In Which Firestorm Acts Like An Idiot...As Usual
The darkening orange sky was sliced by intersecting columns of smoke rising from the collapsed metal structure on the ground. The structure was over two miles wide and circular in shape, like a donut. It also was about five miles tall, if laid upright.
The structure was a city called Skyworld, an experimental work station that had been turned into a weapon of war by the evil steward at the time. Originally intended to be employed as an observatory close to the atmosphere, making it easier for the study of the stars, the pony in charge had chosen to instead secretly turn it into a weapon that could be sent across the entire landscape and decimate it.
It originally rested in the sky in the Badlands south of Equestria, where it was about to be sent forth to cause untold terror to the ponies beneath by raining down fire and death by the catapults that bristled all around the edges of the station like teeth. The ponies could do nothing about it because it was up in the sky, where most ponies could not reach. And if any pegasi came close, they could be promptly blown out of the sky by the catapults, ballista, and archers that had almost unlimited range because of their height.
It was designed to be invincible. And it very nearly was, too. If unleashed upon Equestria, the death toll could have been catastrophic.
But luckily for Equestria, Princess Celestia had received word ahead of time and sent three of her most trusted warriors to deal with the station.
Far away from the wreckage, three stallions stumbled away. They were weakened, they were tired, they were hurt, but they were alive. They were employed as Celestia’s secret strike force, called the Guardians of the Sun.
One of them was a knight in not-so-shiny armor. It was a dull dark grey that was discolored in some places. A thin brown tattered cape dragged behind him on his back, attached to the shoulder pads. Attached to his left arm was an enormous pointed shield, and he had a long broadsword across his back. His visor was split to the sides, revealing his whole face, which was pale blue. His eyes were a deep blue, like the color of fruit juice. The knight indicated the wreckage behind him. "Look at what you did, Storm. Look. The heck. At what. You. Did."
"Well, excuuuuuse me for saving your life," Firestorm retorted irritably. He was a dark orange pegasus with neon yellow eyes and a mane of red and yellow. His tail had the same color scheme, poking out of the back of his outfit. He was in brown and maroon rags that were hoof-stitched himself, and as a result, looked sloppy and unkempt. For his weapons, two twin blades sprouted in an X on his back. "I could have just let you pass by in that engine room without needing my help, but I decided, out of the goodness of my heart, to help you out, Noble."
Firestorm was a peculiar case. He hadn’t really been dropped on his head at birth, but he liked to pretend he had at times. Firestorm had been said that he could be a mix of the element bearers Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, if Pinkie Pie was a guy.
"The only reason I was even there to begin with was because of you, Storm," Noble Blade replied. "You were the one that decided to rush in and assault the main tower."
"The only reason I did that was because our strategy wasn't working well!" Firestorm defended himself. "The catapults were a little trickier to deal with than I thought."
"I told you they were dangerous!" Noble said, adjusting his cape. "You just decided to rush in once the first few were destroyed, didn't you?"
"Look, it was all Freedom Fighter's fault in the first place!" Firestorm cried, pointing at the pony beside him. "If he hadn't been late, none of this would have happened!"
The pony beside him pointed at himself indignantly. He was an earth pony that had every inch of his body covered by a black armored bodysuit. All over the bodysuit were a collection of knives in all shapes and sizes, and on his flanks were two foldable combat batons. He had a short black tail poking out, but apart from that, there was no other identifying feature about him.
Freedom Fighter was a mysterious pony. His background was so shady that nopony apart from the Guardians knew about his origin, or his motivations, or his family. He was, however, also the most deadly of them in warfare, and had so far been unbeaten in single combat.
"You know exactly why he was late," Noble Blade defended the earth pony. "He couldn't help it."
"I'm sorry, Noble, but I just don't like being blamed for an entire event when it wasn't all my fault," Firestorm said in a matter-of-fact tone. "Remember how you tried taking on Gorgorion the instant you landed?"
Noble scratched his bright blue mane, a flush coming to his cheeks. His crotch still ached at that memory. "Now that you mention it..."
Freedom Fighter raised his hoof in agreement. It was physically impossible for him to speak, since he had lost his tongue and badly damaged his vocal cords.
"See?" Firestorm looked first at one pony, then another. "We all messed up, didn't we?"
"You're right." Noble Blade smiled. "But you just embarrassed yourself worse than anyone else."
"Oh please!" Firestorm waved him off. "I can embarrass myself anytime I want! It's what I'm good at! I should have gotten that for my Cutie Mark, instead of that garish X." His voice turned whiny, like a teenager's. "It clashes with my skin toooone!"
"That X means you're good at burning things," Noble Blade reminded him. "Do you want to give up burning things?"
"No no no no no," Firestorm hurriedly rushed, waving his hooves. "I, uh, I'm good with what I have, thanks." He reached into one of his pockets and drew out a small rectangular block of metal and decorative glass. "At least we managed to salvage this from the wreckage."
"Celestia will be happy to see that," Noble agreed. "That's what one of our objectives of the mission was, at least."
They walked for a little bit until they came to a small flat rock, at which point Firestorm sat down and asked, "So what do we tell 'Tia? That we, ah, botched the mission?"
"We didn't botch it," Noble Blade replied. "We just slipped up once or twice. Or six times. You don't have to include that."
Firestorm had gotten out a roll of parchment and had plucked one of his feathers out to use for a quill. Freedom Fighter lowered his arm and had popped open a small portion of a piece of black armor on his arm. Inside was a small amount of ink that Firestorm dove his quill into and begun to write with. After a few lines he looked up. "Should I mention the part where you decided to forgo your destiny as a warrior and instead become a ballerina?"
Noble turned a shade of pink. "You can leave that part out. If you're talking about me being in the engine room..."
"That was exactly what I was thinking of," Firestorm replied, hurriedly scribbling out a line. "Whoops."
After a little bit, the letter was finished, and Firestorm cleared his throat. "Wassup, 'Tia?" he read aloud. "Me and the other Guardians of the Sun just busted up Skyworld. We regret to inform you that we unfortunately were unable to recover much of the wreckage that you asked for. But we did manage to get the file containing Skyworld's blueprints and the outline of the unorthodox technology used to make such a threat possible in the first place. What should we do with it? Yours truly, Firestorm- the fast, the deadly, the super hot, and the totally annoying." There was a pause, and then he rushed, "Oh, and Freedom Fighter and Noble Blade, too." He looked up. "What do you think?"
"That ought to be fine," Noble told him. "Send it."
Firestorm pointed his hoof at the letter and twisted his wrist. A loud whine and a small "click" was heard, and the flamethrower on his arm enveloped the letter. The ashes rose though the air and disappeared.
"I hope your flamethrower was on messenger mode," Noble Blade muttered with a grin. “It would be hilarious if you just set the letter on fire.”
Firestorm "Pshaw"ed. "Come on, Noble! You know me better than that! When have I ever made that mistake?"
"Arimaspi Mountain," Noble Blade reminded him.
Firestorm pouted his lip, just a little. "Okay, that was different."
His flamethrower suddenly gouted a long tongue of fire and a letter came spiraling out and popped open. Firestorm caught the letter in his metal-coated wing.
Freedom Fighter made a side comment with his hooves to Noble Blade.
"Sometimes I don't understand how she manages to reply so fast, either," Noble admitted to Freedom Fighter.
Firestorm broke the wax seal and opened the letter. He cleared his throat a little excessively, then started to read Celestia's response out loud. "First off, Sir Firestorm, when writing letters, please call me Celestia." He looked up somewhat disappointedly. "Shoot." He looked down at the letter again. "And second, you must wipe the records of Skyworld from that file. If allowed to exist, they will fall into the hooves of some malcontent and rebellious pony endeavoring to cause ruin to the peaceful land of Equestria. It is imperative you destroy the records." Upon reading that, Firestorm's face grew a wide, wicked smile.
Freedom Fighter noticed this and motioned for Noble Blade to move backwards, out of the range of Firestorm's armspan.
"Good idea," Noble Blade whispered. He and the other Sun Guardian withdrew a few paces.
"Chill out, guys," Firestorm told them, noticing the wide berth they gave him. "What's the worst thing that can happen around me?"
"Just do what you do best," Noble told him.
"Now, for this operation, it requires a steady hoof and a good eye," he informed them in a scholarly tone. He pulled out a pocketknife and flicked open the can opener, and settled the rectangular metal-and-glass file on the solid rock. He carefully, carefully bent over the file and gently pressed the tip of the can opener to the edge of the file. He twisted the hole in the side of the file with agonizing slowness.
