A Collaberative Conundrum

Chapters

Intro 1/2 Stefan
Chapter 1 1/2 If you give a dog a bone. What do you give a cat?
Chapter 1 2/2 Playing house
Chapter 2 If the cat's have pajamas what do dogs use?
Chapter 3 Was it a right or a left at Albuqureque?
Chapter 4 If the kids these days are so dumb, how bad are the parents?
Intro 2/2 Derail

Intro 1/2 Stefan

The Pinnacles, Kentucky. I’d been hiking there for years, both alone and with friends. The sun shone through the bare branches of the trees above. The sheet of clouds that left a blanket of snow on the ground in the morning hours were in the distance, dumping over the fields of dead grass. The wind bit through the layers I wore under my jacket as I hopped out of my truck, coat unzipped. Fifteen degrees, with more snow scheduled for that evening meant that I’d brought all my winter gear: Boots, courtesy of the National Guard, a large black coat with one of those furry hood-liners, a pair of gloves, a scarf, and a balaclava. The rest of my gear, packed safely in my ruck, was mostly just for weight: Several changes of clothes in a dry bag, my lunch, a whole sleep system, a hammock, a Gerber tool, solar charger, and plenty other gadgets and items that I thought I might take with me either for weight, or when I actually went backpacking. Lashed to the back of my backpack were my camelbak, and a foam sleeping pad. The most important item, though, sat in a black case behind the driver’s seat. An AR-15, two full magazines, and in my pack a can of around 250 rounds for it.
I set to lashing the AR to the side of my pack, and put the magazines inside a pocket in my jacket.

The pack itself must’ve weighed around seventy-five pounds when I put it on, and only seconds of standing with all of the straps fastened and tightened left my shoulders aching. The bluetooth speaker I used to listen to music in the car went inside the pocket next to the magazines, and I locked my truck up.

I was already seriously regretting my decision to go hiking this weekend.

By the time I reached the Indian Fort, I’d already had to take a break to relieve the burning in my… everything. My neck was sore, my shoulders and calves were on fire, and if I’d regretted my decision when I started, now was the time that I regretted my life choices the most. The view, though, was worth it.

From the top of the hill, I could see for miles through the trees. Snow-covered pasture in the valley, hills stretching to the horizon, and the sun hanging above it in a clear blue sky. I snapped a picture with my phone, sat down, and just took in the scene for a moment.

After ten minutes of sitting, drinking water, and reading messages on my phone, I decided to get moving back to the trail head. There was one more thing I wanted to do before I left: visit the Devil’s Kitchen. I’d never been down in it before; I always passed over it to get to the West Pinnacle, though it’d interested me for a while. I picked up my pack, and set off on the next leg of my journey.

When I got there, I immediately felt that something was off. The air was electric with the smell of ozone, and a blue light shone from deeper into the carved-out area of rock. The Devil’s Kitchen was aptly named; It looked as if someone came and carved out a brick oven or a forge in the side of the hill. The opening of the oven-shaped formation was big enough to fit three people, which is where the light came from.

I stepped closer, and the sound of my boots echoed off of the time-hewn rock.

“I’ll be fuckin’ damned.” I said.

A peek inside the oven revealed a shimmering silver surface, which also turned out to be the source of the light. I reached a gloved hand into the oven, and touched it.

I awoke in pitch black darkness, laying on my side. A quick self-inventory revealed that everything I had was still on me, so I took out my phone and turned on its flashlight. The room I was in was made of some sort of dark crystalline substance that seemed to suck the light from my phone into itself, like it was… feeding off of it or something.

There was an entryway to what, upon investigation, looked like a staircase carved from the same crystal that everything else was made of. Without a clue as to what was happening, or why, I climbed the steps up, and up, and into a world I’d known for years as fiction.

Chapter 1 1/2 If you give a dog a bone. What do you give a cat?

I yawned loudly stretching out while I thoroughly enjoyed the flexibility that my feline body had. Though I was fairly flexible before, being able to rotate your torso one hundred and eighty degrees as you bend over backwards and pop each individual vertebra was disturbingly satisfying. Though the sounds that were coming out of me were not as embarrassing as they should have been. I then stretched out my wings one at a time taking them through a series of movements similar to how I would stretch out my old body’s arms.

Figuring that starting up a solid stretching and physical training regime early on would dramatically benefit me in the long run. However, no longer being human and having only a minor understanding of how my new body worked caused a few problems. Though, stretching things I didn’t have and stretching things in ways I couldn’t anymore resulted in pulling a muscle and that happened far too many times to count.

Seeing that I am now a Sphinx of all the possible things that I could have ended up as. Though I’m impossibly grateful for the stroke of luck that landed me in the body of a predator as high up on the food chain as a mythical magical flying cat. But in the back of my head I often complain about the fact that if I wanted to I could see this as one hell of a racist joke. But I digress.

It has been 10 years in this world since I showed up. Or was born… again. I try not to dwell on that as much as possible. Though my mother gave me quite the interesting name which happens to come out of my mouth each time I say my original birth name out loud. Though if I said the name itself it came out no problem which I honestly found quite infuriating. Yet nowhere near as infuriating as my mother found my riddles. The fact that I had a whole world's worth of cultures and innovations to make them out of tend to make them generally unsolvable and since I could be as vague as I wanted to be with the explanation of the answer it was easy to keep my original origins a secret.

To be frank about my new life up to this point was quite interesting once the shock of having it in the first place wore off. Though much to my chagrin my mother noticed that for a newborn I was far to aware and sentient and not the drooling crying mess most should have been. When I think back it ended up being a good thing as she took it for some sort of prophecy sign and I was at least treated with some manner of respect. Well as much respect that a mother would give their newborn child anyway.

Growing up at that time was quite relaxed in comparison to my old life of living in Kaibito. Though the whole single mom aspect that was going on this time around was an interesting touch. I never asked about my sire and she never brought him up so, being the thirty year old adult I was already mentally, I moved on. Till my vocal cords worked properly I talked to her a lot with gestures and charades till I had the fine motor control required to be able to write. Or draw in case of the traditional language of the Sphinx which turned out to be actual Egyptian Hieroglyphics.

It was at this point that I started putting random pieces of what I knew about this world from the designs of the stone building we lived in to the fact it has literally just been me and her and no other living soul together. Even her having the name Sekhmet should have rung a bell sooner but to be fair I was barely out of infancy and my knowledge of Egypt’s first few dynasties and belief structure was understandably rusty. Though, being referred to as The Lion god of Slaughter, Execution, and Blood Shezmu was a level of edge that predated the very concept of being an autistic edge lord was a weird line to walk on.

It of course took time and as I was growing and no longer an infant but a child and thus old enough to learn and be taught. Much to my dismay and embarrassment because I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was taught and trained in the duties expected of the Lord of Blood which involved butchering sinners. I also ended up killing demons in the underworld and prepared them and the unjust alike as food. If I wasn’t already a full grown person mentally I’m quite sure growing up like this would have really fucked me up in the head.

However it was nice to be able to interact with other beings than just my mother but demons, other hellish spawn, and the damned were not what anyone would call ideal. Especially so when they are generally screaming at me for one reason or another. Aside from them I only interacted with other sphinx and quite few in number as well. But, those who I did interact with claimed to openly worship me as a god among their kind. It was nice to be appreciated for the work I did and the gold and jewels they offered me were well crafted and set. If I can’t be a little vain what kind of god would I appear as to them?

When I was finally developed enough to be considered pre-teen I had slipped up before I could even have realised it. I had spoken out loud around her in English even though the only language I was writing and communicating to her was a weird blend of Demotic and Coptic called Sphinxian. She had looked me dead in the eyes and demanded how that I knew Equestrian and it was at that moment that everything that I learned came into focus.

Thanks to quick thinking and sheer dumb luck that the magic of the Sphinx could be abused in such a manner I quickly presented her with a riddle. A riddle that I boasted she could never solve but if she did I would explain everything to her complete satisfaction. But if she was not able to get it she would forget everything associated with what she wanted including the want she had. For several tense seconds we were both motionless as I feared that she would descend upon me as the Goddess of Fire and War that she was for daring to defy her. Yet, when she grinned and accepted my terms and challenge I had hope. I was but a child after all, how could I ever outwit a thousands year old goddess at her own game right?

“Alright… I accept your challenge. But know you this my son Shezmu. Upon my success, and your failure, your existence will be in great peril.” I admit it. With that grin and her confidence and the fact I was basing this all on a gamble I was absolutely terrified. With a gulp I started. “What walks on four l-.” I had cut myself off immediately because if this was Equestria in any capability that I knew from the cartoon minotaurs would count as a correct answer and started over feigning a cough. “What walks on four feet in the morning… two during the day… three in the evening… and none at night?”

For a short while she pondered my rather simple and, as far as Earth was concerned, well known riddle before she moved to speak but stopped before any sound managed to escape. Her look of contemplation deepened and I mentally sighed in relief already knowing that she just went for the Minotaur card and stopped herself from playing it at the last second. It was also at that moment I knew I had won. But still I knew gloating about an early victory could easily be a death sentence based off what I was doing for a living already.

When she finally looked up at me her eyes were wide with shock but there was a small smile there as well that looked like it was conveying that parental pride mixed with being bested by the young. Her expression relaxed before she looked my small frame in the eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. “I... don’t know.” It was at this a gold light glittered around her head above her ears and she laughed a bit and gave me a sardonic smile, “Before I forget all of this ever happened… what was the answer?”

I couldn’t have stopped my relieved laughter if I tried falling over onto my back and staring up at the darkened ceiling of the room. There is no way I would ever be able to look her in the eyes as I said this. I would be admitting to a mother that her child was never truly her own after all. “The answer is Man. When humans are born they crawl around on all fours. When they are fully grown they walk about on two feet and when they are old they use a cane and are on three much like Minotaurs. When they are dead they are no longer standing.”

Placing my paws over my ears and using my magic to shut out all sound. I just laid there for a while thinking about nothing. She was clearly a very wise and smart goddess. She would figure out the hidden meaning quickly. I don’t even want to imagine her being capable of fulfilling the role of a childless mother. Since I died I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to Earth, but still, I guess from now on I’ll be the child she should have had. If only I was a dick instead of an asshole I wouldn't have to deal with caring.

It has been a few years after that moment and true to the magic of the Sphinx my… mom completely forgot about everything and I never slipped up again. Only based off the prerogative of random chance did I bring up Equestria and other lands that this world my hold claiming a demon spoke of it causing me to be curious about the world at large. I still after all could be called a kid by human, and possibly every sentient race other than dragon, standards. So, being curious about the world at my age would be perfectly acceptable. When Sekhmet mentioned she was wondering when I was finally going to ask I just played momma’s boy card after momma’s boy card saying I loved her and I didn’t want to be too far from her but I was clearly becoming too old to be around her all the time.

Using it all as a ruse I said that I wanted to explore the world and perform my duties not just here in our lands. If there is so much for me to deal with here alone then surely just taking stock of what the rest of the world had going on would not be a bad thing. Seeing my reasoning as just that and to be honest that was partly true she agreed. It was not like the dead, demons and guilty were going anywhere. After all what was a Sphinx without wisdom and what is wisdom without knowledge.

In reality I was actually deciding to take up both my role as Shezmu and what I wanted to do before coming here. Because just like the Earth I left behind this world was perfectly fine with stagnation. I was not fine with that at all and being known to the rest of the Sphinx as ‘The one who can see in front’ would mean that being a forward thinker and wanting innovation would not be odd just interesting that I would be doing that faster than my Earthen counterpart. The real question I would be answering is not who I would see as worthy but who I would see as being in my way. It just so happens that what can be gleaned from the show would put pony culture right at the top of that list.

Chapter 1 2/2 Playing house

It seemed as if the stairs went on forever, but, as I climbed, the crystal around me grew lighter and more reflective. Instead of absorbing the light from my phone, the walls glittered and sparkled like some psychedelic prism of color. The seemingly never ending spiral staircase finally ended. However, its end was not at a door, or a hole in the ground: it was a wall. A wall with a conical divot in its center, that I climbed up to and ran my hands over. It was smooth, except for the divot. No etchings, no designs, no handles or buttons. Just a hole.

So, I did what any good Private would do: I stuck my index finger in it.

Light spread from where I touched, beginning as a small circle around the ring and spreading out in all sorts of shapes and colors. A rumbling issued from what must’ve been a mechanism in the ceiling as the door slid to the side, and more steps formed in front of me. Light filtered in in a sliver, at first, then a flood. I squinted as my eyes adjusted, and I took my first step on the newly-formed crystalline structure ahead of me, and into the world beyond.

