Body Guard

by CrimsonNight1

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, Spike, Other, Dragons, Adventure, Sex
Length: 4374

What happens when a human with big ideas wakes up the morning after in a spare bedroom at The Castle of Friendship.

What happens when a human with big ideas and even bigger baggage has a night on the town with friends and wakes up the morning after in a spare bedroom at The Castle of Friendship? With a revolt on the horizon for The Dragon Lands they turn to him for help.

As a note, the sex tag is there for innuendos and about as much sex as you would get out of watching a James Bond movie (I.e. intense make-out scenes and steamy moments) nothing more.

Published 2017-11-06 03:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-31 14:40:37 UTC

A Few To Many

Saturday 2019 August 10
NASA R&D
10:38 AM

"Hey Ass-Butt, what you doin' tonight?"

"Rick, I told you not to call me that."

"So what DO I call you?" Asked Rick

"What's wrong with Ken?"

"There's nothing wrong with Ken, it's just..."

"Rick, I swear to God if you finish that sentence with bland, boring, or dull." said Ken as he turned around in his chair, reveling a man with a goatee, of average build, not fat nor overly thin, but a man that a person would just pass by without a second thought. If only they knew that behind those gray eyes with gold flecks, was the mind of a broken genius that had gained so much, but lost five times as much.

"...common." Finished Rick over the wall of their cubical.

"Oh come on, its not that common!" Argued Ken

Looking Ken straight in the eye Rick called out to the rest of the office, "If you know a Ken, other then my cubical neighbor, or are a Ken, speak up!"

"HERE!"

"MARIED TO ONE!"

"I KNOW THREE, DOES THAT COUNT!"

"ALRIGHT!" Shouted Ken, "I GET THE POINT!"

"See what I mean man? You just need something that differentiates you from other Kens." Said Rick as he rested his chin on the wall.

"Fine" Ken conceded with his head in his hands.

"Great!" Celebrated Rick, "Now lets see... We can't use K-Man, sounds like your trying to hard. Umm just K is that guy Tommy Lee Jones played in that movie with all the aliens."

"You mean Men In Black." Said Ken

"No that's not it," said Rick "I don't know man help me out here, its your nickname."

Ken leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling, hands behind his head. "Chief" he said to himself.

"You say somethin'?" Asked Rick

"Ya, couple years back I enlisted in the Navy, made it up to Chief Petty Officer."

"I'm not calling you Chief Petty Officer."

"Oh God no, you'd call me Chief, but I was having to shave 'bout three times a day, so my CO called me Chief Wolf-bane"

"Chief Wolf-bane," said Rick, "I like that."

"So its settled then, no more trying to find me a nickname?" questioned Ken as he sat up enough to look at Rick.

"Ya its settled," said Rick with a snicker, "Wolf-bane."

"That's what you got out of that," laughed Ken, "Wolf-bane?"

"Na just messin' with ya," said Rick, "so you in or out for tonight Chief?"

"Sure, besides someone's got to make sure you don't get into a fight with a brick wall."

"I'm not concerned about the wall, I'm more concerned about what girl I end up in bed with!" Said Rick

"Your joking right?" Asked Ken

"Na Chief, went to bed with a girl few weeks ago, her husband showed up the next morning, just his neck was thicker then my waist."

"Oh for the love of God, I'm NOT saving your ass from waist neck if it comes down to it.”

“Don't worry, I have it all under control.” Rick said as he walked away.

“Oi, what time and bar!” Ken shouted after Rick

“Alright Navy boy,” Rick called over his shoulder, “8:30, the bar at the corner of 8th west and center! Bring a cab!”

Sunday 2019 August 11
4:26 AM

“Rick, I need a dringk.” slurred Ken as he stumbled out of the cab and to his home. With Rick right on his tail.

“Hey buddy,” Rick whispered to the cab driver, “$50 if you help me get him inside?”

“Plus the meter?”

“Deal” Agreed Rick as he rapped Kens arm around his shoulder, “Sorry Chief, but I think you've had enough to drink for a while.”

