Author's Note
i wrote this when i was in a bad state. i suffer from ptsd, and so i wanted to write about one of my favorite characters (applejack), who i headcanon would also have ptsd. there are so gorey details in this, but it’s not too heavy (ps let me add bright mac and pear butter as characters pls)
Feeling Helpless
There are nights where it is dreadful. Dreadful as in “please let morning come already”. Nights for Applejack were usually pleasant, and even better when she was with Rarity. However, tonight was one of the worst nights she's had in a long time.
It was dark, but the moonlight made the scenery somewhat visible. It was cold and windy as well–the leaves from the trees rustled, making a loud resemblance of a ghostlike spirit. Applejack realized she was in the Everfree Forest, but she doesn't remember how she got there. Staying on the main path, she began to follow her way back into the countryside, where the barn was. Suddenly, faint whispering blew across the winds, grabbing the farmer's attention.
“W-Who's there?” She tried to be stern, but only came off as startled.
With no clear answer, the whispers only died down. Though, to be safe, Applejack looked around for anypony who could be around. Usually, she's not scared by the nature of this particular forest, since she's used to them. But something about this felt eerie–like as if the place was haunted.
Thud! She jumped at the sudden noise, immediately tensing up. After a few moments, she regained her strength to creep over to the area where the thud emanated from. A big tree had fallen down, but that wasn't it. Groaning had came from under the fallen log, and instinctively, she went to go help whoever was in trouble. A few seconds later, sudden lightning had struck from the ground, hitting the dead tree. Soon, a fire started, which rapidly expanded. Applejack covered her neck with her forelegs, shaking tremendously. Realizing the smell of fire, she rose up, mentally panicking. She looked over at the tree, seeing two bodies that were stuck under the tree.
She froze, unable to move despite the fire now spreading faster than before. Tears had begun to roll down her cheeks before she could stop them, as she stuttered to find the right words.
“M… My p-parents?” Her stomach then felt queasy, and she wanted to throw up. She walked up closer, wary of the fire surrounding the tree.
There lie her parents, crushed by the weight of the tree and the fire engulfing them. More tears came through, as she stood there, thinking of a way to help her parents out. She started hyperventilating, feeling a panic attack coming on, her heart beating fast. For the first time since about ten years, Applejack felt hopeless and devastated. She continued to sob uncontrollably, not caring if the fire swallowed her as well. Thunder boomed from the sky, and a second later, the rain came pouring in. It immediately became heavy, which put out the fire.
Hesitating, she looked up again, seeing that the fire was gone. This was her chance to go help them. Unfortunately, neither were moving, as they remained carcasses. The rain began to wash off their skin, making holes with each drop, as well as their manes and tails coming apart. Their skin was torn by the rain, revealing the red and pink muscles that hid inside. Blood poured out in a trail, which followed to the nearest river. She watched as the rain slowly took apart their organs, intestines, eyeballs, muscles, and other parts of their bodies. Some of the organs nearly touched Applejack’s hooves, but she was too shocked to move away. This felt like hours, which in reality only took as much as five minutes.
Only their skeletons remained. Everything else was washed away by the rain, and it lead to the river. Immediately, the rain began to soften, and a clearer view was possible. Applejack began to hyperventilate once more, not sure how to react. She felt like she could burst at any moment, and she felt the hot tears fall once more. Another thud came from one of the skeletons, as the skull fell off. With that, she cried out, and everything blackened.
A loud gasp emanated from the Earth pony, jolting up from her bed. She darted her eyes around, seeing that the environment had changed. She was back in her room, in her own bed. Looking over, she saw another pony with her, which caused her to nearly jump in surprise. Luckily, it was only Rarity, as she remembered that she was staying over here with her.
That feeling began to rise, and Applejack felt like she was suffocating. Taking deep breathes, she told herself to calm down, in hopes her mind would listen. Of course, her thoughts had failed her, and she began to cry. She felt guilty, for not helping her parents, for being a complete idiot standing there.
