Fluttershy and the Janitor

It was a fine day. Not an especially great day, or even one that was all that good. Had most people been asked how that particular day was- -if they were even able to recall it- -they would have replied with an emphatic “fine”. It was the sort of day late enough in the school year for the novelty of it to have worn off and for the summer to have become something of a distant memory, but not far enough yet that winter break and the associated Hearthswarming vacation could be reasonably hoped for. Half the days were chilly but not cold, and the other half were sweaty and excessively warm.

Had it been a Friday, it probably would have been a good day. However, this particular day was a Monday. Throughout the town, the various students and teachers were begrudgingly returning to Canterlot High, whether in droves or otherwise.

On the morning of this particularly fine day, three high-school girls were walking together on the way to morning classes: Rainbow Dash and Rarity, who lived relatively close to one another on the most mundane of possible cul-de-sacs, and Fluttershy, who lived somewhere in the undeveloped forests outside of town. Where she lived exactly was something of a mystery, and there were several rumors that she ordinarily rode a deer to school every day. These were, of course, false, as it was an elk (named Jeremy) and she did not in fact ride him every single day.

Fluttershy, as per usual, was remaining relatively quiet, listening to her friends regaling her with the story of their weekend. Apparently, they had visited Cloudsdale- -Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash’s home town- -with Rarity’s father, who had been serving as a correspondent for the semifinals of the Cloudsdale Derby. Rainbow Dash was, of course, ecstatic, while Rarity appeared to have only found the whole situation bearable because of Rainbow Dash’s presence.

“Oh!” said Rarity suddenly. She reached into her purse. “That reminds me! Fluttershy, I found something for you at the airport!”

“For me?” Fluttershy was surprised. “Oh, Rarity, you didn’t have to get me anything!”

“Nonsense, darling! You know how much I enjoy giving my friends things that I know they’ll simply adore!”

“Oh, no,” said Rainbow Dash, rolling her eyes. “Rarity, I thought you were joking!”

“I never joke about perfume, darling,” said Rarity. Rarity produced a rather elegant looking but very small crystal bottle.

“Even if it smells funny? Because that one smells REAL funny.”

“I’m not exactly a perfume kind of person,” said Fluttershy. “It irritates the animals. And my sinuses.”

“Those animals are the problem. At least in this respect.”

“I don’t understand.”

“She means you smell like you have thirty cats.”

“But I do have thirty cats.”

“Yes. But you don’t need to smell like a zoo. Here.” Rarity spritzed some of the perfume into Fluttershy’s face. The effect was immediate. Her eyes began watering and she started choking on the profound smell of purified fancy.

“My asthma,” squeaked Fluttershy.

“It’s called ‘Flemish Innocence’,” said Rarity, smiling. “When I smelled it, I just couldn’t help but think of you!”

“It’s…certainly…strong…”

“That would be the musk.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “It had better be artificial musk,” she said. “Do you have any idea where musk comes from?”

“Musk dear, I know.” Rarity shivered. “But there’s no need to worry. I would simply never buy a product that comes from deer, especially ones with…fangs.” Rarity’s shiver became a shudder.

“Well…at least it’s environmentally considerate,” said Fluttershy, trying to smile through her now bloodshot eyes.

“I told you she wouldn’t like it,” said Rainbow Dash. “I mean, come on! ‘Flemish Innocence’? It has ‘phlegm’ right in the name!”

Rarity glowered. “Flemish, Rainbow Dash. Het is een regio in België!”

“Those aren’t even real words! And besides, how good can it be? You bought it in a duty-free shop.”

“Your point?”

“Well, if they have to advertise that there isn’t any duty in it- -”

“THAT ISN’T WHAT IT MEANS!” Rarity cleared her throat. “It refers to international taxes. You would know that if you paid attention in economics rather than painting your desk in drool.”

“I can’t help it! It just comes out when I’m sleeping! Or looking at a big pile of beef stroganoff- -” She caught Fluttershy looking at her. “I- -I mean TOFU stroganoff.”

“And I assure you,” said Rarity, seeming somewhat insulted by Rainbow Dash’s behavior. “My sense for scents is impeccable!”

“So is mine! I smell awesome!”

“Darling, body spray is not a substitute for showers.”

“It doesn’t say that on the label!”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking,” said Fluttershy, looking confused.

“Unfortunately, she’s not,” said Rarity, rolling her eyes.

“You’re just jealous! I’ve seen the commercials! Body spray attracts ALL the women! And the TV said it, so it must be true!”

“Men, darling.”

“What?”

“Men. Your goal is to attract men.”

“You said ‘women’. You meant men.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes flitted to Fluttershy nervously, and then she laughed awkwardly. “Ha! Yeah! My bad! Men! I meant I wanted to attract MEN. Not girls. Why would I want girls attracted to me? That would be silly, Fluttershy!”

“I didn’t say anything,” said Fluttershy, confused.

“Oh, yeah. It’s because you’re so quiet, sometimes I can’t tell.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” said Rarity. “Frankly, Rainbow Dash, you could learn a thing or two from Fluttershy.”

“About what? Animals?”

“About being demure and alluring.”

“I’m plenty alluring!” She looked to Fluttershy. “What does ‘alluring mean’?”

“It means attractive,” said Rarity. “Why, I would be willing to bet every diamond currently on my person that Fluttershy will have a boyfriend before you!”

“How many diamonds do you have on your person?” asked Fluttershy.

“Darling, a girl can never have too many diamonds!”

“But aren’t you afraid somebody will rob you?”

Rarity’s pupils narrowed. “If somebody tries to separate my from jewelry, I will separate his head from his body.”

“Fine,” said Rainbow Dash. “Sure. You know I can’t turn down a good bet.”

“Because you’re a compulsive gambler?” asked Pinkie Pie.

The entire group screamed and jumped back. Fluttershy, of course, produced an adorable squeak instead of an outright scream.

“PINKIE!” cried Rarity, putting her hand on her chest to steady her racing heart as soon as she realized exactly who had managed to surprise them so badly. “Where did you come from?”

“A consummation ritual at the base of the Choosing Stone,” said Pinkie matter-of-factly. “It’s actually a pretty cool ritual. Unless you’re the mop guy.” She shuddered. “I do NOT envy him.”

“Don’t sneak up on us like that!” cried Rainbow Dash. “I’m pretty sure you made Fluttershy pee!”

“A little,” admitted Fluttershy.

“Oh come on,” said Pinkie Pie. “Who hasn’t made Fluttershy pee? The real question is, did I pee?”

“Did you?”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

Rarity was partially regaining her composure. “Pinkie, don’t you ordinarily ride the bus?”

“And live on the opposite side of town?”

“Yes to both. But I got banned.”

“How do you get banned from riding the bus?”

Pinkie Pie leaned in close. There was a long silence as she looked around, suspicious of anything and everything. Then she whispered. “Silly string…”