Celestabellebethabelle

by anonpencil

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Gravity Falls, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 2217

A strange unicorn appears in Equestria, and Celestia goes to welcome her newest guest. Unfortunately, if she had to describe this guest in one word it would be... "frustrating."

Not all unicorns are princesses of friendship, and this newcomer unicorn is certainly not. Still, Celestia feels it is her duty to be welcoming, patient, and gracious to Equestria's most recent guest.
...it doesn't last long.

Warning: Contrains swearing and ooc Celestia. Crossover with a character from Gravity Falls.

Published 2017-11-09 15:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-09 15:50:07 UTC

The Neighs Have It

~*~

It all happened in a flash.

The northern sky lit up in a brilliant flare of pastel rainbow colors, even before the sun had risen. Its abrupt glow was enough to rouse Celestia from her light slumber, and she gazed out the window into the dying night with at first confusion, then slow recognition. A knowing smile began to sweep over her features as she shook herself, her mane falling immaculately into place. Then, she strode to the window so she could pinpoint the exact source of the flash.

Yes, she was sure of it. A new portal had opened in Equestria, and that flash meant that someone, or something had come through.

She had a new guest. That was, to say the least, always exciting.

As she turned to go prepare herself for a visit to see this new guest for herself, she heard a very faint flutter of owl-like wings behind her. She glanced over her pale shoulder to find her sister settling onto the balcony outside, a look of concern on her face.

“Sister,” she said urgently. “Did you see? In the forest, it-”

Celestia nodded, still smiling warmly.

“Indeed I did! It has been some time since we have seen a new portal opening. I do wonder who has come through, though.”

Luna frowned.

“That is what I have come to tell you,” she said, seeming rather distressed. “I have seen this creature’s arrival as I did my rounds of the late-night sky. I have met her kind before, and she is likely to be… most trying.”

Celestia gave a bell-like laugh and went to rest a comforting hoof on Luna’s shoulder.

“Oh come now, sister,” she said jovially. “I’ve had to deal with a great many trying ponies in my years. I mean, I still live with you, don’t I?”

She gave Luna a playful nudge. Luna glowered at her.

“You sent me to the moon.”

“That’s besides the point,” Celestia said quickly, maintaining her grin. “I’m sure I can handle being the royal welcomer for whoever this fine creature may be.”

“I’m telling you,” Luna said slowly. “If you go try to welcome her, she’s going to drive you up a wall. You’re going to eventually just snap, and you’ll probably send her to the moon.”

Celestia frowned, more of a pout than a look of real concern.

“Do you really think I’m capable of doing that to someone I’ve just met?”

“Again. You sent me, your sister, to the moon.”

“And again, that’s beside the point,” Celestia said, her smile returning as she gave her sister’s shoulder one final pat of belittling comfort. “I can handle this, and I can do it without sending her to the moon. Pinkie promise.”

~*~

The sun was hanging just below the horizon, waiting for Celestia to draw it into the sky when Celestia finally soared above the area where she’d seen the flash of light. It made the sky a mixture of blue-grey and gold-amber, and made the shadows soft and long against the earth. Below her, she could see the form of an unfamiliar equine, standing, looking up in a clearing. As Celestia approached, she could see that the figure had a long horn protruding from its long mane. It looked to be… a unicorn!

Why would Luna be so concerned about another unicorn coming to Equestria? Sure, that one with the dress fetish was annoying sometimes, but none of them were really that bad. She circled in on the location, and deftly landed across the meadow from the newcomer, so as not to startle her.

“Greetings, traveler from a distant world,” she called melodically to the unicorn. “I am Celestia, ruler of this domain. You are welcome here! What do they call you?”

The figure was still a moment, and then slowly raised its head.

