However, neither impression helped him determine WHICH cup was his, this being his primary concern at the moment.

He pointed and attempted to ask his mom for clarity, but only the sound of him uttering “Wha-wha-wha-wha?” came out.

Love Tap’s expression seemed to relax slightly at the sight of her son being up and about, but then it soured as she let out a sigh. She grabbed one of the cups in a forehoof. “Gibson, this isn’t a big deal,” she insisted before taking a sip.

Hoping and praying that his mom grabbed the right cup, Gibson grabbed the other and began to chug it. His tongue was met by the taste of coffee balanced against caramel, milk, and hot-hot-HOT! Gibson once again found himself in another fit of coughs and sputters, though it was at least the much more familiar feeling of having the roof of one’s mouth exposed to too much heat and not… not… “Did… did I really drink placenta?! Aren’t placentas, like… solid?! How is that a thing?!”

Love Tap took another sip of her drink and shrugged. “Well, with the right blender you can liquefy anything.”

That was it. Perhaps Gibson’s mind, and therefore his consciousness… his curse of sentience, was forced to stay locked inside his body, but the contents of his digestive system made it clear they were free to go at any time. Luckily for the carpet and furniture of the well-furnished living room, a potted plant was close at hoof. Unfortunately for the plant itself, it’s five long and wide leaves were introduced to Gibson’s breakfast as it made its escape from his digestive tract and out his mouth.

Oddly enough, he felt a loving pat on his back as he revisited the unpleasant ghost of meals past, though the pat was eventually accompanied by “And this is why I don’t talk about my pumpkin spice placenta proclivities.”

Gibson shuttered once again, and once again he found himself rushing for his caramel macchiato to wash down the foul taste in his mouth. Shame the drink couldn’t wash away the memories of this conversation… in fact, it seemed nothing could. Feeling he had regained as much of his senses that he was likely to, he turned towards his mother. “Okay, but why, though?!”

Love Tap narrowed her cerulean blue eyes at Gibson. “It’s autumn!” she snapped back, seemingly confident that was an appropriate response.

“Wha… what?!” Gibson uttered as he stared at his mother in confusion. “Why does that matter?! Is… is placenta in season this time of year?!”

“Ooooh!” Love Tap replied, her expression softening somewhat. “That’s what you were talking about!”

“What the heck did you think I was talking about?!”

“Well, the pumpkin spice, of course!”

“WHY WOULD THAT CONCERN ME?!” Gibson shouted back in a frustrated tone.

“Inside voice!” Love Tap barked.

Gibson sighed. “Why would I care about pumpkin spice when you’ve just told me you habitually drink placenta?! “

Love Tap shrugged. “Some ponies make a big deal about pumpkin spice!”

“And they don’t make a big deal out of placenta?!”

“Well, it’s just pumpkin spice comes up in conversation much more often,” Love Tap answered before taking another sip of her drink. “Probably because every pony gets really judgmental when there's talk of placenta so I don’t bring it up!” she added in an indignant tone.

Gibson took another deep breath and let it out. Getting mad at his mom wasn’t getting him closer to understanding what was going on or even making this conversation go away. He wasn’t sure if this was a conversation worth having, but he had come this far… “Okay… So… Uh… Was that my placenta I just drank?”

Love Tap’s eyes tightened and her nose scrunched a bit as she took another sip of her drink. “Gibson, honey? I love you, but that was the stupidest sentence I’ve ever heard.”

“I agree, but what scares me is I probably agree for completely different reasons!”

“First off. I’m sure what you meant to ask is if it was the placenta I had when I had you!” Love Tap shook her head. “The baby doesn’t have a placenta. It comes from the mother.”

“Yeah. See? This was not at all the part that I thought was stupid!”

“Also, you’re 17, Gibson!” Love Tap continued. “Placenta doesn’t keep that long!” She shook her head. “It’s pretty much like any other perishable item.”

“I…” Gibson’s lips tightened into a small frown. “Okay. I suppose in hindsight, that was kind of a dumb thing to ask.”

“… Unless you dehydrate it and save it like a jerky…” Love Tap added.

Gibson replied with a dry gagging sound as he turned to face the plant. Love Tap to let out another sigh as she rolled her eyes in response. After a few deep breaths, Gibson turned again. “Just... just how did this start?”

“Well, as I said, it's customary for mares to eat their placentas after birth… It helps with milk production.” Love Tap frowned. “Didn’t you learn this in school?!”

