My Little Pony Head

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6
Length: 3289

After the unfortunately unproductive visit of one Celestabellethabelle, cosmic forces being what they are have decided to deposit another unwelcome visitor in Equestria. Now it's Twilight and friends that are sent out to meet them. Those poor fools.

After the unfortunately unproductive visit of one Celestabellethabelle, cosmic forces being what they are have decided to deposit another unwelcome visitor in Equestria. Now it's Twilight and friends that are sent out to meet them. Those poor fools.

One for Star Vs The Forces Of Evil fans, or lovers of insane crossovers. A big thanks to Anonpencil, who was kind enough to give me permission to write a sort-of sequel to his masterpiece. :raritystarry:

Published 2017-11-10 09:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-10 09:10:06 UTC

'Their most dangerous mission yet'

"Hello, my dear friends." Celestia said to the heroes of Equestria who'd selflessly just put their everyday lives on hold to answer her summons in Canterlot, yet again. "I'm sorry I had to call you here today at such short notice, but I require your help with a matter of the utmost emergency."

"Ooh, do we get to save the world again?! I love saving the world! Everypony at Wonderbolt HQ buys me a cider at the bar when I do. It's so nice not to have to have a tab." Rainbow Dash grinned while flexing her wings, looking forward to the potential challenge ahead and the associated perks that came with it.

"Tch, the only thing that needs 'saving' around here is you from your own ego." Applejack frowned at Rainbow, her disdain for the blue pegasus's penchant for grandstanding coming through live and clear. "Didn't you learn anything from the Mare-Do-Well incident? I swear, it's like half the ponies 'round here pick up some new stuff in their head, only to forget it a week later."

"I-I hope it's nothing serious..." Fluttershy wilted slightly, her hooves covering her face as she quivered. "It was bad enough leaving my animals behind for so long while we were out battling the Storm King, and I'm also afraid Angel will try to lead an uprising against me again if I leave him to his own devices. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to quell a sectarian army? Well, do you?!"

"Oh come on Flutters, it wasn't that horrible!" Pinkie beamed to the yellow pegasus, trying to cheer her up. "We made a new friend in Fizzlepop Berrytwist, plus we can go and can and swim with Novo and Skystar whenever we like now! I loved being half-fish, sometimes I even licked my tail to see how good I tasted! Mmm! Fishy!"

"Er, not quite, Pinkie darling!" Rarity was quick to remind the party pony regarding the limitations of the ocean-dwelling royals' hospitality. " We mustn't wear out our welcome with them, like we almost did when we tried to steal their..."

"...Let's focus on the matter at hoof, shall we?" Even though Rarity was trying to be diplomatic, Twilight knew in her heart of hearts that there was only one alicorn responsible for almost getting them banned from Seaquestria permanently. "So then Celestria, what seems to be the trouble? By gathering us all here together today, it must be something major, and we'll be ready to handle whatever..."

At this point Luna, who'd until now had been silently smirking in the background of the throne room, turned to her sister with a quick question. "So, art thou going to burst their bubble, or shall I?"

Celestia shot her sister the most baleful of looks, before turning back to their confused guests with an elongated sigh.

"We recently had the 'pleasure' of hosting a visitor from another realm..." Celestia spoke almost through gritted teeth, and if the listening ponies weren't so sure she was a benevolent being who loved everything exactly equally, they would've sensed a scintilla of animosity there. "...Unfortunately, the initial first contact procedure didn't go quite according to plan due to certain 'complications', so I'm afraid I had to send our new 'guest' on her way."

"What my sister says is true, but once again she's trying too hard not to offend anypony..." The far more forthright Luna was ready to lay it on the line. "Basically, the sole 'complication' was that Celestabellebethabelle was a complete bitch, and nopony from any far-off planet or alternate dimension should have to deal with the likes of her. Oh well, I wonder if she's enjoying my old digs on the Moo..."

"Thank you, dear Luna, for your invaluable contribution to the conversation as usual..." Celestia unexpectedly cut off her sibling halfway through her last word, which had the odd effect of making Luna sound like a heifer. "Anyway, we recently received a message that another visitor from a distant galaxy has seen fit to bless us with a visit, and this time I want my most trusted ponies to engage them first. I'm warning you six here and now though: I won't be tolerating any funny business from our new alien guest. Just try to keep your cool, always maintain a level head and don't go falling for any of that 'dance party contest' or 'you're so sinful' schtick."