Celestia was greeted with a pale, white-blue form, neck long and slender not unlike her own. The unicorn had a small, demure mouth, and alert rounded ears, and lashes so long that they seemed to tickle her own brow line. Her rump was adorned with three blue crystals, not unlike that dress horse’s cutie mark, and her tail extended back from there long and thin, with a tuft of rainbow hair at the end, like a lion’s. Her technicolor mane blew in an unseen wind, and as she slowly opened her eyes, Celestia was caught by surprise. They were large, larger even than her own, and bugged out to either side like massive goldfish eyes. She got the feeling they were supposed to look lovely. They didn’t.

As she watched, the unicorn reared back, pawing the air with her lilac hooves. She tossed her head and opened her mouth to reveal two massive sets of flat teeth. Her eyes never blinked, just shimmered, as she emitted a shrill noise.

“NEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHGHGHGH!”

Celestia stood there in shock, blinking, as at last the falsetto noise ceased, and the pony returned to all fours.

“Er…” Celestia said, unsure how else to respond.

“My name is Celestabellebethabelle!” the unicorn said breathily. “Last of my kind.”

“Well,” Celestia said haltingly, as she quickly replaced her welcoming smile. “You are in a realm of many unicorns here so-”

“Last of my kind, I say!” the unicorn snapped quickly.

Celestia noticed that her mouth wasn’t even moving as she spoke. Her horn just flashed a muted, glowing pink, and words just materialized out of the air as sound. It was disconcerting, to say the least, but no matter. Perhaps this was the way all beast communicated in the other world. The rudeness, however, she hoped was not standard.

“Very well, perhaps you are unique, given where you came from,” Celestia said evenly. “I welcome you to Equestia, land of-”

“Are you of pure and perfect heart?”

Again, Celestia was taken aback.

“Er, I am unsure what you mean, stranger.”

“I may only be talked with by those who are pure of heart, and I can see inside your heart, you know.”

Celestia glanced down to find a light up heart across her chest. She looked at it, then up at Celestabellebethabelle.

“That is a very nice bit of magic,” she said gently. “But my heart is not even located there. You see, horses have a broad chest, and the heart-”

“Nonsense, I can see into your heart, and know you have done wrong, Celestia! Impure!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Wrong I say!”

The pair were silent a moment, as Celestia drew in a deep breath to steady herself. This strange newcomer was not just rude, but was now being genuinely hurtful! Celestia knew she had a thicker skin than a few insults could penetrate, but still. She was beginning to feel a creeping at her nerves whenever this creature spoke.

“I suppose that is true,” she said at last. “But who can say that they have not done wrong at some point in their lives?”

“I can,” the unicorn said with a toss of her head.

There was another moment of silence. Celestia could feel herself slipping. Was this bitch for real?

“Well, be that as it may, I hope you will find some peace in your stay here,” Celestia said, an edge of annoyance in her tone. “There are many kind ponies here who will be happy to give you a place to stay.”

“Bah, I will stay in whatever shack of a palace you have here,” the unicorn said haughtily.

“The palace is where I reside, and I do not think that would be possible.”

“You?” The unicorn scoffed. “I hardly think you deserve it, considering the kind of misdeeds I see in your heart. I suspect it’s a complete dump anyhow, though.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I suppose I’ll have to take it off your hooves though. It’s not my fault you’re a bad person, after all.”

Celestia’s eyes narrowed.

“It is impolite to treat a generous host, not to mention royalty, in this manner.”

The unicorn, tossed her mane once more, and let out another ringing noise.

“NEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHGHGH!”

“I do wish you’d stop that while we are speaking.”

“Royalty, huh,” the unicorn sneered, narrowing her own eyes. “Don't act so high and mighty, we both bleed the same sparkly rainbow blood, even if you have wings and a crown."

"Sparkly rainbow blood.... what... I..."

"Why are you so royal anyway, because your mane moves all the time for no reason? Mine does that too. Plus I’m skinnier, I bet you let yourself get fat all the time and have to constantly diet to even get to the tub of lard you are now.”