When I reached the top of the staircase, I immediately took stock of my surroundings. More crystalline structure, with windows open to sunlight, or perhaps strong artificial light. A throne with a pink pony in it. Ponies lining the side of the chamber, lowering their spears but advancing trepidatiously.

Ponies? The pink one in the throne next to me was clearly equine. However, it had a picture of a crystal heart wrapped in golden filigree on its ass, a horn on its head, and wings at its sides. The others, dressed in armor though they were, glittered as if they were made of the same material the walls were made of. My brain stopped for a moment.

“Step back, creature!” This, from a pony that’d run up to me while I stood there, failing to process what was going on around me, and staring at the pink horned and winged creature in front of me. She, in turn, stared back.

“No, it’s alright.” The Pink One said, waving a hoof at her guard. Said guard backed off, but I could tell he still wanted to run me through. Pink stood from her throne, and faced me head on. “Who are you?”

Instead of an intelligent response, I provided this: “Whelp, I’m fucked.”

The subsequent conversation went about as you’d expect: Princess Cadence, who I’d guessed was the pony in front of me, but didn’t want to name just in case I actually was insane and seeing things, told me that I’d become an unexpected guest. Despite my sudden arrival the ponies were very hospitable, as Cadence, once I managed to explain my situation, gave me guest quarters in her palace and an invite to dinner.

Needless to say, dinner was an awkward affair. I sat down to the left of Cadence, two seats down. Cadence, at the head of the table, an orange and white unicorn to my right, what looked to be a foal directly across from me, and a white unicorn to Cadence’s right. Of course I already knew their names, but they introduced themselves, regardless.

“I’m Prince Shining Armor, and these two are Flurry Heart and Sunburst.” Shining Armor said. I looked to each in turn, giving a small wave and a smile to Flurry, and a nod to Sunburst.

“Nice to meet you all. Uhm, I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Stefan, and I’m, as I’m sure the good Princess has already told you, a human. I’m not originally from this world, so if I ask any weird questions, I guess just give me a break, eh?” I smiled.

“D-does that mean you’re an a-alien?” Sunburst said, eyes wide and ears angled slightly back. He looked both terrified and intrigued, if such a thing were possible.

I nodded, of course. “Yes, yes I am. I’m not exactly sure how far away my home is, but… I might be able to guesstimate if I took a look at your night sky.”

Flurry suddenly exclaimed “Blablian!” And teleported right in front of me. I jumped at the sudden intrusion on my personal space, and almost fell back into my chair. Flurry Heart, of course, paid no heed to my surprise, and proceeded to latch herself onto my head with all four hooves. “Seffan my blablian.” She said.

“Hon, my head is not Mount Everest.” I said, reaching up to grab the little princess and hand her back to her father, who looked about on the edge of uproarious laughter. When I laid my hands on her, her horn lit up, and she said:

“No!”

One loud popping noise later, and the baby that was firmly in my hands was… still in my hands. I couldn’t see it, as what happened had happened atop my head. But, as was later explained to me by Sunburst and Shining Armor, the amount of contact I had with her had caused her spell to fail. Now, that wouldn’t have been much of an issue if Flurry hadn’t poured all of her power into it in an effort to get it to work, which left her tired and hungry.

After a few minutes of trying to pry her off my head with the help of all three ponies at the table, I found that the ponies had opposable thumbs with which to grip things. They were smaller than a human’s thumb, but just enough to be able to grip and manipulate objects. As it happened, it was a vestigial adaptation. The magic in a pony’s hooves was more than enough to enable them to grip things and use them, but it existed as a relic of ponies’ prehistoric ancestors, which didn’t have as much access to magic as modern ponies did.

Along with that tidbit, I also learned the reason why I’d caused the spell to fail: I was resistant to magic. A spell, when channeled through a unicorn or alicorn’s horn, gets its energy from the soul of the caster. However, all spells require a magical ‘ground’ to store any leftover magical energy. If the leftover energy is too great for the ground to hold or pass, then the caster’s spell would fail and they may experience magical backlash. In this case, the leftover energy from the spell would disperse into the environment around the caster. As a magical resistor, I was not all that great at being a ground. Indeed, if I’d put my hand on Flurry’s activated horn in that moment, then I could have caused a backlash severe enough to kill or seriously injure her.

After that incident, I ended up avoiding Flurry Heart as much as I could. I would occasionally see her at dinner, or in the halls running from her parents, but usually she wore a magic-suppression ring around her horn to prevent her from causing much mischief.

I found myself working with Sunburst quite often, though. The wealth of knowledge the human world provided me with would, I thought, help advance the ponies’ civilization beyond that of their small kingdom on one world. In combination with magic, technology would see an even greater use than before, but the infrastructure required to produce the odds and ends necessary for all the complex machinery we needed would be mind-boggling. So, with my generous stipend, I began investing my money in various growing industries, and my time with Sunburst and the Prince and Princess.

Within a few months, I’d gotten a bit of a reputation as an inventor and a newcomer to Equestria, and, lo and behold, some journalist came by whilst Sunburst and I were working in the lab. He said his name was Green Quill, and requested some time to interview us.

By the time he finished, the young colt seemed absolutely giddy with the thought of writing up his article. He thanked us, and rushed off toward the train station not even five seconds after Sunburst and I answered the last question.

I didn’t pay much thought to it until a week later: Sunburst and I were all over the front page of every journal in Equestria, and soon ponies came up to me with questions about how it was on Earth, and what it was I was doing in the lab.

Sunburst took the fame a little harder than I did. Every time he went out in public, he wore a long cloak that hid his body from sight, and at every opportunity he asked me to come with him into town so that I would serve as a distraction.

This is not to say that I appreciated all of the attention, though. Six months in a world of magical ponies, and people were treating me like I hadn’t lived with their leaders for as much time.

I was grateful for it, though, the day I met a certain Sphinx from Teramu.

Chapter 2 If the cat's have pajamas what do dogs use?

When I arrived in the port city of Baltimare, the first thing I saw when I picked up a local newspaper was a human, sitting side-by-side with a unicorn that I knew from the show as Sunburst, and the subsequent article that detailed said human’s accomplishments in advancing Equestrian science, technology, and magical prowess. He looked young; in fact he couldn’t have been over twenty. Compared to Sunburst, I guesstimated his height at six feet at the least, close to my own six feet, two inches. I was still young and growing after all, though I doubt I would ever match my mother’s towering 25 feet on all fours, but I could dream.

The first words out of my mouth were: “Well, I’ll be.” In all honesty I should not have been as surprised as I was, since I existed as I did now. Regardless, the presence of a run of the mill human and what he was doing could not go unattended. As I was no longer actually looking at the paper, I tossed it back on the stand, and my mind raced as I thought about what he could have brought with him other than just his brain.

My two guards Khama’at and Mereneith, unfamiliar with Equestrian but wise enough to not question my outburst, shuffled a bit in concern. Suddenly distracted by their presence, I gave them a good look over since I hadn’t had much reason to do so after getting off the boat. As expected, they straightened their posture, standing on their hind legs with their head and eyes forward, and their wings slightly outstretched for balance as I inspected them. I needed them to be ready for whatever we found in the Crystal Empire.

Khama’at was the current captain of my personal guard: a position she earned through both combat experience and wisdom. She was a textbook example of a model officer. Her posture was perfect at the best approximation of the U.S. Army’s position of attention with a revolving rifle slung over her right shoulder.I modeled drill and ceremony in my Guard after what I'd learned on Earth. I figured that, if it worked there, it would work just as well here. I then inspected her 'armor'. It was quite generous to call it armor, as all she wore was a polished steel circlet with an enchanted gem above her forehead; a diamond to denote her rank. The enchantment itself was twofold: The first enchantment was a mentally activated kinetic barrier spell, and the second was a voice translocation spell that allowed the three of us to communicate, much like a radio.

Mereneith was, currently, the youngest member of my personal guard, at the age of seventeen. Despite her young age, she was particularly skilled and motivated. I made sure to be needlessly domineering as I inspected her fitted chestplate for any scuffs or blemishes. I was particularly meticulous because of her low rank; a tradition I’d continued from my time in the Army.. Regardless, both Khama’at and Mereneith shared the same enchantments on their armor even though Mereneith’s gemstone was an emerald. The rest of the armor is more decorative than functional. After all, I can’t have my guards looking bad, especially since they’re also my harem. The steel plate only covered their vital organs, and allowed them full freedom of movement, which is something that I valued more because my guard fought with guns, and not melee weapons. The associated tactics leant themselves to a more mobile soldier, thus the mobility came in handy. On both their arms, they had steel bracers that went from the wrist to the elbow. They also had gravity lock blades, which measured slightly shorter in length than their forearms on whichever side they favored. As a former left handed shooter I made sure to cater to both.

Stalking out of their sight, I made my way behind the two and continued with the inspection. On their backs were small packs that fit snugly between their wings and over the steel plate that protected their backs. In the packs were medical supplies and ammunition. Both the skills and equipment required to treat an injury were something that I provided my guard with. I had no desire to see them or myself die of a completely preventable or treatable cause. With a grin, I looked over their haunches with a small bit of pride. The muscle definition they had was truly appreciated when it came to their rears. The armor, styled like a pair of chaps, protected the inner and outer thighs with decorated steel and left the muscled flanks exposed for my, and the rest of my guards’, viewing pleasure. They wore hard leather sandals on their hind paws, to protect them should they need to kick, or move through rough or rocky terrain.

I turned away from the pair eager to get on with putting a few pieces into play before the game officially starts. I moved back from the exit of the docks, and made my way back over to the boat. My guard and I traveled on to see the rest of the guard going about their business; doing paperwork, moving cargo, and performing maintenance. I stopped a fair bit of distance from the boat, and had the guards form a half circle around me nearing thirty in number. While Mereneith and Khama’at flanked me looking at the sight of a bunch of cats clustered together looking at me curiously almost stopped my heart. Another close call.

I had laid out the framework of a small plan on how I would like them to acquire a large enough section of the dock and some near by land. In doing so they would have a base of operation and we could have a secure area to place things. They were permitted to use at least half of the gold, jewelry, pottery, and perfumes as trade before the rest are given out as presents. While doing all of this they were to be acting as if they won a vacation for their service. Which they did even if I was the one holding the contest.

Now understand here. I would be a horrible leader in my eyes if I couldn’t make sure that the people working off my word were not rewarded in turn. This is also a way to cover the fact that while they were in a standing army that belonged to a foreign nation they were not performing actions as, what would then be considered, an invading army of a foreign nation. Now I can only wonder to what level of power that Politics hold and I will use any advantage I can get.

If this human, ‘Stefan,’ as the article named him, was advancing the ponies’ technology, I would need to deal with him. It should be easy, I reasoned, to get him on my side. I was the only other human on whatever the fuck this world’s name was, and he’d definitely cling to something familiar… if only I could prove I was human, too. The massive winged feline look wouldn’t match his expectation, certainly.

The riddle. The same riddle I used on my mother could be used in this situation, too. Since none of these ponies knew it, he would have to recognize what I was talking about. Surely, if he had such a head on his shoulders that he could teach the ponies all this shit about technology, he would understand a riddle.

So, I hopped the express train to the Crystal Empire. For the majority of the journey, I was unmolested, except for when a conductor came by to ask for my tickets. I smiled broadly, which, of course, showed off the row of sharp, polished teeth I had in my mouth.

“My… Tickets?” I said. “You, little pony, are hilarious.” I stood from my seat, and approached him slowly. “Do you think that Prince Shezmu of Teramu needs… tickets?” My tail lashed behind me, and my smile grew as the conductor backed up. I stopped when he was just on the threshold of the door, and threw back my head. I laughed, as long and evil as I could manage, which was, I have to say, quite evil.

When the smell of piss hit my nostrils, though, I stopped, and pulled the tickets from where they were wedged under a bracelet on my foreleg. I held them out for him to take a look at, but he seemed more preoccupied with galloping away from me. I shrugged, and sat back down. Mereneith wrinkled her nose and shut the door as she was standing next to it the smell getting to her as well. Khama'at, however, looked up from her pack as she shifted through it and raised an eye brow at me. I stuck my tounge out at her while sprawling out on the bench like seating looking up at the roof of the train.

At the very least I could lick my balls to pass the rest of the time, or take a nap. I then looked to my guards and grinned toothily or I could busy myself a different way. Mereneith noticed my expression and her eyes widened knowing that there was probably nothing she wanted to do associated with my expression. "Onetwothreenotit!" A quick learner that one.

