Chapters Welcome to Equestria Dr. Realis
“Dum dee dum dee dum dee doo, it’s a madman’s life for me and you. Work all day in a lab, just to be called a hermit crab.”
I mixed a few more chemicals into the beaker and watched it change color, “That wasn’t supposed to happen. Hmm, maybe it needs some more of an acid base.”
Right then the doorbell rang and I put down my notes. “Delivery for Dr. Realis!”
I opened the door to see a military kid holding a box, “Here you go.”
I took the box and smiled, “Thanks, now you might want to get about oh I don’t know, fifty miles away from here.”
“Uuuhhh, why?”
"well if you don’t then you just might die in a horrible flaming explosion.”
“So run?”
“Fast, as fast as you can go. I’d say you have about half an hour before the moment of truth arrives.”
“Alright, I’ll be going then.”
“Oh! Wait right here for a moment.”
I rushed back into the lab and grabbed a beaker full of a blue liquid and gave it to the boy, “Drink this, you will go a lot faster. The only side effect is some tingling in the feet that will subside after a few hours.”
“Umm, alright.”
He drank the liquid and started to jitter. After about a second he shot off like a bullet away from the lab. I took the box in and opened it; it was the infinite energy generator I had requested. It was so hard to get electricity out in the Sahara. I looked out the window to the forest, in only two centuries the barren desert turned into a lush jungle. Funny how things turn out. I spent about twenty minutes wiring everything up to the generator before getting up and looking at the now bubbling beaker on the counter. No doubt about it, it was going to explode. I opened my cabinet and popped the top off of the rum, “Well ma, pa, see you soon.”
I took a swig before lighting a cigar and puffing it. I spent the last ten minutes of my life drinking and smoking to my heart’s content. No worrying about liver failure or lung cancer, just enjoying myself. At about two and a half minutes I grabbed by guitar and started playing .
Well I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Well I know what's right
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
No I won't back down
As soon as I took another swig I heard a whoosh and saw a flash of light, time to die. I closed my eyes and smiled, so worth it.
Twilight yawned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she sat up in bed. She walked up to her mirror to begin her morning her morning routine, brush her mane, wake Spike up, make breakfast, wake Spike up again, and begin reading another new book that had arrived from Canterlot a few days ago. She looked through the titles until one caught her eye, ‘a complete guide to humans’. She cracked open the book and read the opening paragraph, ‘Very little is known about humans, they are creatures of myth and legend. In this book we will dive into what is known to be true about humans from their society to their feeding habits. Generous thanks to several ponies that helped with the research including one miss Lyra Heartstrings who gave us a large push in the right direction.
Chapter one: human physiology’
Twilight read the book in a matter of hours and closed it with a solid thump, “that was a good read, I wonder if humans ever did exist. Probably not, they’re just a myth.”
“So was Nightmare Moon.”
Spike was climbing up a ladder with several books in his claw, “I’m just saying, don’t be so quick to say something is impossible.”
Twilight thought for a moment before looking at the clock, “OMIGOSH! I’m going to be late, see you later Spike!”
Twilight ran out the door rushing towards Sugarcube corner. Just as she was about to open the door an explosion came from the direction of sweet apple acres.
“Mah farm!”
Applejack and the other girls poured out of the store and looked at the smoke cloud that was coming from sweet apple acres. They all ran as fast as they could to the farm to find it unscathed. There was however a forest behind it.
“What the hay? How did that get there?”
“I don’t know Applejack, but we should send a letter to the princess.
I opened my eyes to see the beaker that had exploded was gone but everything else was unscathed, like nothing had happened. “Looks like I wasted my scotch for nothing. I might as well get back to work.”
I stood up and started mixing chemicals like any other day. After an hour I had three new concoctions with a new use for each. First was the diamond skin potion, making your skin as hard as diamonds for an hour. Next was the demon claw potion, making your fingernails sharp enough to cut through anything. Finally was the soul search potion, it made the drinker bring up long forgotten memories and made their brains work at twenty percent capacity instead of just ten. I labeled the beakers and put them on the shelf with all of my other original works. I went into the living quarters and opened the fridge to get the sandwich I didn’t finish yesterday. As soon as I sat on the couch there was a knock on the door, “Every time I try to relax someone shows up.”
*knock knock knock*
“Keep your britches on, I’m coming!”
I put the sandwich down and went to open the door. When I opened it I saw six ponies looking up at me. “Hmm, maybe I did die.”
I got down on one knee and started to examine them. I ran my fingers through their hair and checked their teeth making them very uncomfortable, “Hmm, obviously equine in nature but the proportions seem off. The manes are defiantly smoother than most ponies or horses and their teeth are closer to a human than any other animal excluding the canines. Large eyeballs suggest that they have an enlarged olfactory sense possibly to increase chances of spotting predators. Skull size indicates that their brains are smaller than normal, probably not as smart as any human but they do seem to get the concept of knocking.”
“Hey! We aren’t dumb!”
“The blue pegasus seems to be brash and a bit slow, obviously cocky probably due to its pathological need for attention.”
I took some notes and stood up, “Since you can seem to understand me, get lost. I have work to do.”
“How rude!”
I sighed and turned back to the group of ponies, “Fine, what do you all want?”
the lavender unicorn looked up to me, “We want to know why you put this forest here.”
I shrugged, “I didn’t, or I did. I made the explosion that put it here but I didn’t mean to put it here. Science is a fickle bitch.”
“You’re a scientist?”
“And a psychologist and a geologist and a philosopher and everything else. Is that all you need? I would like to finish my dinner and get to sleep.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to interrupt you. But it’s the middle of the day.”
“Maybe for you, but my clock says about one in the morning. You can come in and wait for me but I’ll probably be out for a day or two.”
“Does your species usually sleep for that long?”
“No us humans usually only need eight hours a night but I have a stressful job.”
The blue one rolled her eyes, “Stressful my flank, all you do is mix juice all day by the looks of it.”
“True, but this juice can explode causing me to be incinerated very fast but very painfully. Others can rip a limb right off of me.”
The pegasus shut up and backed up to the pink one that looked ready to explode. “Is she high or something?”
“Pinkie Pie? No she’s just being Pinkie.” Said the purple one.
“Well whatever, come back tomorrow, or don’t, I don’t really care.”
I shut the door and went back to me sammich. When I finished I crawled into my bed and yawned, “Freaky dream.”
I opened my eyes and walked into my bathroom and sighed, “Out of razors. Looks like I’ll have a beard for the next month.”
I rubbed the stubble on my face and shrugged, “Might as well go all out.”
I grabbed a cream colored vial from the rack next to me and put some on my face. A beard sprouted from my face complete with mustache, “Science rules.”
I walked into the lab and began mixing more chemicals out of boredom; I haven’t had any real challenges since they wanted to make a serum for curing a club foot. I stirred until the liquid turned orange and I put it on the scanner, “Alright, so this will give the drinker a small burst of strength and speed. Fifteen minutes, let’s see if we can’t double the length.”
I put the computer on autopilot and went back to the living room. I put in world war 3 in the Xbox and started playing. I started to pilot the hover plane as I heard a knock on the door. I sighed and paused the game before getting up, “Be right there!”
I put on some pants and a lab coat before opening the door, “Fuck, that wasn’t a dream.”
I stared at the six ponies and shook my head, “Alright come in, and don’t touch anything in a beaker or a vial.”
I led them to the couch and sat down, “What do you all want?”
the purple unicorn took a breath, “Well first off let us introduce ourselves. I am Twilight Sparkle and this is Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie.”
“Well then, I am Dr. Jax Realis. Now what exactly is your purpose in coming here?”
“Well after yesterday I sent a letter to Princess Celestia and she wants to meet you. A carriage will be here in an hour.”
I nodded and scratched my beard, “No, if she wants to meet me then she is going to have to come here.”
“b-but she’s so busy! She barely has time to take this conference!”
“And I’m not busy? I don’t care who wants to meet me, I’m not leaving my home.”
“But the princess wants to meet you!”
“I don’t care; I haven’t left this place for fifteen years. And I don’t plan to just because some princess wants to see me.”
“But-”
I held up my hand and sighed, “Listen very carefully Twilight Sparkle, I do not have time to leave this place for more than twenty minutes. If your princess wouldn’t mind everything within a hundred mile radius to be incinerated then by all means force me to go.”
“WHAT!?”
I blinked a couple of times then rolled my eyes, “You didn’t think I had a reason for refusing to go? Are all ponies that stupid?”
they all just stared wide eyed at me until I stood up, “now then, anything else?”
the purple one cleared her throat, “I actually had some questions about humans.”
She followed me into the lab. “Shoot.”
“In the book it says that humans are ape like creatures, hunched and hairy.”
“Those are the Neanderthals, we humans evolved from them.”
“And the social grooming?”
“Apes.”
“Beating your chest as a show of power?”
“Apes.”
“Carrying your young on your back?”
“Apes.”
“Grunting and puffing out your chest in public?”
“Apes. You know, if you bring the book I could just tell you what was wrong with it. It seems that most of it is derived from our ancestors.”
“Lyra will be so disappointed.”
I shrugged and checked the diagnostics on the computer, “Just need some human DNA to finish it off.”
I plucked a hair from my head and dropped it into the liquid making it bubble for a moment before settling. I labeled the vial and put it on a rack with thousands of other vials.
