You are Anonymous, the only human and one of the few NEETs in Equestria. You wish you could do something about it, but in a world where you don't have your special talent tattooed on your ass for all the world to see... you can't fly nor do magic either, and you suck ass at farming and stuff.
Truth be told, you suck ass at practically everything. You could probably learn to do something, but the will to even begin to try has long left you.
Originally when you found yourself in Equestria, you had a brief surge of newfound energy, it almost felt like you were ready for a new beginning, prepared to finally take on the challenges of life.
Obviously, you were mistaken. Months later, life has once again become unbearable, and it only hurts further to know that in all likelihood, you have no one to blame but yourself.
You had briefly studied some basic philosophy and read up on free will and stuff like that, trying hard to convince yourself that you weren't in control since everything that was happening - your situation, your thoughts, brain states and everything you felt at any moment - had already been 'decided' at the moment of the big bang, and so nothing was really your fault... but unsurprisingly, it hadn't worked at all.
In a different dimension now, you couldn't even consider that anymore.
Currently lying in bed, you're staring at the ceiling. It must be about one in the morning, and you have rarely slept that bad.
Despite going to bed in the early afternoon, you didn't fall asleep until what, nine-thirty? Tossing and turning in your own sweat for over eight hours until you finally found sleep, what followed were barely three hours of restless sleep.
Dream upon atrocious dream ensured that you woke up feeling absolutely awful.
And by atrocious dreams you mean actually pleasant, hopeful dreams. What little happiness you had found in your slumber was shattered as reality came crashing down, your blank empty room reminding you of just how bad being awake felt.
You rub the corners of your sleepy eyes, wincing in pain as your comparatively rough fingers make contact with the skin, left dry and sensitive from the tears.
Lying there, unmoving, you wonder for the umpteenth time exactly what it will take for you to finally find the guts to-
A loud crash causes you to sit up in bed, still groggy from the lack of sleep.
That didn't appear to have come from your flat, but rather from the one next to yours. You didn't even know you actually had a neighbor, you never heard a sound coming from there before.
You should probably check it out... as cripplingly lonely and depressed as you are, you're surprisingly not that inept at social interactions. It's just that they're deeply unwanted in general, every time you have to see people (or ponies) going on about their lives, smiling... it fucking hurts, more than you can put into words.
Still, you manage to get up and throw on some shitty clothes before opening your front door and knocking on the one right next to it.
You wait a bit but no answer comes. Knocking again, you decide to place your ear against the door, raising an eyebrow when you hear the faint sound of sobbing.
"Are you okay?" you ask through the closed door, but when you still get no reply, you decide to take matters into your own hands (or rather, feet), throwing a kick slightly below the handle. The locking mechanism shatters under the pressure and the door snaps open, but you sort of wish it hadn't.
Your heart is torn to pieces as you stare at the desolate sight before you. A large noose is hanging from a ceiling beam, a broken stool lies on its side, next to an equally broken mare. She's lying on the wooden floor, her little body racking with sobs.
Ignoring the welling in your eyes, you dash across the room and kneel next to the crying pony, hugging her tight.
"Are you alright?"
God, what an asinine fucking question. Does she look remotely fucking alright to you?
You're honestly not surprised when she doesn't even acknowledge you.
Between the sleep deprivation and sudden emotional overload, you don't know what compels you to do it but you scoop her up in your arms, quickly run outside and back into your own home, closing the door with a hand before placing the little pony down on your couch.
Not even bothering to look back at her, you rush into your room and grab a bunch of pillows and blankets, bringing them back into the living room. You then begin to build a comfy, warm pillow fort of sorts on your equally comfy couch, placing the little pony in the warmest, fluffiest spot you can find.
It might be a warm autumn night, but she looks like she hasn't had a proper meal in weeks.
You slip below the blankets next to her, holding her tight and gently stroking her back. Her fur is surprisingly soft despite being matted with grime and what you can only hope isn't the sort of bodily fluids you're thinking about.
She doesn't stop crying even though it slows down gradually until she's gently sobbing, her muzzle pressed tightly against your warm chest.
As for yourself, you had long stopped fighting the tears. Her smelly, unwashed and now damp black mane still feels more comforting against your face than anything you had felt in... about fourteen billion years. At least that's what it feels like.
But for the first time ever, crying feels almost good, like you're actually managing to evacuate some of the pain.
Eventually the both of you calm down, breathing erratically and sniffing loudly.
"Are you alright?" you re-ask, still wondering why you don't shut the fuck up or something.
"N-no," a raspy, broken voice replies. "It hurts so much..."
"I know," you reply flatly, causing her to whip her head around to stare at you with an unreadable expression on her face. Perhaps because her clumped, greasy and unkempt mane covers most of it.