“What?! No!” Gibson cried. He pointed to himself with a forehoof. “And believe me, I paid attention in sex-ed!”

Love Tap rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know… It was one of the few subjects you got an ‘A’ on.” She shook her head. “I suppose it’s a somewhat unnecessary and outdated custom nowadays,” she smiled at her son and gently brushed a forehoof over his mane, “but your father and I wanted to have as natural a birth as possible.”

Gibson fought the urge to recoil at his mother’s touch. Not that he usually cared that much when she hugged him or showed any kind of motherly affection, but his brain was still a flurry of confusion. “So… you ate my placenta—”

“The placenta I had at your birth,” Love Tap corrected.

Gibson sighed. “Okay… you ate the placenta you had at my birth and then… what? You’re addicted to placentas now?”

Love Tap raised a forehoof to her forehead for a moment before looking back up to her son. “Gibson, for something to be an addiction, it has to actually affect their life negatively or have a negative effect on the lives around them.”

“Okay, but you know it’s weird, right?!”

“Ponies did this for thousands of years!”

Gibson threw his forehooves up in the air. “And I’m sure pegasi used to sacrifice some of their young because they thought that’s how they made rainbows, but you don’t hear about them doing that anymore!”

Love Tap shot her son another glare. “Again, no pony is being hurt by this,” she growled out.

Gibson took another deep breath and calmed himself. His mom had a point. A gross, bizarre, and very squicky point. He wouldn’t have even known about this if he hadn’t grabbed the wrong drink, and as much as he and his mom argued, he couldn’t deny she had almost always been a supportive and caring figure in his life. “So… After you ate my-er-your placenta when you had me, you just… had to keep eating placenta?”

Love Tap let out another loud, annoyed sigh.

“I’m just trying to understand, mom…”

“No, not that,” Love Tap replied. “Nothing personal, Gibson, but the placenta I had at your birth was pretty disgusting.”

“… I think I’m more relieved than anything…”

Love Tap shook her head. “All they did was collect it on a plate, give me a fork and knife, and say ‘dig in’!” she gripped as she threw forehoof out in front of her. “Sure, it was about as fresh as it could get, but they could at least have seasoned it! A little salt… maybe some cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger… Anything!”

“… I don’t have a response for this… Any of this.”

Love Tap continued, “Now, by the time I had Button that’s when the hospital got their act together! I guess a lot of mares had the same complaints I had.” An almost wistful smile crossed her face. “Now there where placenta sandwiches, placenta smoothies…” She grinned. “They even took some of my placenta and made a delicious chorizo so it could be made into a delicious placenta paella!” Love Tap let out a hum of contentment. “It was like… like discovering a whole new flavor… no! A whole new dimension of flavor!” She gave her son a very serious look. “Gibson, it was like seeing for the first time!”

Gibson simple stared at his mom, quite certain his mouth was moving though no words came out. Eventually, he managed to utter, “This… this is a thing?”

Love Tap nodded. “Well… for a few, I suppose…” She chuckled and raised her coffee cup. “Clearly many aren’t onboard, otherwise where’d I get my fix from!” She let out a mirthful laugh. “Can you imagine how many brothers and sisters you’d have running around if that was the only way mommy could get her morning fix?”

“… Again, I don’t have a response for this.”

Love Tap just smiled and shrugged. “Well, that’s okay… I mean… maybe it is something of an acquired taste. You know… like pumpkin spice!”

Gibson felt something snap from behind his eyes. Likely, the last vestige of him having a calm grasp on this situation. “Why do you keep comparing this to having pumpkin spice?!”

“Is it so wrong that I want the world to be more accepting of this?!”

“…Pumpkin spice or placenta eating and drinking?”

“YES!”

“I don’t know! Maybe?!” Gibson shouted. “It just… It just seems so… so… so out there?”

“It’s just cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg!”

“I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE PUMPKIN SPICE!”

“WELL, WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING ON WHEN I ORDERED MY COFFEES WITH SOME ‘EXTRA LUMPY MOMMY’S MILK?!”

“I DON’T KNOW! I GUESS I JUST ASSUMED IT WAS CODE FOR KETAMINE?!”

“… WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME I’M SCORING DRUGS AS PART OF MY MORNING COFFEE?! HOW ARE YOU MORE OKAY WITH THAT THAN THE REALITY?!”

“BECAUSE THE REALITY IS YOU’RE BASICALLY EATING PARTS OF OTHER PONIES! IT’S CANNIBALISM, MOM!”