“What do all of these do?”
“Various things, that one makes people run faster. The red one throws people into an unstoppable rage. The turquoise one doubles the size of the drinker’s erection. and the purple one is just grape soda.”
I cleaned up the lab until it was spotless, “Alright, I have about an hour to spare so I’m going to get back to my game.”
She followed me back to the rest of the group that was prodding my controller. I picked it up and turned it back on, as soon as I un-paused I shot a plane down and a mans severed head hit the screen making all the ponies jump back.
“Die you Nazi bastard!”
I shot down three other planes before the level ended and I went on foot.
“What kind of atrocity is this?” Rarity looked horrified.
“World war three, not the worst one ever but it’s in the top three.”
“I’m afraid to ask about the worst.”
“The citizen’s war. Millions of small groups that consisted of 3.8 billion people murdered each-other in cold blood.”
“Why!?”
“Me, they wanted my knowledge so I said that I would only give it to the strongest.”
“But knowledge is meant to be shared with all!”
“Are you a virgin?”
“What!? I hardly see how that is relevant or how it is any of your business.”
“It is knowledge even if it is trivial; by your logic I have a right to know your most horrible dirtiest secrets.”
She seemed to ponder this as I shut off the game and went to the fridge, “Hmm, let’s see what we have. Moose burgers, reindeer dogs, cheese, bear stew, potato salad, leftover chili, half eaten tuna casserole, and some beef with bacon bits.”
I grabbed a reindeer dog and popped in the microwave before putting it in a bun and sitting back on the couch and basically swallowing it, “Oh I’m sorry, did you want any?”
they immediately shook their heads and looked ready to throw up. I shrugged and addressed them, “So I’ve been observing all of you and I think I have a pretty decent profile of you all. Fluttershy, as your name suggests you are very shy and based from your reaction to my food you are an animal lover. Rarity, you’ve been eyeing my clothes this entire time implying that you’re a tailor of some sort and you have a slightly dignified air about you. Applejack, you haven’t spoken once to me telling me that you’re very suspicious of me. Rainbow dash, you are a tomboy but obviously still a female, brash but loyal you have the qualities of a royal British guard. Pinkie Pie, you are holding in some massive stores of energy most likely due to your friends saying that it’s too extreme for my lab. However we aren’t in my lab are we? Now before you let all that out let me finish. Last but not least is Twilight Sparkle, obviously the leader of the group and a neat freak you are a young curious soul. Go ahead Pinkie.”
She took a huge gasp and just bolted off, returning only moments later in a tornado of balloons and streamers, “WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!!!!”
she began playing music and dancing while I sat on my easy boy. “Based on what you’ve said I would think that this world would surprise you.”
I turned to Twilight and smiled, “Well, I admit I thought it was a dream at first. But then again I’ve always been nuts.”
She nodded and looked at pinkie, “She was holding so much in, I’m surprised she didn’t explode.”
I nodded and put up my feet, “She seems to be the anomaly here.”
“The anomaly?”
“The one that defies expectations, and physics.”
“You know about that? Could you explain it?”
“You have a basic knowledge of the laws of the natural world correct? Law of gravity and inertia, things like that?” she nodded.
“Well in every society there is a person called the anomaly, this person defies all laws of physics and does things that are impossible. They are able to do this because of their body’s chemical makeup. They have chemicals in their blood sweat and tears that are unique to them making them a different creature altogether. So to sum up, Pinkie isn’t a pony per-say. She’s just a Pinkie. I use those same chemicals in my research so I can use my skills to do just about anything.”
She nodded with realization as she looked back at Pinkie, “That explains so much.”
I nodded and smiled, “This is nice.”
“What is?”
“I haven’t had a real conversation with someone in years, it’s always some royal or some general saying make this or make that. They don’t care how I do it they just want a mindless slave to make them new toys. Well jokes on them, I’m not there anymore.”
“Why did you do it then?”
“It’s better than just sitting around doing nothing, what do I care if they blow each-other up? Not my problem.”
“What had to happen to make you so uncaring?”
“My parents were decapitated in front of me when I was six.”
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.”
“Meh, I learned something that day that let me live my life in relative contentment. Love is a horrible thing; it only makes you sad in the end. That’s why I had the part of my brain that makes you fall in love destroyed.”
“That’s horrible!”
I shrugged, “It is what it is.” She shook her head and looked at me one more time before walking away.
“So you said you have potions that can do anything right?”
I opened one eye to see Rainbow Dash. “Potions are a rather low class word for them but yes, they can do anything.”
“Can you give me a potion to make me fly faster?”
“Probably, never tried one of my serums on a pony before. Going to need a few hairs from you and to scan your body but I’m fairly confident that I can do it.”
“Scan?”
“It’s basically a picture of your body inside and out from every angle.”
“Every, angle?”
“Eeyup, I could do it by guessing but there is a large chance your wings would explode in that scenario.”
“Oh.”
“In any case it would only be temporary; once the fluids leave your system or dissipate you go back to normal. I have a few permanent ones but those are meant to morph and change the body.”
She nodded and walked over to the snack table. I cracked my neck and shifted to make myself more comfortable.
“About your outfit.”
“Yes?”
“I could make something better if you wish.”
“I dunno, I made all of my clothes myself. Third door on the right down that hall holds all of my clothes; you’re more than welcome to take a look miss Rarity.”
She nodded and trotted down the hall.
“Umm, hello.”
“Hello Fluttershy, what can I do for ya?”
“Well, you said that you’re a doctor and I was wondering if I could bring one of my animal friends by and have you look at her. But if you’re too busy I understand.”
“I’m never too busy for an animal; I still have my first dog.”
“Oh, can I meet it?”
I pointed to a clear jar with a dog brain and eyeballs floating around in it, “Fluttershy, meet Leonardo and vice versa.”
“Oh my…”
“He’s still alive I just haven’t made him a new body yet. He wrecked the last one in the jungle.”
“You can do that?”
“I can do just about anything; I could turn you into an ape. I can turn a flute into a watch and have it sing me the time.”
“That’s amazing if you don’t mind me saying.”
I nodded and shot up, “I’ll be right back.”
I rushed into my study and opened the secret door behind the bookcase leading into the basement. I rushed down and saw the creature trying to break free, I had found it a few weeks ago and had it hooked up to life support while I cut it open and examined it. It’s arm broke free and grabbed my arm before I could knock it out and replace the brace to hold it down. I walked back up with my forearm slowly turning black by the time I got up to the living room it was up to my elbow. I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed the meat cleaver and clenched my teeth. I screamed in pain as I chopped my arm off and threw it into the incinerator. I stumbled into the lab and took the glowing serum off of the wall. I drank it in one gulp before I went back to the living room to the shocked and confused ponies. I sat on the couch and waited for the serum to take effect. Soon enough the pain subsided and a brand new arm shot out of the bloody stump on my shoulder. The arm was covered in blood and a clear slime but I could move it without difficulty so it was good enough, “Sorry about that, it was trying to escape.”
A violent roar sounded from under the building making me smile, “Good boy, keep kicking.”
They all swallowed and started moving uncomfortably towards the door. “If you’re going to go just go, I have no qualms over it.”
As if on cue there was a knock on the door. With my gooey bloody arm and ripped clothes I opened the door to see four golden armored whit pegasi with one unicorn in purple armor.
“Oh what fresh hell are you?”
“Umm, I am Shining Armor captain of the royal guard.”
“Good for you, now leave.”
“Wait, I’m here to escort you the elements of harmony to the palace.”
“And who said I would be going?”
“The princess wants to meet you; nopony says no to the princess, it’s unheard of!”
“Then listen to this: I don’t have time for your princess; if she wants to meet me then she’ll have to come here.”
“But-”
“But nothing, my work is more important than pleasing some pony princess. Now come in and get the elements of whosywhatsit and leave.”
“Elements of harmony, and maybe they’ll be able to talk some respect into you.”
I led him into the living room, “I only respect those who have earned it from me. I believe the party is over girls, captain killjoy is here.”
“Brother!”
Twilight hugged Shining and smiled at him, “This is my brother Dr. Realis, Shining Armor!”
“Yes yes, I am aware of his name and position. He seems to be under the illusion that I care about that princess of yours.”
“But she’s the princess!”
“Listen carefully, this is the last time I will say this to you. I do not care, she could be the god of all creation and she’d still have to come here to meet me. I don’t have the time to go meet her. Even if I worked for two days straight making everything stable I would still have to halt my safety systems which would take at least another day before I could leave. It’s just too much trouble for a simple visit. Not to mention the shadow beast.”
I all but pushed them out of my home and locked the door, ponies are very draining.
Welcome to Equestria Dr. Realis
A week passed before there was another slow knock on the door. “Be right there, Just give me like five minutes!”
I gave the serum one last stir and placed it on the holder before taking off my gloves and goggles. I walked over and opened the door to see Fluttershy with a wheezing wolf, “Alright, let’s get her over to the scanner.”
I picked the wolf up and put her on the platform I used for scanning living things. I turned on the machine and got a scan in a few seconds, “Alright, seems like her heart is only working at 65%. Some dead tissue around the lungs is also making it harder for her to take breaths, must have inhaled something nasty.”
With the scan done I ran some tests with the computer and petted the wolf.
“Thank you, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her and the local vet wouldn’t let her in the building.”
