Pinkie, well, there’s a lot I can say about her. There’s a lot anypony can say about her really. But that isn’t what you want is it? You don’t want the Premiere Party Pony of Ponyville, or the other side of her. The one that nopony dares to talk about. The one that they whisper about behind her back, when they don’t think she notices. She does alright, just like she notices everything else, but she doesn’t say anything, not even to her closest friends.
You want something deeper. Something from her past that she has hidden so well. But you don’t know everything, so I’ll give you a warning, since you seem to just want knowledge. The more you descend, the more you’ll hurt her. So you should stop now, before anypony gets hurt.
No? You want to continue anyway? I hope you’ll tread carefully for her sake. And if you do end up hurting her badly, know this. I won’t forgive you. But if this is the path that you insist on taking, then so be it. I’ll tell you if only because I know that she needs a little prodding to heal. Because in some ways, it’s already gone too far.
It’s like this. You know how everypony has the sneaking suspicion that Scootaloo at least part chicken? Well, that suspicion isn’t entirely ungrounded. Ponies can be part chicken, or in some cases, almost full chicken. Then there are the strange cases. Like those movies with the evil scientists doing some genetic experiment. Turns out that Pinkie Pie is actually a chicken that is part pony. But that’s not the best part. Or worst, depending on your perspective.
That bit is that Pinkie is part basilisk. It’s true you know. Her egg had been at one point sat on by cockatrice. The schematics of monster inheritance are somewhat sketchy though. But it’s been confirmed. Just yesterday, under an article by a pony under the initials TS, the inheritance tree was shown, fully drawn. It was quite an interesting article, and wait a minute...
What’s that sheepish grin on your face? Don’t tell me.
It was you that wrote the article wasn’t it. Should’ve known.
Anyway, Pinkie has had a variable hatching phase, and ended up being found by the Pies, who promptly adopted her into the family, the kind gents that they were. Yet Pinkie never fit in, because she couldn’t. She wasn’t even supposed to be pony anyway. It was only because of the influence of the moon rock in the farm and that rainbow that she became so much like a pony. You’ve wondered how her sense works. It’s from the combined senses of earth pony, basilisk, and chicken. Lots and lots of chicken.
It isn’t safe to say anymore here. She’ll know. She always does. We’ve gotta move, before it’s too late. Look, don’t just stand there gawking, it isn’t going to help. Just follow me alright? Everything will be easier that way. After all, I’m the expert on Pinkie, and that’s why you’ve come to me isn’t it. Nowhere is safe, only safer, and that box isn’t helping. I mean, she could pop out at any moment from that thing. I--wait what was that? No you didn’t hear that sound? You serious? Well shit.
Huff, huff. I think we’re in the clear now, for a moment. Listen to me. This last part is important. It is absolutely vital that you don’t tell Pinkie Pie that you know. Don’t let anyone else know. There isn’t a good way to make sure either. A Pinkie Pie promise is out, and there aren’t any other death-binding contracts. What, don’t look at me like that. I’m being serious here! I know it seems random, but it’s Pinkie Pie.
The kicker to it all, is that Pinkie Pie, due to her unique composition, is asexual. You understand the implications of that right? Except, the replications are affected by her randomness as well. And well, most of them fall on the normal curve, with the random taking over on appearance. There has to be a limit to random thought after all. Otherwise the whole universe would fall to Discord.
And yes, she’s split off several eggs already. Where else does all that biomass go to? She literally inhales sugar. It had to go somewhere right? Well it goes to the eggs and powering extraneous magic. Like the Elements of Harmony. That is powered by the sugar. It’s why she hasn’t been reproducing lately, which also explains why she’s been a bit more mellow. Hard to imagine, but so true. You don’t know what life was like in Ponyville before you came and changed everything.
Alright, I know you want to go now. You’ve had enough. You’re tired and hungry. But there’s one last thing I’ve gotta tell you about Pinkie Pie. This here is the real kicker. I know I said kicker about a few sentences ago, but that ain’t the kicker. This, the golden nugget, is the kicker. Before you say there can’t be anything else, I’ll say that it involves you. More precisely to say, it involves Spike. That little purpley dragon of yours? Your best, and faithful assistant. The one that everypony knows has a crush on Rarity.
Well, I did make a Pinkie Pie promise about it. But it’s about you and I think you need to know. It wouldn’t be right otherwise. I’ll risk telling you, just this once. Risking it again would just be asking for trouble. The secret is that Pinkie Pie is Spike’s mother. Or rather, the egg that you hatched, that came from Pinkie Pie. It’s a longer story on how that egg got into Celestia’s hand but...
And Twilight looked down upon the dead colt. Just like that, he had keeled over and died. Looks like he wasn’t lying when he said a Pinkie Pie promise was death-binding. She’d already tested it once, but it looked like Pinkie’s friendship and the nature of the telling was enough to thwart death. She would have to be more careful in the future. Obviously, she hadn’t uncovered the mother load yet though. Some confronting of that elusive form would have to be done. It wasn’t something she was looking forward to, but it had to be done. If not for her, than for Spike. First, preparations had to be made.
She put on her investigative gear, as well as a light protective suit. This was it. Steeling herself and her resolve, she approached Sugarcube Corner. It looked more intimidating than ever before. The towering candy pieces reminded her of how many eggs Pinkie Pie might’ve laid to aid in Discord’s freeing. She suspected that Scootaloo might’ve been one of them, based on the colt’s shifty eyes. Definitely something shady going on there.
Then she was at the door. It was the final stretch. After this, there would be no return. Slowly, she raised her hoof. Then she hesitated. What if Pinkie did get hurt? But she quickly dismissed that thought. This was for Spike, and it wasn’t right that Pinkie kept it from him. So she brung down her hoof, hard, and knocked on the door softly.
The pony that greeted her was Mrs. Cake. It was always Pinkie that greeted her (how Pinkie did that, she would never know). Something was definitely off here.
“Is Pinkie here?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“No,” started Mrs. Cake, but before she could continue, Twilight Sparkle was gone.
Pinkie Pie knew. She had to. That was the only reason she wouldn’t be there, Twilight mused. That meant that there were only a few places left that she might find Pinkie. All of them meant that Pinkie would be with Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow Dash!” yelled Twilight as she dashed around Ponyville and through its outskirts.
Yet nary a response. That was equally strange. Rainbow Dash would never leave her hanging. There would always be some kind of response. Was it some kind of conspiracy? Some closely guarded secret that she and Spike were never to know? It wouldn’t be enough to stop her though. She was Princess Celesitia’s protege, and nothing, not even Pinkie Power would get in her way.
Eventually, after long hours of trekking the vast paths that made Ponyville, including the path the inexplicably ended in a cliff, she saw a trace of rainbow. Only Rainbow Dash could be at the end of a rainbow, so she followed it. Well, more accurately, Twilight Sparkle teleported right to the target location, only to find that the rainbow had moved during her teleport charge time. So she began a wild goose chase.
Eventually, she found an exhausted Rainbow Dash on a cloud.
“I--I give up,” wheezed Rainbow.
“Where’s Pinkie,” growled Twilight.
“I don’t know, I swear,” screamed Rainbow. “No, wait. Stop! I swear I don’t know anything. STOP!”
But it was too late. Twilight closed in, and Rainbow started crying. After Twilight was done, she confirmed that Rainbow had no idea where Pinkie was.
“You know I’m ticklish,” whispered Rainbow Dash, red faced, as Twilight went off to find Pinks.
But as the day passed, Twilight still couldn’t find Pinkie Pie. As the sun began to set, she could see that she wasn’t going to find Pinkie today. Resigned, she decided to go back to rest, so she could focus on finding Pinkie tomorrow. It wasn’t as if Pinkie could hide forever.
As Twilight opened the door, she let out a yawn. Then she looked into the library. All was quiet. Usually Spike would still be awake if she wasn’t there to tell him to go to bed. Unusual. Slowly, she entered, closing the door more slowly. Tiptoeing up the stares, she listened closely. Anything out of place, she had to take note of at once. What if it was a ponynapper?
As she continued to ascend, she began to hear faint whispering. Exactly as she had imagined. Some strange kind of plot was being hatched against her. But this was her territory, and she wasn’t going to go alive. So she teleported right into the room that the whispering was coming from. Whatever it was wasn’t going to get away easy. Twilight still had a couple of tricks up her sleeve. Oh yes.
“... and …” said a voice that sounded oddly familiar. It took Twilight a while to place it.
Pinkie?
“... what?” asked what sounded like Spike.
Twilight couldn’t hear well, so she inched closer to the wall. Apparently she had gotten in a room short. Luckily for her, they hadn’t noticed.
“Spike, I am your mother,” said Pinkie. There was an awkward pause.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” trailed Spike.
“Ah-hah,” yelled Twilight, as she rounded the corner and entered the room. “I knew you two were, wait what?”
More moments of awkward silence passed. The silence swelled like a balloon until Pinkie popped said balloon with a well hidden needle.
“Pinkie’s my mom!” screamed Spike hysterically.
“Conspiracy,” exclaimed Twilight while she angrily evolved into a Rapidash.
“Bawk Bawk Bawk,” squawked Pinkie Pie, who had no idea what was going on. “And that’s how Equestria was made.”
“So, is it really true that you are a chicken?” asked Twilight, somehow calm.
“Eenope,” said the colt, who somehow revived.
“Silly, how could I be a chicken,” said Pinkie Pie. “Flutter is a dragon though. She doesn’t know I know, so please promise not to tell her.”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my--OW,” screamed Twilight as she stuck her hoof into her eye. “Wait... does that mean Spike is Fluttershy’s child?”
“Uh...” started Pinkie Pie, unsure of how to approach the situation. “Spike isn’t a dragon Twilight. He never was.”
“Are you saying...”
Pinkie Pie nodded slowly.
“Then Spike is...”
“Spike’s a basilisk Twilight, just like me.”
Then Pinkie Pie actually stared at Twilight in the eye, setting her contact lenses to obliviate. After that, she stared at Spike. Then she stared at the Big Mac, who laughed, and sloughed off the disguise.
Together, father and daughter, they slithered home.
