Prologue
I had a supper with two friends who are quite kind and generous. Both mares and both with very attractive flanks, to be honest. Nothing stated about their marks because it’s simply a formality to know them these days.
It was just one more night of wealthy friends mingling together, however this time we were at White Snow’s cottage outside town by the lake. Not the only cottage, mind you, but certainly one that blends in like the others, especially at night. And this night was unlike any other I’d had my entire life and wouldn’t experience again, or so I hoped.
Chapter 1
Ouch!
“Would you care for s’more wine, Mousie?” Star asked me to which I nodded and held my glass to her with my magic. She poured me a glass that was more than enough to fill my belly and she just kept the salt coming! I was actually having a good time with the stiffs, if you can believe that.
“Thank you, Pond. Say Melody, why don’t you take a minute to join us? It’s supposed to be a time to relax and you’re still going on with your writing and budgets.”
“Mousie,” she whines, “I have to finish this or I’ll never get it done.”
“Just be a dear and hurry, I’m going to drink our friend here out of house and home at this rate and I’d prefer if you were to join us before I lapse into sleep,” I mused. The sound of her pencil clattering to the table and hooves on the carpet was pleasant to me. “Glad you could join us! Have a glass and tell me about your day.”
Pond poured a glass for Melody and we all took a seat around the fire to enjoy each other’s company. After a time of small talk we turned to business and, foolishly on my part, money. Being inebriated I divulged my current net worth and the place where I keep my money hidden at my home.
Barely able to control myself while we shared stories of vacations and lovers it happened to come out that I kept nearly twenty-thousand bits under my bed of all places, but that’s something I’ll come back to.
I was nearly ready to call it a night when Melody excused herself. I was sobering up quickly and had used the bathroom, preparing to leave when I felt the floor meet my chin quicker than I’d ever experienced before. My ear itched and I thought about how funny it was that I’d tripped over myself trying to get to it, until I felt a pain like no other at the back of my head and a ringing in my ears.
I felt my forelegs pulled and I could tell I was being dragged but I didn’t know where. At first I thought it was because I might’ve passed out or something and was in the throws of a blackout where I’d wake up in several hours in bed and a hangover to end drinking for a week at least.
“Melody, you were supposed to make it look like he tripped down the stairs! Why’d you hit him in the head, you dolt?!”
“Well excuse me for not having magic. If I knew he was gonna go this way I’d have led him that way to the stairs but he didn’t and now here we are.”
I had no idea what Pond was going on about but I did notice that I was dropped and bit my tongue pretty good and it hurt. I was worried I’d worry them when I got up or made noise but when I tried I noticed that not a sound left me.
“You killed him with a bust of Celestia, my favorite statue of Celestia?!”
That was when I started to worry.
“It was all I could grab at the time, you said to do it when he left the room!”
“I said wait until he was leaving the house! The flight of stairs was a perfect excuse, how’d you think the bathroom was a good place to hit him?!”
“I can’t read lips! I thought you said-”
They kept arguing over me and through my eyes I could still see. My ears could still hear. And boy could I still feel the trob on the back of my head and tip of my tongue. Surreal is a word that’d fit nicely.
“-otta move him to the stairs and see if a fall will still at least look like it worked. Carry him, I’ll get the area ready.”
“Why can’t you carry him? He’s all, dead.”
I could see Melody’s legs stop and her tail swish as she stood over me and the scent of her nature covered me. A moment I would’ve leapt at a few minutes ago under different circumstances.
“No spell he’s ‘all dead,’ maybe you should’ve tripped him down the stairs like I planned this wouldn’t be an issue! Now move your feathers and get him over here, now!”
I had to admit that Pond is certainly more assertive right now than I’d ever seen her before.
“Fine,” Melody grumbled then kept on at a lower volume with her displeasure with having to carry me. She picked me up and dropped me again on my side. “Ew! Gross, gross, gross! Pond! He’s… out!”
“He’s not out yet, you dolt, I’m not even to the door.”
“No, Pond, I mean it’s out! It’s gonna touch me if I pick him up,” she tapped away on her hoof tips and I heard Pond stomp over.
I saw her glaring at me and then look across my body when she broke into a grin. “You mean that little thing is what’s freaking you out? It’s not even half way out and he’s not gonna be using it anytime soon, so buck up and bring him,” Pond told her with a smile and then I saw her trot away, back to the back door.
I heard a lot of hesitant steps and whimpering, then a moment of silence after she walked away behind me. I was a bit worried about what she was gonna do until I felt something drape over my back half and after some motion it was wrapped around me. Then I was scooped up onto Melody’s back and her wings held me a bit at balance.
I heard a peal of laughter when Pond came into view. “You wrapped him in a towel?!”
“I didn’t want it touching me! It’s bad enough he’s not that attractive, but to have… it rubbing on my back-”
Pond fell over laughing and I saw her tail and hindlegs kicking. I don’t see what the big deal is, I’ve got a couple foals out there from estrus season and no complaints!
“Get up and let’s do this! I need those bits and so do you. Seventy-eighteen split, that’s what we agreed to and I need that eighteen percent.”
Pond recovered and mumbled, “And there’s the reason you’re broke.”
“Whatever! Let’s just throw him and I’ll get to his house and bits you call the guard and cover this up!” Melody shouted as she stomped to the door that opened with Pond’s magic. I saw the unicorn gesture and I was taken from the warm comfort of the cottage to the chilly outside air where I was unceremoniously throw from her back and down no less than twenty hardwood steps rolling over myself and I even managed to get stuck halfway where I got a swift kick to get me going again.
I heard Pond curse again, and it wasn’t until I was sore and really wishing I couldn’t feel anything right then when I heard Pond scolding Melody beside me and pointing to an apparent shoe print in my side.
I chuckled to myself at that, knowing their plan was as good as over now that all that had happened. They’d have to drop me someplace and I’d get a proper burial and hopefully I wouldn’t have to experience everything that went along with being in the ground.
If I knew that this is what death was like I really would’ve done more in my life…
I listened as they mumbled to each other and finally faced me and tried closing my eyes, much to my luck they weren’t closing and Pond’s magic wasn’t even that forceful, I guess touching a dead pony without touching was still a bit much for these two.
“Okay, fly him up to the clouds and drop him. It’ll totally work.”
“What?!” Melody yelped. “I’m not taking a dead horny stallion into the clouds,” she hissed, “and what’s the excuse when he splats?! Why was he up there, smarty-pants? Who’s he gonna look for?”
Pond frowned and looked at me again. “Burn him in his carriage, then.”
“The one we made a scene about taking here? That one?”
Pond turned and looked at Melody with a bit of rage. “What’s your idea then?! We can’t have a dead stallion with a shoe print that fits your hoof and a broken neck with an imprint of Celestia’s face it and I still can’t believe you used my bust!” she went from talking to shouting loud enough to echo across the lake.
Melody placed a hoof over Pond’s mouth and shushed her only to have her hoof yanked into the air with magic.
“Don’t shush me! This was supposed to be easy and you had to buck it all up with your… rashness!”
Melody used a wing to scoop me up and I rolled onto her back backwards with my belly and… Little Mouse Catcher up for the world to see. It was really uncomfortable bending that way and I respected ballerinas and acrobats all the more. “I’ll take him up and drop him in the lake. We’ll say he was walking home and that was the last we saw of him. How’s that?”
“Perfect, now go do this thing before we get caught.”
I was in the air and barely on the mare as she hovered. “Who’d catch us? We’re in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the-” she fell silent and landed, dropping me to the ground and bucking me under the stairs into the shadows. I felt and heard a crack that sent a flash of light into my vision and even though it was short lived, the pain was excruciating.
“What’d you do that for?!”
“Guard patrol,” Melody said in a hushed voice. “They’ll see anything not in the shadows and report it. We’ve gotta stay hidden until they pass.”
“Why now? Drat! Of all the crummy times for them to actually do their job it had to be tonight? What’re they doing, Melody?”
“Just, hovering there! No, nononono… they’ve got a cloud and are settling over the lake! I can’t fly with them there, Pond! What’re we gonna do?”
“First, we take him into the cottage and downstairs, then we figure this out the right way. We’re smart and you’ve got experience with this, right?”
There was a silence before Melody picked me up and dragged me onto her back and upstairs into the warmth again. It was nice until a door creaked open and I was again tossed down a flight of stairs into the dark, and I hit every stair on the way down, trust me. There was a point where I couldn’t feel below my right foreleg and was terrified and thankful of that, except that I couldn’t feel my leg!
“What the flipping spell is wrong with you?! Why’d you throw him down the stairs when he was already busted up?! Is he any more damaged? Get outta my way,” Pond shouted as she descended quickly. Melody started grumbling but it fell aside as I was rolled away from the base of the stairs. “Oh no! Buck me with a scroll this’ awful! Melody, you stupid ditz, you broke his legs!
“This just keeps getting worse and worse… I don’t believe this, we’re… we’re terrible ponies,” she said in resignation. “We might have asked him and he might have said yes to a loan…”
Melody landed hard opposite me and I could feel her presence and it wasn’t pleasant. “Pond Leaf, grow up and face the cheesecake. We’re broke. We’re in love-”
I took notice of that part and started connecting dots.
“-and now we’re murderers. We’ll be lucky to get hard labor in the gem mines if they find out! He’s plucked and no getting around it, we have to clean up the mess he’s making and get rid of his body, do you hear me?”
“Y-yeah. W-what’s the plan, then? You’ve done this before, so can you please tell me what you did last time,” there was a whimper and silence.
“Look, I never actually did the stuff I said. I didn’t think we’d get this far, okay?!”
Silence that seemed to last a minute was broken with a flash of magic, a yelp, a crash. “What the spell are you talking about?! You bucking told me you killed a pony before and covered it up!”
Melody wheezed. “I read it in a book by Silent Night and wanted to impress you, I didn’t really think-”
“Damn right you didn’t think! For Celestia’s sake we’re going to spend a decade in Tartarus for this before we get hard labor! All because you wanted to impress me?”
“Well it worked,” Melody whimpered.
“Damn right it did, right until you broke this poor stallion’s… everything. Wait, ugh!” she scampered into my view and looked at me. “His ribs are broken, too. Where you bucked him under the stairs! There’s two more shoe prints over the broken ribs… Melody, why’re you so rough to him?”
“I don’t mean to be, it’s just happening! Look, we’ve bucked up already, let’s just dig a hole down here and bury him. He went walking home and vanished, happens!”
“I am not having a dead pony haunting my cottage,” Pond said flatly.
“Like you care! You were okay with murder but not about his ghost? Oooo, I’m gonna haunt you. OoooOOo.”
“Stop that! You’re like a foal sometimes. Look, I have… and idea but it only works one way.”
“Oh? What’s your new idea?”
There was a moment where Pond looked away from Melody I saw hurt in her eyes. I didn’t know what she was planning at first but the gears were turning faster now that the pain in my limbs was gone.
“I’m sorry, Melody,” was what she said as her horn shone brightly enough to hurt my eternally open eyes, but I saw her grab Melody by the neck and the sight of what looked like a rope indention tight around her neck. “It’s the only way and you’re all over him. One of us needs the bits at least-”
A gust of wind tossed Pond out of my view and Melody fell to her belly, coughing, gasping for air. “You… me?” her eyes teared up. “But, our love?”
Another flash of light. “This is Canterlot! Money is all that matters, and if you don’t have it, you don’t have anything,” Pond stated as she held Melody in the air, her mouth and nostrils closed no matter how much she struggled. “I liked you, but you’re too stupid and poor to be with me. I’ll kill you and say you killed him and came after me and I had to suffocate you in self defense, they’ll believe it! Crazy preener attacks a mud pony over something stupid and the winner attacks the wealthy and helpless looking unicorn. I’ll write a book about it, too!”
She actually cackled. Like a mad mare after a cliche monologue she cackled. If I could have rolled my eyes I would have rolled them out of my head at that.
I did have a good view for when Melody freed a wing during the monologue and gripped an old lantern that was once used for camping, I guess, and flung it at Pond with enough force to break it into metal and glass pieces across her face and end the spell, again.
Melody, again, fell to the floor and gasped for air as her eyes and face returned to their natural color as Pond screamed and foolishly pawed at her face pushing the debris deeper and making her press more. Blood slowly dripped to the floor from the beautiful unicorn while the pegasus coughed and glared death at her one time lover.
With a flap and gust of wind dust swirled around the room almost blindingly and anything light enough was taken into her draft as she swung and struck a mighty blow worthy of any action movie to the stunned unicorn’s face and sending her to the floor with a noise that even I felt. It had to have broken a bone and a few molars! I’d have to pay to watch action like this!
Melody came down hard and just missed Pond’s head by a hoof because the unicorn used a spell that pushed her body a few hooves back and she rolled to her hooves. The dust and debris was awful and there were brown and black specks all over the mares, like dust bunnies sticking to a cloth.
“You aren’t gonna flap your way outta this.”
“Like heck I’m not, spiral head!”
If I could have gasped, I would have. Pond did that enough for the both of us. One of the most hurtful things to call a unicorn and she went there. This was gonna be a good fight, or so I thought.
They both took a combat stance and moved to attack each other, exchanging blows, a spell for a wing slap, and then they both yelped and staggered around.
They looked at each other with hate and just that look mares get when they’re done playing, then yelped again and again. They averted their gaze to their own bodies and began to freak out like a first timer using too much Special K mix.
I didn’t get it at first, what they were doing. Maybe they had some secret mare fighting technique or were psyching each other out… then I saw the spots on them moving. Certainly not dust, they were spiders! Venomous ones, too.
The mares fell to their knees and with magic out of the question and Melody’s wings lying limply on the ground, they both began to struggle over me and up the stairs. Melody was the first to slip and tumble onto me where she was bit a lot more, as told from her whinney.
Pond’s tumble down the stairs ended with a crack and I imagine she met the same fate as me, only with more spider bites.
For the record, also, I did receive a few bites and the areas are stinging like the dickens. So, I imagine the mares are possible stuck like I am, aware of their failure and living torture in their death.
So, there we have it. I’m having a three-way with two mares in the basement of a cottage, only it’s not the way I secretly hoped it’d be going when we set out earlier this evening, but I have to say that overall it’s ending with me satisfied at the end results.
Now, if only I could scratch my ear!
What happened? Why did it happen? Where am I? How long will I be here?
Questions I asked myself over and over and over in a spiral of thought as I felt my magic draining from my body. It was surreal to say the least that I was in a tunnel surrounded by screens that showed my life accomplishments to date as I floated past them. I saw my fillyhood crush. My marefriends and stallionfriends as the years passed.
Then I saw yesterday, when I was playing with my little prince, Iron Heart, in the rain. That was when I started feeling a draining happening to my magic and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like this. I didn’t like where I was and what might have been happening to me.
I’d read Princess Twilight’s book on her ascension and even tried a few spells to see if I could become a princess, too, but like so many others I just got on with my life. This hallways of sorts was akin to what she experienced, I guess. But I felt tired, not inspired. I felt as though I could just lay my head on my hooves and let my horn go, my magic go, my problems go, and it’d be okay.
But, no. I couldn’t let it all go! I needed to keep my little prince safe from the harsh world. I need to keep my herd fed with my job and part of the income. I need to teach my little prince how to use magic so when he grows up he can take care of his own family.
I started to stymie the flow of magic that was leaving me and when that didn’t work well enough I went into a ritualistic meditation I was taught when I was a filly, before Princess Luna returned, to help with my nightmares. I imagined a flow of water through a funnel, and with focus I could make that water do all sorts of things.
I imagined my magic was the water and when I couldn’t just stop it I changed its color, twisted it, froze it, vaporized it, had it form fun shapes and somewhere along the way I’d stopped focusing on stopping the flow and went back to being a filly and just playing with the water. After I can’t even guess how long I stopped everything and was in complete darkness.
I sat up and bonked my muzzle into something and reacted by pulling my head back and bonking the back of my head on the floor, so I lifted my head and bonked my muzzle and then fell back down and bonked the back of my head so I sat up and … by the time I stopped by turning my head I felt embarrassed and ashamed I’d just gotten stuck in a booping loop with my enclosure.
I lifted a foreleg to prod myself and was met with instant resistance and the sound of wood. I listened and felt as I lifted my foreleg and bumped into the wood again and again, tapping it in different places. I moved my back and hind legs, more wood there too. It dawned on my quickly that I might be in trouble. I began shouting but my voice was little hoarse.
I’ll be here all millenium! Tickets at the door...
Anyway, my voice was quiet, too much to be heard for more than a few hooves away under the best circumstances, much less inside what could have very well been a coffin, my coffin.
The thought sent me into a blind panic and I thrashed violently for what could have been an hour or three minutes before I calmed down and began using my weak blasting spell I used for play or cleaning carpets. Time has no meaning when you’re alone in the dark in a panic, but when I focused on my magic I could count the seconds between pushes and it was about eight seconds at the beginning and thirty seconds by the time I felt drained. I’d managed to crack the top of the box above my head, surely a leg length would reach me out and I’d scare some silly lovers out for a secluded date, like in the movies.
I coughed some, clearing my airway and took note that I was quite thirsty and would have to have a long talk with whoever put me into this coffin without checking if I was alive! I felt my energy surge and began casting again, this time I focused the force into a cone shape instead of a circle and instant results!
My head was covered with dirt. I had only one option and that was to wiggle like a worm until I got out enough while casting my force spell around me and above me so I could move because I wasn’t a worm and needed leverage.
Inch by inch I made my way and once I got my forelegs beside me I was able to get them above me. With a final cone of force after a rest, I felt cold air on my right leg and braced myself, pulling myself to freedom, finally. I shook my head clear of dirt and spat out a very full mouthful as well.
“Where?” I managed to rasp before I started a controlled cough and felt something slide up my throat. Whatever it was I didn’t wanna see it because ew, am I right?
I spat it away and swallowed dryly as I looked around. Flowers and graves. I scrambled to the nearest bouquet and munched them down, drinking the water in the vase as well before moving several graves over and repeating the task. They were practically tasteless, but I felt better.
I got to my hooves and sang the scale quickly, pleased that I didn’t sound like a whole walnut in the shell was stuck in my throat anymore, and took in my surroundings.
“Late night in a cemetery. Cliche, yes,” I chuckle to myself.
I moved my stiff joints and neck, flexed my back, then found the street to the gate where I could get out of that place. I glanced back at my tombstone and scoffed. “They thought I died and my last quote was ‘Keep the Kettle On’? I don’t even drink hot tea! Or… maybe it’s about my cocoa obsession? I’ll have to clear that up when I get home and ask what the hay’s going on.”
I begin walking the path and reach the gate without any fuss and pass through it because who’d really bar entrance to a cemetery? Nopony’s that heartless to have visiting hours for the dead. It’s then that I take in my surroundings and realize I have no clue where I am. There’s a dirt road going both ways and beyond it I see a drainage ditch and a large road on the other side of it.
“A drainage ditch means I’m not that far from a town. My town, I hope. I know I had a desire to be buried by Apple Valley when I was younger and if they stayed true to tradition then I’ve been ‘dead’ for less than two days and that’s gonna be some story to tell the grandfoals,” I giggled to myself as I turned right and hoped for the best.
An hour later I was fighting the desire to turn around and go the other way when I saw a farmhouse. I felt a tight grin pull at the corners of my mouth and trotted as fast as I could. I’m too stiff to gallop, but once I get rest in a real bed I’ll have time to recover and work the kinks outta my joints.
A single light was on in the den window and a dog barking was all I heard from within the house. As I neared shouting distance from the farmhouse the front door opened and a dog on a leash was led out by a burly earth pony.
“Darn it, Sugar, calm down! What’s gotten into you?! I’m tying you to the porch til you calm-” he noticed me and smiled faintly. “Howdy there, got a upset puppy here. Can we help- quiet ya silly mutt- help ya somehow?”
“I’m just trying to get home, how far is-” he stumbled back and the dog yelped from the sudden tug going right back to barking viciously at me. The frozen look on his face was fear, then a frown.
He got up and swatted the dog’s tail. “Dangit, Nightmare Night’s not fer months, what’s with the getup?” I looked at him and he looked at me, then as I approached he stumbled back and let his dog go.
I screamed and turned to gallop away but couldn’t and turned back to see the dog in the air, fangs and teeth bared as he approached me in slow motion. I couldn’t escape or do anything in that second while I watched him tackle into my hindquarters and take me down. The world blurred as I fell to the side and I felt and heard the thump of my body on the ground, but I didn’t care as I looked back to see the dog biting into me and tugging me away from the house.
I screamed and cast the force spell with as much fear as I could fuel into my magic and I kept screaming as the dog flew away into the darkness beyond the slight halo of light offered by the house. My side had to be in terrible shape and I wanted nothing but help… from anypony but these!
I scrambled to my hooves and looked as the earth pony began to chase after me I pushed harder than I had since I woke up and felt my legs creaking and finally crack, then I had full speed at my disposal. I felt the wind against my fur and the wind in my ears as I got back to the road and kept running until I saw a town approaching.
It was Apple Valley and I wasn’t too happy at the moment. The fact I wasn’t tired or dizzy or noticeably bleeding from being mauled I kept my pace at full gallop, impressed that I wasn’t tired and that I was alive after being freaking mauled by a crazy dog.
If I had rabies and have to undergo a magic purification ritual I’ll find that stallion and buck his testicles into his throat.
I saw a cart being hauled by a very obviously drunk pony ahead of me on the road and I could smell the fumes from a quarter mile but slowed when I got close enough to see his tail. “Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you something?”
He stumbled and motioned for me to catch up to him, when I did however he glanced at me and began trotting faster than me no matter how quickly I tried to keep up. “Sir?!” I shouted as he tumbled over his hooves and the cart kept going until he was under it, the hitch strap broken and useless now.
He whimpered and turned to face me. “Not yet, I have so mush tah do,” he slurred brandy into my face and I had to wince.
“You need sleep before you kill yourself, where do you live and I’ll take you home.”
“Live? Me? Oh, thank ye oh spectre of the end,” he mumbled happily.
“You’re too drunk to walk, I wager. Shall I carry you or have you wait while I send help?” His reply was unintelligible mumbling at expert levels, but he seemed in good spirits so I couldn’t complain. I lifted the cart off him and then lifted him into the cart, where I covered him with some kind of tarp that was stuffed into a corner of the relatively empty space.
He mumbled something and snuggled like a colt into the tart and when I was going to check his pulse after a few tense seconds he snorted loud enough to make me hop back. Knowing he was gonna be fine was a good feeling but he shouldn’t be left alone because he’s still a danger if he wakes up or in danger if he doesn’t.
I turned the wagon around and began to push with my magic. It was actually easier than I expected and before I got into town I had picked up two other stallions and a mare that were passed out beside the road and placed them all in the cart, under the tarp. They looked so cozy I felt guilty for wanting to wake them to find out where the party was since I was coming from nowhere into town.
I turned right and onto a smoother cobblestone street with the cart ahead of me with the goal of depositing the ponies I’d found at least in a public place so they could wake up safe and sound… until I heard a stallion scream like a filly. I looked to my left at a market store, open at whatever late hour it was because Apple Valley is actually a nicely sized city and I was just entering it.
The stallion dropped his bag and flew away screaming loud enough to gather a crowd watching him leave and for the life of me I didn’t know what was with ponies tonight. I was entering the outer residential area and noticed that in the city lights that I was a bit unkempt, just from what I could see.
I stopped and dropped the carts handles and looked myself over. Knees were torn open exposing bone, my coat was now hide with a tear in it where the dog bit me, my tail was about half gone but still nice enough, and I actually noticed that I was, indeed, not as alive as I’d like to have been.
I realized why everything had been so odd and let a simple ‘huh’ escape me as I took the cart again and pushed it into the market’s lot and watched as ponies stared at me from a distance. “What? Do I have something in my eye?” I asked reaching with a hoof and rubbing my eye at the top and feeling it slide out of my eyelid into my frog..
I have kids, I know injuries and the like, and thanks to a medical book all mothers should have I knew that pony eyes are unique that they’re flat like plates and not balls like every other creature ever, but most ponies don’t know that and I just decided that since they were gonna panic I’d give them a reason.
I looked at my now free eye with really good depth perception and watched my former eye as it slowly bent over my hoof like it was melting. It was in a condition that said I had either blindness or cataracs of horrible intensity, thus meaning I shouldn’t have been able to see at all, which just confused me all the more.
I reached back and slid it into my… side so I’d keep it at least and made my way into the city to see if my auntie was home. Maybe she wouldn’t freak out like I expected, maybe she’d accept me and ask me what was going on… maybe she wouldn’t even notice!
I skirted the city in the shadows and alleys, dodging couples out in the night doing what couples were wont to do in dark alleys in the night, scaring a few and sweet Celestia I can’t stand the animals! They freaked out the whole way there, but when I got there, a mere quarter of the way into the city, I guess, I knocked on the door and I did not see auntie.
“Woah, are you, like, alright?”
I facehoofed. “Hi cousin Tree Hugger, can I come in?”
“Like, totally! I sense your chakra is all messed up, you need some herbs to balance out?”
I stepped in and wiped my hooves. “No, I’ll be fine. Not very hungry since I woke up and I just wanna get home. Do you know where auntie is?”
“Your aura is really weak, have you tried meditating on what’s bothering you… Oh,” she blinked through the haze in her head, “yeah, she’s all sad because you… died,” her eyes widened, “did you bring a message from the next world to share with us?”
When she gets like this all one can do is indulge her. “No, cousin, but I do need to return to my home to rest in peace, close the doors to my… etherial home and to those i’m bonded to.”
She snickered. “Far out. I’m gonna get some hay, got some in from the far west, mare. You gotta try it, it’ll balance your… everything. I’ve got a groovy mantra to go with it and it just,” she turned away at a sloth speed and made a sound effect, “psh! Blow your mind. Auntie’s got a lot with her for her trip ta,” she walked with measured steps and like always I was just itching to pick her up in my magic and carry her, but that’s ‘rude’ and ‘not lady like’.
“That sounds great, but I’m actually not interested in whatever you’re offering me so do you have a cloak or something I can use until I get back to my home so I can mantra my chakra back into my astral alignment?”
She stopped and rocked forward, looked back at me with that smile and snickered again. “Far out… you came by like a minute after I had some of this awesome hay I got from-”
Oh, sweet Celestia, give me strength… I’ve got to have the weirdest family in the land.
“That sounds great, Tree Hugger! Why not go and have more while I raid the closets for… uh, herbal remedies that’ll help the hay mix our, aura’s together!”
I don’t know what I said but the surprised expression from her was as interesting as what she said next. “Woah, I’m down to pound but I don’t dip the chip. Not right away, at least,” she snorted a laugh and returned to an actual walking pace to the hallway and into the end of the hall with her head and a laugh before she found her room.
The smoke rolling out of the freshly opened door was enough reason for me to not follow her, but the music and voices that came out with it told me there was a party going on that I wanted no part of.
Sure, all that’s good and fun, but not when you’ve got something to do and somewhere to be. That’s day off stuff, and from the calendar I glanced at when Cousin Tree Hugger was having a talk it’s been three weeks since I was… interred? Is that the word? Inferred? Immured, is that a word? Hey, I’m not a syllabus, I only know what I know and don’t know what I don’t.
I left the area and went to auntie’s room’s closet and pulled a cloak out that’d cover me completely, plus some sexy socks and halters to hold them up because ponies aren’t made for socks and vice versa. After slipping it all on I left a note apologizing for raiding her closet and date night trunk and for using her chateau de prairie that was imported from Germaney, her toothpaste and toothbrush that I did indeed throw away, her hoof trimmers, brush -that I cleaned out-, and a bit of makeup.
Nothing really worth noting extra was used but I was done by sun-up and out the door with ten bits and the train station on my mind. I did notice the increased guard presence around the area but acted as aloof as I could. It was a beautiful day, afterall, and I was going to enjoy it to the best of my ability.
I just really wish I knew I couldn’t smell at the time because I’d gotten powder in my nose and without actually breathing it didn’t become dislodged or, ya know, because I didn’t breathe I didn’t smell myself. But others did, and kept a wide berth from me as I passed through the city. A pair of guards commented that I smelled like I was carrying roadkill skunk, to which I did take offense, but I wasn’t going to lower my hood and confront them looking like I did.
I mean I wasn’t a leather mask by any means! Like in those movies where evil creatures wear a pony’s… skin. Euck. But I had lost a fair bit of weight and an eye, so it would’ve been obvious that I was the pony playing zombie they were looking for.
I bought my ticket and realized I wasn’t hungry at all, so I paid it forward and bought another pony their ticket, too.
They wanted to thank me with lunch but I had to object as politely as I could, and I made it a point to be quiet and exude an air of grumpiness so nopony would wanna talk to me… but overall it went great!
Until I got in the train and was booted for the ‘smelly whatever’ I was carrying. Ponies tried to make me an offer but I knew what I was gonna have to do so I galloped ahead of the train and just kept going all out, even when the train caught up and blew its horn I stayed on the tracks. If I couldn’t ride then they’d have to suffer, too.
Hey, I didn’t slow them down that much. I was plenty fast for an undead unicorn with unlimited endurance and probably only slowed ‘em down a few minutes. I passed the station to the awe of several ponies on the platform and kept going looking a little ways ahead of me to keep the hood down, unless a gust of wind said otherwise. Poor deer, looked like she saw a ghost… actually thinking about it…
I managed to outpace the train and take a fork in the tracks to my home town which was only about a day’s gallop ahead of me, so I just kept at it and thought of whatever crossed my mind. I passed a few other stations and had to get off the tracks when an oncoming train made itself known with a whistle blow seconds before I’d have seen how tough I was.
Hint, I think the train would’ve won by a slight margin.
I finally got back to my home town around sunset and went straight to my home where they were having a wake. Yeah, weeks after I’d supposedly passed they were still in mourning. Traditionalists, I can’t stand all that but whatever, it’s the ‘unicorn way’ to mourn a passing for a month so let them have it.
I had more important things to do. I pulled the ladder from the ground where Big Pun left it and never put it away because ‘he might need it’ and used it to climb onto the roof where I went to the chimney and moaned down it.
“Did you hear that?” a mare said loud enough for me to hear.
“I, am not, ready,” I moaned slowly and loudly as I focused and cast a low level illusion spell that made it look like I was ‘not there’ that works great for hide and seek.
Where there was at least some basic background noise before it was deathly silent now from the chimney. “I, shall not, pass,” I moaned slowly and to be honest I felt I went a little too erotic on the last moan after ‘pass’.
A group of pegasi flew over the house and went back inside.
“He-hello?” a voice called up. I had to grin at Pun’s voice, having not heard it for a couple days myself.
I howled a series of low tones. “Pun, my love. Why have you, moved on?”
“B-but, Sweetie, I haven’t… It’s been… Oh, my darling,” I heard him sniffle, “please, pass on. Don’t linger for us, we love you and are ready for you to be at peace.”
Well, that sure killed the fun…
“I can not pass until the offering has been made,” I called down a little too quick.
Honestly I had no idea what I was going for since I just started to wing it. Speaking of which another group of pegasi flew over to check for me.
“What’s the offering? Do we have to light a fire in the fireplace?”
I deadpanned the darkness. “Seriously, Pun? You think a fire’s gonna do anything good? Where do you think I’ll end up sent on by fire? Not a sunny beach in France, for sure.”
He chuckled. “I missed your humor, maybe you can stay and haunt us a few nights a week?”
“Maybe I can haunt the bathroom to help you not be in there for an hour a day.”
The laughter coming up from the ponies in the house was warm.
“Maybe you can! I’ve been a bit plugged up and a meal of yours would certainly clean me out.”
“You love my meals! You know because you sneak snacks when you think I’m asleep.”
“Can’t prove it!” he retorted.
“Can so!”
“Can not!”
“That’s it, I’m haunting the toilet!”
My children screamed and I snorted a laugh.
“Great job, now we’re back to diapers! I hope you’re happy.”
“I am, I don’t have to change them,” I shouted back and listened to the silence.
“Touche, so I’m gonna start a fire going and-”
“No! I mean, why rush? You know what, I’m just gonna make a ghostly appearance, okay?”
“Sure, you do that. Kids, can you get a log or six for the fireplace?” I frowned at the chimney. He was really gonna send me to Tartarus? “Ouch! Plant Hugger, why’d you do that?!”
I knew auntie would support me.
“Don’t waste good logs on her, get the pallet boards, kids.”
Darn them all! Ganging up on my spirit like that. That did it. I scampered loudly across the roof and down the ladder, to the back door, and walked in, tossed back my hood, and smirked. “So, that’s how you feel, huh?”
The room of twelve ponies was deathly silent until a few seconds passed and all three of my children tackled me crying their love onto me. It was a great moment.
“Ew, mommy you stink!” one shouted and they all scrambled off me and I got up letting them look me over. “Mommy, you don’t look healthy… eat some more food,” my littlest filly said honestly. I laughed and a couple ponies chuckled awkwardly as they backed up.
“Honestly, I’m here and alive, can’t you be happy to see me?”
Silence.
“Fine, how about a group hug?” I grinned and lit my horn, gathering the adults in the group together they panicked and tried to scatter but my magic seemed to be enough to hold them until they stopped. “Look, I don’t know what happened but, well I kinda do, but I’m not gonna go all nom nom on you! Chillax!” I said then barked. Yeah, barked. It’s random, like life.
A couple foals laughed and galloped to me and started to play ‘dog’ around and under me. I lowered the adults who stayed bunched and I ignored them to play with the pups around me, yipping and lowering myself, jumping around and then I chased them outside. My socks, or rather auntie’s, were shredded from hoof to below my knees from my run, but it kept my exposed joints covered as I played.
Adults watched me play and finally warmed up to me, starting by calling me over. I excused myself from the children’s game and began to answer their uneasy questions that quickly became easier and more animated until they exhausted all twenty -give or take- and offered me something to eat.
I laughed. “I haven’t eaten or slept since I woke up yesterday, but I kinda… Borrowed a few things from Auntie, you’re not mad, are you?”
We met each other’s gazes and she smirked. “You owe me about fifty bits.”
“Meh, I’ll make that easy being the first real zombie to write a book about all this,” I said nonchalantly inspecting my hoof.
They finally laughed and offered my hugs and what little I could feel was really nice, but what really warmed me was the feeling of being accepted, even as a living corpse. Family and friends really will love, regardless.
I sat and looked around the glowing orange-red interior of the kiln I was in then looked at my hoof and my eyes trailed up my skeleton to my chest where a grey glow resided and spread out across my body from the necromantic spell I’d cast during my resurrection. I was the first to experience necromancy in over seven hundred years since it was banned.
I was interrogated, spells were cast on me that disrupted but never disenchanted the life spell on me. I learned a few spells to help me communicate like a ventriloquist spell to speak and Princess Luna herself taught me to create flexible bones so I could pull pranks when I’m wearing my pony body illusion.
Now, here I wait for the spells, mixtures, batters, potions… whatever they made and coated my bones with since I decayed to a point where I freaked myself out and just tore off my remaining remains so I could have a nearly indestructible skeleton to go along with my immortality. I may not be an alicorn but I’ve got a long life ahead of me and I’ve gotten several therapists lined up to help me cope with when I begin to out live -ha- everypony around me.
I laid down and recalled the experience of inhaling a deep breath. “Here’s to eternity.”
