Shining Armor woke up at five in the morning. It was a routine that had been drilled into him when he was in basic training. Now even though he was a prince he still maintained the same regimen, even when Cadence and Flurry Heart were visiting her adoptive parents.
The white unicorn slowly stretched in the large bed that he normally shared with his wife. Her side was cool to the touch. The royal apartment was quieter than it had been in a long time too. So, he stretched further and sighed contently.
Shining Armor knew he could sleep in if he wanted. He really didn’t have anything scheduled until around noon and that was nothing more than minor budgetary status updates. Yet, his years as a proper soldier, and months as a father had him on his hooves after a few minutes of lollygagging in bed. He then exercised briefly, showered and combed out his dark blue mane before heading to breakfast.
Upon reaching the kitchen, Shining Armor instinctively ducked his head in case of projectile baby food. Flurry Heart had a habit of eating about half of what she was fed before tossing the rest of it and giggling. After one too many spoonful’s of mashed fruit to the face he’d learned to duck and cover when entering the room. Yet with his wife and daughter out of town the maneuver was unnecessary and instead it was Shining Armor that found him chuckling at the unnecessary action.
He grabbed some instant coffee and a box of Frosted Sugar Blasts (with REAL marshmallows) from the pantry. After a couple of minutes of preparation Shining Armor settled into his chair and basked in the quite shade of the early morning. He intended to enjoy the moment, rare as it was. “Well, let’s dig in,” he said and readied his spoon. Shining Armor raised a spoonful of the sugary cereal to his lips, his taste buds celebrated at the prospect of the sweet flavor tickling them.
Suddenly the door to his living quarters flung open with a loud bang startling Shining Armor. The spoonful of cereal flew into his forehead and deposited its contents just above his eyebrows. Shining Armor uttered a quiet swear as several guards poured into the kitchen. “My prince,” declared one of the guards, “There’s been an incident. We need to take you some place safe!”
Shining Armor grumbled and wiped away the cereal. “What incident? Are we being invaded? Has Tirek escaped Tartarus or is this …”
“One of the guards is down my prince! Catatonic, like he’d seen a ghost. He’s still at the scene of…”
Shining Armor rolled his eyes and got up from the table. “Take me to the scene.”
“But my liege….”
Shining Armor looked the guard squarely in the face, “My wife and I defeated Chrysalis once and Sombra another time. I took on Discord and Tirek by myself. Whatever it is that you’re so concerned about I’m pretty sure I can handle it.”
“What you’re about to see may disturb you,” said Sunburst with a surprising amount of authority as he stood over a white towel a lump underneath it.
Shining Armor was taken aback by the tonal shift in Sunburst. Typically the orange unicorn was less sure of himself and a bit more easygoing. Shining Armor glanced among the guards the guards that flanked him over to the guard who laid on the ground in a tightly wound ball. Finally he glanced over at Flash Sentry who appeared the worse for wear as he wobbled in place. “Jeez Flash you look terrible. Are you sick or something?”
The orange pegasus adjusted his helmet slightly to cover up his dark blue mane and sighed, “I had a good time last night and I was supposed to have the next two days off until this … whatever it is happened. Right now I just want to go to... why is there a marshmallow on your forehead?”
“Oh dang,” grumbled Shining Armor and brushed it off, then looked back at Sunburst and said, “Show me.”
Sunburst nodded and pulled back the towel with his magic revealing the unseen object. The guards that flanked Shining Armor gasped and recoiled. The prone guard began to tremble at the sight of it. Flash Sentry continued to wobble and looked like he was going to be ill.
Shining Armor looked down at the object and his face scrunched up. “That’s a used…”
“Party cannon size,” replied Sunburst as he levitated his glasses off his face and blew on the lenses, “Mint flavored. You can tell by the color.”
“It looks like it’s drenched in some sort of…”
“It is. Apparently whoever planted this here thought he was being,” said Sunburst as he put his glasses back on, “Slick.”
From out of the ether as if carried upon the wind the loud disembodied scream of ‘Yeah,’ echoed throughout the hall. The guard glanced about hoping to find who was speaking. First they accused a passing butler by the name of Faucet.
Faucet was a sky blue crystal pony. Her long mane and tail shimmered in the early morning light. Her uniform was also impeccably maintained. In spite of the outward appearance two of the guards questioned if it was she who had screamed from some hidden place in the hallway or in the bushes out front. It was something that she denied with such conviction the questioning guards immediately began to quake about the possibility of a random ghost having shouted at them.
