Hearts And Hooves Day: The X Rated version
'Well, that escalated quickly.'
Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom sat on the steps of Sweet Apple Acres, looking very upset and thoroughly fed up, I tell you what.
Applejack, who'd just returned from a trip to the chiropodist to get her feet checked (all that apple bucking was sure playing havoc with her bone structure) returned to see her sourpuss little sis with her hooves crossed, along with her two other downbeat companions.
"What seems to be the matter, sugarcube? And... associated company." Applejack raised a concerned eyebrow at her younger sibling's uncharacteristic inertia. Usually at this time, she and her friends would be gallivanting around town trying to earn their cutie marks in an increasingly dangerous array of bizarre stunts.
She was somewhat relieved that her little Bloom wasn't putting her life on the line to get her special symbol for a change, but such unusual behaviour from the farm filly could denote something more serious was at play, and so demanded further investigation.
"It's just not fair!" Apple Bloom seemed to be half-ignoring Applejack as she pouted, her amber eyes trained firmly on the ground.
"...Never appreciate anything we do for them!" That was Sweetie Belle next, gnashing her teeth together as if chewing on a particularly tough bit of cud.
"It's all gone! Everything's ruined!" Scootaloo swished her tail from side to side with anger, causing the dust around her to coalesce into a miniature twister.
"Now just hold on there you three!" Applejack's firm statement seemed to finally permeate the stubborn brains of the Crusaders, and the morose trio nearly fell backwards at the sudden surprise of being disturbed. "Now, what exactly is going on around here?! Why are you lot looking so down in the dumps, on such a lovely day like this?"
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle immediately turned to their de facto leader for advice (although, officially they were all equal partners in this club) to see if they should spill the beans. Apple Bloom's only response was to neutrally shrug her shoulders: At this stage, it didn't really matter who they told, and if you can't confide in your big sister, who can you trust?
"Well, as you know it's Hearts and Hooves Day today..." Apple Bloom began her tale in earnest.
"It is?!" Applejack stated with genuine shock. The stress of running the farm everyday and helping clear up Friendship problems around Ponyville with the other Elements kind of cut majorly into the time it would take her to find a potential mate. Maybe some day... after all, every thriving business needs a future heir.
"Yes, it is." Sweetie Belle stated matter of factly. "And everypony in our class received special cards, even that horrible bully Diamond Tiara!"
"Is that so..." Applejack grunted a little at this startling revelation. That was the name of the disruptive filly who popped down to the farm a few weeks ago to be punished by her dad Filthy Rich for calling Granny Smith 'kooky' in front of the rest of the students. A nasty piece of work for sure, and nothing like her honest, hard working father whatsoever. She had looked sort of cute bouncing around with a pair of bunny ears, though...
"Uh huh." Scootaloo confirmed the veracity of the tale, as unlikely as it sounded. "So anyway, we found out after giving Miss Cheerilee a giant heart we decorated ourselves that she didn't have a special somepony at all! We couldn't believe it!"
Applejack chuckled slightly upon hearing this. Oh, the innocence of youth! "Sugarcubes, I'm sure like me Miss Cheerilee is just too busy right now to find somepony to settle down with. She's still young... I'm sure that, at a time of her own choosing..."
"It ain't fair that such a lovely, sweet mare like our teacher is still single when ponies like Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon get a box full of nice cards!" Apple Bloom sat there fuming, sub-consciously blocking out her sister's words once more.
"...So we made it a top priority mission to find her one!" Sweetie Belle squeaked happily, for the first time showing a bit of enthusiasm. "We looked all over town, but never seemed to find anypony who was good enough..."
"...That's when we stumbled across the perfect candidate, completely by accident!" Scootaloo said proudly, mimicking her unicorn friend's eagerness. "He's big, he's strong, he's really, really nice and will be able to protect her from any kind of danger you can think of! In fact, you could almost say he's family! It's..."
"Oh Celestia, give me strength." Applejack groaned at length, for she knew exactly what was coming next.
"...Big Mac!" All three yelled in unison, before Apple Bloom took umbrage to her sister's somewhat aggrieved demeanour. "Don't you agree, Applejack? I think he'd be a great homemaker for her while she's teaching, and they'll never ever argue... she'll be lucky to get a few words out of him at the best of times!"
"I suspected as much." Applejack rolled her eyes and sighed deeply upon hearing the Crusaders' well-meaning if somewhat misplaced scheme, and sat down gently next to them to inform the trio of a few home truths. "Darlings, real love isn't something that can be just manufactured like that, especially when it's three little fillies like yourselves doin' the matchmaking. True commitment takes lots of effort, plenty of sacrifice and a minimum of one hundred hectares of land..."
"...So anyway, we very nicely set them both up with a picnic." Sweetie Belle carried on independently of Applejack's speech, to show that their dedicated plan had moved on far in advance of the older mare's arrival on the scene. "But all they did was make pointless small talk before leaving! It was a total waste of time! We thought there was no hope in getting them together! However..."
"Oh, thank goodness everything was nipped in the bud before it could get out of hoof..." Applejack sighed with relief deeply, before being pulled up by Sweetie's last word. "...What do you mean, 'however'?"
"Then we ran into Twilight, who sort of lent us a book on how to make a love potion!" Scootaloo exclaimed with excitement, completely ignoring the growing look of horror on Applejack's face. "It wasn't easy to make, and it was a horrible pink colour after we'd finished stirring the mixture, but we managed to get them both to drink it... and what do you know, our magical concoction worked!"
"I-I see." Applejack remarked faintly, taking her stetson off to fan herself with it. "T-Tell me darlings, where are Miss Cheerilee and Big Mac now?"
