Stray Thoughts and Small Firesby Tale SwapperChaptersAMT: The Life and Times of Esmerelda Smith (Part 1)AMT: By the BookASC: You Don't Have to be Mad to be Hired Here...ASC: ...and if you can find them...AMT: The Life and Times of Esmerelda Smith (Part 1)It had been meticulously planned. Twilight (unknowingly, but that was fine. This was for family, after all) had provided her with the schedule of Sunset's classes. Luna had agreed to handle her duties for the day, in exchange for "considerations" rendered later. (Celestia was very worried about what those considerations might be. Luna's grin had been vicious.) She'd even dug out her old disguise to sneak into Friendship Castle, and brought enough gemstones to bribe Spike into handing over one of Twilight's information booklets and opening the gate. From there, it only took stepping through the portal. Sunset would be looked after. Celestia would make sure of it. She would not make the same mistake again. Granny Smith looked up from her book, listening to the firm knocking at the door. Pulling herself to her feet, Granny moved into the front hall, then glanced up at the bubble glass which occupied the space above the door frame. Granny had never held with fancy "peephole cameras", but she was still waiting for Sunset or Applejack to figure out that the distortions of the old glass reflected near-perfectly the identity of the visitors which stood at the front door. Granny had had it installed specially: in her old line of work, it was always a good idea to know who was waiting on the other side of an unopened door, long before you reached it. Granted, if someone really wanted you dead, it wasn't too difficult, but it was far better to send anyone with an unpleasant message back with a different one. Don't mess with Granny. Still, she was rather surprised at what she saw. There was only one woman she knew with tri-colored hair reflecting in the colors of the dawn was Celestia. And she never wore poofy dresses like that. Hell, the woman looked like something out of a- storybook. Hmm. Well, we knew this was coming. Granny growled under her breath. Gangsters would be easier. She could shoot gangsters. Family, on the other hand... Celestia watched the door with a guarded expression. This world had changed much more than Equestria had in the last two centuries. For one, she could have sworn the portal had emerged from a wooden ring, two trees whose branches had interwoven above a shelf of white stone. Twilight's description the technology of this world hadn't quite done it justice; the more Celestia saw, the more she'd seen that Equestria couldn't hold a candle to the technological development of this one. Four hundred years ago, I would have bet every bit in the treasury that a war would have resulted in ponies triumphant. Now, if it came to fighting, I think we'd be lucky to emerge at a draw. Magic could do many things, but it was limited by the reserves of the caster and their own bodies; Celestia herself might be able to drop sunfire on an army, but it would leave her exhausted and spent to do so. Better by far to treaty and barter. Diplomacy is far more effective than force of arms. Drawing herself back to the present, she steadier herself as she heard a bolt turn in the door. The door swung open to reveal a weathered face- at once familiar and strange. Orange eyes gazed up at her, mud and blood splattered over green hooves. Worn wooden armor, studded with iron rivets was scarred and patched, pierced with griffin-made arrows. Still the young sergeant saluted, gazing up at her commander in chief. For on the battlefield, titles like "princess" meant nothing at all. Granny Smith spoke. "So. You're Princess Celestia. right?" Celestia blinked. The slight sarcastic edge she was familiar with, but she'd rarely heard it used at her; only Sunset (one, before her disappearance) and Luna (often, especially concerning cake) had ever dared. Celestia brought in a breath. "Indeed. I need to speak to you about-" Granny cut her off. "Lady, Ah think you need to start over." She raised an eyebrow. "Ah know why you're here- or at least, Ah have a reasonable suspicion. And you don't need anything." Celestia flinched. For a moment, she felt indignant outrage flood through her- until she realized how she must look. A strange woman shows up at her door, demands to talk to her. No introductions, no manners. Thinking back over her interactions over the past few days, she shuddered internally. Family always did bring out the worst in me. I seem to be falling back into bad habits. Gathering herself, Celestia started over. "I do need something, Ms. Smith. But I know I cannot demand it." Looking at Granny, she allowed a note of contrition to enter her voice. "May I come in, Ms. Smith? I'd like to speak to- no, with you, for a while. About Sunset." Granny humphed. "And if I say no?" Celestia drew up short. "I- what?" "I can guess why you're here." Granny snorted. "Ah got a message from Ms. Sparkle a few weeks back, talkin' about how you'd been pokin' around her lab, makin' noises about comin' here. Principal Celestia- mah friend- let me know when you traded her some coins for a phone call and some cash earlier today." She raised an eyebrow. "You came here to look into how Sunset's doin', see how she is. Seems a little late for that, ya know." Celestia gulped as Granny continued. "Sunset told us about what happened, why she left your world. She messed up, I know- but you had plenty of time after that whole shebang with the crown to take her back. You didn't." She shook her head. "Ah hear you run a fine country on the other side of the portal. Seems like your family needs some work, though." Celestia's mouth fumbled for a moment, then closed. She pulled in a deep breath, then sighed. "I've always had issues with my personal relationships, Ms. Smith. More so then you know." Softly, she continued. "I've failed those close to me many times. It comes from being used to dealing with people at a distance." "Which is why you haven't gone to talk to Sunset yourself." Granny studied Celestia for a moment, then shook her head. "You shoulda brought her home, yah know. When you found out how far she'd fallen. It's what family does." Turning, she swung the door open a little wider. "Still, you're here now- and I do wanna talk. But-" she said, turning her glare on Celestia. "You ain't gonna chat with me then leave. If you come in, you're here until Sunset gets home, understand?" Celestia hesitated at the threshold. "What- I mean-" "Sunset's scared and torn, woman. I can't tell why, but whenever she talks about you, it's like she's angry and sorry, apologetic and defiant. She can't make up her mind about you, and she ain't willing to take the first