Sunburst raised a hoof, “Actually that just happens anytime somepony with a red mane takes off his glasses and says something that is supposed to be clever, then puts them back on while investigating something. We don’t know why it occurs, but it does. It’s not a ghost.”
“Anyway back to the matter at hand. So the guard…,” began Shining Armor.
“Yes, at about 5 AM he stepped on it and freaked out,” replied Sunburst.
“Icky hooves,” wailed the downed guard.
Shining Armor sighed, “Well, that’s a slip hazard and a gross one. Why all the fuss though? Just get him to wash his hooves and give him the rest of the day off and get janitorial to clean it up.”
“It’s not that simple,” said Sunburst.
“He’s right,” replied Flash Sentry as he wobbled, “You know as well as I do prince that technically this counts as an attack on the castle, possibly an assassination attempt.”
“With a used…”
“Icky hooves,” repeated the downed guard.
“What’s his name?”
“The guard? That’s Coal Miner. He’s new but he seems like a good guy,” said Flash.
Shining Armor ordered two of the guards to take Coal Miner to the showers to clean up and then to medical to get checked out for any injuries. Once this was done Shining Armor turned back to Sunburst and Flash and said, “I want to find out who did this.”
Sunburst shrugged, “Well, we could narrow it down considerably with a low level spell of Revelation. Once we discover whose contents are in there we can narrow it down pretty quickly.”
“But doesn’t the pony have to be in the presence of the specimen?”
“Well we can clear whoever’s in the castle first and then move on from there. We just have to put it in a vessel.”
Flash closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I think I’m gonna be sick,” he muttered as he stepped away from the others, “Just levitate it into a vase I’ll be back.”
“It’s not that simple,” replied Sunburst, “If I use any magic to move it, it theoretically taint the sample.”
Flash gagged a bit but restrained himself from evacuating the contents of the night before. He then looked at the others and said, “So who’s going to pick it up then?”
A collective shudder ran throughout the hall and a low murmur filled the air. Several of the ponies turned their gaze to Flash who turned a proper shade of green and promptly bolted out of the room. Shining Armor looked at the guard who’d dragged him from his breakfast and asked, “How about you?”
The guard shook his head quickly, “No way! I’m an earth pony! I’m not picking it up. We can only use…”
“Well, I’m not doing it,” said a pegasus guard, “It’s not like it’s mine!”
“Why don’t you do it,” said a third guard to Shining Armor, “You’re the one in charge!”
“Yeah you do it!”
Shining Armor shook his head quickly, “No way. I’m the prince. I give the orders. When one of you gets your own empire you can do it. I’m not touching…”
“Oh for crying out loud,” groaned Sunburst, “One of you go to the kitchen and get some tongs. Another of you snag a vase or bowl or something and let’s get this over with.”
Fifteen minutes later one of the guards arrived with a set of tongs. Another guard brought a decorative crystal vase. Shining Armor muttered about how the frosted crystal vase was one of Cadence’s favorites, but acknowledged that under the circumstances it would have to suffice. Sunburst, now thoroughly out of patience asked Shining Armor order the guard with the tongs to pick up the slippery object and drop it into the receptacle. After a few nerve wracking moments and some gagging the deed was done and the spell promptly cast.
“There it’s done,” said Sunburst, “Now all you need to do is have the guards and any other staff walk by it.”
“What happens,” asked Shining Armor.
“Well, if it’s not that particular pony’s nothing. However if it is …”
“Oh goodness,” huffed Flash Sentry as he walked up to Shining Armor and Sunburst, “I lost my helmet somewhere in the bushes. I’m never drinking that much again. The end result was like tasting a rainbow but worse. “Flash looked down at the vessel and scrunched up his nose, “Is that where you put it? Isn’t that Princess Cadence’s favorite vase? Why did you draw a blue line on it? She’s gonna be so mad if you can’t get it off.”
Shining Armor and Sunburst looked down at the vase and saw the blue line and shouted, “Flash!” Flash Sentry cocked his head in confusion as Shining Armor ordered the majority of the guard out. Finally after a long pause Shining Armor looked Flash squarely in the face and said, “Why’d you toss it … there of all places?”
Flash Sentry blinked, “Why did I toss what where?”
“That thing… it’s yours!”
Flash’s eyes widened as he took a half step back, “No way! It can be!”
“The spell isn’t wrong,” said Sunburst, “It belongs to you.”
“Bunk! Pure bunk,” said Flash, “The prince knows and you should know as well that I’d never do something like that!”
“Give me a moment,” said Shining Armor quietly as he distanced himself from the two ponies. He gazed off into the early morning light as he weighed his options. Flash was his friend. Ever since he’d become prince he’d found most ponies took a much more deferential view to him. Unless they were panicked about something, like that morning, it was always ‘yes your highness,’ or ‘no your highness.’ With Flash it was different.
