/x/x/x/

It would be an understatement to say that Twilight woke up with a headache.

To be more accurate, one would have to say that her brain was trying to crawl out through her eyes.

“Aaaaa...” she groaned, unable to move her mouth or tongue partially due to pain and partially to dryness, simply releasing the anguish caused by the immense physical torment afflicting her. The pleasant dreams of sweet biscuits and dusty tomes faded into obscurity as harsh reality struck her skull like a sledgehammer. Or a sack of bricks. Or a sack of sledgehammers.

Twilight tried opening her eyes and was instantly assailed by white daggers applied directly to her eyeballs. The sun was out and it was making damn sure that the temporary pony knew it. As the flare of brightness ceased occupying her every thought, some semblance of coherency put together a few basic acknowledgements about her surroundings.

It was bright. It was cold. It was wet. And it was quiet. Twilight thanked her lucky stars for that last one. Slowly she started moving her limbs, and the pins and needles distracted from the toxic miasma coating her head. Her forelegs were bent upwards towards her shoulders, tightly pressing back. The muscular tightness slowly released, causing lactic acid to flood her body. At least it was a step down from unbearable to merely incapacitating.

She wondered why her rear legs didn't cooperate until she became suddenly aware of the presence of her tail when it pressed against the silk sheets tucked tight between the mattress and baseboard. And then she wondered why it felt so damp.

Finding the source inconsequential, Twilight tried turning her head to the side. It didn't hurt that bad compared to the splitting headache, but she still stopped moving anyways. She groaned again, this time at least able to move her mouth.

“Yeah yeah, I heard you the first time...” Starlight muttered from very close to Twilight’s right. “Man, I am not looking forward to the book club today...”

Warm energy wrapped itself around Twilight’s body as she felt herself rise up in the air, though no part of her body was disturbed. The blankets slipped off and the moisture evaporated instantly.

“Okay, guess we’re moving laundry day forward to today...” a few swishes of energy whizzed past Twilight’s ears as Starlight sighed. “You and Trixie both, huh? Okay, so next mares night out, the pre-bedtime potty breaks are mandatory. Twilight? I’m not sure how much you can understand through what's probably a really bad hangover, but I'm gonna intravenously administer some pain relief elixir. It's, uh, basically just magic, uh, aspirin? I'm carrying you down the stairs and when your headache goes away you're gonna be at the map table. If you can understand any of what I just said, just... groan, I guess?”

Twilight complied.

“Okay good, you're at least fairly lucid. I'm putting it in right now, you'll feel a slight poke in your side. And there we go, see, that wasn't so bad. Watch out, Spike. Morning, everypony!”

Twilight couldn't feel anything but the thousand needles sticking into her brain. Miraculously the pain began to melt away, slowly at first, but gaining traction with each passing second. Within just a few moments, the harsh buzzing in the room melted into audible dialogue. She still had a headache though, but it was manageable.

“...and then he said what sounded like ‘vurdull may wee ick bin’, whatever that means.” Spike’s voice stopped for a moment then started back up again, this time with a mouth full of whatever it is that dragons eat for breakfast. “But before anything could happen, Princess Luna pulled me out of the dream, saying that she could sense dark magic.”

“Sorry to cut you off, Spike,” Sunset said, voice growing closer. “But Twilight and I gotta go to school like ten minutes ago. It was fun hanging out with all of you though. Twi, this is my foreleg.”

“We’re going already?” Twilight slurred, still a little unbalanced. “But I just woke up...” Her eyes refused to open.

“Oh fantastic, you're still drunk. That's great. This is gonna be a fun day to explain to your teachers. You'll be fine but Celestia might actually freaking murder me. Well, whatever, bye everypony!”

A chorus of farewells sounded off, blending together into a cacophony of throbbing pain in Twilight’s head. She managed to give a wave before getting essentially dragged into a hole. The ground gave way below her and she twirled head over limbs, too pained to even react. In a few moments she found herself face-planted on the ground, her human limbs splayed out in every direction.

“Twi, are you...” Sunset was in the middle of saying before she snorted and started laughing. “I gotta say, that's pretty much exactly the position I was in when I first got here. Come on, up and at ‘em. Daylight’s burning!”

Starlight’s medication seemed to be working fully now, as sensations beyond just “ow” returned to Twilight. Namely, Sunset’s hand placed in her own. Her heart skipped a beat before she was pulled up to her feet. Twilight almost fell over the other direction but was thankfully caught in time, and rebalanced. Vision began to refocus as she found Sunset’s hands adjusting her glasses.

“Good thing you changed clothes before crossing over,” Sunset remarked, giving her friend the once-over, resting hands on her hips. “No grass stains, no dirty knees, no... sobriety. Creator, we are so dead. Well, I’m dead. You could murder someone and staff would find a reason to absolve you of blame.”

Twilight blinked and balked at the dark figure hiding in the shadow of the wondercolt statue. There was no escape.

The school bell chose that moment to ring.

“Shit,” Sunset hissed, grabbing Twilight’s hand in her own. “First period starts in five minutes, book it girl!”

Darkness momentarily forgotten, Twilight smiled as she relished the skin contact. Midnight was a later problem. The current problem was keeping her spotless attendance record firmly in place. And also not tripping over her own feet.

/x/x/x/

This is an Author’s Note. There was supposed to be a short scene here between Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. Bloom would indicate that she was glad that Belle was no longer sick and that the two had returned to school. They would have had a short conversation that would have lead to Scootaloo mentioning that Twilight was helping Rarity with something on the computer, which in turn would have lead to a brief reminiscence of the Anon-a-Miss incident. The function of this would be to refresh in the reader’s head the events of the past, as the Anon-a-Miss incident would have chronologically happened three or four years ago. However, when I started writing this story five years ago in 2017 I had not conceived the time dilation effect I trapped myself into when drafting the sequel, The Dragonbourne Supremacy. Time in Equestria passes much faster than time in the human world in accordance to the lore established by the comics and novels, which I have to follow to avoid enormous glaring plot holes in the chronology. Stressing about this lead me to just skip this section for later, and that was in January of 2019. I decided to cut that section, as I had a very bad habit of using excess fluff segments of unimportant side characters to break up the sections of main plot into smaller and more digestible chunks, and because I plan on rewriting this story anyway. I will discuss that in more detail at the end of this chapter.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming:

/x/x/x/

Sunset blinked a few times, still unable to process the slip of paper sitting between her and the one who received it.

“A... warning.”

Twilight’s head was on the lunch table, covered by her fingers gripping tight handfuls of navy blue.

“Hardass gave you... a warning.”

Across the table, Rainbow Dash shook her head before slamming the rest of her chocolate milk. “It was just as unbelievable watching that get written as it is seeing it here. A warning.”

Twilight just groaned.

Fluttershy sat down next to Rainbow across from Twilight, tray of salad in hand. “Hello girls- oh, is everything all right Twilight? Rarity and I tried to welcome you back, but you never showed up.”

“Everything’s fine, save for a couple headaches,” Sunset began. “We’re both a little, well, hungover. And Hardass gave Twilight... a warning.”

“A warning?” She asked, incredulous. “Really?” After a moment of processing she asked another question. “...you two got drunk last night?”

“We... went to a club.” She turned her head slightly. “The other you got drunk too. Apparently she’s best friends with the god of chaos. But yeah. Didn't get enough sleep or drink enough water like I should have. And equine digestive systems are a bit different than ours so it hit me harder than it would have normally. Eugh, god, is this what dying feels like?”

“God of chaos, huh?” Rainbow asked, crunching up her carton before turning to Fluttershy. “Looks like between both of the yous, you have the three coolest friends on either side of the mirror.”

“Oh?” Fluttershy asked.