Rarity heard noises, which slowly awakened her. A bit annoyed, she searched for the source that awoke her, only for her feelings to change. Her girlfriend was in fetal position, her long hair in a tangled mess as her bangs covered most of her face. She was vibrating, and was quietly mumbling something the unicorn couldn't make out. Concerned, Rarity began to stroke her mane, embracing her close.
Applejack's eyes widened, becoming quiet. She didn't realize she woke up Rarity, and felt even more guilty.
“Oh,” she tensed up, unable to face her girlfriend. “Sorry.”
Her apology was barely above a whisper, yet Rarity heard it, and hushed her.
“Do not be sorry,” she commanded almost harshly, but her expression immediately softened.
“B-But I woke y-ya up,” her voiced cracked, feeling fresh tears building up.
“Applejack, look at me,” She demanded. Applejack obeyed, slowly turning and looked above at Rarity, She held her tight, but Rarity didn't seem to mind.
“You are absolutely more important than my needs, always. Please, if you can, tell me what's wrong, I only want what's best for you, and I want to help you anyway I can. Don't ever be sorry for how you feel, darling.”
Applejack couldn't speak, as she was processing what she said. She buried her face into the warmth of Rarity’s chest, and quietly sobbed. She wasn't necessarily sad, but rather felt comfort in being emotional in front of her girlfriend. On the other hoof, she felt small and vulnerable, because she rarely showed these types of emotions around anypony. And now Rarity has seen her at her lowest, she hoped she didn't see her as anything less.
Rarity held her, not saying anything else. She gently placed her chin on top of her head, stroking her mane once more. She began to hum softly, in hopes of calming down her lover. It seemed to work, as her sobbing eventually came to a stop. Looking up again, Rarity smiled at her, which made Applejack feel better, returning a small smile.
Taking a deep breath, she began to tell her about her nightmare, taking around ten minutes as she struggled to explain the details. Fortunately, Rarity was patient with her, listening and comforting her when she needed it. She had already known about the situation with her parents, in fact, her friends knew. She tried to understand as she listened to her story, though she couldnt relate to her traumatic situatuon. As she finished, she grew quiet again, leaning her forehead against her fur. She was angry with herself for feeling like this, and that it happened now, despite it happening all those years ago. Applejack thought she was over this, she hasn't had a panic attack in years. The only time she ever cried was when she was happy, other than that, she never dared let anything out.
“This isn't your fault, love,” Rarity suddenly spoke, with Applejack looking up. “It wasn't your fault then, and it isn't your fault now.”
Remaining silent, she knew that Rarity was right. Of course, she isn't the first pony to tell her that. In fact, Granny Smith has told her this for years, and she believed her every time. She hasn't been this upset about her parents in at least ten years. For this dream to suddenly show up and taunt her freaked Applejack out.. Each dream about her parents death, it was always a different setting, but there always a key element in them all: fire.
Fire was what killed her parents. Though her dreams may not be an accurate display on their deaths, it's enough for Applejack to remember exactly how it happened. She still remembered how it happened all those years ago, with Applebloom only being around a few months old. Luckily, she didn't seem to remember any of it, but she was told enough stories to be remorseful.
Big Mac, being the oldest, had the most memories of their parents, besides Granny. When Applejack was younger, he'd tell her stories about their parents; what they were like before she was born. Unfortunately, when her parents died, she had forgotten some of those memories due to the traumatic experience. There were a few times where she would see a counselor during school. For a while, she had even isolated herself from her friends and family. She couldn't help but blame herself for her parent's death, despite everyone telling her it wasn't her fault. Eventually, she grew out of that, and seemed to have moved on. But every once in awhile, those memories would come and haunt her, and it often ended up badly. Once, it was bad enough that she attempted suicide by hanging herself with some old rope. But luckily Big Mac was there before she almost did any real damage to herself. She was still hospitalized due to self harm on her legs, and she regretted everything.
But this time, Rarity was there with her, listening and comforting her. If she wasn't there, she wouldn't know what she would have done by now. What also helped is that she was patient with her; when sometimes other ponies didn't have the time to spare. Yet she couldn't help but be sorry. Rarity really wanted to rest earlier, she kept complained about it when they got to the barn. Applejack couldn't blame her, she has been working on her order for days now, and barely got enough sleep. Luckily, she had just finished earlier today, and Applejack suggested they'd go out and celebrate.
Now here they were, with Applejack a wet mess and a sweet and caring girlfriend with her. She felt as her girlfriend lightly stroked her back, and kissing her forehead.
“You are brave, my dear,” she encouraged her, “you've come so far, and I'm proud of you. Your friends and family are proud as well. And I know for a fact that your parents are proud of you, too.”
Still not able to speak, her stomach grew fuzzy inside, and a light blush crept on her face. Usually, she'd tried to hide that fact her cheeks were pink, but instead she let it be.
“You are still recovering, and sometimes your feelings will get the best of you, but it's all apart of recovery. You are not considered weak for feeling this way, never. It's natural, and you should never hold them in, it's simply unhealthy. And if you can, you can try and talk to me, or anypony, about them. We all care about you, Applejack, and we only want what's best for you, and we want to help you heal.”
Applejack now had a warm feeling inside. A smile formed, and her happy tears rolled down her cheeks. She felt so lucky to have someone like Rarity, who wasn't in the slightest upset with her. Instead, she wanted to help her with her problems, no matter how bad it may seem. Wiping her tears away, she lightly kissed around her white chest, causing Rarity to giggle. She reached up head level with her, leaning in slowly, and her girlfriend closed the gap. It felt good to let out all her feelings, and having your girlfriend love and care for you.
Rarity moved her hoof to move away her blonde bangs away from her face, kissing her forehead. As she lead a trail of kisses down to her nose, she noticed that her beloved was comfortable and happy, which made her happy.
“Ah love you,” Applejack started, bringing her hoof to gently caress Rarity's cheek. “So much, y'all don't even know.”
She giggled at that, and placed her hoof on top of Applejack's, leaning in as much to where their noses touched.
“I think I have an idea on how much you love me,” Rarity smiled, then forming a devilish grin. “But do you know how much I love you?”
With that, she began to peck her cheeks, aiming for each freckle on both sides. Though, it was hard to tell where they were since Applejack’s cheeks turned red. Her laughter gradually became louder, as kisses tickled her against her neck. In fear of waking up her family members, she tried to keep her volume to a minimum.
“Feeling better, I presume?” Rarity asked after she stopped her kissing fest, receiving an eye roll from Applejack.
“Yeah, I’d say so,” she said, suddenly feeling sleepy from her emotional rollercoaster. “‘M mighty sorry ‘bout all this..”
“Please, no more apologies, darling,” she hugged her from behind, playing with her long hair. “I'm always happy to try and help you out. You've helped me so much, it's the least I can do.”
“Thank ya s’much, Rares,” Applejack felt so grateful, better than she was thirty minutes ago. She was now content, but also very tired.
“No worries, my love,” she was already falling asleep, laying her head on top of her soft mane. “You may consider.. taking the day off tomorrow, hm?”
Applejack hesitated at first; taking days off wasn't something she liked to do unless it was a holiday. But then again, she would be too tired to work tomorrow, not to mention that she's emotionally drained. Resting her eyes, she let the warmth of her girlfriend’s body guide her to sleep.
“‘Kay..” she mumbled, and dozed off to sleep, with Rarity shorty afterwards.
For the rest of the night, the farmer’s slumber was peaceful. In her mind, she knew everything will be alright, as her friends and family loved her, and she loved them. And with Rarity to help her face her challenges, it made life worth living for.