Flash followed the orders he was given. It was his job after all. However, unlike most of the guards he was more than comfortable to share his love of music, was willing to speak frankly with him and joke around with him. Over time they even started sharing interests in similar games and formed a band with a couple of other guards. It was fun. Flash had even had his back when a couple of less than friendly dignitaries from beyond the Badlands had visited. Shining Armor knew he had to give him a chance.
Shining Armor he zoned back in on the discussion, which had become heated. Flash continued to deny he’d done anything untoward while Sunburst continued to remind him of whose traces were found within the thing and urged him to admit he’d put it there. With a loud stomp of his hoof the bickering pair quieted down. Shining Armor looked at them, “Is it possible that you’re both right? That yes it’s his contents but that he didn’t deposit them there.”
Sunburst rubbed his chin and nodded, “Entirely possible but why?”
“Well let’s ask him,” said Shining Armor, “What did you do last night Flash?”
Flash cleared his throat, “Well after my shift I decided that I would go to a concert. Spinal Crack was supposed to be playing at the Variety Puppet House after the last puppet play. I paid my bits and got in but the show got cancelled because the drummer was sick. Apparently he turned into a giant yellow disembodied rabbit head.”
“Cabeza de Conejo Amarillo,” said Sunburst, “He should have washed his greens thoroughly before eating them.”
“Anyway,” said Flash as he cast a side long glance at Sunburst, “There were no refunds and I was steamed about it. So I wandered around town until I made my way to that tavern on Ruby Way and decided to order a round or two.”
“Misty Mountain’s Hops Bar and Grill right,” asked Shining Armor.
“Yeah, a lot of the guard and all hang out there.”
“Then you got intoxicated correct? What did you have? Natural Cider or something,” asked Sunburst.
Anger washed over Flash’s face as he looked squarely into Sunburst’s. Slowly Flash cocked his head and a low growl escaped his lips. Sunburst cast a nervous glance to Shining Armor and backed away as Flash shouted, “Okay first you jump ahead and assume I just got blitzed. Then you figure I’d order something as miserable as Natty Cide! Screw that swill! Pops! Blue! Ribbon!”
“We’re getting off track,” said Shining Armor as he stood between the two.
“He keeps assuming stuff! If he’d just shut his fat…”
“Don’t worry about what him. Just tell us your story and we’ll check it out. Remember I’m the prince. I ultimately make the decisions around here. Okay?”
Flash sighed as a small tremble ran through him, “I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just I feel … I’ve got this headache and I don’t like puking and ….”
“Take your time,” said Shining Armor quietly, “You ordered something to drink and then what happened?”
Flash closed his eyes before looking Shining Armor in his and continued. “After the first couple of rounds Faucet came up to me and we started talking.”
“The butler?”
“That’s her. Anyway it was just the usual chit chat. She mentioned she liked Fabergé eggs and thought that the guard looked great in their armor. I said I liked music and played bass in a band. She then said that bass players are the best looking guys in the band and how that combo was the best. It went on like that for a while and after about six more beers I followed her back to her room. We then… well….”
“I don’t really need to know the specifics on that.”
Flash nodded and sat down on his haunches. He gazed at the crystal floor beneath him and sighed. “She has an apartment on the first floor being head of the maids and other servers. If you didn’t know.”
“We’ll check it out,” said Shining Armor, “You just stick around.”
“Where would I go?”
“You don’t think he did it do you,” asked Sunburst as he and Shining Armor walked down the hallway to the butler’s room.
“I’m inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt,” said Shining Armor, “However, before I do anything I want to get as much information as I can. If he didn’t do it that’s good news and we can move on.”
“Honestly,” began Sunburst, “I want to believe him too. That said what if it turns out that he did do it? Then what?”
“Then we’ll do what we must,” said Shining Armor with a sigh.
The hallway echoed with their hoof steps as neither said another word until they reached their destination. Shining Armor rapped on the door loudly. After a moment the door flung open revealing the blue crystal pony from earlier in the day. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the pair before saying, “Well, what took you so long? I’ve been waiting for a couple of hours now.”
Shining Armor and Sunburst looked at each other before looking back at the butler. “You were expecting us Miss,” asked Sunburst.
“Faucet,” she said rolling her eyes and stepping away from the door, “I’d have assumed you would have received my name from the pegasus. It couldn’t have been that difficult to recall regardless of how much he drank.”