I awoke to the ring of my phone’s alarm. Six o’ clock, bright ‘n early, and of course I felt like going back to sleep. Something they don’t tell you about the Crystal Empire: the beds are amazing. They’re made of a semisolid crystal that’s magically enchanted to fit whoever lays on it. In comparison to a cushion of foam, or a box spring mattress, it felt like a waterbed but… smarter. I imagine it felt a bit like what one of those adjustable mattresses would feel like if it were made of liquid, but since I’d never been on one at home, I couldn’t make an accurate comparison.

What really made it special, though, was that the bed could also heat itself, so that all you needed was a thin blanket even on colder nights. That isn’t to say, though, that the capitol itself ever had a cold night. No, the massive dome of magical energy and the Crystal Heart saw to that.

After a moment of musing, I finally managed to gain enough will to drag myself out of my warm cocoon of blankets, and into the bathroom attached to my quarters. That is to say, it wasn’t really a bathroom: more like a weird bowl-like sink that I had to kneel to use. It, like most everything else in the Empire, was made of crystal. I picked up my toothbrush and my toothpaste, and got to brushing. Baths in the Empire were communal, so my morning washup would be done downstairs in the guest bathhouse.

The toilet, though, was right next to the sink. It was an in-floor model, much like you’d find in India or the middle east. It took some getting used to, but in the end it didn’t bother me as much as the sink did.

After finishing up with what I could do in my quarters, I brought out a change of clothes, a towel, some soap, and a washcloth down to the bathhouse with me. The guards were changing shift as I passed, and the few I knew waved at me, then went back to their duty.

The Crystal ponies were a little more hesitant to develop a friendship with me than their Equestrian counterparts. When I asked Shining Armor about it, he told me that it came from their previous enslavement to King Sombra. As I remember, he put it like this:

“King Sombra hardened them. I think they were already kinda like that before we got rid of him, but with the things they’ve gone through? I’m not sure I would trust anyone, except maybe my family. That’s what they do, though; once you make friends with a Crystal pony, they’re your friend for life.”

I didn’t doubt Armor, but it seemed like he was, perhaps, a bit more biased than the average pony would be. Stereotypes, while useful, were often only useful for a general projection about the society of a place, or about the society of outsiders looking in. In fact, one of the things I’d picked up on while Armor and I did our morning runs, was that the Crystal ponies were quite forward… in another way.

You see, a pony’s sense of smell is more sensitive than a human’s, especially when it comes to pheromones. The first few times Armor and I went on our run, I noticed that some Crystal ponies would stop and sniff the air around them, as if they’d been crop dusted or something. A few days and a few catcalls and rather lecherous comments later, and I asked Armor what it all meant. He chuckled, and explained it to me: Mares, in general, were the more sexually aggressive gender in pony society. While this wasn’t necessarily an issue in Equestria itself, the Crystal ponies were archaic in their views. And, as he explained, a stallion’s scent was quite a large part of determining the suitability of a mate. He later went on to apologize for not telling me sooner, as he’d assumed that I went out without a shower because I wanted the attention of the fairer sex.

I’d washed myself before and after our morning runs ever since. Now, that’s not to say that I didn’t appreciate the attention, but I had no desire to have half the mares in the capitol all at my door, or flagging their tails at me.

After I’d washed, I went down to the Crystal Heart pedestal to meet Armor. While waiting, I stretched, I whistled, and I blasted music on my phone via my earbuds until finally, after ten minutes of lounging around, Shining Armor comes out of one of the doors at the base of the Crystal Palace.

I took out an earbud. “Took you long enough. What, did you have to beat your meat or something?” I teased.

He stopped in his tracks, and his eyes widened. “Uh…”

“Yes, no? Yo? Maybe so? C’mon, don’t break on me. I need you, Daddy.”

He snorted and came to, shaking his head as if to rid himself of some unsavoury thoughts. He came up to me, and gave me a bemused look.

“You act so much like a mare sometimes, I wonder if you have a dick or not.” He said. I threw up my hands in an approximation of Neil Degrasse Tyson’s ‘please don’t blame me, I know nothing’ meme.

“I mean, unless you wanna take a look to make sure, then you get to keep on wondering.” I said, standing from where I sat up against the Crystal Heart’s pedestal. “Let’s go before this conversation gets any more gay than it already is.”

He huffed, and nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

We went on our usual route: Out a mile and a half from the Crystal Palace, then back after crossing over to another street. Armor and I sometimes bullshitted as we ran, but today was quiet. I kept pace alongside him, blasting yet more music into my ears, and spacing out as best I could. The first time Armor and I went on this route, I’d marvelled at the buildings that lined the side of the road, and the road itself. Most everything was made of crystal, as would be expected from a place called the Crystal Empire. Unlike the Crystal Palace, which seemed as if it had grown from the ground, the houses and shops in the city proper were cut and polished, as if someone went through and placed massive crystals on the ground, only to cut and mold them to their particular need.

It turns out that, as it happens, that’s what the Crystal Ponies did. As part of Sombra’s enslavement of the Crystal ponies, he made them build the city in the Palace’s image, so that it would keep them busy whilst he conducted his experiments on their loved ones.

One vendor, who was always out to greet us while we ran, waved as we passed by. Armor later told me that she was a young businessmare, having taken over her mother’s shop after she died.

There were plenty of stories like hers all across the Empire. Ponies who’d lost their friends or relatives to Sombra, in addition to their freedom. When I asked him if said ponies received some sort of compensation for their loss, Armor shook his head and said: “Well, we tried to offer, but they turned it down.”

To the Crystal ponies, the Equestrian-born monarchs were welcome saviors. However, they were not natives. Though they may rule now because of their deeds, and their connection to the Crystal Heart, it was clear to Shining Armor, at least, that they didn’t accept their new fuzzy overlords just yet.

At any rate, as we made our way back to the castle, we passed the train station. It looked busy, crowded with ponies as it was. Guards stood at the exit stiles, their spears held loose as they looked over the passengers’ belongings and scanned the passengers themselves with a Soul Detector Array, or SDA unit. These were installed after Sunburst and I did a little research into ways to combat the apparent changeling threat. The only surefire way to tell if someone was a changeling required a deep scan of their magical soul energy, the very same that they used to cast spells or make plants grow, and that pegasi used to fly.

It all reminded me very much of an airport back home, minus the TSA officer with gloves patting people down after they went through the scanner.

The rest of our run was rather uneventful. There were regulars just getting out and about waving at us, or giving us half-asleep hellos. Thirty minutes after we left, Armor and I arrived back at the Crystal Heart pedestal. A guard stallion came out of one of the doors at the bottom of the Palace, and cantered up to the two of us. He went to attention in front of Armor, and spoke.

“Urgent message, sir. You and the human’s presence is required in the throne room by your wife, sir. Something about an audience.”

“I… Did I miss an appointment?” Armor asked, glancing at me.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember the Princess saying anything about a visitor, or preparations, or anything.” I shrugged. “Could be a surprise visit. Do you know who it is?” I asked the guard.

“Looked like a winged cat with a pony’s head. He was a bit taller than you, I think. Said he was Prince Shezmu.” The guard said.

“Sphinx. Wonder what they’re doing here? They don’t have much to do with ponies, generally.” Armor said, his brow furrowed in thought. “Well, I don’t think we should keep Cady waiting. Let’s go.”

Armor led the way as he, the guard and I went to go see our curious visitors. On the way up, I puzzled at why the guard mentioned me specifically. Most diplomats that’d come by the Empire weren’t entirely concerned with me. Sure, they visited my lab on occasion, but none had requested an audience with me, yet. Well, aside from that one businessmare from Phillydelphia that wanted an entirely different kind of audience. Though, since she wasn’t a government official, I didn’t count her visit.

I cleared my mind for a moment, breathing in and out deeply. Speculating would do nothing to change the situation, especially considering the fact that there were so many unknowns. I didn’t know what kind of person Prince Shezmu was, nor did I really know that much about the sphinx in general. For now, my I would collect information: be as reticent as possible, without seeming a poor host. Watch their interactions with the others, and only speak when spoken to.

Of course, I thought, that plan would probably go to shit anyways.

Upon entering the Crystal Empire I started to notice the increased security level at each major city. There were numerous security checkpoints, all with armed guards. More curious, though, were the softly humming crystals embedded in the guarded areas’ arches and doorways. Every time I stepped through one, I felt as though my fur stood on end for a moment, and a very potent spell washed over me. Regardless of our bypass of Canterlot, the security measures were present at every train station along the way. I had no idea what exactly they were afraid of, but I had a good hunch that recent news of the Changeling Queen Chrysalis’ exploits had something to do with it.

Although, what I really wondered about was if news of my arrival had reached the Princesses' desks yet, and, if it had, the ramifications of such a realization. But, my question was answered when I saw the large concrete bunker that was the train station at the foot of the mountains guarding the gateway to the Crystal Empire. It seemed that espionage had been going on for a while. Still at least Chrysalis could still have a way in if she had help. Or be denied her last chance. I guess it depends on when we meet. This round is your’s Celestia. There was no way I could get to the Crystal Empire without you noticing.

After entering the city proper when I left the station at a small platform that was the main station for people. On the the city was a good deal larger than what was depicted from the show. There was a large amount of non crystal ponies going about as to be expected with the close partnership between Equestria and the Empire.

Chapter 3 Was it a right or a left at Albuqureque?

For a moment as he walked into the throne room, the Prince and I stared at each other. As we were both standing, we could see each other in total. Shezmu stood over me by an inch or two, which was impressive given the only pony capable of matching my height was Princess Celestia, who I’d yet to meet. Either way, Shezmu and his guards were certainly impressive; even more so when they stood on their hind legs at a suspiciously close approximation of the U.S. Army’s position of attention. Their weapons, too, were curious.

In my six months, I’d done little in the way of research on the Sphinx, but from what I understood about the MLP world before I arrived, and from what I knew I’d done now, guns shouldn’t exist. If these Sphinx had guns, then it meant they were either extremely intelligent and innovative, or… something else: They might have a human of their own.

If they did, I doubt they’d tell me. It was quite far-fetched, I thought, for another human to be in Equestria. But, if the portal I’d taken to get here was still active, then perhaps it didn’t just send humans to Equestria.

“Now, just look at who we have here, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza...” he motioned with a paw at me while facing the aforementioned ruler. “It seems that we might all have a chat together and we won’t have to go over things twice.” He chuckled lightly to himself with a slight malevolent tone as he started pacing about lazily. “Though I’m sure you have some sort of meeting room in which we can all sit comfortably. The throne room is quite awe inspiring but a bit lacking in seating.”

Cadence and I glanced at each other. In that brief moment of eye contact, I got the impression that she didn’t quite trust this Prince Shezmu. Neither did I, to be honest. I knew nothing about him, or even that he existed until the guard came to get Armor and I, so there was no reason to pay any undue trust to someone who was essentially a stranger. That said, he was a noble and any lack of trust wouldn’t prevent any of us from giving the Prince any less courtesy.

Cadence looked back to Shezmu, and smiled. “But of course, Kha Shezmu. If you would simply follow me, we could get settled in the Crystalarium.” Cadence got up from her throne, and Shining Armor followed her down the steps.

I briefly reminisced about the day I came from the hidden passage beneath the throne, and the look on Cadence’ face still gave me a little something to smile about. That bit of mirth died as I followed the gaggle of royalty off to wherever the ‘Crystalarium’ was.

With a grin I followed the Crystal Monarch down a short hallway to the fancy meeting room. Though, as we passed back through the throne room doors I had noticed that Shining Armor held back with a pair of guards flanking him. Seeing that it was just me and Cadence walking side by side I signaled my own pair with my tail to hang back as well. Though whether Shining Armor or the human noticed was of no real concern.

“Soooo… Princess. I couldn't help but notice that though you rule an empire, yet you are not referred to as an Empress. It took a few years to be quite familiar with your language so this doesn’t add up.” I smiled innocently looking at her with my head tilted ever so to the side as she looked up at me with a raised eyebrow. She had a look on her face that wasn’t quite shifty before comprehension replaced it as she had a little realization.

“Oh, I must apologize. You just speak Equestrian so well it slipped my mind for a moment that you are from a whole different continent.” She said. I gave a quick glance to the hallway as she motioned for me to follow her and turn at an intersection I had walked past earlier to get here. “Well, foremost I am the Ruler of the Crystal Empire, but I am also a Princess of Equestria.”

I kept my attention mainly focused on her so I was able to keep my ear from twitching as I heard one my guards’ claws clack against the crystalline floor. I could guess that since ponies evolved fromprey animals and that there were no Lunar Pegasi to be seen,none would realize that my guard was marking our path as we travelled and building a map in their heads. I nodded my understanding to Cadence, prompting her to continue.

