Mook Chatter

by Hclegend

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Changelings, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Starlight Glimmer, Thorax
Length: 2004

Changelings aren't just mindless mooks, you know. They're sentient beings like any other Equestrian. This is a story about two of them.

Changelings are an odd bunch, Feeding off of love, undergoing sudden metamorphosis by "sharing love", having the ability to shapeshift into most anything, there's a lot that this interesting species can do.

Or you could just have them as guards. Guards who do nothing except stand outside and keep an eye out for interlopers. In the middle of nowhere, with no life around for miles.

Strategic genius right there, if you ask me.

Published 2017-11-13 13:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-13 13:50:06 UTC

What's The Password Again?

In a decrepit cave in the middle of bunfuck nowhere, there lives Queen Chrysalis. Well, not really a Queen any more, but it was a self given title anyway so nobody cares. As "Queen" of the "Changelings", she had to repopulate her race of unreformed , unredeemable monsters in order to get revenge on that damn unicorn and her band of merry misfits.

Step one was to ensure her safety though. That's why she had two of her children guarding her home to prevent any interlopers from entering her domain. For days at a time.

"Why are we here, Wall?" asked Stone.

"I mean, our lovely Queen/Mother asked us to guard her door, Stone. I thought that was obvious." Wall replied back in kind.

"I meant in a more spiritual way, Wall. What purpose do our lives serve? Is there more out there for us?" Stone pondered aloud, much to the annoyance to Wall.

"Stone, buddy. We go through this song and dance every week. We both know we exist simply to protect our Queen. That's our job. It's even in our names, for Chrysalis' sake." Wall said, barely containing his resentment for Stone and his damn philosophy.

"God, you're such a buzzkill Wall. No wonder you're named after a structure, you're boring as fuck."

Silence fell between the two changelings, as a tumbleweed rolled by.

"So are we like, the last untainted Changelings in existence?" Stone asked, trying to pick up the conversation.

"Until our Mother births more, yes Stone." Wall replied, glad to be off the topic of existence. It was too existential for him. He was definitely more of a "Punch first, ask never" attitude. It was why he was a good guard. Probably due to genes or something.

"I mean, we've seen how our brothers and sisters got tainted by the ponies, right?" Stone asked, continuing the train of thought. "But what if we're the tainted ones? After all, look at us. Full of holes and we're covered in chitin. Meanwhile they look like actual creatures! The fuck are we, Wall? WE'RE ABOMINATIONS, THAT'S WHAT!" Stone yelled at his fellow guard.

Wall took the verbal bashing like a champ, however. "Stone, we are what we are. Deal with it or go see that Starlight Glimmer mare for a quick suicide if you're that desperate to end your existence. Everything's pointless anyway, so why not just sit here and keep our Queen safe?"

Stone was taken aback. "You really think Starlight could kill us?"

"Easily. She took down our Queen without magic, and since her throne is now broken... Well, we won't have any protection if she returns. We'll probably die horribly and painfully too." Wall stated factually.

"You're such a downer sometimes." Stone replied, earning a scoff from his fellow guard.

"I'm a realist, Stone. Now shut up and keep guarding."

"Another day, another Bit, Wall." Stone said cheerfully, as the two started to put on their guard armor as the sun rose just outside of the cave.

Wall ruefully sighed ruefully. "You say that every day Stone. We don't even get paid."

Stone tilted his head in response. "And?"

"Why did I make you two brothers again? Half of what comes out of your mouths is pointless bickering." A third voice piped up, startling the two guards.

"Queen Chrysalis my liege, I have to call into question why we guard in the first place." Stone asked with genuine curiosity and wonder in his single colored eyes, which elicited a groan from the large changeling.

"Oh dear Celestia you gained sentience. I knew I shouldn't have named you two." Chrysalis said with a holey hoof covering most of her face. "

Wall took this opportunity to pipe up. "As much as I dislike my brother's morbid curiosity about well, everything, he does have a point. We aren't exactly in Manehatten here."

Removing her hoof from her face, Chrysalis stood tall above her children. "We three are the last untainted Changelings in existence. I would be in the process of creating more, but quite frankly you two took so much energy to birth that I need to restock my "supply" of love before I can repopulate further. For now, I plan to attack a nearby settlement that hasn't gone full paranoia about us, you two make sure no ponies get any smart ideas about our extinction. Got it?"

"Yes, my Queen!" both changelings parroted without delay. It was more of a reflexive response than one out of pride or respect for their Queen, though.

"Good, now bugger off. This cave won't guard itself."

Stone and Wall were in a very familiar place: Outside the Cave; Bunfuck Nowhere. The weather was slightly more interesting than usual, with dust clouds being whipped up by strong winds, which gave the two something different to look at at least and would stop Stone from talking about stuff like the meaning of exist-

"Wall... Why ARE we here?"

Spoke too soon apparently. Wall sighed in defeat and turned towards his fellow guard/brother. "Stone, it's because we have nowhere else to go. We're incapable of doing anything other than standing outside of a dingy cave, we'll be killed if we try to escape to civilization and we have no idea how to become the "tainted" changelings so we can't even betray our Queen... As much as I want to at this point."

"Eh, maybe an opportunity will come by soon?" Stone asked, wanting to keep the conversation going."

"Stone, the most interesting thing to happen to us is seeing a dust storm. Face it, nopony or ling would willingly come he-."