Shining Armor looked about the reasonably sized room. It was unusually ornate for a butler’s quarters. He looked to the wall by the door and noticed row after row of Fabergé eggs all expertly detailed some with rare metals and various jewels or pearls adorning them.
Sunburst whistled and muttered excitedly to the prince regarding the décor. The table and chairs alone were five hundred years old and in pristine condition. The cabinet was of a similar age and a deep chocolate color. The sofa was newer but looked incredibly soft and not one piece of the furniture smelled its age. Instead the scent of vanilla hung in the air which was also a pleasant surprise. “This collection is incredible.”
“Of course it is. I do love collecting objet d’art. Some of those eggs are nearly priceless,” said Faucet as a satisfied smile crossed her face, “But I know that’s not why you’re here.”
Shining Armor looked at her, “Of course not. But you seemed to know that when you opened the door.”
“I know it’s because of the thing in the main hall,” said Faucet.
“What do you know of it?”
“I put it there. Intentionally.”
Sunburst pried his eyes away from the fancy furniture and looked at Faucet. “So Flash really didn’t…”
“No,” said Faucet, “He was… reasonably fun, even if he is a bit dull. Bass? Please that’s not a respectable instrument. Still, he made his unknowing contribution to my plan. I could thank him for it but, I’m not going to bother with such trifles.”
“But this still doesn’t answer the question of why it was done.”
“Well, you know the guard who stepped on it don’t you?”
“Coal Miner?”
Faucet nodded. “That’s him. I dug Coal. He was handsome, virile and pretty much anything most mares could want in a stallion. I know I did and I threw myself at him.”
“And he rejected you,” asked Sunburst.
Faucet laughed darkly and waved a hoof in his direction, “No no no. He was game. He liked me very much. In fact he liked a lot of mares very much. Hence the problem.”
“So, you were a jilted lover?”
“No, he gave me flank fleas,” growled Faucet, “I had to wear a cone on my lower half for a week while the medicine worked. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to use the bathroom or bathe with a cone around your back half?”
“That must have been difficult.”
“It was but after enough time we crossed paths again.”
“Was this like last month or something?”
“Four years.”
"Four years?” Shining Armor rubbed his forehead in disbelief at the amount of time she’d waited. He watched as she circled about in front of the entry way then back in front of the couch. She smirked in pride at what she’d done. After a moment Shining Armor said, “Well, obviously I’m going to have to let you go after this. I can’t have staff causing security incidents…”
“Oh I fully expected you to say that,” replied Faucet coyly, “All I ask is a positive letter of recommendation and two million gold bits and I’ll be out of your mane for good.”
“Wait what?”
“Copper bits are so tacky and easily devalued but gold… a pony can go a lot of places with that.”
Shining Armor rolled his eyes, “Not likely. I’ll summon the guards to have you escorted…”
“Perhaps the world would be interested in knowing that you were tricked not once but twice by a changeling or maybe that several of your ‘important summits’ are merely you tabletop games with your sister and a select few.”
“But… what?”
“I even have evidence that I could make sound like you’re stealing from the treasury,” said Faucet, “Butlers do know more about who they serve than their employers would like to admit.”
Shining Armor’s jaw dropped, “First that’s my money to start with not allocated for the budget. Second none of the other…”
“It’s true enough and based upon various timelines various gaps can be filled in. Maybe it’s not one hundred percent accurate but, if it’s close enough ponies will believe it. They do love their gossip.”
Shining Armor was at a loss for words. It was blackmail and slander in their simplest forms. It certainly explained how a butler like her was able to afford such fancy objects. As Shining Armor tried to figure out what he’d say next.
Instead Sunburst answered, “You’ll never get away with this!”
“Ah the ‘friend’ of the would-be dictator turned advisor to Princess Twilight has an opinion on matters,” said Faucet as she glared at him, “I and my cohort have just as much on you and enough on her to shake Equestria’s faith in their leadership.”
“Cohort ... Who how…”
“You don’t think I left the information…”
A loud crash silenced Faucet. She quickly turned to face the entry way. Shining Armor and Sunburst’s attention followed suit. Just near the entrance stood Flash Sentry, one wing outstretched near one of the shelves that held Faucet’s prized eggs. Just under his wing one of the eggs, a ruby red one lay smashed on the floor below. To his left sat the vase that had been used to house the evidence that had caused him so much trouble earlier that morning.
Faucet’s face froze in horror as the guard glared glassily back at her. Whether it was alcohol induced or not was unclear to any in the room. However, what was certain was that he had the sternest expression any of them had ever seen. He cocked his head to one side and said, “I’m sorry did I interrupt this conversation? I didn’t mean to do that. Please keep going on how you plan get away with all of this.”
Faucet’s lip quivered as she looked at the smashed egg. Her eyes blazed in anger yet no words came out. As she glared Flash listed to one side but didn’t fall. Finally after what felt like minutes he continued, “You’re finished with your evil monologue then? Okay. I just have one question. How dumb do you think I am?”
“That egg cost twenty thousand…”
Flash smacked another egg across the room. When it shattered against the wall he asked, “How about that one?”
Faucet shrieked and Flash smacked a larger egg passed the right side of her face netting the same result. “Scream again I dare you. Answer the stupid question!”
“Very dumb,” she said.
“And you don’t have anyone else working with you do you,” said Flash as he slid his wing behind another egg.
“…No.”
“Of course not. You’re too greedy. So then where’s the information Faucet?”
“I… I,” she stammered.
“It’s probably over…,” began Sunburst.
“I don’t remember asking you anything Sunburst,” said Flash without taking his eyes off of Faucet to whom he raised his eyebrows at.
“The… the cabinet… in a small box that… that’s magically locked.”
“S. A. could you give it a look? I can’t take my wing off this egg.”
Shining Armor nodded walked over to the cabinet and opened the doors inside he saw the box and quickly undid the locking spell and peered inside at the papers. “We’re good,” he said before pulling the box and its contents out. He then motioned for Sunburst to stand by him.
Flash lowered his wing but continued to stand in the doorway. He sighed quietly, “New topic of conversation Faucet… do you read?”
Faucet cocked her head questioningly but answered quickly, “Yes.”
“Have you ever read The Friendship Journal.”
“No.”
“Well I have. It’s a good book. You should consider checking it out sometime. In fact I like it so much I even memorized my favorite part.”
“What?”
“From Rarity page 120,” Flash continued, “The path of true friendship is beset on by selfish desires and the tyranny of wicked hearts. A true friend will be kind to those who are weak, honest with those who need guidance, laugh in times of mirth and be generous and steadfast in to others in their darkest of times.” He slid his wing into the vase and as he did his gaze darkened. “However, I will strike out with scornful retribution against those who attempt to malign or destroy my friends. And you will know I am Rarity when I do so fabulously.” When he said ‘fabulously’ he flicked the contents of the vase squarely into Faucet’s face.
The crystal pony shrieked and recoiled the moment it struck. Shining Armor’s eyes widened in shock. Sunburst covered him mouth and muttered an, “Oh my.” Flash however, merely turned and walked out the door calling for guards to aid the prince in the butler’s room.
It wasn’t long before Shining Armor regained his composure and ordered the guards to take her into custody. He’d figure out what to do with her later. However, as things stood her property save whatever money she had on her was forfeit and her Crystal Empire privileges were revoked. He then ordered Sunburst to send a letter to his sister asking her to bring Spike with her at their earliest possible convenience. He had a lot of warning missives to send out and dragon mail was the quickest.
Once that was done he searched for Flash Sentry. He’d had his back in spite of everything. After a bit of searching he found him sitting on front steps leaning against a railing. He appeared thoroughly exhausted. Even so Shining Armor couldn’t help but say playfully to him, “I thought you said you weren’t going anywhere?”
“Sorry, I’ll do better next time.”
Shining Armor sat next to him quietly. After a few minutes he asked, “How did you know?”
“I figured if she was willing to jack around a nobody like me for any real reason she’d have no problem going after you. Besides… that many fancy eggs… I figured she’d done something before to someone. Butlers don’t make that much.”
Shining Armor nodded as the sun slowly began to ascend over the mountains to the east. “Sunburst said he was sorry for doubting you.”
Flash nodded slightly, “That’s nice. No hard feelings on my end… fear and hangovers make me a bit testy. In fact I think bed is calling me… at least until noon or so.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s not fair you know,” muttered an exhausted Flash, “I mean… it’s not that I haven’t dated before but… this was the first time any mare showed that much interest in me and what I did. It was nice... In spite of it all … I wish she’d meant it.”
No sooner had Flash finished speaking when a light snore escaped his lips. Shining Armor looked over at his friend. He smiled slightly at his friend and whispered, “One day some lucky mare will. One day.” He then cast a levitation spell and carried him off to his quarters and laid him on his side in the royal bed.
Shining Armor took all appropriate precautions for his friend and left him fast asleep on his side in bed. He then strategically placed a large glass of water on the nightstand and a trash can by his head. Flash’s day was done.
It was almost nine thirty when Shining Armor sat down to his new breakfast. He munched quietly on his cereal and drank his coffee. After all that had happened that morning he knew it would be a busy day.