“Oh nonshense, Ricky I've juhst started.” said Ken as his other arm went around the cab drivers shoulder, “Ohhh I want a Lime Ricky now.”

“Chief, you ran up a tab over $300!” said Rick

“Did nhot!”

“Chief, I hate to do this to you but, if you don't go to bed when, sorry whats your name?”

“Mike” responded the cab driver.

“Right, when Mike and I put you in bed I WILL make sure that every speaker in your house and car Rick-Rolls you for the next MONTH!” Protested Rick as he and Mike carried the living liquor store.

“You wouldn't dare.” Ken said with the most sober glare a martini olive that has been left in a glass of 800 prof vodka could manage.

“Its not about weather I dare or not,” said Rick with a smirk knowing that he had Ken cornered, “its weather you're willing to take the chance.”

With no further argument Ken gave a final retort of, “Fine, BUT you're paying the cab driver.” Rick and Mike carried Ken to bed were he proceeded to pass out for the night. With Ken fast asleep on his bed, Rick payed Mike and crashed on the couch.

About 45 minutes later Rick woke to the sound of a slow and low rumble. Wondering what it was Rick soon found himself outside Kens bedroom where the rumbling was getting louder and stronger, like the sound of 1000 jackhammers pounding on a bell whit him in it. As Rick reached for the door knob there was a blinding flash that made him shield his eyes, and with a mighty WHOOM to rival a Blue Angle low altitude fly-by, Rick was thrown across the hall into the wall on the other side of the hall to fall unconscious.

“...uddy, hey, still with us? Look don't try to move, you've got a piece of wood where your appendix should be.”

“Ken?” said Rick as he started to come-to.

“Sorry pal, I'm the EMT the neighbors called after the explosion. Look just hold still and don't talk,” said the EMT, “I NEED A GERNY BACK HERE! Now, let's see what we can do about getting you to the hospital.”

All Rick could do was nod as everything started to go black again.

“Hey, stay with me, no going back to sleep you here me! God damn it WHERE'S THAT GE...”

Equestra, Castle of Friendship
Unknown date 1:38PM

“Come on Twilight, it's almost time for lunch with the Princesses.” said Spike, a purple dragon with a green underbelly, as he tried to get a certain Princess of Friendships nose out of a book... again.

“WHAT!” yelled Twilight Sparkle, a lavender mare with a dark purple mane with pink and purple highlights, “You could have told me sooner Spike!”

“I've been trying to tell you for the past two hours.”

“... What time is it?” said a shocked Twilight

“About 1:40.”

“Oh no... That gives us twenty minutes to get the castle ready!”

“Twilight”

“We have to get everything ready!” panicked Twilight as she ran through the halls to the dining hall.

“Twilight” deadpanned Spike from Twilight's back.

“We don't have time for this Spike,” said Twilight as she burst through the door, “we have to get... Ready.”

“Twilight, we are ready, all we need is the food.” said Spike as he sniffed the air, “Ugh, and you need a shower.”

“I do not... Spike what's that smell?” asked Twilight with her nose wrinkled to the point that it looked like she smelled the back end of a dead skunk that had been sitting out in the hot sun for two weeks.

“That would be you.” Spike called from the kitchen taking inventory. “And we don't have enough food for lunch for four!”

“Give me ten minutes in the shower, then we will figure something out.” called Twilight as she made her way to the bathroom. While on her way to the shower there was a knock on the door.

“I got it!” called Spike as he scurried to the door.

“Greetings young Spike!”

“Hello Spike, always nice to see you.”

“Hi Spike!”

“TWILIGHT, BETTER MAKE IT A TWO MINUTE SHOWER!” yelled Spike

“Long study session again?” asked Cadence, a pink mare with a dark pink, purple, and yellow mane and tail, niece of Princess Celestia, and the princess of love.

“Almost three days.” said Spike

“Three days!” exclaimed Luna, a dark blue mare with a mane and tail that shone with the stars of the night sky that floated in a nonexistent breeze, princess of the night, and controller of the moon, “Sister what do you have her working on?”