"Hi, is this where Queen Chrysalis resides?" an unfamiliar feminine voice interrupted the two.

Both guards turned towards the source of the voice. A mare with a fetching pink coat, a striped purple/cyan mane and a rather pointy horn was suddenly here, along with a brightly colored... thing. It looked like a changeling if it was dipped in a rainbow and given stag-like horns. Rather gaudy to say the least.

"Uhhh... Do you know the password?" Stone asked the pair.

"P-password?" the stag-like abomination asked, nervousness in his voice despite standing a full head taller than the guards.

"Yes, the er... Password." Wall said, unsure of where his fellow guard was going with this.

"Yes... The password. To be able to confirm that you're not an enemy of Chrysalis."

The purple mare shot a quizzical look. "I don't remember Chrysalis having that much intelligence to actually implement a password. I'm impressed."

"It's for security reasons, madam. Now, do you know the password or?" Wall asked, hoping this would be over with soon so he could get back to looking at the dust storm.

"Fuck Starlight Glimmer." she said suddenly and clearly. The two changelings exchanged looks, as if to ask eachother as if they knew what the password was while simultaneously decide if that was right or not.

"Uhhh... Correct?" Stone said, unsure if she should be let through regardless of their bullshit password gambit.

The mare for her part seemed ecstatic. "Nailed it! You wait out here and keep your subjects company, Thorax. I'll go... "negotiate" with your Queen." She said, before happily trotting into the cave.

The two guards looked at the stag abomination again. "You're Thorax? The new changeling leader?" they said simultaneously, prompting a nervous laugh from the larger bug.

"Yup. I didn't really ask for this, but "when destiny calls, you gotta pick up the phone", as my friend Spike would say. Makes me wonder if you two would like to... Abscond your leader's rule? I accept anyling into my kingdom!"

Wall knew what was going to happen next, so he decided to politely decline before his brother suckered him into this. "I'm perfectly happy here, thank you. My brother on the other hand..."

Stone was for his part, genuinely curious about this prospect. So much so that he couldn't (or simply ignored) hear the sounds of violence within the cave, with his mother's screaming echoing out of there, which gave Stone pause, but he knew what had to be done for the sake of his brother and tuned it out.

"I would like to have a tour at the very least, if you don't mind, Thorax. Although I am excited for this opportunity for a career change, I'd like to keep my options open."

"Sorry to say bug-boy, but your options are pretty limited now." The mare reappeared, carrying a broken baseball bat covered in green goo and black chitin on via her magical aura which was sourced from her horn. "Sorry Thorax, but "negotiation" didn't work out as soon as I set hoof in that cave. Had to go with plan B. For "Beat her to death with a friggin' Baseball Bat."

Thorax for his part, tried to look dignified. "Dammit Starlight, this is supposed to be a peace offering, not an assassination."

Silence fell upon the four. You could hear a pin drop.

"Wait... You're Starlight... Glimmer?" Stone asked nervously, wanting to back up but couldn't due to his back already being against the wall. "P-please don't hurt me..."

Starlight's head once again tilted to give a questioning glance. "Okay, so your (former) queen made guards for the express purpose of keeping me out, but you didn't even know what me (or Thorax I guess) LOOKED like?"

Wall stared at the mare. "No, because she was so assured that nopony would come here that all she did was kinda just call you ugly and stupid looking. To be fair, you don't look half bad for a pony."

Starlight struggled to keep herself from collapsing on the floor with laughter. "So I guess the password thing was an on the fly thing created by you two to try and keep me out? Wow, you're actually more competent than she was!"

"Was?" Both said at the same time.

Starlight's laughter died down as her gaze turned semi-serious. "Yeah... Was. Because negotiations broke down as soon as I stepped hoof in that cave. Hence why I brought a baseball bat with me. Just in case." She said, lifting up her broken battered bat for both to see.

"Neat." Wall said. "Now what? You going to kill us too?"

Starlight briefly considered it before being interrupted by Thorax. "No. I will not allow more of my brothers to be senselessly beaten to death. Enough is enough. You two have the choice of coming with me to rehabilitate, or trying to make it out here alone." he said, his tone gentle but commanding.

Both considered their options, while Starlight attempted (poorly) to clean off her bat.

"I'm willing to give it a shot." Stone said, which prompted a response from Wall.

"I'm happy with what makes my brother happy. Not like we have much choice anyway."

"Fantastic!" Thorax said excitedly. "See Starlight, you CAN resolve friendship problems without violence!"

Starlight rolled her eyes. "No horseshit, Sherclop. How do you think I was reformed? Anyway, you two follow Thorax. I believe there's a town nearby with a bar. Need some strong alcohol to clean this bat off with."

And so, the two guards followed Thorax the half mile trot to the new and improved Changeling Hive, complete with many more gaudy multicoloured changelings that looked at the two with suspicion. There was also Prince Pharynx, a slightly LESS gaudy Changeling, who looked at the two initiates with smile and a wink, almost saying "You'll get there soon, I did."

They did. After several days of rehabilitation and relaxation, Stone and Wall finally embraced their good side and became guards to King Thorax himself. Starlight was unfortunately unable to attend due to being hungover, but she sent well-wishes to the two, along with a jar of their former Queen's goo as a gag gift.

It tasted like victory.

Author's Note

:twilightangry2: This spiraled out of control way too quickly. Ah well, at least you got Chrysalis!