Day God Is Not Great in Equestria
You are Anonymous, the only human in Equestria, and you just woke up, bright and early. As usual... courtesy of Celestia's nuclear furnace.
You need to get some damn curtains or something.
Scratching your chin as you walk downstairs, you absentmindedly stare out of a nearby window. Another beautiful day in horsetopia... the only thing you can complain about is the temperature, and even then it's only slightly warmer than you would prefer.
Your new life might not be one of paradise, but besides the obvious loneliness you experience as the only member of your species on this planet, things are honestly not too bad.
You turn the covfefe machine on before walking up to your front door.
You open it, grabbing the newspaper sticking through your mailslot and unfold it, raising an eyebrow at the front page news.
'LOCAL CHARITY SALE SCANDAL! ADULT APPARATUS FOUND IN CUPCAKE!'
Huh, guess she finally found her missing dildo.
Fucking Pinkie Pie.
Beyond that though, there's nothing that piques your interest. Why do you even have this delivered to your house every day? Surely Derpy could make better use of her time than dragging her fine ass to your doorstep only to drop this pile of shit in front of it.
At least, she bothered to stick it halfway into the mailbox today... you honestly can't fault her for anything, really. You can't imagine how much of a boring, menial fucking job it must be.
After all, it's not like she has the cutie mark for it.
As you finish reading the second page, you can't help but groan. It's just... bla bla Twilight Sparkle something friendship bla bla harmony whatever. Some might call you edgy, but you can't stand this constant hugbox bullshit. It's making you nervous, getting you on edge.
Back on Earth, four billion years of evolution had all but ensured that most species would tend towards a more aggressive, competitive behavior. There's something unnatural about this 'everyone is friendly all the time' shit, like they're all faking it or being possessed or something.
Ah, whatever. Your coffee is done.
Before you can sip on the sweet nectar however, you hear a knock on your front door. You get up, groaning and silently ranting about the man keeping you down.
The door opens and you come face to face with a blue pegasus with a book in her hand. Er, hoof.
You'll never get used to this.
"Anon," she begins with perhaps a little too much enthusiasm for this hour of the morning, "why did you never tell anypony about the history of your world?"
"The history of my world?" you question, your eyes wandering on the book she's holding. "Where the hell'd you get that?"
"Huh? Oh, Twilight had it in her library. She said she found it on you when you first showed up here."
Oh.
So that's where it went. Though you cannot remember the events leading up to you finding yourself in another dimension, you do remember that you had a copy of the Holy Qur'an on you when it happened. You're still working on figuring that one out.
You wish you could have had something useful instead, like a damn science book or something to hopefully help advance this technologically stunted civilization.
"Do you not care about our souls? I mean, you could have told us about the word of Allah!"
Sure, you could have.
But let's not.
"Dash, why are you here?"
"What do you mean, why am I here? If my salvation depends on-"
"Hang on."
"What?"
You let out a loud fart, causing the blue pony to jump back in surprise. Should you tell her? ...yeah, you'll tell her.
But not right now.
"It's way too early for this shit. Please go away," you 'request', slamming the door in her face.
"ANON, THIS IS IMPORTANT!" she shouts from behind the closed door. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL UNLESS YOU-"
"Goddammit," you mutter.
"EXACTLY! PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!"
Ignoring her, you sigh loudly and wander back into the kitchen, grabbing your cup of coffee. You take a sip, only to realize that it's now cold.
"Great," you grumble, quickly drinking the rest of the cup.
This is why you despise religion.
Well, among a slew of other reasons.
"Hey Anon!"
"Derpy," you acknowledge the gray mare who just let herself into your house through the opened window.
"I heard you no longer wanted the newspaper delivered to you?"
How the hell could she know? You only had the thought this morning... meh, it's probably magic. There's always some serious fuckery going on in this world, and it's always magic.
Fucking magic.
"Yeah, I think you could save the time it takes you to fly all the way to the edge of town. I mean, it's mostly inane bullshit I couldn't care less about."
"O-oh..." she looks away dejectedly.
"What?"
"Didn't you read page 67?"
Page 67? Sweet fuck, man. You've read shorter novels than that...
"I, um, won an award for making the best-"
Your stomach suddenly growls loudly enough to interrupt the little pony.
"Sorry, I guess I'm a little peckish."
You weren't in the mood for a good breakfast after Rainbow's visit followed by a ruined cup of expensive gourmet shit. You need to find that book and burn it before other ponies can get their hooves on it.
"I'm hungry too," Derpy says, pausing a little before adding, "but I'm trying to lose a bit of weight, so..."
She trails off and you're pretty sure she's ranting about being too fat or something, but as your gaze firmly rests upon the perfection that is her butt, you feel the need to intervene.
