Equestria, April 18, 2020. 7:30 PM, Unknown time zone

I fell flat on my back, onto some rather hard ground.

It was very dark out, and trees surrounded me. I was in a clearing.

I coughed, and looked up, into the portal, only to see it seemingly shrinking above. I tried to stand, but couldn’t, watching the last vestige of hope leave with the portal.

Fuck me.

After the portal was gone, all I could see were the stars above, seemingly peaceful. With that thought, I began to drift off, to slee-

No, wait.

Voices.

Crunching of leaves under feet.

I rolled onto one side, my previous thoughts vanishing. Landing on my back knocked the wind out of me, coupled with a .45 to the chest. I quickly did a once over of my body, and found no obvious wounds. My sternum plate took it like a champ. As much as I wanted to get the hell out of here, I needed some time to recuperate, and be sure that nothing fell out in the portal. I did a silent inventory check, and everything was there. Then, the voices I heard earlier came back, louder this time, enough to make out words.

“Here?” said a female voice.

“Yeah, this is a great spot. Nopony is ever out here, makes it a great spot for…”

The male voice trailed off, but I was more confused about the words. No-pony? What the fuck? At least it was English, so a language barrier wouldn’t be a problem if I had to communicate.

“Is that why you dragged me out here? Because you wanted to, to ‘get close’ with me?”

“Well, maybe…”

I heard some shuffling, and what sounded like a whinny, before I heard the female voice again.

“Get off me!”

“Hehe, now I got you cornered, and you aren’t going anywhere. I got a beautiful mare, all to myself…”

At this point, I realized that I had just stumbled across a scene of horsey rape. Jesus Christ, fuck that shit!

“Did you hear that?” the male voice said.

“N-no. p-p-p-please l-let me g-go.” the female stuttered.

“Must be some enchantment. Heh, nice try, Snow.”

I realized I said that out loud, and silently cringed. Here I was, fancy special forces operative, stuck in some magic fairy-land, and I just said, “fuck that shit” out loud. Well, fuck.

I slowly got to one knee, making almost zero noise, and looked around to locate the voices. I looked over to my left and about 35 meters away there were two brightly colored horses, no, ponies? with a blue colored one on top of a smaller orange one. Even in the dark they stood out clear as day. I slowly moved over to a tree, still silent, to get a better look.

They were both about knee height, maybe a bit taller, and about 5 feet from nose to tail with weird symbols on their flanks. The blue one had a picture of a sword on its, and the orange one had a hammer and a horseshoe. As the orange one struggled, the blue one was enjoying itself, laughing as orange tried to escape.

“You’re staying right here, Snow, and you and I are gonna have a good time.”

The blue one was the male, and the orange one, presumably named Snow, was obviously female.

“P-p-please, no.” she squeaked.

At this point, I decided enough was enough. Weird talking horses or not, this was a scene of rape, and I do not stand for that. I stepped out of my hiding place, raised my rifle, audibly snicked the safety off and said, “Freeze, dirtbag. Get off the…” I searched for the right word, “Mare. Do it now.”

Really? Dirtbag? That’s the best you can come up with? How cliché.

The blue one stopped his assault, and slowly stepped off.

“And what kind of pony do you think you a-” he said, turning, before stopping and looking up at the sheer size of the thing in front of him. His face went pale and his mouth dropped open in surprise.

“Do I look like a pony to you, Fucknugget? Lay on the ground with your han- uhh, hoofs above your head.”

“Uhhh,” he said, unsure of me. “What are you gonna do if I don’t?” he said, regaining his confidence and adjusting his stance to a wider one.

“Put a bullet through your head so fast that you’ll never even see it coming.”

“The heck is a bullet?” he asked, his face twisting in confusion.

In response, I shifted my aim between his forelegs and cranked off a round, sending dirt flying into his face and underbelly and freaking him the hell out. A huge orange and yellow flash erupted from the muzzle. The report echoed through the forest.

“Celestia above! Please, don’t hurt me!” He said, instantly laying down and burying his face in between his outstretched legs.

That’s one way to do it.

Keeping my rifle on him, but putting the safety back on, I moved over to where he was and dropped one knee onto his back. Hard. He groaned in pain, with 220 pounds of me on him. I didn’t let up. Rape is rape, no matter the species.

“W-who are you?” the mare asked, also terrified.

“I’m Sergeant John Kent of Underdog Contracting. And you? Are you alright?” I replied.

