ApplePie hits the clubs

by Foxhelm

Rating: teen
Tags: Applejack (EqG), Human, Alternate Universe, Drama, Equestria Girls, Pinkie Pie (EqG), Comedy
Length: 2494

Applejack and Pinkie Pie try their hands at comedy routines.

A collection of various comedy routines, from the classics to the modern and few of their own, performed by Applejack and Pinkie Pie as the two take their high school gig to the wide world.

Published 2017-12-19 15:40:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-19 15:40:11 UTC

Pinkie on First

"Next up in the talent show is Applejack and Pinkie Pie doing a classic skite with their own little twist." Vice Principal Luna said before she stepped off stage.

A set of red curtains was then pulled open, and showed a stage, on it was Applejack and Pinkie Pie. Applejack was dressed like a businesswoman, while Pinkie Pie was wearing the pants, shirt, and cap of a baseball player. Each had a microphone in her left hand. Also on the stage was a pitcher with two glasses full of water. Applejack poured herself a glass and had some before she spoke into the microphone, angling herself so that she could speak to both Pinkie and the audience, which was the whole of CHS student body, "Well Pinkie Pie, got good news, Ah'm going to Manehattan with yah."

"That is so awesome, woo-hoo!" Pinkie cheered as she jumped up and down.

"Now take it easy, Sugarcube." Applejack said as Pinkie stopped, "Yah know why Ah goin' right? Because, Bucky Harris, the team's owner, hired mah as a manager for as long as you're on the team as the new right fielder."

"How can I forget that, silly? But still, that’s super-duper-uper awesome Applejack!” Pinkie cheered as gave Applejack an extremely tight hug. After a second, she broke the hug as she remembered something, “Say if you're a manager, you must know all the other players."

"That be true, Sugarcube." Applejack said with her eyes closed and a smile on her face.

"Well, I haven't met the other players yet." Pinkie pouted sadly, "So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know everyone on the team and actually get 9001 friends!" Pinkie cheered the last part. Everyone had a slight chuckle, Pinkie had to be looking at 9001 in the rearview mirror at least a million friends ago, and that's not even addressing her MyStable account.

"Take it easy, Sugarcube, Ah'll tell yah their names," Applejack informed which got Pinkie to calm down a little. The farm girl then held her chin with her right hand as if in thought, "but yah know, it seems to mah ball players have very peculiar names."

"You mean funny names?" Pinkie asked innocently.

Applejack answer was more of a continuation of the list, "And strange names, pet names...like this one fella called Dizzy Dean..."

"His brother Daffy," Pinkie added to the list.

"Eeyup, Daffy Dean..." Applejack confirmed with a nod.

"And their Prench cousin." Pinkie suggested

"Prench?" Applejack asked befuddled at the inclusion.

"Yeah, silly. Goofy," Pinkie answered.

"Goofy?" Applejack asked and after a second of thought, "… oh, yah mean Goofè, Goofè Dean.” Applejack had a little laugh, “That was a good one, Sugarcube."

"Thank you." Pinkie said with a bow.

"Well, let's see, wah have on the bags;" as Applejack prepared to list off the other players, Pinkie Pie took a pencil and paper and prepared to write, "Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third..." Applejack took a moment as she seemed to be scanning through her mental list.

"That's what I want to find out." Pinkie said cutting Applejack off before Applejack could continue the list.

"Come again?" Applejack asked caught off guard.

"The player's names, silly." Pinkie stated with a slight eye-roll.

"Ah was giving yah them." Applejack answered and she started up again, "Now as Ah said Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third..."

"Are you sure that you are the manager?" Pinkie Pie asked as she cut Applejack short.

"Eeyup." Applejack answered her eyes closed and a grin on her face, her head tilted up as if she held her chin up.

"Are you going to be the coach too?" Pinkie asked next.

"Possibly." Applejack answered as her eyes opened slightly, with a shurg of her shoulders, as she lowered her head to be on Pinkie's eye level.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow not convened with either answer as she asked her next question, "And don't you know the players' names?"

"Oh Ah know them, Sugercube." Applejack answered getting a little defensive, it wasn't much, but it was not mistakable.

"Well, then who's on first?" Pinkie asked as she cut to the point.

"Eeyup" was all Applejack said with a nod.

"I mean the fellow's name." Pinkie sought to clarify her question.

"Who." Applejack answered.

"The guy on first." Pinkie continued.

"Who." Applejack answered.

" The first baseman." Pinkie called out.

" Who." Applejack stated, surpringly calm.