“IT’S JUST SOMETHING THAT GETS THROWN AWAY, USUALLY! I LIKE TO THINK OF IT MORE AS RECYCLING!”

Suddenly a bouncing orange mound of curls with a lighter streak of yellow-orange going through it appeared in the doorway followed by an orange unicorn’s horn and the smiling, sultry look Adagio Dazzle was giving. Under her, two purple pony-tails with an electric blue streak through each one accompanied by large, sharp-looking, metal star hair-clips zipped into view, announcing one Aria Blaze, a smile on her face. Finally, a single wave of azure hair with deep ocean blue streaks in it appeared attached to the smiling face of Sonata Dusk. The girls wasted no time both extending a greeting and breaking out into melodic tones.

“Hello~!”

“Hello~!”

“Hello~!”

“Line!”

The trio looked down, a pair of inquisitive amber eyes meeting their stare. Eyes that were set under a fiery brown-orange mane that served as a nest for a beanie with a lime green propeller that spun round and around.

“Hi, Button,” Sonata greeted.

“‘Hi, Button’,” Button parroted.

“Huh? No, I’m Sonata!” Sonata replied, motioning to herself. "Wait…” She stared up at Aria. “Am I playing Button?”

“Wait, then who am I playing?” Button asked. “Does that make me Sonata?”

From above the two, Aria and Adagio stared down with looks of increasing annoyance.

“Sonata, I know it’s hard for you,” Aria groaned out, “but could you maybe try not being stupid for at least a moment?”

Button glared up at Aria. “Could you try not being a jerk-ass for at least a moment?”

“What the hell, squirt?!” Aria fired back. “What did I do to you?!”

Button’s expression softened. “Sorry, I thought we were ad-libbing.”

Sonata looked back and forth between Aria and Button. “Noooo! Stop fighting! My poor colt heart can’t take all this drama between my favorite sisters!”

Button frowned. “Well that sounds like something I’d say, but something is missing…”

“Oh… Uh….” Sonata reached down and picked up Buttons propeller beanie which stopped spinning. She placed it on top of her pony-tail where the hat sat lifeless, balancing a good several inches off her head. “Noooo! Stop fighting! My poor colt heart can’t take all this drama between my favorite sisters!” she repeated.

“That’s slightly, better,” Button said, “but the propeller isn’t spinning.”

“It isn’t?” Sonata replied. She glanced up and attempted to get a look at the hat sitting above her. Pursing her lips, Sonata tried to send a few gusts of breath upwards in an attempt to breathe life back into the propeller. “Aria? A little help?”

“… No,” Aria answered coldly.

“Aria, Button! Language.” Love Tapped hissed out.

“Bite me!” Aria replied.

Sonata frowned. “But moOoOoOoOoOm! I didn’t say any naughty words!” she warbled.

“Not Sonata-Button!” Love Tap clarified. “Button-Button!”

Button frowned. “Wait… Shouldn’t I be Sonata-Button in this case?”

“I’m so glad this is my morning…” Adagio uttered sarcastically with a deep frown on her face.

Gibson shook his head. “Better than mine.”

Adagio’s expression simmered back to a sultry one as she looked at Gibson. “I’m sure we can improve things for you,” she announced as she left the doorway and gingerly trotted over to Gibson, a mountain of orange curls balancing on her head and back as they sprung up and down with every step. Aria managed to put a smile back on her face as she followed Adagio.

Button and Sonata stared at each other for a moment.

“You’re next,” Button said.

“No! You’re me!” Sonata countered. “You’re next!”

“Oh, right!” Button said as he also put on a smile and scampered after Aria. Sonata followed close behind, Buttons hat bouncing on the top of her ponytail as the four ponies gathered around Gibson and started circling him like a pack of colorful land-sharks.

Love Tap regarded the scene with annoyance, annoyance that was mirrored in Gibson’s face for a change. “Girls…? And Button…” He uttered as Adagio and Aria playfully brushed their tails under his muzzle and against his body while his little brother occasionally whacked his own fiery-brown tail against Gibson’s legs. “I appreciate the attention but I’m not really in the mood.”

“I’m not touching yoooouuuu~!” Sonata warbled out.

“I know you’re not!” Gibson exclaimed. “That’s not really—” A collection of orange tail curls suddenly brushed against Gibson’s face. A present from Adagio that was wrapped with hind-quarters swaying from side to side and finished off with a pretty bow in the form of a wink. Normally this routine would serve two purposes, to get Gibson all hot and bothered and to make Love Tap simply bothered, but between Gibson’s earlier discussion with his mom and Button’s bizarre swapping places with Sonata, he simply felt himself becoming increasingly annoyed.

