The Crystal Empire.
The most coldest country yet warmest people you would ever come across. Homes made of marvellous crystal gems, fairs filled with joy and love and grand games for all ages to enjoy.
By day it is one of the most remarkable place to visit. Always hitting at the top for best tourist attraction in all of Equestria, this year being its seventh time. By night, it's still remains remarkable. But most people either venture out to the countryside to see the stars or go to sleep in their cosy warm beds.
The Crystal Castle was by far the most bedazzling building within the empire. Its ever pretty structure was constantly being bombarded by cameras from tourists and is also the place where ponies from all over Equestria, could see the mighty Crystal Heart that protects the empire through its subjects's love.
This mainly happens in the day though. Seeing that most ponies only want to see the castle and the royal family that lives inside it at when the sunlight shines over it. At night, the royal crystal guards keeps watch over it and the heart from unwanted intruders.
But they normally keep their eyes focused down on the ground or its surroundings. They never ever look up.
Which is good for one person, who was climbing the castle's very walls on one fateful night.
That would be Theodore Whitgaze. A human in his twenties and in the prime of his time, prime being his muscles and his job. You see, Theodore is what you may call a seller of knowledge, a owner of valuable facts. Or for those who are blunt as a rock, an Information-Broker. Meaning he gets paid for gathering important informations to give to his clients, those being a rival restaurant's family recipe or in this case:
Information to use against his client's enemies when the time for vengeance is right. That's the oversimplified version of what his newest client wants him to get. Theodore hasn't got a problem with that, he just wants to get paid for his service. But when that client goes rambling about her origin story and the motivation of why she wants Theodore, it kinda active his daydreaming cycle. Where he just turns off and let the boring info get drowned out by his mind's playlist of music. Kinda odd for his professional line of work, seeing that it is his job to get info.
His client was some kind of weird hybrid between a pony and bug. She had some long name but Theodore noticed that she had holes in her legs and with a awkward burst of laughter followed by a slap to his face, he nicknamed her Hole-Legs. But in his mind that is, he didn't want another slap. However, Hole-Legs was offering him a massive bag of coins if he could find valuable information about the royals within the Crystal Empire and their offspring.
And that's why he's here, climbing up the crystal walls like he was rock climbing. To get some juicy info, give it to Hole-Legs, get bag of coins and spend it on a nice holiday on some sun kissed tropical island paradise for a whole month.
Theodore was surprised at how easy this was turning out to be. You see, it was harder for him to get onto the train that was heading for the Crystal Empire, looking like a ninja dressing up like a comic book hero without getting caught than it was climbing up the crystal walls without getting seen. Sometimes Theodore thought he was heading into a trap laid out by the local guards. But with the odd report of someone stealing a guard's sweetroll, all was quiet and peaceful during his climb.
Regardless, Theodore climbed those crystal walls like it was a normal midnight rock climbing session. The walls were layered out oddly and weirdly, it was almost like it was made for climbing rather than defending.
"So people from all over Equestria comes to see this crappy crystal building?" Theodore said in his mind as he was halfway towards reaching his goal. That being the balcony that'll give him easy entrance and where all the good info are hiding. "Seriously I mean, you could go to eat in a five star restaurant in Canterlot or even go to visit the town of Ponyville which has their own brand new castle?"
Theodore wasn't much for tourism, mainly because he gets everything for free when he's on the job. Now some may call it stealing, but Theodore doesn't steal... He swaps. Takes a strawberry, leaves a grape. Takes a bottle of apple cider, leaves a bottle of water. Takes a thousand year old painting of the Equestrian Royal Family before the Banishment of Princess Luna, leaves a photo of a shaky image of a Yak Prince chasing down the photographer who looked awfully like a certain Information-Broker.
Theodore Whitgaze decided to take a quick break, to just catch his breath and to look at the view. Now Theodore may not be a man for tourism, but that doesn't mean he hates seeing some pretty nice views. The view of the city was just awesome for Theodore, especially with the many lovely stars accompanying the huge moon. It was breathtaking and Theodore wanted to keep that view. So with one hand, he opened his small bag that contained many objects. But the one he was looking for was his camera. He rumbled through the bag but couldn't find it, much to Theodore's disappointment.
He sulked before shrugging his shoulders. "That's the last time I leave the house without checking my bag"
With that, Theodore ventured on with his climbing. "But anyway. I should really find the person who thought it was a good idea to make this wall. Some creep could easily enter the castle without being noticed"
As if Theodore just insulted the god of jinxes, just when he was about to grab another crystal to hold onto. It just snapped off the wall and nearly took Theodore with it. Shitting himself, Theodore quickly regain his balance and held on the wall for dear life. He held like that for a few moments before calming down and return climbing.