"Yeah exactly, in other words..." Luna leaned forward with a snarky grin. "Do the exact opposite of my hypocritical sister during her initial meeting with Celestasmell-whatever."

"Okay, Luna. You've had your fun. Shall we give it a rest now, and return to more princessly duties, like sitting around all day and giving orders?" Celestia then turned back to the saviours of the land to make good on her demanding responsibilities. "The creature has been spotted floating around the treetops of the Everfree Forest, so you might want to check there first. Good luck, my little ponies. You may have tamed Tirek, crushed Chrysalis and smashed Sombra, but I get the feeling this may be your toughest mission yet. Onwards, and upwards."

And with that somewhat uninspiring speech the six Elements Of Harmony departed by land and air alike, while an exhausted Celestia slumped back into her chair, looking as if she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. Or maybe, she'd just eaten too much cake.

"They're doomed Luna, I tell you... they're doomed. I might have to place an ad in the paper for new heroes soon. What do you think, over a hundred words, or under? The castle treasury isn't as full as you might have been led to believe."

"It's a shame to hear thou sound so pessimistic Celestia, because I was going to ask if maybe thou wanted to make things interesting..."

"NO Luna! Bad Luna! No bets! No prizes! Nothing at all, other than me upstairs taking a nice cold shower, and hoping against hope things turn out for the best. You pony the fort while I'm gone, and I'm not to be disturbed under any circumstances!! Unless, you want to make us both a spot of luncheon, that'll be quite nice."

As a frazzled Luna went upstairs to numb herself underneath a tirade of freezing water, Luna obediently took up her position in her sister's throne.

"Hope there's enough room on the moon for a couple of foreign visitors." She mused, while staring off wistfully into the distance. "They might have to share a crater or two, but it should be okay. Maybe I'll pop by sometime to say 'hello', see how my former home is doing... for old times sake, naturally. Not that I miss it at all, of course. A thousand years is more than enough for anypony to get sick of a location, no matter how roomy. Now, let's see which unsuspecting serfs walk through that door expecting to see kind, loving Celestia here only to discover little old intimidating, boomy-voiced me instead. This should be fun..."

......................................................

"I could be back at the farm, bucking apples, sorting through apples, eating apples, basically doing something with apples, instead of wandering through this creepy forest on a wild goose chase." Applejack wasn't exactly happy at the moment, and boy howdy, didn't she want everypony to know it.

"Um... Applejack, I wish you wouldn't call it 'creepy'. Some of my best friends come from around here..." Fluttershy as usual was reluctant to confront anypony, but she felt she must defend her animal buddies. "I'm sure if it's all you've ever known, it's actually kind of nice."

"Pff, speak for yourself, darling." Rarity scoffed at the yellow pegasus's naive words, while glancing around nervously at any nasty beasties that may be lurking in the undergrowth. "I didn't spend three hours brushing my mane this morning to muss it up in this weird woodland."

"Don't worry Rarity, if anything wants to come out and fight, I'll show 'em who's boss!" Rainbow Dash growled, while putting on her best shadow boxing display. "I'll give 'em a right hoof, then a left... you just try and stop me!"

"Wherever I go with you girls is a super fun time for me!" Pinkie as usual wasn't about to feel down for a single second, as she forced the party to stop momentarily while pulling them all in for a giant-sized hug. "Also, don't you remember my song the first day that we all met, about conquering your fears? Altogether now: 'You've got to giggle at the ghosties'..."

"There's no time for that now Pinkie, I think I see something ahead..." Twilight announced, motioning for the rest of the party to crouch down. " It's sort of hovering in the sky, flying about without any particular direction in mind. It's the strangest thing... it looks like a pony, but..."

"Oh my gosh you guys, I am like super-pumped I've finally discovered some vaguely normal beings out here. And I'm not even counting the giant glowy-eyed pooches made from twigs, so don't even make me." Despite Twilight's best efforts, the bizarre lifeform had found them with it's keen eyes from on high, and didn't it have a lot to say. "I mean, you're still kinda freaky looking with all your hooves and wings and butt tattoos and whatnot, but who am I to judge? I'd get one done... but I'm terrified of needles, or even have a butt, know what I'm saying?"