“Any time, now let’s see. I can make this in a few minutes.”
I plucked a hair from the wolf and mixed several chemicals together with it. Soon I had a pink serum ready to go, “Have her drink one teaspoon of this every day until it’s gone. She’ll be good as new.”
I returned to my previous project, “Anything else?”
“Oh umm, Twilight, her family, and Princess Celestia are going to be here in an hour.”
I nodded and finished mixing, “looks like I made this just in time.”
“What is it?”
“I call it god-speed, just in case anything goes wrong.”
“What does it do?”
“Gives me the strength and speed of a demon, I call it god-speed for the irony.”
She nodded and gave some of the serum to the wolf who reacted instantly by getting up on its feet, paws, whatever. I put all my equipment away and sat next to Fluttershy and the wolf. We sat there for a few minutes before the shadow beast roared again, “Man that thing is tough, most anything else would have given up by now.”
“What are you doing to it!?”
“Oh it isn’t in any pain; I just have it tied down to a slab while I experiment on it.”
“That’s horrible!”
“Well I won’t need it for much longer, after I get what I need from it I’ll probably just kill it.”
“You can’t! It hasn’t done anything wrong!”
“Does the mouse do anything wrong when the hawk eats it? This isn’t something I’m doing out of cruelty, just self-preservation. If I let that thing loose then it’ll just hunt me and I don’t want to go head to head with that thing.”
“You could talk to it.”
I scratched my beard and looked at her, “Alright, but you’re coming with me. It is your idea after all.”
She looked surprised but nodded. I lead her to the door of my study, “Now listen, you are never to go in here without me understand?”
she nodded and followed me in, she looked slightly uncomfortable at the animal skins and trophies but walked in anyway. “Close your eyes.”
She did and I pulled the book called ‘secret rooms for dummies’ towards me making the bookshelf slide back and over.
“Alright follow me."
I led her down to the dungeon like room that I had the beast in and woke it up, “Well shadow beast, my friend here wants me to talk to you. Can you speak English?”
its voice was cold and raspy as it glared at me, “Yes, and you will pay for imprisoning me.”
“Yes well, would you accept an apology?”
it blinked at me a couple of times before took a breath and burst out laughing, “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That’s funny human, alright apology accepted.”
I nodded and hit the heal button on the life support closing all the openings I had made and undid the straps holding him. As soon as he was free he grabbed me by the throat and slammed me into the wall. “I was expecting that.”
He was a good two feet taller than me giving me the room I needed to raise my legs and kick him in the gut, “Allow me to introduce myself, I am Dr. Jax Realis, God of science!”
“Jax, I know that name, I am Nightmare.”
In a flash he had armor on with blades on either arm. He rushed forward and slashed furiously at me. I dodged every one like it was dodge ball and snapped one of the blades off, “God-speed my friend.”
I shoved the blade into the gut of his shadowy form making him cough a couple of times and keel over. “Oh stop with the theatrics, I know you aren’t dead.”
He pushed himself up and removed the blade from his stomach, “I'll be back mortal.”
he dissipated into the shadows leaving Fluttershy and I standing there, “Well I got what I needed so no harm done. Come on, I think the group will be getting here soon."
Sure enough after ten minutes there was a knock I opened the door and saw a regal looking alicorn, “Celestia I presume?”
the alicorn nodded and turned back to the group, “You have already met my prize student and the captain of my royal guard. These are their parents, Twilight Velvet and Moonception.”
They two unicorns gaped at me before jumping on me, “We thought we would never see you again!”
even Celestia’s mouth dropped at this spectacle.
“What? I’m pretty sure I would remember meeting a couple of unicorns.”
“Oh Jax sweetie, it’s us, mom and dad!”
enter brain fart, “Who in the what on the where now?”
I had never been so confused in my life; my decapitated parents were a unicorn couple on another cartoony world?
“Ok hold up, assuming all of this is true, why would I care?”
“Because we’re your parents.”
“Your point?”
“Don’t you love us?”
“No, no fault of yours but I had the part of the brain responsible for love destroyed a decade ago.”
“Oh dear, why would you do that honey? You’re going to miss out on so much.”
“Ya, so much pain and annoyance. Love is just another word for delayed pain. The ones you love die, leaving you alone at the age of six with absolutely nothing. No home, no family, no food or water, just nothing.”
“I’m sorry sweetie but we didn’t have a choice.”
“No choice? NO CHOICE!? IT WASN’T A MATTER OF CHOICE! IT WAS A MATTER OF LOGIC! YOU KNEW THERE WAS A MURDERER THERE BUT YOU STILL WENT SAYING THAT IT WOULD BE A FUN BIRTHDAY! JUST A LITTLE TRIP THAT WOULD END WITH BIRTHDAY CAKE!”
I was fuming as I almost threw them off of me, “You may be my parents, but I’m not your son.”
Velvet started crying into Moonception saying that she was a horrible mother while Twilight and Shining did their best to comfort them. “And what do you want from me Celestia?”
venom laced every one of my words. She cleared her throat, “I wanted to make sure that you weren’t a threat to my little ponies, but I see you are going through some family issues right now.”
I sighed and invited the group in, “I’m not sure I would call it family issues, more like repressed memories.”
“Oh? Like what?”
“Watching both of my parents be cut apart piece by piece for one, living at the college of science for five years, and being shoved in this place ever since.”
“Why were you put here?”
“I was too mentally unstable; I could have very easily thrown the world into world war five. Which I did do later on.”
Velvet’s cries were renewed at that point making me groan, “I’ll be right back.”
I came back with a golden liquid, “Drink this.”
She sniffled, “What is it?”
“Just drink it.”
She tenderly took the vial and drank the contents, “Wow, I feel better.”
“I’m not the god of science for nothing Velvet.”
I opened my cabinet and brought out the strong stuff, “So who’s up for getting drunk?”
Note to self, ponies are lightweights. Celestia had managed to keep her footing, hoofing? Either way she was still standing while the rest of them were knocked out on the floor, “So, it seems that you can take a drink.”
“Yesh, I’m very old, I drank a lot when I wush younger. I’m so old, why did I have to get so old!?”
I nodded and stood up, “Time for bed.”
“But I’m not tired!”
“Wait for it.”
“Wut?”
she fell over on the ground passed out as I got them all into the spare rooms, I had to give Celestia my king size and take the couch but my alarm clock would give me all the revenge I needed. I slept rather soundly and woke up to a piercing shriek. Everyone rushed to my room save for me who trudged over in my boxers, “That’s for taking my bed.”
I turned off the alarm and shook my head, hangovers suck. Celestia groaned and rubbed her head, “What happened last night?”
I shrugged and popped my back, “Well from what I understand you all got drunk off your asses and passed out, around three in the morning Twilight stumbled into your room and assuming you make the same noises as humans you both engaged in coitus. After about three hours Twilight left and after that I have no clue.”
Every face in the room was burning red as I put on some pants, “Bazinga.”
I started laughing at them as I put on a lab coat, “You should see the look on your faces! It’s like you just walked in on your parents doing it!”
I left the room and walked into the lab, after about five minutes Twilight rushed in, “That was a joke right!?”
I chuckled before I nodded.
“Why!?”
“I take my entertainment where I can get it, that’s what she gets for taking my bed.”
“What about me!?”
“You chugged my wine.”
I could see her twitching for a moment before slumping onto the ground, “Never, do that, again.”
I shrugged before I walked into the tech lab. I grabbed the controller for the giant hands and set to work, after an hour I had barely made a dent in my project.
“What are you doing?”
I looked over to see Celestia, “Not sure yet, all I know is that it’s going to be powerful.”
“And how do you know that?”
“It’s going to be connected directly to my spirit energy.”
“Spirit energy?”
“Well, in layman’s terms it’s magika. The soul or whatever gives us consciousness. It is responsible for all emotion and feeling.”
“Magic.”
“Not exactly, but I suppose magic is as good an explanation as any.”
I heard her walk away and go through the door; I guess the Sparkle family was staying a while longer. Time had no meaning as I worked on whatever I was working on; it was my passion and my talent. I could work for days and only suppose an hour had passed. Eventually though Twilight came to fetch me, “Umm, my parents want to talk to you.”
“One second, just need to run a quick test. You might want to get behind the blast shield, right over there.”
I pointed to the shield which Twilight quickly got behind. I opened the containment cylinder and stepped inside. I touched the floating material that I had been working on and brought emotion to the surface, just emotion not a specific one but just a feeling. The material flashed crimson blasting me into the wall forty feet away my body covered in burns, “Interesting, still needs some work.”
I mentioned for Twilight to follow me as I closed the cylinder and trudged into the chemical lab, “Let’s see, blemishes, blah, not important, ah! Burns.”
I tenderly drank the purple liquid and felt my burns heal over quickly. I followed Twilight into the living room where they waited. “Son, your mother and I have been thinking, and we want you to come live with us. Give us a chance to make things up to you.”
I looked at them with confusion, “I’m a full grown man, I have a home and a career. Why would I move back in with my parents?”
Moonception cleared his throat, “Well technically you don’t have a career anymore, the equestrian government isn’t paying you for your work.”
“I wasn’t getting paid before; they just gave me anything I wanted. Food, money, women, all my needs were taken care of.”
“Would you at least think about it?”
“No, my work here is too important.”
