Trump declares war on Bronies
I remember the day well when I heard the news. I think I was unconscious, drunk with booze. (Please forgive my intoxication. It helps me escape America's situation.) Without warning and quite sudden, angry tweets from the White House began to flood in. At 8:30 during a national security meeting, meant to discuss foreign threats, the almighty orangutan was tweeting.
“Men shouldn’t watch #MLPTrash,” he declared with that all-knowing articulation. “It’s a show for girls #Grabbthembythe***** Men watching it are a blight on our nation. It promotes a heinous agenda against democracy, male rights …” (Twitter has a word limit. So we had to wait a minute). “...and anyone can see it promotes bestiality and hurts all whites.”
Where his evidence for this came, nobody could say (except the #Non-fake News like Fox and Friends), for every pony lover it would be a dark day, like the NFL knee-takers Trump would see to our end. What he said to the fandom was hard to excuse and left many of us feeling poor. So he deleted these tweets, and issued an apology (as is the tradition of the Trump administration). #JKlolz, I lied. He tweeted some more.
“Such a trash show that everyone hates. The Apprentice beat it out in the rates.”
He’s right if you look at the statistics, of course. 35% of Google Users watched him, 88% preferred the horse.
“Men who watch #MLPTrash are vile and disgusting. Even though it’s #LittleRocketMan I should be discussing, I’ve decided to declare war against this …." “… Brony. @Hasbro bring them down, LISTEN TO ME!”
Nothing says authority, like a 70-something-President with 30-something% approval, type LISTEN TO ME! Urging for a horrendous children’s show’s removal. But Hasbro wouldn’t shake or surrender because they were seraphic, and they would never abandon their favorite demographic.
MLP Writers took to Twitter, defending the show and their community. They refused the President’s order to LISTEN TO ME! They wrote such replies that brought many a tear to a Republican’s eye
Like “Our hearts are with the fans, not your hideous lies.” “Attacking a child’s show?? You’re such a bad guy.” “To your fear-mongering and hate, we’ll never comply.” “Bronies are people, no different from you or I.” “Shame the White House has orange baby men, who do nothing but cry.”
While #LittleRocketMan built his nuclear bombs, while police brutalized the followers of Islam, while Puerto Ricans died despite GOP aplomb, and while Republicans tried to gut Medicaid for their 1% tax alms, the wise, highly-articulate, and progressive president (who is certainly not some peeping tom) expressed his qualms over a girls show and its fandom, waged Twitter war against the Brony community, disturbers of the calm.
What were we to do? No one can say no to a President We had to accept his views without any dissent.
We responded with fanart and stories of how Twilight Sparkle and the Mane Six clobbered the corn-haired trumpet and said Screw your politricks! Enraged drawings and heartfelt tweets clearly illustrated our solemn surrender. Rainbow Dash shoved Trump into the Rainbow Factory blender (I heard it from another fellow, the rainbow he made was quite yellow). Even Pinkie Pie accepted defeat with humble heartache. She even showed Trump how she made cupcakes. Princess Celestia followed Trump’s example and built a wall around his Twitter Account, then banished him to the moon. Within the week, the Brony community didn’t even quadruple in amount, no, they’d all be gone soon. Our President could attest the Bronies were finished, gone, nadda, zip, no doubt could linger. So smiling their best, Spike and Discord shared with Trump, their pointed, middle fingers.
Seth Myers and Colbert, those pathetic late night hosts rallied ten million viewers with their Trump-roasts.
You are no less a person for liking My Little Pony they said, just as Trump’s no less a person for being brain-dead. Mr. President you may like attacking people and criminalizing them outright, but you should do your job instead of starting Twitter fights. If all you can do is attack Bronies, maybe you need to fit some love in your heart. Go watch the ponies. Maybe you’ll even get a little smart.
But these little protests were hardly heard by Americans, 88% of who sided with the Bronies. No, literally everyone believed press secretary who called those weirdoes vile, sort of like Trump’s cabinet cronies. Fox News didn’t notice the meager 10 million loss in viewers or Hasbro’s commercial revenue. They proclaimed Trump was winning against the vile sub-humans, which Bannon declared undeniably true.
Trump held a rally and congratulated himself for attacking freedom of speech; the worst inconvenience for his rule. He declared with glee and they listened to his undeniably, positively holy preach that he ended the Brony cesspool
Hasbro’s toy sales certainly hadn’t doubled, the series’ viewership certainly didn’t grow. You could be certain it was true if Trump said it, despite what all the statistic show
As #LittleRocketMan dialed back on his threats and the indictments ceased. Our wonderful President seemed to forget the Bronies for his KFC bucket feast. But the damage was done, in his war against Bronies he succeeded: In making Bronies more popular, the show’s appeal now unimpeded
He’d bring up the issue again whenever Mueller, the big ol’ meanie, set to indict, brought another colluder to justice, which triggered orangutan’s spite. He’d probably tweet about it once or twice, whenever he thought the media didn’t treat him nice, or when he wanted to gut the ACA, or deflect embarrassment, or appoint his unqualified EPA stooges, or accuse #CrookedClinton of treason. You could be sure he’d make sure we learned to respect and join his political pollution with 280 character tweets that speak of his great reason.
I imagine Twilight and co look on at this spectacle that seems an affront to meritocracy, and Princess Celestia wisely says, “This is why we don’t have democracy.”
Author's Note
Just realized the auto-format messed up the structure and indenting I wanted. Darn it.