"Game over man, game over!"
It was another night at the Crystal Castle for Spike and company. A guy’s night, just him and the boys. Five stallions gathered around the map, each seated in one of the Mane Six’s thrones. Well, three stallions and two changelings anyways.
To be fairly honest, it was probably one of Ponyville’s worst kept-secrets that every time Twilight went out of town for some reason or the other, Spike invited all of his friends over for a game of Ogres & Oubliettes.
Partially, this was because Big Mac was the world’s worst liar, especially when it came to being asked about what exactly happened during Guy’s Night. It was quite an amazing feat for somepony who spoke so little. He was rather embarrassed that he played tabletop role-playing games, for one reason or the other. He never said exactly why, unsurprisingly.
Secondly and more likely for the game nights being a rather badly kept secret, there was a certain Chaos Spirit involved at one point. After all, when you came home with your friends to see an entire game being brought to life before your very eyes, somebody was bound to blab to the entire town about things. Personally, Spike blamed Rainbow or Pinkie for that.
Somehow, in some fashion, word had gotten all the way to the Changeling Kingdom and now here Spike sat, in a most uncomfortable of fashions with two changelings in the room. It wasn’t Thorax he had a problem with, not in the slightest. The fact of the matter was, he’d been planning to invite his friend over to one of the game nights at some point.
Oh no, it was his brother that made him just the slightest bit uncomfortable, and made Spike want to slink down into his chair and disappear from existence entirely if possible.
After all, when you saw one very intimidating changeling, -his shell decked out in the darkest shades of military green imaginable complete with two long red horns sprouting from his head- and you knew he was head of the Kingdom’s defense, how could you not be a little bit scared?
Pharynx’s eyes seemed to bore right into Spike’s skull, as if he was assessing him as a potential threat to the hive. Tiny or not, he was still a dragon. Pharynx had heard the horror stories that Chrysalis had told them of hungry dragons snatching up little changelings for lunch and dinner.
Thorax knew those stories too, but treated them as laughable nowadays. Honestly, he wasn’t quite sure why.
With Spike trying very hard not to lose his nerve, the party took their places around the table. Big Mac was the only one with his own character sheet, “Sir McBiggun.” To his left sat Shining Armor, on one of the rare occasions he was able to get away from his Princely duties. (He had one of Pharynx’s men in his place to pose as him and to run the Guard through their paces. Cadance would probably throw a fit when he got home, but it’d be worth it). Big Mac sighed as he saw Spike still setting up his screen and dice. Looks like he’d have to take over as the Dungeon Master for a bit. And so, he pulled out the rulebook, cleared his throat, and stated the lines that started every Ogres & Oubliettes anypony had ever played.
“In a world where evil reigns supreme, a small band of warriors stands tall against the darkness. Who are these heroes that fate has chosen? Will they be able to defeat the darkness and return the light? This is... Ogres & Oubliettes!” Big Mac’s voice boomed throughout the almost empty chamber as he took on what he thought to be a very dramatic announcer-type voice.
“Okay… I’m sorry, but…” Pharynx interrupted, drawing everybody’s attentions to him in an instant “But who wrote that crap? It’s all so needlessly dramatic. Very melodramatic, actually.”
Thorax stared at him. “I’m surprised you know what that word even means, or you’re even critiquing something besides troop formations,” the Changeling King piped up, an eyebrow raised.
“Okay, I admit some of the changelings in the theatre troupe have been getting to me. Happy now?” Pharynx huffed in his usual gruff tone of voice, crossing his arms childishly.
“...I didn’t even know we had a theatre troupe,” Thorax muttered to himself.
“Well, you had the ‘Feelings Forum’...” Pharynx trailed off. “So someling getting the idea of creating a theatre troupe was bound to happen.”
Big Mac leaned over to Spike and muttered: “Why do I get the feeling they’ll be like this the whole game?”
“...If we can stop them arguing long enough for there to be a game…” Spike sighed, before turning to Shining.
“Hey, you really sure leaving one of Pharynx’s men in your place was the best idea?” the young drake asked his older brother figure. Shining laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his mane with a hoof.