She took in a breath before speaking, “I don’t know the extent of your knowledge of the history of the Crystal Empire but before I became the ruler here there was an Emperor by the name of Sombra. After I ,with the help of others, dethroned him I took his place. Not wanting to be connected to him in any way, I decided to keep the title of Princess to, at the very least, seem less imposing to my subjects.”

I nodded my understanding and smiled genuinely at her. “That makes perfect sense. No need to cause unease amongst the people who chose you.” I said.

We were coming up to the end of the hallway, and as I looked forward I saw a rather ornately decorated set of doors that were only slightly less impressive than the throne room doors. “I guess that would explain the statue of a dragon I walked past earlier to get to the palace. Though I do have one quick question before we get started.” I said. She looked to me, likely expecting another question about the Empire itself. “As I am sure that you have noticed, we are a bit… larger than you ponies, and I wonder as to what the seating arrangement will be like. The seats on the train were… cramped.”

Cadence giggled lightly, covering her mouth with a hoof. “Don’t worry. The table is lined with cushions, not chairs. Fairly large, plush, and comfortable cushions. Delegations and the like sometimes tend to drag on, and I do appreciate the more comfortable seating arrangement when they do.” I let a sigh of relief escape audibly as I was not looking forward to sitting on a stone chair after sitting on a cheap bench for so long on the way to the Empire.

A cyan glow emanated from Cadence’s horn as the door opened which got me to raise an eyebrow at that. It got me wondering if it was opened via signal or if she just pulled it open from the inside to make the presentation that much more entertaining. Following her in, I took a look around the room before walking over to the large window and looking out to see a view of almost half the city. Not bad. If the Palace wasn’t such a massive target I would steal this design idea in a heartbeat.

Cadence and Shining Armor made their way over to a pair of cushions, and sat down with her husband, who took the cushion to her right. She then called out to me to sit opposite her while the two Crystal Guards that flanked us on the way here closed the door and took up position at the entrance. This, to my slight chagrin, did not go unnoticed by my guard for Mereneith did not yet have the discipline to let it go unchallenged. I gently batted at her tail to steal back her attention and, and I motioned for her to have a seat to my left. During that exchange, I noticed that Khama’at removed her pack and set it down ather side before pulling out a small sack. With a muffled clack she sat it down on the table before sitting down to my right while sliding the pack back on.

As one of the sphinx guards fiddled with their pack, I opted to sit on Cadence’s left side. As the first few seconds after everyone took their seats was filled with a rather tense silence, I made eye contact with Shezmu, and smashed that silence with a question.

“So. I noticed your guards don’t carry more… conventional weapons. If you don’t mind me asking, where did you get them from?” I said. It was a rather obtuse question, but I think I did fairly well in the heat of the moment. As a technologist, it certainly wouldn’t be out of the blue for me to ask that kind of question, anyways. One of Cadence’s rear hooves struck out at my knee, landing with a soft thunk beneath the table. It didn’t hurt, but it did get my attention.

We exchanged a glance, and she turned back to Shezmu and smiled sheepishly.

“My Apologies, Kha Shezmu. Not many outside the borders of Equestria even know that Sphinx exist, let alone how you protect yourselves. Though if you don’t mind answering that I share Stefan’s curiosity.”

He looked towards me, grinning before returning his full attention back to the Princess. “Not to worry at all, your majesty. I’m sure you Equestrians are curious about us and what we carry in some form or another. Our young were especially curious as well.” He made a motion to the Sphinx guard to his left , prompting her to practically leap to her hind legs with her forelegs to her sides, head and eyes forward, looking at nothing specifically.

“The M-8RR is a 5.7 mm, cylinder fed, paw-operated, air-cooled, single-fire, hand-held, shoulder-fired weapon. It has an effective range of 250 meters with a maximum range of 2000 meters.” He nodded, and motioned for her to sit down.

The male sphinx was about to say something, but stopped before slapping his face with a paw. “My apologies Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. I forgot that you all use Equestrian Units here.” He tapped at his chin before snapping his fingers. “Oh! Just multiply meters by 3 and that would get you feet. We use a different system of measurement, like the Minotaurs.”

The spiel at the beginning left the two pony royals confused, and Cadence gave me a look as if to ask ‘Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?’ To which I responded with a slight nod and nothing more.

The uncanny similarity between that little speech and the US Army’s diatribe about its own weapons left me sure of one thing: This Prince Shezmu knew a human. Not just any human, either, but one with military training, who was also from the United States. I felt my heart race with excitement, and it took a moment for me to refocus on the conversation in front of me as the realization came and went.

“I won’t pretend I understand any of what you just said, but maybe we could arrange an agreement to share this kind of technology in the future. Has it been tested on the battlefield yet?” Armor asked Shezmu, his brow furrowed.

He started laughing covering his mouth with a paw to hide his teeth, and it quickly sounded more and more evil before he managed to gain control of himself. “My own apologies once again. I just couldn’t help myself despite knowing that you do not know my family or anything about me.” He cleared his throat before continuing though the mirth still visible on his features. “Yes. It has been tested on the battlefield and quite extensively at that. I would shudder to think what my mother would do if I did not use weapons for war with her blessing for in our lands Sekhmet, my mother, is the Goddess of War, Fire, Fertility, and Healing.”

He reigned his expression in, and the guards flanking him tensed for a moment before they all relaxed back to how they were before as he continued. “But as far as us giving you this kind of technology would, at this point in time, not be in my best interests. Which, I guess, is a good segway into one of main reasons why I am in Equestria, period.” With a slight shift in posture and demeanor he looked just as imperious as Princess Luna is often described. “I am here to explore the Equestrian lands and experience the culture of its people to see if bringing our lands together would result in true acceptance and harmony.”

“Uh, what do you mean ‘bringing our lands together?’ Is that by diplomacy, or by taking over Equestria by force? You know that isn-” Armor paused as Cadence sent a hoof his way, striking him on the flank. He gave her a hurt look in response, but shut his mouth.

The cold stare she shot at Shining Armor made sure that he would drop that particular subject and reminded him who exactly was the one who sat on the throne. She too shifted her stance to look the part of a ruler of an empire while crossing her forelegs in front of her on the table. “You must forgive my husband. As I’m sure many outside the borders of Equestria may know we for the past several years have been plagued by one world ending threat after another. It is his embedded guard mentality that sometimes gets him to be quickly mistrusting of others. I hope you understand that what he meant was not hostile but, for us after all these events, casual suspicion.”

Light giggling was the general response, andeven the guards looked amused by what Shining Armor had said. “No ill will taken at all. I understand that even a Changeling Queen by the name of Chrysalis caused a small issue not that many months ago. A few years ago we had some minor issues with a hive that had been there for a few centuries. I, thankfully enough, was able to personally handle that situation.” He had finished that statement with a large predatory smile showing off every sharp tooth he could as his guards sat a little taller and their heads a little higher.

I wondered whether his ‘handling’ was something entirely savoury. By his tone, and his expression, I could tell that he’d probably done something like genocide, or worse. This Shezmu was turning out to be quite the naughty boy, indeed.

“I thank you for your understanding of our situation here. We too in Equestria, for the moment, no longer have issues with changelings. In fact they were reformed here in our lands and have mostly kept to themselves ever since but are keen in learning what else friendship can do for them. Though if you don’t mind me being a bit vain I would love for you to stay a few days here in the empire. Love and Harmony has flourished more than our tourism if you could believe it. You would be welcome here in the castle, or I could even arrange for you to stay in one of the best hotels around if you would like that more.” She smiled softly.

“I would greatly appreciate your generosity and stay here in the castle. Though I see how much your people love and care for a dragon I think easing in a few Sphinx would be best as opposed to just sitting us right next door to them. While we don’t share a dragon’s ability to eat crystals and the like I’m sure us not being heroes would cause some unneeded unrest.” He then comically gasped placing a paw on his chest. “Where are my manners? Please let me repay your generosity with my own.” He then grabbed the bag that was set on the table and started pulling ornate looking bottles made of gems and adorned with gold pushing them across the table. “While I may be the god of Butchery, Blood, and Execution first I am also a god of Wine, Perfume and Celebration.”

“In the ruby bottles are wines made in my honor by my worshipers. In the topaz bottles are ones I developed myself.” He leaned in a bit and made a play at stage whispering. “Those ones are extra strong with no loss in flavor or extra bite in alcohol. My mom loves them.” He then leaned back and started pulling out a few more bottles. “In the other bottles are perfumes that I and my worshipers consider our best. While I’m sure you have such things here already please accept them nonetheless.” He then singled out a bottle made of diamond and silver that had a slight glow when in the shadow of his paw. “This one is scented to match what we now call the Sphinxian Lotus. I have yet to see it anywhere else on this world and it is greatly coveted by the people of our lands because of it. In my travels I have seen that some ponies eat flowers so I hope it smells as delicious as we hold it dear to our hearts.”

“Of course. I will hold onto these gifts and use them as appropriate.” After that she had made a motion with her hoof as she tapped at the table and the guards opened the doors. “If you do not mind we have been going over a few weighted topics and it has been a while. I would like to invite you to take a small recess should you need to stretch your legs and walk about.” She then stood, encasing the bottles in her magic as she made her way out the door, the bottles following her in her wake.

Armor and I looked at each other, and then to the door where Cadence just left. We shrugged, and Armor followed his wife. Instead of leaving immediately, I stood and nodded to Shezmu.

“It was good to make your acquaintance, Kha Shezmu. Hopefully the Empire and your people can set off on the right foot.” I said. “If you need anything from me, I’ll be around.”

“Oh don’t you worry…” He smiled slightly, the pitch of his voice deepening with each word. “...Neither of us will be getting very far for now. Ahahahaaha….” he then turned about to face the guard on his right speaking in a language I couldn’t understand.

“Oh, my…” I said, doing my best impression of George Takei. After a moment spent listening to the exchange of foreign words, I turned and followed Armor and Cadence. They both stood outside, whispering furiously.

“Ah, there you are, Stefan. Let’s go to the sitting room and have a chat.” Cadence said, turning to her left and flicking her tail in annoyance. Pony body language sometimes eluded me, even though it turned out to be rather similar to that of Earth’s equine analogues. I’d never spent much time around the animals, so though I may have known a bit, it still took a bit for me to parse through what was essentially an entirely foreign language. Cadence’s short canter and clipped tone, though, gave away her irked mood quite easily.

Once we got to the sitting room, Cadence shut the door behind Armor and I, and pulled up two chairs across from a third. She sat in the third, and motioned for us to sit across from her. Armor and I did so trepidatiously, shooting each other a look before Cadence released whatever storm of frustration she had built up.

“I love you, Shiny. I love you so much. I just… I want you to know that before I say anything else.” Cadence said, inhaling and exhaling in a measured manner. “You didn’t see what he did before you bothshowed up. He pulled King Sombra from whatever version of Tartarus he’d been banished to and-and slaughtered him! Right in front of me! And then you think it’s okay to poke the bear?! I love you, but sometimes you’re the most thickheaded lunk I’ve ever met, Shiny!” She took a breath, and deflated like someone took a needle to the balloon that held her anger. She held up a placating hoof. “Now, I know neither of you were there for that, but… It stands to reason that you shouldn’t accuse foreign nobles of plotting to do something as absurd as invading Equestria even if that sort of thing has happened before. Those were extenuating circumstances, and we really shouldn’t be expecting that of everyone.

“I don’t trust him either. But, at least I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt before I go and make those kinds of assumptions.” Cadence finished, and Armor and I sat there, silent.

“Hey, look, all I did was try to break the silence. I’m sorry if my question was inappropriate or something, but… are you even angry at me? ’Cause you forgot to mention what I said at all.” I said, leaning in my chair and resting my chin atop a fist.

“You… I can’t even. Just do us a favor and keep your mouth shut, Stefan.” She said.

So, I did. All the way through the meeting, I refused to speak, even on matters Cadence tried to hand off to my expertise. I pushed her nearly to her breaking point, right up until the meeting ended and I left for my quarters.

I was laying on my back in the bed that was provided for me in the castle guest quarters while going over the small important details of the conversation in my head not quite able to let the comment about me invading go. Outwardly I was doing nothing more than tossing a ball of yarn around much to the irritating distraction of my Guard Captain since I was using her lap for a pillow while she was going over paperwork. “Mereneith.”

She was over and at my side before the ball landed back in my paw her, freshly cleaned and reassembled weapon in one paw as she stepped out of the bathroom fresh from a shower. “What is it Boss?” Much like Khama’at she was out of her armor though chose to put on a deep purple robe like garment that reminded me of the kalasiris that was commonly worn by Earth’s equivalent being held up by straps to make room for wings. Though Khama’at chose to forgo clothing both of them still had their circlets on.