step." Granny huffed. "So. If you want answers, you haveta be the one to talk to her. The fact that you haven't tells me a lot, but that ends today. If you come in, that is." She turned, face stoic and lined. "So, what's it going to be?" Celestia hesitated. For a few moments, she stared inside her soul, until another memory surfaced. Staring at the retreating form of her sister, Celestia felt a sudden urge to follow her. Luna had brushed off her normal greeting, grumbling below her breath. Why was her sister so upset? So she'd had a slow night in court; Celestia didn't get why that would cause her sister such distress... Brushing it off, Celestia turned and continued down the passage. If Luna was really upset, she'd hear about it later. After all, it wasn't as though she wouldn't see her soon... Celestia blinked back the memory, regret heavy in her mind. Looking down, she squared her shoulders, and stepped across the threshold. Author's Note Granny takes no shit. Not when it comes to family, anyway. I've always imagined that Celestia learned her lessons on how to rule and behave from nobleponies of the Platinum family; distance, grace, and composure work well for dealing with subjects. However, those sort of interactions fail miserably when dealing with peers and family; it makes it hard to discus the little things that bother you without it devolving with someone who acts like a Queen all the time. Celestia can talk with ponies at their level, but when stressed or confused falls back on the regal ruler routine; which can backfire horribly. Both Sunset and Luna were victims of this. This will be the first of a five part story; we'll get a little of Sunset's background, but this story is really about Granny. I've got a lot of ideas, and I thought this interaction would be a good way to frame who Esmerelda Smith was, and how she came to be the matriarch of the Apple family. AMT: By the BookSchadenfreude looked up from his desk, glancing at his boss. "So... Bluey, I though you told me that you weren't going to be giving me any more "off the books" paperwork to deal with." Blueblood groaned, massaging his temple. "I wouldn't, but something rather drastic has come up. It turns out my cousins have been keeping an eye on a girl whose origins aren't recorded anywhere, and she's found her way through some trouble. They have exhaustive documentation concerning her middles school and high school careers, but she doesn't have any elementary school data, or any personal information." His subordinate rolled his eyes. "First, I don't know if I can fabricate a backstory for this girl without more details. And I know you won't tell me anything, becuse-" "She's a former magical prodigy from another world, whose face was all over those videos I had Chrissy cover up last year." As Schadenfreude stared at him, he shrugged. "You're right- I can't keep secrets from you anymore. We're reaching the end of what we can do subtly, and we'll soon be managing far worse." Schaden looked at his boss blankly, then allowed his gaze to settle on the files nestled under Blueblood's arm. "Magic? Really? Bluey, I saw the video, but it seems so-" "Insane? Yes, it is, in many ways." Blueblood scowled. "However, from what little Celestia has shared with me, the civilization this girl hails from has enormous amounts of power in individual hands, and little technological development. If someone finds out about this before they're ready, I can see a thousand and one ways for it to end badly. And that's not even going into the fact that the girl in question- Sunset Shimmer- is currently legally vulnerable, with potential powers and intelligence that would make any security analyst wet themselves." "Which way?" Schnadenfreude snarked. "Both, depending on the situation." Blueblood drew in a deep breath. "Granted, I doubt any of them would try anything so overt as to try and kidnap her right now. However, there have been incidences- both magical and non-magical- which have brought her to the attention of the law. If she became a person of interest and another event like that occurred, it would be far too easy for someone to put her in protective custody and isolate her." "Which is why she needs a legal background." Schadenfreude's normally abrasive attitude vanished. "If we do a shoddy job with these fake files, theat would be worse then no protection at all, though." "It's not going to be fake." Blueblood pulled the first file from under his arm. "This is documentation for one Sunset Shimmer, orphaned at age 5, who would later be placed as a ward of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns." Cutting off Schadenfreude's response, he nodded. "Unicorns. Celestia doesn't just run the school in the other world, either." Blueblood stared at Schadenfreude, then shook his head. "You don't need to fabricate anything. I know you; you can be a blatantly obstructive as you need to be to annoy someone. I want all of these files, which have finally been transferred to our care under refugee protocol 52-c, to be added to Sunset's files. I want the truth plainly stated in her documents, then buried behind so many legal protections as to keep them obscured. I want them added to the files by the book." Schadenfreude looked up at his boss and nodded. "That, I can do. But, you mentioned that it's only going to get worse?..." "Sunset's the only immigrant, thank god, but there are more visitors coming and going; and Celestia thinks it's only going to get worse. She's letting me use the Faust files to lean on people if necessary, but we can't do this alone." Schadenfreude's face snapped up. "She's letting you- she must think this is really important." "Yes. Too important for just the two of us. Get ready to share your office, you little wanker; I'm getting the A-team together." Schadenfreude grinned. "The Auditor-Team? Wonderful." Author's Note Wondering what the Faust files are? Noticed my oblique reference to Chrysalis? Looking forward to what's next? There's a lot of machinations behind the scenes. I always do enjoy building backstory. ASC: You Don't Have to be Mad to be Hired Here...Principal Celestia sighed as she looked over the paperwork in front of her. Glancing up, she found herself looking into the golden eyes of her erstwhile janitor, who was whistling softly, causing his clip on tie to lazily dance back and forth. While Celestia was used to Discord's new habit of having inanimate objects dance around him, she really didn't like his new tie. Especially since he somehow attached a clip-on tie to a ratty t-shirt. Celestia glanced down at the paperwork he'd presented to her, and decided for once that her "new hire" script could be scrapped. "Discord, before we begin, I need to discuss how you learned about