Princess Celestia, a huge, towering, alabaster alicorn had a most somber look on her face as she sat on her throne, reading a piece of parchment. Her pastel hair flowed lightly in a non existent breeze. Her rump was mighty and large, befitting her glorious majesty.
“This doesn't look good. Why are so many of my little ponies committing such petty crimes as of late? Stealing food, punching a homeless pony, dressing up as a homeless pony to get a free dinner in a homeless shelter?” She threw the parchment aside, raising her hooves high into the air and shouting. “The list goes on!”
“My royal guard are useless!” she roared. The two guards near her throne lost their composure, and looked down at the ground sadly. “Do I really have to get up off my ass to do work?”
Celestia brought a hoof to her chin, humming thoughtfully. “Hmm, perhaps I could bring forth the greatest dealer of justice known to the multiverse!" she shouted dramatically.
With that, her horn glowed with golden light. A moment later, there came a flash of blinding light, followed by the appearance of an armoured hulk of a human standing before her throne. He had a somewhat Roman Legionary appearance, crossed with a medieval knight wearing plate armour.
“How may I be of service, your majesty?” he spoke in a powerful, authoritative voice.
“Imperial Legion from Cyrodiil, we have heard many a tale of your fantastic law enforcement powers. We believe you are the one to clean these streets up from criminal scum.”
“Criminal scum?” he growled angrily. “Say no more. I already feel my criminal scum sense tingling.”
With that the Imperial Legionary dashed out of the throne room, into the streets of Canterlot to deal with criminal scum.
Elsewhere, a light blue earth pony in a dark and shady bar picked up a wooden fork off a table, sneakily putting it away in a grey haversack on his back.
His ears twitched, upon hearing the loud sound of clanking steel boots approaching from behind him.
“Stop right there criminal scum! Nobody breaks the law on my watch! I'm confiscating your stolen goods, now pay your fine, or it's off to jail.”
“What?” he asked in a most bewildered tone. “I haven’t stolen anything. I'm not going anywhere with you!”
“Then pay with your blood!” he roared, pulling out a longsword, and in quick session he decapitated the pony, leaving him dead on the floor in a pool of blood.
Everypony screamed, trotting out as fast as they could.
The Legionary then leaned forward to check his neck for signs of life by placing his hand there.
“Body's still warm. Looks like there's a killer about.”
With that over with, he took the wooden fork out of the haversack and placed it back on the table.
A moment later, a guards pony, armed with a spear made his way into the bar. He gasped in shock upon seeing the dead pony at the Legionary’s feet.
“By Celestia's royal backside, you just murdered him!” he shouted.
“He resisted arrest when I caught him stealing that wooden fork!” he shouted, pointing at the wooden fork on the table.
Some part of the guards pony wanted to object, but strangely enough he found himself agreeing with him.
“My apologies, fellow royal guard. The stealing of wooden forks is indeed a most serious crime. You did what was necessary in dealing with that criminal scum when he resisted arrest.”
“Bye.” the Legionary simply said in response.
With that, the Legionary walked out of the bar, in search of more criminal scum. He patrolled the streets, giving welcoming greetings to everypony he passed by, saying ‘Greetings citizen.’ and warning them of the dangers of mudcrabs.
Most criminal ponies dared not to do anything criminal of the sort when this Legionary was on watch. The news of the pony being decapitated in the bar spread like wildfire. The few that continued to do crime, surrendered without protest to him, not wanting to meet the same fate as the wooden fork thief.
The streets of Canterlot were soon cleaned of all criminal scum. The royal guard ponies looked on in awe as the Legionary brought droves of criminal scum to jail.
Back in the throne room, Celestia was being given a harsh look by a dark blue alicorn, nearly as large as her, standing before her throne.
“The new royal guard just killed somepony for stealing a wooden fork.”
Celestia smiled nervously. “Luna, I’ll just replace his sword with a wooden one.”
“No. We must send him back to where he came from. I'm sorry, Celestia. But we need to get up off our fat asses to deal with the crime.”
“But…. but… my butt will get smaller if I do work.”
“It could lose a few pounds.”
Celestia growled angrily, crossing her hooves. “Grrr, fine!”
Her horn glowed with a blinding light, summoning forth the Legionary.
"Guard, I'm sorry, but you must be dismissed.”
The Legionary gasped in horror, tears forming in his eyes.
“Celestia, wait. I have so much criminal scum to deal with.” he said in a low voice.
“I'm sorry. But you are far too zealous.”
Celestia lit up her horn with a golden light, and with a flash, he was gone.
“There goes the greatest royal guard that ever served.” Celestia said somberly, wiping a tear away with a hoof.
“Come on now, get up off thine fat ass and get to work!” shouted Luna.
Celestia sighed. "I’ll have to eat twice as much cake to stop my backside from becoming bony thin."
And so Princess Celestia needed to get up off her royal backside to do some actual work for once. There was no lazy way to fix crime. And the next pony who was caught stealing a wooden fork wasn't decapitated. Many Royal Guards revered this legionary as the greatest Royal Guard that ever served. He was overzealous in his ways, but he got the job done in the end.
The End