“Before Stefan arrives give me a report on how you would assault the Castle.” This gave the both of them pause though I continued to toss the ball up, but it never quite reached the ceiling of the apartment sized room. Khama’at looked down at me her eyes narrowed as she had an eyebrow raised. Mereneith on the other hand looked as if I asked her what the ingredients of a Red Velvet Key Lime pie were. “... Yes. This is somewhat of a test, but I just want to hear your thoughts on it.”

“Well… Uh.. What are the starting conditions?” She asked nervously as she ran over to her pack and pulled out a chalkboard and quickly started sketching out the city from the quick flyby both of them did not that long ago.

I smiled as I turned my head and saw her taking it serious and already asking one of the right questions before turning my attention back to the ball. “You’ve got all of the M’kit-Mau at your disposal and you are all inside the barrier for sake of argument.” She nodded her understanding and quickly started marking points on her makeshift map.

“First thing I would do is wait several hours after nightfall since from what reports were handed out before arrived said that most ponies are diurnal. I would then have Cheetah Squad set off explosives near the edge of the city and proceed with hit and run tactics of starting fires to get as much of the Crystal Guard as possible after them and incite panic. Since they are our fastest and would have a higher chance of staying out of harm's way. I would then have Panther Squad move on the ground to the castle since they are our stealth squad, and their low numbers would be able to move faster unnoticed while they travel in the shadow of the palace itself.”

She held up her chalkboard to show me a rough representation of the routes the two squads would be using, and I motioned her to continue. Khama’at looked down at me over papers to give me a smug grin causing me to roll my eyes. “Tiger Squad will set up spread out on several roof tops and will quickly begin sniping any and all high value targets moving constantly to avoid detection as best as possible. Lion Squad will act as ambushers by splitting up into two teams since they are the largest. Gold team will assist Cheetah by taking out the stragglers that would be chasing them around before relocating to another ambush point. Black team will assist Tiger by patrolling the ground around them so they don’t get snuck up on.”

Her chalkboard was now a near incomprehensible mess of arrows, circles, crossed out locations, and what look like exit routes. I smiled at her and tossed the yarn ball at her to catch. “Good job kitten for coming up with that on the spot.” She smiled slightly as she mumbled to herself that she was over a month older than me as I turned my attention back to my captain. “Ok… You were right. With the proper training and study, she will be a master tactician.”

It was only a few moments later and there was a knock at the door and Khama’at quickly stowed away her paper work. Even though Mereneith was hopelessly tangled in the yarn she still hopped up and took up position in a blind spot rifle at the ready. Once Khama’at nodded at me after closing up her pack I spoke out. “Who is it?” I asked knowingly as I stretched myself out across Khama’at’s lap on my belly.

“It’s Stefan. May I come in?”

“Of course since you asked so politely. It would be odd if I merely sent you away after asking you to come visit with me.” I decided to up the silliness that the image of this room would make by grooming my forelegs while Mereneith lowered her weapon and went to attempting to free herself from the yarn entangling her. This of course got Khama’at to face palm in exasperation.

The door opened, and the human stepped in, closing it behind him. He stood there for a moment, a blank expression on his face. I assume it took him a moment to fully comprehend what exactly was going on on the bed, but stood there for even longer as his eyes caught sight of Mereneith entangled in a ball of yarn.

“I’m sorry, but is this a weird fetish party or something? Not to be rude, of course, Your... Grace.” Stefan said, his expression now satisfyingly bemused.

I smiled covering my mouth as I chuckled turning my head to look up at Khama’at’s nonplussed expression then to Mereneith’s complete mortification before laughing harder. After collecting myself I rolled off my captain’s lap landing on all fours and stood to face the human. “Of course it is. What else would I be doing with my harem?” A shit eating grin on my face.

I moved over to him and held out a paw to shake hands knowing full well my captain was wondering if a bullet to the back of my head would kill me. “No need for such formality though. I am not royalty at all. A best I would be considered a governor or director.”

“Well, then,” He said, as he grasped my paw with a hand, and we shook. His grip was paltry compared to my own, but I couldn’t quite use the entirety of my strength for fear of piercing his hand with my claws. “I suppose we should do away with formalities and get to the meat of this issue.” I released his hand, and he crossed his arms. “Where’s your human at?”

I saw Mereneith, after managing to free her head and forelegs, tilt her head to the side and looked at Stefan in near bafflement. “Why would we have a human? I never heard of one before we got to Equestria.” I raised my paw to cut off any more commentary from the two and motioned for Stefan to leave the room. The headache of having to come up with some riddle to erase their memories of that forming.

“Why don’t we go for a walk? I’m sure you have more than just that question to ask and I feel like stretching my legs. I’m sure there is a garden or something we could have some privacy.” For a bit of emphasis I extended my claws on the paw I was holding up to show him out of the door.

Shezmu avoided my question quite smoothly, but he was right: I had plenty of questions for him. For such a wealthy nation as the Kingdom of the Sphinx, they seemed to be especially insular considering the lack of anything but the barest reference to their existence in most of the books I’d read on Equestrian history. They were noted as a good source of luxury materials, and nothing more than that. As we made it to the gardens’ level, which was essentially a ring-shaped platform left open to the air that wrapped all the way around one of the lower levels of the Palace, we were walking in a slightly awkward silence.

I intended to keep it going for as long as possible, perhaps to see if I could get any closer to an answer to the question Shezmu avoided earlier. I had no doubt that my plan would probably fail, but I tried anyways.

“You know two can play this game and the longer you stall the longer you go without answers.” He eventually said as he turned his head to face me with a smirk.

“Okay, then. Answer my first question: Where’s your human?” I said, my jaw set. He might’ve been a massive magical winged death machine, but I couldn’t afford to be intimidated.

He chuckled again lightly as he stretched his neck out then one wing after other before replying to me, “We don’t have one.” The sounds of his joints cracking sounding like bones snapping.

“So how did you learn all this shit? Do you expect me to believe that it was just happenstance that you created guns when no one else even thought of gunpowder beyond anything recreational? Not only that, but your guards! They act like US Army soldiers. It’s all there, and if you don’t actually have a human, then… Maybe you have a way home?” I said. With my last question, I let a little more longing seep into my voice than I’d intended. Just the mere thought of returning to Earth was enough to prompt the question, no matter how ridiculous it sounded.

It was at this point he moved in front of me and slowed to a stop along a wall of roses and plucked one examining it casually though it was obvious his demeanor was much more serious. “In order of them being asked… How did I learn what exactly? The Storm King to the south has airships mounted with cannons and harpoon launchers. My guards are not acting.” He then turned to face me and let out a long breath out his nose not even paying attention to the rose he was spinning about his paw. “I don’t. If I did I wouldn’t have ever came here. I’ve been here for almost two decades after all. I was saving this place as a last resort initially before I heard about you.” He placed extra emphasis on the last word by pointing the rose flower first at me.

“Wait.” I held up a finger, attempting to process exactly what Shezmu just said. It was a theory I’d considered, indeed, but I’d deemed it too absurd to lend it much credence. “You’re the human? That’s fucking-” I stopped myself for a moment, my mouth working with disbelief. “That’s dumb. How? How’d you even get here? When did you leave? I-I’ve got so many more questions, but… let’s just go with those, for now.”

He nodded his understanding all the posturing and double meaning he had been using before gone. “Yes I am.” He then put the rose behind his ear as he walked over to a water basin and looked over his reflection. “I have no idea how I got here but It was Veteran’s Day 2017 around 6 in the evening.” He then adjusted the flower a bit before smiling and removing it before playing with it again absent mindedly. “Don’t worry. I’ve got time to answer them. As far as I know I’ve got another 3100 years left in me.”

“Well, I got here via a magical portal I found while hiking. Touched it, and wham! Here I am. Well, I ended up in a passageway somewhere inside a pocket realm inside the Crystal Palace, but… Yeah.” I paused, stroking my chin. “Found the portal thing the same day as you got sent here, too. Fuckin’ Christ, man.”

He grinned, “You leave my son out of this.” They then sat down and leaned back against the basin and started tossing the rose up and caught in his other paw only to begin repeating the motion. “Well I guess that confirms a suspicion I had or makes it more complicated. Magic, am I right? Because I’m quite sure I died in order to get here. I was bleeding out in the back of an ambulance one moment then falling out of Sekhmet’s vagina the next.”

“Falling out of- Fuck, dude, I don’t think I’d wanna survive that experience. You remembered it all, even when you were a kid? Wonder how that even works, considering the lack of a properly developed brain, but it’s probably something to do with magic.” I said. He shrugged and nodded in response though the grin he gave me let me know he wasn’t going to apologize for that mental image. “So. What’s your plan now that you’ve met your fellow man? You just gonna go back to the Sphinx land, live out your life?”

He raised an eyebrow at me while giving me a flat look. “Why would I do something so boring? I may have not been that far off from a nursing home but retire? Fuck that. I’m going to do what I was planning on Earth. Since I have drastically more time and a place of worship among my people I’m just gonna take over the world and then leave. I always wanted to see a black hole up close and then hock a loogie in it just to see what happens. But, In the meantime while I’m here in Equestria I might as well pay Hitler--I meanCelestia a visit.” He shrugged at the end and tossed the rose at me. “However. I have a question of my own. Do you really want to go back to Earth and if and or when you could, would you?”

I shot out a hand to catch the rose, gently so that it didn’t stick my palm. “I don’t know, honestly. I’ve started getting used to Equestria, but I wouldn’t mind seeing my family. Part of my research is on getting home, but I haven’t found much of anything useful in that regard.” I shrugged. “At this point, all I can do is cross my fingers and hope it’s not a one-way solution. I like where I am with the ponies, but… I still miss home, y’know?”

He nodded solemnly as a sardonic smile made its way on his face, “I do. I’m sure my mom and family was… are… will…, eh, devastated. Dying gave me a 17 year head start to your few months. Who knows how time is working with that one.” He shrugged again looking about the area. “Well I know you thought of it or maybe you didn’t because I don’t know if you watched the show but there is Sunset Shimmer. Not much of a lead but it is a start. For all I know she could be some random ass alicorn of deus ex machina or fucking Starlight Glimmer ascends later on. This place has been changed permanently since we got here so as far as I’m concerned everything and anything is up for grabs now.”

“You’ve got so much time on your hands that it doesn’t even matter what happens, I think. As Cadence told me, ascended alicorns like herself and Twilight live just as long as normal ponies, so whatever ascending they do will be moot.” I paused, collecting my thoughts. “I tried to get some information on the portal Sunset uses to get to the other human world, but all of it was either excised from the texts in the library, or, I suspect, locked up in some secret library by the Equestrian Diarchy. Maybe we’ll have to hit Hitlestia up someday about that, but I doubt she’d give us any straight answers. There’s got to be some reason she’s hiding the information now, and I’m not exactly sure she’ll be willing to give it over to us just because of our… predicament.”

He looked at me as if a bush would be more insightful and raised a paw above his head making a whooshing sound. “Talk about missing the point. Fuckin’ a. It’s not that they are alicorns shit head. It’s what they would represent as said alicorn. Twilight for example. Magic. Straight up. She does it all no matter the classification. I’m sure the neurotic sperglord could come up with something if you keep her away from books.” He then focused his attention back on me. “As far as that pastry killer Celestia goes I have plans set up for that one. She can’t hide anything that we already know. You should know by now that this world more or less branched off the show’s canon after the end of season six where we find ourselves now but for the most part has been spot on. Unless you’re fucking retarded or someshit. Either way in a couple of days I’m out of here and going to meet with her and Luna. I’m sure the latter may have tried entering my dreams by then.”

“Heh. She’s never been in mine, something to do with my magical resistance. Maybe I should take the trip with you, since I’ve never been to Canterlot. Hell, maybe I could go back to the Sphinxian Kingdom with you and see the sights.” At the mention of ‘sights’ the image of a certain sphinx being born popped back into my head. I nearly burst out laughing as I imagined a giant, six-legged vagina popping out the massive sphinx before me. I couldn’t imagine one of those running a country, though. “If you’ll have me, that is?”

“HA! GAAAAAAAAAYYYY!” He lowered his paws down from his mouth and shrugged. “I don’t care one way or another. Do what you want. You want to come with me to Canterlot then do it. You want go to my city then do it. One word from me and you’ll be drowning in pussy… Literally and figuratively. I don’t give a fuck. I have my own agenda which may include the extinction of the pony races. I don’t even know at this point.” It was at that point he stood back up on all fours and started walking back the way we came waving to me over his shoulder. “Now if you don’t mind there’s a couple of absolutely gorgeous dames waiting for me and I feel like being fed grapes while being massaged.”