Celestia felt her face flush. There was no mistaking it now. This stranger was trying to pick a fight. And this was not a fight she wanted to pick, because Celestia hadn’t had her coffee yet. It was a dangerous game to play.

“I would watch what I say, if I were you,” she said in a soft, cold murmur. She began to approach the other beast.

“Oh yeah?” the Unicorn said, leaning forward, somehow triumphant. “Did I hurt your precious feelings? What are you gonna do about it? Huh? What ya gonna do?”

“Is it a fight you want?” Celestia growled.

“Bring it bitch, I have better moves than some child’s toy wannabe.”

“I usually raise the sun, but I’ll raze you if you try anything.”

“Then it’s a fight you’ll get!” the other unicorn cried.

Celestia readied for a charge, lowering her head, preparing a spell that would disable the creature and deflect any magic sent her way. She watched as the other creature’s horn lit up as well, charging, and then…

All at once, a burst of electronic music began to echo through the clearing. Celestia froze, looking swiftly about her to see who was playing such a bass-heavy synth beat. It took her a moment to realize that it was coming from the other unicorn. She stared in horror as the creature bobbed its head back and forth, horn glowing, music blaring from her loudly. After a moment, the unicorn seemed to notice that Celestia wasn’t moving, and the glow went out of her horn. The screeching dance music ceased.

“What,” Celestabellebethabelle said. “Yours doesn’t do that? Wasn’t… wasn’t a music battle what we were doing?”

“Er… no. No, mine doesn’t just do that.”

“Oh,” the other animal said.

The pair lapsed into silence. Perhaps this was all a misunderstanding, Celestia thought. Perhaps she could salvage this, put her efforts back into diplomacy, as she was good at. It could be scary coming to a new realm, especially if you didn’t understand the customs. Maybe this poor soul was just trying to-

“What kind of lame unicorn can’t even play rave music with her horn?” the stranger said with a scoff. “You really are pathetic. I mean, what can that horn of yours do, hm? Bet it can’t even do anything useful.”

She neighed once more, sounding more like a man trying to imitate a female voiced horse than she'd ever heard. Celestia again felt rage building in her again.

“You… you…”

“Oh come on you silly simple mare,” the unicorn said. “Show me what you’ve got. I dare you. Whatcha gonna do, huh? Whatcha gonna…”

~*~

Luna glanced up from where she was napping as she heard the door to the throne room slam shut. All the guards jumped at the noise, but Luna merely smiled as she saw Celestia marching down the red carpet towards her, brow furrowed.

“So you sent her to the moon, huh?” Luna said lightly, not even trying to hide her smug expression.

Celestia paused, and at last turned her gaze to her sister. Her eyes were haggard and sullen, devoid of most emotion beyond annoying and exhaustion. Her posture was slumped, as if she’d endured a great trial.

“Luna…” she said, her voice sounding dry and cracked. “Her horn just glowed and played rave music. Rave music, Luna.”

Luna regarded Celestia for a long moment, then gradually began to nod her head.

“Okay, yeah, you did the right thing.”

“Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find a magic spell that makes it so no more portals will ever open here.”

Luna blinked.

“B-but what about Twilight and that bipedal world and-”

“Nope. Done.”

“But what about all those morals she’s supposed to learn in-”

“NOPE!” Celestia barked as she turned to leave the room. “Morality be damned! She’ll have to learn lessons and grow as a character and shit without that garbage. No. More. Portals.”

And with that, the door slammed behind her, leaving Luna alone in the throne room with her thoughts. She stared after the door as the echo of it slamming began to die down. Then, at last, she gave a simple shrug.

“Well,” she said with a sigh and a smile. “I guess today I learned that morality is relative.”

-End-

Author's Note

It's been a tough week, and I needed some light catharsis. I'm surprised I've never written this one before. Hopefully Hirsch would be proud of me.
NEEEEEEEEIIIIIIGHGHGH!

P.S. There's a sequel to this story done by deadpansnarker. Go read dat shit now. Do it. DO IT!