"Well, you see that's part of the problem..." Apple Bloom visibly frowned while muttering under her breath. "It worked a bit too well. After they'd both swallowed it, they started to act really odd. They went to Sugarcube Corner where they called each other stupid names like 'sweetie-weetie pony pie' and 'lovie-dovie honey-bunny' that don't even make a lick of sense and made all the other customers there feel a bit sick."
"W-Well I guess if that's all that's happened, we should be okay." Applejack was cautiously optimistic at this stage, but she still pressed the Crusaders for further information. "And what did they do after that?"
Sweetie Belle pulled a face at the question, as if she didn't actually want to answer it. "Well, that's where the 'bad side-effects' started to kick in..."
Applejack's initial hopeful outlook was smashed to smithereens, as she stood up to confront the troublesome fillies head-on. "Side-effects? What do you mean 'side-effects'?!"
"Exactly what she just said." Scootaloo remarked, referring to her unicorn friend's answer. "They hate each other now, and we've been seeing lots of evidence of it all afternoon."
"H-Hate each other?!" Applejack swallowed a big lump in her throat. She was aware that she was beginning to sound like a deranged parrot, but frankly at this stage she didn't give a hoot. " H-How did you figure that out?"
"Well, first of all they kicked us out of our own clubhouse, and smashed everything up in there while rolling around on top of each other, battling for supremacy..." Apple Bloom grimaced at the memory.
"... They've been fighting for so long that they sound out of breath, while making all these weird noises like they're in pain, not to mention all the moaning... and groaning... and neck-biting..." Sweetie Belle shook her head at the poor couple's obvious distress.
"It even got so bad that when Miss Cheerilee wanted 'protection' at one point and Big Mac said he didn't have any, they carried on wrestling regardless!" Scootaloo sulked, convinced that the teacher and her friend's brother would be sworn enemies forever.
"O-Oh my..." Applejack began to channel Fluttershy, as all she could think of was what this might cost her in a civil lawsuit, and that's not even getting into what might happen eleven months from now. "A-And what did they say when the potion wore off?"
Apple Bloom glanced back at her comrades in confusion, before turning back to her sister. "Why are you talking about, Applejack?"
"Yeah, the big fight's still going on..." Sweetie Belle backed up her friend's claim.
"...They've just changed the location, that's all." Scootaloo finished off the shared thought.
"W-What?!" Applejack quickly grabbed ahold of the three bemused fillies, to speak to them in a very commanding voice. "W-Where did they go next?! W-We must find them this second! Well, go on, tell me! I have to stop this thing from going on any further than it already has!"
The Crusaders didn't have to say a word, they simply nodded their heads in a certain direction, which upon realisation of where they were beckoning made Applejack drop them instinctively while her stomach turned inside out.
Oh no. Not the farm.
Yes indeedy, it was the Apple family home that had been turned into a private little rendezvous, and now that Applejack was standing up once more she could just about make out what was going on through the steamed-up windows...
...Although, she'd rather wished she couldn't.
Shelves and cabinets turned over. Tables and furniture in disarray. Deep hoof marks in the wood paneling that weren't there before. Winona howling bitterly, as if she'd bore witness to a truly horrible event. Granny in the corner, rocking without the aid of a chair: "make it stop, make it stop"..."
...And the worst part of the whole unedifying spectacle: Two equine-shaped forms tangled up with each other, one normal-sized pinkish one, the other of a slightly larger reddish build. There was a great deal of vitality in their dual movement, and despite almost completely wrecking the humble dwelling both upstairs and downstairs, showed no signs of abating their ongoing 'struggle'.
Applejack attempted to shield her eyes as best she could, but it was much too late. The experience had already burned a permanent image in the back of her retina, and the future therapy bills could be ginormous for a simple fruit vendor.
Right now though her only recourse for the heavy trauma was to look away, while yelling "Big Mac" on repeat until she could fully accept what had happened in their very own shack that unfortunate day.
Whether it was fate, pure luck or a natural end to the potion's efficiency, stating Big Mac's name so clearly and loudly seemed to rouse him from his hypnotic state all of a sudden.
He stopped playing tonsil tennis with Cheerilee long enough to gaze all around him...
First, at the senseless destruction of his family home...
Then, at the now also recovered teacher beneath him quaking slightly...
Next, at the inconsolable visage of his older sister just visible from the misty window...
Lastly, at the slightly sheepish expressions sported by his youngest sibling and her friends at the front door...
Then, it all clicked.
"APPLE BLOOM!" Big Mac roared, getting up quickly and almost tripping over en route on something long and thin attached to his groin. "WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT PUNCH?!"
With a shared look which basically translated as 'uh oh, time to skedaddle', Apple Bloom and company fled as fast as their pudgy little legs could carry them, pursued all the way by a giant scarlet behemoth who was not best pleased to say the least.
Caught between whether to follow her big brother and plead the case for leniency regarding the fate of the three reckless fillies, or just wait until later when she'd hoof them all a broom each and force them to clean up the huge mess they helped create, Applejack felt a slight tap on her shoulder.
She spun around to face the identity of her prodder, and what do you know... it was Miss Cheerilee herself. Dazed, bruised, covered in hickeys and just about ready to dish out the world's biggest detention.
At this crucial juncture, Applejack wanted to say something comforting. Some wise words of wisdom, that would make everything better. A pithy quote which would philosophically encapsulate the whole sorry experience, and allow everypony to move on safely with no remorse and no regrets.
She could think of none.
"O-Oh hi there, Cheerilee! Lovely weather we're having! Apple tart?"
Author's Note
I was going to save this for Valentine's day next year, but I thought what the heck: I'm feeling a bit racy this weekend, so let's get this done now. I like to occasionally write outside my comfort zone, so here you go. Thanks for reading, and stay. 