Rainbow shrugged. “Me, other me, and uh... what’s his name Twi? Is it Loki? Eris? The Witch of Izalith? Or, uh... what is it again... Kono... Kuma... tamagotchi-whatever?”

“Kunino...toko...tachi, I believe,” Sunset chimed. “Although technically that's not a god of chaos, that's the god that formed from chaos. Probably. Big difference. Oh, and, it's none of them, his name is Discord. He has no human-world expy.” She was about to eat a piece of lettuce before freezing upon realizing everyone had eyes on her. “What?”

Twilight was the first to react, snorting in laughter. “Now who's the weeb?”

Sunset responded with a smirk and a light punch to the shoulder. “Shut up, I took one of the eastern mythology electives. Rainbow’s the one who didn't, and she knew a syllable- well, half- without taking the class.”

Every girl’s attention turned to the athlete, whose chewing froze in place as her eyes widened. Quickly Rainbow swallowed, too quickly in fact. She coughed a few times before making her case.

“It's from a video game. The one with the wolf and the paint brush from space. I just know it’s based on Gods and stuff, but whatever, what’s the chaos guy’s name again?”

“Discord,” Sunset answered again. “And actually I'm pretty sure that he's not a god. Our society is monotheistic, and just worships one god: Faust, the Creator. I didn't study much theology though, my background is fully in magic studies. He has the powers of a god though, especially in some comparable faiths from this side of the mirror.” She took another bite. “But that'sh jusht shemanticsh.”

Applejack and Rarity then joined the group, setting their trays next to Fluttershy and Twilight, respectively.

“Oh good,” Rarity said, glancing between Twilight and Sunset. “You two did eventually show up. I was starting to get worried when Fluttershy and I had to leave the portal so we wouldn't be late. Although I must admit you two look, shall I say, all ~partied~ out?” After a moment she glanced around and raised an eyebrow. “Where is Pinkie?”

“Music room,” Rainbow answered. “Vice Principal Luna has her vacuuming all the glitter from last night out of the carpet.”

“Y'all look like you had too much fun last night,” Applejack quipped.

“Way too much alcohol,” Sunset said in a hushed tone. “We had a perfectly reasonable amount of fun. It's just water we didn't really have enough of. Plus there was a, uh... actually, Twilight, are you cool with talking about that thing that happened first thing through?”

“I assume you're asking about my panic attack. In which case yeah, sure.”

“You had a panic attack?” Fluttershy asked, alarmed. “For real?”

“Like a panic panic attack or like an anxiety panic attack?” Rainbow asked.

“There's a difference?” Applejack asked.

“Yes, full panic panic, and yes technically for a few reasons I’m not getting into right now,” Twilight answered. “It was... really intense. I felt like I was dying. But I wasn't. Thankfully.”

“What brought it on?” Fluttershy questioned, reaching a hand over to set it on Twilight’s. “Are you concerned about Midnight coming back?”

Twilight physically recoiled as she said the name, a reaction not lost on everyone at the table.

“No!” She yelped, withdrawing her limbs and turning her body away from the group. “Why would you- no, she's gone, she's been gone. No, it was just magic. The unicorns decontaminated me from dark magic and it scared the shit out of me, there isn't anything more complicated than that going on. I haven't thought of Midnight in... months, or years. Why would you even ask me that?” Her voice had grown more aggressive as she continued, ending ultimately in a bitter accusatory tone. She also found herself fully standing, hands planted firmly onto the table.

After a few moments of heavy breathing as she regained composure, looking over the shocked expressions on her friend's faces (as well as a few confused glances from the random passers-by around them), Twilight shook her head and pressed her hands to her temples before sitting back down.

“I'm... I’m sorry Fluttershy,” she said, softly. “I just don't... I shouldn't have shouted at you. I don't know what came over me, I-”

She was interrupted by Rarity’s hand on her back. She looked up, daring to catch Fluttershy’s eye, and was surprised to see that she was unfazed.

“No, you're right,” she said, lacing her fingers together in her lap. “It was presumptuous of me to question you about the trigger. Clearly it's not a topic you're comfortable with discussing, so I’m sorry that I made you upset. Please forgive me.”

Twilight put her own hands back down onto the table. “I will, I do,” she said, breath finally starting to regulate. “It's fine. I'm not mad. Not at you. I just feel so... weak, and helpless. I've never had a panic attack before, and it's honestly one of the worst experiences I've ever had in my life. Ugh, god, it's so hot in here...”

She tugged her collar out, wiping away a touch of what felt like sweat on her neck, and pushed her sleeves up to her elbows.

“I've just been in such a head fog ever since I woke up,” she continued, pulling her glasses off with one hand and pressing the back of the other against her forehead. “I feel so sluggish and slow, and worst of all stupid. God, just... I went in there unprepared, I wasn't ready for my whole body to be completely different, and I wasn't ready to see a tube of magic shooting into my chest, and I wasn't ready for all of the booze. Their drinks are all so much stronger than anything I've ever been used to. Parts of me still feel drunk, not even just hung over. Yesterday was just so damn overwhelming, and I'm still trying to recover from it.”

She slipped her glasses back on, only to see the horrified expression on Fluttershy’s face as her hands pressed to her mouth, her eyes beginning to tear up. Rainbow and Applejack were also staring at her, faces completely blank.

“What?” She asked, motioning her hands to either side. And when she did, she looked down and finally noticed her negligence.

“Oh, shit,” she muttered and she quickly yanked her sleeves back down and stood up, turning to leave. “I can't believe I just did that, I’m so goddamn stupid-”

Sunset firmly grabbed her hand, holding her in place.

“Girls, will you excuse the two of us for a second?” She asked.

Rarity stood as well. “I'm coming too,” she said.

“Girls it's fine,” Twilight protested. She made no move to break Sunset’s grip, however. “You don't need to make a big deal out of this-”

“Twilight.” Sunset only said her name, silencing her. The look in her eyes was resolute, steadfast in its gaze. No pity was to be found, only a fierce determination and an underlying sadness.

Twilight sighed and slumped her shoulders.

“Alright. Fine. I guess the cat was bound to come out of the bag sooner or later...”

“Come on,” Sunset urged, gently pulling Twilight away. “Let’s go to the little filly’s room.”

They left the cafeteria quickly, sparing only a quick look back as Fluttershy finally broke and burst into tears. Rainbow pulled her into a comforting hug. Applejack just removed her hat and slowly nodded as she stared at the wall.

As they walked through the hallway they could see off in the distance that Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were eating their lunch together. However the older trio spared no time before walking into the bathroom, same as yesterday. A yesterday that felt like literal years ago, now.

When they were finally fully inside, Sunset let go of Twilight’s hand. Rarity checked underneath all of the stall doors before nodding to Sunset and standing by the main door.

“Twilight,” Sunset began, crossing her arms. “How long have you been cutting for?”

“It's not a big deal-”

Sunset pulled up her own sleeves, took Twilight’s hand again, and pressed her fingers to her wrist.

“Feel,” Sunset commanded.

Twilight did as she was told, not understanding why. But as gentle patterned bumps told a story, and she noticed silvery threads of old scar tissue crossing parallel over the veins and arteries, she felt her pulse drop.

“You...?”

“A long time ago,” Sunset began. “Back before we ever even met you, there was... an incident named Anon a Miss. A blog on MyStable pretended to be me. It was stealing secrets from all of our friends and making me out to still be a backstabbing bitch even after Princess Twilight reformed me, showed me the magic of friendship. Started simply enough; an embarrassing nickname for Applejack, some embarrassing photos of us in silly costumes, it was all just fun and games at the start by comparison to later on. It got worse... It got so much worse. Rainbow Dash’s all-Ds progress report got leaked, lewd photos of Rarity circulated the school, the, uh, genital size of certain ex-boyfriends of mine got out, and they even outed Rainbow before she was ready to come out herself. And everyone in this school thought it was me. In reality it was the CMC. At first Applebloom and Sweetie Belle did it because they were jealous that their sisters were spending Hearth’s Warming with me and not them, and just wanted AJ and Rarity to stop being friends with me, but Scootaloo had a personal vendetta against me because... well, long story short but she blamed me for her mom’s death.”