“Well, as long as he doesn’t start flirting with my wife, I’ll be happy,” Shining blushed.
“Which one did you send?” Pharynx interjected.
“He was yellow-orange, least at the time, and a member of your troops. That’s all I can remember, actually…” Shining stammered, looking a little red. “No offense, but it is sorta hard to tell you guys apart at times.”
“Was he the one with a rose in his mouth and carrying around a rapier?” Pharynx inquired, eyebrow raised. Shining averted his gaze. Pharynx snorted. “Cause if it was him, then I’m sorry to say chances are your wife will be flirted with. He’s a charming one. ...Or at least he thinks he is. Casanova wannabe...” Pharynx muttered in distaste.
“Then I’ll just stab him with my sword of times 4 damage,” Shining replied, holding up a obviously fake wooden sword and slashing it through the air. It was so pathetic, and yet rather cute in a way.
“...You’re so lame,” Pharynx muttered, and smacked himself in the face and shook his head at Shining as he thought “And this is the guy the Princess of Love married? A complete and utter dork, a frankly pathetic one at that I might add. The Hive Mother only knows how he got chosen to lead the Crystal Guard. They need someling tough, and manly… Like me!”
“Pharynx, you’re drooling again,” Thorax groaned, and sure enough a small droplet of drool was coming from his brother’s mouth. “Please tell me you’re not having fantasies about sweeping away a beautiful mare into the sunset again?”
“Ye-no!” Pharynx denied a little too quickly for Shining’s liking. The pony in question head-desked. Least now he knew where that guard he sent to take his place got it from.
Shining leaned over to Thorax and whispered, “Are you sure you don’t have another brother somewhere that you’re not telling us about?”
“Well, it’s possible. I was born in a rather large clutch…” Thorax admitted with a sheepish grin. “So yeah, I could have one. But I’m probably the black sheep of the family really.”
“Anyways,” Pharynx began with a cough. “So what’s the story here, terrible as it probably is? Fighting off rogues, going to war against some nation? Slaying a dragon who carries off little changelings in the night to gobble them up?”
Everyone collectively stared at Pharynx once again for that last remark. Thorax laughed nervously.
“...He…he has some unresolved issues from when he was a grub…” the King admitted sheepishly.
“Can we move on, please?” Pharynx hissed out, grinding his teeth.
“Well,” Spike replied as he cleared his throat. “We’re continuing our campaign from our last meeting. Your party was tracking town the evil Squid Wizard, which we call him…wait for it…”
Shining and Big Mac had to stifle chuckles as Spike’s tone became more dramatic before the little drake sniggered childishly. “...the Squizard!” he declared dramatically as he placed a little card of a cartoon purple colored squid holding a magic wand tipped with a yellow star on the game table.
Pharynx blinked, unsure if what he’d just heard was correct while Thorax smiled.
“Nice job on the name, Spike,” the Changeling King complimented.
“Childish if you ask me…” Pharynx muttered and Spike held up a claw.
“Actually, I didn’t come up with the nickname,” Spike corrected before he turned to Shining. “When Shining first came here, he was the one who originally introduced us to the game believe it or not…”
Shining blushed in a decidedly unroyal fashion.
“Oh, I believe it alright, guy’s a dork through and through…” Pharynx muttered to himself.
Thorax smacked his brother on the arm. “Be nice!” he hissed at him.
“...He was the one to come up with the nickname, said it rolled off the tongue better or something like that,” Spike continued, seemingly unaware of Pharynx’s snide insult. Or if he did hear it, he ignored it.
“Now, the Squizard has been trying to conquer Spiketopia with his hoards of the undead and his monstrous beasts,” Spike continued, and here he placed little cards of pony skeletons wearing armor on the table. To add to that, various cards of beasts like a multi-headed serpent titled Demogorgon, and a thin grey coated pony whose head opened up like a flower with nothing but teeth inside the mouth, were then placed amongst the army. “As if to add insult to injury, he’s captured the real King of Spiketopia, Lord Torch.”
“Wait, don’t most games like this have characters for the heroes, namely us, to play?” Thorax questioned and the three experiences Ogres & Oubliettes players before him nodded.
