Guards

by TheSillyDuck

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Royal Guard, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2407

Guards is filmed on location with the mares and stallions of the Royal Guard. All ponies are innocent until proven guilty, in a court of law.

Due to slipping popularity and a perceived lack of public attention at times... and an overabundance of negative attention at others due to several massive failures, Celestia has decided to showcase her Royal Guard for the world to see.

These are their stories.

Guards is filmed on location with the mares and stallions of the Royal Guard. All ponies are innocent until proven guilty, in a court of law.

Thankfully editted for me by the one and only Vivid Syntax! Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

Published 2018-01-31 00:30:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-14 00:58:01 UTC

SALT Licked

The sun was setting in Ponyville. The golden orb of Celestia’s day slowly dipped below the treeline of the Everfree Forest, while Luna’s moon rose in its place. As the nightly chill settled over the small village, a thumping bass could be heard from a nearby—and strangely decorated—cottage that almost appeared to be split down the middle by the decorator.

Smoke wafted from the chimneys and fire pits all throughout town as darkness slowly took hold over the city. Street lamps lit with a magical fire, casting a soft glow through the streets. A white earth pony with a short cropped black tail, a black jacket, and black pork pie hat walked through the streets towards Sugarcube Corner. He knocked quickly on the closed restaurant’s door. A crack of light entered the street before a pink pony quickly opened the door and ushered him inside.

Down the street, a mixed group of earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns all waited in the shadows. As soon as the mysterious white stallion entered the restaurant, Spearhead gave his partner a bump with his shoulder. The burnt orange pegasus looked solemnly at his comrades and the two ponies dressed in black with recording equipment before speaking.

“Okay guys, we’ve been waiting for this for a while. I know we’ve had a few mishaps, with our C.I.’s winding up in the Everfree or mysteriously being hit by cases of Poison Joke, but this ends tonight. The investigation’s been a long time going, but we’ve finally tracked the source of all the SALT cubes making their way through town. Swift Shield, Broad Sword,” he said looking at a french blue pegasus and graying earth pony respectively, “you guys have the back. Ardent Storm, Silent Step,” speaking to the jet black pegasus and maroon unicorn on his other side, “you’re with me when we hit the front door.”

All the ponies present silently nodded. They understood the gravity of the task at bay. Hoof-picked by Celestia herself to solve the problem of these SALT cubes getting in the hooves of her little ponies, the colts and fillies of this town were counting on them. Equestria had seen this before. Stimulant And Lavish Tweek cubs were the newest problem, but things like buck, crock, and parasprite dust were nothing compared to these new, blue SALT cubes.

Looking back at at the camera ponies he gestured with a hoof for them to stay back. “Alright everypony, let’s go. Nopony gets out unless they’re in custody. And watch out for the pink one. She knows what she’s doing.”

A pink mare with a cotton candy mane draped herself between Spearhead and Broad Sword, a hoof over each shoulder. “That’s reaaaaallllllyyyyy not true. I never know what’s going on, I just kinda roll with it.”

Spearhead’s eyes popped open. Before he could turn, the mare was already gone, a giggling echo left in her place. “Did… did that just happen?”

Silent just put a hoof to his face. “Probably. If that was Pinkie Pie, it’s really not that surprising.”

“Alright then, we need to move, now!” Everypony donned their Royal Guard helmets and rushed toward Sugarcube Corner, with Swift and Broad running around the back.

Spearhead looked through the window just in time to see Pinkie pop a blue salt cube into her mouth. Turning around and rearing forward, he let loose with a mighty buck to the door, Ardent was the first pony in.

“Royal Guard, everypony down!” Pinkie and the mysterious stallion looked at the oncomers before he grabbed Pinkie and threw her at the entering ponies.

Pinkie yelled just before crashing into the Guard rushing in. “Damn you Heisenburro!”

Before they could catch him, he was gone through the back door.

Spearhead walked in and saw the massive pony pile that was his men and Pinkie, her frazzled mane going every which way, her face obscured by… he wasn’t sure what. Looking back at the camera pony, the operator just shrugged and motioned to keep rolling. “Not sure how that happened, but it isn’t me.”