Love Tap grit her teeth. “Girls! Gibson and I were in the middle of a pretty personal discussion.”

“What a coincidence!” Adagio said. “Gibson seems to be in the middle of something pretty personal at the moment.” Adagio paused long enough to leer seductively at Love Tap, “but not nearly as personal as the thing he’s going to be between later…” she purred out slowly, like syrup escaping a bottle onto warm, fluffy pancakes.

Love Tap’s expression twisted and anger and she opened her mouth to shout.

“MOM’S DRINKING A PUMPKIN SPICED PLACENTA LATTE!” Gibson suddenly shouted out.

Love Tap grimaced. Adagio’s seductive expression contorted in a thousand different directions at once. Aria stopped dead in her tracks and Button quickly walked into her hind legs, nearly toppling both over. An obliviously happy expression on her face, Sonata trotted right into the other two ponies and brought all three to the ground in a heap of legs and a pair of light blue wings as Button’s hat flew up then drifted down to slowly land on top of Aria’s head.

Love Tap let out an irate snort. “Sure, just tell all of Equestria, why don’t you?”

Gibson raised an eyebrow in the direction of his mother. “I thought you wanted more acceptance?”

Love Tap rolled her eyes. “I get plenty of judgment from Adagio and Aria daily, thank-you-very-much."

“… I don’t have a response for this,” Adagio uttered. “Like… any of it.”

“That’s what I keep saying!” Gibson exclaimed.

Adagio took a deep breath. “Look… I’m pretty much a fan of any sort of depravity under the sun and those that never rarely see the light of day… especially those that rarely see the light of day! But… but… why?!”

“Because it’s AUTUMN! How is this hard to understand?!”

“… What?” Adagio replied.

Gibson rolled his eyes. “She thinks you’re talking about the pumpkin spice part and not the placenta.”

Adagio turned and gave Gibson a disbelieving look.

“Ewwwww!” Sonata exclaimed from the pony-pile.

“What’s a placenta?” Button asked, also from the pony pile.

Her standard scowl once again taking roost on her face, Aria said, “Can somepony please cover Button’s ears?”

After some shifting and untangling, Sonata got her wings free and used them to cover Aria’s ears. The creases on her forehead deepening, Aria glared up at the wings and took note she was now somehow wearing Buttons hat. Button himself had managed to escape from under Sonata and Aria and was now sitting on top of Sonata, covering her ears with his forelegs.

With a growl and some wild flailing. Aria untangled herself from Sonata, stood up, and placed Button’s hat back on top of his head where the propeller immediately began spinning once more. She picked up the brown colt and placed him in front of Sonata where Aria maneuvered Sonata’s wings to cover Button’s ears.

“Alright, start singing, squirt,” Aria said.

“What?!” Button replied.

“Start singing!” Aria telled.

“Okay! Any requests?!”

“No! Just pick something!”

“Ba-da-Da-da. HEY! Ba-da-da-Da-da-da-da…~”

The trio of Sonata, Aria, and Button having finally solved their ‘ear covering’ issue, Adagio continued, “You… you can’t be serious,” she said to Gibson.

“I am,” Gibson replied, “Or, uh… She is, rather?”

Adagio turned towards Love Tap. “Why would you think the pumpkin spice and not the placenta was the issue here?!”

“Again, ewwwwww!” Sonata repeated.

Love Tap tossed a foreleg up into the air. “Look! Some ponies really don’t like pumpkin spice!”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT WE SHOULD BE DISCUSSING RIGHT NOW!” Adagio snapped.

“Ugh… I’m glad I haven’t had breakfast yet,” Aria quipped. “Otherwise It’d be in the plant right now…” Aria turned and looked at the plant. “Though, looks like somepony would have beat me to it…”

“Did I hear someone say ‘pumpkin spice?!” A male voice called out. A dark brown stallion with a bushy mustache and spiky black mane walked into the living room. Gibson shot glanced at his mother with a look that suggested he expected her to break down into a panic. Oddly enough, Love Tap seemed to visibly relax, her body losing quite a bit of the tension that had built up since the discussion began.

“You did,” Love Tap informed, a smile creeping onto her face. She offered Chip her own cup of coffee.

“Finally!” Chip exclaimed as he happily took the cup in a forehoof. “The taste of autumn, am I right?”