“Nothing Luna,” responded Celestia, a snow white mare with a pastel purple, green and blue mane and tail that also floated in a nonexistent breeze, princess of the day and controller of the sun, “I haven't given her anything of the sort seance Starswirls old journal. Any ideas Spike?”

“If it intrigues you that much,” said a freshly showered Twilight as she walked down the hall, “We can discus it over lunch, I just hope that Prench restaurant isn't going to make me throw the Princess of Friendship card.”

“Twilight, how about some nice heyburgers.” suggested Celestia

“Oh that sounds good.” said Cadence, “We don't have any hayburgers in the Crystal Empire.”

“Pray tell,” asked Luna, “what is this, heyburger, you speak of?”

“They're these...”

“Spike,”

“Yes Twilight?”

“Don't ruin the surprise.”

“Yes Twilight.”

“So does everypony, except Luna, know what the want.”

“Yup!”

“Ready!”

“Spike?”

“Ready.”

“I'll have my usual.”

“Right, two double hayburgers with cheese.” said Spike as he scribbled it down, “Hayfries or onion rings?”

“Hayfries”

“Cadence?”

“Do they still have that spicy one?”

“The one with the Dragon Pepper sauce? I think so.”

“I'll have that with extra sauce, and sauce on the side.” said Cadence as the rest of the group just stared at her with a look of concern. “What, Shining and I have been trying to spice things up a bit.”

“Spike, get the mind bleach, the LAST thing I needed to hear was that.”

“Sorry Twilight, we used the last of it after we stumbled on Snips and Snails...”

“BACK TO THE ORDERS SPIKE!!”

“Right sorry, umm h-hayfries or onion rings with your death sentence on a bun?”

“Lets try the onion rings Spike.”

“Alright, that just leaves Princesses Celestia and Luna.” said Spike shaking his head from the last order. “What will it be?”

“I'll have the...”

WHOOMB!!!

They all dropped the the ground, windows rattling, chandlers swaying side to side for what felt like hours but was no longer then seconds.

“SWEET MOTHER OF ME WHAT WAS THAT?!” screamed Celestia over the ringing in her ears.

“WHAT?!”

“HUGH?!”

“DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL THE YELLING!? I SWEAR TO GOD RICK, IF YOU BROUGHT HOOKERS INTO MY HOUSE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AND ME THIS HUNGOVER AGAIN THOSE HOOKERS ARE GONNA BE THE WRONG GENDER FOR YOU!!” came an echoing voice from down one of the halls.

“Spike”

“Yes Twilight?”

“Go to Rarity's.”

“What about lunch?” asked Cadence

“Right, Spike go hide in your secret comic room.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!! RICK YOU BETTER HAVE A FUCKING BIG POT OF COFFEE!”

“Stay there until I come and get you, or Princess Celestia sends you a letter saying that it's safe. Cadence go with him.”

“Don't have to tell me twice Twilight.”

“What about us Twilight?” asked Luna

“Well, you know how to make the best cup of coffee I've ever had.” said Celestia with a smirk.

“And you, dear sister, know some of the best hangover cures I've ever heard of, what's your point?” said Luna with a flat face.

“Now wait just a minute,” protested Twilight, “We don't even know what it is!”

“Twilight, it's a male with a bad hangover that's not where he thought he was.” reasoned Celestia, “We'll just have to use generic hangover cure seven.”

“I'll get the coffee and the hot sauce and the grinds.” said Luna as she went to the kitchen.

“RICK, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY HOUSE?!”

“See Twilight, just lost.” said Celestia, “Now, lets go find him, and who knows, he might be quite the stallion.”

“Princess, you sound like my mother.”

“If I wanted to sound like your mother,” chided Celestia, “I would be asking where my grandfoals are.”

With Spike in his not-so-secret comic room and Cadence keeping him company, the two princesses arguing about grandfoals started the search for what made that tremendous explosion while Luna followed behind with a fresh pot of hot sauce spiked coffee, a bag of the coffee grounds used to make it and a bucket. After about twenty minuets of looking in empty rooms they found something they were not expecting, they found a room within a room.

