James sighed happily as he and his wife Derpy and daughter Dinky were having some family time by one of the few lakes near Ponyville. So far today was a good old normal day… well as normal as things could get when any of the Slayers had a day off since he still his armor nearby in case he got called in for an emergency. Currently he was dressed in a white short sleeved shirt with black swim trunks and sandals. Next to him Derpy was reading a book and Dinky was taking a small nap after wearing herself out playing in the water. Truly nothing could ruin this picture perfect moment. That was until a loud rumbling could be heard jolting him to his feet and moving for his armor as Derpy quickly put her book away and Dinky jumped to her feet ready to flee if need be. The three of them stared as a large heavy looking grey and blue tank with neon green lights and six treads drove out of the forest knocking down several trees as it did. “Hey Papa? Isn’t that one of the tanks from the Red Velvet?” Dinky asked.
“It’s very similar to them but it’s not one of them.” James replied as he got the last of his armor on thankful for Twilight’s and Discord’s help on a small upgrade to his gear so he can quickly put his armor on or off without compromising the armor itself as the tank stopped in front of them. The hatch opened and a woman in a blue tank-top and blue helmet with orange goggles that completely hid her face popped out. Her hair is light brown almost white and tied into twin pig tails by dark brown ribbons. Looking at James she brought her right hand up in a salute after she removed the helmet holding it under her left arm with the goggles hanging around her neck next to a pair of dog tags so they could see her black eyes which twinkled with something that James couldn’t quite place but whatever it was, it slightly unnerved him.
“Master Sergeant Hammer. Reporting for duty. Sir! Just point the way and my little B.L.C. and I will send any unlucky basterds straight to hell!”
“…B.L.C.? What does that mean? Bacon, lettuce and cucumbers?” Derpy asked although she had a feeling she was going to regret the question.
“Bitches Love Cannons!” Hammer replied her voice full of enthusiasm and a slight hint of sadistic glee as Derpy quickly covered Dinky’s ears with her hoofs before she gently pat the side of her tank.
“For the love of Celestia.” James said as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Please refrain from cursing in front of my daughter, Bama.”
“Apologies Sir! I didn’t know these two were your family.” Hammer said without lowering the salute.
“Bama? I thought her name was Hammer.” Derpy said confused.
“The character I turned into full name is Bama Kowalski and my nickname is ‘The Hammer’, because with B.L.C. all of my foes a little more then a nail, Ma’am. But my name is Victor and before you ask no. It’s not short for Victoria.” Hammer explained.
*sigh* “At ease Hammer.” James said his patients somehow already wearing thin.
“Thank you Sir!” Hammer said placing her helmet at her feet and both her arms behind her back.
“Aren’t you going to come out of your tank?” Dinky asked as she squirmed out of her mother’s grasp.
“No need Miss. I have everything I need in here.” Hammer said.
“I highly doubt that.” Derpy said. “What about a bed or a bathroom? Heck you probably need to come out of there for food.”
“All of that is in here Ma’am. B.L.C. runs with Tardis logic, it’s much bigger on the inside, and the fridge is full so I won't need to leave for a few days.” Hammer said before looking at James. “Permission to speak freely Sir?”
“Granted.” James grunted not looking forward to whatever Hammer was going to say as Derpy moved in case she needed to cover Dinky’s ears again.
“This Q&A is freaking boring! Where’s the enemy? B.L.C. and I want a chance to blow stuff up and show off!” Hammer exclaimed. “Isn’t there anywhere we can go for some excitement?”
“Like bowling?” Dinky suggested.
“That does sound like fun, and it HAS been a few years since I last went bowling…” Hammer said before James noticed that twinkle from earlier return. “BUT that’s not the kind of excitement I was talking about. Where are the enemy’s I can mercilessly and easily mow down? The army’s of baddies who want to take over the world for the dumbest of reasons. That’s the kind of excitement I’m looking for.”
James looked at his wife and daughter. “Why don’t you two head back to town and let the others know what’s going on. I’m going to continue talking with Victor.”
“Please call me Hammer!” Hammer said before muttering. “Who names their daughter that, I mean really.”
“Alright we’ll go let everyone know.” Derpy said before trotting away with Dinky who let out a “Bye Daddy!”
Hammer watched them go before looking at James. “So you married a pegasus huh? Good thing I don’t kink shame.”
James took a deep breath to calm down as he turned back to Hammer. “All right Hammer time for a quick briefing. First this kingdom is called Equestria and it’s ruled by the Alicorns Princess Celestia and her sister Princess Luna. Most of the civs are Unicorns, Pegesai or Earth Ponies. Other sentient races on this planet include Dragons, Minotaurs, Zebras, Gryphons, Diamond Dogs, and Changelings.” As James spoke he held up a hand and a hologram appeared showing what each race looked like appeared slowly rotating. “Currently all races are allied with Equestria except for Diamond Dogs who are neutral.” James continued his lesson about the world and had just finished his explanation about Cutie Marks and had just started telling Hammer about the Slayers when she interrupted him.
“The Slayers? Now that sounds like my kind of fun! Where do I sign up?” Hammer exclaimed rubbing her hands together. “After all, my baby’s getting restless and the sooner we can blow shit up the better.”
(This is going to be a loooong day.) James thought shaking his head. “Look Hammer I appreciate the enthusiasm but if you want to be part of the Slayers and defend this kingdom you need to tone it down a few notches. I mean not much has happened in the past month which requires out attention.”
“Are you kidding me? Talk about boring!” Hammer complained as she slumped onto the tank mumbling under her breath.