“Y-yeah, just a bit shook… I’m Snowstorm, from Ponyville. This here is Vapor Wave, my coltfriend. Well, after this, ex-coltfriend.” She said, glaring at the form beneath me with adorable malice.

Adorable malice? Woah, haven’t said that in… ever.

I figured that “coltfriend” was the tiny talking pony version of boyfriend.

“Vapor Wave? What kind of name is that?” I said.

She looked at me in confusion. That seems to be the trend, recently.

“It’s a very normal name around here, but I guess that you’re not from around here, with a name like Jo-hne Ka-yen-t.” She sounded out my name like it was a foreign language. “And what is Underdog Contracting?” She asked, suddenly curious.

“It’s my company, who I work for.”

“What do they do?”

“Listen, lady, we don’t have time for this right now. We need to find the nearest law enforcement and get this scumbag locked up.”

“Well, we don’t have a police force anymore, but we could give him to the royal guards in Ponyville. Or we could just let him go and make him promise not to do anything like that again.”

No police force? What the hell, portal.

Now was the time to make a decision. Do we let him go, and risk this happening again? Or do we turn him in? As I thought, I realized that I probably don’t want to go trapezing into a town of intelligent horses with one of their own held like a hostage. Probably wouldn’t be good for PR.

I lifted my weight off of the blue horse, and he gasped in relief, rolling over onto his side.

"Owww..." he said, "How much do you weigh?"

"220. But that's not important right now, bub. Looks like today is your reprieve from the guy in the sky. I've decided to take your friend's advice. I'm gonna let you go. And I swear to the fucking lord that if you choose to attempt something like this again, I'll hunt you down and end you myself. Clear?"

He looked up at me, clearly terrified, and stammered "C-c-clear."

"Then get going."

The stallion got up and took off down the road, seeming to ignore his previous pain. I turned to Snowstorm.

"Now, what was this about a town?"

"Yeah, Ponyville. I live there. Where did you come from?"

"Some portal that I got shot into." I rubbed my eyes, suddenly tired. "I could really use some sleep..."

"Portal? That sounds like a Twilight thing."

"The Twilight Zone? That old TV show? No kidding."

"No, Twilight Sparkle. She's our resident Magic expert! What's TV?"

Magic? "Magic dosen't exist. It was science that did it."

"Maybe not where you're from, but here it's an everyday thing." She said, as if I should know this.

"Jesus, this place gets weirder and weirder."

I needed to get info, and this 'Twilight Sparkle' Snow kept talking about was a good shot.

"Alright," I said. "Lets see this 'Twilight Sparkle'. Lead the way."

Snow stood up and started trotting down the path, the same way that Wave guy went. I started after, but then stopped. Turning around, I remembered that I fired a shot off. I searched to the right of the path for about 15 seconds and found the singular brass casing. It glinted in the moonlight, making it easy to spot. I picked it up, stuffing it into a pocket. Always police your brass, especially in a foreign environment. Then, I took the mag out of my rifle and replaced it with a fresh one. 30 + 1.

"You coming or not, Mister?" Snow called from down the path.

"Yeah, just a sec!"

I got up and jogged down to where she was waiting and we started off, down the path. As we were walking, she began asking me questions. Things like:

"Are you married?"

"No, I'm single."

"What's that thing you scared Vapor with?"

"My gun."

"What's a gun?"

"Its a weapon from where I'm from, kinda like a really fast bow and arrow."

"Ohh I see! What's TV?" Sigh. It never ends.

She kept asking questions, nonstop. Most of my answers just gave way to more questions. The path was still leading through the forest, twisting and turning every which way. It was still dark, but there was just enough light to see the path ahead. A couple times I thought I saw hostiles, but it was just a squirrel or a rabbit or something, running away in fright. I wasn't exactly friendly-looking, and the shot earlier probably didn't help. I was glad that Snow had finally warmed up to me, and she was happily walking alongside, asking her questions and listening intently to my answers. Her huge green eyes looked up at me with curiosity.

After what felt like an eternity, we finally came upon a small, handwritten sign that read Ponyville, 2 miles. Snow pranced over to it and said with a toothy smile, "See, almost there!" In the distance I could see what looked like a really big tree, and a couple other high buildings, all brightly colored. The path became a cobblestone road, and a couple small houses were nearby. A stream ran by the left side of the road, and up the path a bit was a bridge leading to a little cottage. Streetlamps lit up the darkness, making it far easier to see.Seems nice enough.