these... openings." Discord grinned. "Are you implying that I hacked your computer? Evesdropped on your office? Read through your personal files after one of our study sessions?" He shook his head. "I didn't have to. You dropped both the personal letters attached to their resignations into the trash can before you headed home last week. If you want to hide something, don't leave it where the janitor is obligated to dispose of it." Celestia sighed. "And do you dig through everyone's trash?" "Just the people with interesting secrets. You'd be surprised what you can learn through people's garbage. For example, Harshwhinny is a a recovering smoker, Cheerilee has three secret admirers she doesn't appreciate, and someone is using the third floor janitor's closet for trysts." He groaned at that last part. "I swear, they knock over everything whenever they hide in there." Celestia blinked. "I don't want to know how you know about the third one. Regardless, both Dr. Bunsen Burner and Mr. Parabola resigned last week. Both refused to continue working in an institute which-" "Violates the laws of physics on a daily basis." Discord grinned. "I know my... activities haven't helped matters, but they're going to need to go very far away to escape magic, if Ms. Shimmer is at all right, magic is going to spread. They're going to need to toughen up, if they can't even handle my pranks." "True." Celestia sighed. "Most of the faculty are adjusting to the feats our students are capable of. However, Bunsen and Parabola want the world to make sense." "When it really doesn't." Discord leaned back in his chair. "And now, you need a new physics teacher." Celestia groaned. "And you want to fill the position." Discord straightened up in his seat. He stopped drumming his fingers, causing his tie to settle back into position on her throat. With a quick motion, he pulled his plaid jacket off the back of the chair behind him, and pulled it on, buttoning it securely. The transformation was remarkable; although a close look would reveal the wild inconsistencies in Discord's attire, at first glance he might actually pass for respectful. "Well, yes. I taught for five years in grad school, and I have a Ph.D. in Physics-" "And a master's in applied Math; with a focus on chaos theory." Staring at Discord, she groaned. "It's not that I don't trust your credentials, Discord. And it's not as though I don't trust you. It's just that I've never thought of you as someone who would want to submit lesson plans and the like." Her eyebrow arched. "You do realize that you'll have to act somewhat like a mature, reasonable individual if you want to stay employed, correct?" "It's not my first choice, Celestia." Discord leaned back in his chair. "But you need the help among the teaching staff. Most of the faculty are adjusting, but most are trying to ignore magic as much as possible, not work with it. And, when something big goes down, I'd rather have some real authority. Being dismissed as "just the janitor" was what I wanted when I took the position, but we're on the cusp of something amazing. I'd rather be along for the ride then left in the dust." Celestia pursed her lips, then sighed. "I can't fault you for that." Glancing down at the documents on her desk, she frowned. "And these four- you think one of them might be able to replace Bunsen?" "Cipher is kookier than I am, but he's used to weird, and he's undeniably brilliant. It might be hard to get him away from the North West, though. He's actually an alternate physics candidate, in case you don't want me around." "And the rest?" "Valence Frizzle is the only "normal" educator of the bunch, but she's got enough kooky ideas to keep up with any of the kids. Turner is more of a prodigy than anything else; he's more of a tinkerer than a teacher, but he does know his stuff. Finally, Sadi Au'nyssia is probably the best classically trained chemist I know. He's devious and clever, but would be willing to keep his silence about anything he might see." "I see." Celestia bit her lip, then nodded. "Cipher is out. Discord, I expect a proper lesson plan on my desk by Monday. I have substitutes lined up through Wednesday, so you'll start teaching Thursday. I'll make a decision about our other position tomorrow." Discord stood up, grinning. "Thank you, ma'am. I promise that you won't regret hiring me; though I can't say the same for your students." He spun and began to walk out, only to hear Celestia respond from behind him as he approached the door. "The only thing about this interview I regret is having to see your choice of clothing. Next time you go to a formal interview, wear a kilt with a pattern something other than purple-and-green paisley." Author's Note ...much of this work will be references, jokes, and crossover mentions. I HAVE NO REGRETS. Besides Discord, there are four candidates whose names I dropped in the story above. Two should be obvious, one needs only a passing understanding of modern culture, and one is very obscure. Bonus points to anyone who recognizes all four, and says where each came from. If someone can recognize all four, they'll also get to pick which of the three chemistry candidates fills in for the now-absent Dr. Bunsen Burner, as the school's new chemistry teacher. Good luck! ASC: ...and if you can find them...Schadenfreude looked up from his desk, glancing across the group of people gathered before him. Four figures stared mutely back. Schadenfreude wasn't certain which surprised him more; that he knew two members of the group before him very well, or that he had never heard of the fourth member of the gathering, despite the credentials his boss had given him. He gave a grim smile and pressed his intercom button. "Blueblood? I think the team is ready." Blueblood looked over the five people gathered before him. Not for the first time, he wondered if he was making a mistake. Then he remembered what had happened to his aunt, and what might happen to the girls under the care of his cousins. Sure, this may be a strange little group, but someone has to move the gears of bureaucracy in those girls' favor. And if that means leveraging some of the more underhanded tactics one can, well... Taking in a deep breath, he spoke. "Ladies, gentlemen-" catching the hurt look on his secretary's face, he amended his opening line, "-and Schadenfreude, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today. Before we begin, let me introduce everyone in this little group." "Schadenfreude is my assistant, and one of the most competent organizers, law clerks, and researchers in the region. He is also an insufferable prick, who joined my office to torment the asshole who led it." He motioned to his own chest. "Thankfully, we've since come to an accord, and he is one of the best in the business for either obstructing or fast-tracking any policy he sets his gaze on, entirely within the rules. He is also well versed in causing personal discomfort, psychological trauma, or irritation-induced madness, if need be." "Dotted Line" he motioned to an older gentleman dressed in a tweed jacket, bow tie, and slacks, graying hair over discreet spectacles, "has come out of retirement for this little project. He was one of the most effective ministers in the English parliaments' managerial staff, mainly through his understanding of people. He knows how to leverage greed, rage, enlightened-self interest, and the other foibles of man, as well as many of their virtues, to getting policy rammed through and forestalling conflict. He also knows how to manage blackmail material." "Unity LeJean," he continued, "was one of the "auditors" of the Faust Affair. She has an intricate knowledge of the laws involved in bureaucratic affairs, including exactly where each line is, what lines have loopholes which can be exploited, and what lines only exist when public scrutiny is or is not present." The tall woman passed her yellow eyes across the group, her sharp grey suit not detracting from her classic looks. "Chrysalis, one of the best crackers and hackers in the business. She recently left behind a viable career with the NSA due to conflicts with the new management, and is an expert in data security, forgery, life-building, and code-breaking." He scolwed at the black-skinned woman, who gave a lazy wave of her hand. "She is also an expert in physical disguise- so if anyone is behaving strangely, please double check to make certain it's not her playing another prank." "That meeting was boring." Chrysalis drawled. "Showing up looking like your boyfriend made it far more interesting." "And finally-" "Harshwhinny." the yellow-haired woman interjected. "I'm retired." "...from being one of the best administrators and media manipulators in the Faust administration." LeJean adjusted her glasses. "I wondered where you went. I was quite surprised to find you as a schoolteacher- less so when you turned out to be working for Faust's daughters." "Which beings it back to me. And to the events covered in the files you all have perused." Blueblood straightened. "I am Blueblood Darling, cousin to Celestia and Luna Everfree. Recently, unusual events are-" "Unusual events?" Schadenfreude let out an exasperated sigh. "Blueblood, we're talking about magic, for crying out loud. If it weren't for the fact that I did some research when you first started asking me to look into it, I'd call you a crackpot." He grinned. "I mean, no one here expected this-" Dotted line let out a small cough. "Actually, Mr. Schadenfreude, magic is not entirely unknown to the British Government." As faces turned to look at him, he smiled. "Granted, the only artifacts which confirm its existence are carefully kept state secrets-" Chrysalis chuckled. "The crown, the sword, and the book." As Dotted's eyes widened, the green-haired woman grinned. "As soon as Schadenfreude mentioned magic, I did a quick walk through your servers. Let your buddies in the Office of Information know that looking at porn can leave embarrassing backdoors, alright?" LeJean grimaced. "That's a... cavalier attitude towards data security." "Maybe. But then again, you don't seem surprised, either." "I'm not. Did you know there are old laws on the books prohibiting unlicensed necromancy? And forms to become a licensed necromancer?" LeJean reached into her bag and stared digging through. "Granted, only one person actually claimed a license, but as claiming it requires "A demonstration of skill verifiable by a priest and a man of science," I thought it might be genuine." She removed a photocopy of an ancient document. "Bone Marrow, registered two hundred years ago, with his licence confirmed by three priests, an Oxford biologist, and a judge. It is not a state secret, but it is kept... quiet." She paused, then continued. "Especially since his birth was well-documented, but I've yet to find any proof that he ever actually died." Schadenfreude swallowed. "Well, that's going straight into my nightmares." Turning to the last person in the room, he hesitated. "And you? Why would you-" Harshwhinny grunted. "I teach the kids involved in this meeting." She glared at Blueblood. "So- you brought the five of us together. What do you want?" "In short? Protect those students, and with the recent developments at Canterlot High School, prepare for magic to become far more commonplace." He sighed. "Celestia and Luna have informed my office that magic may be spreading- it is only a matter of time before the events in this city draw unwanted attention. Until now, magic has been extremely rare, unpredictable, and limited in scope. However, that is changing, and the government must have procedures in place to prevent... undesirable outcomes." Schadenfreude grinned, overcoming his previous disturbance. "So... you want us to be the ones to establish those rules, keep those kids safe, and thwart any bureaucratic tangles?" LeJean gave a wry smile. "Keep individuals from taking rash acts, and restrain them with laws and limitations?" Dotted frowned. "The Office of Reforms is the right place to start. However, this will necessiate the creation of a new department..." "It's just going to be the six of us for now, though." Chrysalis looked pensive. "For now we can handle anything." "Indeed. For now, we are simply going to... audit old files, and determine what can- or should- be adapted for magic." Blueblood smiled. "We know how to work with bureaucracy, to wield it one way or another. We are auditors." Harshwhinny groaned. "An Auditor Team. An A-Team." She sighed. "Fine. We'll make that pun. I'm hired, I guess." She scowled. "We've already got one brown-nosed bureaucrat digging at us, but Celestia and Luna have asked me to shred him." Glancing around. "Chrysalis, I'll need your assistance finding out just how much he knows." Chrysalis grinned. "Gladly, old lady. So, we are getting paid for this, right? A girl's gotta keep her self in trashy romance novels somehow..." Blueblood raised an eyebrow. "You're getting paid fifteen percent above the standard specialist fee." "Excellent." Unity snapped opened her bag, reaching for a cell phone. "The game is afoot, I suppose." Blueblood turned, a grin settling onto his own face. "Indeed. Let those girls play with magic and battle demons- it's up to us to handle the monsters in plain view." Author's Note ...someone tried to nominate the next reference or cameo for this universe. It's far, far too late for that, my friend. The A-Team have arrived; and only two of them belong to the main canon. Also, an internet cookie who can identify the three new cameos in this chapter. LET THE BUREAUCRACY COMMENCE!