Author's Note

CONSTRUCTIVE criticism welcome.

The Morning After

Author's Note

I have altered this as much as I can while still having the previous chapter be relevant.

The Morning After

They opened the door and there, standing six feet in front of them, stood a wall with charred insulation and severed wires. As they entered the room they saw that it was more then just a wall, it was an entire room.

“Well, that explains why he isn't where he thinks he is.” Celestia whispered to Twilight who just nodded in return.

“Quiet,” scolded Luna, “Do you hear that?”

“Luna, I think you've finally lost you mind.”

“Shut up Sparkle.”

“...even find the damn bathroom in this fucking place.”

“Told you I heard something.”

“God I need to find out where I... wait a minuet, I know that smell.”

At that moment, the three princesses all turned and looked at the pot of spiked coffee. “Buck”

“Hello? Somebody there?”

“Umm, yes we're here,” called Twilight, “and we have coffee.”

“Somebody, not somepony?” questioned Luna

“Well, we know it's not a pony then.” commented Celestia

“Look ma'am, I'm not sure where I am, hell I'm not even sure how my friend pulled this off.”

“Well why don't you come out and we can discus it over this fresh pot of coffee we have here.” said Twilight as she crept around the room.

“I can't help but notice, you keep saying we, how many of you is we?”

“Well there's you, me, and Princesses Celestia and Luna...”

“Who the hell are Princesses Celestia and Luna?”

“Everypony knows who The Princesses are.”

“Stop, say that again.” he said as he came around the corner of the room. Standing before them was Ken in a pair of jeans, a loose fitting long-sleeve shirt and a pair of brown work boots. But what was most noticeable about his attire, was the tactical vest and leg holster. “...how much did I drink last night?”

“Everypony knows who, oh sweet Celestia,” said Twilight, knees knocking and tail between her legs.

“That, oh my,” said Celestia as she fanned herself, “That would be me, and this is my sister Luna.”

“...”

“Luna say something.” urged Celestia

In a flash Luna had sprinted to the strange being standing before them and almost tackled him in a hug, "Can I have hug?"

“Luna we've discussed this,” admonished Celestia, "You need to ask first before you act."

“'Tia,” said Luna with a look that said 'His eyes are filled with a deep sorrow and regret that you will never understand.', “I don't care and I don't here any complaints from him.”

“Fair enough.” Celestia conceded.

“So am I correct in assuming the one around my waist crushing my pelvis Luna?” said Ken with a grateful smile on his face. “And judging by the nickname you are Celestia, correct? Now that just leaves purple here.”

“I'm Twilight” she squeaked.

“Okay lets try it this way,” said Ken as he got closer to Twilight, “my name's Ken, what's yours?”

“I'm Twilight” she squeaked as she curled into a ball on the floor and started shaking.

“Oh god...” said Ken with realization, “Luna what's her name?”

“Twilight Sparkle”

“Okay Twilight, I'm not going to hurt you.” said Ken as he backed away, hands out in front of him, showing they were empty.

“Why is she so scared of him?” asked Luna as she sat next to Twilight with a wing draped over her.

“Luna, look at him what do you see.” said Celestia as she sat down on the other side of Twilight with her wing over her back too.

“Small, close together eyes, fixed ears, small nose, lean muscle, long legs...” Luna listed off, “over all I don't see why he would scare her like this.”

“Luna, she's the element of magic,” said Celestia, “look AROUND him.”

“...That's not possible.” whispered a shocked Luna, “It's pure...”

“...But not.” finished Celestia, “I'm calling him.”

“Whose him?” asked Ken

The royal sisters looked at each other with a look of bewilderment and shock.

“What does discord mean to you?” asked Luna

“If I remember correctly, it is chaos;strife; dispute; or war.”

“One moment Luna.” said Celestia as a golden aura enveloped her horn, “DISCORD GET OVER HERE!!”

