Spinoff

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Royal Guard, Random, Princess Celestia, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2572

Given My Little Pony's massive success, Twilight Sparkle decides it's high time for both the Princesses to have a show all their own: a spinoff.

Given My Little Pony's massive success, Twilight Sparkle decides it's high time for both the Princesses to have a show all their own: a spinoff.

Now if only Celestia or Luna had any idea how to write a real show.

Published 2017-11-11 00:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-11 00:10:06 UTC

Blueberry Celestia

Princess Celestia seemed less than surprised when her younger sister suddenly barged inside her office and skidded to a halt before her desk. Princess Luna took a moment to catch her breath, giving the smallest of head nods to the three Royal Guards huddled around the doorway.

Princess Luna raised an armored hoof excitedly. “Excellent news, Celestia!”

“Twilight Sparkle has agreed to grant us our own show?” Celestia finished for her curtly.

“Why… yes.” Luna was obviously taken aback. “But how did you—”

“Know?” Celestia finished again. “Because I heard you, Luna. The entire Kingdom probably did. Why can’t you just send magic letters like everyone else instead of standing on the castle balcony and yelling directly at Ponyville?”

Luna frowned. “What better reason to use the Royal Canterlot Voice? And Twilight is getting much, much better at it! She only had to use her oxygen tank twice this time around!”

“Regardless,” Celestia began, exiting her desk chair and circling towards Luna, “we finally have our own show!”
Then she hurriedly hugged her sister, bouncing together on the spot.

“About darn time,” she whispered under her breath.

“What was that?” Luna asked.

Celestia pushed her away, smiling again. “About coffee time? We do have a lot of work to do now, dear sister.” She summoned one of her guards to fetch a fresh pot along with some cream and sugar; less than a minute later, it arrived, and the sisters each took seats around her desk. “So, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought…” Celestia started.

“As have I,” added Luna.

“And as long as we make it to one hundred episodes, we should be fine.”

Luna raised a curious brow. “Why that particular number?”

“Because that’s when syndication rights kick in,” Celestia explained, sipping at her coffee. “Meaning rerun after rerun; meaning that our show never stops circulating. Even if we should be cancelled immediately afterwards.”

Luna laughed. “Cancelled? Us? Never.”

Celestia didn’t take the subject as lightly. “Don’t recall the show Queen Chrysalis’ 18,000 Kids and Counting? Or The Joy of Painting with Tree Hugger? I don’t recall either of those shows making it past their first season run. So, with that in mind, we must tread carefully.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning our show must be new… while at the same time remaining the same.”

Slurping loudly, Luna finished her current cup of joe and poured herself another. “I am finding myself needing more coffee to understand where you are going with this.”

Celestia settled her hooves on her desk. “Twilight’s show is the reason we’re even getting a show of our own, so ours must remain like hers. At least until we have an audience of our own.”

Luna began shaking her head vigorously. “Do not say it, Celestia! Do not dare utter those disgusting words in my presence!”

“Slice of life,” Celestia said, causing Luna to angrily smash her coffee cup against the ground.

“Oh, wait. I was still using that,” Luna muttered, quickly repairing her cracked cup with her horn.

“But I’m not saying that all episodes need to be like that!” Celestia added fast, hopeful to quell her heated sister. “We still have our epic season openers and finales to look forward to.”

Luna pouted in her chair. “But why cannot all episodes include joyous stuff such as that? Things like fire and smoke and grim battles to the death?”

“Because that’s not what’s popular these days, Luna. Also: very expensive. When was the last time you even used that battle sword of yours?”

“This morning! To butter my toast!”

“And isn’t our show supposed to be about what we do in our every day lives? Here? In this castle? Busy running all of Equestria?” Sighing, Celestia told her, “Let’s not get caught up on specifics, okay? Let’s worry about our first episode. Our pilot. All right? Which I know are always tricky as they have to introduce all the characters while still telling a complete story. Any thoughts?”

Luna stared at her steaming cup of coffee. “Can this be one of our ‘epic’ episodes?”

“Considering it’ll be our very first: Yes. Yes, it can.”

With renewed energy, Luna leapt off her chair to loudly announce, “An ancient evil has returned! And only two Princesses stand in its way!”

“Ladies.”

As smooth as a snake dipped in oil, Discord casually entered through one of the room’s many doors and smiled at the pair like some hungry shark.

“I heard an ‘ancient evil’ was needed here?”

“You heard incorrectly, Discord,” Celestia said, motioning to her guards. “Kindly escort Discord out from this room and slam the door in his face, please.”

The guard saluted. “With pleasure, your highness.”

Then he did just that, tossing Discord out into the hallway as if he weighed the same as a feather. He locked the door straight afterwards.

“Thank you,” Celestia said, facing her sister again. “Not a bad opener, Luna. But haven’t we gone down that road more than once before?”

“But not on our show!” Luna lamented childishly.

