Hay, Virgin
A story of...uh, no clue, by B.
"Haaay, virgin."
Spike’s head was held up by his right claw, his left tapping on the wooden counter at an increasing tempo. His face surmised his feelings on the past hour nicely, the classic, I'm tired of this shit expression. The hoof rubbing along his back worsened the irritation, but the drake took solace in it wasn’t some drunk feeling him up.
"Yes, Rainbow?" Spike huffed, refusing to look anywhere else but straight ahead. "Is there something you want?"
"Ohhh, totally,” she said, her breath washing over his earfin. “There’s this big secret that I want to share with you.”
Spike sighed, leaning more into his propped claw and away from her. "And just would that be Rainbow Dash?”
Her lips hovered before his ear; the cider on her breath was all that he could smell. Then, her lips parted, and a strained whisper came out. "You're a virgin."
Spike slammed his forehead onto the counter. Darkness and silence. Then, the hoof rubbing his back retracted as its owner spoke.
"Hey, come on, there’s no need to sweat the small stuff, little buddy.” There was that word again: buddy. To most, it was word big brothers called their little brothers; older friends called their younger friends without any connotations attached. But, there’s something you must understand, and that is Spike is a petty little dragon, one who could only see the word as another stallion’s sense of superiority. And, in the case of prince Shining Armor, that superiority was well earned. “You'll find a mare that’ll dig you for the cool little dude that you are.”
Spike groaned; it reverberated across the counter.
Shining frowned, glancing over the slumped drake to where Dash sat, communicating their mutual confusion as to what to do via momentary gaze. Then, they shrugged, returning what they did best: Rainbow drank, and Shining massaged.
"...a dragoness will dig little old you?”
Another groan. Shining gave up hope.
"Can you please stop using the word little?” Spike’s voice came muffled from the counter, which he then peeled his face from, before turning his head to both the mare and the stallion. "Having to look up to everypony I meet already beats in the fact that I’m a midget. Mares don't usually go for guys they have to look down to see."
"Ain’t that the truth," Rainbow said, picking up her mug between her hooves. "You'd have to rise on your tippy-toes just to give her a goodnight kiss...much less kiss during anything else."
"Oh come off it, Rainbow Dash." Shining glared at her from behind the drake's shoulders, but her head was tilted back while chugging cider to notice. Sighing, he looked back to Spike. "Look, buddy, I know it must always suck to be the shortest in a group, but I guarantee in the coming months you'll hit a growth spurt and become the tallest in a crowd."
Feminine giggles erupted from over the table. "Oh yeah, that ain't happening for him anytime soon."
"Rainbow!"
"No, she has a point," Spike interrupted, gazing into his big boy mug. "My growth is connected to the size of my hoard, and since having one turns me into a greedy monster, I have to survive off the bare minimum in order to be like everypony else."
"No," Dash corrected, "you're shorter than everypony else."
"Rainbow Dash!" Shinning said, "why did we even invite you out in the first place?"
Her first response was not to reply, but instead, lean over the counter and hold her cup below the tap, using her wing to push the lever forward, licking her lips as she watched the cider raise in her mug. Upon filling, she sat back, looking at the two smirking, her mug raised. "Uh, maybe it’s the fact you wanted somepony you could actually drink with?"
"Hey!" Spike raised his mug as well, the words ‘big boy’ still etched into it. "I'm drinking, too!" He sipped on his drink, going so far as to stick out his tongue and make a 'yucky' face afterward.
"No offense, champ, but I mean real drinks," she replied, taking a swig from her mug. “Y’know, apple-cider instead of apple juice.” She placed the mug back on the counter, a thought suddenly striking her. "Hay, just wait a darn sec.” She looked down at Spike—in more ways than one. “How did you get in here anyway? You're underage!"
Spike sighed. "...Rainbow Dash?"
"Yeah?"
"How old am I?"
She thought long, and she thought hard about it. Then, it occurred to her, that, despite all the adventures, all the slumber parties and lazy days together, she had yet to figure out the little bugger’s age. It puzzled her why this thought never struck her before, but then, she realized why: thinking was for nerds.
So she just spoke from the gut. "Well, you're a baby dragon, right? That must mean super-duper young."
"...Rainbow?"
"Yes, Spike?"
"How old are most babies?"
"Dunno. Two, maybe three?"
"Have you met another baby that's talked like me? Or even a colt that’s done half the stuff I do?"
"Er...no."
"Exactly," he said, his claws to swiping her mug before she could hope to flinch. "Nopony has a clue to how old I really am, so when I walk into a bar, much less inside the empire that has a statue of me, accompanied by the prince of said empire, as well as the element of loyal itself, ain't nopony asking me for I.D."
"Huh. Something you’re actually right about, Spike," she said, both thinking and trying not to think at the same time. "Y'know, maybe you should tell Twi to hold back on calling you a baby dragon.” She beamed, looking over to him “Maybe that's why you're not getting any—mares are too afraid of being labeled a pedophile."