“Scootaloo hurt Rainbow Dash and Rarity to get to you?” Twilight asked, confused. “Why did she-”

“That's not important right now, so please let me finish. It worked. I was alone. All of my friends hated me, and I was depressed. I was suicidal. I was running out of reasons to live. The only things that made me even feel anything were chocolate ice cream, masturbation, self inflicted frostbite, and... cutting. My arms were destroyed, Twilight. What you're feeling here, now, is a patchwork of wreckage. Mistakes that I made. Scars that didn't heal fully. They probably never will. My skin was permanently marked. Eventually the truth came out and it all worked out in the end, but I still wore gauze wraps up my arms all winter and spring afterwards, and the memories never went away. Even now, on some nights I still have nightmares. Still, I often wake up in a cold sweat afraid that everything since then was all a dream and they really do still hate me. So believe me when I say that I know exactly what it feels like to have the urge to hurt yourself. I understand you completely.”

Twilight stood in silence, fingers tracing the scar tissue, silently absorbing the words.

Rarity came over and hugged Sunset from the side.

“Those were dark times for all of us... I'm so sorry Sunset.”

“I already forgave you for everything, Rarity. You don't have to apologize anymore.”

“I know, but... oh, I was so dreadfully naive. I really should have trusted you more than I did. Anyone who knew the things I did must surely have hated the me who did that as much as I do now.”

“Given the circumstances, I feel like you should give yourself a little more leniency.”

“I hate to interrupt,” Twilight said, not making eye contact. “And I genuinely appreciate that you trust me enough to talk about this. But what exactly does this story have to do with me?”

“W-What are you talking about?” Sunset asked, flabbergasted. “It has everything to do with you. Your wrists are a fucking war zone!” She turned Twilight’s arms over. “Look at this! How long were you planning on hiding this from everyone? How long has this been going on? How long were you going to suffer in silence for!?”

“I haven't cut deep enough anywhere where there was a major vein or artery,” she defended, feebly attempting to pull her arms away. “So I'm in no physical danger-”

“Carotid,” Sunset interrupted, placing a finger on Twilight’s throat. “Jugular.”

“Okay, that one was an accident!” She defended, taking a step back and escaping Sunset’s grip. “I slipped and nicked myself with a pizza cutter. It's why I put foundation over it, because I knew you would overreact when-”

“Overreact!?” Sunset cried. “You could fucking die! Like I almost did! One of us, or Creator forbid, your parents or brother walk into your room and find you dead in a pool of your own blood!”

“May I interject?” Rarity asked. “Sunset, you really need to cool down.”

Sunset paused before taking a step back, read the situation, then pinched the bridge of her nose. “Okay,” she said, walking over to the sinks. “Just... okay.” She splashed some cold water on her face.

“Twilight,” Rarity said, drawing her attention. “Do you remember when we had our heart to heart before we got to work on the website?”

“...yeah. I do.”

“I had a bit of a sneaking suspicion that you were self harming at the time. You refusing to take off your sweater despite complaining about the heat, the way you keep your sleeves gripped in your fist, your body language itself. Scootaloo briefly went through a phase where they were self harming as well. I can see the signs. I didn't press the matter then because, as I said, if it were serious then you would tell us that something was happening. I certainly didn't want to pressure you, as that would have had adverse effects. But I thought that it was maybe one or two cuts, nothing like what I see here...” her delicately manicured fingernails deftly trace the thin outlines of darkened crimson scabs. “Now I see that I may have been correct, that if you truly thought it was serious, then you would bring it up. And the reason why you haven't said anything to us is because you don't think it's serious. That's what you'd like to say, isn't it?”

Twilight slowly nodded.

“However,” Rarity segued, turning her head to the other side. “May I postulate that this has nothing to do with your perception of the severity of your mental illness at all? This one looks particularly fresh, like it happened very recently. Forgive me if I am stepping out of my lane, but are these...” she sighed, before whispering. “Is this punishment for your sapphic proclivities?”

Twilight froze.

“One, two, three...” Rarity continued to count up both arms, before reaching the final one. “Hmm. I can't say I know your entire schedule for the last few weeks, but would it be wrong to suppose that every single one of these is directly linked to a point in time where you were in a situation where your attraction to your friends came to light? And your guilt drove you to do something about it? And you haven't told any of us because we would come to that conclusion?”

Twilight ripped her arm away and took several steps away, standing in one corner of the room.

“Twilight, that day was full of my carelessness leading to your discomfort. And that scab looks to be nearly two days old. I want you to be honest with me. Do you cut yourself to atone for the lust you perceive yourself as morally reprehensible for possessing?”

Midnight stood just behind Rarity, towering over her. Her mouth grinned widely, holding far too many teeth which were all far too sharp.

“...yes,” Twilight finally admitted. “I just. I can't stop feeling like shit all the time. Like I deserve to have something bad happen to me because I sexually objectify my friends. And, I know, that that's not what’s happening. I know everything you said is true, that I’ve never made you or any of the girls feel bad if my eyes wander, never been creepy, never hurt any of you. But it's like my hands have minds of their own, separate from my logical and rational mind. I don't want to do it, I don't want to hurt myself, I don't do it because I want to feel the pain or anything like that,” her voice began to speed up, and her body started shaking, “Because I don't. I hate it! It fucking hurts! But I can't stop, I can't stop it. I can't stop doing it. I want to stop, I want so badly to stop, but I can't, I can't do it!”

“Twilight, breathe.” Rarity took Twilight’s hands in her own. “In two three four, out two three four. Can you do that?”

It took a minute as she wrested the shudders now racking her body, but eventually she fell under control and followed the breathing exercise. In two three four, out two three four. A minute passed by as she did so, until she finally fell into a state of relative calm. At least she appeared to be so on the outside, as adrenaline still coursed through her veins, spurned on by being caught red handed- or red wristed- by the subject matter at hand, and the chelsea grin of the phantom. Midnight didn't say anything, she didn't even move. She just watched.

“Twilight,” Sunset said, finally stepping back over. “I'm not here to judge you. I'm not here to yell at you, or guilt you, or even admonish you. I'm here to help you. You believe me, right?”

She nodded, but couldn't make eye contact.

“Good. I admit I did get heated, but please know that it's because I care about you. I don't want you to hurt. But I cannot help you if you don't tell me that something is wrong. None of us can. We’re not mind readers. I mean,” she pulled her geode necklace out of her shirt. “I am, technically, but I can't- no, I WON’T do it without consent. Last time I did, well, you were both there, I pulled directions to Rainbow’s house from Fluttershy. But that was an emergency so it doesn't count. Point is, none of us can do anything to help if we don't know that there's anything to help you with.”

“What is there to help...?” she mumbled. “None of you are doctors.”

“I don't mean to help you stop cutting,” Sunset put her hands on Twilight’s shoulders. “Only you can take the initiative to do that, with licensed medical professionals, psychiatry, hell, even hypnotism if you think it'll work. I mean to help you emotionally make it through another day. To help you feel loved and cared for even if it feels like the world around you is dying. To help you be in a good mental place while you seek answers for yourself.”

“I'm not depressed,” Twilight snapped, before wincing, looking down, and returning to a more neutral tone. “I don't want to die. I don't think the world is useless and life is pointless and all of that melodramatic nonsense. I don't feel any of those emotions. It's just guilt from what I guess is maybe just some internalized homophobia, helplessness at the fact that I have impulses I can't control, and a general sense of... I don't know, detachment. I don't have anything wrong with my psychological profile. I'm sane, I’m healthy, I don't need to be coddled. I don't need help in the way you think I do, okay, I’m not constantly bursting out in tears because I'm so goddamn sad. I’m not sad at all!”