Celestia tapped her chin in thought. “We need a fresh opening. Something Twilight’s show rarely does.” A thought soon came to her. “Maybe it doesn’t need to be an ancient evil that’s returned. What if it’s a romantic old flame that’s come back? Seeking retribution against one of us?”

“Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies.”

Again, Discord entered the room as slick as a Slip-N-Slide sliding off a waterfall.

He tipped Celestia a wink. “I hear an ‘old flame’ was needed in these parts?”

Celestia faced her guards once more. “I thought we locked that door.”

“I brought this door from home,” Discord told her, grabbing the door in question and shoving it into some unseen pocket. “But that’s beside the point. I hear you two have a show all your own now. I want on. Come on. Throw a Discord a Fluttershy. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!”

Celestia set her cup down and rolled her eyes. “You’re already on Twilight’s show plenty.”

“Two episodes a year?” Discord spat out hotly. “If I’m lucky! No. I need more than that. Much more. And this is the perfect way to get it. And don’t the three of us just make sense together?”

Luna raised a hoof. “I thought Discord was not supposed to make sense.”

“I know what I said!” Discord screamed, before calming himself. “Now. Where was I? Oh, yes. The three of us. Immortals. Ancient beings. Respected. Admired. But let’s be honest here.” He waved a sharp claw between the two Princesses. “You two? Boring. Me? Not boring! Add that all together and what do you get? Perfectly adequate TV material. Not great, but what else you gonna watch wasting your life at three in the morning, munching on day-old hay fries?”

“There’s not a single chance of that happening, Discord,” Celestia told him evenly.

“I agree with my sister!” Luna added next. “You would only use our show to insult us or turn our lives into complete mockery!”

“Ow. My fragile heart.” Discord moved towards Luna, two mismatched hands held over his heart. Or where hearts normally were located. “How you wound me with such words, Blueberry Celestia. Why, I happen to think the world of both you mares. Haven’t I ever told you how ground breaking I find Celestia?”

“Truly?” Luna asked.

“Wait for it,” Celestia grunted out.

Discord sneered. “Haven’t you ever noticed that wherever she walks, the ground breaks?”

Luna furrowed her brows. “I do not understand.”

Celestia filled her in coolly. “It’s a fat joke. He’s calling me fat.”

“How dare you!” And just like that, Luna had tackled Discord to the ground, hardened hooves pressed tight against his throat. “How dare you make mockery of my sister’s magnificent posterior!”

Using her aura, Celestia pried the pair apart. “It was a weight joke. Not a butt joke.”

Luna turned to her quizzically. “Are you sure?”

“Enough,” Celestia said, attention focused on Discord again. “You want on our show? Prove it. Present us with a story. A good one. A worthy one.”

Excitedly, Discord jumped to his feet, vigorously rubbing both hands together. “All right! Here we go! Prepare yourselves!” He paused as both mares moved not an inch. “Prepared? Good. Here’s the title: Discord Goes Hat Shopping.”

“So, what happens?” Celestia dared to ask.

“Are you daft?” Discord replied sharply. “I go hat shopping.”

“The entire episode?”

“Yep.”

“For twenty-two minutes.”

“I’m a rather picky shopper,” Discord told her. “But I haven’t even gotten to the good part!”

“There’s a good part?”

“The life lesson! All good episodes have those.”

Luna decided to join the conversation. “That you had the perfect hat at home all along?”

Discord waved a hand. “Please! The lesson for this episode is that hats are dumb and my head was perfect the way it was all along!”

Using both hooves, Celestia shut her eyes and slowly rubbed at her temples. “I think I’d rather go actual hat shopping than watch that.”

Discord growled in his throat. “Fine. Here’s story number two! Celestia’s pregnant. So, who’s the poor pony that somehow made Celestia even bigger than before?”

Nodding reluctantly, Luna said, “I hate to admit it, but that story does sound a tad intriguing.” Then she pointed to each Royal Guard in turn, spooking them all. “Was it Guard Number One that did the dirty deed? Or perhaps it was Guard Number Two that plundered the Canterlot jewels while no pony was looking! Or was it Guard Number Three this whole time?”

Celestia still hadn’t opened her eyes. “Those guards all have names, Luna. You really will need to learn them eventually.”

“I was on the moon, Tia!” Luna yelled back. “For a thousand years!”

“And you’ve been back for seven years more. You’ve had plenty of time.”

“Would it kill them to wear nametags? I must’ve shoved that in the suggestion box at least a dozen times by now.”

“Quit stalling!” Discord chirped, banging a hoof against the ground. “Do we have a show or not? I have no problem going solo, you know.”

This time, Celestia had the pleasure of tossing him out.

The window, that was. And onto the thorn bushes below.

ONE WEEK LATER

Celestia looked up from her floating length of scroll and found Luna half-asleep on the other couch. Angrily, she kicked out a leg and rocked the couch Luna was peacefully snoozing on.

“Hmm? What?” Luna asked groggily. “Break time already?”