The six ponies stared up in stark amazement.

"It's a..." Rainbow Dash gulped.

"Unicorn, like me." Rarity said in shock.

"But she..." Fluttershy whined a little.

"Doesn't have a..." Applejack tersely continued.

"B-Body!" Twilight completed the sentence with a noticeable stammer.

"Hi, how are you doing? Did you have an accident, or something?" Pinkie cheerfully asked, never allowing a small thing like the lack of a full skeleton or any limbs to get in the way of making a new friend.

"You know what pink one, I'm think I'm doing sorta okay. Unlike the rest of your friends, who really could do with going on some kind of manners course." The blue furred disembodied flying unicorn head frowned at the rest of the party pony's group, before continuing. "I'm like, Pony Head and I'm from a world which is much better than yours. I'm looking for a pair of scissors, which might be able to return me to that paradise. Have you seen anything like that lying around here?"

"Oh, maybe I can be of some assistance there!" Rarity jumped at the chance of offering her services, and took a keen step forward. "I work with scissors all the time in my job as a fashion designer, and I'd be more than happy to..."

"Let me ask you this, oh unicorn sister of mine with the added encumbrance of having to go the toilet..." Pony Head stared down at Rarity, obviously underwhelmed by what she was hearing. "Can your handy dandy scissors cut through the very fabric of time and space, instead of just fabric?"

"W-Well, not quite..." Rarity confessed, looking uncertain all of a sudden. "They can easily handle most clothing materials though, and every possible stitching you can possibly think of."

"Just as I thought, then... totally useless." Pony Head abruptly turned away from a disgruntled Rarity to face Twilight. "Hey, you. You look like the one in charge here, with your big wings and horn and everything. I don't suppose you've heard of a Princess Star Butterfly, have you?"

"...I think I know all the other princesses in the realm, but I personally have never heard mention of this 'Star Butterfly'." Twilight racked her big egghead to no avail. "I know of a 'Starlight Glimmer', but she's not with us here today. She's with my number one assistant Spike visiting her friend Sunburst in the Crystal Empire, as well as looking in on my niece Flurry Heart. There is however, a 'Fluttershy' with us right now. If you wish to ask her or me anything whatsoever about Ponyville or Equestria, feel free! We'd be more than happy to help you out."

"Y-Yes, that'll be fine. N-Nice to meet you!" Fluttershy did her utmost to sound cordial, but despite her best intentions she was still slightly worried by the loud floating creature in front of her, and it showed through her voice.

"Ugh, all of your first names and place names sound totally lame here! And I think I can do better than taking the advice of some geeky hybrid and her cowardly sidekick, anyway." Pony Head was obviously not impressed by what she'd seen so far, and left Twilight and Fluttershy in a bit of a hump. "Tell me, are there any hot guys around here? Don't tell me I've landed slap bang in the middle of a world populated by a single gender. Oh, I hate my life sometimes, I swear!"

" 'Hot guys', you say? Well, a few stallions like to hang out at the sauna, if that's what you're after..." Applejack scratched the back of her head, slightly getting the wrong end of the stick. "Heck, even tough ol' Rainbow Dash here likes to have the occasional hooficure there! You oughta to see her squiggle and squirm when she's on the treatment table, but she loves it really, no matter what she might tell you otherwise!"

"H-Hey, you didn't have to say that to her!" Rainbow Dash murmured to a slyly smiling Applejack. "That kind of information is on a strictly need-to-know basis, and we don't even know who we're dealing with yet! If it turns out she's a threat, how am I going to defend everypony if she thinks I'm nothing but a softie?!"

"Oh sweetie, I already do!" Pony Head cooed suddenly, the visible stars in her eyes shining intensely. "Just look at you, you're completely adorable with your multi-coloured mane and that whole faux-punk thing you've got going on! Your friend with the hat though, doesn't have a clue about the opposite sex! She really needs to get laid, know what I'm saying?"

By this point, Pony Head had already pissed off pretty much the entire entourage of equines, except for their most ebullient member. Taking stock of all the angry faces around her, Pinkie Pie decided to take it upon herself to settle things down a bit by injecting a bit of levity into proceedings.