James eyebrow twitched as two Earth Pony Mares walked around a small hill as they walked towards the lake and stopped mid-conversation and stared at the tank. One has a blue coat with pink hair while the other has a pink coat and blue hair, both mares have a water lily as a Cutie Mark. The mare with the blue coat’s eyes opened wide as she nervously looked between her companion and the tank as the pink coat stared at the tank with what could only be called a hungry expression in her eyes and an almost manacle grin slowly grew before she broke into a gallop with her companion racing after her while cursing under her breath.
Skidding next to a stop next to James she said. “James please tell me she’s a new member of the Slayers. OH who am I kidding of course she is! I mean with a tank like that why wouldn’t she be?”
“Thanks for the complement, I put a lot of time making B.L.C. as perfect and powerful as I can… well I will considering I arrived in this world two days ago but you get my point. And at least SOMEONE knows quality when they see it.” Hammer said a large grin on her face.
“Hello Lotus, Aloe.” James said addressing the pink coated mare first. “She’s not a member yet but…”
“ARE YOU DAFT MAN?” Lotus exclaimed. “Who wouldn’t want that beautiful beast on their team? I mean Hana’s mecha is cool and all but this. THIS is a work of art!”
“Oh she is sassy as fuck, I like her!” Hammer laughed.
“I’m so sorry about my sister James.” Aloe said. “Every since she got her gaming console and saw a tank for the first time she’s been downright obsessed with them. Heck she even wants to find some way to get model tanks and set them up all over the spa.”
“If you do that I might actually go to a spa for once in my life!” Hammer said looking at Lotus. “James said your name is Lotus right? Call me Hammer.”
“Yes I’m Lotus and this is my sister Aloe. It’s very nice to meet you Hammer.” Lotus said.
“You wanna know something cool about B.L.C.?” Hammer asked.
“OF course I want to know more about your tank, but what does B.L.C. stand for?” Lotus asked.
“Oh please no.” James groaned which made Aloe feel like whatever it stood for she wasn’t going to like it.
“Bitches Love Cannons what else?” Hammer grinned.
“I guess that makes me a bitch because I LOVE what I’m looking at.” Lotus replied as she walked around the tank examining the tank as if trying to memorize every tiny detail as Aloe looked horrified at what her sister just said while James facepalmed.
“Haveta admire someone who knows what they like and aren’t afraid to admit it.” Hammer said. “Now here’s the thing. B.L.C. here is MUCH bigger on the inside, so it’s both my home AND a mobile weapon of destruction.”
Lotus froze before she slowly looked up and stared at Hammer. “….I so want to move in with you right now.”
Hammer wooped with laughter as Aloe just stood there frozen as her brain had to reboot from everything that had happen in the last five minutes. James on the other hand was getting a headache. “Sorry to tell ya it’s basically a small apartment in here so unless you want to share a bed or sleep on the couch then there’s no way you can move in.”
“That’s almost worth it to live in this beauty.” Lotus muttered but Aloe heard and that comment and returned to the land of the living.
“That’s it! I’m putting my hoof down!” Aloe stated. “This tank obsession has to stop before it ruins your life!”
“I’m not obsessed!” Lotus countered unfortunately neither James nor Aloe were paying attention to her.
“Is your situation really that bad?” James asked.
“It feels like it at least.” Aloe stated bitterly. “Whenever she finds a new game with tanks in it or an update comes out for one of her favorites then she will beeline to right after work and spend the rest of the day there and only stopping to get food or sleep.”
“As if I’m the only one who’s that bad.” Lotus spat, which made both Hammer and James wonder how they had gotten sucked into too family argument. “What about you and those horror games? Do you know how many times you kept me up thanks to those? For Luna’s sake Lotus do you remember what happened the last time you played Aliens: Isolation? I was having nightmares for a week thanks to the way those Aliens kills the player!”
“You don’t even know Hammer!” Aloe said. “At least get to know her before living together.”
“I wouldn’t mind getting to know her.” Hammer said shooting a wink at Lotus. “So when and where?”
“Tonight at the spa, seven-thirty. That should give us plenty of time to clean up after the day’s work.” Lotus replied a small blush threatening to spread like wild fire over her face.
“Nice. Then I can show you what a REAL tank’s like.” Hammer said. “After all games are fine but NOTHING beats the real thing.”
“Do you even believe your own hype?” Aloe questioned.
“I AM THE HYPE!” Hammer roared.
“For Celestia’s sake!” James exclaimed his hand one more glued to his face as his headache “It’s like someone threw abridged Vegeta and Alucard in a blender and somehow came out with someone only slightly crazy!”
“You have no idea how many times I’ve heard something like that.” Hammer said casually.
“…I don’t even want to know.” James said before turning to Aloe. “BUT I do know that BOTH of you need to see Alarak about these problems.”
“I already set something up with him. It’s in three days.” Aloe replied her eye slightly twitching after everything that had happened.
“At least you’ve got that covered.” James said before looking at hammer and knowing he was going to regret what he was about to say. “So how about Aloe, Lotus, and I show you around Ponyville Hammer?”
“Sure just remember my motto.” Hammer said.
“What’s that?” Lotus asked.
“Renegade for life.” Hammer smirked.
Author's Note
Sorry James you are the only one from Starcraft so you had to bite the bullet here. Jokes aside I personally feel like I didn't get the right level of 'crazy' that I was aiming for but I couldn't think of any other ways to write this. Ah well despite all the problems this was still fun to write.
Edit: "Only one from Starcraft" 
Sorry for forgetting about you Alarak!