"Don't you fucking dare."
She suddenly looks up, startled.
"Lose one gram and I'll fucking cut you, swear on me mum."
Seriously though, this god tier butt must remain thicc.
"O-okay..."
"Tell you what," you propose, "why don't we go out and grab a bite to eat? Hayburger, my treat."
"I... I think I would like that."
"So would I," you smile.
She'll probably never see you as anything more than a friend, but for the sake of everything that is holy, you must preserve that butt.
Dammit, why are you suddenly obsessed with her ass?
Probably because you're not currently busy pleasuring it. Allah be damned, you need to worship that derrière.
Walking into Ponyville, you spot a rainbow-maned pegasus zooming by, holding something in her hooves.
What is that mare up to now?
You decide the best course of action remains to ignore her, instead focusing on the cute gray pony trotting alongside you, an extended wing holding your hand. It's unimaginably cute, and you-
Your thoughts are cut short by a net falling on you. It barely reaches your waist and you remove it with a frown, before turning around.
"THROW IT ON HIM, NOT ME!" you scream at a confused Rainbow Dash.
"What?"
"Nothing," you groan, rubbing your temples. "What are you actually doing?"
"I tried to catch you... but I forgot you were like, twice the size of a pony."
"You forgot," you flatly repeat.
"I... look, you need to explain to me everything about Islam!"
"Dash, you said you read the damn book."
"Yes, but a lot of it is hard to interpret... I'm trying to read between the lines and I thought you could help me."
Right, interpretation of a holy book. Always guaranteed fun for the whole family.
"How about instead of trying to read between the lines, you read the actual fucking lines?"
"I..." she stares for a moment, a look of confusion etched on her face. "You mean, it's all literal?"
You ponder this for a few seconds, looking at the sky.
"Might be," you conclude.
After all, you're pretty sure Luna could have the power to split the Moon in two after you 'rode her to Heaven'.
"...and then I had to walk all the way back home. It's pretty dangerous to fly when you're dead tired, but in that weather it's practically suicide."
You're sitting at a table with greasy food in front of you and an adorable gray horse sitting next to you, and after listening to her disastrous date, you can't help but have a thought for your faithful Spearow 'Kenya'. Flying you everywhere despite being fainted almost all the time... man, what a trooper.
Still, you've had terrible dates yourself but hers sounds like it was a fucking disaster.
Derpy stuffs another piece of burger in her mouth, chewing while making cute, contented noises. How can one be so unbelievably adorable? This level of cute could be weaponized.
"Hey, Anon! Here you are," a familiar voice booms from behind you.
Turning around, you're met with a fucking faceful of fast flying female ~~fone~~ pone.
"Dash... what do you want? I'm kind of having lunch with Derpy here."
"Hey Rainbow Dash!" Derpy greets her.
"Wait, did you follow us all the way over there?"
"Yes. I want to know more about Islam."
You choke on your own saliva, suppressing a sigh of despair. She won't leave you alone unless you do something...
"I already told you, Dash. It's just another religion."
"...JUST another religion?" she trembles, visibly shocked.
"Yes, now can I please stuff my fat face without the stench of seventh century barbarism hanging in the air?"
"It is the one and only truth! Allah is the creator of Heaven and of Earth and nothing may compare with him, he is the one alone!"
"Yeah, well, as someone who used to inhabit the Earth, I can assure you that this is untrue."
"How do you know?" she asks incredulously.
You take another bite from your burger, chewing messily before swallowing loudly.
"I'm really not in the mood to have an epistemological discussion with a fucking horse," you reply simply.
"Speaking of that, you lied to me! You told me there were no pegasi on Earth, but the prophet Muhammad-"
"For fuck's sake," you interject, leaving her staring at you in confusion, "can't you just let Derpy and I eat in peace, please? I'll tell you all about it another time, I promise."
"There is no time, not when our souls are in danger! What if I die right now? Allah himself said-"
"Dash, I'm so seriously now."
"I just want to know the truth!"
"Truth is that which comports with reality, and nothing in this book qualifies," you reply, pointing at the Qur'an lying next to your glass of water.
She grabs the book, slamming it hard against the wooden table.
"YOU WILL TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT ALLAH!"
You pinch the bridge of your nose, ignoring the other customers' glares fixated on the angry pegasus. Derpy is just staring in a mix of amusement and bewilderment.
"Alright," you begin, "I will tell you about Allah. The only thing you need to know about him is that he is..."
She leans in closer to you, eager to hear the one absolute truth she's certain is forthcoming.
