Celestia Wants Fried Chicken

by TechnoNerd

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1122

What's a Princess to do when she hungers for (chicken) flesh?

Celestia suddenly finds herself with a craving. Not for power, not for domination, but for chicken.

And no, she doesn't want to surround herself with the squawking imbeciles.

SHE WANTS TO C̷̥̝̲̭̼̫̭̽̉O̶͎̬̬̽̈ͯ̚N̺̹ͬ́͝S̘̖͖̩̯̳̤̐͑͛̋̊͒U̧̙̝͖̥͇̲̩̦͋́̔ͮ̃ͪ̎̋ͦ͢Ṃ̠͚͍ͬ̓͑̉̅͂̀̚͡͞E̓̇̊ͮ̽ͨ̚͝͏̙͓̯̳.̡ͦ͏͙ THEM.

Unfortunately, this goal turns out to be harder to obtain than she expected.

Obvious trollfic is obvious.

Published 2017-11-11 02:40:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-11 02:40:11 UTC

Celestia attempts to acquire breaded fried chicken carcasses.

Celestia stared unamused at the pitifully tiny pile of leaves that was her lunchtime salad.

The very thought of eating something besides the rabbit food before her made her mouth water.

And somewhere, deep within her mind, Discord's voice beckoned towards her...

THE POWER OF CHICKEN COMPELS YOU!

And just like that, Celestia's mind was made up. She desired nothing but a savory bucket of fried chicken. Preferably with a corn cob and some biscuits. She didn't have a particularly memorable past experience with potatoes.

THE POWAH OF CHICKY-CHICK COMPELLERINOS YE!

Okay, okay... Celestia thought as she brushed off Discord's mental presence, Geez. All I want is something appetizing.

Discord reappeared before Celestia, tipping a bowler hat. "Very well then." he murmured, backing off into and through a wall. "And all I wanted was some fried chicken, but now it's you that wants it! Ha!"

Celestia frowned, realizing that she very much indeed now craved fried chicken. Even if it was originally Discord messing with her mind.

A nearby guard coughed awkwardly, pretending not to notice anything besides the very unexciting view of the pillar he stood beside.

"So where do you think we can get some fried chicken?" Celestia asked, strolling into Luna's room.

Luna replied with a grunt, her eyes trained on an enemy tank that was currently getting uncomfortably close to her in-game character's base.

"Oh no you don't, MuffinCake37!" the alicorn suddenly blurted, rapidly spamming on her gamepad as a barrage of bullets and miscellaneous artillery began bombarding the tank.

A fiery explosion filled the screen as the tank seemingly collapsed in on itself.

"Hello?" Celestia called, waving a hoof in front of Luna's face.

"YEAH!" Luna shouted, smacking her sister's face with the gamepad, "SUCK MY--"

"Luna." Celestia replied sternly, cutting her sister off, "You don't even have one."

Luna smirked slyly. "That's what you think..." she purred, summoning a banana from the kitchen.

Celestia made a face in confusion, and likely mild shock.

"Sister, are you saying--"

"No." Luna replied, "I haven't stated anything. Simply suggested..."

Celestia facehoofed. "Now, about the fried chicke--"

"I don't think there's any place in Canterlot that sells meat." Luna flatly stated, peeling the banana.

Celestia silently flew off disgruntled, leaving a shattered window in her wake.

Darnit, Grubber, she mused, why did you eat all the cake???

"Hello." Celestia stated as she landed before Applejack, "I would like one of your finest chickens for the frying, please."

Applejack frowned. "We ain't got no chickens on this here farm, Princess. Ah've told you before already, we sell apples here, not poultry."

Celestia scowled, and took off, leaving a very confused appul pone in her wake.

"Hello, Princess." A deep voice called out as Celestia walked the empty streets of post-sunset Canterlot.

Celestia nodded towards the unseen voice. "Why, hello to you too."

"Would you be interested in some--" the voice paused for a moment as the stallion it belonged to stepped into the moonlight, flinging open the interior of his trenchcoat. "--chicken?"

