It seemed to come from nothing.
So very silly, but most things begin that way. Small. Before they begin to grow inside. Then you find that they encompass your whole being, that all is left is the feeling and the need to meet it.
Twilight cataloged the use of writing supplies and use of her own books. Keeping track of those things had become a habit after the last two years. It calmed her, focused her mind on the task at hoof. Something she had found harder and harder to do as of late.
It was no surprise then to find her in her room fiddling with her ink wells and going over the small library ledger she made for her personal books.
Her mane was frazzled, and her eyes had slight bags under them as she used three rulers to place the ink wells precisely.
She moved the three books into her satchel bag and checked off a mark on her list. She returned to her bedroom and placed the bag under her desk before floating a purple satchel with one side empty from a shelf and trotting toward the front door of her castle.
Her mind focused on the clip clop echoes from her hooves. She imagined the tiny air vibrations. The air moving with her every step. Every motion affecting the air around her. Every action with repercussions throughout the hall and rooms she passed. Anything so as not to think over it again.
While moving down one hallway she came to a stop in front of a large window. The sun hung past its zenith in the sky. Even a quick glance caused her to flinch. Instinctively placing a wing in front of her.
When she opened her eyes again though the sting wasn’t as bad. Her wings blocked out most of the suns radiance.
Peering through her wing she saw the sun for the first time as it was. A burning ball of gas.
She was memorized by the sight.
Through my wings, I can see.
Something about that thought bounced loosely in the back of her mind. Something about her friends and teacher.
Her feathers itched as well. They always itched. They would need a new coat of wax soon which would mean preening herself with her new waxy spit.
Habitually she smacked her lips. Feeling the gloss settle there.
Twilight turned and trotted back down the hall in even and long steps mimicking another set of hooves as she had for decades. She gave a slight nod as she passed ponies in the street, only stopping to buys some raisins and dried fruit which she wrapped up and placed in her now full left bag.
She then went two quills and sofa to settle her tab. A hefty sum, but Twilight paid it anyway. Plus a little extra for his service.
She would no longer be buying quills from him anyway. Instead she bought a small converter kit to turn her own feathers into quills. It was very efficient. The cashier irritatingly rung her up though. Perhaps put out by the loss of such a valuble customer.
Twilight took a measured pace toward the outside of town. Taking in the sights and sounds she had come to know so well. Derpy delivering the mail,Pinkie inexplicably waving from the bakery despite that she was suppose to already be at the picnic, a calm malaise wrapped over the town warming her spirit.
Mentally she went over her list again and again. Like a mental tick that might, for a moment, turn her mind away from what was to happen. Tragedy yet done.
She arrived after of few minutes and trotted over to set down at the cloths edge. Her friends where waiting and already in full conversation. Pinkie was there of course and would insist she had been there the longest despite the impossibility. Rarity looked as beautiful as ever. All of them where watching Rainbow in the air enthusiastically describing a save she had made in a recent show. Twilight took a moment to pull it all in before meticulously floating out her plate of sandwiches prepared by Spike.
They were celebrating the two year anniversary of her arrival at Ponyville and the beginning of their amazing friendship brought on seemingly so long ago. The images felt grainy, like they had been filtered through two movie reels. Detials fading.
Twilight snapped back to. Rarity was talking to her. She had zoned out for the last few minutes of conversation. Quickly she tried to catch back on.
“It seems so silly that it’s really only been two years. So much has happened! Why I use to be so silly.”
They all laughed. Giggled really. Twilight checked off three possible branches the conversation could’ve taken before plotting a new course.
“I know, it seems like five years ago you were demanding to fix my mane.” She giggled. “You wouldn’t even accept my money.”
“Oh!” Fluttershy gasped. “I just remembered. Here is those bits I borrowed last month Twilight.”
Of course she insisted that she did not need them. That it would be fine to wait to pay her until next month. Fluttershy would not hear any of it though and so Twilight floated some coins into her bag. Mentally she checked off the third to the last check before refocusing on the conversation.
“Then the cakes insisted we make a DOUBLY big cake because it was both their parties and I said ‘Are you crazy! I already doubled it!-“
Twilight snapped away from Pinkies conversation mentally. Even though her eyes still followed the pink mare and a part recorded the conversation Twilight focused on the tingling sensation in her pressing down on her wings and horn tip.
She sat up straighter. Her smile grew a tad more forced. Her hooves unconsciously slid under her. The sunlight seemed to fall a little harder on her fur for a moment. For a breath she felt eyes on her.
