Darkness Deals With... What?

Darkness Deals With... What?
Bonus 2: Sit In... What?

By: Major Frostwing

"Right this way The Royal will see you now." The royal adviser said showing me to the throne room. "Be warned though they are in a very sour mood so try to keep everything short and to the point." I gave the female a puzzled look as she only gave me a sheepish smile.

"Now what could possibly upset out princess so?" I asked the adviser as they only began to sweat before motioning to the doors.

"Good luck." And before I could say another word she took off. I turned to the doors before clearing my throat opening them with a flourish.

"My dear Pri-" I was silenced by a groan. Not even a dignified groan. It was a groan of complete contempt toward what caused the person to groan in the first place. I looked up to see the last person I wanted to see. Sitting on the throne was none other than Jon The Fist of Equestria.

"Get on with it already so I can say no and then throw you out." Jon said before examining his nails with a look of boredom.

"What have you done to the Princesses? They would never allow someone such as you to take over day court. Explain yourself!" I demanded as Jon only snapped his fingers.

"Hey sarge mind passing the letter to him? I don't want to explain it again." Jon said as he continued to examine his nails.

"Of course sir." A guard said before magicking a rolled up letter to me. I snatched the letter opening it only to be shocked by what I read.

"Dear Jon,

The other Princesses and myself are going on a day trip through the portal. Since no one except you has the same amount of pull as us we ask you to kindly sit in for us at day court and night court as well. We appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia Raiser of the Sun and Diarch of Equestria."

"THIS IS LUDICROUS!" I yelled out throwing the letter down to my feet.

"That's what I said." Jon muttered before leaning back in the throne. "So what is your problem? I ain't got all day." Jon said finally turning his attention away from his nails to stare at the ceiling.

"NO I WILL NOT DEAL WITH THIS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?" I roared out stamping my foot in rage. Jon for his part only raised an eyebrow at me.

"No. Do I care? No not really." He said before looking to his guards. "Escort him out guys. He is only going to be a disturbance." Jon said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! UNHAND ME!" I yelled out as I was dragged out of the throne room. "YOU WILL HEAR FROM MY LAWYER!" I roared out as the doors slammed shut.

Shortly after that annoyance was thrown out I saw my guards for the day return. "Hey guys what is for lunch?" I asked as I shifted in the throne so my legs were hanging off the arm. "Cuz I am starving." I said leaning back over the opposite arm of the throne.

"Sir it is only Eight in the morning." The guard to my right said calmly as I let out a groan.

"Seriously how the FUCK does Celestia do this shit?" I asked no one in particular.

"With a very comfy pillow to sit on." The guard to my left answered. I paused as I really thought about it before shrugging.

"Think you guys could go get me a pillow? This chair is harder than a witches tit in a brass brazier." The guard to my right saluted before going to fetch my pillow.

"Sir another petitioner is here." My assistant for the day said as she cracked the door open.

"Cool... Send them in or whatever..." I was bored. And kinda pissed off that this got thrown on me out of nowhere. I will just have to plan my revenge on Celestia and Luna when the time comes.

"-OR THE LAST TIME THAT LAND IS MINE!" I heard a yell come from outside the door before getting steadily louder.

"AND I TOLD YOU ALREADY THAT LAND IS MINE!" Another voice yelled back as I sighed rubbing the bridge of my nose. The door to the throne room opened allowing four people to enter the throne room Two of them were arguing and the other two looked like lawyers who just wanted this to end.

"Alright what is going o-" I began before being so rudely cut off.

"SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS MY FAMILY HAS OWNED THAT LAND FOR GENERATIONS!"

"I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I HAVE THE DEED TO THAT LAND WITH ME RIGHT NOW!"

"AN OBVIOUS FAKE YOU FILTHY LIAR!"

"WHY YO-" I silenced the argument with a shot from my spell pistol.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BABBLING LITTLE COCK SOCKS!" I roared out catching everyone's attention. "YOU!" I pointed at the first lawyer who shrank under my glare. "EXPLAIN! NOW!"

"Y-You see sir. These two gentlemen are having a dispute over some land."

"WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY MI-" I silenced them once again by shooting the little shit in the chest with a knockout spell.

"Continue." I ordered. The lawyer cleared his throat adjusting his tie nervously.

"It seems that the deeds were from the same realtor and were purchased the same day. They are both claiming ownership of the land." I nodded my head thinking it over.

"So what you are telling me is that someone a stupid long time ago sold the same bit of land to two different people. Am I correct?" I asked as I spun my spell pistol on my finger.

"Y-Yes sir." I hummed in thought tapping the side of my head with the spell pistol before shrugging.

"Has either of these two idiots even been to the plot of land in question?" I asked as the lawyer looked to the other lawyer who only shrugged. "Idiots." I muttered looking the conscious arguer. "OI! Have you ever seen this plot of land?" I asked as he began to sweat under my gaze.

"Um... No." I gave him a flat look before shooting him with a knockout spell. I shot the other with a recovery spell waking him up.

"What the hell was th-" He began to ask as I whistled.

"Have you seen the plot of land in question?" I asked keeping the pistol trained on him. "No lying." I threatened as he shuffled a bit.

"N-No sir..." I couldn't restrain my groan before shooting him with another knockout spell.

"Alright you two. These idiots got fucking scammed YEARS ago." I pointed out. "I am voiding both of the deeds. There will be no compensation. Neither wins and neither loses." I shot the downed arguers with recovery spells. "NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GOD DAMN THRONE ROOM!" I barked as they all scrambled out of the room. I let out a sigh dismissing my pistol with a casual flick of my wrist.

"Nicely done sir." The guard to my left said as I shrugged. "The princess would have let them argue for a little bit longer before stopping them." I let out a chuckle just as my other guard returned with a pillow.

"Oh thank fuck." I said as I seized the pillow before sitting down on it. "That is so much better."