“No more breaks today. Not until we crack this opening scene.”

“No snack breaks, either? What about coffee? Or tea? Whatever happened to recess?”

“You’re thousands of years old, Luna. Recess is gone. Recess is dead. Regardless, let’s see what you’ve come up with.” Then she used her horn to snatch up Luna’s short bit of scroll to give a lookover.

INT. DAY – CASTLE:

PRINCESS LUNA enters scene.

LUNA

Greetings, Celestia, Princess of the Sun.

That was literally all that was written there.

Celestia sighed. “Maybe try something a little less formal. More… youthful, perhaps?”

Irritably, Luna grabbed the scroll again and made a few corrections. Then she gave it back.

INT. DAY – CASTLE:

PRINCESS LUNA enters scene.

LUNA

~~Greetings, Celestia, Princess of the Sun~~.

Yo.

Then PRINCESS LUNA awoke screaming in bed, shivering and damp for having dreamt about having to say something so juvenile and dumb. Or was PRINCESS LUNA, in fact, still dreaming after all? Duh-duh-duh! (Yes. Yes, she was.)

Celestia set down the scroll again. “You can’t keep ending each scene with a dream twist, Luna. Ponies won’t stand for it.”

“Sure I can!” Luna said, lifting her chin proudly. “Am I not the master of dreams?”

“That may be true, but that doesn’t—”

Celestia’s own scroll flew out of her aura and into Luna’s. She laughed as she read.

INT. DAY – CASTLE:

PRINCESS CELESTIA enters the scene and tells a joke.

(JOKE TO BE PLACED HERE UPON COMPLETION; PERFERABLY INVOLVING TAXES OR TEA.)

AUDIENCE laughs. PRINCESS CELESTIA bows gracefully.

At the same time, both Celestia and Luna set down their scrolls, shoulders slumped.

“Perhaps, we should’ve taken Twilight’s advice and hired actual writers for our show,” Celestia admitted painfully. “Well, since we both completely suck at this… want to get tipsy on wine and watch an episode of Discord’s new show instead?”

Luna nodded happily. “You had me at ‘we can stop writing now’.”

Seated together on the couch, the Princesses flicked on their floating screen and watched as Discord shot inside his studio “house”. In the show, he had on a baggy suit and polka dot tie.

“How’s everyone doing today?” he asked the audience cheerfully.

“WHY WON’T YOU LET US LEAVE!?” shrieked an unseen member of the studio audience.

“You hear about this in the news? You hear about what’s been happening lately?” Discord continued unperturbed.

Luna pleasantly munched on her popcorn as she asked, “How many episodes is he up to now?”

“A couple of hundred, at least,” Celestia answered, already finishing off half her glass of wine. “He shoots over twenty episodes a day, mind you.”

On the screen, Discord stopped suddenly. “Wait a tick! Did someone just say tonight’s secret word?”

“NO ONE SAID ANYTHING! PLEASE, SOMEONE! MAKE IT STOP!”

Discord’s eyes shot open gleefully. “Does that mean it’s once again time for the Discord Dance?”

“YOU ONLY KNOW ONE MOVE! PELVIC THRUST! THAT’S NOT EVEN A DANCE!”

Before the dance could begin, though, someone rang the doorbell to Discord’s place.

“Now who could that be?” Discord asked himself, before answering the door. “Why it’s Cowboy Applejack! Say ‘Hi’, kidnapped studio audience!”

“I MISS MY FAMILY! I WANT TO GO HOME!”

“What you plan on teaching us today, Cowboy Applejack?” Discord asked.

Applejack faced the camera with a wide smirk. “Why, how to properly eat an apple, of course!”

On the couch, Celestia nudged Luna. “Crossover episode. That’s what we should’ve done.”

Luna only nodded and munched on her popcorn. “I shall yell off the balcony to Princess Cadence after the show and check her availability.”

Back in Discord’s “playhouse”, Applejack had produced a helpful apple pie chart alongside a handy A.P.P.L.E.S. acronym to assist with her lesson. She held a hoof to the chart.

“Now A stands for Appetite, y’all! Because without that, what’s even the point of eating an apple? P, of course, stands for Position! Standing always works for me. Or sitting. Or lying down. P can also stand for Passion! Because I can’t think of anything that deserves more passion in this world than apples. L! Need I say more? It stands for Love, ponies! Love! And E for Energy! Because without that—”

Without taking her eyes off the screen, Luna asked Celestia, “Want me to yell Discord’s way while I am out there? See if we could get a spot on his show?”

A moment later, the Applejack on the TV screen was randomly buried under a large mass of grape jelly, ending her apple eating lesson quick. Discord then took this opportunity to dance atop the jelly mound.

Celestia quickly polished off the rest of her wine. “That’s a hard ‘no’ from me.”

Author's Note

Damn it, Cowboy Applejack! What does the 'S' stand for? :rainbowhuh:

Wouldn't you like to know. :ajsmug: