Sunset Shimmer tells Star Swirl The Bearded to go [CENSORED] himself

by NightCoreMoon

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Comedy, Starswirl the Bearded, Equestria Girls, Pinkie Pie, Winona, Sunset Shimmer, Profanity, Random
Length: 3163

In the aftermath of the events of the Season 7 finale, Sunset Shimmer and the rest of the Equestria Girls crew have to deal with cleaning up after an epic battle with the Pony of Shadows sent over to their side. She is very cross with his decisions.

Sunset Shimmer is just trying to have a nice dinner with her friends when it is RUINED by an uninvited guest with an affinity for black goo. She knows what it is, she knows who is responsible, and she is very VERY unhappy with him. And she wants to let him know.

/x/x/x/

Rated T for exactly one instance of harsh profanity.

I did not expect this to get as popular as it did but I am very glad that people enjoyed it. Thank you all so much for getting featured, 100+ likes, and countless additions to favorites lists! 💜

Published 2022-09-26 08:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-09-26 08:00:01 UTC

Precision F Strike

/x/x/x/

It was a beautiful day in Canterlot. The gentle evening sun illuminated the pristine cityscape in a golden dusty glow. A soft breeze rustled the linden and maple trees lining the streets, their fresh green leaves giving lovely spots of color between the silvers and browns of urban development. Birds chirped, dogs barked, squirrels made whatever you call the noise that squirrels make. The occasional car driving by added a splash of life to the canvas that was the windows of the restaurant that begins our story.

Within sat seven friends at a table, eating and drinking and otherwise making merriment of their day. What they spoke of was irrelevant, as was the food they were consuming, the clothes they wore, and even the basic physical descriptions that anyone interested in hearing this tale would no doubt already know. This doesn’t matter in the slightest. What does matter is the sudden loud boom coming from outside, which caused everyone to stop in their tracks.

“What was that?” Asked one of them, a girl named Sunset Shimmer.

“How would I know?” Asked Rainbow Dash in response.

The party all got up from the table and attempt to leave the restaurant. Ordinarily there would be some unnecessary drama about accusations regarding a potential dine and dash, but circumstances- particularly the aforementioned sudden loud boom- allowed this oversight to occur. Once outside, the girls are met with the answer to what “that” was.

In the middle of a nearby park sat a disgusting large pulsating mass of black gooey sludge. It slowly formed into roughly the shape of a horse with wings and a horn on its forehead.

“Oh god damn it,” Sunset quietly muttered to herself.

The black horse began to laugh, the deep rumble sending powerful bassy shockwaves in all directions. Many windows shattered, and glass rained onto the ground, making a lovely twinkling melody as the shards collided with the pavement. All wildlife quickly vacated the premises, sensing their impending doom.

“This isn’t quite what I expected,” the monster growled, forming a sadistic twisted grin on its face. “But it will do. Greetings, citizens of wherever this place is. You are now my slaves. Surrender or be destroyed!”

“Yeah, right,” Rainbow Dash replied, cracking her knuckles. “We’ve fought monsters before. We’ll kick your ass too! Right, Sunset?”

A motorcycle engine started, drawing the shocked stares of six of the girls and the amused stare of the evil horse thing. On it sat Sunset who merely affixed a helmet to her head and quickly drove off into the horizon.

Rainbow’s jaw dropped as the evil horse thing laughed again.

“What tenacity!” It mocked. “What bravery! You know what, she gets to escape. The rest of you dare to challenge my rule? You who dare to impugn my divinity, will suffer the most! Muahahahaha! Now, succumb to the will of the Pony of Shadows!”

I’m sure they all turned out just fine.

Meanwhile Sunset drove to her destination. The trip was uneventful enough to barely warrant mentioning for any reason behind ensuring there were no silly plot holes. She arrived at the Wondercolts statue in front of the high school, calmly stepped off of her vehicle, and strolled into the portal hidden on the statue base.

On the other side, she fell to her hooves, having transformed from her humanoid form to that of her original equine shape. She trotted through the abandoned halls of the crystal keep, not bothering to call anyone’s name for she knew it would be a fruitless venture. Her route took her to the throne room, replete with a giant table map. She took a quick glance at it, and then nodded, her suspicions confirmed. She walked to the throne itself and sat on it, making herself comfortable as she knew she would be there for a while.

After that while passed, and she had fallen asleep, a large puddle of drool forming on the armrest and spilling out onto the floor, the throne room was finally entered by somepony else. Or to be more precise, by nine someponies and one somedragon.

