Adventure Time! Oh, Wait...
Spike and Twilight
Or; 'Why You Shouldn't Write Forty-Hours Sleep Deprived," a butchery of fiction written by B.
"Shpike? C'mon, wake up!"
The baby dragon laid still in his basket, and, not liking this, Twilight Sparkle lifted the basket in her magic and spun it until it became a blur accompanied by small screams. Soon, a purple blur fell to the floor, and the basket shattered the nearest window as it rocketed towards the moon.
Spike peeled his face off the floor, looking up. "T-Twilight? What are you—" A pair of hooves ceased him by the shoulders, lifting him to his feet, and dusting off his scales.
"N-No time to -explain, Shpike." Twilight stuck out her tongue in concentration. Then, she pulled back, frowned, and pulled out a gun from the depths of her mane. Before Spike could even scream, she fired. "Gotta have you nice and clean if we're going to make this work."
Spike was too busy screaming and burning alive to listen. His head became engulfed in flames, crackling softly as it stretched down his body, his screams intensifying. He gripped his head to deal with the pain, collapsing to the floor a moment later, rolling about in absolute agony.
Twilight looked down at the burning creature, before rolling her eyes. "Look, I know Celestia probably had her hoof full with 'running a nation' and 'fending off the forces of evil,' but I'm pretty sure there's enough time left over to teach you not to interrupted others!"
Spike's wailing continued.
Sighing, Twilight ignited her horn. Spike looked up to her, stopping to roll as he waited for her to summon magic or anything to extinguish the flames, only to see her levitate a flask from her tail, bringing it to her lips as she watched him burn.
Spike sat there, dumbfounded in flames, watching her chug the drink as the two never broke contact. He couldn't believe it. Out of all the ponies, Celestia had left him with a sociopath, one who had just finished her drink and promptly smacked him over the head with.
"Ow! Twilight, what the hay was that for?"
"You're fireproof, Spike." She levitated the flask back into the recess of her tail. "What you're feeling now isn't pain but the fear of pain." She looked back to him, who was sitting still. "How else do you expect to be doing that, huh? Just because something interesting happens doesn't mean you can negate pain."
Spike frowned and looked down, the rest of his body still burning, but there wasn't any pain, but shame.
"Like, seriously, did Celestia teach you anything?" Twilight walked across the room and pulled back a whiteboard, lifting a marker in her magic and began to draw. "If I brought Rarity in here and set her on fire, she would actually be screaming in agony. Do you know why, Spike?"
The burning drake lifted his claw, but upon receiving a glare from Twilight, lowered it.
"Because she has a coat and you're made out of scales." She drew clumps of alabaster flesh dropping to the floor, with such accuracy, that vomit churned in Spike's stomach. "Even if we had photo finish in the room taking photos, Rarity wouldn't be able to stop to pose like you were able to for the most arbitrary reason possible. Do you know why?"
"Because...because I'm a dragon, and dragons have scales?"
"No!" Twilight kicked the whiteboard back against the wall. "It's because you're an idiot. A dumb—" Twilight burped, green liquid drooling from her lips "—idiot whose mother didn't love him enough to teach him about the world and left him with me because of it." She lowered her muzzle to his, burping into the flames as they jumped. "Y-Y-You're the reason I drink, Spike. I want you to know that."
"Oh..." Spike blinked. A flame akin to the one burning around him building in his chest. "Wait a sec. I don't have to take this!" Spike stood up and shot a finger into Twilight's muzzle, effectuating bopping it. "Celestia left with you because of the experiments that you did under her nose. It's the very reason I write 'friendship' reports!"
Twilight sat back in her haunches and crossed her arms.
"And if I recall correctly, y-you were drunk when we first met!" Spike continued. "You were drinking before that! So how dare you accuse me!"
Silence. The two stared at one another. Spike was burning in both body and spirit, while Twilight sat coolly, as if waiting for the heat to die off. Then a few beats passed.
"Do you believe that?" Her tone was cold. "Do you think that Celestia put you at my charge for you to supervise me? The dragon that pees the bed and pretends to be burning alive" she inhaled, inching forward, "because he thought he was a dragon!" she yelled, pulling back, "was to keep the mare who was able to make her mane infinite depth and a gun that engulfs others in flame in check?"
Spike kept silent. He looked down in thought. "But Celestia made it sound—"
"Just how much do you believe that Celestia, Spike?" Twilight inched forward yet again every time she spoke. "The Princess that was never around when you were growing up, the same one that gave you up as soon as Luna came back." She began to whisper into the flames surrounding his ear fin. "That would've given her more time to spend with you, so why in that instant did she give you to me?"
Spike looked up with his eyes. "B-B-Because you n-need me m-more than h-her."
"Wrong yet again, Spike!" Twilight exclaimed. "It's because you're an annoying little idiot that pretends to be more than what he is. Celestia thought that keeping you with me would actually make you into a smarter drake, but speaking as a genius, I don't think there's any hope of fixing you! The only success in Celesta's plan is that she's away from you!"
Spike returned to looking down, feeling the heat beginning to spread away from him, but he wasn't in any place to care.
"I'm glad we're having this talk, actually, because I'm getting pretty sick of you myself." Twilight dug her muzzle into her mane, half of her head disappearing, before coming back with a clicker in-between her teeth. "Don't think I didn't set you on fire willy-nilly, because there is a reason, and the reason is this: mornings are the worst with you. You take, what, twenty-five minutes in the shower?"
Spike kept still.
"What the hay are you doing so long in there dude!" Twilight pointed the clicker at the wall, clicked it, and dropped it back into her mane. "In that amount of time, I-I could go in there, shave my mane and tail, brush my teeth, down a bottle of gin, invent the cure to cancer, find a universe where my mother isn't my mother so I don't have to feel incestuous about banging her, then come back just as y-y-you finish yanking it."
Spike stirred.
Twilight frowned.
"Is that what you're doing in there, champ?" Twilight asked, her tone suddenly concerned. "You don't feel like doing it in your basket it, so you do it in the shower. Is that it, hmm?"
"I-I-I like the way the water feels...and how everything cleans itself up."
Twilight sighed. She brought her hoof around his shoulders, or, at least, as much as the flames would allow. "I get ya, Spike, I get ya." She dug a hoof into her mane, metal clinking as she spoke. "To be honest, I'm happy you do that, y'know? I think we've avoided a lot of awkward moments in the kitchen and bedroom b-because you have the forethought to do your business in the shower."
"W-Wow!" Spike lifted his head, showing the mare his wide smile. "Twilight, I think that's the first time y-you've paid me a compliment that wasn't followed by an immediate—"
"But that doesn't stop you from being an idiot!"
"—harassment."
"Seriously! Do you have any idea how much more my time matters than your time?" Twilight popped out of mane with a straight bottle of booze, chugging till it was empty, before smashing it against a nearby wooden table and holding it before the dragon's throat. "I wasn't kidding about curing cancer, Spike. That is something I could have done in that amount of time, but because you have to jerk the gurken, ponies everywhere are going to die."
"Oh boy."
"Not just ponies but ponies that are kids!" Twilight threw her hooves up into the air. "Can you imagine that amount of spices that have cancer that you've killed? In in in that span of time, I could have also built a time machine, gone back to the dinosaurs, and cure them of cancer the destroyed their species!"
"B-B-But I thought an asteroid wiped the dinosaurs out."
"Not in all dimensions, Spike." Twilight closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. "Not all dimensions."
Spike stood in silence, without anything to say or to do, just burning alive without pain. Then, his eyes scanned the room, immediately widening as they did so. "Uh, Twilight? About the fire?"
"Oh yes!" She threw the remains of the bottle against the wall. "The reason why I set you on fire is because I'm a genius and you're a dragon."
"I actually wasn't referring to that."
"No, you don't understand, Spike. If you can, fire is better than water." Distant cackling and whizzing filled Twilight's ears, but she much preferred the sound of her own voice. "Seriously dawg, if I had scales instead of a coat, I'd be bathing myself in flames all the time. W-W-Water is fine and all that, but nothing purely cleans you like fire does."
"Actually, Twilight, I think water would be better in this situation."
"Oh don't give me that!" More green liquid spewed from the corners of Twilight's lips. "Fire feels just as good as water, if not better! You don't always have to feel guilty about using up the hot water because fire is always hot! It's quick, warm, cleans you from head to toe, leaving you fresh for a new day."
"Twilight you should really look around you."
"I've already told you about how much of a baby dragon you were being," Twilight said. "What, are you going to tell me that fire doesn't feel good? That it hurts? I thought we were over this. From now on, you're taking fire baths, and I'm curing cancer."
"Twilight, please, just—"
"You're taking the fire-baths because you're a dragon and I'm curing cancer because I'm a genius!"
"TWILIGHT THE LIBARY IS ON FIRE!" Spike finally shouted. The other mare blinked, looked around, and indeed saw the red hue of flame all around her. "YOU'RE ON FIRE." She then looked down to see, that indeed, her lab-coat was charred and on fire.
"Huh, so I am."
Spike crossed his arms. "So much for not feeling pain because you weren't aware of it. Just waiting for the comedic timing like everybody else, huh?"
"Spike." Twilight covered her eyes. "The reason why I'm not screaming out in pain is because I'm wasted beyond belief—it's called a delayed reaction. Watch." And, with that, her face lit up in fear as she began running around the room, screaming at the top of the lungs, "Sweet !@#$%^&* Celestia I'm on fire!"
Spike sighed as Twilight did circles around him. To his left, the comics on the shelf had already been burnt to ash, and to the right, the photos documenting his life engulfed in flame. One was of him, a few days after he had been hatched, cradled in Celestia's foreleg as they both smiled to the camera. Below it, Twilight was holding a sword in her magic, while he was down on one knee, with 'number one assistant' written across his chest in sharpie.
Ignoring the plot-hole, the drake shrugged his shoulders and began running in circles as well, the two often crisscrossing. Spike screamed in intense pain as well—just not like the physical kind Twilight was enduring.
"C'mon, Shpike, it wasn't all bad."
Spike kept still in the left seat of the hover-craft, legs thoughts pressed against his chest, head dipped in the space between his crossed arms. Oh, he was also silent as well, in case that wasn't already mentioned.
"I mean, sure, there's a bit of a fire, but that makes us kinda like the phoenix, you know?" Twilight put her lips to a small tube, one that trailed outside the window to a giant hat adorning the top of the car, two ridiculously big canisters of booze attached. It was only for the weightlessness of space that this was deemed possible, or, at the very least, believable. "You may be young, but I feel super old, so it's nice to be young again. Y'know, young like you!" She laid a hoof on his lap. "Maybe this the compatibly we've always needed."
A claw took her hoof and pushed it off his lap. "Twilight. I get this is the part where either our relationship needs to deepen, or the call of adventure needs to happen, but I just lost my home because of you, so I rather just get on with the plot."
"Don't be like that, Spike." Twilight curved the hover ship around the moon, flipping off Luna as she did so. She was thankful Spike was wallowing as not to see her behavior—the drake seemed like a snitch. "Maybe the library needed to burn down, like there were books that could seriously screw up the balance of things if the wrong unicorn found it. We gotta be like a phoenix, Spike, remember the phoenix!"
"All that I've ever loved or valued is now gone."
"I'm still here, Spike."
"My point exactly."
"Yeeesh!" Twilight levitated a pen out of mane, placing in-between the handles of the steering wheel, where it then extended and grasped the two in its grip, keeping them in place. For a few moments, they drifted forward in silence, neither moving or talking. Then, Twilight turned her head. "My phoenix example is still valid here. A burning new start to the world."
"I'm still on fire, Twilight," Spike said, causing Twilight to blink. Indeed, he was still on fire. She questioned how she was able to touch his lap earlier without feeling pain, but quickly decided not to think about it. "And I'm getting quite sick of the sensation."
Twilight sighed. "Fine." She rolled down his window, and before he had a chance to scream yet again, the drake was pulled into the vacuums of space. The flames stopped immediately, but the drake constituted to float around the car, grasping at his neck as he screamed.
"So much for not being able to hear you scream in space," Twilight muttered to herself, digging a hoof into her ear and pulling earwax. She examined it, flicked out the window, hit a button, watched a claw grab Spike from inside the hovercraft, and toss him promptly back into his seat. A moment later, Twilight rolled the window back up.
"Congratulations, you're no longer a phoenix." She finished rolling up the window, looking over to the drake, who was gripping his seat with his claws and feet, shock implanted firmly on his face. "Happy?"
Spike's head trembled as it inched left to look at her. "T-Twilight, I w-wanna go home."
"Can't. Burned down. Remember?" Twilight burped, feeling her pores sweat, then looked left. The sun looked back at her, the proximity of its heat setting the hovercraft on fire, much to the drake's chagrin and the pony's joy.
Then there was proximity to Spike's and Twilight face, causing the former to blush. "Uh, Twilight?"
"Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you," she pulled back a bit so that her rump hit the window, slowly sliding it across the glass. "It would draw a bad parallel to what you and I are to be referencing."
"Oh, um, okay then." Spike looked over her shoulder, both meaning and not meaning to stare at her butt. The one with stars on it and a tail attached. "Uh, Twilight, why are you doing that?"
"Showing Celestia that quality is better than quantity," she said, satisfied she'd smeared the window enough, and returning her rump to the seat. She disarmed the lock on the wheel and increased their speed, an effective 'drive-by,' only with butts instead of guns. "Plus, I'm hoping the absurdity of the situation snaps you away from everything that happened in the previous scene."
Spike blinked.
"Probably shouldn't have said that."
Spike threw his head into the seat, looking to Twilight from here. "Can we please just go home, or make a new home, or anything that isn't this?"
"C'mon Spike, we're almost there."
"No!" Spike said. "I just want to go home, to a pond or a lank, do the hank-panky while thinking of Rarity, then just dying. That's all I want, Twilight!" He looked forward, paying no interest to the distant planets and stars. "I just want to die; you made me want to kill myself. I-It's like I'm committing seppuku, but instead of you cutting my head off afterward, I just want to lie there and die."
Twilight continued to drive, unsure of what to do or say, occasionally glancing over at the little drake. He just sat there, arms crossed and eyes forward, never flinching. Frowning, she went to place her lips over the tube, pausing halfway, sighing, then pulling away.
Then, an idea.
"How about that then, Spike?"
"How about what, Twilight?" Spike said, still looking forward. "There's a ton of things I just said, so you h-have to be more special about which one of those things you're referring to. You always get mad at me when I don't get it when it was your fault!"
Twilight raised her hooves in surrender, the hovercraft veering left into a water world—not the movie. Well, the movie could have been filmed there, in a different dimension, but that's not the point of this paragraph, which is Twilight finally surrendering authority to Spike for once. "I admit your right. It's not easy, trust me, but I definitely see your point."
Spike glanced at her for a second, seeing her honesty and his impending death, and looked forward again.
Twilight's hooves pushed the steering wheel forward, saving them from water world—the movie or the planet, you decide.
"Y-You really want to be with Rarity, right, like, super bad?" The drake nodded his head. Twilight smiled. "What if I said that I could make her yours?"
"... ... .." Spike kept looking forward, then glanced down, before turning his head in her direction. "I'm not losing my ability to have kids again just for a body pillow."
"No. No!" An abrupt burp shot Twilight's back fully against her seat. "C'mon, Spike, I already told you I'd never trick you again."
Spike looked away, thought for a moment, then looked back.
"No clones either!" He shouted. "I don't care if they're identical, I don't care if the clone would be willing to do it in the dishwasher—I want the real deal, and that's the only way I'm consenting."
"Alright alright!" Twilight pushed the wheel forward, nose-diving into a purple vortex, one that expanded and shrunk the both, showing in their peripherals all the wonders that they could never even think to dream, but the pair had seen them too many times before to care. Twilight looked back to the dragon, swatting the air around her of the majestic shapes that should be incomprehensible to see. "I promise you, Spike the Dragon, that Rarity will be sitting on your lap, tomorrow night, like you were Santa Clause."
"...but Christmas is still four months away."
"Geese, Spike, why do you have to take everything so literally!" They reached out of the tunnel, being shot out of a pair of lips, to a planet of a pure whiteness.
Spike hunched forward, a smile on his lips. He looked around at all the windows, a vastness of holy whiteness surrounding him, as he felt a warmth in his heart that he had never felt before. "Wow, Twilight! Where we?" He stood up and pushed himself against the window, the whiteness emitting a faint, golden light. "It's peaceful here. Is this...is this heaven...Twilight?"
He looked over to Twilight just in time to see her pull a chain, one that slinked up into the ceiling. A moment later, a light blue liquid sprayed onto the windshield as something behind it began to wipe.
"Not heaven. Whale entrails." Windshield wipers flicked the whiteness into space, revealing a green planet. A lavender hoof began pressing the buttons above the shifting stick, metal clinking below, as wheels came out from the bottom of the craft. "Those space whales really need to check both ways before crossing the vortex." She gazed at Spike. "Seriously, that wasn't our fault in the slightest."
Spike pulled back from the window, eyes averting the split window. Then, a golden light shimmered across the glass, exuding the same warmth as before. A smile came off his lips as the drake turned back around. "How about that light then, Twilight?"
"That's the whale essence, Spike."
The baby dragon's smile stretched further.
"Don't get your hopes up, it's not going to the imaginary place called heaven either."
Spike stopped smiling. "What...what's going to happen to its essence, then, Twilight?"
"I guess now's a good time as any to rip the bandage off," Twilight said, sighing. "Look, when that whale died—which was totally not our faults—it emptied its essence into vacuum space as you do in the shower in our ex-home. It's comforting to think that golden light will somehow transition into a different plane of existence, a heaven so to speak, where everyone gets to live for eternity." She glanced over at him. "But it's better to know the truth. No matter how hash it may be, it's always better to have truth and honesty on your side."
Spike remained silent, eyes jumping from the light outside to the friend inside.
"The truth of the matter is that essence isn't going anywhere special." Twilight resumed looking forward, the only place that matter, where the planet grew bigger as they drew closer. "It'll just float there, fading as ages pass by, until there's nothing left."
Spike remained silent.
"Hey, cry if you need to, it's the truth that haunts every genius." The gauge below the wheel flickered. Twilight flicked it, the fuel of the craft beyond low. "But there's a freedom that comes from that, y'know? Because nothing matters, you get to decide what matters. Since death is the scariest thing, you don't have to fear anything else, because nothing can be worse than dying."
Spike remained silent.
"There are many distractions to keep you from the harsh truth, like friends and family, jerking it in the shower and reading books." Twilight sat back in her seat, unsure of how to break both the news of mortality and the exhaustion of fuel. "Knowing the truth allows you—" The craft shook, jostling the two in their seats.
Once the shaking ceased, the two got up in their seats and looked out the window, seeing the tank door open. Then, the golden light shimmered into it, the craft steadily sucking away at its essence, before the tail of the wisp disappeared, and the car gave a loud burp, closing its tank door.
The fuel gauge went to full.
"Bo-ya!" Twilight exclaimed, flipping a switch over their heads. The thrusters came to life with fire as the two rocketed towards the planet. "There is use in death after all!"
Spike remained silent.
The hovercraft glided over the stone city, its shadow engulfing mutant figures and torch-lit flames, coming close to murky waters, and touching down on a circular pier. Spike, rendered motionless by nihilism, sighed. He stood up, fueled by curiosity, looked out his window to the surrounding air ships.
"Twilight?" His voice was weak. "Where are we?"
"Easteros," Twilight replied, flipping a switch just as the headlights went dim, "The place Dash really wants to visit for some reason. It lives both in the future and in the past, and if you know what's good for you, don't make any comments about anyone's legs."
Spike turned away from the window. "What do you mean about the future and the past?"
"Easteros past—" Twilight levitated a neck shackle out from her mane. "—condones slavery. Easteros future—" electric shocks emitted around the shackle "—uses technology to enforce the ways of the past." Twilight knocked a hoof on the shackle, returning to its archaic appearance. "But only if it remains thematically consistent to the 'medieval' period they're portraying."
Spike went to ask another question. Instead, the shackle clipped around his neck and locked into place. The dragon strained to breathe, gripping at the metal, only for the blue color to return, his body trembling with electrical currents.
Twilight looked down at the shivering creature, sighing under his pained groans. She levitated a flask out from her tail yet again, chugged, tossed it, left the car, came to the other side, opened the door and watched the dragon seizure out onto the stone ground. Then, she pulled out a sonic screwdriver, aimed it at his collar and fired.
Spike stopped shaking. He stood up from the stone, able the breathe, as the collar felt loose around his neck. He looked up to Twilight, who had a chain in her magic hold, and, in giving it a yank, pulled the little dragon along to her slide.
"Hey, Twilight, what gives!" Spike shouted, putting his heels on the ground and pulling back on the chain, but was dragged to the stone street anyway. "You can't just put me situations like these and expect me always to be complacent!" They were engulfed in shadow.
"Hmm?" A towering, crocodile-like bipedal block their entry to the street. "What's this? A slave talking back to it's master?"
Spike's claws let go of the chain.
"Hey, missy, need someone to beat that lizard of yours into place?" He hunched forward, a smirk somehow covering his muzzle. "Free, of course, if you let us do the musical."
Twilight kept silent as if considering the offer. She looked over at her smaller charge, who had his claws on his chest and eyes ready to cry, seeming to beg her not to. Sighing, she looked back to the bipedal thing. "Listen, buddy, this is my fifth time visiting this quadrant, and I've seen your kind sing and dance to your history more times than I've sung the national anthem back home." Twilight looked down at Spike. "But that's only because I didn't go to school."
The creature returned to its towering height. "And what's stopping me from beating that lizard to a pulp and us breaking your legs, so you have no choice than to watch the performance?"
"For one, I'd kill you before any of that happened," Twilight said as she looked back up at him, her current buzz fading from her mind, leaving only pain. "Like, seriously, I have a gun that engulfs you in flames! I'm not in the mood for this type of shit."
The creature rolled his neck, emitting audible cracks. "And if I am?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Then you'd have to deal with the fury of the queen as well." The made the larger creature blink, stepping back onto the pavement. "That's what I thought, huh? Don't want to make miss overlord pissy now do we?"
"A-And why would the queen care for your lot?"
"Take a closer look genius." Twilight yanked the chain forward, pulling Spike before the crocodile thing. "He's not a lizard but a dragon." She coughed, taking a moment to clear her throat. "A male dragon, mind you."
The towering creature's face lit up, stepping out of the way, and gesturing a claw to the street. "I'm so, so so sorry to have caused you a disturbance. Our lady is just up the street, in the Colosseum just past the food market—please don't tell her what happened here."
"No guarantee, buckaroo," Twilight said as she passed him, lifting the flask on his belt with her magic. She happily chugged away as she moved through the streets, dragging a dragon who was still confused and afraid. Confused at all wakes of life and building surrounding him; fearful of whatever fate was in store for him.
"Uh, Twilight?" He walked extremely close to her, whispering in her ear. "What exactly are we doing here? And, uh, why am I chained up."
"I've already told you where we are, Spike," she replied, finishing the flask sooner than she would like, and tossing it onto the street. A bipedal woolly mammoth then sucked it up with its trunk, pointing to a 'no littering' sign afterward. Like usual, Twilight ignored him. "And you're chained up, because, for the current moment, you are my slave. The act has to be believable if this plan is going to work."
"Plan? What plan!?" Spike yelled, not caring for the gazes he earned. "You know what, Twilight, I'm sick of this! I'm sick of always having to follow you and do as you say, that, that I don't really even need this chains. From burning alive to all the chores you leave me with, I'm already your slave!"
"That's good, Spike!" Twilight said, noticing the many vendors looking towards them. "If we start the play out here then the guards will have no clue something's up." She looked back to him. "Seriously, you're so good it's like you're not even acting right now."
"That because I'm not acting, you, you dingus!" Spike continued. "I'm sick of looking up to you just to be vomited on. I hate offering ideas just for all of them to be trashed. But, more importantly, I hate you, Twilight."
"T-That's good, Spike, I hate you too."
The dragon's ranting lasted to the Colosseum, where, after the prospects of male dragon trade were made, the duo were let inside, and shown to the queen herself. Many insults and repressed feelings later, the two were shown before the queen.
"Ah, I see you've made it to me, Twilight Sparkle." The queen shifted her gaze to the smaller dragon standing at her side. "Looks like our communications weren't a waste of time after all. His name is Spike, correct?"
Spike was too busy staring at the queen to nod his head. Her upper half was utter-beauty, golden locks and shimmering blue eyes, with things below exposed to the world that should not be. Of course, everything great thing in life has its price, which was why her lower body was an arachnid.
"That's the name I gave him at birth," Twilight said, stepping forward and pulling on the chain. "He's still considered a baby dragon by our society's dumb standards, but trust me when I say he's packing down below."
The queen studied him with her gaze, before a satisfied look became of her face. Lifting the polearm in her right hand into the air, she brought its butt into the ground three times. In a second, the guards took the chains from Twilight. "Bring him to the mating room."
"Mating room!" Spike tried pulling back once again on the chain to no avail, the guards pulling him to rather large sized doors to the left. He looked back to Twilight, who, using her magic, drew a small photo of him banging Rarity, only he was much taller and stronger.
Before the drake could say anything, the doors opened, and he was thrown inside, the doors closed immediately afterward.
"Now." The voice caused Twilight to look forward again, where the queen stood up on her spider legs, and began to approach the mare. "You brought me what I desire; it's time we figure out how I can do the same for you."
Spike tripped in the darkness, his fall saved by rather large leaves. He picked himself up and pushed through the apparent jungle, unsure how such a drastic shift in biomes could occur. There was something else here, its gaze heavy upon his shoulder, as he looked in every direction for it.
Soon, however, he stumbled into something that wasn't tree nor rock. Looking up, he saw orange eyes glow amongst the dark, and something seized his right wrist. The drake tried to pull away to no avail, tempted to scream for help, until another voice spoke inside his mind.
'You're fire-proof, idiot," Twilight's voice whispered. 'Just set yourself and it on fire.'
Seldom as he was to accept the advice, the drake brewed the flame in his chest, letting it build slowly upward, until erupting out from his mouth and engulfing all that was before it. Light came, in a green hue, capturing scales both purple and blue.
Spike felt the world spin as the figure before him became illuminated. Standing before him was a dragon, taller than he was, yet slimmer, blue scales curving in all the right places. The two lumps on its chest interested him the most, trying to figure out what they were.
"Do you mind?" the blue dragon asked, her voice feminine.
Spike blinked in realization.
"So you're the chum that's supposed to fill me up, huh?" She glanced him up and down. "I suppose I've seen worse. C'mon." She walked forward and dragged him along the dirt. "I've been getting the mating rock ready for months now."
Spike's eyes widen as his breath was stolen from him. "A-Are we g-going to m-m-mate?"
"Uh, yeah?" She huffed. "It's the whole reason you're here y'know?"
"B-B-B-But we hardly know each other! I don't even know your name."
"Name's Ember."
"M-My name is Spike."
"Okay, Spike, let's fuck."
The drake felt a tingly sensation spread throughout his body.
Unicorn and half-spider had been escorted to the latter's private chamber. The same latter from the previous chapter insisted on lying in her bed in a pose she hoped would be alluring, but could quite possibly be the reason why Twilight was pouring a glass of wine, downing it, then pouring herself another.
"I've been thinking about our little agreement, Twilight," the queen said, slurring the last word. "Of ways we could sweeten it."
Twilight turned around, face stoic, wine in her telekinesis. "After you show me proof of your end."
"Aren't we the party pooper?" The queen reached out for the candlestick on her bed counter, pushing it forward, causing the rightmost door to move right slowly. Dust shook out from its crevices, and a few moments later, the space behind it was revealed.
Twilight downed the wine, floated it back to the table, and slowly approached the revealed space. It was a small recess with a small wooden table, and upon it, a large green egg stood upright in a golden bowl.
"My first, stillborn, but my first," the queen gave commentary as Twilight examined the egg. "I have no idea why you would want such a thing, something that means so dear to me, when we've now procured the means of populating more dragons."
The queen pulled another candle, revealing yet another fake wall next to the other false wall. And, in this space, as you might have already guessed, was another egg. Yellow this time around. Go figures.
"I've only my two females left to me now, the younger and older sister, and this egg with a chance." The queen reclined further into her bed. "The other nations of this world are drawing closer every day, and even with three possible dragons at the helms, I still suffer the fear if they were to perish."
She took a glass of wine, swirling it in a toast in Twilight's direction—who was too busy knocking on the first egg. The green one, just to be safe. Was it green? Eh, who cares. What matters is that it's an egg. It's not like the color of the egg determines the color of the dragon, right? Oh boy, if that were the case, then racist dragons could do their wicked deeds, and all they would be accused of would be abortion.
Oh, right, back to the story.
"But with an army of dragons?" The queen smiled, tilting the glass past her parted lips. "We'll be unstoppable."
"You keep saying we a lot," Twilight said, satisfied that the egg before her was the one she needed. She turned around to find the spider lady with her spider legs parted. "What are you..."
"That's the part of the deal I want to sweeten," the queen said, stretching her spider arms towards the lavender mare—god damn it. "You and I, queen and queen, sharing the same bed. What do you say, Twilight Sparkle?"
Twilight squinted, wrinkled her nose, reached a lavender tendril (ha!) into her mane, and pulled out the gun responsible for setting her charge on fire and burning down her home. Then she aimed and...
"C'mon Spike, you really need to want it."
The two sat on a rock.
"I'm trying, Ember!" He cracked open an eye, surveying her slender body and striving to not think about slenderman. "You look nice, and I do want this, but I just can't get it up. "
Ember shifted. "No shame, no restraint! Dig deep into your base desire, past the voices of doubt and envy, and want the thing you truly desire at this moment!"
"What I want..." Spike clenched his eyes. "...what I want is..." Beads of sweat rolled down his face. "...what I want is for Twilight to love me!"
Then in there, the drake grew six feet. There's probably some description of a green light exuding from his body, of his limbs and tail slowing expanding outward, but just take my advice of that he grew six feet and grew into what you imagine a teenage Spike to be. Oh, make sure that image has him looking sharp with mannish spines for narcissism sake.
Ember stared at him, her eyes scanning his body as her head nodded, but with a raised brow at what he had said. When the two made eye contact once more, the purple dragon (that's just as bad, isn't it?) finished his sentence.
"...platonically, of course!"
"You set me on fire you !@#$."
"Wow," Twilight said, watching the spider-lady thing to flaming circles in the chamber, "nice use of arbitral censoring there. Since the plot has degraded this far, I can probably use a cliche to end the conflict here."
Twilight put out her hoof, and, of course, due to the already limited and tired brain power of the writer, the queen tripped over the said hoof. And just to make things amusing, Twilight withdrew a fully functioning window and threw it against the wall, which the queen fell through, a splash of water erupting a few seconds later.
Stuffing the window back into her mane, Twilight cantered back over to the first egg, picking it up with a grin. But, before she could leave the room, she glanced at the second egg, and a devious plan bore fruit inside her mind.
"It like, I've looked up to her all my life, right? I want to be her."
Ember had her arm around the dragon's neck, his face pressed against her chest. He was too busy letting it all out to realize just how much of a lucky bastard he was. "Mmhmm. Mmhmm."
"What's worst is that I can never read her! Does she love me back as a friend, or is she truly using me for her self-interest? Do I stand a chance of becoming better if I endure the abuse, or am I better trying my luck with Fluttershy?"
Spike pulled back from her chest, looking at the female dragon from behind a veil of tears. "Is it so wrong to wonder if the pony you've spent your life with care just as much about you?"
"Not at all, sweetie." Ember wiped the dragon's tears, smiling softly. "Not at all. I have an older sister myself, stronger and having won nations for our mother, I often wonder if she even sees me as a sister as well. We all deal with these thoughts, Spike, you're not alone in them."
He began to smile. "Really?"
"Mmmhmmm." She nodded. "It's just matter of how react we react to them that makes us all different. There is no right or wrong reaction, just a matter of being honest and figuring out what works best for you."
"I...see." Spike wiped his own tears, the last of them, as he learned to stop crying. "Thank you, Ember." He wrapped his hands around her and took her into his embrace, far too lost in gratitude to indulge in the wonderful feeling of the two things pressing against his chest. "I've been dealing with this feelings and thoughts for years, and yet, one talk with you, and now I'm at peace."
He pulled back, but she closed the distance yet again in a kiss. His first kiss. Scaly lips met scaly lips. They meshed together horribly. But it was their first kiss, so they could be as bad as they wished and get away with it, because, y'know, first kiss and all that.
Then, Ember slowly pulled back. "I like you, Spikey," she slurred the word like the queen before. "I've met other dragons that have fought for my heart, all for the sake that they could say they won my heart. But you are different, Spike."
Spike gulped. "I-I am?"
"Mmmhmmm." She traced a finger along his pecs (ego inflation, baby.) "Never have I met a dragon so deep and complex, so caring and willing to talk. With most dragons, it about being the alpha male, but with you, I feel as though our souls can truly connect."
"O-O-Oh yeah!" Spike stuttered, thinking of Rarity at that exact moment, and wondering if this was considered cheating. "I sure feel connected all right."
"But, luckily for us, that won't be the only thing connecting us." She inched forward, whispering things into his ear that would earn an M-rating. When she pulled back, the drake's face had gone from purple to, well purple, but the kind of purple you get from blushing madly. But then you could just say Spike was blushing madly instead of stating 'the drake' all the time.
"So," Ember began, "are you ready to get frisky, Spikey-Wikey?"