The casual mention of genocide left me wondering whether or not Shezmu was actually serious or not, but I quickly threw that thought aside: he seemed like a less than serious person, all things considered. I, admittedly, had no grand ambitions or plans beyond establishing my life in Equestria and living it to its fullest, so the thought of world domination wasn’t something that was on my mind at that moment.

“Alright, well. I’ll leave you to it, then.” I said, nodding to him. Even in revealing that he was human, I still wasn’t sure if I could trust him. Only time would tell, but for tonight… the company of a mare would suffice.

Chapter 4 If the kids these days are so dumb, how bad are the parents?

Much to my displeasure I was given a small retinue of guards when I left the Crystal Empire. I had originally planned to leave the empire unannounced but when Stefan had joined me to go along and try to have a meeting with the two royal sisters that quickly went out the window. Though I doubt the reasoning behind the group of four being assigned to us was what I was making it out to be. Though, honestly, there was no reason why it couldn’t be. I guess it is my own fault for being so brash about my abilities and moral standing. It clearly put Cadence, and probably Celestia by proxy, on edge about the country's safety.

Though It wasn’t that much a problem until the two of us made it to the train station turned border fort and there were was a similar group of Equestrian Royal Guards waiting for us. That right there is when I knew my little plan of jumping train and searching for a few key locations was no longer an option. If it wasn’t for the groups make up my plan would have still been a go but the one pegasus with the two unicorns and two earth ponies would have too many options of tracking and reporting me after popping smoke. I would just cause more problems than necessary.

I shrugged it off however and moved about my business as if they were not there already deciding how to plan my next move. Two to one Celestia, you haven’t won the match just yet. I could however provide them with as much misinformation as possible. After all I’m sure they were given instruction to not only watch my every move as much as possible but note down everything. Even if they knew they were being fed false information. It’s what I would have my own guard do after all if I knew nothing about the ones in question. I figured that they would take the hint and leave my two guards and myself alone if I did it overtly enough.

...

After the second time I had ordered a salad in front of them moments after stating that anything other than insects would be fatal to my kind if eaten they got it and left to another car. This however, was after I insisted that if they were to be inside the small room alongside us they would have to perform ritualistic sex or my mother, upon hearing this, would take the voyeurism as an insult to her divinity and would go to war.

Whether or not they bought that complete load of bullshit was irrelevant since it got them away from us for the rest of the ride much to the amusement of Mereneith[1] and Khama’at[2]. Unfortunately when we arrived at the train station in Canterlot that evening the guards waiting for the lot of us to, as they put it ‘escort us safely to the palace’ was when the lot of it was truly annoying. As we started walking leaned over to voice my displeasure to Stefan. “At this point it’s now more your fault than mine for this. Maybe next time you will realize you are a grown man and just leave of your own accord rather than asking mommy and daddy if it’s ok to play outside.”

“Mommy and Daddy run a fucking country, guy. There ain’t much I can do ‘bout this, to be honest.” He chuckled, looking over at a guardsmare. “Gotta have protection, my friend. Did they teach you nothing in sex ed?”

“You could have just, oh I don’t know, bought a ticket last second and dipped. Like any rebellious youth against their parents.” I then huffed letting out my exasperation and smiled a bit at his humor, “Of course. Why do you think my guard is also my harem?” I said with a massive grin on my face and wrapped a foreleg around Khama’at’s waist and pulled her against me while I was sure she was internally plotting my death and wondering if Equestria would grant her amnesty.

“Hey hey, I wish. As it is I don’t need a harem, females in these parts like jumping your bones just as easy as talking to you. But, yeah, I couldn’t just dip on Cadence and Armor. They’ve been good to me, and repaying that with being a dickwad wouldn’t help me in the long run. Look at it this way: it makes them,” He gestured to the crowd gathering around us as we made our way out of the station. The guards formed a wedge in front of us, carving a path through the throng of ponies that were turning their heads, gasping, and pointing at us. “Feel safer. And if that keeps me alive, or makes Big Momma happy, then I’m good with it. Besides, I think your dick doesn’t need any more stroking.”

I shrugged letting go of Khama’at and sighed again. “Alright fine. It’s not like I couldn’t have just had you ride me all the way to the castle or something… If you know what I mean.” With a chuckle I decided to give everyone around something to actually gawk at and raised my body up and over my head walking on only my front two legs knowing that the wrapped skirt like shendyt[3] would at least protect my modesty. “Happy now? I am complying with all the princesses wishes and I’m not even antagonizing anyone.”

Stefan laughed, and shook his head. “Mmmhm, sure. Bend over for Big Momma, boy. She likes ‘em young. I won’t tell you what to do with yourself, as I’m sure you’ve got your shit together. If you wanna misbehave your consequences are your own.”

“Not even a single bus in this whole world and you wouldn’t hesitate to throw me under it.” I laughed a bit lowering myself back down to all fours while taking stock of where we managed to be guided as we started to enter the inner area of Canterlot. The age of the city’s planning showed here more prominently with the designs of the buildings being tall and slim and less masonry over all. It reminded me of the early industrial age in older areas of the Americas like New York before skyscrapers took over everything.

The rest of the trip up to Canterlot Palace was uneventful. Shezmu and I got plenty of looks, sure, but the Royal and Sphinxian Guard did their duty to keep curious ponies from getting too close.

When we made it to the gates, the guards crossed their spears in front of our entourage.

“Halt, who goes there?” One said.

One of our Equestrian guards approached the gate guards, said something I couldn’t quite make out, and backed away. The gates swung open, and the guards returned to guarding as we passed through. I couldn’t help but be enthralled by the aesthetic nature of Equestrian architecture: granted, most of the golden filigree and carving did nothing for the actual efficacy of the structures themselves, but the ponies surely knew how to impress.

As the group continued through the wall and into the palace grounds, the sounds of the city faded into the background. The entrance to the palace itself was no less impressive than the gates outside: a street-sized brick path came in and looped past a grand staircase, which led up to the main entrance. There were statues lining the circular pathway, and one in the center of the circle it made which was atop an ornately carved fountain.

There were two more guards at the entrance, but they didn’t give us any trouble as we stepped into the palace. Once we got past even more eye candy, we eventually made it to the throne room. An earth pony mare with a red cap and a bowtie stood next to the door guards, and stepped in before we did as our entourage halted us in front of the doors. Through them, I heard the red-capped pony’s voice.

“Announcing Kha[4] Shezmu of the Sphinxian Kingdom, and Stefan Keller-Black of Earth to Their Highnesses Princesses Celestia and Luna!” She said, as our Equestrian entourage opened the doors.

With a sigh of having to go through the hoops of ‘polite’ conversation once again I composed myself before all but marching in, my two guards flanking me tightly. During the train ride I wanted them to stay close to me and at the ready to drop anyone I give the signal to. Which judging by the reactions of the denizens of the city may or may not come to pass as even the throne room guards were having problems with their vaunted stoicism. Though one thing that I noticed and unfortunately carried over is that though both sisters were present there was only one throne.

Deliberately making a show of not bowing before them I wore a mask of indifference when I came to a stop and flitted my tail about to give my charges a signal for non-lethal take-downs should a guard approach me for the sake of posturing. Giving Stefan a sidelong glance I took a half step forwards deciding I might as well get the ball rolling. The few nobles that were in attendance would be entertained indeed. “Greetings Princesses. I would like to first thank you for the armed escort as if I were some dangerous criminal to be paraded about and freshly captured for you to show your power over me.”

With a grin I waved a paw dismissing the matter before either of them could get a word in edgewise to defend themselves quickly moving on. “But enough about that. Allow me to to properly introduce myself. I am Shezmu. Foremost, in my lands, I am the god of Execution, Butchery, and Blood. Only child to Sekhmet goddess of War, Fire, Fertility, and Healing. Kha of Fayum. I trust that the both of you are well this fine evening.” With my bit said I took a step back, remaining standing, to be between Mereneith and Khama’at and allow Stefan to say his piece.

It was at that moment some of the nobles on the sidelines started to talk softly to one another while others took down notes or remained unmoved. Though Luna herself looked displeased as she fully processed the meaning behind what I had said. With a slight smile sent my way it appeared that I earned some favor from her as she looked to see what her sister would do. However, all Celestia did was continue to sit there with a mask of perfected serene neutrality though the hesitation of her doing anything at all already cost her.

Before he could speak, Celestia held up a hoof in a placating gesture towards me.

“Kha Shezmu, I assure you that our actions were only to ensure the safety of yourself and the citizens of Equestria. The guards that joined you when you crossed the border were explicitly instructed to respect your rights as a diplomat and a foreign national. On that note, if they violated any of these then you most certainly have the right to inform either me, or my sister and they will be disciplined appropriately.”

I merely smiled slightly and raised an eyebrow as I laughed internally wondering what took her so long. At that point not saying anything would have the better play. Shifting blame onto others when you are the one who gave the orders is just being a poor sport. Looks like the game is now three to two. Down one again Celestia and you are already on the back foot. Other than a look back to Stefan I made no further motion to indicate that I even heard the princess talking.

Without a reply from me, Celestia nodded to Stefan.

“I apologize, Mr. Keller-Black. Please, go on.” She said.

“Well, Your Highness, I don’t have all the titles the esteemed Kha does, but,” He cleared his throat. “I’m pleased to meet the both of you. I’ve heard quite a lot from Armor and Cadence, but I don’t think it really did you all justice. Either way, I’m uh, glad I could come.” He nodded. He stood at the position of parade rest while he spoke, stiff and as professional as he could manage.

Disregarding the chatter of the nobles I moved forwards once more since it was clear Celestia, much like Cadence, was out of practice. “Well since you have deemed it appropriate to appropriate my evening I trust that we are not going to have this impromptu meeting here in the throne room. Unless it is proper protocol to sit while looking down on your guests as they are forced to stand. If so, then by all means, let us begin.” I said with an ever growing smile on my face that managed to not stray too far from being polite.

“I apologize, Kha Shezmu. The Day Court was still in session when you arrived, and it will be until the end of this afternoon. This meeting was simply so that we could be introduced publicly, and any more… nuanced dealings were to be dealt with later in a more comfortable setting. If you like, I can arrange for your escort to your guest chambers.” Celestia said, her eyes locked with mine. “My sister may entertain you, if you like.” She paused, turning to Luna. “If it’s not too much trouble, of course.”

Luna looked at her sister then at myself out of the corner of her eye to which I returned the glance by raising my eyebrow. She lightly took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before smiling at me and gesturing to a side door with a hoof, “If you and your escort follow us out this way we would like to hear about your time in the Crystal Empire. Perhaps over a meal if that would please you. We don’t believe that you and your guard have had the chance to eat yet.”

Following her lead I made my way out the door but before it closed I spun around to face Stefan and did my best to give him a look that said ‘now is your best chance to ask her for things since I got her off balance’. Spinning back around on a hind paw I continued to walk forwards catching Luna’s attention. “I wonder why she was so quick to get rid of me when she was the one who called me there?” I took a few steps to be alongside her my ears flicking before my guards and myself stopped in our tracks. Looking hard between two dark alcoves behind a pair of tapestries before relaxing and looking at Luna. “Oh my. I heard stories but I did not think your nocturnal followers were that good.”

As Shezmu and Luna walked and talked, I waited for an opportune moment to ask for the use of the palace’s library, which came just as we rounded a corner.

“Say, Princess, could I make use of your library? There’s some stuff I’ve been meaning to look up that the Crystal Empire just doesn’t have, and it would definitely be beneficial to my research.” I asked.

She turned away from the sphinx and looked at me over her shoulder mulling over the question. “We understand that you mean that you wish to have access to the castle’s library and not our personal collection of books yes?” She then gave me an inquisitive stare as her pace slowed. “We do not see a problem with this. The castle library as a whole is open to the public upon request. Though we must ask, What is it that you hope to find in those words?”

“Anything, really. I’ve just started looking into magic and the like, but it seemed like there were a lot of holes in the Empire’s collection, and some of the things Sunburst taught me about didn’t exist in print there. That, and it might give me an idea of where your society is at as a whole. Equestria itself is, I imagine, very different from the Empire.” I paused for a moment, collecting my thoughts. “Oh! Yes, and a way to get home. The device I accidentally activated to get here was deactivated after I came through it, and Sunburst couldn’t make heads or tails of it. I thought I might be able to find something here on it, but if there’s nothing on that specifically, maybe there’s another way.” My statement ignored, of course, the fact that I had no idea where Earth even was in relation to Gaia.

She mulled over my reasoning before having a concise decision as she nodded. “We see no problem with this. However we would like it if you were to document any findings you make that you think would help you.”

“Can do. I can make you a copy of my notes, or a report. Say, I might also need some directions. Can I borrow a guard for that, or?” I said.