“Now, now, don’t be jealous but I’m a level 30 Enchanter with my major skills being intellect and perception. I go by the name of Garbunkle the Great and Glorious,” Spike explained before remarking, “Trixie helped me with the name, she’s a fan of the game as well. Who knew right?”
“So ‘Garbunkle,’” Pharynx commented, complete with air quotes, “Tell us about your Great and Glorious self.” Even a deaf pony would have been able to detect the sarcasm in Pharynx’s tone.
“Well, my character has been studying magic for years under the King of Spiketopia, learning everything he could to become a top-level Mage. He went on a wandering tour of the globe, to learn its magics and perform dashing heroics,” Spike began with Thorax listening intently. Pharynx… Not so much, as he faked a yawn. “However, when he heard his homeland was under siege, he came back rushing to the rescue!” Spike concluded.
“Now that character sounds like someone I’d like to know, reminds me of someone…” Thorax trailed off.
“Aww, does my little brother have a crushy-wushy on Spike? He’s growing up!” Pharynx asked, giving said little brother a mocking noogie on the forehead. Shining and Mac sniggered, hiding their laughter with their hooves.
“I-I do not!” Thorax said, in a tone that sounded almost as if he was in denial, holding up his front forelegs defensively as he broke away from the noogie and shoved his brother away. “Whatever gave you that idea?”
“Oh, nothing, just that you’ve been complimenting Spike every turn, came all the way out here from the Empire to see him and you performed a romantic duet with him when you first met…that’s all,” the older changeling teased.
“I did those first two because I’m a friend, and remember, I dragged you along with me,” Thorax clarified before muttering, “Something I’m severely starting to regret…” to himself in a low tone. “And that last bit? It wasn’t romantic, it was to keep me from being thrown behind bars by Shining over there! No offense,” he quickly added to Shining Armor.
“None taken,” Shining replied, laughing nervously a little at the small brotherly squabble.
Spike, ignoring Thorax and Pharynx continued on. “Big Mac over there…” he started before the pony in question held up a hoof.
“Wait, wait, Ah’ll explain mah character,” the massive stallion interjected. “Ah’m a level 27 Black Knight unicorn from Castle Chadwick, named Sir McBiggun. Mah King may have aligned himself with the Squizard, but Ah’d never besmirch my honor in a way, enope! So, Ah’m a rogue with this hearty bunch!” he explained proudly, throwing his forelegs around Spike and Shining.
“And you Shining?” Thorax asked, smiling a little at the obvious camaraderie of the trio.
“Well, I’m a Knight just like Sir McBiggun. Thought I’d take advantage of the obvious pun and become a literal knight in shining armor,” Shining explained before Pharynx interjected once more.
“But I thought you already were a knight in shining armor, Shining, as Captain of both the Royal and Crystal Guards?” he questioned.
“Stick with what you know, right?” Shining asked. Pharynx sighed, silently admitting he had a point there. “My character’s name is Sir Ironshield, a Knight from the Rivendell Kingdom with high points in speed and charisma.”
“So, what’s your character going to be, Thorax?” Spike asked, handing him a blank character sheet to fill out his traits for his in-game persona.
“Well, I suppose I’ll be a ranger from the Deer Kingdom, goes by the name of Longhorn. I guess my backstory, as it is, would be that of me hearing about the Squizard’s tyranny and joining up to free Spiketopia,” Thorax said as he used a pencil to fill out his character traits.
Spike sucked in a breath. “Uh, no offense…but are you sure you want to be a deer? They’re kinda jerks, really...both in and out of Ogres & Oubliettes,” he mumbled that last part very quickly and quietly, and largely to himself.
“Well, like I said, I’m the black sheep of my family in the real world so why not here? Shining did say stick with what you know, right?” Thorax inquired and Shining nodded. “Plus… you gotta admit I do look sorta like a deer…” he continued, eyes looking upwards towards his rather magnificent antlers.
“Can’t disagree with you there, Thor,” Pharynx put in. “Believe me, you’ve been getting no shortage of jokes from your subjects about that,”
“Ones which I bet you started, right?” Thorax asked, looking directly at his brother in a critical manner.