“Oh,” said the leader of the group, the only one with both a horn and wings. She yawned before continuing to speak. “Sunset’s here. That’s a weird coincidence.”

“Who is Sunset?” Asked the second, a tall unicorn with a long beard and a hat and cape. “Is she a friend of yours?”

“Oh, absolutely!” Twilight replied, flying her way over. “Hey Sunny. Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!”

“Isn’t she a vegetarian?” Rainbow Dash asked. Obviously this was the other Rainbow Dash from this dimension, rather than the human one we abandoned back in the human world. Uh, I should say, the one we tactically decided to leave behind.

“Oh yeah, that’s right!” Twilight cleared her throat. “Wakey wakey vegetables.”

This roused Sunset from her slumber. “Twilight?” She asked, before standing and stretching. “Oh good, you’re here. So uh. Let me guess. You found a way to rouse Star Swirl the Bearded and the Pillars of Harmony from their thousand year slumber, and banished Stygian to Limbo?”

“Actually, no,” Starlight Glimmer chimed in. “She found a way to rouse Star Swirl the Bearded and the Pillars of Harmony from their thousand year slumber, yes, but luckily we saved Stygian from the Pony of Shadows, and banished HIM to Limbo!”

“Oh.” Sunset huffs. “Fantastic. Good for you Twilight. I am genuinely thrilled that you had a successful adventure. But I have a question for you. Do you know how Star Swirl and the Pillars took care of the Sirens?”

“Um, that’s a weird question,” Twilight murmured, rubbing an eye with a hoof. “But, yes, I do. They were banished to Limbo, of course.”

Sunset nods. “Yeah, that’s very good, Twilight! You have a very good memory. Now, I’m going to ask you another completely unrelated question. Who was the first entity that you and I fought together as friends?”

“That was the sirens,” Twilight answered, slurring her words slightly. “Why are you asking me so many weird questions?”

“Twilight, how many sets of Sirens are there?”

“Two, as far as I’m aware.”

Sunset nods. “Okay, that’s all I need to know. Anyway, so um. There was only one set of sirens. Adagio, Sonata, and Aria were the ones who were banished to the human world a thousand years ago. Or, well, a little more than that. Does that make sense?”

“Oh, yes, that’s very interesting!” Twilight clapped her hooves together as her eyes sparkled with new knowledge. “I’m not entirely sure what that has to do with your sudden arrival or with Star Swirl. But it’s good to see you regardless. Should I put on a pot of tea?”

“Nope, I’m good.”

“How do you know so much about Star Swirl and the Pillars?” Twilight asked.

“I lived here for almost twenty years before I went to the mirror world. I was an accomplished wizard before you even got your cutie mark. I was Celestia’s student before you were. I read a thousand tomes in the forbidden library that you don’t even know exists. I think I would know the basics of ancient history.”

“Oh yeah… I guess I forgot that. All I really know that you know is what I’ve seen of you.”

“Well, now you know.” Sunset walked to Starlight. “It’s good to see you again. Now, what do you mean, exactly, by you saved Stygian from the Pony of Shadows?”

“Perhaps I can explain that,” Stygian said as he took a step forward.

“Who are you?” Sunset asked.

“Well, DUH!” Pinkie Pie interjected. “That’s Stygian. What, you couldn’t tell by the fact that his name was written down on the dialogue tag?”

Starlight pulls Pinkie aside for a moment. “Pinkie,” she lectures. “Only you can see the dialogue tags. None of us have the same type of Forthwäll magic that you do.”

“Ooooohhhhh… oopsie!”

Stygian cleared his throat. “Well, Starlight helped Twilight to convince me to let go of my hatred and my desire for revenge against the Pillars, and together they defeated the Pony of Shadows and banished him to Limbo, like Star Swirl wanted.”

“Yeah.” Starlight continued. “What he said.”

“Oh, cool,” Sunset replied, disinterested. She then walked up to the unicorn who was actually clothed. And bearded. “Are you Star Swirl?”

“I am indeed,” he said. “Perhaps you’ve heard of m-“

He is interrupted by Sunset Shimmer punching him in the face.

“Go fuck yourself!” She angrily yelled.

Twilight gasps. “Sunset!” She cried. “What on earth are you doing!?”

“Twilight,” Sunset sighed, turning to face her. “Can you please put two and two together?”

Pinkie started humming the Jeopardy theme music as Twilight did as she was asked. Eventually, the light of deduction came across Twilight’s face.

“Oh,” she said, flapping her wings. “You want four pots of tea!”

“No,”

“Four cups of tea?”

“No-“

“You want coffee instead?”

Sunset facehoofed. “Oh my god,” she grumbled to herself. “How long have you been awake for?”

“Only about six… oh, days... wow. It’s been a stressful week.”

Sunset put her hooves on Twilight’s shoulders and began to speak very slowly and plainly.

“Limbo does not exist,” she said. “The place that everyone in Equestria thinks is Limbo is actually the Human World. The Mirror is a portal to Limbo. Limbo is the Human World. Do you understand what I am trying to say now?”

Twilight blinked slowly. “Yes. You like to play Limbo.” She then collapsed immediately, and started snoring.

“Somepony take her to bed please,” Sunset muttered, fuming. “And when she wakes up please tell her that Star Swirl just teleported the Pony of Freaking Shadows to right outside of my freaking apartment.”

“Oh, you unlocked the secrets of the Crystal Mirror?” Star Swirl asked. “Congratulations!”

“Stuff it, Beardo!” Sunset growled, whirling in him. “Now get your ass over there and FIX IT!”

He shrugged. “I don’t have any magical powers in Terra. And besides, time moves half as fast there as it does here. My joints would ache.”

“I’m gonna make every bone in your body ache if you don’t-“

“No,” he said, turning away from her. “I don’t think I will.”

“But-“

“Why don’t you just banish him somewhere else?” He suggested. “It works fairly often. It worked on Princess Luna-“

“Who came back a thousand years later.”

“It worked on Sombra-“

“Who came back a thousand years later.”

“It worked on Stygian-“

“Who came back a thousand years later.”

Star Swirl puts a hoof to his chin. “Weird that a thousand years is exactly how long it takes evil creatures to return. Hmm. Have you tried turning him to stone?”

“Discord was turned into stone and then he came baCK A THOUSAND YEARS LATER.”

“Well, did you try shattering the stone? I think that sounds like a pretty definitive way to make sure your antagonist never comes back.”

“Oh yeah, sure, let me just stuff a cockatrice down my pants and go back through the portal. That’ll work.”

“Question!” Pinkie interjected, floating her head into frame from off the left side of the screen. “If a pony wore pants, would they wear them like this,” she said, holding up a piece of blue paper from off the right side of the screen. She moved the paper over the rear half of Sunset’s body. “Or like this?” She then moved it to cover Sunset’s legs but nothing else.

“Why do you ask me that every single time I say the word pants?” Sunset asked.

“Because it’s funny every time.”

“What are pants?” Star Swirl asked.

“THIS DOESN'T MATTER!” Sunset yells to the sky. “There is a huge freaking monster terrorizing my home as we speak, and I need an S-tier wizard to take care of the S-tier evil monster. Chop chop, Beardy!”

“I told you already,” he replied, annoyed. “I would be totally powerless in Limbo. Equus Caballus become Homo Sapien- stop laughing.”

“Heehee,” Pinkie chuckled. “You said ‘sapien’.”

“And Homo Sapien become Equus Caballus. You would need to take a ‘human’ from this dimension in order to get a unicorn in your dimension. And even then, you might get a pegasus instead.”

Sunset groans. “So even if I shoved a cockatrice in my pants it might turn into something else on the other side? Then what will turn into a cockatrice?”

“I don’t know. Could be a bugbear. Could be a breezie. Could be a parasprite. Could even be a dog.”

“Well that sucks.” Sunset lies on the ground and rubs her head. “I get to play triple triad with random beasts just to get a roulette shot at a creature that can defeat this sludge bucket. Well. I might as well get as much intel as I can. What could theoretically defeat the Pony of Shadows in immortal combat?”

Star Swirl sits. “A draconequus is one, but I don’t think I want to know what Discord would become, or what becomes one. Then there’s centaurs, but they need to absorb enough power. And Tirek is… gone. Perhaps an Ursa Major. Or, maybe a dragon. But, uh…” he glances over to Spike, who was filing his claws. “A fully mature dragon.”

“If only we knew what turns into a dragon,” Sunset muttered.

“Dogs do,” Spike said, blowing on his claws. “I turned into a dog when I went through it. I was pretty cute, if I do say so myself.”

Sunset stood up and slowly looked at Applejack.

“What?”

“Applejack,” Sunset slowly said, smiling. “Can I ask you a huge favor?”

Meanwhile, back in the human world…

“You know,” Rainbow Dash said as she floated upside down in a sludge cocoon, her head the only visible part of her body. “This actually isn’t so bad.”

“My hair is rui-hi-hi-ined!” Rarity sobbed as tears smudged her mascara up her forehead.

All six of the humans that Sunset abandoned, er, that she tactically left behind, were encased in similar structures. As was the rest of the town, actually. The buildings were all covered in black goo. The streets were all covered in black goo. Every leaf on every branch of every tree was covered in black goo. The occasional car that still somehow drove by was covered in black goo, but thankfully for road safety, windshield wipers were strong enough to keep the black goo off of the glass. Black goo encompassed all, and seemed unrelenting in both its blackness and its gooiness. But really, it wasn’t that bad.

Suddenly from across town, a very loud barking was heard, and a jet of flame brightened the sky enough to make it almost look like daylight. Within moments, a huge brown dragon was breathing fire on every speck of black goo in sight. And riding that dragon was Sunset Shimmer herself.

“Heel, Wynona!” She cried, steering the beast. Upon closer inspection, the dragon had beady eyes and a lolling tongue hanging out the side of her mouth, a dopey grin plastered to her face. A white patch of scales at her belly contrasted with the darker ones in the rest of her body. And she was a very VERY good girl.

“What!?” The Pony of Shadows cried, bristling at the flame. “This is impossible! How could you know that my one weakness is fire!?”

“Because it’s FIRE!” She cried. “Fire is the weakness of almost everything that isn’t water!”

“No! Logic and reason! My other one weakness!” The Pony of Shadows began to melt as the fire coated his entire body. “I was supposed to be the coolest and edgiest antagonist that wasn’t in the comics! There was supposed to be an epic fight! I should have at least had some minor character development! I don’t wanna be relegated to just a footnote in a silly little three thousand word comedy ficlet! Nooooooooo!”

Eventually the fire burned away the impurities of the sludge, releasing the town and also the captured humans from their gooey bondage. Miraculously, the fire didn’t actually damage anyone or anything that wasn’t the Pony of Shadows himself. This was convenient for a variety of reasons, even if the reasons don’t make a lot of sense unless a bunch of magical jargon was thrown together at the last minute. But I don’t wanna do that. So uh. The fire was magic. Yeah. That works. Magic.

“That was awesome!” Rainbow Dash cried, pumping her fist in the air. “I never doubted you for a second Sunset!”

Sunset and Wynona landed at her feet, drawing all the girls to rub the dragon’s belly scales and tell her what a good girl she was.

“Can we keep her?” Fluttershy asked.

“Unfortunately no,” Sunset answered, sliding down the tail. “I have to bring her back to Applejack. Apparently she’s needed back at the farm for something. Maybe for herding sheep. Or something. I don’t know. I never worked on a farm and I never had reason to ask Applejack herself what exactly her dog does on the farm. But I figured the time to ask was not right then. I hope that nothing too bad happened while I was gone.”

“Eh, just a bunch of black goo.” Twilight scratched her head. “But what I wanna know is, what the heck was that all about?”

Sunset sighed. “Short answer is, unicorns are lazy bastards who would rather just shove evil things under the rug and then forget about them until they become someone else’s problem.”

“And the long answer?”

“Well it would probably take watching seven seasons of a televised serial in order to explain absolutely everything. I think the short answer is gonna have to suffice. Oh and by the way, Starlight Glimmer says hi.”

Twilight shrugged. “Okay, cool. So… What now?”

Sunset looked up at Wynona. “You know… I never exactly discussed with Applejack how long I was gonna borrow her for.” She slowly turned to face everyone. “Wanna ride the dragon?”

“HELL YEAH!” They all cried.

Everyone took turns riding Wynona around town.

It was super awesome.

/x/x/x/

Author's Note

for a fun little bit of trivia, it would be really funny if the Princess Twilight Sparkle from this fic and the Princess Twilight Sparkle from A Load Of Bouiderdash had switched places beforehand. it would make the tonal inconsistencies between their portrayals and the stakes in their respective fics make a lot more sense- but it’s funnier if they’re not quite attuned to their surroundings. at least to me. but I’m admitting right now that I only threw this together in an hour in one sitting as a palate cleanser before getting back to the next chapter of Cold. I’ve written so much dark brooding edgy dramatic crap in such a short time that I wanted to let loose, be silly, and have fun. this was written for me, but I share it in the hopes that it brings a smile to someone else’s face.