AMT: The Life and Times of Esmerelda Smith (Part 1)It had been meticulously planned. Twilight (unknowingly, but that was fine. This was for family, after all) had provided her with the schedule of Sunset's classes. Luna had agreed to handle her duties for the day, in exchange for "considerations" rendered later. (Celestia was very worried about what those considerations might be. Luna's grin had been vicious.) She'd even dug out her old disguise to sneak into Friendship Castle, and brought enough gemstones to bribe Spike into handing over one of Twilight's information booklets and opening the gate. From there, it only took stepping through the portal. Sunset would be looked after. Celestia would make sure of it. She would not make the same mistake again. Granny Smith looked up from her book, listening to the firm knocking at the door. Pulling herself to her feet, Granny moved into the front hall, then glanced up at the bubble glass which occupied the space above the door frame. Granny had never held with fancy "peephole cameras", but she was still waiting for Sunset or Applejack to figure out that the distortions of the old glass reflected near-perfectly the identity of the visitors which stood at the front door. Granny had had it installed specially: in her old line of work, it was always a good idea to know who was waiting on the other side of an unopened door, long before you reached it. Granted, if someone really wanted you dead, it wasn't too difficult, but it was far better to send anyone with an unpleasant message back with a different one. Don't mess with Granny. Still, she was rather surprised at what she saw. There was only one woman she knew with tri-colored hair reflecting in the colors of the dawn was Celestia. And she never wore poofy dresses like that. Hell, the woman looked like something out of a- storybook. Hmm. Well, we knew this was coming. Granny growled under her breath. Gangsters would be easier. She could shoot gangsters. Family, on the other hand... Celestia watched the door with a guarded expression. This world had changed much more than Equestria had in the last two centuries. For one, she could have sworn the portal had emerged from a wooden ring, two trees whose branches had interwoven above a shelf of white stone. Twilight's description the technology of this world hadn't quite done it justice; the more Celestia saw, the more she'd seen that Equestria couldn't hold a candle to the technological development of this one. Four hundred years ago, I would have bet every bit in the treasury that a war would have resulted in ponies triumphant. Now, if it came to fighting, I think we'd be lucky to emerge at a draw. Magic could do many things, but it was limited by the reserves of the caster and their own bodies; Celestia herself might be able to drop sunfire on an army, but it would leave her exhausted and spent to do so. Better by far to treaty and barter. Diplomacy is far more effective than force of arms. Drawing herself back to the present, she steadier herself as she heard a bolt turn in the door. The door swung open to reveal a weathered face- at once familiar and strange. Orange eyes gazed up at her, mud and blood splattered over green hooves. Worn wooden armor, studded with iron rivets was scarred and patched, pierced with griffin-made arrows. Still the young sergeant saluted, gazing up at her commander in chief. For on the battlefield, titles like "princess" meant nothing at all. Granny Smith spoke. "So. You're Princess Celestia. right?" Celestia blinked. The slight sarcastic edge she was familiar with, but she'd rarely heard it used at her; only Sunset (one, before her disappearance) and Luna (often, especially concerning cake) had ever dared. Celestia brought in a breath. "Indeed. I need to speak to you about-" Granny cut her off. "Lady, Ah think you need to start over." She raised an eyebrow. "Ah know why you're here- or at least, Ah have a reasonable suspicion. And you don't need anything." Celestia flinched. For a moment, she felt indignant outrage flood through her- until she realized how she must look. A strange woman shows up at her door, demands to talk to her. No introductions, no manners. Thinking back over her interactions over the past few days, she shuddered internally. Family always did bring out the worst in me. I seem to be falling back into bad habits. Gathering herself, Celestia started over. "I do need something, Ms. Smith. But I know I cannot demand it." Looking at Granny, she allowed a note of contrition to enter her voice. "May I come in, Ms. Smith? I'd like to speak to- no, with you, for a while. About Sunset." Granny humphed. "And if I say no?" Celestia drew up short. "I- what?" "I can guess why you're here." Granny snorted. "Ah got a message from Ms. Sparkle a few weeks back, talkin' about how you'd been pokin' around her lab, makin' noises about comin' here. Principal Celestia- mah friend- let me know when you traded her some coins for a phone call and some cash earlier today." She raised an eyebrow. "You came here to look into how Sunset's doin', see how she is. Seems a little late for that, ya know." Celestia gulped as Granny continued. "Sunset told us about what happened, why she left your world. She messed up, I know- but you had plenty of time after that whole shebang with the crown to take her back. You didn't." She shook her head. "Ah hear you run a fine country on the other side of the portal. Seems like your family needs some work, though." Celestia's mouth fumbled for a moment, then closed. She pulled in a deep breath, then sighed. "I've always had issues with my personal relationships, Ms. Smith. More so then you know." Softly, she continued. "I've failed those close to me many times. It comes from being used to dealing with people at a distance." "Which is why you haven't gone to talk to Sunset yourself." Granny studied Celestia for a moment, then shook her head. "You shoulda brought her home, yah know. When you found out how far she'd fallen. It's what family does." Turning, she swung the door open a little wider. "Still, you're here now- and I do wanna talk. But-" she said, turning her glare on Celestia. "You ain't gonna chat with me then leave. If you come in, you're here until Sunset gets home, understand?" Celestia hesitated at the threshold. "What- I mean-" "Sunset's scared and torn, woman. I can't tell why, but whenever she talks about you, it's like she's angry and sorry, apologetic and defiant. She can't make up her mind about you, and she ain't willing to take the first step." Granny huffed. "So. If you want answers, you haveta be the one to talk to her. The fact that you haven't tells me a lot, but that ends today. If you come in, that is." She turned, face stoic and lined. "So, what's it going to be?" Celestia hesitated. For a few moments, she stared inside her soul, until another memory surfaced. Staring at the retreating form of her sister, Celestia felt a sudden urge to follow her. Luna had brushed off her normal greeting, grumbling below her breath. Why was her sister so upset? So she'd had a slow night in court; Celestia didn't get why that would cause her sister such distress... Brushing it off, Celestia turned and continued down the passage. If Luna was really upset, she'd hear about it later. After all, it wasn't as though she wouldn't see her soon... Celestia blinked back the memory, regret heavy in her mind. Looking down, she squared her shoulders, and stepped across the threshold. Author's Note Granny takes no shit. Not when it comes to family, anyway. I've always imagined that Celestia learned her lessons on how to rule and behave from nobleponies of the Platinum family; distance, grace, and composure work well for dealing with subjects. However, those sort of interactions fail miserably when dealing with peers and family; it makes it hard to discus the little things that bother you without it devolving with someone who acts like a Queen all the time. Celestia can talk with ponies at their level, but when stressed or confused falls back on the regal ruler routine; which can backfire horribly. Both Sunset and Luna were victims of this. This will be the first of a five part story; we'll get a little of Sunset's background, but this story is really about Granny. I've got a lot of ideas, and I thought this interaction would be a good way to frame who Esmerelda Smith was, and how she came to be the matriarch of the Apple family.
AMT: By the BookSchadenfreude looked up from his desk, glancing at his boss. "So... Bluey, I though you told me that you weren't going to be giving me any more "off the books" paperwork to deal with." Blueblood groaned, massaging his temple. "I wouldn't, but something rather drastic has come up. It turns out my cousins have been keeping an eye on a girl whose origins aren't recorded anywhere, and she's found her way through some trouble. They have exhaustive documentation concerning her middles school and high school careers, but she doesn't have any elementary school data, or any personal information." His subordinate rolled his eyes. "First, I don't know if I can fabricate a backstory for this girl without more details. And I know you won't tell me anything, becuse-" "She's a former magical prodigy from another world, whose face was all over those videos I had Chrissy cover up last year." As Schadenfreude stared at him, he shrugged. "You're right- I can't keep secrets from you anymore. We're reaching the end of what we can do subtly, and we'll soon be managing far worse." Schaden looked at his boss blankly, then allowed his gaze to settle on the files nestled under Blueblood's arm. "Magic? Really? Bluey, I saw the video, but it seems so-" "Insane? Yes, it is, in many ways." Blueblood scowled. "However, from what little Celestia has shared with me, the civilization this girl hails from has enormous amounts of power in individual hands, and little technological development. If someone finds out about this before they're ready, I can see a thousand and one ways for it to end badly. And that's not even going into the fact that the girl in question- Sunset Shimmer- is currently legally vulnerable, with potential powers and intelligence that would make any security analyst wet themselves." "Which way?" Schnadenfreude snarked. "Both, depending on the situation." Blueblood drew in a deep breath. "Granted, I doubt any of them would try anything so overt as to try and kidnap her right now. However, there have been incidences- both magical and non-magical- which have brought her to the attention of the law. If she became a person of interest and another event like that occurred, it would be far too easy for someone to put her in protective custody and isolate her." "Which is why she needs a legal background." Schadenfreude's normally abrasive attitude vanished. "If we do a shoddy job with these fake files, theat would be worse then no protection at all, though." "It's not going to be fake." Blueblood pulled the first file from under his arm. "This is documentation for one Sunset Shimmer, orphaned at age 5, who would later be placed as a ward of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns." Cutting off Schadenfreude's response, he nodded. "Unicorns. Celestia doesn't just run the school in the other world, either." Blueblood stared at Schadenfreude, then shook his head. "You don't need to fabricate anything. I know you; you can be a blatantly obstructive as you need to be to annoy someone. I want all of these files, which have finally been transferred to our care under refugee protocol 52-c, to be added to Sunset's files. I want the truth plainly stated in her documents, then buried behind so many legal protections as to keep them obscured. I want them added to the files by the book." Schadenfreude looked up at his boss and nodded. "That, I can do. But, you mentioned that it's only going to get worse?..." "Sunset's the only immigrant, thank god, but there are more visitors coming and going; and Celestia thinks it's only going to get worse. She's letting me use the Faust files to lean on people if necessary, but we can't do this alone." Schadenfreude's face snapped up. "She's letting you- she must think this is really important." "Yes. Too important for just the two of us. Get ready to share your office, you little wanker; I'm getting the A-team together." Schadenfreude grinned. "The Auditor-Team? Wonderful." Author's Note Wondering what the Faust files are? Noticed my oblique reference to Chrysalis? Looking forward to what's next? There's a lot of machinations behind the scenes. I always do enjoy building backstory.
ASC: You Don't Have to be Mad to be Hired Here...Principal Celestia sighed as she looked over the paperwork in front of her. Glancing up, she found herself looking into the golden eyes of her erstwhile janitor, who was whistling softly, causing his clip on tie to lazily dance back and forth. While Celestia was used to Discord's new habit of having inanimate objects dance around him, she really didn't like his new tie. Especially since he somehow attached a clip-on tie to a ratty t-shirt. Celestia glanced down at the paperwork he'd presented to her, and decided for once that her "new hire" script could be scrapped. "Discord, before we begin, I need to discuss how you learned about these... openings." Discord grinned. "Are you implying that I hacked your computer? Evesdropped on your office? Read through your personal files after one of our study sessions?" He shook his head. "I didn't have to. You dropped both the personal letters attached to their resignations into the trash can before you headed home last week. If you want to hide something, don't leave it where the janitor is obligated to dispose of it." Celestia sighed. "And do you dig through everyone's trash?" "Just the people with interesting secrets. You'd be surprised what you can learn through people's garbage. For example, Harshwhinny is a a recovering smoker, Cheerilee has three secret admirers she doesn't appreciate, and someone is using the third floor janitor's closet for trysts." He groaned at that last part. "I swear, they knock over everything whenever they hide in there." Celestia blinked. "I don't want to know how you know about the third one. Regardless, both Dr. Bunsen Burner and Mr. Parabola resigned last week. Both refused to continue working in an institute which-" "Violates the laws of physics on a daily basis." Discord grinned. "I know my... activities haven't helped matters, but they're going to need to go very far away to escape magic, if Ms. Shimmer is at all right, magic is going to spread. They're going to need to toughen up, if they can't even handle my pranks." "True." Celestia sighed. "Most of the faculty are adjusting to the feats our students are capable of. However, Bunsen and Parabola want the world to make sense." "When it really doesn't." Discord leaned back in his chair. "And now, you need a new physics teacher." Celestia groaned. "And you want to fill the position." Discord straightened up in his seat. He stopped drumming his fingers, causing his tie to settle back into position on her throat. With a quick motion, he pulled his plaid jacket off the back of the chair behind him, and pulled it on, buttoning it securely. The transformation was remarkable; although a close look would reveal the wild inconsistencies in Discord's attire, at first glance he might actually pass for respectful. "Well, yes. I taught for five years in grad school, and I have a Ph.D. in Physics-" "And a master's in applied Math; with a focus on chaos theory." Staring at Discord, she groaned. "It's not that I don't trust your credentials, Discord. And it's not as though I don't trust you. It's just that I've never thought of you as someone who would want to submit lesson plans and the like." Her eyebrow arched. "You do realize that you'll have to act somewhat like a mature, reasonable individual if you want to stay employed, correct?" "It's not my first choice, Celestia." Discord leaned back in his chair. "But you need the help among the teaching staff. Most of the faculty are adjusting, but most are trying to ignore magic as much as possible, not work with it. And, when something big goes down, I'd rather have some real authority. Being dismissed as "just the janitor" was what I wanted when I took the position, but we're on the cusp of something amazing. I'd rather be along for the ride then left in the dust." Celestia pursed her lips, then sighed. "I can't fault you for that." Glancing down at the documents on her desk, she frowned. "And these four- you think one of them might be able to replace Bunsen?" "Cipher is kookier than I am, but he's used to weird, and he's undeniably brilliant. It might be hard to get him away from the North West, though. He's actually an alternate physics candidate, in case you don't want me around." "And the rest?" "Valence Frizzle is the only "normal" educator of the bunch, but she's got enough kooky ideas to keep up with any of the kids. Turner is more of a prodigy than anything else; he's more of a tinkerer than a teacher, but he does know his stuff. Finally, Sadi Au'nyssia is probably the best classically trained chemist I know. He's devious and clever, but would be willing to keep his silence about anything he might see." "I see." Celestia bit her lip, then nodded. "Cipher is out. Discord, I expect a proper lesson plan on my desk by Monday. I have substitutes lined up through Wednesday, so you'll start teaching Thursday. I'll make a decision about our other position tomorrow." Discord stood up, grinning. "Thank you, ma'am. I promise that you won't regret hiring me; though I can't say the same for your students." He spun and began to walk out, only to hear Celestia respond from behind him as he approached the door. "The only thing about this interview I regret is having to see your choice of clothing. Next time you go to a formal interview, wear a kilt with a pattern something other than purple-and-green paisley." Author's Note ...much of this work will be references, jokes, and crossover mentions. I HAVE NO REGRETS. Besides Discord, there are four candidates whose names I dropped in the story above. Two should be obvious, one needs only a passing understanding of modern culture, and one is very obscure. Bonus points to anyone who recognizes all four, and says where each came from. If someone can recognize all four, they'll also get to pick which of the three chemistry candidates fills in for the now-absent Dr. Bunsen Burner, as the school's new chemistry teacher. Good luck!
ASC: ...and if you can find them...Schadenfreude looked up from his desk, glancing across the group of people gathered before him. Four figures stared mutely back. Schadenfreude wasn't certain which surprised him more; that he knew two members of the group before him very well, or that he had never heard of the fourth member of the gathering, despite the credentials his boss had given him. He gave a grim smile and pressed his intercom button. "Blueblood? I think the team is ready." Blueblood looked over the five people gathered before him. Not for the first time, he wondered if he was making a mistake. Then he remembered what had happened to his aunt, and what might happen to the girls under the care of his cousins. Sure, this may be a strange little group, but someone has to move the gears of bureaucracy in those girls' favor. And if that means leveraging some of the more underhanded tactics one can, well... Taking in a deep breath, he spoke. "Ladies, gentlemen-" catching the hurt look on his secretary's face, he amended his opening line, "-and Schadenfreude, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today. Before we begin, let me introduce everyone in this little group." "Schadenfreude is my assistant, and one of the most competent organizers, law clerks, and researchers in the region. He is also an insufferable prick, who joined my office to torment the asshole who led it." He motioned to his own chest. "Thankfully, we've since come to an accord, and he is one of the best in the business for either obstructing or fast-tracking any policy he sets his gaze on, entirely within the rules. He is also well versed in causing personal discomfort, psychological trauma, or irritation-induced madness, if need be." "Dotted Line" he motioned to an older gentleman dressed in a tweed jacket, bow tie, and slacks, graying hair over discreet spectacles, "has come out of retirement for this little project. He was one of the most effective ministers in the English parliaments' managerial staff, mainly through his understanding of people. He knows how to leverage greed, rage, enlightened-self interest, and the other foibles of man, as well as many of their virtues, to getting policy rammed through and forestalling conflict. He also knows how to manage blackmail material." "Unity LeJean," he continued, "was one of the "auditors" of the Faust Affair. She has an intricate knowledge of the laws involved in bureaucratic affairs, including exactly where each line is, what lines have loopholes which can be exploited, and what lines only exist when public scrutiny is or is not present." The tall woman passed her yellow eyes across the group, her sharp grey suit not detracting from her classic looks. "Chrysalis, one of the best crackers and hackers in the business. She recently left behind a viable career with the NSA due to conflicts with the new management, and is an expert in data security, forgery, life-building, and code-breaking." He scolwed at the black-skinned woman, who gave a lazy wave of her hand. "She is also an expert in physical disguise- so if anyone is behaving strangely, please double check to make certain it's not her playing another prank." "That meeting was boring." Chrysalis drawled. "Showing up looking like your boyfriend made it far more interesting." "And finally-" "Harshwhinny." the yellow-haired woman interjected. "I'm retired." "...from being one of the best administrators and media manipulators in the Faust administration." LeJean adjusted her glasses. "I wondered where you went. I was quite surprised to find you as a schoolteacher- less so when you turned out to be working for Faust's daughters." "Which beings it back to me. And to the events covered in the files you all have perused." Blueblood straightened. "I am Blueblood Darling, cousin to Celestia and Luna Everfree. Recently, unusual events are-" "Unusual events?" Schadenfreude let out an exasperated sigh. "Blueblood, we're talking about magic, for crying out loud. If it weren't for the fact that I did some research when you first started asking me to look into it, I'd call you a crackpot." He grinned. "I mean, no one here expected this-" Dotted line let out a small cough. "Actually, Mr. Schadenfreude, magic is not entirely unknown to the British Government." As faces turned to look at him, he smiled. "Granted, the only artifacts which confirm its existence are carefully kept state secrets-" Chrysalis chuckled. "The crown, the sword, and the book." As Dotted's eyes widened, the green-haired woman grinned. "As soon as Schadenfreude mentioned magic, I did a quick walk through your servers. Let your buddies in the Office of Information know that looking at porn can leave embarrassing backdoors, alright?" LeJean grimaced. "That's a... cavalier attitude towards data security." "Maybe. But then again, you don't seem surprised, either." "I'm not. Did you know there are old laws on the books prohibiting unlicensed necromancy? And forms to become a licensed necromancer?" LeJean reached into her bag and stared digging through. "Granted, only one person actually claimed a license, but as claiming it requires "A demonstration of skill verifiable by a priest and a man of science," I thought it might be genuine." She removed a photocopy of an ancient document. "Bone Marrow, registered two hundred years ago, with his licence confirmed by three priests, an Oxford biologist, and a judge. It is not a state secret, but it is kept... quiet." She paused, then continued. "Especially since his birth was well-documented, but I've yet to find any proof that he ever actually died." Schadenfreude swallowed. "Well, that's going straight into my nightmares." Turning to the last person in the room, he hesitated. "And you? Why would you-" Harshwhinny grunted. "I teach the kids involved in this meeting." She glared at Blueblood. "So- you brought the five of us together. What do you want?" "In short? Protect those students, and with the recent developments at Canterlot High School, prepare for magic to become far more commonplace." He sighed. "Celestia and Luna have informed my office that magic may be spreading- it is only a matter of time before the events in this city draw unwanted attention. Until now, magic has been extremely rare, unpredictable, and limited in scope. However, that is changing, and the government must have procedures in place to prevent... undesirable outcomes." Schadenfreude grinned, overcoming his previous disturbance. "So... you want us to be the ones to establish those rules, keep those kids safe, and thwart any bureaucratic tangles?" LeJean gave a wry smile. "Keep individuals from taking rash acts, and restrain them with laws and limitations?" Dotted frowned. "The Office of Reforms is the right place to start. However, this will necessiate the creation of a new department..." "It's just going to be the six of us for now, though." Chrysalis looked pensive. "For now we can handle anything." "Indeed. For now, we are simply going to... audit old files, and determine what can- or should- be adapted for magic." Blueblood smiled. "We know how to work with bureaucracy, to wield it one way or another. We are auditors." Harshwhinny groaned. "An Auditor Team. An A-Team." She sighed. "Fine. We'll make that pun. I'm hired, I guess." She scowled. "We've already got one brown-nosed bureaucrat digging at us, but Celestia and Luna have asked me to shred him." Glancing around. "Chrysalis, I'll need your assistance finding out just how much he knows." Chrysalis grinned. "Gladly, old lady. So, we are getting paid for this, right? A girl's gotta keep her self in trashy romance novels somehow..." Blueblood raised an eyebrow. "You're getting paid fifteen percent above the standard specialist fee." "Excellent." Unity snapped opened her bag, reaching for a cell phone. "The game is afoot, I suppose." Blueblood turned, a grin settling onto his own face. "Indeed. Let those girls play with magic and battle demons- it's up to us to handle the monsters in plain view." Author's Note ...someone tried to nominate the next reference or cameo for this universe. It's far, far too late for that, my friend. The A-Team have arrived; and only two of them belong to the main canon. Also, an internet cookie who can identify the three new cameos in this chapter. LET THE BUREAUCRACY COMMENCE!