Spearhead walked over to the pile-o-ponies and pulled Pinkie off as his fellow Guards got to their hooves. Pinkie began to bounce in place, her coat stood on end. “Okay, Pink! The jig is up, we’ve spent months investigating this and we know the other pony you were with is the supplier. Now where’s the rest of the salt cubes? And for the love of Celestia stop whatever you’re doing to blur your face.”

Pinkie started to giggle, taking a hoof she somehow grabbed the blurred circle and took a bite out of it before throwing it in the trash, a smile slowly grew until it covered most of her face. She began to giggle and her eyes both pointed out before she went into a full blown laugh.

“Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingaboutsillyponythatstallionwasjustmycandysupplierforallmysweetsandbakedgoodsthatIgivetoallthecoltsandfilliesnothingsinisterisgoingonhereandI’mreallynotsurewhat’sgoingonrightnowbutisitjustmeordoestheairtastefunnyrightnowandwhydoesyourvoicelooksoweird?” As she rambled, she disappeared from sight, reappearing behind the front counter before disappearing to a chair in the corner, then from the ceiling light, and finally back in front of Spearhead where she began to laugh dementedly.

Silent Step called out from the kitchen of the shop, “Sir! It’s here!” He walked out carrying a bag in each hoof full of light blue salt cubes.

Looking to his partner and then back at Pinkie, he scowled.

Pinkie stopped vibrating and shrunk down. A slight squee escaped her as she smiled. “Uhhh… it’s medicinal?”

Spearhead stood regally with a hoof on a pile of blue salt cubes as he stared at the camera. “It was a tough investigation, and we did have some setbacks. But overall I think things worked out in the end. This is a lot of blue SALT that won’t be getting to any of the colts and fillies of this town anymore, and that is something to be proud of.”

A loud crash came from the kitchen, followed by a plume of flour as Swift Shield and Broad Sword came out of the kitchen both coughing and covered in the fine, white dust. Leaning back against the wall, Swift sighed… just before another shelf broke, dropping a metal tray filled to the brim with rock candy on his head.

Spearhead sighed. “Then again… some... different setbacks or certain ponies mysteriously winding up in the Everfree may have made things move a bit faster instead of slower.”

Broad walked towards the camera and stopped, stepping in something. Picking up a forehoof he looked at the blue smudge and tried to wipe it away with his nose. In an instant his eyes grew wide, his pupils grew large, and his coat stood on end. “Hey boss, I don’t feel so good….”

Spearhead sighed again. “Just… just cut, for the love of Celestia.”

Fly Sober or Get Pulled Over

Hank stood diligently on the outskirts of ponyville. The white pegasus ruffled his feathers and adjusted his armor as he shifted uneasily back and forth on his hooves. “So um… you just want me to talk right? Is there anything I’m supposed to say?”

The camera pony was wearing all black. He simply shook his head and motioned in a circle with his hoof to get Hank to continue. Then he turned on the spotlight.

A bead of sweat rolled down the back of Hank’s neck. “So uhh, I’m Royal Guard Hank. I’ve been with Celestia’s Guard for um… about two years now.” He chuckled nervously as his eyes shifted back and forth between the camera pony and boom mic operator. “We’re here outside of Ponyville today because of some recent complaints we’ve been getting from local pegasi. Apparently there’ve been a lot of reports of reckless flying and ponies FUI.” He paused a moment in thought before continuing. “That’s Flying Under the Influence for you ponies at home. Most ponies just think of it as a harmless crime, if you crash you’re only hurting yourself.”

The screen cut to a slide show of ponies with broken wings or in ditches who had crashed from the sky. As Hank continued to narrate in the background though, the scene began to change to something a bit more somber. “At this time of night though, you get a lot of confusion with the changing light, and a lot of little ponies trying to get in a few more practice flights before bed. Combine that with bigger ponies doing their normal routine, and add in a few who are FUI, and some of the crashes can be pretty bad.”

Looking over his shoulder at the clocktower, he gestured with his head. “Okay, it’s time to get going. Every day at about this we get the same report of a possible FUI. The complainants all always say the same thing, a bright blue blur that zig zags all over the sky and nearly misses other pegasi. Past few times we’ve gotten anonymous reports that the pony has crashed into a tree too, but nopony ever wants to file a complaint.”

In the distance, a curtain could be seen slamming shut on the upper level of the Golden Oak Library.