“What work? Those juice vials?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, “Follow me.”
The followed me into the chem lab and watched in horror as I chopped my arm off yet again with the machete that was in there, “Now watch this.”
I drank the serum and my new arm shot out the bloody stump that was my shoulder, “That was one of the basics, I can literally turn water into wine, walk on water, I can even turn a hunk of coal into pure gold! And this isn’t even scratching the surface; I grew up at the College of science!”
I had never been this angry in my life; they were calling my work worthless! I could feel a blood vessel pop in my eye as I glared at them.
“Y-your eye.”
“What about it?”
“It’s crimson!”
“Point?”
“You broke a blood vessel!”
“I know, I could feel it. And you know what? I can fix it!”
I rushed through my serums and sipped one that said bloodstream mixture. It rushed through my body healing anything that was broken torn or popped. I looked back at them and growled, “If you ever insult my life’s work again then you will see just how ‘worthless’ these ‘juices’ are!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know!”
Velvet started crying again making Twilight and Shining rush in. if ponies could shoot daggers from their eyes I would’ve been impaled with some broadswords as twilight glared at me, “How dare you make my mother cry!”
“News flash kid, she’s my mother as well!”
“Then you should be respectful!” I stood straight up and walked back into my tech lab.
“You can’t just walk away from this!”
“Watch me Sparkle.”
“Get back here and apologize to mother!”
“Why?”
“Because she’s sorry and you should be too!”
“Why?”
“You made your own mother cry!”
“Assuming that I believe she’s my mother.”
“Why wouldn’t you!?”
“Because if she was my mother then she would have acted like it!”
“What are you talking about!?”
“Both of you stop this right now!” Velvet screamed at the top of her lungs.
“That’s what I’m talking about. My mother was a very stern person.”
“Twilight sweetie can you leave us alone?”
Twilight all but ran out of the room as Velvet trotted up to me, “Now listen here young man, you are not a child anymore and I realize that. But that does not give you the right to disrespect me!”
“I respect those who have earned it.”
“I gave birth to you!”
“I am well aware of that, I am twenty six years old woman.”
“How did you become such a narcissist? You were such a sweet boy.”
“How would you react? Six years old and I had to watch my parents scream in agony as they were ripped limb from limb. It may surprise you that I do have emotions and memories! The only people I had ever loved, died in front of my eyes!”
she opened her mouth but no sound came out she sat down before slowly talking, “I’m sorry. I was only thinking about how sad I was losing my son. But you lost both of your parents; I wouldn’t even begin to guess how you coped.”
“Science, I threw myself into it. Something about making something new and amazing let me forget about everything else.”
We sat there in silence for at least an hour before I started laughing. “What’s so funny?”
“You’re my mom right?”
“Yes…”
“That means I have unicorns for a brother and sister!”
I started rolling on my back gasping for air as Velvet started laughing, “I suppose it’s a bit funny. I never thought it would happen at least.”
I finally calmed down and stood up, “Well then, what now?”
“Our offer still stands sweetie.”
I shook my head, “No thanks, I’ve been meaning to ask but what are those tattoos on every horse ass I see?”
“Oh cutie marks, they magically appear when a pony finds their special talent.”
I slowly nodded and went into the living room where everyone was chatting, “Well then, who wants to see my greatest achievement?”
they slowly nodded and followed me outside and around the back. I got to the cellar door and opened it leading them down about a mile underground, I used one of my canines to cut my thumb and placed it on a scanner. It scanned and healed my thumb before opening up to a fortress forty miles in every direction that held thousands of rooms each with a specific purpose. “This is my life’s work, every spare second for fifteen years were spent on making and improving this fortress.”
“This is amazing; it could hold the entire Equestrian army.” Shining was in complete shock.
“Really? Tiny army. Oh watch this, this is good.”
I took a deep breath and yelled a command, “Scourge, come here!”
there was a bang as a perfect robotic copy of me fell from its holdings on the ceiling and landed a few feet away, “Ready to receive orders master.”
I could hear the fans in his body whirring as he stood. “Relax, restrictions lifted. Activate human parameters. Mom, dad, Twilight, Shining, meet my personal bodyguard. Scourge, these creatures are now on family protocol.”
“Ponies?”
“It gets weirder, trust me.”
He just shrugged and looked at them, “Sir, I’m picking up some massive residual energy off of them.”
“That actually explains a lot, this should be interesting. Anyway you are on vacation.” “
Finally!” I smiled and watched him run up out of the fortress, “Anyway I suggest we get out of here before the detox starts.”
“Detox?”
“Yes Twilight, detox. If we’re caught in it you will probably die, so we leave, now.” We quickly got out of there and sat in the yard.
“Remember sitting in the yard and looking the clouds?” Moonception had a smile on as he closed his eyes.
“Vaguely, though I can’t say that I really care anymore.”
“Then how about this, the weather doesn’t act on its own. The pegasi control the weather.”
“Really, I’m going to have to look into that.”
“You’ve changed so much in twenty years.”
“Yes, yes I have. I can’t say I know what to do now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well to be honest I had nothing before, only the illusion that I did. Now, even I’m not sure what is an illusion and what isn’t. What if that explosion just knocked me unconscious and this entire world is just part of my imagination?”
“Well then you have one hell of an imagination son.”
“True story?”
“True story.”
While my parents and Shining had to get back to Canterlot Twilight made sure to visit every other day and sometimes even brought her friends along. “C’mon! Just try it.”
“I’m sorry Applejack but no.”
“Why not!?”
“Because I don’t like apples.”
“Nopony can resist a sweet apple acres apple.”
“Watch me.”
We were in the tech lab and Applejack refused to take no for an answer, “If you just try it then I’m sure you’ll love it!”
“No, I said what I meant and I meant what I said, a human is stubborn 100%”
“Well so am I!”
I sighed and looked at her through my goggles, “Applejack, don’t make me get the hot dogs.”
I could see her turn green at the mention of what she thought was the nastiest thing ever invented, “f-fine, but just think about it won’t ya?”
I turned back to my work and shook my head, “Don’t count on it.”
She left the lab just as I began to run another test, “alright, this probably won’t explode.”
I flipped a switch and watched as the glowing material was shot with a stream of purple energy. Now the blue, green, black, white, and finally red. In a blinding flash a set of clothes floated to the floor in the cylinder. They were completely white save for a pitch black sash, reminded me of Dragon Ball Z clothes that Goku wore in those old games. I jumped up and down like a kid, “YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!!!! I AM AWESOME!!!!”
I was doing a victory dance as Twilight walked in, “What’s got you so happy?”
“I have created clothes made of pure energy!!!”
“And that’s a good thing?”
“I’ll show you!”
I grabbed the clothes and changed while running outside, as soon as I was changed I let the clothes suck my exited energy out of my body and I jumped off of the ground but didn’t come back down, “How do you like them apples!?”
I just kept on moving forward until I had cleared the forest and was rushing towards a little town. It required no physical strength so as long as I had emotions I could keep going. I felt exhilarated as I passed through a cloud catching a hitchhiker by accident, “Well hello, having a good nap?”
“This is a dream?”
“Think about it Dash, do I have wings?”
“Good point, snazzy clothes.”
“Thanks, made them myself.”
"Of course you did, you can do everything.”
“Do I detect some jealousy?”
“You’re all Twilight talks about anymore! Its Jax this and Jax that, never hi Rainbow is that a new saddlebag, or hi rainbow I want to talk to you about your stunts! You’re all she writes to the princess about anymore!”
“Well I’m sorry I’ve enthralled my sister as such but I really don’t have any control over her.”
“Wait, sister!?”
“Ask her later, it’ll be funny watching her ask you how you knew.”
“But this is a dream.”
“You’ll find that dreams are just a reality that hasn’t come to pass.”
“Like joining the Wonderbolts?”
“Yes, I think I can help you with that, they’re a flight group correct?”
“Ya, the best!”
“Well just like anyone else they respond to familiarity, they enjoy seeing things that they enjoy more than once. You can get in by finding what each one enjoys the most.”
“Soarin loves apple pies.”
“Then get access to the best apple pies you can find. No doubt he will associate you with them.”
“Spitfire likes scary movies.”
“Ask Pinkie for cupcakes, she’ll know what it means if you lead with scary movies.”
“Okay? Rapidfire likes drinking.”
“Easy, I can make any type of alcohol.”
“Fleetfoot likes to read comic books.”
"I have all the marvel comics to date.”
“Marvel?”
“Don’t ask don’t tell.”
“Okay then, how about a race?”
“It’s your dream.”
“Readysetgo!”
She blasted off of my back towards a cloud castle making me follow her closely. I rushed up next to her, “It’s good that you have confidence but some humility will do you good.”
Before she could respond I forced her wings closed and shot forward to the castle making it there before she even righted herself, “That was cheating!” “Then how about we set actual rules?” I gave her the most condescending smirk I could. “You had something in mind?”
“Well from what Twilight tells me you can do something called a sonic rainboom.”
“Hecks ya man!”
“Ok, from here to my home. But here’s the catch I’ll give you enough time to do the sonic rainboom but we have to go through the forest around it, not over it.”
“Alright, but no folding my wings shut!”
“Repetition is boring my dear, so are you going to start or what? I’m waiting.”