"What do you know?" she asks, her voice suddenly clear and significantly louder. "How would you know how much it fucking hurts to be alone all the time? To be so useless, no special talent, no friends, no boyfriend, no anything! No reason to live, EVERY REASON TO FUCKING END IT ALL!"
You simply stare at her angry face, fresh tears freely flowing down your face.
"I would know everything about that, believe me," you faintly reply, her expression suddenly softening.
"Y-you mean..."
"Yes, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. But unlike the gutless fuck that I am, you'd managed to find the courage to..." you trail off, her body language being more than sufficient to know she gets it.
Holding her tight for a little longer, you sigh in... whatever that emotion even is, you don't remember it. Relief?
"You're so warm," you sigh into her mane, sniffing deeply into it. As smelly as she is, you don't mind, for whatever reason.
After a while, you begin to feel a damp heat on your thigh and something repeatedly poking against it.
Does she have a fucking di- wait, no, mares... right, they have those weird whack-a-mole clits that keep popping out. Is she aroused?
You gently turn her head with a hand to face you, her body as close to yours as physically possible despite her every attempt at avoiding eye contact. Her breathing is definitely louder and faster than before... yeah, somehow you were turning her on.
"Hey, it's okay," you gently reassure the adorable little mare.
"H-how is it okay? Some... strange alien creature barely saved my life and an hour later, I'm in his bed, w-winking..."
"Couch," you correct, bringing a hand down her barrel.
"W-what are you doing?"
"Showing you just how okay this is," you smile, softly biting down on her ear as your fingers graze her burning lips. Her legs basically lock around your hand, her face buried in your neck as you keep nibbling on her ear, your fingers busy pleasuring the previously sad little horse.
You are Floor Bored, and you don't really know what's going on anymore. Barely an hour ago, you were ready to finally end it... but you couldn't even do that right. Fumbling with the noose, trying to get it around your worthless neck, you somehow fell off, broke the stool and hurt your head against the cold, hard floor.
Then, this weird hairless monkey thing showed up, carried you into his flat, hugged you and... right now you're riding the afterglow of what was easily the most powerful orgasm you've ever had. You came like you never did before, spraying cum and piss on his thighs and lower chest, and strangely enough he didn't seem to mind. It's now been a few minutes and not only has he not withdrawn his fingers from inside of your needy snatch, but he also seems to be able to ignore the stench.
As you feel him move his appendages inside of you, you clench his arm with both hooves.
"Please... s-sensitive... leave them inside, no moving... please..."
You moan into his warm clothed chest, basking in the knowledge that you're hugging a stallion you just pissed and came on, and his fingers are still deep within you. Well, he's not exactly a stallion, but it really doesn't matter. Those fingers... you so wanna fall asleep with them still inside.
As a previously thought to be worthless human, you're not sure what to make of this situation. Let's assess... pony about to die, you bring her home, cuddle with her, finger her and fall asleep snuggled tightly against her impossibly warm body.
For the first time in so long, death doesn't sound like the preferable option anymore. This mare clearly needs you, and you need her just as much.
The two of you slept through the entire night, waking up in the late morning. Despite you, her and the various pillows and comforters aroung being covered in nothing but filth, grime and various bodily fluids, you feel better and more rested than you did in so many years. Not even the stench of dried up piss and sweat can ruin this moment for you, and neither can it for her as it appears.
It took a while but you finally managed to get her to agree to take a shower. You had to be here, wash her yourself and get her off four times before she would let your hands wander away from her rump, but honestly you enjoyed every second of it.
You then cooked her a nice meal, she looked as though she hadn't eaten in days, possibly longer than that. Despite being a useless fuck, you know how to cook and aren't half bad at it. You're no chef or anything, but your own prepared meals were always the highlight of the day (if you could call it that).
Of all the potential ways to die you had been considering over the past year or so, starvation had never even crossed your mind.
Sitting on your bed (you're pretty sure you're gonna need a new couch) with the little mare, you eventually realize that you fingered her to orgasm five times and slept next to her in her own juices, but you haven't even kissed her...
Time to learn more about your potential partner in what could only become a really fucked up relationship. Starting with her name.
"Floor Bored," she replies, her voice sounding much more confident than last night.
"Anon," you 'introduce' yourself.
"What are you?" she asks in an emotionless tone.
"Just one of the countless failures brought forth by a four billion year unbroken chain of self-replicating molecules and shit, I guess."
She doesn't look too convinced.
"And you're really in the same boat as me?"
"Yup," you reply with surprising ease. It's weird to feel like you're not the most pathetic one in this situation... or any situation, really.
"What are you doing?" she asks as you lower your head close to hers.
"What we've both been desperately needing for the longest time," you reply softly as you press your lips against her muzzle.
Before you can even begin to kiss her properly, her flat, large tongue darts out of her mouth and invades yours, licking every square millimeter it can access. She wraps her forelegs around your neck, easily overpowering you out of sheer surprise.
Now on top, she begins to loudly moan as her tongue thrashes around, licking the inside of your mouth as well as your lips, chin and generally everything it has access to.
She obviously has no experience and no idea how to kiss, but the sheer passion she's putting into this makes it the most amazing kiss you've ever had. Not like you've had good ones in the past, but that's all irrelevant now.
She breaks the kiss, literally panting as her tongue lolls out of her mouth, her eyes filled with crazed lust.
You're not sure you're gonna have time to do anything before she- yep, no, there go your pants.
hello boner my old friend, I'm about to use you again
The sex was absolutely mind-blowing, for the both of you. She has no stamina and you're pretty sure half of her body weight is piss, but goddamn she's so adorable and needy, you've been wanting- no, you've been needing this your entire life.
The both of you now have a reason to live, and you suddenly feel like maybe, just maybe, things are going to be fine.
A few days later
"B-but I don't wanna!" Floor complains as you physically drag her out of your flat.
"I told you, you look beautiful with your mane combed."
"But ponies are gonna see my eyes!"
"Those beautiful green orbs? Would be a shame to hide them."
"A-Anon... I'm scared..."
"I know Floor, but I'm here, aren't I?"
"I guess... but why do we have to go out anyway? You always make us food!"
"We can't have a date in my kitchen with home-made food, now can we?"
"A date?"
"It's Hearts and Hooves day."
She suddenly bolts inside, escaping your grip and locking herself in the bathroom.
"Floor..." you bring a hand to your temple.
Guess her NEET level was higher than yours to begin with.
A few hours later
You're sitting at a local bar, tearing into your hamburger. You were absolutely delighted to learn that meat was available in Ponyville, apparently it's not unheard of for a pony to eat some meat every now and then, although red meat remains somewhat controversial. You have no idea if this steak you're stuffing into your mouth was made from a sentient talking cow, but at this moment you don't care.
Both your and Floor's manners are a little less than refined, and practically everypony around you is staring in disgust, bits of bread and meat flying around in a cartoonish fashion.
It feels so amazing to be able to not only enjoy life, but enjoy it without a care for those around you... no longer do you feel any jealousy or animosity. Hell, you barely acknowledge that Floor and you aren't the only two living beings in this world.
But sadly that's a fact, reminded to you by a waiter approching your table, raising a hoof to parry a piece of onion flying out of your girlfriend's burger.
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," he tells her sternly, ignoring you for some reason.
"B-but," she points a hoof at you, as if to say 'look at this shit'.
"He's a monster, I suppose it is normal eating manners for him... but I would expect better of a pony. Please leave or I'll call security."
"Security in a restaurant?"
He still ignores you, his glare fixated on Floor, who's sinking in her chair.
You feel your authority is being seriously undermined by this quadrupedal fuck, and you're about to rectify that.
You get up, towering over the four-ish feet tall stallion, placing your arms akimbo.
Channeling your inner Cartman, you get ready to shout the most awful and insulting thing you can think of.
"BARBRA STREISAND!"
The entire restaurant - including Floor - just stare at you, and you suddenly remember why you had decided a while ago to stop channeling your inner anything and just try to be a normal fucking person.
"What I meant was," you place a hand around Floor's frozen neck, her mouth hanging limply with half-chewed food still inside, "leave her alone. I don't wanna cause a scene, if you let me stuff my face like that, you will let her do the same. If you don't, that's discrimination, and that's seriously uncool. I'm talking, 'bitch I'm gonna get the fucking Elements of Harmony to blast your ass all the way to fucking Tartarus, you little cunt fuck you' type of uncool."
He nods after a few moments and walks back slowly into the kitchen, shaking his head.
Authority status: respected
You feel whole again, despite fearing you couldn't actually bother the national heroes just for some random waiter dissin' your bitch.
"I... thanks for standing up for me, Anon."
"Don't thank me, what kind of a boyfriend would I be if I didn't defend you?"
"I guess... it's not like I had ever expected to have a boyfriend."
"But now you do. So tell me, how does that feel?"
"Having a boyfriend?"
"Yeah, I mean this whole thing... you know, us being here on Hearts and Hooves day, eating burgers and stuff outside like two normies or something?"
"It feels... surprisingly good. I could get used to this," she smiles warmly.
"So could I."
After finishing your meal, you sit next to a smiling and deeply content Floor Bored, patting her full belly with a hoof.
"It was good, wasn't it?"
"Yeah... say Anon, you know what would be even better?"
"No?"
"If you fucked me in the bathroom real quick."
Goddammit, Floor.
"Lead the way."
Author's Note
This is uncomfortably close to being a straight up self-insert. Fuck everything.