"The person playing..." Pinkie stared.

"Who is on first!" Applejack almost shouted trying to convey her point.

"I'm asking YOU who's on first." Pinkie could not help but shout the 'you' indicating that she didn't know.

" That's his name. " Applejack replied calmly.

"That's who's name? " Pinkie asked

"Eeyup. " the farm girl answered

"Well go ahead and tell me. " Pinkie requested

"That's it." Applejack stated.

"That's who?"

"Eeyup."

There was a pause as Pinkie looked to the audience in a state of sheer confusion. After she took a second to think, "Look, you got a first baseman?"

"Certainly."

"Who's playing first?"

" That's right."

"When you pay the first baseman, who gets the money?"

"Every bit of it."

"All I'm trying to find out is the person's name on first base." Pinkie wanted to make clear.

"Who."

"The person that gets..."

"That's it."

"Who gets the money..."

"He does, every bit. Although sometimes his wife comes down and collects it." Applejack, however, paused when she brought up that Who's life on occasions collects the money.

"Who's wife?"

" Eeyup ." There was a pause as Pinkie started to pull her hair in frustration. "What's wrong with that?" Applejack asked as Pinkie calmed down.

"Look, all I want to know is when you sign in the first baseman, how does he sign his name? "

" Who." Applejack answered.

"The guy."

"Who."

"How does he sign..." Pinkie started to ask.

"That's how he signs it." Applejack answered as she cut Pinkie there.

"Who?"

"Eeyup."

There was a pause as Pinkie tried to figure out what she was told, " All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base."

" No. What is on second base." Applejack pointed out the second based person.

"I'm not asking you who's on second." Pinkie stated.

"Who's on first."

"One base at a time!" Pinkie shouted getting frustrated with how this line of questions has gone.

"Well, don't change the players around, Sugarcube." Applejack committed.

"I'm not changing nobody!" Pinkie shouted as she pulled her hair. After which she took a deep breath.

"Take it easy, Sugarcube." Applejack tried to calm her friend down.

"I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?" Pinkie asked as she started to calm.

"That's right."

"Ok."

"All right."

There was another pause as Pinkie Pie looked to the audience utterly baffled at the perceived change in the name of the first base-player from 'That's Right' to 'All Right'. She turned back to Applejack, "What's the guy's name on first base?"

"What is on second." Applejack informed.

"I'm not asking you who's on second." Pinkie clarified.

"Who's on first." Applejack clarified.

"I don't know." Pinkie replied.

"Oh, she's on third, we're not talking about her."

Pinkie looked the audience completely at a lost, "How did I get to third?"

"Yah mentioned her name, Sugarcube."

"If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?" Pinkie asked as she tried to understand what she heard.

"No. Who's playing first." Applejack replied.

"What's on first?" Pinkie asked to clarify.

"What's on second." Applejack stated.

" I don't know." Pinkie replied to the question.

"She's on third." Applejack replied.

"There I go, back on third again!" Pinkie said with a sigh of frustration. There was a pause she took a breath to change the lines of questions, "Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it."

"All right, what do you want to know?" Applejack asked.

"Now who's playing third base?" Pinkie asked.

"Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?" Applejack starting to be frustrated with Pinkie not seeming to get the point.

"What am I putting on third?" Pinkie asked still at a lost.

"No. What is on second." Applejack replied.

"You don't want who on second?" Pinkie asked not seeming to follow.

Applejack: "Who is on first." Applejack replied.

"I don't know." Pinkie answered.

"Third base! " "Third base? " Applejack and Pinkie said, Applejack stating but Pinkie asking.

The was a pause as Pinkie took a step back as she tried to figure out the others players. Seeing no answer she elected to go into the outfield, "Look, you got an outfield?"

"Sugarcube, Yah're the right fielder, of course, wah do."

"The left fielder's name is?"

"Why." Applejack replied.

"I just thought I'd ask you." Pinkie talked back.

"Ah just thought Ah'd tell ya." Applejack replied.

"Then tell me who's playing left field." Pinkie commended.

"Who's playing first." Applejack stated.

"I'm not..." Pinkie started only to stop and shout, "stay out of the infield!" Applejack wisely took a step back. "I want to know what's the perosn's name in left field?"

"No, What is on second." Applejack tried to clarify.

"I'm not asking you who's on second." Pinkie declared she didn't want to deal with the second base.

"Who's on first!"

I don't know.

"Third base! " "Third base? " Applejack and Pinkie said, Applejack stating but Pinkie asking.