Then the feeling was gone.
Twilight relaxed slightly physically but mentally she was all in a tumble. Did she forget something? Had she done a spell that was forbidden? Had something happened to shinning?
Mentally she estimated how long it would take spike to run over to them from the library.
Around thirteen hundred steps from the library spikes step distance is one third mine, but he would be running. So three for one so same amount of time. Two minutes twenty eight seconds.
One minute approximately sense viewing so the letter would of been sent thirty seconds ago.
Twilight nodded to Applejack. Apologizing that she wouldn’t be able to help with fixing their wagon this weekend. She kept watch toward ponyville. Waiting to see his green spines come into view.
Three minutes since viewing spell. It must have been her checking up on me. I wonder if its just habit for her now?
“Surgarcube, are you okay?”
“What?” This was not expected. Twilight had not meant to give any indications. She snapped back to the conversation to find everypony looking at her.
“Well, you’ve seemed…jumpy lately.”
“To true darling, our dear Twilight seems to have something on her mind.”
“What's the matter grumpy pants?”
“Yeah! Egghead, what's the matter!”
“If you don’t mind telling us…”
Twilight noted the half circle they formed around her. Quickly constructing a timeline of events based on her friends immediate unity and body language.
One of them must have noted some subconscious signal and had spoken to the others.
Probably Applejack, she was the most insightful about such things. Twilight reviewed and realized how quickly this picnic had been supposedly arranged but Fluttershy had even brought sandwiches. Pinkie needed to schedule time off. Applejack would have needed time to prepare. This had obviously taken some time. Why hadn’t she noticed that?
This was an intervention.
For a moment she considered telling them. Then discarded that. Then she considered a way to lie without lying.
Too bad her mouth had other plans
“What? I-uh I’m okay. I am quite good…thank you for asking?”
Applejack raised a single eyebrow.
Twilight sighed then gave a bit of a sad smile.
“It’s nothing worth talking about Applejack. I have just been studying too much. That’s why I was glad to hear of your plan for a picnic.”
“I told you it was just egghead things.” Rainbow said while flying backwards.
“If you don’t watch where you’re going to get an egg on your head from that tree.”
They laughed and Twilight sighed on the inside.
It seems she pulled it off. She put all other thoughts out of her head and enjoyed the picnic. Several hours later she waved goodby to the others, making sure to give each a hug before taking flight.
Twilight landed smoothly on her bedroom floor after mindlessly opening and flying through her window. She trotted across the caverns room to a trunk of heavy wood kissed with burn marks and a few splinters.
If one looked closely they could see cracked runes carved expertly into the metal rivets, lock and hinges. Spells of protection, preservation, amenity and a fear spell. A common box found in most every unicorn wealthy or powerful enough home.
She opened it with a single hoof wincing at the scars on paper. At the wounds on history and therefore self.
Twilight Sparkle looked at her friendship reports.
They were simple things. Something most would consider pointless and indeed she herself had so as well. It was only her obsession and diligence that persevered her saving them, categorizing them and placing them for posterity. So many times and places had been spent penning these documents. It should not have surprised her that a piece of herself could be found in them. Though not a piece of herself now but only of what she had been.
A unicorn, a student, a scientist; She had called herself these words. Words are very important they reflect the mind and the parameters that it encompasses. Placing them into sentences necessitates leaving a piece of yourself, even unintendedly.
The paper she had chosen to use was a common cut, untreated note paper. Without magic they would’ve already become unreadable. Her mouth turned up slightly as she considered the allegories between the fragileness of the paper and how simple times become the most precious memories one pony has of another. That become the basis of so much of what some pony what they are.
Words therefore are important. These ones especially so.
Twilight shifted through the binder to the beginning. To when she had no wings. The words expertly written by her assistant still tasted of the singular focus that seemed to permeate her early life.
Each word groveling, begging.
She had always felt that it was some mistake that allowed her to become Celestias student, some fluke that allowed her to begin study under the monarch. Even now her flipping stomach had her wondering if she should give up on her plan.
Perhaps it would be better than to perhaps face her. To face them. To face him.
Even now she remembered that unflinching smile driving her mad. How could she ever know what her mentor was thinking with such a mask? How could she of known what Celestia truly thought.
Now though she knew. Wings left little room for wonder.
Yet her stomach still turned.