Love Tap simple let out a giggle.

Gibson and the Dazzling’s eyes all shot open wide. “Dad! Don’t drink that—!”

Chip took a few big sips from Love Tap’s cup.

“—coffee…” Gibson finished, his eyes suddenly losing focusing as he stared out into open space.

For a moment, everything was near silent. The only sound being Button as he quietly sang to himself while Sonata covered his ears. The three ex-sirens simply looked on in silent disgust as Gibson’s expression suggested he’d be having a melt-down if only he had the energy.

“Ba-da-Da-da. HEY!” Button sang. “Ba-da-da-Da-da-da-da… Ba-da-Da-da. HEY! Ba-da-da-Da-da-da-da…~”

Chip smiled to himself. “Hmmmmmm…. Who’s the Barista?! They really know how to mix their pumpkin spice with the placenta so the two tastes really complement each other!”

“Wow! Gross!” Sonata exclaimed.

Chip chuckled. “Well, it is an acquired taste,” he said.

Love Tap just chuckled and cozied up to her husband, clearly relieved to have at least one pony on her side. “It was some new mare named Oddjob. She really seems to know her stuff.”

“Stop talking about pumpkin spiced coffee!” Adagio demanded.

“Ugh… Yes, please…” Sonata agreed.

Adagio motioned towards Gibson. “You two are breaking your son! And worse, you’re forcing me to be responsible, here!” she added as she held her forehooves in front of her dramatically.

Chip turned and grinned at Love Tap. “I take it recent events are news to everypony here.”

Love Tap nodded with a chuckle. “You might say that.”

Chip trotted past Gibson and placed a forehoof on his son’s shoulder. “Gibson? There comes a time in most every stallion’s life where he’s staring at his beautiful wife and wondering ‘Do I let her eat that big plate of placenta all by herself?’”

Gibson let out a series of distressed gurgles in response, much as if he was drowning except that he was standing in a dry living room.

A wistful expression crossed Chip’s face. “Why… I remember when you were born, there was so much placenta that the big metal tray they brought out was overflowing with—”

“Hello darkness, my old friend…” Gibson began to sing.

“Noooooope!” Adagio exclaimed as she reached her forelegs up into her hair and used two generous locks of her own curls to cover Gibson’s ear. “You’ve driven your son to sing melancholy folk songs! We’re done here!”

“Are you sure?” Chip asked. He smiled. “It’s a pretty romantic story.”

“Beautiful even!” Love Tap added.

“… I’ve come to talk with you again…”

“Yeah, no,” Adagio answered. “That’s enough for… eternity. You two enjoy… uh…”

“Adagio, let’s just go,” Aria said.

Sonata cringed. “I got an icky taste on my tongue just thinking about it.”

Adagio turned and nodded, then turned back to face Love Tap and Chip. “You two just ‘enjoy’, I guess…” she said. With a wavy and somewhat ominous green glow from her horn, Adagio walked away as she shrouded Gibson in her magic, and dragged the young stallion out of the room as Love Tap and Chip began exchanging loving looks.

Wordlessly, the three Dazzlings filed out, Aria ushering Button out to follow them. The five ponies made their way out of the house and out into the crisp fall air. The leaves had already begun to change color and the usual vibrant green of Ponyville was now a medley of reds, oranges, yellows, and browns.

Gibson took no note of this. Though he trotted along with his brother and adopted siblings, his mind was clearly far, far away.

“Hey, squirt,” Aria said.

“Yes, second-big sister?” Button replied.

“You should find that marefriend of yours and her equally irresponsible friends… Ya know… Have a good time endangering yourselves…” Aria paused. “And I mean that in the nicest way possible.”

“Oh… Okay!” Button replied happily. With that, he scampered away down a random Ponyville street.

The now four ponies simply kept walking, the girls showing an uncharacteristic amount of patience as Gibson collected himself. After several minutes of meandering through Ponyville’s cobblestone streets, Gibson finally spoke up. “… That was weird, right?”

Adagio let out a sigh she wasn’t even aware she was holding. “Yes, Gibson. That was most definitely weird.”

Aria chimed in. “Dude… We’ve been around a while… We have seen stuff that would break the minds of most ponies out there, but, man… I was not prepared for today! And I only heard about it.”

“I know, right!” Sonata chimed in. “Who’d ruin perfectly good placenta with pumpkin spice?!”

The End

Author's Note

Happy Halloween, everypony! :pinkiecrazy: