will it ever be the same?
It was one day ago. One day since Fluttershy broke up with him. Her hooves twitched. She already wanted him back, she missed him. Which was stupid, really, because she shouldn’t miss somepony who everyone said was abusive.
He had only gotten that angry a few times, it was nothing to be concerned about. He had it under control, and he really was sorry, he said so, and his voice was the most calming thing that Fluttershy had ever heard. It was smooth and silky and gentle when she needed gentle, and rough when she needed rough.
Maybe his voice stuck with her so much because that’s all she ever heard. Online relationships were hard, and everypony said they weren’t as real as real-life ones. That didn’t make much sense. Fluttershy missed him more than she missed any of her real life ex’s.
Ex’s. Ex-relationship. That means it’s over, it’s done, he’s finally gone. Fluttershy didn’t know if she felt relief or despair; it was an odd mix of both. Her mood swung from feeling free one moment to feeling like she was going to cry, because she missed him.
Abusive. Her friends said he was abusive, and yet he had never touched her, and he had never seen her in real life, only pictures, only her voice in response to his. How could he be abusive, he was so wonderful and real and everything to her.
Fluttershy promised him that she would never give up on him. Fluttershy promised that she wouldn’t leave him. How dare she break that promise, to someone she loved, to someone she still loved more than anything?
Because she did. She loved him, she loved him with every part of her, until she feared she might break. Love, love, love. He was her love, he was love. And yet… they said he was abusive, somehow. What had he done? He just got mad. Everypony gets mad! That’s normal, she really should unblock him, and talk to him. Really. He would be upset about what happened, but he’d get over it, just like all the other times she had tried to leave him.
Abusive. The word stung and wouldn’t leave her mind. Fluttershy hid from her phone and cried under a blanket. Maybe she’d just hide from the world forever, and never love again. Love. Abusive. Love. Abusive...
Fluttershy’s friends came in and told her that they’d take her to the movies. She got up, a shell of a pony, following without realizing what she was doing. Anything to distract her, anything.
It was one week ago. Fluttershy’s hoof had wandered over her phone so many times, over that number she had blocked, wanting to call, wanting to see. Was he alive? Did he kill himself over her? Was he sad? Did he get over her? Fluttershy didn’t know. All she knew was that she missed him.
She missed him, even though he had yelled at her last time she had tried to break up with him. She missed him, even though he had said terrible, horrible things, that sparked her imagination in all the worst ways. His words still made her paranoid and cautious, and she just didn’t know what to say. Being alone outside felt different, somehow. It felt alien, and unsafe. Which didn’t make sense. He was across Equestria, he couldn’t hurt her.
He couldn’t hurt her anymore. But, he never touched her. Never. So it wasn’t real, was it?
Was it even love, or obsession? Fluttershy didn’t know. She hadn’t been in love before. She fluffed her wings and looked in the mirror. That wasn’t her! The pony staring back was ragged and drowsy, frayed at the edges inside and out. Fluttershy barely recognized her. Would others?
After all, what had happened? She broke up with somepony. Everypony does that, so why does it feel different? Abuse? Ha, that wasn’t abuse, she just really really loved him! And she still loved him, she loved him, she loved him, love love love.
He had apologized. That was so important, it really was. The first time he had snapped with her around, he said he’d tear her apart, and she believed him, because he knew exactly what to say, always. He somehow knew how to cut her the deepest with his words, and Fluttershy had no doubt that he could do the same with a real knife.
But he was sorry.
He said so.
He was sorry so maybe Fluttershy should just go back and tell him she was sorry. There had to be something she could say to fix this! She could still fix this, right? They weren’t totally broken! All she had to do was unblock him and give him a call and-
Her hoof quivered over the dial button. No. He was abusive, they said, and she trusted them too. Most ponies, her friends said, don’t snap like that. Most ponies wouldn’t threaten her when they’re mad.
Fluttershy set down her phone and went over to bang her head against the wall. It had been a long week, and the feelings never really went away.
He was charming, though. He was one of those ponies that knew exactly how she thought, which meant that he always said what she most wanted to hear, when she wanted to hear it. He dazzled her with his words and his language as sweet and smooth as honey. The only thing he was missing to be perfect was empathy.
Sometimes it showed, in little ways. But most of the time, he had hid it, he wasn’t careless, and he really did try. He was charming, and that’s how he manipulated her. He knew how to hurt her the most, and Celestia above, did it hurt. Fluttershy knew her friends were probably right, and that she shouldn’t return to him.
And yet, she still missed him, somehow.
It was one month ago. Fluttershy had since confessed to Rarity and Twilight that she loved them, and they said they loved her back, and welcomed her into their relationship. Everything was perfect, everything was wonderful, it was almost like a dream. They didn’t yell at her, they never got mad like he had, and, best of all, when they said they loved her, it felt perfect and right! It didn’t make her a little queasy at all, and she didn’t feel trapped!
Rarity was the most beautiful mare that Fluttershy had ever seen. She was always generous with her time, and she loved her so very very much. Fluttershy spent hours talking and talking to her, and for the first time in her life, she felt like somepony was truly listening, and really cared about what she had to say.
Twilight was brilliant, even though she blushed and denied it when Fluttershy told her. She was funny and caring and Fluttershy felt as though she’d follow Twilight to the ends of the earth just to see her smile. And when she was happy, oh Celestia help her! She was so adorable, it made Fluttershy’s heart melt.
And Fluttershy was happier than she had ever been.
But.
But now she was starting to have nightmares about him.
First, they had just been that he had visited her, and hurt her in so many ways. Then, they progressed. He came over to visit her friends, and charmed his way into their homes. And then he killed them. And she always arrived too late to warn them. Her dreams were graphic, and left her crying and feeling helpless. The worst part was that there was nothing anypony could do to stop them.
She really wished she hadn’t told him where she lived. He knew, at least the area, and he would find her. This thought, Fluttershy knew, was paranoid and stupid. He probably was just getting over her, wherever he was. Or… so she hoped. There was no way to prove that he wasn’t coming for her.
No. No, she wasn’t going down that thought path again, that’s what made her end up institutionalized a few days ago. That, and, um, a moment of cowardice.
That place had been a madhouse, literally. Nurses had checked up on her every 15 minutes, 24/7, to make sure she was safe. She was barely allowed her blanket and plushie. Her roommate was okay, until she left, and then Fluttershy was alone. It was the longest 72 hours Fluttershy had ever experienced in her life.
But, she was healing, and getting over him, and everything was going to be okay.
Even though she still loved him, and feared she always would.
It was two months ago. Twilight and Rarity and Fluttershy. It just sounded right. Fluttershy had never been more in love, and everything was going wonderfully on that front. They loved her, loved her, love love love.
And, from what others said, it was a healthy relationship, even though they both loved her and each other. Somehow, it just worked.
But, on the edge of her mind, he still lingered. Abusive ponies don’t just disappear, after all. Moments of paranoia still struck her, and she couldn’t leave the house or do anything but hide under her blankets and cry. She felt weak for it, and the worst part was that the world didn’t know, the world didn’t care, and the world kept spinning. Only a few friends knew, and fewer understood what she was going through.
Paranoia was a funny thing. It ate away at Fluttershy, even though it didn’t show. He still showed up in her dreams, and they were still violent, but she was getting help. She had a counselor, and it was all going to be okay, or at least that’s what she told herself.
It was all going to be okay. Twilight and Rarity loved her very much, no matter what.
And Fluttershy promised that she’d always love them, and that she’d never leave them. And she meant it, just like she had once before.