Spike threw back the drink just like Rainbow had done before, eyes closed and head tilted back. Maybe she was right, he thought, perhaps ponies do want me, but they're too afraid of dating a baby who can—
Liquid spewed out from the scaly lips, past the brim of the mug, dousing the counter and rebounding onto the fur of the two ponies present. Shock captured Shining's expression, his first instinct to pat the dragon's back, assisting him in coughing up the rest up.
Rainbow swiped her mug back from his claws and clutched it to her furry blue chest. "Dude, what the hay!?"
His response was another hacking fit.
"There, there," Shinning said, rubbing the drake's back. "Let it all out. It’s alright" He slid his empty mug to the area Spike was hacking. "Spit or vomit if ya gotta."
Spike shook his head, the number of coughs reducing. He looked up to Shinning; voice strained as he spoke. "Thanks—” he coughed “—bro."
"Don't mention it." Shining spotted a cloth left lying on the counter, leaning over to pick it up, and using it to wipe the remaining liquid off the table.
"Geeze, Spike," Rainbow began, using her hoof to wipe the area where his scaly lips had touched, "you may not be a baby, but there's no way your lips are touching this mug anytime soon. How do you expect to go on dinner dates with a mare if you can't even hold your liquor?"
Shinning left the cloth hanging from the edge of the counter to dry, glaring once again at Rainbow Dash. "You're really not helping with this, y'know?" His horn ignited in a blue aura, surrounding his mug and floating under the tap, and just like the mare before, began pouring himself another drink. "Besides, were you any better with your first drink?"
"Hmm?" Rainbow lifted the mug to her lips, allowing a straight current to her gullet for however long it took for a good answer to come to her. Four gulps. "Ah, Hmm? Probably started off as a lightweight that grew a tolerance, but at l didn’t pretend to be more than what I was.”
Spike squinted.
"Rainbow Dash...actually has a good point there." Shining blinked, the filled mug floating before his muzzle. He looked over its brim at Spike. "You shouldn't be portraying yourself as someone you aren't, or else sudden slip-ups like these are going to happen again.” The mug levitated to the left as Shining leaned closer to Spike. “Be honest with yourself, because that's who you are; be kind to others, because that's the truth behind one's charm."
"You know, that would be deep and meaningful if it didn’t come out of Mr. Perfect,” Spike said while glaring up at him. "When you have the type of personality that’s able to fit in anywhere, you never have to feel shameful about the things you’re interested in.” He clapped his claws and fluttered his eyes. “It's cute for a jock to read comics—” his face dropped—not literally though “—and geeky for a chubby dragon to be into them."
"Yeesh," Rainbow muttered into her drink, glancing from the brim at both of the boys. "That's a point in little dude's favor: when you're perfect, you don't have to sweat a thing about yourself. Totally different story when you’re a chubby geek living inside a library.”
Spike turned his head to glare at Rainbow, who, in turn, rose her forehooves in surrender.
"Easy there, coach," she said, letting her hooves collapse back onto the table. "Just a girl repeating you said as the truth for all girl kind. Didn’t mean anything more than that.”
Spike tilted his head. “...are you sure you should be the one speaking on behalf of all girls?”
She glared down at him. “And just what do you mean by that!?”
“Well, no offense,” Spike began, raising his claws with a shit-eating grin. He knew precisely what he was getting himself into. “But when I look at you, the last thing I think is girl.”
“And just how the hay is that!” she said, forehooves up in disbelief because they had somehow developed sentient consciousness. “My mane is a rainbow, my name is a rainbow! How much more girly do you get than that?”
“I’m sorry,” Spike said, voice genuine and claws dropping. “But I fail to see the correlation between rainbows and fertility. It’s very narrow-minded to think that rainbows possess a gender.”
Rainbow narrowed her eyes; Spike stuck out his tongue.
“I bet you have a small stick,” she said.
“I bet you have big lips,” he said. She blinked, and, for the moment, Spike was unaware if he had made a sick burn or just muttered uttered nonsense. But, being the arrogant soul that he was, opted for the former.
“Now hold on a moment!” Shining interjected, ending their game before it could worsen, and earning their attention. “I wasn’t always the Mr. Perfect accepted everywhere like you two think I am!” Spike’s and Rainbow’s shoulders dropped. “There were times I was afraid of rejection like everypony else!”
Rainbow and Spike leaned into each other, both of their brows raised.
"Seriously, I've grappled with insecurity and doubt before!" He went back, back inside his memories to his high school and academy days, all of which were mostly positive, and would do nothing to keep his drowning argument afloat. "Upon entering the academy, I was awash in fear of not being accepted amongst my fellow guards!”
"Aaaaaand?" Spike said.
"And what?" Shining replied.
"And what happened a week," Rainbow interjected, "no, a few days afterward?"
"Well, uh, I recall..." The memory of that week was vivid, made concrete by the endorphin rush of hearing the many cheers, back pats and split pints, the collective hangover at the week’s end still with him now. "...being accepted by most of my peers."
Rainbow and Spike kept silent; their brows inched higher.