"THE GREATEST!" you shout, causing her to recoil away. You grab your fork and knife, raising them above your head with a predatory grin. "ALLAHU AKBAR!" you scream repeatedly, causing Rainbow Dash to shriek and fly away in fear, bumping into the wall before finally blasting out of the building at relativistic speeds.
You put the cutlery down with a snort and a retarded smirk on your face.
That feel when you just defeated an Element of Harmony with the Takbir...
Suddenly remembering a very important thing, you grab the book Rainbow left on your table and open it, a bleak glare on your face.
Twilight must have discovered (and even worse, thrown out) the bacon you were drying in there. As fun as blasphemy is, bacon makes it even better... dammit.
This hippy ass horse world has no meat, for the most part. You're a manly man and everything, you don't eat goddamn flowers. Eggs and dairy products are enough to sustain you, but fuck you need some actual animal flesh to thrive.
Except that you're not going to eat anything with cartoon intelligence, which even insects seem to possess around here... sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but you'd never know 'cause you can literally have a conversation with the motherfuckers. At least as long as Fluttershy is here to interpret.
And also because you never actually had pumpkin pie.
Opening your door, you're about to enter your house when you spot Derpy merrily trotting inside your living room.
"What are you doing?" you ask, confused.
"What? ...I thought you wanted us to, you know..."
"No, I'm afraid I don't actually know."
"Gosh, this is so embarrassing..." she mutters under her breath. "I thought you wanted to... be with me? That you had just taken me out on a date, you know?"
Oh...
OH.
Oh well, it's not like you're ever gonna see another human again, right? Besides, that butt... yeah, you can't find a real objection to this.
"It's fine, Derpy," you reassure her.
"I'm sorry, it's just that I've been alone for a very long time and I thought-"
You walk fully inside the house, closing the door and grabbing her by the barrel, effectively silencing her.
You carry her upstairs, ignoring her surprised yelp, and place her down on your bed.
Before you can run maximumsnuggle.exe, she speaks.
"You know, when you told Rainbow Dash off, I thought it was because you wanted to be alone with me."
In truth it was mostly because she was being a nuisance to you (and everypony else in the restaurant), but what the hell. Derpy's presence is definitely enjoyable, she's cute as a button and her ass reigns supreme over the realm of pony butts.
"Derpy?"
"Yes, Anon?" she looks up at you with those gorgeous, impossibly large eyes... well, one of her eyes is looking at you at least.
Fuck, what are you supposed to do now?
"...wanna make out?"
A strong blush forms on her face as she looks away, twiddling heavily with her forehooves.
Holy shit, that is cute.
"I'd like that," she eventually says, staring back at you.
You smile, closing your eyes as you lean in, her hoof brushing your thigh as your hand makes its way into her mane, gently pressing against the back of her head until your lips meet.
Later that evening, you're lying in bed with a cute, pudgy and warm little pony in your arms. She's pretty enjoyable to be around, but she's even more enjoyable to hug. God, this soft fur and snuggly little hooves trying to wrap around your midsection...
3cute5u
"Hey, Anon?"
"Yes Derpy?"
"You said that the book Rainbow Dash had is not true, right?"
"For the most part, it's not. I mean, there are a few actual facts about reality jumbled in amidst those incoherent ramblings, but the vast majority of the important stuff can be put into one of two categories; not evidently true, and evidently not true."
She seems to ponder this for a few minutes.
"Why would people write such a book, then?"
"I don't really know," you admit. "Primitive people trying to make sense of the world around them and, unsurprisingly, getting practically everything wrong. Mix that up with oral traditions and ancient mythology in a time of superstition and near complete scientific illiteracy..."
"How long ago was this book written?"
"Well, assuming time works the same in this world, about fourteen hundred years ago."
"Wow... and in that short amount of time, your people managed to uncover so many actual truths about the Universe?"
"If you only knew... in the span of barely a hundred years, humans went from believing we would never achieve flight to landing on the Moon."
"Y-you... you went to the Moon?"
"Not me personally, but yeah, we did."
"Holy crap..."
"That's the power of science. Once you ditch the millennia-old bullshit that has no application, no basis in reality and no connection to reality, and start dealing with reality on reality's terms... well, shit gets real."
"We have science too," she argues.
"Sure, but you're a couple of centuries behind humanity in many aspects. Perhaps you should focus less on magic and more on... other stuff."
But then, who are you to say that magic isn't some fundamental force in this Universe that holds everything together? It could be the equivalent of quantum foam, string theory or whatever the hell people have been speculating... you're no physicist, the only thing you know for certain is that whoever named it string theory needs to be skullfucked with a rusty crowbar.
"You know Anon, you could probably learn how to use magic."
"I thought only unicorns had magic?" you reply in confusion.