Twilight shook her head and floated her bag over. Books, pen, paper flew from around the room and began to situate themselves in her bag even as she shuffled through the papers. Choosing those she wanted and making copies to go into a binder. That would soon join in the bag.
She moved across the room and laid down on her bed. Well not her bed. The states bed. In fact much of what she owned was paid for by the state. Not what she was packing away though, that didn’t seem right.
A single piece of paper floated over with a pen in tow. Despite the total uncertainty of what she was going to write. How do you do something so…suddenly, without warning then make it alright in a few words. An impossible question really.
If anything she was certain to whom the letter would be addressed.
“Dear Celestia,” She began, still falling back on an old habit of dictating, even if it was to herself.” I don’t truly know how to say this…So I guess that I will just do so.”
She breathed deeply then skipped a line for infuses. It was important to remember that the position of a word conveys more than its definition.
“I am leaving.” She moved to the next line. “I am leaving Equestria and by the time you read this I suspect I shall be long gone by magical means. You may ask what would motivate me to do this or perhaps you will suspect that I’ve been manipulated. Which is why I’ll be leaving a magical imprint on this page. A simple analysis should show you I am of sound mind and am only suffering emotional distress from sadness and fear toward the context of this letter.
It is, hard. To explain why I must do this. Suffice it to say…I don’t know who I am. Not without you.
I’m sorry you have to hear that. But I think it’s true. You are too safe, too big. I cannot grow. I cannot stretch these wings you have given me.
Your sun fills the sky and there is no room for another pony. After I stopped writing you…I just started to listen to whatever that… table told me. These thoughts have plagued me for some time. It’s only recently that I realized why.
I’m going to go away. I don’t know how long. But before I go I wanted to say this.
Thank you for everything, I love you.”
Twilight folded the letter and placed her family seal before standing and stretching. That had been the last letter. One for her BBBFF and wife. One for her family. One for each of her friends. All to be found in the neat bundle.
She finished packing her things. Even the bits and food for such a long journey before heading downstairs.
There was one pony she still needed to talk to.
She came to a stop just outside his door. The room was just across from hers but it felt like a mile. The purple pink doors standing tall like Celestias legs as she was a filly.
Slowly her trembling hoof reached out and knocked.
“Yeah, come in!” Spike cheerily called.
Twilight breathed and stepped through the doors.
Spike was laying on the bed reading a comic he must have read a thousand times. It was some silly western style comic she had purchased for him two years before.
“Spike. I need to talk to you.”
“What is it Twilight?” He asked, brows furrowing. His cheek fins dipping slightly.
She stood there at the foot of his bed, bag strewn over her shoulder.
It hurt.
How clear this moment seemed.
Each moment clicking over like some great clockface. Its vibrations sinking into her soul.
She breathed.
“Spike, I’m leaving.”
His brow furrowed, as if he couldn’t understand what she had just said.
Then realization.
His eyes opened glistening. He spun fully around to face her.
“What, Twilight.”
“Its- It's just too much Spike. I...Just want to be me.”
Twilight turned shakily dropping the small bundle of letters at his footbed. Her hooves slightly misstepping as she turned back toward the door.
She stepped quickly to the door. Opening them quickly without hesitation. Her pulse quickening as she looked up through an sky window, ready to take flight.
Suddenly, a grip softly fully gripped her wing. She hadn’t even heard Spike move but somehow he was there. Her mind flashed through all the ways he could have crossed the distance so quickly.
None came to mind, but she pushed forward, ready to be free.
“Twilight, don’t go.” his voice cracked.
Twilight stopped. She stopped pulling but didn’t step back.
“Please Twilight. Please don’t go, I don’t know what we did but please-I love you.” He continued on. Twilight could feel the snag and pull on her feathers, but she couldn’t say whether it was his shaking or hers.
“I-I need to go Spike. I.” As his arms reached up and gripped her tightly. His warm embrace making the trembling go to her bones. Tears clawed their way up, crowding out her stiff throat. She swallowed to clear them “I want to know who I am.”
“You're Twilight.” He sobbed. “You're the Princess of Friendship. You're Celestia's student. You-you're…. mom.”
The tears came and before she knew it she turned. Her wings wrapping Spike up as they both gripped each other. Twilight's face pressed firmly against his back spines.
They shook together.
Him and her hollow wings.
Author's Note
So I wrote this two years ago and found it in an old flash drive. After reading it I did a bunch of edits and changed the ending before posting it today. I hope you get some enjoyment out of it and comment bellow.
Have a nice day.
