Forgive Yourself

by ponytaz

Rating: everyone
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, My Little Pony: The Movie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2574

Twilight has a lot to think about after her actions in the movie. Starlight offers some consolation.

After the events in the movie, Twilight still isn't sure about her actions. Feeling too many emotions she's not prepared to deal with, she searches through the library books to find an answer. When her friends make mistakes, she always forgives them. So why is forgiving herself any different? Starlight gives some advice.

(I've been writing fanfic for decades but this is my first attempt at a MLP fanfiction. )

Published 2017-11-05 08:40:12 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-05 08:40:12 UTC

Reflections

Emotions swelled to the surface. Twilight moved from tears one moment to grunts of frustration the next. Occasionally Twilight’s horn would spark just as it had when she yelled at Pinkie Pie on the beach.

Twilight reached for another book, willing the emotions away. She couldn’t help it. She felt hurt, confused, angry, mad, sad, shame, and so many more emotions she wasn’t even sure if a name existed for them all yet.

“I messed up big time.”

“No, I did what I had to do.”

Her eye twitched. Her mom told her it’d been her habit to talk to herself since she was a filly. Her parents had always assumed it was because she didn’t have friends, but stress always brought the habit back.

“It all worked out in the end. Everyone is safe.”

“No thanks to my actions.”

“I was trying to keep them safe.”

“By stealing from another nation! I could have gotten everyone killed.”

“But I didn’t. We all pulled through, together.”

“I should have trusted my friends.”

“It’s not like they haven’t failed to trust me before. It’ll be fine.”

She grabbed more books, quickly scanning each one before tosssing them onto the pile quickly accumulating on the floor. How could she have messed up so badly? Surely there was an answer somewhere. Someone had to understand her point of view. She had no choice. As a princess she was responsible for Equestria and not anywhere else. Was she really wrong?

The best way to survive is all alone. Tempest’s words swirled around her, consuming her.

“That’s not who we are.”

“I know. Celestia is furious with me.”

“She worked things out. The queen forgave me.”

“Only because we defeated the Storm King and an alliance makes sense. What if I’d failed?”

“Celestia signed me up for cultural sensitivity and diplomacy training.”

“So humiliating.”

“Maybe she has a point.”

“It’s not like nopony else has ever messed up before.”

“I didn’t just betray the Hippogriff’s trust. I betrayed my friends.”

Silence. She could not rebuttal the truth, even against herself.

“They forgave me,” she whispered softly.

“Trust and forgiveness are two different things.”

She drifted down to the library floor, coming to rest on a pile of books. Her wing glided over her face as she sobbed once more.

“Twilight?” Starlight Glimmer asked.

Twilight paused, at first not saying anything. She must have forgotten to lock the library door. How could she have been so stupid? Oh no! How much had Starlight heard?

“Enough to know you’re upset,” Starlight answered, her hoof coming to rest on Twilight’s mane.

Twilight’s horn sparked at the movement, surprising even herself. Everything felt so overwhelming right now. She just wanted to be alone.

“Looks to me like you need a friend,” Starlight said.

Great, Twilight realized, I’ve been talking aloud to her? Ugh.

For a moment, there was silence. Starlight shuffled next to Twilight. Another sob escaped despite Twilight’s best efforts not to cry.

“So, cultural sensitivity training, huh?”

“Can you please just go away?”

“Is that really what you want?”

Twilight paused, taking note of her tears and shaking hooves. “No.”

“I just came to check in on you. The others aren’t really telling me much, but they’re worried about you. Since you got back to Ponyville, Pinkie Pie says you’ve sent her so many sampler platters she can’t eat them all. I didn’t even know that was possible. Apple Jack says you’ve bought up all the apples she bucks before she can even try and sell them. Meanwhile, you’re hidden away in your castle and no one has seen you at all. Spike says you won’t talk to him and keep shooing him away.”

“I needed to be alone.”

“I thought maybe you’d like to talk to me. Maybe I can understand.”

Twilight curled further into a ball, her wings draping over her as a blanket. “I messed up big time, Starlight.”

“You? Not the Princess of Friendship. She can’t mess up.”

“Starlight!”

“Sorry, you said it like it was some big shocker or something. Of course you messed up. Everypony messes up at one point or another.”

Starlight helped Twilight to her hooves, clearing two chairs of books with her horn. Together the two sat in silence. Twilight hugged her hooves close to her body but made no other movement beyond the occasional sob.

After a few minutes, Starlight broke through the silence, “I’ve never seen you this upset. Is it really all that bad?”

“Worse.”

Hot chocolate floated close by, wrapped in Starlight’s green magic. Twilight reached for it with her horn but it sparked again, spilling the liquid on the floor. She could see the growing worry in Starlight as a towel drifted into the room surrounded by Starlight’s magic.

“I’m sorry. My horns been on the fritz ever since we returned. It’s never done this before.”

“Maybe this time with just with your hooves?” Starlight said, motioning toward a new cup of hot chocolate that had arrived. Twilight reached for it awkwardly, managing a few cautious sips before drinking it down in three swift gulps.

At last she drew in one deep breath and let out the truth. “I tried to steal from the Hippogriffs.”

“Steal? Like what, take a seashell?”

“No. Bigger. I…uh…I tried to take their magical pearl that was keeping them safe from the Storm King so I could use it myself to save Equestria even knowing I could be dooming all of the hippogriffs.”

“Ah. Hence cultural sensitivity and diplomacy training?”

“Exactly.”

“So everyone thinks you were in the wrong but you’re not so sure?”

“I am a princess. I have to protect my ponies above everypony else.”

“That’s a big load to carry.”

“Exactly! But if I hadn’t tried stealing, everything would have turned out okay. Pinkie and the others were on the verge of a diplomatic solution but I was too busy scheming to realize it and…”

“And?”

“And I didn’t trust them. They’d messed everything up so much already! Pinkie and her loudness. Rainbow Dash and her rainbooms. They could have gotten us all killed before we had a chance to help any pony!”

Another flash escaped from Twilight’s horn. With so many emotions within her, her system didn’t know what to do but lash out with magic.

Shock flashed across Starlight’s face, but it quickly passed leaving Twilight to fill in the details. Shock at the fact Twilight schemed? Shock at the fact she didn’t trust her friends when she was the princess of friendship? Shock at how Twilight couldn’t control her own magic? For Celestia’s sake, she was such a mess!

“Go on,” Starlight prodded.

“Celestia says I never should have considered stealing, especially from allies that had welcomed us into their home, but I don’t know what else I was supposed to do.

“Was I just supposed to sit there and let all of Equestria remain enslaved? Those are my ponies!

“I’ve been trying to find justification in all of these books but nowhere does it say which choice I should have made! There’s a few places where it says I’m supposed to value all civilizations, not just my own. Then there are others that say a princess must do everything she can to protect her ponies. There’s supposed to be one simple answer but no one can agree.”

“It may not be the same thing but when I stole an entire village of cutie marks, I thought I was doing the best for them. I thought I was bringing them a better life free of division. I know now I was wrong but at the time I was convinced I was right.”

“So you’re saying I was wrong?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? I’m not a princess. I can’t even imagine the choices you have to make and the burdens you have to bear. It’s not so easy.”

“At least you admit that.”

“It’s still not like you.”

“The world out there, it’s hard. I think it got to me. I started believing we were all out for ourselves. Just like Tempest thought.”

She’d hated that cage and herself but she didn’t hate Tempest. As Tempest described her view, Twilight understood that she’d been thinking the same. Give up your sweet fantasy land. It’s time to grow up and get wise.

Twilight shook the memory away but it remained.

The best way to survive is all alone.

No. She didn’t believe that. Friends made her stronger. Friends helped her through this. Tempest eventually saw and understood what Twilight knew—should have known—all along: Together we are stronger.

“Everyone who helped us at the end, that was because of my friends. We got help from a ponynapper because Rarity showed him generosity and friendship. Pirates helped us because Rainbow Dash showed them to be loyal to who they are. Pinkie’s laughter and joy helped the hippogriffs see they should trust us. I should have just trusted them but I didn’t. I didn’t trust my friends.”

Twilight didn’t hear Starlight get up, but a hoof fell on her mane once more. This time Twilight reached up and patted it gently. Already she could feel her body—and her horn—settling down. She wondered if she’d been talking aloud again without meaning to.

“Sounds like the Princess of Friendship learned an important friendship lesson.”

Twilight shuffled as another cup of hot chocolate appeared. This one she sipped slowly, turning it cautiously with her magic. She focused on the marshmallows, trying desperately not to look up.

“There’s more,” she mumbled.

“Really? More? Wow. Go on.”

“I used Pinkie and the others for distraction without telling them what I was doing. They weren’t changed by the world like I was. They couldn’t see what I could and I knew they wouldn’t approve. So I used them.”

Twilight waited for a response but none came. At last she glanced up to see Starlight staring off into the distance. Pondering. Probably thinking Twilight had no business being the Princess of Friendship. Maybe she was right.