"Of course not. They're the only ones who can manipulate it at will, but magic permeates everything, including every living creature. Look at me, for example."
Maybe she has a point, if magic does permeate everything, then you're literally breathing and eating magic, then those molecules are absorbed into your body as old ones are flushed out, and you're literally full of magic.
God, your head hurts now.
"Anon?"
"Huh? Sorry, I spaced out for a few seconds."
"Look at my wingspan," she says as she unfurls her soft wings. "And now look at my... flanks," she pouts.
"What about them?"
"Do you really think I could fly without magic?"
You never really thought about that, you merely chalked it up to this world seemingly operating on cartoon physics. She's making an excellent point, however.
"So it's the same for Earth pony strength and stuff like that?"
"Yes, all pony races are very similar, magic is what allows us to excel at different things. On their own, horns and wings would serve no purpose."
Jesus Christ.
You don't even want to think about what kind of twisted, ass-backwards evolutionary process could have led to this shit.
You are Derpy, and Anon is definitely a nice guy to talk to, despite being a little weird at times. According to him, 'Darwin would roll over in his motherfucking grave right about now'.
You're not sure what that means, but it hardly matters. He gives great cuddles and amazing 'special massages', as you call them.
You really feel like you should lose some weight or else you're gonna turn him away, but he told you that if you wanted him to keep making you feel good, you'd better not lose a pound.
He also added that you should respect his authority.
After talking a bit more, the two of you eventually grow tired and slowly fall asleep, snuggling with each other. He's warm, his touch is gentle and his soft breathing does wonders to lull you to sleep.
He might be a strange alien from a different world, and he might even be a 'useless loser piece of shit' if his words are to be trusted, but darn if he isn't cuddly.
You wake up with a scream, staring at the wall as you slowly begin to assess your surroundings.
This fucking dream again... every single time, it feels so vivid, so real.
It's been over fifteen years since you were violently deflowered by that fat fuck, and the memories are still very fresh in your now adult mind.
Honestly, after a moderately challenging Elite Four, you were shocked (and absolutely delighted) to learn that you were basically only halfway through the game. I mean, fuck, that is how you make a fucking sequel!
Your excitement slowly died down as you began to steamroll through the entire Kanto region.
Gone were the trainers with a near full team in the mid-forties, you were now fifteen levels higher than just about anything. Everything that wasn't in the possession of a gym leader was an automatic one-shot, and even then, gym leaders themselves were complete pushovers.
Janine in particular was pathetic enough to elicit from you a sigh of pity. But then she poisoned your shit, so you fucked her up good anyway.
Shortly afterwards, you were making your way through Mount Silver, internally rambling about shitty game design and how HM moves needed to fuck off. It all culminated in you walking up to the teenager and challenging his ass, fully confident that you could handle it.
But after shrugging off a ridiculously overleveled rodent and a blisteringly fast and obscenely powerful - albeit physically deficient - fork-tailed cutie, you realized that you could not.
A thousand pounds came crashing down on you, OHKOing everything you had except for your Suicune, who couldn't hope to do a goddamn thing in return.
Every now and then, even all those years later, you still have that PTSD-esque dream of Snorlax bodyslamming your shit to hell and back.
The worst part is knowing you could have prevented it.
You could have Allahu Akbar'd your Graveler in his face... at least if you had trained it. It was probably still level 30 or something.
You could have caught a Misdreavus and walled the fucker, though, then proceeded to Requiem his ass (Requiem sounds better than Perish Song, fuck you).
You could have trained 'Muscle' and Cross-Chopped him. You could have used X-items! You could have-
"Anon?"
Oh, right.
The dream is over, this is the real world. And in this world, instead of an obese fucker brutally violating you, there's a cute cuddly pony in your bed. You lie back down, wrapping an arm around her pudgy frame, pulling her closer to you.
So soft and warm... fucking hell, you'd do anything to wake up next to this for the rest of your life. Please, don't let this be a one-time thing...
"Anon, please tell me this wasn't a one-time thing..."
Oh thank fuck... you love this little mare. You really think you do.
"Please don't leave me..."
"Nigger please," you say flatly.
She blinks twice very fast, before going back to hugging you as hard as she can. Which is surprisingly hard, for a marshmallow horse.
Her hooves wrapped around your neck, you plant a loving kiss on her cute little muzzle, causing her face to scrunch up.
"I love you, Derpy. You're the cutest, softest and most adorable little pony I've ever seen."
"I think I love you too, Anon. You're the greenest, most alien ape I've ever seen."
You can't help but erupt in laughter, soon joined by your new girlfriend's.
Perhaps with this little mare by your side, this can and will be a life of paradise.