"Reprogramming. I should really find the person who thought it was a good idea to make this wall. Some creep could of easily died trying to enter the castle without being noticed"
Theodore continued with his climb until he finally reached the balcony. He first made sure the coast was clear before climbing over said balcony and accidentally flopped down onto the cold floor, back first.
"Shit" Theodore whispered through his mask as he laid there looking at the night sky. With the realisation that he managed to climb up a castle wall and made it. Theodore punched the air with his two fists in victory.
After that moment, Theodore Whitgaze got up from the floor and rolled to the nearest wall. Theodore saw that there was a large door that leads into some kind of room. What kind of room he would have to find out. Carefully and quietly, Theodore searched through his bag to grab some lockpicks to use to unlock the door.
"Magic fingers, don't fail me now" Theodore said to himself as he knelt down and began the delicate artwork of Lockpicking.
The first one broke in seconds.
"Shit"
The second broke seconds later after the demise of the first.
"Fuck me"
The third however wasn't like the others. It broke in exactly one minute, crushing Theodore's hope as it was so close.
Theodore Whitgaze was on the burning point. "Mother-"
He cut midway of his foulness when he noticed something was odd with how the door was locked. Theorising, Theodore slowly reached the doorknob and turned it.
The door opened ever so slowly, much to Theodore's shock and baffled stare. He looked at the doorknob, then to his broken lockpicks. Then to the doorknob, then to his broken lockpicks. Then to the doorknob, then to his broken lockpicks. He did this several times.
"What the fuck is up with their security!?" Theodore shouted in his mind at how terrible this was. "Do they want an assassin to come in and stab their royals!? A-Are they planning a coup or something!? What the fuck!?"
With that little mental rant about the bad security. Theodore slowly and stealthily entered the room.
The room Theodore entered was a bedroom. Inside were curtains, nightstands, a big mirror and of course, a big bed. It was quite a large bedroom, much be either a guest chamber or even....
*Snores*
Theodore turned to the direction of that monstrous sound in the darkness of the bedroom. The source of the sound came from a pony that was sleeping in the most weirdest position one could sleep in. The head was sandwiched between two soft pillows with the snort poking out of the corner to allow that demonic snore to attack Theodore's ears. Both wings were stretched out as wide as they could, to which the human blushed as he read a book about what this mean and it wasn't something you should tell your kids until they were much older. But what stuck out the most was that this pony's flank was pointing up in the air, which overall to the other body parts, made this pony look like a pony-tent. Theodore tried his best to hold back from laughing, to which only a quiet snicker came out.
"That's one way of sleeping" Theodore whispered to himself as he watched the pony. "If only I had my camera with me, that would be excellent information for Hole-Legs"
As he looked at the pony, he couldn't deny the perfectness of this pony's flank. By the way its shaped and how smooth and plump it was, no doubt this was a mare. A big booty one at that. Theodore's head tilted to one side, to allow some moonlight to lighten up around the flank as if it was a relic worthy of the Gods above.
However, as if it had a mind of its own, Theodore's left hand slapped him right across his face. Taken back by surprise, both from the sudden pain and the fact that his hand was somehow sentient for the moment. Theodore shook his head.
"Alright Theodore Whitgaze! You got a job to do, so get to it!"
Thus, Theodore began his quest to get any info he could to sell to Hole-Legs. He does this by doing his iconic sneak movement he calls: The Mantis-March. That being having his hands out like mantis and moving the legs like you're marching in a platoon of guards. Do this quietly and no one will be any the wiser. Theodore has done this for nearly a whole year and he honestly believes that this technique was the only reason why he hasn't been caught yet.
"Okay, little info" Theodore said in his mind as he headed to the nearest nightstand. "Come to Uncle Whitgaze"
He opened the nightstand's drawer, trying not to wake up the pony right next to it, snoring herself to oblivion. He opened the first drawer...Only to find something that you should never show to little kids.
With the most blankest face Theodore could muster, he closed the drawer. "Umm, TMI. Definitely TMI right there"
Theodore Mantis-Marched away from that sinful nightstand next to the snoring naughty mare....Backward.
Once he was a few feet away from the bed. Theodore headed to the bigger drawer that had the mirror resting on top of it with many thingamabobs like makeups and that sort of stuff.
"Let's hope this one doesn't hold anything too foul" Theodore prayed silently as he searched through the drawer. Nothing but organised clothes and a little tiara that a princess would wear. Theodore was about to call quit on this drawer as he raided through this pony's clothes. That was until he found a book hidden underneath a pair of blue socks. The book was pink with the word diary written in big bold yellow colour.
Theodore's eyes widened in delight. "Jackpot~!"