She flew high up and literally flew as fast as she could, straight down. There was a rainbow explosion and she did a 90 degree turn past me. I used all the emotion I had to even match her speed giving her a generous lead. This was impossible, I had poured my heart and soul into every fiber of this suit, my intelligence was being shot in the heart by a magic pony! Anger, pure unrestrained anger. I felt my blood boil and heard another explosion, only this time it came from me. I felt power radiate from both me and my clothes as we reached the forest heads to head. She weaved and bobbed around the trees while I just went right through them. Smashing through the trees gave me just enough of a lead to win as I felt the last of my emotion drain and I hit the ground, well not so much hit as skipped on the top into a ten foot thick steel wall. Put a dent in it.
“Are you ok!?” Twilight rushed to my side to look me over.
“Note to self, walls hurt.”
I was peeled myself off of the wall and was able to stand up before Dash glomped onto me, “That was so awesome!”
it took me a minute to blink one eye then the other and finally both at the same time, “Thanks, please don’t let me do that again.”
“Are you ok?”
“Dunno, I’m only human. I can get hurt and die.”
“Do you need to sit down?”
it took a moment for me to fall on my rear, “Twilight, get the vial marked for emergencies only.”
“O-okay!” Twilight rushed into the building and came out with a pitch black liquid.
“Thanks. Scourge!”
“Yes master?” he popped out of the forest and jogged up to me.
“I’m taking the emergency serum, be on high alert and don’t let anyone in. shut down everything except the life support.”
“Yes sir.”
I swallowed the sticky liquid and started to spaz out. My body flailed about uncontrollably until I eventually passed out.
Welcome to Equestria Dr. Realis
Before i start i want to thank everyone for favoriting this, it's helped me a lot in continuing this. but without further ado let's jump right back in.
He’s been in there for a month! Why you let us see him!?”
“Master has instructed me to allow nobody to enter.”
“But I’m not somebody, I’m somepony.”
“But, pony, people, orders. ERROR! ERROR! ERROR!”
I heard Scourge lock up and the cogs in his head turn, literally. I sat up on a metal slab and removed all the tubes from my body before redressing myself in my energy clothes and opening the door from the infirmary dramatically, “It’s alive!”
“You’re awake!”
Twilight grabbed my legs and refused to let go, “What happened!?”
“Just some severe brain damage and a month long coma, no biggie.”
“Are you ok?”
“Not really, I feel this weird feeling in my chest. I don’t like it.”
“Are you bleeding!?”
“No, my medical systems are first rate.”
“Are you sure?”
“You doubt my skill?”
“No! I mean I don’t but it never hurts to be careful.”
My eyes narrowed, “This isn’t good.”
“What?”
“I’m going to step outside for a moment."
I got outside and took a deep breath. “What about Scourge?”
“Let him figure it out on his own, he has his own brain and personality.”
“So what are we doing out here?”
“that.” I pointed to the slowly emerging nightmare.
“Hello mortal, are you ready to die?”
“You don’t truly live until you are.”
“Wise final words.”
“I’ll make sure to say them when I finally kick the bucket.”
We stood there staring at each-other until he shot forward with his blades glistening with malice and sunlight. He swiped and sliced at me as I ducked, jumped, and deflected them. I punched back making him skid back. “Impressive mortal, you are the first to be able to hold his own in my presence. Do you hold no fear of death?”
“I learned a long time ago to live every day like it was your last, because it just might be.”
This time I shot forward letting the adrenaline and excitement fill me as I punched and kicked at his shadowy form. All I landed was air until I let my emotions fill my body and burst forward making a sphere of energy around me blasting him back. “I see you have learned some new tricks.”
“More than I need but not as much as I want.”
We blasted towards each other meeting in the middle with punches and slices barely visible to the naked eye. I was fast but he was faster and managed to land a slice across my face. “Big mistake Nightmare.”
“what makes you say that mortal?”
“Because now I’m angry.”
I let the anger fill my body until it had nowhere to go but out, the anger turned into raw energy that surrounded my body with crimson flames. I moved so fast that even I couldn’t see as I shoved my arms in his body through his armor and began smashing him into the ground. “Jax stop it! You won!”
“NO MERCY!!!”
I focused the anger into my hands and blasted the energy outwards ripping Nightmare from the inside out. He fell from my grasp and seemed to regenerate his armor and body, “You have not won mortal, we will meet again.”
He jumped into the tree line with me right behind him, “I’m no idiot Nightmare, you will be destroyed!”
I was blasting trees and shadows as I demolished anything in my way. I roared in anger causing the flames around me to grow until they burned even the dirt into ash that flew away. “JAX, PLEASE STOP!”
I snapped to attention as Twilight tried to get close to the flames. “Stay back!”
too late, her hoof touched a stray flame and she dropped on the ground in pain. She screamed as my flames disappeared from around me and I rushed her into the infirmary, “I’m sorry Twilight! Here bite on this towel.”
She took the towel into her mouth as I doused the flames and gave her a shot to dull the pain. I saw her bite down as I pulled a machete out, “I’m sorry about this.” Her eyes shot wide open as I brought the blade down and took her leg, arm, whatever off. She passed out from the medication I gave her as I hooked her up to some morphine and other tubes. I worked as fast as I could to rectify my mistake but in the end I couldn’t make a serum to regrow a pony limb, their anatomies were just too different for me to make it in time. I sighed as I attached a mechanical arm to her body, or hoof, leg, whatever! It attached to the nerve endings in her body so she could feel and move it just like a real one. She didn’t wake up for several days making her friends come looking for her, “What’s wrong darling? It looks like you haven’t slept in days!”
“I haven’t, or eaten, or gone outside. I have been drinking though, a lot.”
I held up a whiskey bottle and led the group into the infirmary. They all gasped at what they saw in the darkened room, even Pinkie was speechless. I sat on the chair and took another long drink from the bottle, “Maybe I should just kill ALL of my emotions.”
“What happened to her Sugarcube?”
“I happened, she got too close to me and she burned her leg off doing it.”
And another drink down the hatch, and another one gone another one gone another drink down the hatch. I watched as one by one they gathered around Twilight’s bed and stared at her mechanical leg. I left the room and walked into my lab, but didn’t start to work. I just didn’t feel like it. Instead I grabbed a lawn chair and sat outside drinking until I passed out. When I woke up I was in my bed with enough blankets to make a whole new mattress on top of me. I wiggled out of it and walked out to the pantry for another bottle of whiskey, and there was no booze in there. Oh well I still had my study. I took my keys and unlocked the door to stumble inside. I opened the large cabinet with assorted liquor and grabbed the scotch before leaving and locking up again. I was still in some boxers so I just trudged back out to my lawn chair and started drinking.
“Oh, I thought we took away all the alcohol.”
I looked at Fluttershy for a moment then back up to the sky, “You did, I made some more.”
A little white lie but it might keep them from taking it in the future. “Oh, well you shouldn’t be drinking. It’s not good for you.”
“Neither is throwing up a lung but that’s the way I’m heading.” I took another swig.
“Umm, princess Celestia is coming to visit you, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure, whatever.”
“Do you mind if I wait with you?”
“Not in the slightest, want some?”
I held the scotch up to her which she politely refused, “Oh no, I’m a mean drunk.”
“Really now, a mean Fluttershy? Now that’s something I want to see.”
“No thank you.”
“Suit yourself, more booze for me.”
I drained some more of the godly liquid from the glass bottle and smiled, drunk was fun. After an undetermined amount of time a carriage carrying the royal sun princess touched down in front of us, “Well how do ya do Celly? Or do you prefer Tia? Or maybe Cellytia? Sounds like a kid’s name!”
“I prefer Celestia if you don’t mind.”
“Not at all! And you can call me the almighty drunk! Lay your offerings of booze before me!”
“I have brought no gifts, we need to talk.”
“Alright, then talk to the drunk god!”
“Can you be serious here please!?”
I stared at her for a moment before sitting forward, “Don’t ask for something you can’t handle Celestia, I don’t think you are dumb enough to make the same mistake twice.”
“What in Equestria are you talking about now?”
“You really think I landed in a whole new world and didn’t bother to do any research? Scourge has been uploading data onto the computer almost nonstop ever since we got here. I have all the knowledge and memories of every pony from here to Canterlot.”
“now I think that is a little uncalled for.”
“You wanted serious, but beware what you seek. Now why did you come here?”
“I came to check up on Twilight and get your side of the story.”
“Very well, here’s what happened: I fought a demon, however he got away. I got mad, and went berserk trying to find him. Twilight got to close, and burned her arm past any use. I gave her a new arm, and I’ve been drunk ever since.”
“Can you give me more details?”
“Yes.”
“…”
“…”
“Well?”
“I said I could, never said I would.”
“And why would that be?”
I stood up and started walking back into the house. “We aren’t done here.”
“The bachelorette party just before your first marriage.”
She froze and glared at me, “This isn’t over.” I
raised my bottle, “Here’s hoping.” I chugged the last of the bottle.
I only opened the door for the next few days for Fluttershy and a sick animal that would accompany her and every time the animal would turn out to be perfectly fine. “Nope, he’s a perfectly healthy, if not somewhat irritable rabbit. Why didn’t you take him to the vet? I would understand if it was a wolf or a bear, maybe even a falcon or eagle, but a bunny?”
“The vet won’t see Angel; she says that he’s too difficult.”
“Well alright, help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.”