“It’s a pretty common problem unfortunately, the flight path between here and Cloudsdale is pretty simple, so most pegasi think that one or two ciders and they can make it back and forth without issue. That’s really just not… oh wait, here we go!”

In the distance, a pale blue dot could be seen growing larger as it barrelled towards Ponyville. The camerapony tried to zoom in but the lone dot was moving too fast and zig-zagging far too much for him to do so. Quickly, and with the agility of a well trained athlete, Hank gave a jump kick and started into the air towards the pegasus.

“Halt! This is the Royal Guard, come to a stop and land immedia–” the blur shot past hank nearly knocking off his helmet, clipping him with a wing in the process.

Hank spun around in a circle before coming to a halt, hovering, watching the pony fly away. “Mother of Celestia…” In a flash he was in pursuit, the cyan pegasus clearly had the build of a flyer and would, on any regular day, be able to out fly Hank. But today… today was different. She was clearly all over the sky, side to side and up and down, she was not in her best form. “You can see by how she’s flying,” he paused to take a breath, “she’s definitely not fit to be in the air. We need to get her down before she hurts herself or someone else.”

Hank poured everything he had into his wings, drawing even with the mare. “Ma’am, land immediately! Royal Guard!” The brash pegasus looked over her shoulder at the stallion with a glazed look in her eyes before shrugging and lazily floating to the ground. Once all four hooves were on the ground it was clear she couldn’t even stand properly. Even with four hooves on the ground she was swaying side to side and her eyes wouldn’t even focus on Hank.

“Okay there ma’am, I’m Guard Hank, and you are?”

The mare hiccuped and her eyes glazed over. “Uh… Rainbow Dash? You hic haven’t heard of me?”

Hank stared blankly at her. “Riiiight…. Okay Ms. Dash, where’re you coming from tonight?”

“Uhh.. a friend’s?”

The more Rainbow hiccuped the more the smell of the cider filled the air. “And how much did you have to drink tonight?”

“I only had,” she looked down to her front hooves and back up, “two ciders! Yeah, that’s hic it.”

Hank stared blankly at her. “Oookayyy…. Well Ms. Dash, do you really think you should be flying right now?”

She nodded her head up and down vigorously, stumbling to the side when she stopped.

“Alright Ms. Dash, I’m going to ask you to do some tests for me, okay? To make sure you’re safe enough to fly home. Think you can do that?”

“I donno… hic I was always told not to do that shtuff.”

“Well Ms. Dash I mean, if you don’t think you’re good enough to pass…”

A fire filled Rainbow’s eyes. “I can pash any test you’ve got! Give it to me!” She said with a smile.

“Excellent, okay Ms. Dash. First thing I want you to do is stand with your hooves together and keep your head still.” Hank held up his right hoof and put it in front of her face. “Now I want you to follow my hoof with your eyes only, and don’t move from that position. Any questions?”

Rainbow stared blankly at him. “Uhh… which hoof should I look at?”

The camera pony smirked and Hank gave him a glare. “Okay umm… I think we can just move on to the next test.”

Rainbow didn’t even hear him. She was staring directly at the camera pony who smirked at her. Without warning she lunged forward. Hank had to tackle her to the ground before the two could connect. “Stop resisting, Rainbow! You’re under arrest!” A quick blue hoof to the face knocked Hank off of her. He quickly jumped back on her back before she could fly off, landing a hoof of his own. The two camera crew ponies helped hold her down until he could get hoof cuffs on her.

Two more Royal Guard ponies loaded Rainbow into a wagon outside the window, before hauling her off for processing. Hank stood proudly with his front hoof planted elegantly on his helmet as he spoke. The briefing room they stood in was small, but provided a covered area for him to debrief the camera crew. “Ponies always question why we’re such sticklers about the pedestrian and flight traffic laws. This is the perfect example, one more FUI pony out of the sky that won’t hurt themself or anypony else. They really are getting to be a–”

The door flew open and in walked Lt. Steel Spear, his brow furrowed. “Hank! Where are the camera ponies? All you were supposed to do was bring them over to outbost ‘B’ so I… I mean we could film the next block!” He walked in and stared at the setup. Hank standing proud. Camera crew recording him. Drunk mare in the wagon outside. He facehoofed. “Oh sweet Celstia, Hank, you didn’t…” dropping his hoof he scanned the room. The open window behind him the only sign of change. “Where’d he go?”