We started walking again, and the uneven cobblestones were hell on my feet.

"Hey, Snow?" I began.

"Yes?"

"... Do I look threatening?"

She paused, looking me up and down, and after about 30 seconds, she said, "Nope! Not at all!"

"You sure?"

"Yep!"

"Okey Dokey." I obviously looked threatening, but gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe my garb wasn't threatening to them.

We kept walking down the path. It seemed completely deserted. Everything was closed down, and it almost felt abandoned. A couple times I saw huge eyes peeking out from closed shutters before quickly pulling back.

"Where is everybody?" I inquired.

"You mean, everypony?"

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Where are they?"

"I don't know... most people are still out at this time. Maybe Vapor talked about you and scared everyone. Same thing happened a while back with a zebra..."

"Didn't you say I don't look threatening?" I asked.

"You don't! Well, at least not to me."

I shook my head, sighing. "Where does Sparkle live?"

Snow pointed to the big-ass tree in the middle of town. "There!" she replied cheerfully.

You have got to be kidding me... she lives in a fucking TREE?

After about 10 minutes, we arrived. Looking up close, it seemed much more inviting. There was a balcony and some windows, and on the side nearest to us there was a sign with a book and the words Golden Oak Library written in cursive. There were streetlamps all around, making it very well lit. The door was arched, and had a little candle picture on the front. Snow just trotted right up, raised a hoof and knocked, three times. About 2 minutes later, the door creaked open, and a mid-sized purple pony looked back at us. The symbol on her flank was a light purple six sided star surrounded by a few other white stars. That explains 'Sparkle'. Looking closer I could see a horn on her head.

Wait a minute.

Unicorn

This Sparkle character was a unicorn. What next, flying horses? That also explains the magic...

Anyways, She opened the door and in a shaky voice, asked "C-can I help you?" She was obviously terrified of me, trying not to look but still sneaking glances occasionally.. Snow launched into a story, about what happened, how I had saved her from getting sexually assaulted, how I really wasn't as scary as I looked, how nice I was, et cetera. I resisted the urge to say otherwise, I could be plenty scary, but held my tongue and waited patiently. After Snow was done, Sparkle seemed a bit more relaxed, a look of relief on her face.

"You say you came through a portal?" She asked me, a look of curiosity on her face.

"Yes, ma'am. That is correct."

She stroked her chin with a hoof. "Hmm, curious, do you mind if I study you for a few minutes?" She said. What?

"Um, Maybe later, but right now I'd like to figure out how to get home. Snow here said you were the resident magic expert. Can you help me get back to Earth?"

"Earth? You mean that Mythical land where two legged, bipedal creatures called humans li-" She stopped mid- sentence, looking at me truly for the first time. Her pupils shrunk and her jaw dropped.

"You-you-you're a r-r-real human?" She stumbled over her words.

"I KNEW IT!" shouted Snow, jumping up and down with a look of extreme excitement on her face. "I knew you were a human!!!" Snow did a little 'happy dance' turning in circles and jumping about before looking at me with a grin. Sparkle finally snapped out of her stupor and looked up at me with a massive smile, before running behind me and trying to nudge me into the library. She was surprisingly strong, but still couldn't budge me. She gave up soon after.

"Come on, go in!" she said, barely able to contain her excitement.

I walked on in, of my own accord to a very cozy little room, that seemed to be cut out of the tree itself. Surprisingly, the room was tall enough for me to stand in. I didn't even hit my head on the door. There was a little table in the center of the room with some books laying haphazardly opened on it, and huge bookshelves towered over even me, a 6'3 human. There had to be hundreds of books around, in this one small room. A staircase led off to the right, up to a closed door. Candles flickered in holders along the walls, lighting the room brightly.

"Nice place" I drily commented. Sparkle ran about, presumably searching for a book or something. Snow ran about, awash in excitement. These ponies sure were excitable. I have got to stop saying 'excited'. I unslung my rifle and leaned it against a wall, then took my pack off and set it next to my rifle.

"Ah-ha! Found it!" Sparkle pulled down a old, dusty book from a top shelf with her teeth and scurried to the center table, pushing aside other books as she hurriedly opened the tome to a page in the middle of the book. I bent over, looking over her shoulder at the illustration of a naked male, in the classic Da Vinci pose, arms and legs out. She was reading a large block of text, and looking up at me occasionally, as if to confirm it. I shifted a bit, a little uncomfortable under her stares. Snow had tired herself out with all the running and was laying on her stomach on the ground, breathing heavily but still grinning wildly.