“No, I just heard them. I had nothing to do with them,” Pharynx denied hastily, breaking eye contact from his brother. Then he was handed his character sheet.
“So, you going to create a character or what?” Spike asked him.
Pharynx sighed, but eventually gave in and muttered “Fine…” as he looked over the possible character classes. Then one caught his eye.
“Barbarian…” the changeling muttered. Thorax smirked at that, as he watched his older brother jot down his character traits. When Pharynx noticed his little brother smirking, he tore his attentions away from the character sheet and back to Thorax.
“What?” the older changeling asked, crossing his forelegs.
“It just sorta figures you’d choose a barbarian as your class choice doesn’t it?” Thorax asked in a teasing tone.
“What, you saying you don’t like my choice?” Pharynx growled out as he got up in Thorax’s face, violet eyes piercing right into him. Shining and Spike both started to stand up.
“No, no. Not at all!” Thorax said, quickly and defensively. “It just suits you quite well, that’s all! I was trying to compliment you!”
“Well, if I’m going to be playing this stupid game, I might as well be doing something in it that befits a changeling of my stature.” Pharynx replied grumpily before he lowered his voice and leaned across the table. “...Can I at least be a deer too?” he whispered to Spike, a flush of embarrassment quickly rising to his face.
Spike nodded rather quickly. “Yep, you can be anything you like!” he laughed nervously.
“Then Steelhooves of the Deer Kingdom I shall be, the barbarian warrior who takes on all comers!” Pharynx snarled out, fangs bared and eyes flashing.
Everyone heard the sound of a hoof hitting a face. Everyone’s heads turned only to see Thorax sighing and shaking his head.
“...Why do I think Pharynx is going to enjoy his class of character a little too much…?” Shining and Spike both thought in unison, sweat rolling down their faces as they shared a nervous look.
“So…uh, can we get started with the game?” Thorax asked nervously, pressing his hooves together. Spike nodded and threw the first roll of the dice…
A few hours in, and the game was already getting intense. Spike, as the Dungeon Master for this game, was currently explaining the current situation in the story behind his screen. Drinks and assorted snacks lay forgotten as the players listened intently to the young drake’s narration. He’d put his character aside for this, as Dungeon Masters, by classic Ogres & Oubliettes rules, were not allowed to play with their characters.
“Something…something was in the cavern with you. Snarling and snapping at you out of sight, twin sets of glowing red eyes lurked in the darkness beyond,” Spike said in an ominous tone of voice. Shining was biting his hooves while Big Mac looked nervous.
“Man, oh man… If it’s the Demogorgon, it’s game over man. Game over!” Shining whispered nervously.
“Ee-yup…” Sir McBiggun agreed.
“Ah, let it come!” Steelhooves snarled. “To die facing a monstrous beast, that’s the way a warrior should go out!”
It seemed Spike and Shining’s earlier predictions about Pharynx getting into the game a little too much had been proven correct, as he turned to all three of his “comrades” and said: “Or are you not men of honor? You would go down fighting, to defeat this monster and lay down your lives to defeat the Squizard would you not?”
“...Wow, you’re actually enjoying this game, who’d have thunk…?” Thorax trailed off out of character.
“I, for the record, am not enjoying this game…” his brother clarified.
“You’re loving it?” Thorax teased, leaning close to him with a wily smirk cast upon his face.
“NO!” Pharynx snapped. “I just wouldn’t see soldiers, even make-believe ones, become cowards on the field of battle! Not under my command!”
“...but we’re not under your command.” Shining pointed out, although it went ignored. The Captain of the Crystal Guard then muttered, “Celestia… I’m so glad Flurry isn’t here. Seeing her father get beat like this…”
Thorax stared at him. “Wait, you’re seriously thinking of teaching your daughter this game? She’s only two for crying out loud!” he gasped in disbelief.
“M-Maybe…?” Shining stuttered out. “I just want her to see what games I enjoyed growing up, that’s all…”
“As sweet as it is, maybe wait a little, till she’s at least thirteen or something?” Thorax suggested. Shining laughed a little at that.