"Oh c'mon, it wasn't easy sailing from there out," he said, soaring his mug to his lips, sipping the vile liquid for both courage and time. Then, an idea came, half-way down the mug. His lips pulled away. "I'll be the first to admit the few eccentrics surrounding my personality, so you could imagine my fear of those higher in command having it out for me, claiming disobedience and ineptitude on me.”
"Aaaaaand?" Spike said.
"And what!?"
"What happened next!?" Rainbow continued the drake’s line of questioning, and no, they hadn’t fallen in love to the point where they were finishing each other's sentences. In fact, their friendship comprised of trying to piss the other one off.
"Um, well..." Once again, Mr. Perfect’s perfect memory’s were not kind to him. Well, they were—just to him and not the argument he was making.
Once Shinning had constantly proven able to exude an air of professionalism, he became loved by his captains both on and off the clock—don’t think dirty—quickly becoming the youngest Brigadier General in Canterlot history.
"It t-turns out, that I was, uh,” Shining shifted from their gaze and focused down on his drink, “very...approachable because of weird but professional air. I-I-In fact, most of the command shared my eccentricities: it’s part of the reason why I rose through the ranks as quickly as I did.”
Beads of sweat raced down his forehead. His hooves refused to stop trembling on the counter, drinks doing nothing to settle his nerves. He tried remaining calm, taking deep breaths as quietly as he could, not wanting to project how much he was collapsing inside. Then, he gazed over at the duo who had been quiet for all so long.
Their brows had reached their apex.
"No! Don’t you two dare give me that look!"
They kept giving that look.
“I was a geeky kid!” Shining shouted. “I know the stress of feeling like you don’t fit in!” His chest heaved. “Sure, maybe I was at the head of every sport the school had to offer.” His hooves slammed the counter, jolting all mugs present. “Played the dungeon master a few times in someone’s basement!” He swept his mug off the table. “And gave the valedictorian speech at the closing ceremony.” His hoof then pointed directly at the two, shaking as it did so. “But I’m just as much as a loner as anybody else! I wasn't always this, this, this cool-kid able to score the girl of his dreams!”
Rainbow and Spike glanced at each other.
"Enough with the silent talk! Look, not always being able to get the same girl will be the thing that puts me on the same level as you, Spike!” No exercise, drill or test had seen Shining sweat and pant so much. “Then all that I have said will have validity! My life lessons will also apply to you, and you’ll one day stand the chance of getting a mare to say yes! To being the dragon that you one day see yourself as!”
Shining hoped, prayed, and some other third thing. He mentally searched himself, far deeper than any therapist would ever dare, to where any trauma lurked—childhood, teenage anything. To find something so horrible as to have changed him, something so cringy as to haunt him, to find that one thing that keeps him up late at night consumed by regret.
Then, it came—not Shining but the idea.
"The first time I ever asked Cadence out!" Shining bellowed, his laughter echoing off the empty part, lingering in the air even when he had ceased it. Rainbow’s and Spike’s brows were still raised, just for different reasons this time around.
"She'd been babysitting Twily for a few months, and I couldn't help but admire her every night she came over. Her giggles caused me to go numb, and her voice made me stutter, never before had I felt so horribly outmatched.”
He leaned towards the two, who in turn, leaned away from him. "You don't understand the strife I’d endure; the heartache when she left the house, her perfect body on my mind as I examined myself in the mirror—I could only feel ugly in comparison to her beauty.”
He sighed, dropping his muzzle. “It’d gotten me so down that my buddies noticed. When they asked, I told them everything.”
"Aaaaaand?"
"Will you knock that off!" Shining exclaimed, going back to his mug and downing the remainder. Some of it had split around the corners of his mouth, tainting the alabaster coat of his chest, but he didn’t care—anything but proving his illusion didn’t matter.
Shining gulped whatever was left of the drink and slammed it onto the counter. "The boys hyped me up, the girls I didn’t work out with gave me advice on how to woo her heart, but, even after all that, I was still shaking when I approached her locker.”
"Aaaaaand?"
"And she said yes!" Shining yelled as if it were a battle cry. "The Princess of Love, that unattainable crystal of perfection, said yes to a stallion like me! A stallion loved by everyone in his guard, ascended the ranks faster than those before him, and became the prince of an empire!” Tears stung him with the horrible truth, his fragile eye unable to bear the pain as he slammed his perfect face into the counter, where the tears proceeded to leak out. “Sweet Celestia, I've been popular and perfect all my life! My name is Shining Armor for crying out loud!”
Spike stared at the mess that was the stallion, surprised at seeing his pain rendered at the opposite extreme of his problem. He no longer felt inferior to the superior stallion, because, at their cores, the two bore the same pains just in different ways.
Spike sighed, returning his attention to his big boy mug. He picked it up, and, without shame, downed his apple juice—it went down easier than the apple cider. The moral of the muddled story then came to him, quite a simple one at that.
Shining Armor and Rainbow Dash were shit for dating advice.
Satisfied with both the lesson and his drink, Spike lowered his mug, and saw Rainbow’s face hovering just before its brim.
"Hey, Spike,” she said. “Guess what?"
"....what?"
"You're still a virgin."