“Just a copy would be fine. This while of course is a personal venture of your own is something that should be documented in at least some manner. You are after all the only documented human to ever be here on Gaia to my knowledge.” With a tap of her hoof a Lunar Guard whom I didn’t notice more or less appeared out of my shadow to stand beside me. “Sergeant Ghost Quill shall escort you to the castle library and she shall assist you as you see fit for the duration of your stay. Do you find this to be adequate?”

“Seems so,” I looked to Quill, who raised an eyebrow. “Lead on, Sergeant.”

Quill stepped in front of me, and led me off into a side passage. After a few minutes of walking, we ended up in front of the library’s entrance: a vaulted archway with two Day Guard standing on its left and right. Just inside the entrance, a desk sat in front of a ring of shelves, and behind that desk was the librarian. She was an old mare, and even though I wasn’t a good judge of the physical signs of pony aging, I could easily tell that this mare was absolutely ancient. Her eyes, it seemed, were no worse for wear despite the reading glasses perched on the end of her muzzle. She looked at Quill first, then me as we approached.

“Is there anything I can help you with?” She asked.

“Ah, yes ma’am. I’m looking for anything related to teleportation, advanced enchanting, something on Equestrian history… lots of things. Guess we should just focus on one, and go from there.” I said. She nodded, and slowly got to all fours.

“The history books are the closest, on those shelves there.” She pointed with a hoof to the shelves behind her. “New and popular at the bottom, and vice versa as you go up. I’ll have to show you where the other sections you asked for are; even I get lost sometimes.” She chuckled, and opened one of the desk’s drawers.

As I perused the library, Sergeant Quill grew more and more bored. An hour passed, and I closed the heavy tome I’d been reading.

“Not a bookworm, eh?” I asked.

She looked at me with a flat expression and what looked like at an attempt to keep her eyebrow from raising. “No. Not really. It is just because I’m an avid study I was summoned by the Mistress of Shadows to aid you.” She said with a slight monotone to her voice.

“So you are a nerd. Bet you got a lot of shit for that in basic. See, for me it was all about the video games, which was true, don’t get me wrong,” I slid the book to the side, and grabbed a smaller one off of the pile I’d accumulated on the table next to me. “But eventually I got past that phase, and into the one where they made fun of what I did in the Army. ‘Course, that’s what everybody does. Half of the fun of the military is just shootin’ the shit, but. Sometimes I wish it weren’t.” Instead of opening the next book, I laced my fingers together, and leaned forward. “What’re you studying?”

She genuinely smiled at me before she shook her head. “I’m studying you. Might I say you have been quite the interesting subject. Did you not think you would be under watch since you set hoof… foot in Canterlot?” She then flashed her fangs with a grin, “But do not let that stop you. Do please tell me more. The Crystal Empire has been rather tight lipped about you.”

“Tight-lipped? And I thought Celestia and Luna were family to ‘em.” I sighed.
“I figured I’d be under some sort of supervision. Just, you’d think that the armed guards following us around would be enough. What, did you need to watch me jack off or something?”

“Our Lady of Stars has not ordered you for to be supervised in any fashion.” She laughed a bit before moving closer to me and placing an armored hoof on my thigh, “Were you asking for help with that last part? She did say anything after all.” She then sighed and backed up shaking a bit with mirth before going back to the stoic guard routine. “Was there anything else you need to be clarified. I have been ordered to answer most questions you ask, dependant on subject matter of course.”

“So you just took it upon yourself to study me. Got a fetish?” I pulled my hands apart, and wiggled them. “These two are pretty popular with the mares these days, and my wingman always sticks around for a long while.” I smiled, and shook my head. “What’s Princess Luna like? For that matter, what are the Princesses like? I’ve heard plenty from Armor and Cadence, but… it was never entirely specific. Some mention of a Nightmare Moon, and the Elements of Harmony, but I feel like that was just a folk tale that got twisted by time. How are they now, like, as people?”

An eyebrow rose as she slightly looked down her nose at me her lip twitching above one her fangs, “I am one of the Dreamweaver’s best spies and I happened to be on shift here in the castle when you arrived. So no.” She sat down on her haunches pulling her helmet off to scrub at her mane with a hoof. “I can not nor would I speak for Princess Celestia. Though the Guiding Lights is hard to describe. She is kind and merciless. She is understanding while unyielding. Melancholy yet carefree. She may have embraced with the dark though it is because of her darkness we survived.” She replaced her helmet and stood back up. “Anything else?”

“So, question one: How the fuck can you fit so many contradictions into a sentence? Two: If you’re here to study me, then why not ask a few questions of your own? Observation’s great, but you can only glean so much. That, and staring at me all day has got to be fucking boring.”

She smiled a bit, “In reverse order, The Light Binder will have her own chance to ask questions. You would be surprised how much you can learn about someone just by watching them go about their day. As for the other question. Is not life itself a contradiction? We live in order to die while the Star Guardian exists outside of life while still living.”

Our casual conversation continued talking until I’d finished writing my notes, and we got up to leave. By my wristwatch, Quill and I spent roughly four hours in the library. By the time I turned in all of the books, it was late; around nine o’clock PM. With this and my empty stomach in mind, Quill and I went to grab some food.

I stopped and stretched enjoying the feel of the cool soft grass of the palace gardens. During dinner Princess Luna arranged for us to meet up and have a small casual conversation before she opened up Night Court at midnight. I twisted my back about groaning in satisfaction as my spine popped seeing Mereneith and Khama’at propped up against a tree as they relaxed themselves. Rather than stay in my guest room waiting around on me they opted to come along after I had allowed it.

Rolling over fully onto my back I wiggled about scratching my back and working a little divot into the grass to lay back more comfortably. I Idly traced patterns in the stars while I had waited the starlight drastically more brighter due to my lion like eyes. Though It was not long till I heard the dissonance of several armored hooves approaching me even when muffled by the thick grass. Gradually they grew louder before coming to a stop and I could hear my guard get to their paws and I waved them down with a paw before patting the grass next to me. “Join me gazing at the stars. You’ve outdone anything that Celestia has attempted before your return.”

“We appreciate such forward flattery but it is truly unnecessary.” The soft though clearly measured sound of Luna’s voice was a delight to hear once again. Though I figure I may as well keep laying it on thick.. If anything one of my plans, and if not for her sake, hinged heavily on having her against Equestria. Not so much the concept but how the empire is now and has been under Celestia’s unmitigated thousand year rule. It would be a massive boon to have her direct support.

“Nonsense.” I say with a teasing smile still looking about the stars and avoiding direct eye contact. “Princess Celestia for all that she may be is not the artist that you are.” I raised both my forepaws up and gestured to the sky. “Night after night it was the same thing. Stagnant and unwilling to change. I care not of the reasons why to be frank whether they be important or not.” I then smile roguishly, making sure to flash my fangs for her to see my gesturing taking on a more grandiose series of movements

“Now that you are once again using your brush to paint the canvas that is the night sky it has never been more beautiful.” I wave a paw across the sky once again while again patting down on the grass right besides me. “Each night since you took up your role has been just as breathtaking as the last. Even if only it is slightly different, or at times drastically so, each time I stare up in awe.”

I hear a series of shuffling before I feel steps near me but I make sure to keep my eyes locked onto the sky. “You truly flatter Us, Kha Shezmu. But, we do appreciate it.” I smile widely to myself.

So it is true.

She, even after all that she has been through in the show and then how it more or less translates into the world I am in now.

Luna is still alone.

A light chuckle escapes my lips as I ponder on what it is exactly I am about to do.

Now to push the envelope, and begin the first step of many on a road only traveled once. “Please… this has nothing to do with business or official duties. Just call me Shezmu. And, might I be so bold, may I call you Luna in return?” I hear her give a light hum and my ears flick about in response. I hear the shifting her her head as she tilts it to the side. A bit of her starry mane dips into my field of view.

“We find this to be acceptable. This is just a casual meeting between two beings after all. You are free to call Us Luna, Shezmu.” I grin again letting the childish glee of a kitten doing something and knowing they will get away with it. However I reign the comment in thankfully. I didn’t want to mess with her in that way just yet.

“Perhaps it will be easier to explain my love of your night and how much it means to not only me but to all of the beings in the lands I call home.” I then finally turn to face her and give her my most warmest and sincere smile. It is a real smile after all for it is true for both lives I have lived so far. “Again please lay beside me and truly look at your stars and hopefully you will understand why I appreciate you so.”

The princess of the Moon and Stars stumbles a bit and, I’m sure that if I looked hard enough into her dark coat, blushed. But whether to ward off the embarrassment or get a hold of herself she makes a bit of a show of laying down besides me and looking up at the stars. “You speak of those who live in your lands. From our understanding do the Sphinx still live along that river in the deserts in the continent to the east?”

“Yes. That we do. It is a very harsh and barren land and it is because of that the night is so important to us. Did you know that we have as of recent years… A little over one thousand years ago. We have adopted a mostly nocturnal lifestyle?” I turn to her and I see the wonder that comes with learning something that has ties to an interest you hold close in her eyes. “We in fact mostly go to sleep after the sun has risen and begin our ‘day’ when the sun begins to set. In total we have people active for about five daylight hours total while almost all of us live in the light of your moon and stars.”[5]

I look into her eyes and smile causing her to turn her head and look up at her night sky and a slight chuckle escapes me. “So you say that more or less of all the beings of your homelands are guided and cared for by mostly our night?” I turn my head back and look at the stars again as a star streaks across the horizon line. “Since your lands are mostly desert I’m sure that this change came about because more of a necessity than anything else.” I shrugged a bit, not like I have lied or will lie to her.

“You are correct, Luna. But we kept doing it for more than just the convenience.” I sprawled out and stretched out all my legs again making sure to not come into contact with Luna. “Due to our life in the desert the sun is harsh and unforgiving. In fact the sun is more or less just an unpleasant ball of pain that we have to deal with. But your night. Oh be that is! Your night is everything. You can enjoy a day without being drenched in sweat by just breathing. You and look up and see without causing horrible damage to your eyes. Though what you see when you do is the best part. There are shapes and there are paintings in the sky. You have all the time you want to see it as how you want and thanks to our eyes it is perfectly bright enough to see and do everything we did in the day to begin with.”

I start to go on a bit of a carefully calculated rant about how much the night means to the beings of the Sphinxian lands. Though I do begin to taper off at just the right point. I can tell that Luna has some questions she would like to ask without even having to look at her with how silent everything around us is. I shoot a glance at my guards and move my ears about before continuing. “If I might but ask one last thing before we continue any further Luna.”

“A-What is it thou would ask of us?” Her tone is in that perfect level between enraptured, bewildered, and surprised and I know that would be able to slip almost anything past her. However now is not that time just yet. I put some more slack in the line if but just to ease her tension.

“Would you be willing to one night come out to Teramu or the budding town of Fayum? I’m the unofficial mayor of the latter. It seems that those who follow me have congregated there and established a town and temple in my honor. However the Honor would be for you to come out there.”

I feel her posture shift and tighten a bit from the proposal though the ground and grass. I continue to let my prey gain a lead only for her to lose sight of me in the tall grass. “You don’t have to answer now or ever. You wouldn't even have to tell me that you are on your way to visit. You are free to just arrive whenever the mood strikes you.” Her posture relaxes and I can feel her sink back down into the grass as her muscles relax.

“Now… I’m quite sure that you have some questions of me. Of course depending on the subject I might have to pass but fear not. I highly doubt that you will so easily cross that line.”

After I got situated in my quarters, a sudden fatigue came over me after I’d sat down on the plush four-poster bed. My belongings: a suitcase and the pack I’d brought from Earth sat in front of the only dresser in the room. They’re only things. No matter how much I told myself that, I still couldn’t come to terms with the eventual loss of what I’d brought from Earth. The solar charger might work, but my phone would probably- a loud knock at the door startled me from my musings.

“Stefan? It’s Princess Celestia. May I come in?”

“Yes, Your Majesty.” I said. I inhaled, exhaled, and turned toward the door as Celestia opened it, then stepped through gingerly. Her horn lit after she came in, and the door closed softly behind her.

She took me in for a brief moment as we made fleeting eye contact, and I could feel her gaze linger as I turned away from her.

“I thought to invite you to a late night meal, for a chat. If you would prefer, I can have the meal brought to this room.” She said.

“I’d like that, yes.” I said. The unspoken third option which had her leaving me alone to stew went down in flames.

I heard the plodding of hooves on carpet as she came up next to me, and sat on the bed.

Why?

“Cadence and Shining Armor told me a lot about you, Stefan. They told me you were a bright young human, and that you helped them with many of the problems their kingdom faced, and that you were in some ways... ambitious.” She said.