“Are you even listening?” Twilight snapped.

“Sorry. Thinking. It’s just that I never would have expected it of you.”

“So everypony keeps saying. What? I’m not allowed to make mistakes? I have to forgive everypony but no pony has to forgive me? Is that it?”

Her horn sparked angrily, the empty cup of chocolate dropping to the ground. Twilight wasn’t sure why she was yelling but she knew she wanted an equally heated response from Starlight.

Starlight didn’t take the bait, however. She answered slowly and calmly, “They forgave you. You said it yourself.”

“Right. They did. I just…I don’t know.”

“It sounds to me like the real problem is that you aren’t forgiving yourself.”

Twilight drew a deep breath, desperate to keep another tear from falling. “I don’t know how to. It’s so much easier to forgive someone else. They abandoned me out there and that’s why Tempest was able to take me. Just like they abandoned me in Canterlot when Chrysalis posed as Cadence. I forgave them each time despite how much it hurt but I can’t seem to forgive myself.”

“I know. I’m still working on it.”

“You are?”

“Of course. After everything I did, you all just forgave me and you took me in and offered me friendship lessons. It meant so much. But the truth is that I still have nightmares about it all. I still think back to everything I did and all those ponies that I hurt. Forgiveness isn’t easy.”

Twilight nodded. “I’m glad someone understands. So what do I do now?”

“Make amends. Do the best you can. Don’t let your past define who you are today.”

“Wise advice.”

“I had a good teacher.”

They exchanged brief smiles but soon silence crept into the room once again. A fourth cup of hot chocolate arrived, this time gliding down by Twilight’s haunches where it sat untouched.

“They don’t trust me.”

“Obviously.”

“Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be helping me feel better? That’s not helping!”

“Look. I’m sure they mostly trust you. You have all been through a lot together and they know friends make mistakes. However, trust is earned. If you broke that trust, you have to work to fix it. It doesn’t just fix itself when they forgive you.”

“I know. I just wish I knew how.”

“Sampler platters probably won’t do the trick.”

“I know.”

“Wow, I never really saw myself giving you advice on this. It’s weird.”

“Starlight, please, just…don’t. I feel bad enough as it is.”

Twilight wished her ears wouldn’t fall back so easily, quickly betraying her emotions to any pony else.

Starlight smiled lightly and Twilight felt slightly better. “You have the most forgiving and trusting group of friends I have ever met. Believe me, they’ll help you make it right.”

“You really still have nightmares about it all?”

“Of course. I like to think it means I’m becoming a better pony. I can see what I did was wrong and I feel bad so that’s better than where I was.”

“There’s still more,” Twilight admitted, curling deeper into a ball.

“Wow. When you mess up you really mess up.”

“I know! It’s so awful. I’m so awful. I yelled at Pinkie. I told her I’d be better off if I didn’t have friends like her. Everypony was so angry and we were all yelling and I was so mad my horn sparked.”

“You really said that? Aloud?”

“You don’t have to sound so joyful about it!”

“Sorry. It’s just you six always get along so well it’s good to know you have troubles just like everypony else. I need to see that sometimes.”

“But I feel awful! I can’t believe I said that to her. You should have seen her ears. I’ve never seem them flopped so low. She was mad, too. She said she couldn’t even talk to me. They left me so they could cool down and I just cried. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t think they meant to abandon me there but I felt so alone and scared.”

“Wow. That’s really a lot to take in.”

“I don’t know how to feel all of this, Starlight. I feel like I’m going to implode with all of this hurt and anger.” As if on cue, her horn sparked again. She really needed to get control of it again, if only she could just calm down. “Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel.”

“Sometimes I wish that way, too. We all have bad days.”

“This is a little more than just a bad day.”

“True, but you’ll still get past this.” Starlight reached in, pulling Twilight into a hug. “We’ll work through this together.”

“Thank you,” Twilight whispered, feeling her body relax. She felt better, more in control. One step at a time, she told her herself.

“You ready to talk to the others? They’re really worried.”

“Maybe in a few. I just need to gather my thoughts.”

“Sure, no problem. I’ll give you some space and be back in a few. Okay?”

“Thanks.”

Twilight watched as Starlight left, closing the door behind her.

“It’s going to be okay,” she told herself. This time she didn’t argue. She felt her magic relax as her muscles loosened. Maybe friendship wasn’t easy but at least she didn’t have to face the darkness on her own.

Author's Note

Italics are lyrics from the movie.