I went back into my study and grabbed another bottle of vodka. “Umm, would you mind coming into town with me?”
“Can I bring my vodka?”
“I would rather you didn’t.”
I shrugged and locked my study before going and putting on the clothes. The horrible pieces of cloth that gave me protection. We walked through the forest for about an hour before the apple farm came into view. “Well howdy! How’d you manage to get him out of his hole Fluttershy?”
“I umm, just asked him to come with me into town.”
“Really? Is that all it took? Twilight has been working her flank off trying to get past his security systems.”
i coughed, “I hate to interrupt but she’s wasting her time. Any foreign life form or energy would be immediately sedated.”
“And how did ya manage that?”
“Unfortunately, I’m smart.”
I started walking away with Fluttershy before anyone could say anything. Before we could get off the farm though we ran into a big red stallion, who was RIPPED. We stared at each other for a small while before he nodded, “Eeyup.”
I nodded right back and walked away with Fluttershy under my arm. “Umm, what was that all about?”
“Men do not need many words to really talk.”
“What did he say?”
“That he’s in the same boat as I am.”
“Oh, what boat?”
“It’s a guy thing.”
“Oh.”
I set her down and took a swig before following her. We got to the edge of town just as I finished the last drop of booze, “Well I’m out of vodka, what say you we make this quick?”
“Oh I’m sorry, this might take a little while.”
“Fluttershy, if you’re doing what I think you’re doing then I know it will fail. Nobody can get into that room without these keys.”
I held up my keys in front of her before putting them in a little pocket on my chest. Her face was hidden underneath her hair, “Oh umm, I’m not up to anything.”
“If you say so, now what do you need me to do?”
“If you would help me with my shopping I would be grateful.”
“Sure, not like I was doing much else.”
We went through the market and before long I was carrying at least seventy pounds of assorted fruits and vegetables, “You carry this every week?”
“Oh I take several trips.”
I shrugged and lugged her groceries to her cottage. After I got unloaded and helped her put everything away I stepped outside and looked into the forest. “That’s the everfree forest.”
“I know.”
I looked into the darkness and saw crimson eyes burning with hate. “Fluttershy, don’t go in there for a while.”
“Ok, why?”
“Nightmare, he’s brooding.”
“Why?”
“I beat him, and he knows I can do it again.”
“Oh you shouldn’t fight him.”
“Well its fight or die, you choose.”
“But can’t you just talk it out?”
“We tried that remember?”
“Oh, could we try it again?”
“Sorry, my kindness has reached its end with him.”
His voice slithered from his throat, “Kindness is a word you do not deserve mortal.”
I threw some fire at him and growled, “Nightmare, I do not fear you. No matter what you will never be able to exact your revenge. I tried to apologize and make amends but I am at the end of that road.”
I turned and left the cottage having Nightmare drill holes in the back of my head. The way back to town wasn’t long but while absorbed in my thoughts I didn’t notice anything until I heard a sneer, “What are you going to do about it blank flank?”
“*sniff* Jus’ leave us alone!”
I saw three fillies crying as two others bullied them. Something snapped in my head, I felt rage like never before. Not the usual burning rage but a cold fury. The aura around me was pitch black as I walked up behind the crying fillies and glared at the two others, “She said to leave them alone, I suggest you do just that before I decide to make you.”
The pink one shook with fear as her voice cracked, “D-do you know who my daddy is?”
“No, do you know who I am?” they shook their heads.
“I’m the creature that doesn’t care who your daddy is. Now, leave.”
The two of them just ran away as fast as their little legs could take them. As soon as they were out of sight I calmed down and walked away. “W-wait!”
I turned around and raised an eyebrow. The yellow earth pony looked up at my eyes, “Thanks for helpin us.”
I nodded at the fillies, “Anytime, I know what it’s like to be the outcast.”
The orange one looked up expectantly, “How?”
“I grew up surrounded by the smartest creatures in my world, they all made fun of me for not being as smart as them. But guess what.”
All three of them asked simultaneously, “What?”
“I’m smarter than all of them put together now.”
Their eyes widened as they looked up to me. “Well, allow me to introduce myself. I am Jax the god of science!” insert dramatic pose.
“I’m Scootaloo!”
“Hi, ah’m Applebloom!”
“Hello, my name is Sweetie Bell.”
“And we are, THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!!!!”
Gah! Ears bleeding and contracting diabeetus! Those three fillies had to be the most adorable things I have ever seen, and I’ve seen a puppy and a kitten wrestle inside a slipper. “Well then, happy to help. Now I’m going to fly home.”
Scootaloo looked behind me, “I don’t see any wings.”
“I don’t need wings, I fly on emotions.”
“That’s impossible.”
I smirked at her and fell back like I was getting into a lazy chair and stopped a foot above the ground, “Nothing is impossible, except if you say it is.”
I stood on the ground and looked at them. Sweetie Bell looked to be deep in thought for a minute, “What about gravity?”
“Pffft, screw gravity.”
I floated up until I was a speck in the sky and shot off towards the farm. I touched down on top of the barn and closed my eyes. I don’t know how long I slept but apparently it was long enough for my sister to start a search party.
“I found him! He’s on top of the barn!”
I groggily opened my eyes to see Dash glaring at me, “Where have you been the past two days!? Twilight’s been worried sick!”
“Sleeping apparently, and why would she be worrying about me now?”
“You’re her brother!”
“Point?”
“The point is that she loves you! Celestia knows why!”
I scratched my beard and sat up, “Love, now that is a word that has lost all meaning to me. So why does my chest hurt when I hear it?”
I stood up and jumped off the roof just to float down gently in the middle of a crowd. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?” Twilight screamed at me.
“Sleeping.”
“FOR TWO DAYS!?”
“It would seem that way, and you don’t have to scream I can hear you just fine.”
“I’m sorry but you scared me half to death!”
“Ok, I don’t see why.”
“Because you’re my brother and I care about you!”
there was a collective gasp. I nodded and scratched my beard, “Well good luck dragging yourself out of that hole. KTHNXBIE!!”
I jumped up and started laughing as I flew away with a golden streak. “Rainbow get him!”
I heard wings flap behind me and twisted to the side just in time to avoid being tackled. “So how goes getting into the Wonderbolts?”
she tried to tackle me again, “Good, Soarin’ already likes me so up next is Spitfire.”
“She’s the scary movie chick right?”
another attempted tackle, “Ya, I got the movie like you said but it doesn’t look very scary.”
“Trust me, I watched it with Pinkie one night and holy crap, you will be scared witless.”
“If you say so.”
We were flying in patterns above ponyville with me smiling and laughing the entire time. “Why are you so happy!?”
“It’s a human thing, once we get over some depression we feel better than ever!”
I twisted around in the air spiraling upwards until I got fifty feet above her. I let myself fall until I was just an inch from the ground and shot forward letting my fingers skim the ground as I weaved through the various ponies. I made a sharp turn into an alley and waited minute Dash to zoom past. I laughed like a madman after walking into her view and let my joy expand beyond my body giving the area around me a soft golden glow, “Life is good Rainbow Dash, why waste it chasing something you can never catch?”
she smirked and rocketed into my gut, it didn’t hurt but it knocked me over, “For the fun of the challenge.”
I smiled and jumped up and over her into the sky, “Then challenge me.”
It took no more than that for us to race back to the farm. She won this time by almost ten seconds but I couldn’t care less as I gingerly touched down next to the barn, “We should do that more often.”
“I’ll hold you to that but now I need to go meet Spitfire.”
“Ok then, have fun.”
She waved goodbye and flew off. It was still only noon so I decided to fly back into town and see what kind of trouble I could get into.
As it turns out, I can touch clouds. Like it was a solid thing instead of just water. That reminds me, I still need to look into how pegasi control weather. Another thing, you know how people say their mattresses are like sleeping on a cloud? Well they ain’t got nothing on an actual cloud! But I digress; I used the cloud as cover as I looked down on what seemed to be a schoolhouse. The bell rang and the students all rushed out, including three familiar faces. I watched them go about six feet before those two brats from earlier stopped them. This was going to be fun. I rolled off the cloud and fell all the way to the ground, actually hitting it making all the fillies scream. Sure it hurt but not as much as it should have, maybe it was the suit? I stayed still until one of them poked me then shot up, “Remember kids, don't poke dead things!!!”
they just stared at me until my smile went from friendly to insane and my eyes shot wide open, “You aren’t being bullies to my friends now are you?”
my eyes were fixed on the pink and grey fillies that had wet themselves. “I-I’m going to get my daddy! You’ll be sorry!”
they ran off yet again and left me with the crowd of colts and fillies staring at me. My smile returned to normal as I looked at them, “Well hello, and goodbye!”
I took off and snuggled into a cloud waiting for the pink filly and her father to return. “It was right here daddy, I promise!”
“I believe you dear, but whatever it was it’s gone now.”
The father was a brown earth pony that looked like a sleazebag, with the greased back hair and cigar. “Yo! Up here!”
I jumped down and stopped just short of the ground before touching it, “What took you so long?”
He eyed me over before clearing his throat, “How much will it take for you to leave my daughter alone?”
I raised an eyebrow, “Excuse me?”
“Money, mares, power, what will it be?”
“Sorry, I’m not for sale.”
“Surely there is something that you wish to buy? Or maybe you need help starting up a business?”