“That's not-” Sunset pressed a palm to her forehead. “Depression isn't just sadness. It's a lot of different things caused by a lack of serotonin and dopamine and other chemicals in the brain. You said that you're feeling detached, and that is a symptom of depression!”

“It. Is not. Depression,” Twilight mandated, teeth and fists clenched. “It's not a chemical issue in my brain, it's entirely a physiological phenomenon.”

“How can you really say that, when you've been in a mental and emotional rut since summer! Wait...” Sunset took a step back. “Summer... Is that when you started this?”

“What are you talking about, since summer?” Twilight asked, taking another step back and cradling her arms to her chest. “That was several months ago!”

“You've been shutting everyone out since the summer, specifically since that day we all tried on swimsuits. You ran off, Rainbow had to practically drag you back, and then you just... shut down.” Sunset sighed and leaned back against the sinks. “You didn't come out in the water with the rest of us, you didn't sit at the bonfire and roast marshmallows with us, you didn't do anything all weekend! You just popped a dozen antihistamines to fall asleep before the sun set. You sat in your room all day, drugged out and antisocial. That's not the Twilight we knew from the Friendship Games, not the Twilight we all know and love. Something has been wrong with you. And I just chalked it up to, you know, stress from school and residual dark magic and seeing all of us in bikinis being just too much for your horny brain to handle, but you never stopped. You don't even hang out with any of us anymore, unless we ask a favor from you. Ever since that beach house trip. Not until last night. And speaking of last night, there's something else going on you haven't mentioned, because you clearly shut your eyes and you were crying before you ever even saw the magic, so that's a lie too!”

“Sunset,” Rarity interrupted, stepping between the two. “You're getting combative again. If you keep this up, then you are leaving.”

“I'm not trying to be combative,” she said in defense. “I'm just saying that something is wrong, and she's not even fucking acknowledging it!”

“It is not your place to force her to acknowledge anything!” She defended, adopting a wide stance and pointing her finger. “You are not her senior. You are not her mother. And you are definitely not her keeper. You have no authority over her whatsoever. I know you mean well but this is not accomplishing anything! You're clearly letting your own history of trauma cloud your judgment. I know that what happened to you was terrible, and every day since I found out who truly violated my trust, I have regretted every single nasty word I ever said to you, and I can never take back any of them. But here, now, I know that we both can agree that Twilight is our priority here-”

“This is exactly fucking why I hid this,” Twilight growled, crossing her arms. “I knew you were all going to freak out and start fighting. None of this is going to do anything other than make everyone miserable, and make me feel like a burden. I. Am. Fine. I'm not in perfect condition, I’m in a rut as you say, but I will power through this alone like I've powered through everything else in my life.”

“We’re not... fighting,” Rarity sighed, defeated. “I see where you're coming from, Twilight. But we’re worried about you. It's not exactly like you to slice your arms open, and surely there is some sort of correlation between the cutting and the events at the mall preceding the beach house, the last time I saw you wear short sleeves. And can you really blame us for worrying? Fluttershy will no doubt be crying profusely even now when we go back. She may even have to go home early. And that isn't your fault, but think about it. Truly think about it. Imagine if I suddenly showed up to school with tally marks carved in my arms. Or Rainbow Dash, or Applejack. You would be concerned as well.”

“Maybe so, but I...” Twilight rubbed her eyes underneath her glasses. “Look, we’ve already figured out what's going on. You girls are all so free with your bodies and affection and all that stuff and that's fine, but it's like... it's like you don't take into account my feelings on the matter and how seeing you girls in skimpy clothes or whatever makes me feel.”

“I only just found that out now,” Sunset quipped. “So how could I take it into account? You never said anything about it before. What, do my crop tops send you in a tizzy? Rainbow’s ass in gym shorts, Rarity’s skirts and thigh highs, Pinkie’s tits in low cut shirts?”

“Sunset-” Rarith attempted to interrupt, before she herself was interrupted.

“Yes!” Twilight cried, exasperated. “All the time! Have you seen yourselves? You're fucking hot! You're fine to wear whatever you want but it's like, and note I said it's like, not that it is, but it feels to me, in my head, personally, you wear things that accentuate your assets on purpose to make not just me but other people take notice.”

“I'm a horse, Twilight. I would go naked if society said it was acceptable to. But they don't, so that's why I wear at the very least shorts and a bralette. And, I get that you have your issues when it comes to that, but honestly that's your cross to bear. We’re all here to help, support, listen, all that jazz, but we can't help that you wanna fuck us. We can't help that you feel like a bad person because of it. We can tell you that it's fine, that you're not a bad person, but what we can't do is just not ever wear clothes that make you uncomfortable.”

“I never asked for that-”

“Then what the hell do you want us to do?” She interrogated. “From what I can tell, you're offering problems but no solution. You're smart, you're smarter than all of us, maybe even put together, surely you can figure out a plan of action!”

“Sunset, that is enough!” Rarity finally shouted. “Three times now! Three times you have escalated this situation. This is exactly why I came with you because I knew that you would let your paranoia about the blog interfere with your impartiality here. So please, just go back to the cafeteria, okay? Twilight and I will finish this conversation alone.”

“But I-”

“You are hungover, and it is making you act like- and I say this as your friend who loves you- like a real bitch. Twilight doesn't deserve that treatment, especially least of all right now! We can continue this conversation later but right now it is not going to go anywhere. Both of you are not in the best state of mind, and both of you are only going to make things worse if you continue to bicker. So please, go and comfort Fluttershy and tell her that everything will be fine, while I stay here and make sure that Twilight is all right. Okay?”

Sunset closed her eyes and took a deep breath before letting it all out.

“You're right,” she ceded, putting her arms out. “I’m hungover. I'm emotionally compromised. I’m being a bitch. You're right. Look, Twilight, I-”

“I said-”

“Let me apologize. Please.”

Rarity took a deep breath, crossed her arms, and stepped to the side.

“Twilight,” Sunset began. “I’m sorry. I am letting my own history with cutting get in the way of logic and reason, and you don't deserve that. After all that we’ve been through together, I owe you a lot more than incoherent post-drunken ramblings. I hope that you can forgive me for being unreasonable right now, and I hope we can have a better and more honest heart to heart later on when we don't both have horrible headaches, okay?”

“I’m sorry too,” Twilight responded, looking the other way. “I don't take it personally. I'm also in a not so great place myself. Taking a breather apart is probably for the best. No hard feelings, but we definitely just need to not be in the same room for a bit. Maybe by psych we can have a regular conversation without it turning into a screaming match?”

“Yeah... sounds good...” Sunset strolled over to the exit, before turning back around. “Rarity, thank you for mediating. I'll go check on Fluttershy.”

And with that, she turned and left, leaving behind the pair.

“How are you feeling?” Rarity asked, not sparing a moment.

“I'm... fine, I guess,” Twilight answered, not paying her much direct attention. She was focused instead on the mirror, where she saw something that piqued her interest. It would be more accurate to say, she didn't see something. Midnight cast no reflection in the mirror.

“You do understand Sunset’s position, as I do, right?”

“Yeah...” Twilight returned her attention to her friend. “Yes. Of course I do. It's just... hard to hear. Especially from someone I love.”

Rarity took Twilight’s hands in her own. “You really do care about Sunset, don't you?”

“Of course I do. She's like my best friend. You're all my best friends, of course, but she's just... special. To me. In a way that nobody else could be. In a way that none of the rest of you could understand. A way I hope you never do.”

“I understand. And I of course only take the slightest bit of offense that your best best friend isn't moi~”

“Well don't worry, you're definitely the silver medal.”