If anything had gotten hard, it went soft after that. The drake had a major qualm to deal with at that very moment: Rarity or Ember. Ember knew him deeply enough, making for a decent life-long bangable therapist, though Rarity was a pony classy pony, so that was already enough of a turn on for him.
But before any nirvana could be reached, the mating was interrupted by a lavender unicorn (it just won't give up will it?) wielding a sonic screwdriver. Before either mate could complain or make it a threesome, the screwdriver flashed (not the dirty way) at both of their shackles, and a few moments and odd sounds later, they fell to the floor.
The two dragons were no longer slaves and would come to write a book on the harrowing experience.
"Twilight, what are you—"
"Spike, I've stolen an egg, and now we need to make a great escape." Twilight then looked at the female dragon. "I've also killed your mother, or, if she's still alive, will perish the moment we make our escape. You can either thank us for your freedom and come to Ponyville to bang Spike later, or swear eternal revenge, in which case, we totally don't live in Ponyville."
"Hmm." Ember thought, claw-finger-digits things supporting her chin. "My sister will a hundred percent hunt you down, so I'll go with freedom." She placed the claw on her chin to her hip. "Besides, I have mommy issues anyway."
"Trust me," Twilight said, "you're not the only one." And, with that, she took Spike by the claw and made their great escape. Ember waved to her fading love interest. "See you in the sequel that's never happening, Spike!"
He did not reply.
The duo dashed through the streets, an army of weird spider thing and stuff like that chasing them. They had been ordered by the queen to kill the pair on site, to retrieve the stillborn egg, and to make a feast out of their remains.
Twilight held the egg in her right forehoof, strafing left and right to avoid the bolts of magic and shots of electric being fired at her and Spike. After some neat chase scene moments and maybe a fight scene, they made it back to the hovercraft, but Twilight tripped and smashed the egg.
"Ha!" the burned queen laughed, in case you didn't see the 'ha!'. "Now that the egg has been shattered, her whole trip was in vain. Better yet, I have this other egg, which has a chance of being a male, which means I may still come out of this as the victor."
Out from the yellow shards of egg, a baby dragon flushed with the slimy green liquid. Twilight had never been gladder to see a dead dragon.
"What, impossible!"
"What's impossible, ma'am?" the guard in the same chamber of the queen said. "The amount of screen breaks or the author's insistence of making a note of the screen breaks with a character, who's was born, had a childhood, went to school, fell in love and broken up, trained extremely hard to make it into the guard, has been rendered just as this drone to make you aware of the screen breaks, who will then die in the following explosion?"
"Not that you nit-wit," the queen replied, getting up from her bed and looking to the second egg. "There should have been nothing left of that stillborn egg, yet there was a baby dragon instead. That makes no sense, unless this egg."
The queen noticed that his egg was red.
"Oh."
She also noticed that this egg was on a timer.
"Ohh."
With one second to go.
"Ohh—"
BOOM!
The six-foot dragon and unicorn got into their seats, still under heavy gunfire, but managed a take off into the stars in ten seconds flat. Realizing that it was no longer two-thousand-and-ten, the author felt terrible about that comparison, and moved our heroes to landing back on their home planet.
"Are you okay, Twilight?" Spike asked the mare just as the craft touched down for the second time that day. "I know these trips are usually to satisfy your self-interest, so to have the egg break on you makes this trip was a failure in your book. But if it helps, I learned a lot and became so much more than when this story began, so I had decent character development because of you."
Twilight merely hopped out of the car, the drake quickly doing the same and following her to the remains of their home. Taking out a gun from her mane, Twilight zapped the ash and reverted back to wood, the home become just like it were at the start, only without the flames.
She then stepped into the kitchen, took out a pan, lit up the stove, took out a green egg from her mane, cracked it, and deposited the yolk into the pan. Twilight smiled at the dragon from over her shoulder. "Don't be silly, Spike. I took both eggs—the stillborn in my mane and the other in my hoof. I didn't trip by accident; I did it on purpose."
The eggs were done. She deposited onto a plate, then took a seat at the kitchen table.
"Are you telling me that this whole trip was just for you to make dragon eggs?!"
Twilight took a bite and felt bliss. "Mmmm. Don't knock it till you try it."
Spike merely rolled his eyes.
"But yeah, the reason I set you on fire was to make you perfectly clean for that mate of yours." Twilight took another bite. Bliss yet again. "But, hey no reason for that to go to waste, am I right?"
Just then, there was a knock at the door, and Spike went to answer it. It was Rarity, and the moment she saw his new physique, she swooned and wanted him. Spike had finally acquired his crush of so many years, Twilight made good on her promise and enjoyed her dragon eggs, and then Ember came into the picture. There was that awkward moment when Ember and Rarity figured out who each other was and what they wanted, before they both glared at Spike, and demanded Spike choose which one he liked more then and there.
Everything exploded, and everyone died, rendering any and all development pointless—much like life itself.
The end.