“Nope, I have no need for your money. But now that I have the chance to speak to you I want you to know that your daughter is a bully. She constantly makes fun of three fillies.”
“Really now? That’s my girl!”
my eye twitched before I snapped my fingers and Scourge came running, “Yes master?”
“Drain all the banks of this stallion’s funds and use the money to assist his competitors.”
“Right away.”
He ran off leaving me smirking, “We’ll talk when you two shape up.”
I left them wondering if I could really do that and just walked away. “Lyra, isn’t that a human thing?”
“*GASP* Human please wait!!”
I turned towards the source of the voice being a mint colored unicorn. “Yo, sup?”
“OOOHH, it speaks Equestrian!”
“I am a he and I speak English. Now how can I help you miss?”
“Lyra Heartstrings! I have so many questions!”
“In that case you are limited to one question a day.”
“WHAT!? That’s just cruel!”
“LOL, u mad bro?”
“Yes I’m mad! I’ll die before I get all my questions answered!”
“Then you better get your first one out of the way.”
She rubbed her chin and looked at me, “When did you get here?”
“Umm, about two months ago I think.”
Her eye twitched, “Where do you live?”
I shook my finger, “nuh uh uh, one a day. But if you want to know a bit more then ask my sister.”
“There are more humans!?”
“Nope.”
I ran off having a unicorn chase me and she had the cream earth pony chasing her. I laughed as I took off leaving her yelling more questions. I sat on a cloud looking down at the town for a bit before checking the sun, it was around six. I smiled and started to fly home but ran into an out of it Dash. “Hey, how did you like the movie?”
her head snapped to attention as she rammed into me, “WHAT THE HAY WAS THAT!!!??? I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT AND I WOULD NEVER LET ANYPONY HURT MY FRIENDS!!!”
insert troll-face, “But it got you on Spitfire’s good side didn’t it?”
“Ya but, how did Pinkie even get that movie?” she shuddered.
“It’s Pinkie, don’t ask don’t tell.”
She nodded and shakily flew home. It was a short flight home filled with content, life was getting fun. I got home and walked into a group of ponies. Velvet, Moonception, Celestia, Luna, Twilight, Shining, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie, Rarity, Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie. Twilight cleared her throat, “Jax, this is an intervention.”
“Fuck…”
Welcome to Equestria Dr. Realis
sorry this took a long time but the hospital wouldn't let me use my laptop until just yesterday. Don't ask, and for the love of god never get drunk with anyone from a town as small as north pole.
I ran harder than I had ever run in my life, it helped that I knew the forest like the back of my hand but I couldn’t hide from magic ponies forever. “We need to talk about your problem! You can’t just run away!”
“Watch me Twilight! I’ve been running for far longer than you!”
I had no clue why I was scared, maybe it was all the ponies chasing me, maybe it was the fact they wanted to take my booze, either way I could use this fear. The aura around me turned grey as I blasted upwards out of the forest.
“He’s flying away!”
Gotta go fast, gotta go fast, gotta go faster, faster, fasterfasterfaster! I heard a boom behind me and looked back to see Celestia streak towards me at an amazing rate. Fear and adrenaline, they filled me to the point that I didn’t have rational thought anymore, I just picked up as much speed as I could. I ignored air currents and wind resistance as I just kept going faster until I felt all of it disappear and I shot forward. I would have enjoyed it if I wasn’t being chased by a sun goddess; you get on her bad side and see what happens. We did a dance of sorts in the sky going in every direction until I had enough,
I blasted with a beam of grey energy and watched her fall. I slowed her decent and gently put the unconscious alicorn on the grass. I waited until she groggily woke up in the middle of the night before standing up, “Don’t get up for a while, you need to rest.” She groaned and plopped her head down, “She’s just worried about you, you should really talk to her.”
I smiled and looked up to the moon, “I know, but I suppose I’m just too set in my ways to be a good brother.”
I left her as she passed out again but just before I entered ponyville again I heard whimpering. It was coming from a carriage, “Silence slave! Somepony will hear you!”
that was enough to make me investigate. I peeked into the carriage to see a light blue mare in a hat and cape glaring at a human in a cage, a little girl no less. I can’t say what pushed me over the edge, the fact that the mare struck the little girl for crying, or when she asked for her mother the mare replied, “I’m your mother now slave.”
Either way I ripped the door off and glared at the mare, “Leave her alone you worthless sack of degenerate horse crap.”
The aura around me was black, not just black but so black that light seemed to be sucked into me. I grabbed the mare by the throat and dragged her screaming outside, “Trixie is sorry! Trixie will never do it again!”
“Sorry ‘Trixie’ but for some reason I’m not so inclined to give my slave any mercy.”
“S-slave?”
“You tried to make one of my species your slave, a little girl no less. You’re lucky I don’t just make sure every second for the rest of your life is filled to the brim with agony both physical and mental… But I can give you a third choice.”
“I’ll take it!”
I smiled, “To the moon it is then. Don’t worry; you’ll probably starve to death before you go completely insane. Then again the lack of air will probably be a huge factor.”
“P-please don’t hurt me.”
It took a second of looking at her terrified face before putting her down, “The girl will decide your fate.”
She gulped, never a good sign. I tied her to the wheel before calming sown and poking my head into the room, “Are you ok? I’m here to help you.”
“*sniffle* Is the mean lady gone?”
“It’s ok; she can’t hurt you while I’m here.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
She came out of her hiding place slowly walked up to me and poked my face.
“Don’t worry, I’m 90% human.”
“What’s the other part?”
“Science, it’s a part of who I am. What is a part of you? What do you like doing?”
“I like the mail.”
“Well alright, we’ll see if we can help you with that. But first thing’s first, what do you think we should do with the mean lady?”
“Police, momma said to report bad people to the police.”
I nodded, “How about we do one better? Let’s take her to a princess.”
She nodded eagerly and followed me as I grabbed the mare and made the short trip to Celestia’s now awake but groggy body.
“Yo, Celestia.”
“Yes?”
“Throw this mare in the dungeons.” I tossed Trixie on the ground.
“Why?”
“Kidnapping and child abuse, I would have just thrown her to the moon but the girl said I should just hand the mare over to you.”
“Girl?”
“Ya, I’m going to start on a way to send her back as soon as I get another project done.”
The girl peeked at Celestia from behind my legs and smiled at the alabaster alicorn, “Hi, I’m Sarah.”
Celestia gave a motherly smile to the girl before standing up and speaking to Trixie, “I’ll hear your side of the story when we get to the palace, but I must say that it doesn’t look good Miss Lulamoon.”
“Y-yes your highness.”
I took a breath before smiling, “Well, I’m gonna loot the carriage and head on home.”
With that I left with Sarah following closely, “What does loot mean?”
“I’m going to take the stuff of value from the carriage.”
“Isn’t that stealing?”
“Dunno, but I might get something good out of it.”
“Stealing is wrong!”
“Look, Sarah, I’m not exactly a role model. I come from a land that one wrong move could get you killed. A little thievery isn’t exactly on my list of things to avoid.”
“Momma says stealing is wrong.”
“Then don’t steal, all it comes down to is whether you want to be a good person like your mother, or a broken one like me.”
“I wanna be like momma!”
“Then keep your nose clean, tell the truth and try to make everyone’s life better. Now me, my morals have been ground to dust.”
“Why?”
groan, little kids always ask the hard questions, “I came from a place that having morals got you in trouble.”
“Why?”
“Because people where I’m from aren’t nice.”
“Why?”
“Because my world is a savage and cruel place.”
“Why?”
“Mostly me.”
“Why?”
I furrowed my brow and scratched my chin, “Don’t know, I suppose it’s because I was selfish.”
“Why?”
“They wanted to take away what I had worked all my life to create; they wanted to take away my baby.”
“Why?”
“They feared it, and wanted it for themselves.”
“Why?”
“Let’s put it this way: if I put some ice cream in front of you would you want it?”
“Yes!”
“That’s how the felt about my work, only on a much higher scale.”
“Scale?”
“They were willing to kill millions of innocent people to get to me. They were very bad people.”
“Did you report them to the police?”
“Not exactly.”
“Why not?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
“Why does every adult say that!?”
“Because it’s easier than explaining the complexities of the human mind to a child.”
I sighed as I went through several books on some magic mumbo jumbo, probably what Trixie used to rip Sarah from her home. I took several hats and capes just because along with a broach that had a flawless fusion of diamond and sapphires encrusted around the edges. Once I had looted everything of value I walked out and saw Sarah sleeping on the ground, I had a bad feeling about this kid.
After I had gotten home and put the entire place on lockdown I finally fell asleep, to be woken up after half an hour. “Wake up!” I shot up and commanded, “Protocol 32, laser gun 49-t1si requested!”
a small pistol like devise flew into my hands as I go behind a blast shield that rose from the ground. I looked at the terrified little girl and groaned, “For the love of god kid! I almost took your head off.”
I saw a little yellow stream come from underneath her red dress.
“For the love of, alright calm down. Scourge, take care of the kid while I wake up.”
“Yes sir.”
I headed into the chem lab as Scourge was comforting the child and drank my energy drink. “There, good for the next eighteen hours.”
There was a frantic knock at my door, “Oh bloody hell, what is it now!?”
I opened the door somewhat quickly to find six mares looking up at me, Twilight looking like she had cried all night. “Oh for the love of god, what happened?”