"Ahem," Sparkle looked at me, blushing a little. "Mister Kent, was it- Can I call you John? I need you to, um..." She trailed off.

"What?" I said, a blank look on my face.

"Well, to confirm the facts in the book, I need you to, um..."

Trying to make a joke, I said, "What, you need me to strip down or something?"

Her face turning an even darker shade of red, she said, "Y-yes, actually. But it's just to confirm the facts! I'm no Lyra, with her human romance stories. Oh, that reminds me, you may want to steer clear of a mint green unicorn with a harp cutie mark. She's, ahem, into, humans, if you know what I mean."

"I don't know how I feel about that.." I said. That would be like a human jerking off to horses. Beastiality. Not ok. And what the fuck is a 'cutie mark'?

"Please, I just want to confirm the facts presented here! No more, No less." Sparkle was hiding behind her hooves now.

"How about I look at the book and tell you whether it's right or not? Will that work?" I said, hoping to god that I wouldn't have to undress in front of talking ponies. But as I was taught back in ranger school, when in an unfamiliar environment, do what you can to fit in or gain local favor. I still didn't want to undress.

"Yes, yes, that should be fine," She said, looking away in embarrassment. I took the book, holding it up so I wouldn't have to kneel. Pretty standard biology textbook-esque drawings, and some info. However, I noticed something was wrong pretty damn quick.

"Uh, Sparky, it says that humans will die if we don't eat meat. This is entirely untrue. Many humans are vegetarian, and don't eat meat at all."

"Huh? That's one of the most well established things about humans! You're telling me it's wrong?! And don't call me Sparky!" Sparkle said, giving me that same adorable malice look that I'd seen on Snow earlier.

"Yes, Twilight, that's what I'm telling you. You wanna believe your old book or the real thing?" I replied, looking her square in the eye, trying to recreate her look.

"I'll have to write this down somewhere!" She exclaimed. I got the uncanny feeling that she was an academic type. Perusing the other information on the page, I saw a few other minor errors, but the book was surprisingly accurate. I pointed them out and she scribbled them down in a notebook, using her horn to counjure some weird aura around the book and pen, levitating them as she wrote. Woah, that's neat.

"Fascinating... You're a gold mine of information! I can do so much with this! I'll be famous!" She said, ecstatic.

"Look, that sounds great and all, but what about getting me back home? Can you do that?" I asked, exasperated.

"Oh! Yes, I may be able to. It will take some time, though..."

"How much time?"

"Well, probably about... a week. Maybe two."

"A whole fucking week? What the hell am I supposed to do until then??!"

"I don't know, just hang around the town, talk to some ponies. I can offer you a room here if you'd like, free of charge. Plus, I don't think you have any money to begin with, do you?"

Nope. All I had was a few 20's, good 'ole USD. I shook my head in the negative. Snow piped up from across the room.

"He could stay at my place! I've got the room, and I don't get company very often."

"No, he should stay here, that way I can study him for further research!"

The two mares argued for a bit, going back and forth, before I cleared my throat.

"Why don't I pick where I want to stay?"

"Yeah, let him pick!" Snow said.

I didn't really feel like spending my time being poked and prodded by Twilight, so my choice was clear.

"I'll stay with Snow."

She smiled widely and Sparkle scowled.

"Fine. But I want you over every day, from two to four PM!" Twilight demanded.

"Sure. Not like I'll have much else to do."

Snow opened her mouth to say another word, but a hard pound at the door stopped her. I stepped back, a little nervous. Who's knocking at the door?

"I got it." Twilight walked over and opened the door before I could protest.

Faster than the blink of an eye, I felt myself tackled at a high velocity onto the ground. My instincts kicked in, and I immediately drove a knee up into the form atop me, eliciting a yelp from it. The figure rolled off and stood, in a four legged wide stance, ready to fight. I slowly raised, coughing from the impact, and took a look at my assailant. A cyan pony, with magenta eyes and a rainbow colored mane, stood across from me, face in a snarl, wings out.

Wings?!

A pegasus. Jesus, could this day get any weirder.

Author's Note

Well, that escalated quickly. Hopefully you enjoyed it, and please leave some criticism in the comments if needed. The 4th chapter will be out next month, hopefully.