“Is there really a reason to interrupt my Thursday tea Pri... SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHAT IS THAT?!” shouted what could only be described as the son of a patchwork quilt made of different animals wearing a red velvet smoking jacket and monocle.

“Took the words right out of my mouth.” said Ken, eyes wide and brow furrowed.

“Ken, this is Discord, Lord of Chaos and Disharmony.” introduced Luna

“Discord, this is Ken, he is reason I called you.” introduced Celestia

“That's nice,” said the creature Ken now knew as Discord, “is there a good reason you called me here, or did you just call me here to introduce me to this thing?”

“No, Discord, I called you here to take a look at him. Luna and I found something you might find interesting.”

“What could you possibly think I would find even...remotely...interesting”

“Discord?”

“...wow” Discord said under his breath

“Discord”

“Hmm? Oh, right!”

“He's soaked in YOUR magic,” accused Luna with a glare that could melt a hole through a solid titanium plate, “care to explain that!”

“Wait, you think I brought that disgusting... thing, here!? How absurd that you would think that I did this!”

“Oi, this “thing” is standing right here!” yelled Ken “I don't care who the FUCK you THINK you are, I don't give a FUCKING DAMN what you are,” he continued as he marched toward the draconequus, backing him up to the wall, “I am lost, confused, and most of all I am scared. Now, PLEASE, tell me what the FUCK is going on and what the hell it is you keep seeing!”

“An aura.” said Celestia

“What” said Ken as he snapped his head around to look at her.

“The energy around you.” squeaked Discord

“I know what an aura is,” said Ken, “but what does that have to do with me.”

“That's why they called me,” said Discord, “the aura around you and this structure is similar to the magic I use, chaos magic.”

“Then why do you keep saying it's different?”

“Because there are two different auras as well,” explained Discord, “one that heavily conflicts with the chaotic aura, a harmonious aura, that's coming DIRECTLY form you, and one that I have never seen before coming from both you and the structure like an outer shell, it's so thin that I can barely see it.”

“A Halo-Effect.” said Ken

“Pardon?”

“Oh the great and powerful Ass-hat of Chaos has been out smarted by an insignificant thing,” Ken said with a smirk, “ the Halo-Effect is a method we use to track a phenomenon called dark matter by it, being dark matter, bending light and creating a disk of light.”

“Alright mister smarty pants, care to explain what this halo aura is and how in the name of tartarus chaos magic got to you and your structure.” quipped the disgruntled draconequues.

“The mystery aura, halo aura, unknown aura whatever the hell you wish to call it, I can't explain.”

“HA!”

“Now Discord, not even you could explain that.” scolded Celestia in her ever-present motherly tone, “If you don't like him out smarting you, figure out what we can't.”

“Oh I just had a splendid idea,” said Discord, “I am going to finish my Thursday tea with Flutershy, then I am going to find out what this halo aura is!”

With a snap of his taloned hand Discord vanished in a flash of white light.

“I still despise that creature.” said the midnight blue mare, “Now you said you know why there is an aura of chaos around?”

“Hmm? Oh, yes! Hang on.”said Ken as he went back into the room. When he came back he held a small breath spray, “Which one of you is better at mind magic?”

“Luna” stated Celestia while still comforting her student and friend.

“Exultant, Luna come here.” said Ken before he doused his mouth with the spray, “and trust me.”

“Why, what are you plan...humph!!” started Luna before Ken kissed her. As their lips met Luna's mind was met with snapshots of the history of Ken's kind, the history of man. In that kiss Luna was met with everything Ken's people knew about themselves from the first man to The War on Terror.

“For the love of all that is beautiful!” said Luna with wide eyes as she staggered back, mind still trying to process what she had seen, eyes wide with terror, amazement, and understanding.

“Luna, what is it?” asked Celestia

“THAT WAS ONE OF, IF NOT THE, BEST KISSES I'VE EVER HAD!” screamed Luna with a smile on her face to rival one of Pinkie Pie's.