Twilight spoke between sniffles, “Somepony, foal napped, Spike!”
I sighed, “Alright, come on in.”
I got to my computer and looked up all the information I had on Spike. Extremely close to Twilight, pudgy, no more than two feet tall, a dragon, purple, had a thing for Rarity, and his favorite food was opals. I walked into the living room where the rest of the girls were trying to comfort a crying Twilight. “Alright, do you have any clue who or where they are or took him?”
“T-they left a note, they want 300,000 bits for him, and they say they’ll meet us at Sweet Apple Acres in three weeks.”
“Alright, do you have anything that might have his DNA? Some spit or a scale?”
she nodded and brought something that looked like a snake skin out of her saddlebag, “He wanted me to keep his first shed skin, it’s great against the cold.”
I nodded and took the skin before heading up the stairs. When I got to the top floor there were three rooms, I took the one on the right. When I got in there I looked at all my military tracking and tactic books. I went straight to a rather large machine and put the skin in a small container. The machine instantly whirred to life and sucked up the skin, I looked over the stock of my weapons and ammunition for an hour before the machine dinged and popped out a tiny tracker, hand held. I walked downstairs to see Sarah hugging Twilight. “Scourge let’s go, recovery of living being. Make sure you bring all the serums on the list and at least three of the shock guns, one corrosive in case they’re real slime bags. Twilight, we’ll be back with Spike in no more than two days.”
Scourge ran into the chem lab and grabbed all the vials before rushing upstairs. “Now while I’m gone someone will have to look over Sarah, I don’t care who it is just make sure she’s safe and happy. Now if I don’t make it back within the week go outside my house and yell protocol ending at it. If it comes to that I will be either in custody of the enemy or dead. I will come out of here with all my memories up until three days ago. Any questions before I leave?”
Applejack cleared her throat, “Do we need anything before we leave?”
“Oh no, you’re not coming with me.”
“And why is that? Spike is our friend too!”
“For two reasons, one if you get in the way on accident we’ll be too far away from here for me to be able to save your lives. And two, if you come with me by the time we get back you will never let me out of here again.”
“And why would ya say that?”
“Habit.”
Scourge came down carrying a backpack, as we left the building I smirked, “Building, 5 hour lock down.”
I heard a female voice respond, “Yes your awesomeness.”
Science bitches, deal with it. As Scourge and I walked through the forest I began thinking, “How is it that we can walk through fifty miles of forest in only a few minutes?”
“Miss Pinkie says it’s because the readers don’t want to sit through us walking for fifty miles and the writer is too lazy to actually write it.”
“Readers? Writer?”
“It’s Miss Pinkie.”
I nodded, “True, and would you look at that, Sweet Apple Acres. How long did that take us?”
“Five minutes and thirty seven seconds sir.”
“Just doesn’t make sense.”
I looked up to the sky for a moment before looking to the tracker, only 75 more miles to go. I let concern fill me and took off with Scourge keeping up on the ground it didn’t take long to get to a secluded camp and hear voices in the dark, “You think Sparkle will pay up?”
“You bet, the dragon is basically her kid.”
“I can’t wait to get my cut, no more mercenary jobs just the high life from here on out.”
I got out of their earshot and smiled, “I have Spike’s position, make sure not to kill any of them unless they see you. Meet me back here in an hour.”
It took just that long to get through the large camp without being seen, man ponies liked to be thorough. Screw it; I brought these guns for a reason. I saw Scourge slip by with the sleeping Spike and smiled. I stepped into the middle of the camp, “I am here for the baby dragon!”
“Get over here everypony!!!!”
in seconds I was surrounded by ponies. “Good organization, now that you are all here let me explain my plan. I am going to take back the dragon, and then you are going to go west until you either die or fall off the planet.”
“Whatever you are, you must not be very smart. There are dozens of us, and only one of you.” The leader smirked, his orange coat slick with oil.
“That may be true, but you don’t know what I’m capable of. I on the other hand have extensive knowledge on all pony abilities. And guns, I have guns.”
“I don’t know what guns are but you’re going down, ATTACK!!”
all at once I was blasted with energy punched and kicked until I pointed a shock gun towards the ground. I shot and a shockwave erupted out of the gun, onto the ground, and spread around me. The ponies closest got a quick albeit messy death but the ones farther back had the electricity move through their entire bodies before death took them. With the majority of the group dead the remainders fled faster than a bullet from a gun. “Scourge, how many days charge do you have?”
“Five sir.”
I nodded, “Let’s just rest here for tonight.”
“As you wish sir.”
I found a few cots in the tents and lied down on them. I quickly fell asleep but was rudely by a shove on my stomach, “Dude, wake up!”
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, “Can’t I get one good night’s sleep around here!?”
Spike was looking at the dead bodies, “Did you do this?”
I rolled my eyes, “No, the planet came alive and ripped them limb from limb then put them back together again.”
“Sheesh I was just asking.”
“And I was just trying to sleep, you’re lucky you’re Twilight’s kid.”
“She’s not my mom; she’s more like my sister.”
“Look kid, don’t take moms for granted. One day she’ll be gone and then you will realize what she really is. She hatched and raised you, where I come from that’s a mother’s job. Now then, we have a week to kill.”
“A week?”
“Ya, I really don’t have the energy for a tearful reunion right now.”
“Won’t Twilight be worried?”
“Hell, you’re probably right. I don’t want to get my ear chewed off, let’s get going then. It’s a two day walk from here.”
“How do you figure that?”
“it’s 125 miles back to my house.”
“What?!? And you think it’ll only take two days!?”
“Well if you had wings we could fly there, but since we’re earthbound we walk.”
“Then how did you get here in one day?”
“I flew, but I don’t have the energy this early in the morning.”
“I don’t see any wings.”
“It’s too early to explain, just start walking.”
We walked for hours in silence until Spike groaned, “UHG! How much farther!?”
“Scourge?” his head whirred, “Forty hours and thirty six minutes to destination with current speed.”
Spike looked like he was about to cry. “Oh dragon up, it’s just walking.”
“But it’s so boring!!”
“I spent fifteen years locked up mixing chemicals, how much fun did you think I had?”
“But you enjoy it don’t you?”
“Not all the time and it wasn’t so much fun as a way to keep boredom in check.”
“Oh, how much longer?”
“An entire minute less than the last time you asked.”
He just looked at the ground, “Carry me?”
“You have two perfectly good legs, use them.”
“But I’m tired!!!”
“Then keep your yap shut, you’re going to need all the breath you can get.”
“Twilight would never make me walk this far!”
“News flash kid, I’m not Twilight.”
“There’s no way you two are related.”
“Believe that if you want, but my mom has the stretch marks to prove it. Or does she? I dunno anymore.”
“But she’s so nice.”
“Well she didn’t grow up like I did.”
“Her parents are nice, so if they were yours too why aren’t you nice?”
“Because I watched them be murdered.”
“What!?”
“Six years old, watched my parents be ripped apart limb from limb.”
“Dude, that’s sick!!”
“Not as sick as what I did to the guy who did it.”
His eyes shrank as he looked away, “I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know.”
He kept quiet until the moon rose, “I’m tired, can we eat and go to bed?”
I tossed him a gem the size of his head, “eat while you walk.”
He munched on the ruby as he started falling asleep. I rolled my eyes and picked the kid up. He spent the night curled up in my arms mumbling something about Rarity. He woke up around noon the next day with some nasty morning breath, “What time is it?”
“Scourge?”
he looked up at the sun, “the current time is 11:53 am.”
I nodded and let Spike eat some before putting him back down, “Walk.”
Fine, were you walking all night?”
“Yep.”
“Aren’t you tired?”
“Nope.”
“Pulling a big mac?”
“Nope.”
“Is that ponyville in the distance!?”
“Yup.”
“What’s 354+0.987-8857x9983?”
“-84965442.779.”
“What’s as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?”
“It’s shadow.”
“Why are you so smart?”
“Why are you a dragon?”
“I was born this way.”
“There you go.”
“Are you really Twilight’s brother?”
“It would seem so.”
“You don’t seem very excited about getting a family.”
“Truth be told I’m not, none of this seems very real. I can see clearly and feel everything but it feels like I’m just there. No real purpose other than that.”
“Not true, you saved me.”
“Oh please, you are the son of the most powerful unicorn in the world who is personal student of a sun goddess; those guys back there had to be idiots. If Twilight had just kept a rational head then I wouldn’t be here.”
“That’s not very nice; she was just worried about me.”
“Ya, not to mention her new arm is malfunctioning. She’s in pain but won’t admit it.”
“Malfunctioning how?”
“The nerve endings are sending magic and electrical instead of just electric. The result is the rest of her body going into magic overload. If I don’t fix it soon her horn could blow off.”
“What!?”
“Don’t worry, I already have the prototype set up and it’ll be finished within the week.”
“oh, I have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“Why didn’t I just ride on your back while you flew?”
I stopped in my tracks, “Son of a-”
Welcome to Equestria Dr. Realis
i know this isn't what this is for but i just got some news from my doctor, apparently my accident did more damage to my spine than originally thought and they say i'm probably going to die. they have an experimental surgery that has about a 10% chance of success. i don't know what to do, do i just cry over my wasted life or thank god for every moment I've had and have left? i'm sorry to put this here but i'm scared, what do i do?