There was a pause Pinkie tried to think about how to ask the question, "The left fielder's name?" Pinkie asked again.

"Why."

"Because!" Pinkie shouted as she tried to get an answer.

"Oh, she's centerfield." Applejack replied.

The was a pause as Pinkie looked to the audience and then again changed the line of questions, "Look, You got a pitcher on this team?"

"Eeyupe." Applejack replied.

"The pitcher's name?" Pinkie asked as she committed to this change to the rest of the team.

"Tomorrow." Applejack answered.

"You don't want to tell me today?" Pinkie asked clearly confused.

"Ah'm telling yah now." Applejack stated.

"Then go ahead." Pinkie requested.

"Tomorrow!" Applejack answered.

"What time?" Pinkie asked seeking to get more information.

"What time what?" Applejack asked confused about the question.

"What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?"Pinkie clarified.

"Now listen, Sugarcube. Who is not pitching?" Applejack stated. It was clear that Pinkie's continuous misplacing of Who was started to get under her skin.

"I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! " Pinkie shouted as she pointed the bat at Applejack, and cut Applejack before she could say those three words. Applejack raised her hands showing her palms as Pinkie calmed down and lowered the bat. "I want to know what's the pitcher's name?"

"What's on second." Applejack stated to clarify.

"I don't know." Pinkie answered.

"Third base! " "Third base? " Applejack and Pinkie said, Applejack stating but Pinkie asking.

There was a pause as Pinkie looked to the audience still very much at lost. Again she elected to change to a different part of the team, " Got a catcher?"

"Certainly." Applejack answered.

"The catcher's name?" Pinkie asked.

"Today." Applejack answered.

"Today's catching, and tomorrow's pitching." Pinkie said as she tried to follow Applejack.

" Now you've got it, Sugarcube." Applejack exclaimed and gave Pinkie a hug.

"All we got is a couple of days on the team." Pinkie Pie said, her voice dripping with cynicism and sarcasm as Applejack ended the hug. There was another pause before Pinkie Pie spoke again, "You know I'm a catcher too."

"So Ah'm told, Sugarcube." Applejack quipped

"Well assuming I am catching," Pinkie started her statement.

"That's a pretty big assumption, but okay." Applejack commented.

Pinkie continued, "I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?"

"Now that's the first thing you've said right, Sugarcube." Applejack said with a pat of congratulations on Pinkie shoulder.

"I don't even know what I'm talking about!" Pinkie Pie screamed as she pulled her hair and fell to her knees as if she was going to break down and cry.

There was a pause before Applejack spoke as she helped Pinkie back to her feet, "It's okay Sugarcube because that's all yah have to do, Sugarcube."

"Is to throw the ball to first base?" Pinkie asked as she wiped tears from her eyes.

"Eeyupe!"

"Now who's got it?" Pinkie asked.

"Naturally." Applejack answered and was followed by a pause as Pinkie looked to audience utterly at a lost.

"Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's got to get it. Now, who has it?" She asked as she hoped Applejack would give her an answer.

"Naturally. Applejack answered.

"Who?" Pinkie asked.

"Naturally."

"Naturally?" Pinkie asked to confirm the answer.

"Naturally." Applejack said with a close-eyed smile and a nod.

" So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally." Pinkie said thinking she got it.

Applejack facepalmed herself, "No yah don't, Sugarcube! Yah throw the ball to Who!" she shouted.

"Naturally."

"That's different." Applejack clarified.

"That's what I said." Pinkie countered.

"Yah're not saying it..." Applejack tried to explain.

" I throw the ball to Naturally."

"Yah throw it to Who." Applejack declared.

"Naturally."

"That's it, Sugarcube."

"That's what I said!" Pinkie shouted.

"Yah ask mah." Applejack requested as she hoped this would help Pinkie understand.

"I throw the ball to who?" Pinkie asked.

"Naturally." Applejack answered.

"Now you ask me." Pinke requested.

"Yah throw the ball to Who?" Applejack asked.

"Naturally." Pinkie answered.

" That's it." replied Applejack as it looked like Pinkie seemed to get it.

"Same as you!" Pinkie shouted and before Applejack could contradict her, "Same as YOU!" Applejack didn't press the matter as Pinkie continued. "I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is, drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!" She shouted the last part.

"What was that last thing, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked slightly confused.

"I said I don't give a darn!" Pinkie screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Oh, yah know our shortstop?" Applejack asked innocently before Pinkie looked to the audience, her right eye twitching as she picked up her bat and screamed and started to swing at Applejack as the two ran off the stage stage-left.