“That's great and all Luna but what did you see.” chortled Celestia

“I can't describe it,” said Luna lighting her horn, “But I can show you, both of you.”

“Let's not get ahead of our self here Luna,” stated Ken, “I don't think Twilight here can take the history of man kind just yet.”

“True,” conceded Luna, “perhaps a peaceful dream to help her relax first?”

“An exultant idea sister.”

And with that the two mares on the floor were fast asleep, one off to dream of sugar plumbs and the full history of Equestria, and the other to dream of the history of man.

Castle of Friendship
Bedroom with an extra Bedroom in it
Same Unknown Day 5:27 PM

“Oh my, how long was I out, sister are you still here?”

“Shush,” called Ken in hushed tones, “We're over here.”

As Celestia rounded the corner of the extra room, her eyes fell upon a sight she did not expect to see. There, laying in the bed, was Ken holding a snoozing Luna, whom had a face that could only be described as pure and utter bliss.

“Well,” said Celestia with a chuckle, “I see how you two spent my history lesson. And by the look on your faces, it was time well spent.”

“Well Princess, you've seen what I am,” stated Ken, “any questions?”

“Just a few for now,” Celestia said as she sat down next to the bed, “You've shown us the story of your kind, but what of you, where is YOUR story.” she said with a prod to his chest.

“Somethings, your highness, are better left berried.” he said with misty eyes.

“Somethings need to be excavated.”

“Somethings are to painful to relive Celestia!” hissed Ken as he tightened his grip on Luna, “Next question.”

“What do you know about us?”

“Just what Luna told me Princess,” he said as he lessened his grip on Luna, “why?”

“You seem unfazed by the fact that you're not... home.”

“Princess,” Ken said with a hand on Celestias shoulder, “this is the closest I've had to a home in three years.”

“Then where do you live?”

“In a house.” Ken said looking at Luna with a sad smile, “Can we uh, can we change the subject?”

“Sorry if I struck a nerve, I take it that you two didn't just...”

“Have sex?” Ken chuckled, “No Princess, we didn't do anything of the sort, if anything Luna helped me more then any of my closest friends in my world.”

“How long was I out.” groaned Celestia

“A little over two and a half hours.”

“And Luna?”

“I have slept for about twenty minutes.” said a groggy Luna as she snuggled closer to Ken.

“Enjoying yourself Luna?” chuckled Ken as he started rubbing her shoulder.

“Oh you have no idea.” Luna cooed

“Come on, time to get up.” Ken urged, poking Luna in the belly earning some giggles.

“Noooo,” Luna whined, “I don't wanna' get up, it's warm and soft here.”

“Come on, we need to get Twilight up to speed.” he groaned as he poked her a few more times earning some snickering.

“R-Relax,” she said through giggles, “I just checked on her, she's in the Ardennes, in the 40's is what you called them?”

“WHAT!” said Ken as he shot up out of the bed, “You left her, alone, in World War Two!”

“Hey, relax” urged Celestia, “Luna is quite good at making the dream fit the pony.”

“She is currently learning your history in a way that best fits her,” said Luna with a smirk, trying to suppress her giggling, “a library.”

“Oh thank god,” said Ken as he breathed a sigh of relief, “I thought she was going to relive it.”

“No,” Celestia said, “she relegated that for me.”

“You were a force to be reckoned with on the field of battle sister.”

“That was one thousand years ago Luna,” Celestia said with a soft smile, “Equestria needed a diplomat not a warrior.”

“Thou hast not denied it!” cried Luna with a triumphant hoof in the air.

“I admit that there are days that I miss being more... active,” Celestia conceded, “but to be thrown into something like that, a little warning would have been nice.”

“Apologies Sister, I was reminiscing in the 60's.”

“The 60's Luna?”

“The Space Race Princess,” said a groggy Twilight, “the Moon landings.”

“Good to see you're up.” Ken smirked

“Yes I'm awake,” she said, “Now I have some questions for you, but they can wait for us to get Cadence and Spike.”

“Who and who?”

“My sister-in law and my number one assistant.”