Spike gave a small cough, bringing attention back to himself. “As you all talk among yourselves…” the young drake announced, an evil smirk etching its way onto his face. Shining began biting his hooves in anticipation while Pharynx looked ready for combat, fangs bared once again.
“The monster lunged out of the darkness!” Spike announced. “It was none other than… The Demogorgon!”
“Ah knew it, ah knew it!” Big Mac said at once as Shining slammed his head on the table in what looked to be despair. Spike smirked as he slammed the Demogorgon’s card right on the game table.
“Now as we all know, to even have hopes of escaping the Demogorgon’s clutches, one of us must roll a seventeen or higher to succeed,” he reminded.
“Well, I say I’ll engage it head on!” Pharynx challenged before he clutched the die in his hoof tightly.
“Oh, risky move man,” Shining whispered as he trembled in his seat. “Wrong roll, and you get your career as a warrior cut short…”
“Don’t you know that ole song, you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em…” Big Mac put in, nodding along with Shining’s sentiments.
“Er… Last I checked this wasn’t poker,” Thorax remarked. “Pretty sure that’s a different night from what you guys told me earlier,”
“Same point,” Big Mac replied, casting a glance towards him.
“Well, either way…now for wrath, now for ruin…and now for that beautiful princess you guys told me was involved!” Pharynx proclaimed, before he tossed the die in a fateful roll.
Everypony groaned at the number Pharynx rolled. The fateful landing was a fifteen.
“Ooh! The Demogorgon lands a striking blow on you and tosses you into a wall with one of its two heads,” Spike winced.
“Oh, that sucked…” Thorax muttered and Pharynx for once, agreed with him.
“Yes, the suckage was major on that last bit,” Pharynx muttered to himself in disgust slamming a hoof on the table. He quietly swore to himself as Shining took the next roll and this time, landed a roll of eighteen.
“You strike the Demogorgon in the side with your sword, and it squeals in pain before roaring for backup! A flurry of arrows is launched at you from the Squizard’s skeleton pony troops!” Spike narrated.
Thorax quickly took the next roll, knowing a roll of fifteen or higher was needed to block the arrows with his shield. But he landed something a bit better, a natural twenty! Gasps echoed throughout the room at the lucky roll.
“You fire a blast of magic at the cave ceiling, and tons of rocks come down and crush the Demogorgon and the skeletons! A light from above shines in, a hole to escape!” Spike exclaimed. “You and your comrades quickly take your chance and escape to the overworld above you and out of the pits you were once in,”
“Can’t believe my own brother, who’s never played a game of this in his life and is a pacifist at heart, is getting the better rolls and leading us away from a monster and defeating it at that!” Pharynx exclaimed in disbelief.
Thorax put a hoof on his shoulder and smiled. “Hey, it’s just a game of chance. For all anyone knows, I could have gotten the whole lot of us killed with a bad roll and ended the game right then and there,” he explained. “Heck, you could have gotten a good roll and won the fight quite early on. Again, game of chance,”
“I say it’s rigged for Spike’s friends to win at everything…” Pharynx grumbled, hanging his head.
His little brother sighed to himself, then looked at Spike and mouthed “Can we be excused for a moment?”
Spike nodded and announced, “Ok, let’s take a five-minute recess. Refill the snacks and stuff.”
The stallions pulled away from the table. Thorax pulled Pharynx aside to another room, out of earshot.
“Hey, what’s up with you? Surely it’s not the game that’s getting to you, you just being bad at it?” Thorax asked kindly, looking his brother directly in the eyes.
“Might be a little of that…” the darker coated changeling grumbled.
“Hey, remember, we’ve all had some bad rolls in this game. Remember a few hours ago, when we were faced with that plant-faced monster? The…oh, I’ve forgotten what it’s called but that’s beside the point,” Thorax continued.
“Then what is the point?” Pharynx asked.
“Me and Big Mac, we got some pretty bad rolls back then didn’t we?” Thorax asked. “Hive Mother, as you might say… the suckage was major back there,”
Pharynx sniggered a little. “Yeah, you sorta were pretty unlucky back there. Got some very low rolls as we tried to escape that castle of doom…”
“But there’s more to it, isn’t there?” Thorax inquired.
Pharynx pawed at the floor with a hoof in embarrassment. Thorax quirked an eyebrow, he’d never seen his brother like this. Not even once.
“Alright...alright…” Pharynx admitted begrudgingly. “I sorta have this crush on Spike…”
“No... “ Thorax said in disbelief before he looked at Pharynx’s expression. It was a mix of shame and embarrassment. “Wait, you’re serious?”
“Yeah…you’ve told me the stories. How Spike saved the Crystal Empire from that ghost King, even got a statue out of it. Saved the Equestrian Games with one huge dragon breath, and even got Equestria to accept you of all changelings. ...He’s a true warrior. And yet, he’s closer to you than I am, so you’ve got a better chance with him than I do,” Pharynx muttered, still looking at the ground.
“Wait, wait, wait…you actually think I’ve got a crush on Spike? Hardly, we’re more like brothers!” Thorax clarified. “Besides, I’m a king now! I couldn’t just jump ship and go out and take Spike out on dates anytime I please,”
“Well, neither can I remember? I’m the Captain of the Guard, so I can’t just go AWOL on you all can I? And quit lying to yourself, I saw how you’ve been acting this entire evening. Even a blind ‘Ling can see you’ve got the googly eyes for him,” Pharynx pointed out.
Thorax hung his head. “...that bad huh?” he admitted.
Pharynx nodded before continuing. “Basically, neither of us is in a good position to date Spike. And that’s not even counting in the fact that we don’t even know if Spike swings our way…”
At that moment, there was the shattering of porcelain. Both Pharynx’s and Thorax’s heads whirled around to see Spike, staring slack-jawed in the middle of the doorway. A pile of chips and the remains of the bowl they were once in lay scattered across the marble floor.
“Spike?” Thorax cried, his wings flaring open. “We…we didn’t even hear you!”
“S-Sorry, I was just coming back from the kitchen with spare snacks for everybody, and then I happened to overhear your little conversation…” Spike admitted, rubbing a claw on the back of his head in embarrassment.
“How much did you hear?” Thorax asked, his cheeks flushing red.
“Um…about all of it?” Spike laughed nervously. “But honestly… I don’t know if can date either of you guys right now. I mean, I like you both! I really do, even you Pharynx…in your own way. But honestly… I’m really not entirely sure, like you said Pharynx, which side I swing towards. I mean, it’s hardly a secret I have a crush on Rarity…” Spike joked. Thorax chuckled at that.
“Wait, who’s this Rarity?” Pharynx hissed in jealousy. “I’ll deal with her and that’ll solve your problem!”
“Pharynx…” Thorax warned, after letting out a small sigh. “We’ve talked about this. No doing away with ponies or other changelings you’re jealous of. We don’t do that anymore, remember? We’re not dragons.” Thorax shot an apologetic glance in Spike’s direction. “Er… No offense.”
“Eh, none taken. Ember did mention to me once that dragons were very competitive over their life-mates,” Spike said, waving a claw dismissively before a thought came to Spike. “...wait, you’re not going to start clashing with your antlers for dominance like I’ve seen deer do anytime soon are you?”
“Er…no…” Thorax asked, looking a little taken aback. “Where’d you get such a silly idea like that?”
“Er…n-no reason…” Spike laughed nervously, glancing at Pharynx and then at his brother before looking at their antlers. “Listen, why don’t we finish this game first, and we’ll talk things over after, okay? I mean, getting into a relationship with either one of you isn’t sorta the kind of decision I can take lightly, right?”
Thorax chuckled and leaned down to nuzzle Spike affectionately. “That’s very mature of you Spike. Twilight would be proud of you. I can see why you’re the Princess of Friendship’s son.”
“Eh, it rubs off here and there…” Spike admitted. “Now, don’t we have a game to finish? The Squizard isn’t going to defeat himself, you know?”
Laughter filled the room as the threesome made their way back to a world of dungeons and dragons, a world full of adventure. The world of… Ogres & Oubliettes!
Author's Note
Okay.... Honestly, I had intended for this to be just plain off the walls comedy... But somehow it developed into this. Not quite sure how that happened really. Shrugs