"Come on everypony, give Pony Head here a chance. Don't you remember what it was like when you all moved to Ponyville for the first time, and didn't have a clue how to fit in? Now, I say her arrival calls for an emergency welcome party, attended by every single town member! Gummy can help me organise everything: that alligator can sure blow up a mean balloon... Wait, why are you laughing?"

"Nothing, it's just..." Pony Head had just started chuckling like mad, as if she'd bare witness to a very amusing joke. "...You have a pet alligator? Called Gummy?! That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard! In fact, this whole universe may be the stupidest place I've ever visited. And, that's some strong competition. Wait 'til I tell my friends and the Earth turd about it! Oh, the hilarity!"

You just knew when Pinkie's mane started to go down upon hearing her beloved reptile be so grievously insulted by the newcomer, that shit was about to get serious. Unable to tolerate any more of her friends and adopted home being belittled and ridiculed, Twilight silently gestured to something in the sky as if plotting her next course of action.

Everypony seemed to agree with it, including a crestfallen Pinkie who would never again think kindly of a stranger without speaking to them first. Once that kind of innocence is lost, it can never be recovered.

Poor, unsuspecting Pony Head was still up in the air giggling manically when she was caught in the mega blast. It took her up through the clouds, sailing through the stratosphere, past all the meteors and meteorites into space...

ALL THE WAY TO THE MMOOOONN!!

When the arrogant bigmouth was finally gone from view, everypony could finally breathe a sigh of relief. Pinkie's mane returned to normal, the upcoming party was well and truly cancelled as each pony made a solemn vow to each other:

"What's done, is done. Now, never let us never speak of this evil again."

...........................................

"There she goes..." smirked Luna on her borrowed throne, watching Pony Head get blasted away from Equestria until she was but a mere twinkle on the horizon. "I hope she'll be happy up there with her new friend. Perhaps they can split the moon in half, and rule it equally. If it gives them a sense of stability for the long term future, I think they should go with it."

"Hey, could you keep the noise down please?" Celestia chastised her sister from one of the turret windows. "I'm trying to dry my mane here, and the screams coming from the sky and your allegedly witty banter isn't helping me get all the tangles out."

"...Sorry, sis." Luna sighed. She wished her sibling would develop more of a quirky sense of humour, but as long as she didn't have to go back and live on that ghastly satellite in space, she guessed it was okay. Visiting other pony's dreamworlds might get a bit tedious after a while, but it was nowhere near as bad as living up on a barren rock. As those two are about to find out, bwhahahahaha...

......................................................

"What the... where the heck am I now?" A slightly singed Pony Head remarked at the end of her long journey into the unknown. "Why is it so dark and difficult to breathe? Why does it look like a lifeless wasteland? And... what's with the golf balls scattered everywhere?!"

"Oh, thank goodness!!" A high-pitched voice grated from behind Pony Head, caused her to rear up and neigh in surprise. "I've been here alone for so long, and had no-one to judge or boogie with. I'm so happy! La la la la la..."

Turning around to face whatever vile beast spoke in such an irritating manner, Pony Head was greeted by the grotesquely unpleasant sight of Celestabethabelle staring back at her with those big purple eyes.

"Ugh, well you're like, the most hideous thing I've ever seen." Pony Head recoiled in disgust, before noticing something fall out of her mane. "My magic scissors! Oh, of course... I always put them in my hair for safekeeping! How could I be so stupid? Well, whatever-your-name-is-and-frankly-I-don't-care, I have an appointment with a hunk and an extra large goblin dog back somewhere vaguely habitable, so I'll bid you adieu! Enjoy your moonrocks and your moondust, because this beautiful babe is outta here!"

And just like that, Pony Head cut through the air itself and disappeared into nothingness, leaving Celestabethabelle all on her lonesome once again. Feeling momentarily sad, she suddenly remembered Pony Head's suggestion and decided to act on it, staring down intently at the differently sized stones around her while shaking her head disapprovingly at them.

"You boulder, are completely sinful! Look at you... taking up all that space on the ground! And don't think that lets you off the hook either, pebble! I see you there, ready to make me trip on you later on...!"

Author's Note

I hope everyone enjoyed this sequel to one of my favourite stories on the site, especially Anonpencil who's brilliant fic was the inspiration behind this madness! Well that's it... see you again soon with more utter lunacy. :raritywink: