The plan unfolded, albeit slowly. The town in which Canterlot High resided- -it did not have a name- -had a reasonably good sized police station. The town jail was in the basement, while the upper portion contained the offices of the various officers that milled about and did police things.

This day was no different. People milled about slowly; not much crime was committed in this unnamed town in general. Two officers sat at the front desk being bored. One of them had his hand down his pants.

“I’m not one to judge,” said the other. “But what are you doing?”

“There’s a lump. I’m dying. It’s testicular cancer.”

“There isn’t a lump. You just went to the doctor.”

“But what if there is? Can you check it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I failed out of medical school for a reason.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a dullard and my head is full of wet cotton. Or at least that’s what the doctors told me.”

“But what if they cut it off?”

“My head? I don’t know. I’d lose my cotton.”

“No, my nut! I’d be nutless!”

“But safer for allergy sufferers.”

“Huh…I didn’t think of that…”

At that point, a girl in a brown mail uniform approached their desks. They smiled, as they were familiar with her. She looked at both of them- -at the same time, on account of her eyes- -and smiled.

“Delivery!” she said, setting a package on the front desk.

“What is it? A bomb?”

“I hope not,” said the girl. “The last time that happened I got in BIG trouble. I just don’t know what went wrong!”

“You delivered a water melon full of C4 to Celestia’s doorstep.”

“I blame Luna.”

“But we don’t have suspects.”

“Which one of us is talking right now?”

“I have no idea.”

The girl, now thoroughly confused, left. The two officers opened the box.

“Most excellent!” said the first. “Brownies!” He picked up the tag attached to the box and read it. “Huh. Courtesy of Pinkie Pie. That’s a terrible name for a daughter, isn’t it? Oh well. Brownies!”

“And I thought I was going to have to eat grass and little rocks for lunch today,” said the second. “Let me cut that- -MOVING!”

He screamed and jumped out of his chair. He was sure that he would look down and see that a vicious marmot had been attempting to mount his leg, but instead saw an adorable green and violet puppy.

“Doggy!” he said, reaching down and picking up the dog.

“Hey wait a minute,” said the other. “Isn’t it weird that there’s a dog here? I mean, shouldn’t we do something about that?”

“No, of course not. We’re the local police,” said the other. “Not the ATF.”

Neither of them noticed that a jaundiced-looking bacon-haired girl was sitting in the waiting room, reading a paper. People waiting to speak to detectives or officers were not uncommon, and the waiting area was a public space. That, and neither of them wanted to catch hepatitis.

The orange girl looked over her paper and nodded to the large glass door at the front of the police station. Seconds later, the door opened. A strange cool draft entered the station, and a different girl followed it.

While most had ignored the orange girl, the entire attention of the police station- -save for that of the small group that had gathered around the brownies and adorable dog- -turned to the girl that had entered. Despite the fact that she was a teenager, she was dressed with impeccable fashion and wore makeup that most of them there had only dreamed that their husbands or wives would wear. It was as though a movie star had entered their midst, and they could not take their eyes off her.

She passed the area where the cops were eating brownies and approached the actual front desk.

“Excuse me,” she said, removing her sunglasses and smiling wide at the young officer who sat there. “I’m here to visit an inmate.”

He stared up at her, shaking. “Visiting- -visiting hours are closed, miss…”

“Oh,” said Rarity, pouting. “I’m so sorry to hear that. I suppose I lost track of time.” She leaned in closer to the rookie, and he could clearly smell her perfume. It was most definitely not Flemish Innocence. “But it’s terribly important that I see him. I can tell that you are clearly the head officer here…” She smiled and ran her finger under his chin. “So I think I’ll chance it and ask you if you could just make one teensy exception just this once…”

“I- -I can’t- -I’m not- -”

“If it’s a security issue…” she leaned in closer. “You can stay by my side the whole time. As close as you want. And then afterwards, I’d be glad to take a…tour.”

The rookie’s eyes did the opposite of crossing. He had been derped from excitement. He just sat there making a “FUH FUH FUH” sound for several seconds.

“It’s fine,” said another officer, pulling the rookie’s rolling chair out of the way. “You can come in. Step this way. We have to send you through the metal detector. Just procedure.”

“Oh of course,” said Rarity, “I wouldn’t dream of breaking procedure!”

Rarity approached the metal detector, and by this time a crowd had gathered around her. She carefully and slowly removed her earrings and necklace and set them in a small container with her purse.

“Is that everything on you that’s metal?” asked an officer.

“I believe so.”

“Okay then. Step through”

Rarity did so, and the alarm on the arch immediately went off. One of the officers motioned for her to step back, and she did.

“Are you sure that was all the metal on your person?” he said.

Rarity paused, thinking. Then her eyes widened. “Oh!” she said. “There was something I forgot.”

“Well, if you could just…um…what are you doing?”

Rarity had removed her jacket, exposing the tight black shirt that she was wearing beneath. In that instant, all of the officers who had gathered around her realized that she was as braless as Rainbow Dash.

“I have a few…additional piercings,” she said, smiling. Her statement was redundant, though. The officers could quite clearly see their outline already.

An uproar immediately occurred amongst the group that had formed around the metal detector. The group that had started devouring brownies, though, hardly seemed to notice.

“What was that?” said one of them, his face stuffed with chocolate confection.

“If it’s not brownies, I don’t care,” said another.

“Yeah! Besides, it’s probably weird to ogle teenage girls anyway.”

“Yeah. Someone should call the cops on those guys.”

“Hey, wait!” cried one of the officers, pointing at the tray of brownies and looking accusingly at one of the first two officers who had been there, who was also holding the adorable dog. “That’s not fair! You’ve eaten, like, seven!”

“So?” he said.

“So?” said the dog. “You’re not supposed to eat more than one. You’re in big trouble now.”

They all suddenly fell silent and stared in absolute panic at the dog.

“Did…did you just talk?”

“Sure did?”

They then all started screaming in terror. None of them had realized that they were THOSE kind of brownies.

“I ate two! I ATE TWO!”

“I don’t even remember what my name is!”

“Talking dog! TALKING DOG!”

As if to compound the problem, a horde of beavers immediately began pouring through the doors, led by one particularly large pink fellow.

“BEAVERS!” cried one of the brownie eaters, now having confirmed without a doubt that he was tripping balls like an eighty-year-old man. “BY CELESTIA’S SWEET VANILLA BUTCHEEKS I SEE BEAVERS EVERYWHERE!”

“Quiet,” said one of the guards at the metal detectors, even as a beaver was climbing up his leg. He did not take his eyes off Rarity, who was in the process of attempting to remove the last of the metal on her person. “We’re trying to make sure she’s secure…”

Few of the inmates on the lower level noticed the commotion above. It was quiet and damp down there, and most of the hooting and hollering above was drowned out by a long-nosed man banging a tin cup against the bars of the cell while Discord played his harmonica to the tune. The two of them were in once cell, with the cell across from them occupied by a teenage boy.

“UGH!” he cried, putting his hands on his ears. “Can you guys STOP THAT? It’s not even in time!”

“Ivan cannot stop!” said Ivan. This of course was not one of the Ivans who had been at Discord’s house before; this was one of several who had snuck into the police station’s basement through the sewer lines. “If Ivan does not bang the cup, how will Ivan get the vodkas?”

“They’re not going to give you vodka! They don’t even give me food!”

“Ivan knows that! But if Ivan bangs cup fast enough- -” He started slamming the cup into the bars even faster. “And tries very- -oop.” He stopped suddenly and looked in the cup. “There it is. Full now. Now Ivan drinks.” Ivan drank contents of the cup.

“How did you- -but that doesn’t- -”

“And I have to play the blues,” said Discord. “You certainly wouldn’t want to hear me play the yellows. Or worse, the greens.”

“Is true,” said Ivan, his gray eyes staring at both of them at once. “Ivan cannot even see color, but knows that the greens are the great much bad.”

Discord leaned back and sighed. “So, Flash. What are you in for? Don’t tell me…”

Flash Sentry crossed his arms. “They arrested my for…” the last part was grumbled and inaduable.

“What was that?”

“For…”

“I can’t hear you.”

“For stealing waifus!” cried Flash. “Luna’s perky blue nipples! That’s the fifth time you’ve asked!”

“I just think so hilarious!”

“Well at least I didn’t molest a high-school girl?”

Discord leaned on his side. “Which I suppose means that you are not terribly effective at stealing waifus, then.”

“Oh!” said Ivan. “The burn!”

“Well at least Twilight think’s I’m hot!”

“No I don’t,” said a voice.

There was a sudden surge of electromagnetic energy and Twilight materialized in the center of the hallway. She was dressed in a futuristic looking body suit that was now sparking with energy. “Ha!” she said. “Take that laws of physics! Invisibility IS possible!” She checked the suit’s interface which was on her wrist. When she saw it, she grimaced. “Oof. That’s a lot of radiation. Hopefully none of you were intending on having children.”

“I was,” said Flash. “With you.”

“Well, that’s not going to happen. Now for more than one reason.” She turned to Ivan and Discord.

Ivan shrugged. “Ivan is pretty sure that Ivan reproduces by binary fission and public intoxication.”

“And I wear lead underpants,” said Discord.

“For radiation?”

“Lead stops radiation?”

“Sure,” said Twilight. “Why not.” She approached Discord’s cell. “I’m here to get you out.”

“Out of where?” said Discord, holding onto the bars. “How do you know I’m not already out? How do you know you’re not on the inside? That you’re not the caged animal, and I’m not the zookeeper who throws in the meat you crave but only in the name of pleasing the nameless, faceless masses who laugh and jeer at your entrapment? Huh? HUH?”

“Um…”

“I’m kidding. I know quite well that I’m locked up. I was going to follow Justicar rules just this once and stay for a while. But if you have the keys, I’d be glad to get home and give Fluttershy my crabs.”

Twilight winced, but paused, remembering what Fluttershy had said. “Meaning?”

“Meaning my ornamental iridescent crabs. Fluttershy promised to take care of them while I was on vacation.”

“Ah. I see.”

“So. Key?”

“I don’t have it.”

Discord grabbed the bars angrily. “Then how exactly are you supposed to get me out?”

“I’m not. She is.”

At that moment, Discord felt hands and thin arms close around him. Someone behind him held him close, and he heard her sniff his hair deeply. He slowly turned to see a pink girl staring at him, grinning madly.

“Hey little piggy,” she whispered. “Are you gonna squeal for me?”

Discord threw his body against the bars. “GUARDS! GUARDS!”

“They can’t hear you,” giggled Pinkie.

“This is making me uncomfortable! Male and female prisoners cannot be combined in the general population!”

“Oh, relax,” said Pinkie, pulling the cell’s keys from her hair, despite the fact that she was locked in the cell with no apparent way of having gotten in. “Now that I know you haven’t really deflated Fluttershy’s soufflé yet, balance in the universe has been restored!”

“I tend to dislike balance in the universe,” admitted Discord.

Pinkie Pie leaned closer. “Me too! We have so much in common!”

“It still does not explain how you actually got in here,” said Discord. He removed a dollar bill from his pocket. He began tearing it into pieces “In fact, you could say that it doesn’t make…cents.” As he said the punchline of his pun, he threw a pile of pennies into Pinkie Pie’s face.

Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened so far that they nearly fell out, and she released a squeal that caused Ivan to claw at his ears in pain. “You do up close magic?! Oh my Celestia! Oh my Luna! Oh my CADENCE’S SEXY BUTT!”

“Um…I didn’t know that you would like it THAT much.”

“I do! I wasn’t sure before, but now I am! As soon as I turn eighteen- -like, the minute I do- -I am going to find you, tie you down to something heavy, cover you with whipped cream and party so hard with you you probably die!” She winked. “And that can be a Pinkie Promise, if you want…”

“Oh my,” said Discord, looking at the pennies on the ground. “I regret not learning that trick when I was Flash here’s age.”

“Pinkie!” hissed Twilight. “Come on!”

“Oh, right!” Pinkie slid the key into the cell lock and turned it. The door slid open and all present inside stepped out, save for Ivan. He rather liked it in there. Pinkie Pie, Discord, and Twilight, however, began to run to the stairs out of the basement.

“Hey, wait!” cried Flash. “What about me?”

Twilight paused and stared at him. “Um…who are you again?

At about this time, Shining Armor left his office to find his troops in complete and utter chaos. Half of the group were cheering around the metal detector, and the other half were freaking out for some unclear reason. Beavers were everywhere.

As he watched, a blue girl ran into the front door. “Hey, everyone!” she cried. “Hurry, quick! Somebody spray-painted ‘Flash Sentry was here’ on all the cop cars! And there’s a sale on donuts across the street!”

This got their attention, or at least the attention of most of them. Many ran out to tase this so-called ‘Flash Sentry’ and others ran for the sake of donuts. A few of them just jumped straight out windows.

“What in the name of my wife’s hot-buttered BUTT is going on here?!” screamed Shining Armor. His eyes met those of the blue girl. “You! Get her! This is all a trick!”

Some of the more stable of his officers turned toward Rainbow Dash, whipping out their nightsticks.

“Get her too!” ordered Shining Armor, pointing toward Rarity. “And when you’re done, arrest yourselves for ogling a teenager!”

Those of them who had not already done so pulled out their nightsticks as well and advanced on Rarity. Rarity took a step back.

“Oh my,” she said. “Are those Billy clubs or are you just happy to see me?”

The officers advanced, and one of them, and certain officer Dio, caught Rainbow Dash immediately. Rarity, in a panic, was backed into a corner.

“Not in the face!” she cried. “Anywhere except the face!”

It was this moment that Sunset stood up, throwing her paper aside and pulling the piece of bathroom wall with a hole drilled through it out of a bag. She held it in front of her like a talisman.

“Let’s hope this works,” she said to herself. “CONPULSUS VENDIDERIT MATER EARUM IN HULL!!”

There was precious little magic in this particular universe, but what little that there was responded to Sunset’s call. A red pentagram appeared on the floor, and in an instant tentacles shot forth from another dimension.

“LOL NOPE!” cried the nearest officer, fleeing from the oncoming monstrosity. “I know where this is going!”

His compatriots were not so lucky. A few were grabbed. “Not in the butt!” cried one of them. “NOT IN THE BUTT!”

The only two that did not flee before the tentacle monster were the two who still sat at their posts, both munching brownies and one holding Spike.

“Dude,” said one. “Are you seeing this?”

“Yeah man, I’m seeing this.”

“Those are some goooood brownies man…”

“Righteous…”

Shining Armor looked on, growing angrier and angrier as he did. These were supposed to be well trained officers of the law, and here they were in complete disorder.

“Alright,” he said. “I didn’t wake up this morning wanting to teargas people. But I guess it’s just one of those days.”

He turned to go back to the room where the teargas was kept, but stopped in his tracks when he saw Discord standing feet away from him.

“YOU!” he cried.

“ME!” cried Discord.

“This- -this is a jailbreak!” Shining Armor unsheathed his long, thick, hard nightstick. Pinkie Pie, who was standing near Discord, gasped when she saw it.

“Oh wow,” she said. “Is it weird that I want him to beat me over the head with that thing? Or maybe, I don’t know, rub it on my face or something.”

“No,” said Discord. “Not weird at all. Or absolutely terrifying. Or indicative that you probably have issues that require immediate treatment.”

“Wait!” Twilight materialized between Discord and Shining Armor. “Shining- -”

“Twilight! You’re in on this two!”

“Well, not so much ‘in on’ as ‘orchestrated’, but…semantics?”

“The Jews!” cried Discord.

“Twilight,” said Shining Armor, glaring at her. “Get out of my way.”

“I can’t do that,” said Twilight.

“Get out of my way,” Shining Armor raised his nightstick, “or I’m going to have to beat you like Cadence beats me.”

Twilight frowned. “I didn’t want to have to do this to you, shining. But you forced my hand.”

She reached for her wrist, tapping on the interface for her invisibility suit and changing the settings. The suit flashed and sparked as it turned invisible. With the changes to its function, though, Twilight did not disappear with it. She stood there once again wearing invisible clothing.

“GAH!” screamed Shining Armor, dropping his nightstick and covering his eyes in horror. “NAKED SISTER!”

“Come on!” said Twilight. “Now’s our chance! RUN!”

“I would,” said Discord, “but I think I just went blind.”

Pinkie Pie grabbed his hand and pulled him through the horde of chaos. Getting through it was strangely easily; the officers being attacked by beavers or tentacles, or the ones now rolling on the ground in reaction to the otherwise quite ordinary brownies should have gotten in their way, but the mass always seemed to clear as Discord approached.

“Come on!” said Rainbow Dash. “Rarity!”

“I’m coming!” said Rarity, quickly rebuttoning her outer jacket. She joined the others as they raced toward the door.

Sunset likewise turned to join them as her spell collapsed. She seemed exhausted from doing whatever she had just done, and the Hole in her hands was steaming. It did not smell pleasant.

“Out!” said Rainbow Dash, checking a guard out of the way. “Get outside!”

Discord felt himself pulled to freedom, and he paused for a moment to see the pink beaver salute him.

“I know him,” said Discord, pointing. “I never imagined that Fluttershy’s pink beaver would save my life! And to think, I almost shaved him! Say, did you know that pink beavers smell like strawberries?”

“Didn’t know didn’t care,” said Rainbow Dash, shoving Discord down the stone steps to where Applejack and Fluttershy were waiting in Big Macintosh’s truck.

“Discord!” cried Fluttershy.

“Fluttershy! I thought I’d never see you again!”

“There will be time for a touching reunion later!” yelled Applejack.

“And not with LITERAL touching!” snapped Rainbow Dash.

“Get in the back!”

The group jumped in the back of the truck and Applejack gunned the engine. It backfired at least three times, shot in reverse, and then pushed forward with a lurch and a cloud of several types of smoke. From inside the police station, the guards watched it go.

“Hey, talking dog,” said one of the brownie-eaters. “Did they just, you know, forget you?”

“Yeah,” said the dog. “That’s par for the course, man.”

The truck trundled forward as fast as it could, which was not very.

“HA!” cried Rainbow Dash, pounding her fist against the cab roof and feeling it penetrate the rusted metal. “I can’t believe that actually worked!”

“Neither can I,” said Twilight. “I feel so alive!”

“It feels good to be bad,” said Pinkie.

“It so does! I think next time I’m going to rob someone’s house…”

“Let’s not go too far,” said Sunset.

“I don’t know if we will be going that far at all,” said Discord. He pointed at the ground behind them, where a large and badly rusted metal object was receding from view. “I may be mistaken, but I believe that we have just had the commission of an omission of the transmission.”

“We have bigger problems than that!” cried Applejack. She pointed. “Look!”

“No, YOU look!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, pointing behind them.

The situation had decayed in both directions. Police cars- -all of which had been spray-painted in rainbow paint, apparently by one Flash Sentry who had signed them in Rainbow Dash’s handwriting, were chasing them from behind. In front of them, though, an angry mob had gathered, complete with pitchforks and torches.

“Gun the engine!” cried Rainbow Dash.

Applejack did, and it promptly leapt out of the hood of the truck and sputtered a distance forward before shattering into hundreds of pieces. The truck itself then slowed before stopping and collapsing into a pile of fine rust and pieces of wood.

“Gosh darn it,” swore Rainbow Dash. “Big Mac’s never gonna forgive me for this one.”

“If we even survive,” said Fluttershy.

“Oh, Fluttershy,” said Discord as he stood up and brushed himself off. “There’s no need to worry. Why, I could hardly call myself a proper janitor if this were my first angry mob. The key is not to go into a windmill. That never works.”

The crowd surrounded them on one side and the police on the other. Shining Armor got out of the lead car, still covering his eyes in case Twilight was still naked. On the other side, Celestia and Luna stepped forward.

“Principal Celestia?” cried Fluttershy. “What are you doing here?”

“What I should have done in the first place,” she said. She gestured toward the angry mob, which actually appeared mostly to consist of students of Canterlot High.

“Oh,” said Applejack. “It’s one of THOSE mobs. So. Are you gonna tar and feather him?”

“Indeed,” said Luna. “That is my sister’s intention.”

“It is the will of the sun!” screamed Celestia, flailing her arms over her head.

“Now wait just a minute,” said Twilight. “This is all a misunderstanding! We can explain!”

“Twilight,” said Luna. “You’re in the nude.”

“I know that.” Contrary to her assertion, though, Twilight adjusted the controls on her suit and made it opaque again. “And now I’m not.”

Fluttershy stepped forward, and the crowd went silent. All of them knew that it was physically impossible to commit violence against Fluttershy. The universe simply would not allow it. “Please, wait,” said Fluttershy. “It really is a misunderstanding. Discord and I are just friends. He wasn’t molesting me. He’s not that kind of guy.”

“We know that,” said Luna.

“Indeed,” said Celestia. “That’s not why I had him arrested. Or why I got this mob.”

“Then why?”

“He glued me to a chair!” cried Lyra Hearstrings from the crowd.

“He waxed the stairs!” said another student. “And I broke my head!”

“He covered me in cereal!”

“He buried me in a whole!”

“He gave me free candy that made me sleepy!”

“He painted his name on my face!”

“He ate my muffins!” wept Derpy.

“But he was just trying to help!” protested Fluttershy.

“Um, no,” said Discord. “I wasn’t. I was having fun.” He stepped forward. “But that’s not what this is about, is it, Sunbutt?”

“Don’t call me Sunbutt,” hissed Celestia. “You lost the right to call me that after what you did to me.”

Discord blinked. “And what was that, exactly?”

Celestia glared at him. “You know what you did.”

“If I knew, I would not have asked.”

“I’m pretty sure you know,” said Luna. She looked at her watch. “Just explain it and hurry up. My soaps are coming on soon and I was hoping to go to bed early tonight.”

“It’s Friday,” said Rarity.

“Verily,” sighed Luna.

“We used to date,” explained Celestia. “All though high school. It was so much fun. He wasn’t so old back then.”

“Wait a minute,” said Pinkie Pie. “But if you were in high school together, that means you’re the same age…and he’s super old. Like, sixty. So that means you’re- -”

“I’m not old!” cried Celesita. “And that’s not the point! The point is that I used to love him!”

“And I actually rather fancied you as well,” said Discord. He sighed. “You were a lot less of a buzzkill back in those days. And you didn’t wear those ridiculous purple slacks. I mean, come on. Purple? Even I don’t wear purple. It’s a terrible color.”

“Oh,” sighed Twilight.

“But you broke up with me,” said Discord. “In fact, you outright stopped talking to me after prom. I never found out why. Then I spent a great deal of time stoned and we got out of touch.”

“LIAR!” screamed Celestia. “You don’t even remember?! On PROM NIGHT? You took me out, and then we went home, and then you took my virginity!”

“Celestia!” gasped Twilight.

“I was nineteen at the time so it was okay!” said Celestia. “But then you just never talked to me again! You just used me like a wet blanket and tossed me! I am lord of the SUN! I refuse to be disrespected like that! That’s a Luna sort of thing!”

Discord blinked, confused. “Um…I never went to prom.”

“Yes you did! You were there! I remember dancing with you! And you slowly taking my dress off, and pulling back my hair…”

“I don’t need a description!” cried Applejack, covering her ears.

“I wouldn’t mind one,” said Pinkie. “When you say ‘hair’, do you mean the hair on your head or…”

“No, I’m sure of it,” said Discord. “Remember? That was the week I put chocolate milk in the sprinklers and set them off.”

“You made it rain chocolate milk?!” gasped Pinkie. She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “WHY WAS I NOT THERE?!”

“You weren’t born yet,” said Rarity, pulling her away. “Actually, your parents probably weren’t born yet. Or their parent’s parents.”

“I’M NOT OLD!” cried Celestia.

“Nevertheless,” said Rarity, “shush. I want to hear this.”

“I got suspended,” continued Discord. “Banned from the prom and everything. You yelled at me and threw a lamp at me, and I figured you wanted time alone. But then you just never spoke to me again.”

“But that’s not how I remember it!” cried Celestia. “You were there, I know you were!”

“Sister,” said Luna, putting her hand on Celestia’s shoulder. “He’s not lying. You didn’t go to prom either.”

“But I did! I remember dancing, and singing…kind of…it was a while a go- -but not THAT long ago!”

“Um, no. You drank your weight in cider and passed out in your prom dress. Or rather half out of it. You never made it to prom.”

Celestia blinked. “But…but…then who took my virginity? Luna?”

Luna grimaced. “Well it certainly was not me. Incest is not in fact wincest. You are also not my type. Nor do I in fact want to know the status of your love life, or even to consider knowing such aspects. This entire conversation is making me vastly uncomfortable.”

“But then…” Celestia paused. “But then what the buck happened?”

“Apparently nothing,” said Discord.

“So I’ve been holding a grudge for all these years over NOTHING? I never spoke to you because I thought you were ignoring me.”

“And I thought you were ignoring ME.”

“Yes, yes, love lost,” said Luna. “Nobody cares. This is tangential at best. Either disband the mob or allow that incredibly sexy officer over there to commence beating the criminals. Violence turns me on. Especially if they bleed.”

“Me?” said Shining Armor. “I’m married.”

“I do not mind,” said Luna. “It does not impede your ability to use that long, hard night stick.” She winked, and Shining Armor shuddered.

“So that was a misunderstanding too,” said Fluttershy. “See? I knew Discord was really a good guy at heart!”

“No, he isn’t,” said Derpy. “He’s a huge jerk!”

“But you’re still going to hire him back, aren’t you?” said Sunset.

“No,” said Celestia. “He did a terrible job.”

“Fair enough,” said Discord. “Because I never actually worked at the school.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah. You never hired me. Nobody did. I’m not actually a janitor. I just showed up, stole a uniform, and decided to have some fun while it lasted.”

“Oh,” said Celestia. “So…” She paused for a long moment. “That solves all the problems, then…?”

“Yes,” said Luna. “Good. Done. Now everyone go home. I have stuff to do.”

“But a whole bunch of illegal stuff happened,” said Shining Armor.

“WE HAVE SPOKEN!!”

Shining Armor cowered, and the other police retreated to their cars. The mob extinguished their torches and threw their pitchforks in a pile, returning them to Applejack (as they had borrowed them from her farm to begin with, as none of them were themselves people who would normally own such an implement). Everyone dispersed from the group, but Celestia remained for a moment.

“So,” said Discord. “Now that we know that…you’re still pretty hot.”

“I am,” she said, “but don’t push it. Stay away from my school.”

She then left. Discord turned to Fluttershy.

“What do you think?” he asked. “Does she dig me or what?”

Fluttershy did not answer, except with a smile. She was glad to have her friend back.

With Applejack’s vehicle turned to dust, the group had to walk home. Discord’s house was closest, and he waved to them as he left the group and walked to his door. Once he was outside, he looked to see them going back to their respective homes. Fluttershy waved once more, though, and Discord smiled. They would be having a tea party the next day.

He closed the door and sighed. The day had indeed been eventful and chaotic, just the way he liked it. Still, he found himself staring in his empty house. Lawn chairs sat around a wire-spool coffee table and a beat-up couch that he had found on a curb. All was silent, and he was alone save for the sound of dripping water from his kitchen faucet.

Discord sighed and sat down in one of the rickety lawn chairs. He spent several minutes like this, and then slowly raised one of his hands. He snapped his fingers.

The environment shifted. The dirty walls became fancy dirty walls, and the wire-spool coffee table became one derived from a spool that had once held high-quality wire instead of orindary wire. His chair floated into the air, transformed into an upholstered one, and a smoking jacket formed around his body. Trumpets played somewhere in the distance.

Discord snapped his fingers again, and a flash of light appeared over his dirty couch, which had grown a tiny pair of wings to haul itself into the air. From the flash of light emerged a draconequs.

“Why hello,” said the second Discord. “How are things?”

“Pretty well. Just some alone time right now. Just me, myself, and I.”

“I see,” said Discord, snapping his own fingers and summoning a drink with a long curly straw. “So.” He snapped his fingers again and a board for Chinese checkers appeared in the air. “Do you want to play with yourself?”

“Aren’t we a little old for that?”

“Is it possible to be too old? For Chinese checkers, I mean?” Discord shrugged and the board vanished. “So be it. What’s the good word, alternate me?”

Discord smiled mischievously. “You would not believe me if I told you.”

“So I would disbelieve myself?” Discord moved to the edge of his seat and his eyes grew wide. “This must be juicier than Fluttershy’s butt!”

“It actually has to do with that.” Discord laughed. “I actually managed to convince her friends that I was having inappropriate sexual relations with Fluttershy!”

Discord gasped. “You didn’t! Are you even allowed to do that?”

“Not in this dimesion, no. We have content rules. And let it be noted that no character under eighteen ever actually was placed in a sexual situation in this story.”

“Indeed. Or else we would get banned.” Discord paused. “I, of course, could do it.”

“Don’t be crude. We would never do that with Fluttershy. She’s just to adorable. Strictly platonic and all.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so. And by extension so do you. At least so-so, anyway.”

“But you actually convinced her friends? Are they that much of idiots in this dimension?”

“Apparently.”

Both discords chortled. “My my,” said Discord, “I can’t believe you actually did that. That’s so stupid.”

“I know. But I rather enjoyed myself.”

“Like you are right now?”

“Indeed. As easy as they were to trick, their solution was intriguing. Quite chaotic. I’m sure you would have liked it.”

Discord leaned back in his chair. “Speaking of that, Q is holding a party in dimension 34. That one dancing Celestia will be there. Are you up for it?”

Discord snapped his fingers and a snazzy 70s-era disco suit appeared over him. “I’m always up.”

They laughed again, and together they disappeared, leaving the furniture to fall to the floor. The room stood empty, save for one very confused Ivan who had been lodged between the couch cushions.

And life went on as usual. in-bottow@y�\

Author's Note

I suppose every author who goes on long enough eventually writes an Equestria Girls story. I also suppose this is my contribution to that congelation. I take great solace in the fact that very few people will ever read this, as it is incredibly stupid.