“Yeah, well… none of that’s getting me any closer to home. But hopefully you can help with that, Your Majesty.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, well,” I rested my hands on my lap, and turned to look her in the eye. “The Empire’s archives are incomplete, which I suspect is due in part to Sombra’s reign. There’s no mention of the portal I came through, even though it predates Sombra. Indeed, the whole area under the throne predates Sombra, according to what Sunburst and I found. Maybe he expunged all record of it? That makes sense, because that same staircase was the one Princess Twilight stumbled into. The one that was boobytrapped, and locked by dark magic.

The portal itself broke when I used it, and from what Sunburst could tell, I was lucky I wasn’t reconstituted into a pile of boneless flesh or something when I came through. The spells, now that they’re gone, are going to be quite difficult to replicate. If we do manage to get a working prototype built before I die, we’d have to find the universe I came from, and… It’s hopeless with what I know now. I have a hunch that there’s something in the archives here in Equestria that might help.”

“You’re homesick. That is completely understandable, Stefan.” She paused for a moment, and set a hoof on my thigh. “But you’ve made a home in Equestria. I know Cadence and Shining both care for you, and I think you would do well to try to be at peace with the fact that you might not get back to where you came from. At the very least, you should know that you have a home here in Equestria.”

I nodded. “I know, I know. But, knowing is only half the battle. You’ve got to… got to get past your emotions before you can deal with something. I feel like that’s a little too fresh to toss away just yet.”

“I will not ask you to throw away your hope.” After a moment of silence passed, Celestia spoke again. “Perhaps we should move on to another topic. What do you know of Shezmu?”

“He’s… interesting.” I raised an eyebrow. “Why do you ask?”

“He is, as yet, an unknown to me. I must assess if he or his kind pose a threat to you, or my subjects.”

“I don’t know much about him, to be honest. He said he was a governor or some equivalent so I don’t think he poses too much of a risk to you politically.” I shrugged. “You’ll just have to ask him.”

We stared at each other for a long minute. It felt like she was leaning closer, and her hoof still rested on my thigh. If this were any other mare, I might be amused, or aroused, but with the Princess of the Sun I had no idea what went on behind those inscrutable eyes.

She smiled all of a sudden, and I felt her hoof leave my thigh.

“Well that does sound like a good course of action, doesn’t it? To think all I would have to do is ask if he were dangerous. I don’t think he’d say no.”

“Of course not. You sound like you’ve already got your mind made up on that topic, though.” I said, with a small smirk on my face.

She looked at me for a moment.“In that, you are wrong. I must say that I try to give everyone a chance before I come to any conclusions, and Shezmu is no exception.”

I nodded. “Be that as it may, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re asking me to tell you about him. For all intents and purposes, that sounds a lot like you’re trying to reach a conclusion. Now,” I paused, swallowing. “I don’t blame you. You’ve got responsibilities, and I respect that. But schmoozing with me isn’t going to get you anywhere. I think you already know that, though.”

She grinned, her teeth glittering in the light of the room. “I’m afraid you’ve nailed me down, Stefan. Perhaps we should move on to other, more happy topics?”

Author's Note

Right so.... late as fuck. Our bad. Life and shit. Don't worry about it. (also totally forgot to post this chapter back in November...... oops.)

Now. I should have realized this earlier but moving forwards I'll drop [3] and the like around certain words or phrases for those who are not overly familiar with ancient and not so ancient Egyptian words and culture. So don't worry about having to go back to the older chapters to get this info. For I'm sure the words used before will repeat. I will also be using these numbers sequentially as well so no worries about back tracking there either.

btw a Shendyt is very similar to a kilt in function though the design is quite different. They had style and quality gaps and where mainly worn by men and the better it looked and was the higher your station tended to because pricey/status symbol.

[1] The name of a wife of an Egyptian pharaoh
[2] Same as Mereneith
[4] Totally stole this from Magic the Gathering. Had the sickest Cat Cleric artifact deck awhile back. The Kha is a leader of a clan/tribe and is probably a pull from Khan from Mongolia. I just kinda tweaked the meaning so it was more of a honorable title since as Shezmu refused to be a direct figurehead and more like a village elder. The strings pulled from the shadows and all.
[5] A nod to the fact that most of the wild and big cats in Africa are far more active during the night.

Intro 2/2 Derail

If someone were to ask me what would be a good day to die I would have to answer Saturday. Though if you were to ask me why I would have picked Saturday, it would be because that was just the day my death happened to have landed on. Though in all honesty I could have not died that day and just have gone on with my existence. I could have finally changed the world, cured cancer, or something that would label me as a productive member of society. However, thanks to the not so subtle mental conditioning that, being arguably dumb enough to do so, the United States Army gave me It would be the first option. Possibly not in the way that would be recorded in history if I had any say.

Now, you might be thinking that I died overseas in Iraq or Afghanistan fighting for what-have-you, but I had already gotten out of the army at this point. I had actually been out for years and was just going about my life after moving back to Mesa, Arizona working a minimum wage job while trying to do better. But there are things that after two tours and several years of active duty service that will stick till the day you die no matter what you do. Unfortunately, in my case that means protecting the people from threats both foreign and domestic. However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t be unhappy about it even if I do it willingly. Much like every person who is working a job they hate and so on. Which of course leads up to the situation that I had put myself in.

First, I would like it to be known and go on the record that I was an absolute horrible human being. Yet, I considered myself to be an excellent earthling. I would constantly be thinking about how many of the things that humans covet, enjoy, and enforce are absolute madness and what I would do to change it. Then of course I would be thinking about how to deal with the people that would resist and so on but, that's not really the point. I love dead baby jokes. I would make racist jokes left and right with others even though I’m both Black and Navajo. Rather than be ‘nice’ about telling someone they were wrong about something I would call them retarded for not understanding something that can be explained by Barney. Sure, I do courteous and polite things, such as holding the door open for people, and helping people who move into the neighborhood move their furniture if I’m walking by. But, at the end of the day, I’m still an asshole.

So as I had lead myself back from working at a flower shop walking back to my apartment I had remembered that I still needed a second pair of slacks and a suit vest for when I had to look professional for things. Even though I was a veteran with an education background in sociology, for all the wrong reasons, all people are going to see upfront is a black man with an afro even if I’m Navajo. So, hoping the discount clothing store had some good prices for my clown suits I headed over to the mall. Now let me tell you… Talk about some fucking bullshit.

While I was going through the racks of slacks that were by one of the registers looking at some khaki pants and debating to continue to look for a pair of dark or light green ones, or be done with it I heard some guy who I could barely remember at this point start yelling about some other pointless shit or another. After working in the hell that is being an employee in a retail store I already could guess that the person yelling was a customer and more than likely a complete fucking idiot who can't read. Either way, I was curious and if at all possible I would have loved to make fun of the person for being dumb with some good old fashioned open mockery and made my way over as did a couple of other people. That was mistake number one right there.

As I got closer there was some average joe of a guy who had a couple pairs of pants and some button up shirts standing at that somewhat socially awkward spot that is the next in line person. Which, judging by his body language, was probably even more awkward than normal. This is however the point in which the yelling customer pulled out a pistol and started swinging it around a people. Fuck my life.

It’s at this point in which you would think that the war proven veteran would relish at this chance to once again prove their prowess in combat once more and be lauded as a hero of the people once again. I, however, was just very, very upset that my peaceful boring and uneventful day was ruined. Because of course I accepted a lifetime oath because I was a dumb seventeen year old kid who didn’t know what to do with life and joined the army just because both his parents did it. Fuck damn it all. So with the background that I had and also working a construction job before my current one I had the one thing that they all would have. A fixed blade knife sitting in my front pocket, and now I had to deal with this worthless scrap of afterbirth.

With an internal roar of frustration, I moved carefully to be out of his more accessible lines of sight, and set down the khaki slacks that I noticed I was still hanging on to onto a clothing rack. After unburdening myself I slid my left hand into my pocket and unlocked my knife from its sheath while casually making my way over to the gunman. It was during this I was able to take in some details about him as he started demanding the money in the register. His clothing was slightly dirty as if he was sitting on a dusty bench and only casually dusted himself off so he might have just spent the day and possibly previous night outside so he might be homeless. His slightly matted hair and ungroomed facial hair helped solidify this thought as I caught a side profile of him while he pointed the gun at the person that was standing in line behind him. Apparently he hadn’t thought it a good idea to not be near the guy threatening people with a gun.

Unfortunately it was during this observation I noted the clearly desperate person was now fixated on the guy who was just standing there and Mr. Gunman McHomeless’ finger was moving about erratically on the trigger. It was at this point I had to make a decision. Go for the gunman or his target. The target was closer to me by at least two running steps and of course in my infinite wisdom I chose to make sure no one was harmed. I rushed the guy just standing there and shoulder tackled him out of the way and onto the floor. This however startled the other one since he truly must not have noticed me. Talk about a missed opportunity there. Though the feel of a hole being ripped in my chest and out my back was an opportunity I did not miss out on.

Talk about fuck me right? I had just managed to steady myself as he pulled the trigger again and a bullet went straight into where my liver should be and stayed down in there. I would like to deny any screams of pain that came out of me at that moment and any video evidence is doctored. At this point I raised my left hand holding the knife and rushed at him knowing full well that I still had a good chance at surviving this. A third bullet caught me in the gut in the time it took me to reach him and grab the slide of the gun. I pulled the barrel downwards not wanting anyone else to get shot because I pointed the gun in a random direction. The reward for that effort was a fourth bullet hitting me in the leg as I barreled into him sending both of us to the ground. Knowing the gun was jammed it was my turn and using both hands stabbed at the left side of his chest and felt the blade graze a rib and sink into a lung.

At that point I was yelling in an amount of rage that would have made a well known prince blush. I stabbed down a second time and felt it dig into his sternum and only got angrier. I’m quite sure I was swearing but weather it was English, Navajo, or unintelligible gibberish I couldn’t say. Not really thinking about it at the time, but, looking back third time's the charm right? I got him right in the heart and felt the four inch knife go in halfway down the handle. Breathing harder and in more pain than I’ve ever been in my life and ignoring most of it with the the help of anger I grabbed his pistol that the guy was still squeezing the trigger of over and over again and cycled the spent casing and jabbed the barrel into one of his dying eyes as I stared down into the other. I would like to think I sounded cool while telling the man I was going to kill who I was, but I’m sure it sounded like gibberish. “Specialist RpamwuFwesukNyrkwt **** 3rd Squadron 73rd Cavalry Regiment 1st Brigade Combat Team 82nd Airborne Division.”

After I had pulled the trigger and dropped the gun I tried rising to my feet only to fall over clenching my jaw hard to stop the scream of pain from getting out and rolled onto my back. I looked down at myself and saw blood falling out of the holes in my torso and to my immediate horror spurting bright red from my leg. The last bullet caught me in the femoral artery and, now moving off more adrenaline than I thought my body could produce, yanked my slip belt off as fast as possible. I could dimly hear people yelling and screaming and a lot of movement as I was more focused on using my belt as a makeshift tourniquet.

As my senses went back to paying attention to the world around me I saw another pair of hands join my blood drenched ones and help me secure the belt slowing the blood flow to a slow steady stream. Though looking down and around me it might have been obvious as too little to late. Coughing hard and doing my best to breath i felt and tasted blood in my mouth and I couldn’t feel my lips, hands, or feet. Not a good sign by any stretch. Looking up to the person that helped me I noticed it was the guy who I shoulder tackled and I glared at him with as much hatred as I could muster as this is not the first time I had felt myself feel hemorrhagic shock start to think about making some travel plans.

Getting a mouthful of blood from a coughing fit while doing my best to breathe as much air in through my nose I spit it right in his face. I was quite adamant about how much I wanted him to know how much I hated him at that moment. “YOU FUCKING IDIOT!” If people weren't stunned at what I just did they were now. “Why in the fuck did you not run or move when someone pulls a fucking gun on you?!” I could hear an ambulance siren blaring and knowing that the nearest hospital is less than half a mile away I’m sure how long it took me to hear it wasn’t a good thing either. “I fucking hope your limp dick falls off you balless bitch!”

It was at that point I vaguely remember being treated by paramedics because most of that was a blur of pain, lights, and sound with no real way to properly process it all. Though I do know for a fact I conked out for good in the back of that ambulance because when I opened my eyes to see nothing that would have made any sense whatsoever. Even though a lot of the pieces I had from my last bout of consciousness were still there. Covered in blood… check. Body in pain… kinda check. Desperate need for oxygen... check and no longer an issue. Dark sand colored fur and the chemical smell of amniotic fluid, after birth, and shit… WHAT THE FUCK!?