Small Horse Poop Tale
by Present Perfect
Twilight Sparkle stood on the stoop of her library tree home, breathing deeply of the morning air.
"It smells like another wonderful morning in Ponyville!"
A series of fibrous nuggets thunked softly against the welcome mat behind her.
"What should I do today?" she asked, flicking her tail. "Maybe I should go visit one of my friends! Why not Fluttershy?"
After all, she thought as she trotted down the road, the shy yellow pegasus was the one pony out of her five newfound friends she'd seen the least of since moving to Ponyville three days ago. Fluttershy just didn't get out as much as Applejack or Rainbow Dash. If Twilight was going to learn about friendship, then she should make an effort to visit all her friends equally, and what better time than the present?
"Good morning!" called a blue stallion as she passed through downtown Ponyville. She smiled at him and stepped carefully over the line of road apples left in the wake of his cart. Across the road, a mare paused in sweeping the street to lift her tail, and a contented expression crossed her face. She turned around and kept sweeping.
"Everypony's so happy this morning!" Twilight smiled to herself. It faded as she realized she'd wandered to the fountain in town square.
"Where in the hay does Fluttershy live again?" She scratched her head. Nearby, the pennants of Carousel Boutique waved in the breeze.
Perhaps Rarity would know.
"Good morning, Twilight Sparkle!"
Something about Rarity's smile was off, Twilight thought. A reason why did not come immediately to her mind.
"Good morning, Rarity. Is... everything all right?"
"Why yes, Twilight!" Rarity's grin grew somehow more strained. "Everything's just fine. How can I help you today?"
"I was just wondering if you could tell me where Fluttershy lives." Twilight kicked at the carpet. "It's embarrassing to admit, but I wanted to visit her and realized that I never asked her where she lives!"
Rarity's smile fell a tad. "Well, she lives in a tree cottage between the market district and the Everfree Forest. But Twilight..." She lowered her voice. "You might not wish to visit with her... at her home."
"Well, I just get the feeling I won't be bumping into her in town anytime soon." Twilight's brows knitted. Something about Rarity's cross-legged stance pricked at her curiosity, but she couldn't make heads or tails of it. "I want to be the best friend to you girls that I possibly can!"
"Well, I suppose..." Rarity sighed. "Just don't say I didn't warn you."
Twilight blinked. "Warn me about what?"
"There's... no delicate way to put it. So I shan't. Enjoy your visit, Twilight!"
With an awkward laugh, Rarity ushered Twilight from the Boutique, closing the door as she receded into the shadows within. Twilight left a present for Rarity's rhododendrons before heading to Fluttershy's cottage.
"Fluttershy? Hello! How many times do I knock before giving up?"
Fluttershy's cottage was in a peaceful spot, despite its proximity to the dangerous Everfree Forest. The sounds of Ponyville were but the merest whisper out here. Twilight figured she understood why Fluttershy would like living here, at least. She just wished her friend would answer the door already.
As if she'd heard the silent wish, Fluttershy slid the door open the merest crack. Then, with a small gasp, she poked her head out.
"Oh, it's you, Twilight! How nice to see you."
"Good morning, Fluttershy," Twilight said brightly. "Is this a bad time? I just wanted to drop by for a visit, if that's all right with you. We haven't done much together since the, you know, Everfree stuff."
"Oh." Fluttershy chewed her lower lip. "It's not that, I... I just don't get many visitors at my house..."
"Do you mind if I come in?"
For a moment, Twilight thought Fluttershy might say no. Then the door swung all the way open. Twilight reeled from the immediate olfactory assault.
Fluttershy's cottage smelled like crap.
"Won't you come in?" asked Fluttershy, stepping meekly to the side. "I-if that's okay with you, that is."
The smell only got worse once Twilight moved past the door. It was like an entire zoo had been left out in the sun for a week after burrito night. Not even high school locker rooms had this much funk in them. Twilight's eyes watered, and when Fluttershy took notice, her cheeks reddening, Twilight only became more embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, Twilight," Fluttershy said, head hanging.
"N-no, it's all right," Twilight said, scrambling to find something positive to say. Her eyes flicked toward the numerous birdhouses hanging from the rafters. "I'm sure this is just the natural result of living with so many animals, right? I'll get..." She felt her gorge rise. "I'll get used to it eventually."
"It's not the animals." Fluttershy's hair shifted down over her face. "It's me."
Twilight stared at her. "You?"
Fluttershy nodded. "Do you know how many times a day ponies, um... make poopies?"
The number immediately floated to the surface through the many other random facts stored in Twilight's head. "Fifteen, on average. Why?"
Fluttershy gritted her teeth. "I'm only telling you this because we're friends. I..."
She turned away sharply. It didn't stop Twilight from noticing the tears.
"I can't go when I'm outside! Around other ponies, I mean. I'm that shy." Fluttershy began to sob. "When I have to go out to buy food at the market, everypony else is dropping horseapples left and right, and I just... can't! I hold it all in until I'm more constipated than Rarity, and then when I get home, it just..."
Twilight wrapped a leg around her, hugging her tightly. "Shh, Fluttershy, it's okay. I'm sorry."
"That's why my house smells so bad!" Fluttershy sobbed. "And why I can't have anypony over without feeling h-humiliated..."
Twilight knelt down, trying to look Fluttershy in the eye. "Fluttershy, listen to me. I was really shy when I was filly, and I had the same problem. I'll tell you what my mother told me to help me get over it."
Fluttershy calmed slightly. Twilight whispered into her ear. Fluttershy started giggling, then snickering, then guffawing and pounding the floor with a hoof.
"Does that help?" asked Twilight with a grin.
Fluttershy nodded, wiping tears of joy from her eyes. Twilight beamed. She was learning so much about friendship already!
That's when there was a sound like a foghorn, and something splattered all over the door. Fluttershy's laughter stopped immediately. The stench within the cottage took on a nuanced pungency it had previously lacked.
"Ah, shit."
Author's Note
When I came back to this story after so many years and opened the document to work on it some more, the first thing I saw was " 91st place out of 93 in the January, 2015 writeoff, 'All In'", and I laughed. A lot.
There may be something wrong with me, but that's why I solo-posted this story. :B I hope you think poop is as funny as I do, or you probably did not have a good time reading it!
Special thanks to Pascoite for "fibrous nuggets", assistance in choosing the cover art and generally being a bad influence. Thanks to Super Trampoline and kits for supporting this story!