"Why, yes." Celestia replied, mildly surprised by the assortment of various meal sizes and drinks contained within the trenchcoat's interior.

Pointing a hoof at the largest bucket of surprisingly-hot fried chicken, Celestia continued, "How much for your largest bucket?"

"Five-ninety nine, not counting tax." the fried-chicken dealer replied.

Celestia frowned. "Screw taxes," she replied, "I'm the buckin' Princess of Equestria."

The alicorn handed the stallion an entire bag of bits summoned from the treasury, taking in return the large 12-piece bucket of chicken. Gaping in amazement, the stallion proceeded to dump his trenchcoat of chicken and take off with the literal moneybag.

"Wait!" Celestia called out to her unnamed dinnertime savior, "How did a pony such as you take notice of my sudden wantingness of breaded chicken carcasses cooked in oil?"

"Eh." another voice from the darkness replied, "News like that tends to spread quickly."

Celestia's jaw dropped in astonishment as the very same stallion that had run off into the distance once again emerged from the darkness, the trenchcoat that he had shed once again cloaking him.

"Wha--" Celestia's mind stalled, and her eyes turned back towards the bucket of fried chicken in her grasp.

Empty.

"WHAT VILE MIND TRICKS DOST THINE DARE TO PLAY?!" Celestia shouted in the Royal ~~Capslock~~ Canterlot Voice, "ARE YOU DISCORD?!"

The cloaked stallion chuckled, pulling open a pocket of his trenchcoat to reveal the missing food from Celestia's bucket.

Celestia was confused. No, confuzzled. She was utterly, supremely, insanely, confuzzled by the event.

"MAH CHICKEN!" she screeched in a shrill, animalistic voice as she dove for the stallion.

She passed straight through the stallion, who reappeared behind the princess as she faceplanted on the ground.

"...chicken?" Celestia cooed in confusion, peeling herself from the ground.

Once again, the strange fried chicken dealer chuckled, vanishing into nothingness as Celestia's missing 12-piece meal reappeared in her bucket, complete with a complimentary large soda from some obscure, generic brand.

Celestia grunted in annoyance, and took hold of the bucket of chicken, sipping the soda as she made her way back to Canterlot Palace.

"Luna!" Celestia called, prowling the hallways of the majestic living-quarters she called home.

"Luna?" Celestia asked, poking her head out onto the Sun/Moon-raising balcony. No gamer princess to be seen.

"Lulu?" Celestia questioned, looking out into the darkened throne room. There were certainly the usual disgruntled nobles waiting in line to blab away, but once again, no Princess of the Night to be seen.

"Lil' Lunatic?" Celestia shouted down the empty halls, answered only by silence yet again, to her disdain.

"xX-GAM3R_LUNA11-McM00NM4STER-Xx!" Celestia screeched at the top of her lungs, "DINNER'S READY!"

The door beside Celestia slammed open-- onto the Sun Princess' face.

"Yeah?" Luna answered, "You called?"

Celestia nudged the door aside in annoyance. "Dinnertime." she deadpanned, "Come on, sister."

"Fried chicken?!" Luna protested, "I wanted a triple-malt smoothie!"

Celestia chewed silently, ignoring her sister's pleading to acquire a different means of nourishment.

And then, it started.

At first, the wall-tentacles didn't bother Celestia, who continued chewing the now disgustingly dry yet damp chicken. It wasn't even crunchy anymore.

But once Luna suddenly turned into a large, green, bipedal swamp-monster, Celestia took notice.

"Darnit." Celestia whispered under her breath, "Another drugged meal, I see."

Long story short, Celestia from then on avoided the Accursed Fried Chicken Dealer from the Shadows Beyond.

Author's Note

Single MLP movie reference is singular.

Anyways, I've had quite a bit of enjoyment in writing some comedy for a change compared to what's going on with my main.

Watch out for the mysterious fried chicken dealer on your next late-night stroll.