Random Horse Fact

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Alternate Universe, Other, Starlight Glimmer, Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 1250

You're stuck in Equestria with no money and no home. Can your limited knowledge of equines help somehow?

You wind up in Equestria in the usual way, and after you heroically fight your way out of the Everfree Forest, you mean to ask Twilight for help.

She's not home, but Starlight Glimmer is.

Can you convince her to give you some bits or a place to stay?

Trigger Warning: Kinda inspired by Super Trampoline, which should tell you everything you need to know.

With a reading by Fire Rain

Published 2017-11-09 00:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-09 00:10:07 UTC

The Setup

You somehow have found yourself in magical ponyland. The how doesn't really matter, nor is it important that you eventually encountered the manticore and staggered out of the Everfree Forest only to collapse in front of Twilight's Crystal Castle™.

Typical story, to be honest. At least until it goes off the rails.

Twilight isn't home, but Glim-Glam is . . . Twilight trusts her with the keys to the castle, apparently.

“Starlight?” you ask in surprise.

“Do I know you?”

“Uh. . . .” Any honest answer would sound utterly unbelievable, so you can either lie, or lie big. “I'm you from the future.”

She frowns at you. “No you're not. I've seen the future.”

Oh yeah, you'd forgotten about that episode.

“Fine, somebody told me,” you say. “Look, I'll get right to the point. I just found myself in Equestria, in the Everfree Forest. I fought a manticore, and—“

“You fought Manny? Why?”

This is not going how you'd planned.

“Is he okay?”

“He's fine.” The fight mostly involved you shrieking like a little girl and running like hell. “Look, the point isn't that I might have fought the manticore.”

“Manny.” Glimmy glares at you. “And you brought it up.”

“I'm sorry I did.”

“Are you sure he's okay?”

“Yes! I threw a stick at him. And I missed, okay? Can we move on from this?”

“Sorry.”

“My point is that I find myself suddenly in Equestria with no funds,” you say.

“So?”

“So, aren't you going to do something about it? I don't have a place to live.”

“Maybe Fluttershy should check.”

“Huh?”

“To make sure Manny is okay.”

“Jesus H. Christ. He's fine. I didn't even actually throw a stick at him. I just thought it would sound more heroic if said I did, okay? I ran. I ran like a little bitch. I might have wet my pants, too, alright? Are you happy now?”

“That was refreshingly honest.”

“Thank you.”

“I was going to say it smelled like you'd pissed yourself, but I didn't want to be rude.”

“I appreciate that. Look, here's the deal. I somehow got magically transported here, and I need a place to live and some money. And clean pants.”

“And you're asking me why?”

“Because you ought to help me out.”

“Why?”

“Because I'm unique!”

She looks at you critically. “You're an unexpected pain in my flank. How are you unique?”

You hold up your hands like you would've revealed a rabbit from an empty top hat, if you'd had either.

“So?”

“Hands!”

Starlight rolls her eyes. “That's it? Spike has hands.”

“Well. . . .”

“Minotaurs have hands. Griffons' talons are like hands.”

“Well, yeah, but. . . .”

“Manny has hands.”

“They're more like paws,” you protest.

“I hope he's okay. Are you sure—“

“He. is. FINE.” You jab a finger at her to illustrate your point.

“You know, now that I think about it, pretty much every proper sapient in Equestria has them, except for ponies.” She lifts up a hoof to examine it. “I'd never really thought about that before.”

“Yeah, they're really useful.” You pull a deck of cards out of your back pocket—there's only 51, but it's close enough—and start overhand shuffling them.

“Puh-lease.” Starlight yanks the cards out of your hands and riffle shuffles them with her aura so fast that it sounds like machine gun fire. You stare at her, mouth agape.

“What? My best friend is a magician. I learned a few tricks from Trixie.”

“Best friend?” You punctuate that with air quotes, something she can't do with her fancy magic.

“Okay, fine, we fuck like rabbits.” She sends the cards back to you. “Everypony in Equestria is pansexual. Got a problem with that?”

“Not in the slightest,” you say. “Look, we got a little off-track, I think. Fact is, I've got no money and nowhere to live, and—“

“And you thought that you could beg for bits? Look, hon, there are at least a hundred fifty different sapient species in Equestria, some of them way more unique than you. There are the three tribes, batponies, zebras, mules, donkeys, hippogriffs, griffons, dragons—"

“Well, yeah, but—”

"River serpents, buffalo, seaponies, yaks, merponies, breezies—"

"Okay, I get the point."

“—Luna moths, giant eagles, whatever the hell Capper is, Manny the Manticore . . . and I could go on. If you think you're something really special, maybe you should join the circus. Every good circus has a freak show.”

“Of course you'd know about a freak show,” you retort.

“Trixie used to be a sword swallower.” Starlight shudders and gets a dreamy look on her face.

“Can you get your mind out of the gutter for a moment and at least give me some bits for a beer, if you're not gonna give me a place to live?”

“Fine.” Starlight pulls some bits out of who knows where and tosses them at you. “Now go away.”

The Unexpected Twist

There are three bars in Ponyville. The pegasus bar is out, because you can't fly. That leaves two, and the thought of what a drunk unicorn might do with its horn terrifies you.

Besides, you want to hang out with simple ponies, who are hopefully friendlier than Starlight.

Before too long, you've spent all your bits, but it doesn't matter. Berry Punch needs another drinking buddy, since her first two are already under the table. She's paying, so of course you join her.

The earth ponies, at least, are interested in your story, and you wind up telling it more than once as new ponies come into the bar or come over to your table. Each telling is more creative and fictional than the last one, although to be on the safe side, you leave out all mention of Manny the Manticore.

You take a big gulp of your beer and continue with retelling number four when the feeling hits you like a freight train. Pony beer is powerful stuff.

Even if you'd known where the bathroom was, you wouldn't've made it in time, but you do have a fraction of a second to aim.

This is something that college did prepare you for.

Your projectile vomiting game is on point, and you land it right on target, and don't splash anypony.

A hush falls over the bar, and every eye lands squarely on you.

Finally, somepony speaks.“What kind of magic was that?”

“Magic? I just puked. There's no magic in that.”

“Puked?”

“Vomited? Upchucked? Tossed my cookies? Barfed? Ralphed?”

You're greeted with blank looks.

Another cramp seizes you, and you puke again. This time instead of stunned silence, you get hoofstomps.

“How can you do that?”

“Seven years of college,” you say honestly. And then your eyes go wide as an epiphany strikes you. “Oh my God! I just realized!”

There's a pregnant pause. Every ear in the house is on you.

“Starlight Glimmer has a dick!”

Berry Punch looks at you critically. “Wat?”

“Why else would she get her panties wet thinking about Trixie swallowing swords?”

“Oooooh,” everypony in the bar gasps in unison.

The Underwhelming Ending

Six months later, you're a regular on the freak show circuit. It's actually pretty chill. You've got a bunk to yourself, and they give you all the beer you can drink for free. Ponies toss bit coins up on stage and sometimes flash you, and all you've got to do is puke on command.

Author's Note

Story notes here!