“I can't ask for better than that, I suppose, given the proverbial competition... although, I do have a. Somewhat relevant question.”

“Shoot.”

“Are you... in love with her?”

Twilight had no answer to offer. Not that she didn't know the answer, as she definitely did. But she just didn't want to say it out loud.

“Your silence speaks volumes, darling.”

“Am I that obvious?”

“I am no stranger to crushes and the like. And of course your secret is safe with me. But, ehm...” she leaned in close and whispered. “On a related note, I checked my computer’s search history.”

Twilight’s blood turned to ice as she regretted teaching her how to do that. “And?”

“I couldn't help but notice that, at the same time I left the room, someone had clicked on a certain aesthetics blog I run.”

“I'm so sorry, Rarity, I-”

“I'm not mad. If anything, I should be the one to apologize. You see, that blog... it exists as a sort of source of inspiration for me. I have a side hobby in erotic photography- not of myself, not anymore- but that of other people. Fashion is my calling, of course, but I do enjoy and appreciate the art of the photo. There are a lot of references in outfits and poses and lighting and such on that blog. And, ah. Something else that I genuinely hope remains a secret, so as to protect the identity of the model. You see... I have taken photos of certain people who both of us may or may not know, and posted them on that blog. I need to know, for her sake, if you happened to recognize any of those girls.”

“Wait...” Twilight fought to keep her heartbeat under control. “If you know that I found your art blog of sexy girls, then... you know that I didn't cut myself because of you specifically?”

“Oh, I only said that it was because of me in order to keep the fact that I have such a blog a secret. I knew you already knew, but I was hoping to keep Sunset out of the loop. Discretion is the better part of valor after all. However, the point still stands; it just wasn't me.”

“Right... well, I, uh. I recognized the lingerie one, because it's the one you were looking at in your car, the one you were thinking about buying for yourself. But, um... I don't really think I recognized anyone. Who, eh, who was it? Maybe if you say her name I’d remember.”

“If you can't recall, then it's most likely a no,” Rarity said, breathing a sigh of relief. “I of course shan't divulge the identity of the person in question, to protect them of course. Not that I don't trust you implicitly, but it's merely a matter of principle. If Sapphire Shores herself asked me in return for a lifelong career, I would still say no. I would most definitely hesitate, but ultimately would say no anyway.”

“Right, right, I understand,” Twilight murmured, fighting the urge to tug at her collar. “But no, I don't think I recognized anyone. I didn't really scroll that far down, I stopped at, eh, two girls who were...”

“Ah, that one,” Rarity nodded, sagely. “Okay, good, all is well. You didn't see anything you shouldn't have. Well, other than all of the everything else, of course. It doesn't matter now, I’ve deleted them already- her request. Er, their.”

“I assume you're trying to keep the pronoun neutral to keep the gender a mystery and you're not hosting child porn of Scootaloo, of course.”

“Right on the money, you are. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. The point is, that even though the blog exists for nonsexual purposes for myself, you are definitely welcome to peruse it in case you feel the urge to, shall we say...”

“You don't have to say anything,” Twilight said as Rarity trailed off. She put her palms out as color touched her cheeks. “I get what you're getting at... and, uh. Thanks. I... probably will do that when I get home.”

“Oh my, can't wait, can you?”

“Yeah...” Twilight rubbed her arm, blushing. “I, uh. I didn't do it yesterday. I usually do it every night, my libido has been pretty standard in that regard for a while, so my body’s in that kind of mood anyway.”

“I understand how you feel, if not in practice then at least in theory. I personally don't ever do that, I would feel dirty, but I can at least imagine what it would feel like.”

“So uh...” Twilight grimaced. “Actually, are the photos of the person you're not telling me who it is but it's probably Sunset still on there?”

“No, I deleted them last night- I mean-” Rarity’s jaw dropped. “No it's... it's not her, it’s... how did you?”

“You kinda told her she was being paranoid about the blog, and given the context that makes sense,” Twilight adjusted her glasses. “I take it you told her that I might have seen her nudes once you saw I saw the blog in your history?”

Rarity sighed and slumped her shoulders. “Every day I underestimate your powers of perception. But yes.”

“It wasn't really perception,” Twilight admitted, rubbing her arms. “I... overheard you both in this bathroom yesterday at lunch.”

“Oh for the love of-” Rarity covered her eyes with her hands. “You heard all of it?”

“Every word, from when you asked if Midnight was back to when she asked if Star Swirl discovered the atom. No to both, by the way. Star Swirl was the one who discovered- okay, not important right now. Look, as for my notebook doodling, I don't even really think about the things I draw, it's all just from my subconscious. Psych is just really really boring and uninteresting. The fear she was talking about, I mean, I don't really feel afraid of anything, I just feel really anxious all the time, ever since I started doing this,” she motioned with her wrists. “But yeah, I heard you say that she had nudes on that blog and that you thought I saw them. And let me just say that, I would never judge you for doing something like that, and I wouldn't judge her either. I mean, part of me would like to see that, but... that's a complete and total violation of her privacy if she doesn't want me to see it. So, if she doesn't want me to see it, and I know it exists, and I’m curious about your blog... are those pictures still on there?”

“No, they're... they're all gone.”

“Okay. Good. I can scroll in peace, in that case.”

“Hold on, Twilight, you heard about Sunset’s plan of magic decontamination?”

Twilight winced. “Yeah. I, uh... this is gonna sound stupid but I was really paranoid that if they found out that Midnight was back they were gonna kill me.”

Rarity froze and raised an eyebrow at this. “Really?”

“Like I said. Anxiety. Paranoia. My guilt spirals are really powerful. That's probably what she was talking about, and that's what caused my attack. It's not depression. I know it's not. The symptoms are all wrong. It's something else, and I don't want Sunset to worry about me. I don't want her to think I’m pathetic.”

“She won't think that!”

“I know she won't, logically, but the hormonal teen idiot reptile brain thinks she would. Reason I can talk about this with you is, well, you already know about this stuff. You're the only one I've told so far so I know that I can trust you.”

Rarity pursed her lips and stood in thought for a moment. Eventually, she spoke.

“I’m glad you trust me,” she said, still quizzical but genuine. “So, let me get this straight. You find your friends to be attractive, and given the opportunity you would have sex with us, so you feel like you're sexually objectifying us, which makes you feel like a bad person, which forces your body to inflict pain upon yourself?”

Twilight shrugged. “Pretty much.”

“Is anything I could say going to make that stop happening?”

“Doubt it.”

Rarity said nothing in response; she merely stepped closer and put her arms around Twilight. “This is the worst feeling I’ve had in a long time. This feeling of complete and utter helplessness as one of my best friends struggles alone. And I mean that; you are so important to me. I wish I could just reach inside of you and take that pain away. But I’m sure that what I feel pales in comparison to the hardships that you're going through right now. So I just want to let you know that I am here for you, and I would never judge you for your sexuality, and if you ever need anything I will always be here for you. The next time you feel the urge to hurt yourself, please don't hesitate to call me. I swear I will be there for you when you need it, just as you were there for me when I needed help. If you feel you don't deserve it, consider it a return favor for making me the website, okay?”

Twilight nodded. “Sure. I'll... I'll call you.”

“Good. I'm glad to hear.” Rarity pulled back and adjusted Twilight’s sleeves. “I may have some armwarmers or long fingerless gloves that you can use in place of that drab gray old jumper. I can bring you some tomorrow if you'd like.”

“I might appreciate that, Rarity, but...” she looked down and bit her lip. “I kinda like this sweater.”

“Of course, I won't force you. I'm just giving you options.”

“I know, and... I appreciate that, Rarity. I'm lucky to have you as a friend.”

She gave a small smile in return. “You're right.”

The two laugh, but before either can say anything else, a new arrival walks into the room. Or, more specifically, two do. Rainbow Dash leads the way, with a teary-eyed Fluttershy in tow attached to one hand.

“Hey,” Rainbow said, putting her free hand in a jacket pocket. Her face was stoic, but the facade slowly broke down. “So, um. Twi. Sunset came back. She didn't tell us anything, so the two of us came to see that you were, you know... that you were okay and stuff. AJ stayed behind so Sunset wasn't alone, but also because... Fluttershy needed to come and she's more comfortable with me here. And I... I just, uh...” She sniffed and wiped off her eyes before her voice broke. “I'm scared too. I had no idea you were hurting...”

“Rainbow,” Twilight murmured, walking over to pull both girls into a hug. “I... look, I just. I know that I haven't been honest with all of you about a lot of things. But it isn't as big a deal as it seems, okay, I’m just... having a problem. I’m not depressed, I don't want to commit suicide, I’m perfectly healthy. This is just... punishment for my internalized homophobia. I've been hiding it from all of you because I didn't want any of you to judge me for it. Which is admittedly really really stupid, I know.”

“Yeah, kinda,” Rainbow said with a small sad smile. “I mean, you and I made out how many times when we dated?”

“I know, it's not rational. But I think the hardest problem was admitting to it. Now that I have, and I’m starting to actually let you all know that I’m having a problem, I think that... I can recover now. The worst is over. I guess it was a good thing that I got so drunk I lost myself so that this conversation could happen. I just wish it was more subtle and not as jarring and traumatizing for all of you. Especially you, Fluttershy, I probably scared you.”

“It's not that,” Fluttershy whispered. “I’m not crying because I’m scared. I'm crying because you aren't. You're hurting and you're not letting yourself feel what you should be feeling. And you're hiding from us, and…” she fidgeted with her hands for a moment. “I remember what you told me at the beach house.”

Twilight bit her lip and looked down as she thought back to the exact conversation Fluttershy was referring to.

/x/x/x/

This is an Author’s Note. The following is a completed excerpt from an unreleased chapter of The Beach House. I decided to use that section here instead, since I am going to be rewriting both anyways, and I would like all of my efforts to not have been wasted. Besides, it is relevant, pertinent, and honestly it’s to cut this section into two more easily digestible chunks. Again, I will detail more information on the rewrite at the end.

And now, flashback music. Doodle-oo, doodle-oo, doodle-oo…

/x/x/x/

“Twilight?”

Fluttershy stepped into the house through the deck door, slipping her flip flops off onto the mat directly inside. She glanced into the living room but saw it was deserted. Her search was cut short as she heard clinking coming from the kitchen.

“Twilight, are you in here?”

As she stepped closer through the dining room, she could hear both quiet sobbing and liquid pouring. The latter noise stopped, and a moment later came the sound of a closing refrigerator. The rattling of a bottle of pills followed, but the crying continued.

“Twilight!” Fluttershy called, this time at an audible volume, as she entered the kitchen.

The girl jumped before turning around and wiping her eyes from underneath her glasses. Behind her back she slid a bottle in the space between the microwave and the fridge and faked a smile, holding a fist tightly closed.

“Hey, Fluttershy,” she greeted, voice shaky. “You, uh. You startled me. What's up?”

Fluttershy glanced down at the pink and blue box. “Benadryl?” She asked. “Are you... having allergy problems?”

Twilight’s eyes shifted to the right for a moment before she adjusted her glasses. “Uh... yeah...” she looked back at her concerned friend. “My, uh, eyes are watering really bad.”

Fluttershy strode forward and leaned against the opposing counter, grabbing her wrist in the opposite hand. “I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything that I can do?”

Twilight nodded and smiled. “No, unfortunately I just think that'll be it for me for the day. Maybe I’ll stay up for longer tomorrow, but for right now I’m just out of it. And, uhh...nfortunately we don't have the non-drowsy stuff. So... yeah.”

Fluttershy gently nodded her head before moving her hands to the counter edges on either side of her hips. “What are you allergic to... sand? Salt water?” She looked up directly in Twilight’s eyes. “The sun?”

Twilight pursed her lips and exhaled through her nose.

“I heard you crying, Twilight.” She continued. “You aren't a very good liar. You never have been.”

“I'm not...” Twilight looked down at the pills hidden inside her enclosed fist and sighed. “I just wanna go to sleep now.”

“But why!?” Fluttershy cried, coming into the floor and gently stamping her foot, adopting what for her was a confrontational stance but for anybody else was fairly similar to the aloof, neutral pose of a certain friend of hers. “The sun hasn't even set yet, and we were all going to go roast marshmallows once it did. It wouldn't be right if you weren't there, since you're the reason we’re all even here in the first place!”

“You wouldn't understand...”

“Is it because of the swimsuits?” She asked, taking a few steps forward and reaching for her friend’s arms. “It's going to get cold during the night, so we’ll all be more covered up.”

“No, it's not that,” Twilight protested, turning away. “I'm telling you, you wouldn't get it!”

“Twilight, please...” Fluttershy touched her friend’s shoulder. “Something is making you upset and it hurts me to see you in pain like this. I just want to help you.”

“It isn't something you can help me with...” Twilight set her own hand over the one on her shoulder. “It's just circumstantial happenstance and bad luck. I'm only going to ruin the mood by staying around so I was going to go to sleep and make sure you all could have a good time...”

Fluttershy took a step forward and wrapped her free arm around Twilight’s middle, pulling her into an embrace. She put her forehead on her friend’s upper back, paying no mind to the girl’s hitching of breath. “Don't say that,” she whispered. “Please don't ever say that...”

“S, say what?” Twilight asked, painfully aware of every square inch of skin and fabric touching her, although comparatively there was significantly less fabric in all.

“We love being around you, Twilight!” Fluttershy scolded. “Your presence will never ruin any mood that we’re in, unless it's a sad one. This is a lesson I had to learn a long time ago, when I was struggling with my own depression, one that Rainbow tried to teach me. We’re your friends. We enjoy and appreciate your company. You shouldn't think otherwise...”

“It's not that...” Twilight put her arms out and subtly tried to extricate herself from the tightening grasp. “I told you, it's not- I’m... it isn't self deprecation!”

“Then what is it?” Fluttershy choked out. “Why are you so sad you'd rather sleep alone than be around us?”

“Urgh- because I AM ALONE!”

The sudden shock of volume was enough to set Fluttershy’s grip weak, allowing Twilight to fully pull away. In the brief moment of freedom she tossed back the half dozen pills she had been hiding, then grabbed at her glass and took several large gulps.

“Twilight!” Fluttershy gasped, covering her mouth with both hands.

“At my weight it would take a lot more than six to hurt me. I'm just making sure I'll be asleep.” Twilight sighed and set the glass back on the counter, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “I'm going to bed. I'll either be up in a few hours or tomorrow morning.”

Fluttershy grabbed Twilight’s hand, setting her pulse skyrocketing due more to the surprise than the contact, though barely.

“You're not alone.”

Twilight glanced at Fluttershy out the corner of her glasses. “You don't understand.”

“Then please explain it to me! Before those start to kick in...”

Twilight grunted. “If I tell you, you can't tell the others. Not Sunset, not Rarity. And especially not Rainbow. And not Pinkie or Applejack either.”

“If that's your mandate then so be it,” Fluttershy said, firm with conviction. “I just want to see you be happy, Twilight, that's all that matters to me.”

“Happy? Tch...” she nodded her head sadly. “Fine. I wanted to cuddle with Sunset just like we used to when we all smoked pot together.” Twilight freed her hand and moved over to one of the island’s stools, pulling herself up onto it. She placed her forearms on the surface, and continued to speak directly into the countertop.

“I wanted to feel her skin on mine. I wanted to nestle in her arms, feel her heartbeat, smell her hair. Not in, like, a weird way. Kind of. Ugh, that is weird...” she sighed and took her glasses off, covering her eyes with her hand instead. “I like her. I have always liked her. From the day she saved me at the games, I've always been drawn to her. At first I attributed it to infatuation, the surge of hormones that pop up when someone physically attractive interacts with you. But it never went away.”

She rubbed at her eyes with both hands, resting her elbows on the table. “When you introduced us to cannabis, it was... freeing. With my inhibitions gone I had no qualms with crawling all over her, and she in turn had no problem with it either. It was perfect. I could hug her for as long as I wanted to, and nobody ever thought I was weird or perverted. I got to just be a stupid teenager who smoked dope and acted uncharacteristically until she was sober again.”

She waited for a response, anything, but Fluttershy said nothing. She knew there was more.

“And ever since she stopped smoking, I haven't gotten to do much more than a stupid little one armed side hug. I miss the feeling of her body in my arms, or vice versa. I miss being able to touch her despite my attractions and it not come off as being anything predatory. I know I’m gay and I like her but I know that she’ll never feel the same way, so I... I just want to express physical affection with my friends. But I don't get to... I don't get to have the opportunity.” Her hands came away wet.

“We have a sleepover, I build up the courage to ask her if I can hug her, by the time I do she’s having her nails done by Pinkie. We go to get breakfast, I wanna sit by her and see if I can hold her hand, Rainbow takes the seat and talks about music. We get in the car together, she takes the front seat. We get in the water, Pinkie ropes her into games I'm not comfortable with. We get out, she talks to you. And then, when maybe I have the best possible opportunity, she goes to Rarity, and Pinkie and Applejack, and you and Rainbow, you all have each other, you all have a perfect pair, a friend to be able to be physical with, and I have nobody, nothing. I'm the odd one out, the fucking castaway... the untouchable...”

She felt arms slip around her stomach again, and the floodgates opened.

“Oh, Twilight...” Fluttershy murmured. “You're not untouchable.”

“I, I know, but, I just...” she mumbled between breaths. “It just hurts, so much. I know I'm always chatting with you girls but it's always from a phone or arm’s length. And the only time that's ever not the case is if I'm having a goddamn emotional breakdown or something. You all don't ever hug me first when it's just us hanging out, but you do with each other, and it just...” she drew in a shaky breath. “It just feels like I’m back at Crystal Prep sometimes...”

“Twilight... what happened there?”

She shook her head. “They avoided me like the plague. Each other, too. Nobody ever touched or, or anything. Hugs didn't exist. Every day, all I had was Spike. Mom and dad were always gone, so at nights I would cuddle up with him in my bed and his warmth made me feel less alone. Before, when Cadance would babysit me, she let me sit in her lap whenever we did anything, and now, we don't see each other ever... do you know what it feels like to spend weeks, months, without ever even touching another person?”

“That...” Fluttershy held her tighter. “That sounds so awful.”

Twilight gently rocked herself back and forth. “My chest feels like it’s cracking open, spreading out. Like all of my insides are trying to force their way out. My heart crawls up my throat, and a blanket of, of ice just falls down and covers me. Like, I'm in the middle of a blizzard, and I can see fire, but I just can't reach it, it's always moving further away from me. That's how it feels when I don't get to feel another person for too long...”

“How much is too long?”

Twilight shrugged. “It depends. Depends on how long it was, my mental state when I did, how long it had been before the previous time, whether it gave me anxiety because I was scared they might think I was just being a pervert and using it as an excuse to grope them...” she leaned back slightly. “And yeah, I know that's stupid, but anxiety really doesn't listen to reason.”

“It rarely does,” Fluttershy agreed with a wry chuckle, pulling her arms even tighter and putting her head over Twilight’s shoulder so she could see her face. “And is that why you haven't told anyone this?”

“...yeah.”

“So does this have anything to do with the fact that you have a crush on Sunset and she’s in a bikini?”

Twilight shrugged. “I've already seen her in it. I've felt all the same stuff. Only difference is that I now remember that skin on skin contact gives oxytocin. So yeah, from a scientific perspective it would help that, but really I just wanna be held. I'm just closer to her than I am to the rest of you girls, except maybe for Rainbow Dash. For, you know, obvious reasons. You and Rarity are pretty high on that list, though, too. And Sunset’s the only one of you girls I'm really comfortable with asking about affection, hypothetically. Actually asking her, though-”

“What do you mean by that?”

Twilight blinked a few times, head drooping slightly. “By... what?”

“About Sunset being the only one that you're comfortable with.”

“Oh. I... I don't know. Rainbow, we’re exes so it would be awkward. Pinkie I don't know nearly as well, and Applejack would be uncomfortable with that. Rarity, she... she's intimidating, really, she's like the sun. She's so beautiful that I’m worried she would think that was the reason why, rather than because she's a wonderful person and a good friend.”

Fluttershy pursed her lips. “...and me?”

“You've always been so shy about things, no, uh... offense. I always just thought you were, you know. Not going to be comfortable with that thought.”

“Thought of what exactly?”

Twilight shrugged. “You, know, like... cuddles. I've only ever seen you be affectionate with Rainbow like that. Like earlier. Which is a shame because I calculated that you and Pinkie would be the best cuddlers of the whole group. And I know you're hugging me now but you've got that real maternal thing where you take care of us when we’re sad... so it doesn't really count as weird. Or... real? It's not a thing that's a thing that... oh wow I'm tired...”

“Oh boy,” Fluttershy muttered, struggling to keep Twilight from falling off the stool. “I think the pills are starting to kick in.”

“Oh...” Twilight shook her head. “I'm gonna go to bed now... but now you know why. You all did the cuddle thing and I don't have a person to do with. Thanks for listening and stuff... have fun tonight. You'll all have a good time. I'll make breakfast. Oh. My legs aren't working.”

“They're working right, I’m just supporting you.” Fluttershy pulled Twilight’s arm over her shoulders. “I'm taking you to bed.”

/x/x/x/

Back in the present day, Twilight turned up her gaze to meet Fluttershy’s eyes.

“What happened at the beach house?” Rainbow asked, glancing between the two.

“You can tell her,” Twilight murmured, crossing her arms and looking away again. “Everyone might as well know.”

Fluttershy hesitated for a moment before speaking. “Do you remember when I came outside the first night and told you all that she was sleeping?”

“Was that the night she took all the pills?”

“That was both nights,” she said, keeping Twilight in her periphery, watching her. “She talked to me before she fell asleep. She said some things that were… really sad. That were about… being friends with all of us. And about being attracted to us. And about feeling guilty about that. About how the guilt became loneliness. About how much it hurts. I should have done something more, I should have been there for you, Twilight.”

“You did plenty-“

“Did I?” Fluttershy reaches out to take Twilight’s arm. “Because I really don’t think that I did.”

“This isn’t your fault, it’s mine,” Twilight sternly worded, pulling her arm away. Her voice turns to a more gentle tone. “I thought I was strong enough to carry the burden alone, but my mind took over and said no I wasn’t. But now I know that that’s only because I felt alone. I’m hoping that now that all of you know, I can maybe start being more open to help and support in the future. That I can stop feeling alone and come to grips with the fact that I’m not because I have all of you in my life.”

Rarity bit her lip and furrowed her brow in confusion. Rainbow glanced at her, cocked a brow, then turned her attention to Fluttershy’s face which now glistened with more tears. And yet, different tears. She stepped closer to Twilight and the two embraced, leaving the others to exchange uneasy glances.

After a few moments the hug pulled back apart, and as they did so, Rarity and Rainbow gave the two encouraging smiles that didn’t quite reach their eyes.

“We all good now?” Rainbow asked.

“I think so,” Twilight replied, eyes focusing on the empty room. “I’m gonna head back to the cafeteria.”

“You do that,” Rainbow said, stepping to one of the stalls. “I gotta take a leak anyway.”

“I do as well,” Rarity added, stepping to the next one over. “Do keep our spots warm?”

“Sure,” Twilight said, lacing her fingers together with Fluttershy’s. “Come on, Applejack is probably worried.”

The two walked out and headed out of earshot.

After a few moments, Rainbow cleared her throat.

“So uh… what the hell just happened?”

“I presume you mean Twilight’s mood shift?”

“Yeah. You know I hate gossip, and I don’t usually blab about stuff like this. But that whole spiel sounded… kinda fake, tbh.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say fake. Definitely generic. Rehearsed. And almost tailor made for Fluttershy.”

“Like, I get her issues kinda, we talked about them a lot when we dated, and after we broke up, and when we all went to go swimsuit shopping. She likes us so she feels like she’s a shitty friend, and I guess she punishes herself for it or something? That must be where the scars come from, right?”

“You are remarkably astute when you want to be, Rainbow, because that is exactly what she said. Or, well, it’s what I deduced and she confirmed. And it makes sense. And the most recent one, fresh as of when she came over. I was in a tank top. You can put together the rest.”

“Right. And taking the pills at the beach house makes sense. And that’s the last time I remember seeing her arms. I dunno if anyone else has.”

“I hadn’t.”

“She seems closest to you. Makes sense. And her issues are legit. They remind me of… Pinkie’s. From back when. But the way she talked about carrying the burden alone… she’s talked to me about it before. Has she talked to you about it before?”

“Yes. Twice in fact. Just the other day.”

“Mhm. It’s like she just wanted to get Fluttershy off her case… I’m gonna go talk to Pinkie. Fill her in on stuff. Might be best if I tell her. Shy would be too soft, AJ would be too rough. You and her had some bad blood during that time. I was the only one of us who really talked to her when she was cutting her thighs n’ stuff.”

“That makes sense as well…” Rarity sighed. “May I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Do you think that Twilight is being haunted by Midnight?”

“Midnight? Nah. She was super freaked out about turning into a pony last night.”

“Is that what she told you?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow shrugged. “Yesterday. Why?”

“She told me just before you arrived that she overheard a conversation out of context that lead her to believe that Sunset was going to kill her in Equestria.”

“What… the fuck? Why?”

“Because she was worried what they would do if they found out that Midnight was back.”

“Why would she worry about that unless…” Rainbow gasped. “Oh shit.”

“I don’t think she even realized she said it. Either that or she wants me to think that, and to worry about her.”

“Okay, look, I don’t think that Twilight is manipulating us or anything like that, she’s no Sunset.”

“Circa fresh-“

“Circa freshman year, yeah, I know, you know what I mean.”

“I do, yes, so now I’m genuinely concerned. She would have no reason to be worried about Sunset and the other Twilight overreacting to the point of executing her because Midnight was back if Midnight wasn’t back.”

“So, what, she’s lying about Midnight not being back? What would she have to gain?”

“Us not worrying about her…” Rarity groaned. “That girl is going through three hells, but she’s only telling us about one.”

“Three?” Rainbow asked. “Lesbian drama and Midnight is the two.”

“Her wrists,” Rarity quickly spat. “That’s three.”

“Oh, I thought the cutting part was part of the lesbian drama since that’s what caused it.”

“Right.”

Rainbow squinted her eyes. “Something else is up.”

“Nothing’s up!”

“Rare.”

Rarity held her position for a few moments before dropping her shoulders and sighing. “I don’t understand how you can forget so much in class when you’re so perceptive in any other situation.”

“It’s because I don’t give a shit about math. I give a shit about Twilight. What else is going on with her?”

“Alright. I’ll tell you. But only because I know your penchant for keeping gossip a secret. Twilight accidentally saw Sunset‘s nudes.”

Rainbow blinked. “Oh. TFW.”

“…what?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “It’s a meme. That feel when.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It means, like… I get it. Probably made her feel uncomfy. It would make most people who weren’t her excited. And uh. I kinda figured that.”

“Really? How?”

“She texted me and asked if I ever saw my crush’s nudes on accident. I said no. On purpose, yeah, but never on accident. I figured out of all of us Sunset would be the one she had the biggest crush on. Especially since she was all over her every time we all ever got stoned together. So it makes sense that it was Sunset’s nudes. What, she put ‘em on your sexy blog?”

“Yes.”

An awkward silence rang for a moment.

“Dude, that was a joke. You have a sexy blog?”

Rarity continued to say nothing.

“Rares?”

“It’s for aesthetics.”

“Mmhmm. And I read Playboy for the articles.”

Rarity slapped her hands over her face. “Rainbooooow…”

“Alright, alright, I’m kidding, I know you’re straight. Anyway…” her smile faded. “If she cuts herself over thinking we’re hot in our clothes… man. Seeing Sunset must have frazzled the shit outta her. On top of the everything else.”

“Mm.”

Rainbow pondered for a few moments more.

“You think she, eh… you know?”

“What?”

“You think she mastur-“

“It’s not my business.”

Rainbow shrugged. “She did to me once. I think. I’m pretty sure. I meme I didn’t see it happening but I figured it might be.”

“Again… not my business.”

“Eh, yeah, you’re probably right.” She checked her phone before heading to the door. “I’m gonna head out and talk to Pinkie now. Fill her in. Text me and let me know if I miss anything important, okay?”

“I will. I should also leave. Sunset got a bit heated at Twilight earlier.”

“Yeah… makes sense. Suns went through this too. I…” she sighed. “Why’s it always us two picking up the pieces?”

“How so?”

“Well, AJ doesn’t really know how to help with stuff like this. Twilight, Sunset, and Pinkie all went through this. Fluttershy almost did. So it falls to you and I whenever any of them have problems like this.”

“Perhaps… perhaps it’s the price we pay for our strength.”

“Our strength, huh?” Rainbow glanced down the hallway. “Maybe. See ya, Rares.”

With that she disappeared around the corner.

As soon as she did so, Rarity whipped out her own phone.

“Sunset needs to know…” she muttered to herself, tapping furiously away.

“She needs to know that it’s Midnight.”

/x/x/x/

Author's Note

I am immensely dissatisfied with my work from 4-5 years ago. This took so long because I hated every draft. I didn’t want to upload garbage. Half of this was written in 2019, half was written within the last hour. But I am not giving up, damn it. I’m cutting scenes that aren’t important to the central narrative so I can get to the final chapters which are 100% written, I JUST NEED TO GET THERE FIRST.

Anyway, once this is completed, I fully intend to do a remaster of sorts. A ground-up revision of every chapter, every paragraph, every sentence. I was stupid and wrote chronologically in reverse because my adhd dumbass brain couldn’t focus enough to complete any one story but that’s not gonna stop me. So the Director’s Cut is coming. The scenes I skip will be there in the rewrite. The flow will be better. The character arcs will line up better. I won’t be stupid and keep having to reread entire chapters over and over again because I forgot which revision I’m on, which continuity I’m in; I FORGOT WHO SAID WHAT TO WHOM. And not just this fic. Every single fic in this chronology will be put together from beginning to end. From Upon Reflection to Stupid Girl to Milkshake to TFW YFYCN to The Dragonbourne pentalogy to Snack Cake Confessions to Coming Out to Copper Sulfate and beyond. All together in one fic for everyone’s reading convenience.

I’m sorry for the cut scene but I’m not sorry because it wasn’t necessary except as a spacing tool to indicate that time had passed. I will try to keep it less distracting in the future because the focus is now gonna be 100% on Twilight because essentially all of the subplots have now reached the point where they affect her directly. I’m going to finish this I swear. Here’s the proof, it’s in the pudding. Haha yes like the meme.