The mute earth pony made a small motion to Noble Blade.
"You'll see," was all Noble said. He then started to read the letter Celestia had sent them, his eyes scanning from side to side.
Firestorm put away his pocketknife and was now steadying the rectangular file ever so carefully. He held the thing so steadily, for the space of five seconds.
Then he suddenly reached where nopony could see, pulled out a hammer from nowhere, and started to whack the file with reckless abandon. His arm was a blur as he whacked the metal file with all of his force, and metal shards flew everywhere.
After about five seconds or so, he threw the hammer itself at the file, reached behind him, and started to windmill his arms at a speed not thought physically possible. With each rotation of his arms, a single egg hurled itself at the file. In the space of three seconds, over a dozen eggs had been splattered against the file of information.
Before Noble Blade or Freedom Fighter could question where he had gotten such objects, Firestorm suddenly started to whirl glass cups at the mess on the rocks. In the space of four seconds over a dozen glasses had shattered on the now-indiscernible mess on the rocks. He continued to give a separate yell for each projectile thrown, but they were so close together he had no time to even really take a breath.
And before Noble Blade could interrupt him, Firestorm reached behind him, pulled a priceless vase out of nowhere, and slammed it on the whole thing with all the force he could muster, giving a massive cry.
He repeated this a second time half a second later with another vase.
And a third time.
And the fourth time, he somehow pulled out an entire disco ball and slammed the ball on the mess that now was filled with broken glass. The disco ball shattered on impact.
He then fired a dozen more eggs at the glass mess at the speed of a snare drummer, punctuating each egg throw with an "AAUH!" or an "EEAA!" or something along those lines. After three seconds of this, he reached behind him, pulled out a television, and chucked that at the whole pile of broken glasses and plates. The pile was now about the size of three full-grown ponies. Firestorm then inexplicably pulled out two more televisions and hurled them on the rocks as well.
He then pulled a watermelon out from behind him, to the amazement of everyone watching, and hurled that on the pile. It burst open, splattering its red insides all over the pile of miscellaneous and random objects that almost certainly would not have been possible to have been there on short notice.
He then pulled a bag of rice out of nowhere and punched the bag, creating a hole in the bag. He dumped the entire bag of rice on the pile of miscellaneous objects on top of the Skyworld file with another incoherent screech.
He repeated this a second time.
And a third time.
And after the third time he reared on his hind legs, pointed his hooves at the pile of junk and twisted his hooves. A faint whine and a small "click" filled the air and a tongue of flame sprouted out of his hooves and enveloped the pile of junk, with Firestorm screaming the whole time.
Then he drew one of the twin blades from off his back and struck the conflagration with his sword about ten times at a respectable fraction of the speed of sound, punctuating each strike with another scream of death. The very rock it was all on crumpled into pebbles under the strikes Firestorm gave it, and the various objects Firestorm had employed all collapsed, still all burning.
And after five seconds of him doing this, he pulled a small cylindrical device out of his ragged uniform and tossed it on the burning heap. A loud explosion rocked the ground all around the three ponies, forcing all three of them to their haunches as the ground in front of Firestorm was consumed by a ball of flame as tall as a Canterlot garden statue.
Firestorm turned around to face the other two Guardians. After three deep breaths he gasped, "So... how's that for effective destruction?"
Noble showed him the letter. "There was a P.S, Storm," Noble told him. He began to read aloud. "However, please try to save the actual file it was on. It could prove useful in keeping secrets of our own. At all costs, please save the hard drive, and remember that that is the only one of its kind in Equestria." Noble looked up, an amused smile on his face.
Firestorm inhaled through his teeth, shock plastered on his face all of a sudden. He slowly, almost mechanically, turned around on one hoof to face his crackling, snapping work.
He stayed like that for a count of five seconds, illuminated by the raging inferno. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.
Then Noble Blade and Freedom Fighter started to clap with extreme insincerity. "Congratulations, Firestorm," Noble Blade said, the sarcasm in his voice heavier than a weighted blanket. "You saved the day again!"
"Oh, shut up," Firestorm snapped irritably, his eyes traveling to the ground.
Author's Note
Okay, so yeah, this was cartoony near the end. But MLP is a cartoon, is it not? Some suspension of disbelief is required.
If you liked this story, be sure to check out A Rather Large Adventure, the main story of the Guardians of the Sun and their involvement with the Mane Six!