Now, Theodore is not a man that you should tell secrets to. After all, if someone was willingly to pay him, he would sell that info without any guilt. So someone's personal diary, is a bonus pay in his eyes.
Making sure to not make any sound. Theodore took out the diary and opened it on a random page. "Time for some good shit"
Dear Diary.
Today is my eighteen birthday and my party was EPIC~!!!
"Good, she's legal" Theodore's other self said in his mind, much to real Theodore's disgust. "What the fuck brain?"
Mom and Dad invited everyone of my family, even great aunty Celestia and Luna came. Even though I love them all, there wasn't a lot of my friends that made it. I mean, I know I'm the princess of the Crystal Empire. But I'm still their friend and I made it to their birthday parties
"Wait a sec?" Theodore muttered to himself with some confusion. He looked at the snoring pony, whose wings are still straight as a pole. "This is Princess Flurry Heart?"
With this knowledge, Theodore looked to the door he entered from and then to the princess with his mouth opened under his mask.
"What the fuck?! So her parents did not lock her balcony door? What shit parenting! What if I was hired to assassinate her?! That would make my job much easier, I'll tell you that!"
With a disappointed shake of his head. Theodore went on with reading Flurry's diary, this time moving to another random page.
Dear Diary
Have you heard about this species known as humans? My goodness, their males are so hot and so handsome. Just thinking about one of them makes my marehood tremble
Theodore arched his head away from the diary after reading that sentence. "Okay. On one hand, that's flattering to know that she likes humans. On the other, that's kinda creepy to write down"
They say that human males can last three times longer than the avenge stallion. Can you believe it?! THREE! TIMES! That's like nearly a whole hour if not two and that's not even mentioning their 'juice-seeds' and how much they can give
"What the fuck?!" Theodore shouted out loud in disgust from this information. Thank goodness he was wearing his mask and that the princess's snores was twice more louder than his shout. Otherwise, Theodore would of given away his location and presence within the princess's room to the guards.
Nevertheless, Theodore regained his strength and stomach so that he could continue with his reading of Flurry's diary. Much to his dismay and discomfort.
If I ever meet a human, I would at first try and gain his trust. Go on some dates and such to finally buck him like there is no tomorrow. I even got some special toys to use on that day.
"Okay that's it!" Theodore proclaimed his limit as he shut the diary, looking at the snoring princess. He then threw the book right at Flurry's perfect flank, making it jiggle like jelly. Even though he was grossed out, he had to admit that was a nice shot.
"Huh? Wha...?" Flurry muttered sleepily and surprisingly. Her narrowed eyes looked at her diary, then to the one that threw the book at her. She grabbed her blanket in fright. "Ah! Who are you?! What are you doing in here?!"
"Who the fuck writes 'Juice-seeds' for semen?!" Theodore said, rubbing his eyes to vainly remove what he read. "Seriously?! You're eighteen now and you can't even say cum?! Also, why didn't you lock you balcony door?! I could of been a real freak like those locked up in prisons and you made me lose three perfect lockpicks I could of used to break into the gift shop of which I'm thinking of going to next!"
"I eh....What?"
Suddenly, the sound of hooves heading towards Flurry's room could be heard, to which both human and princess looked at the door.
Theodore raised his hands up as he Mantis-Stomped towards the balcony door. "Fuck it! I'm out!"
As he was about to exit, he heard Flurry called to him. "Hey, umm? D-Do you think you could stay and m-maybe go out when I tell my dad to let you out of the dungeon?"
"I'm not your fuck-buddy, princess!" Theodore declined, walking onto the balcony and was readying himself to climb down the castle wall again. "And lock the fucking door!"
With that, Theodore Whitgaze descended down the wall in a quick pace. "Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope...!"
Theodore Whitgaze made it back home without getting caught by the local guards. He was sitting down in front of his desk, with a snow globe that had the Crystal Castle inside and a blank paper to write down every information for Hole-Legs. He rested one hand on his head whilst the other held a quill, tapping it on the desk in a steady rhythm. Theodore thought carefully on what to write down, the lack of time and his outbursts kinda dropped his whole purpose of being there in the first place.
Nonetheless, he gathered all the informations he got and wrote it down on the blank paper.
'The Princess's Daughter really needs to get laid.
T.W'
"Yep that'll do" Theodore said victoriously as he leaned back onto his chair.
"That'll be the last thing I write before Hole-Legs strangles me to death..."
A human in his twenties and in the prime of his time, has royally fucked up his chance of a massive bag of coins. All because of Flurry Heart's fetish of his kind....
... Of which, Theodore is oddly getting second thoughts about his decline.
Author's Note
For some reason, this idea just came to me and I don't even know why.
Tell me what you think and I hoped you enjoyed it.
