"Seriously, how do you function?"
Since Anon had crash landed in Equestria, he'd seen his fair share of weird shit. Regulated weather, the concept of magic, an ancient prophecy that had apparently been fulfilled by his arrival, requiring him to go to the Altar of Caluican and offer his blood as tribute to the ancient ones—he was still getting his head around that one.
...Oh yeah, and the horses. The sapient horse beings that controlled everything, like something out of a deranged toddler's acid trip. Anyway, once it had been made pretty clear to him that he wasn't going home—seemed no one here had gotten the hang of interstellar travel yet—Anon had been forced to grow accustomed to the way things worked in Equestria, from the rave-effect population to the irritating lack of things he liked, such as meat, internet access, and clothes that fit him properly.
Still, everyone seemed to want to make him comfortable. When he arrived he had been crouched in a crater in the ground, stark naked (but not in that cool way that the Terminator did it, Anon didn't really have any gluts to show off), and immediately ponies had begun to take an interest in him. One in particular—a small purple princess—he'd been forced to bat away a couple of times, she seemed absolutely determined to run tests on him.
Now he found himself sitting in a train carriage, heading towards Canterlot, the capital of Equestria. Sitting in the carriage reminded him of being in his new home in that it was way too small. Even though he had his arse firmly pressed against the seat, he found that his head often bumped against the ceiling, because apparently five foot eight equated to 'hulking giant' in ponyland. He got a lot of weird looks.
It was his first time heading to a town besides Ponyville, which coincidentally was where he landed. It was possibly the most convenient place in all of Equestria to arrive, considering the fact that the country's Element Bearers lived there. He'd met all of them, and even had a couple of nice chats with Rarity and the pink one, but the rest either didn't seem all that interested or appeared to be too interested. Namely, Twilight and Fluttershy, who both seemed to have a weird fixation on his species, rather than him as an actual person.
Rarity was nice though. She had questions about his predicament, naturally, but quickly accepted that he was just as clueless about what had happened as anyone else. She had fashioned his current wardrobe: Jeans, shirts, boots, even a hat, which he usually wore in an attempt to keep the sun off his face. Not that the sun was even here yet, this was the first train out of Ponyville, and it was stupidly early.
When the train arrived, the conductor called out that Canterlot was the last stop and told everyone to take care whilst alighting. Knowing that he had almost fallen over twice trying to squeeze into the damned train, Anon did just that.
Standing on the platform outside and looking down at the ponies surrounding him, he felt like a spindly preying mantis with stupidly elongated appendages. He still couldn't get over the fact that every pony he saw was just over half his size—it made holding a conversation without appearing as condescending near impossible.
He wasn't here for conversation though, nor sightseeing. In fact, he had been contacted by Twilight and told that he was expected by Princess Celestia, who was apparently the main princess in charge, despite the fact that some ponies referred to Equestria as a diarchy. A diarchy with four princesses and no queen.
...Whatever.
Walking up the streets here wasn't so bad. Canterlot seemed to have more ponies out and about, but it was still very early and the sun hadn't yet graced the horizon. However, because it was a large city, the streets were designed to accommodate many, and for once Anon was able to walk unimpeded.
That was until he arrived at the castle gates, at least. He was scrutinised by two guards—both unicorns, half his size but twice his brawn—and asked what his business was. Anon calmly explained that he had been sent to meet with Princess Celestia, looking nervously at their horns the entire time. Magic still freaked him out.
They told him that they had been informed that Celestia would be meeting with a human, but that they would need to see some form of identification.
Anon scratched his head, looking down at the steadfast guards. "Really? How many humans come to your gates on a regular basis, if I may ask?"
The unicorn to the left piped up. "I realise it may seem silly to you, sir, but we have had to deal with a multitude of threats in the last three years, it can never hurt to be too safe. Now, do you have any forms of identification with you?"
He didn't. Anon had only been a resident of Equestria for about a month, and apparently the bureaucratic elements of creating a passport for a member of a new species involved a fair amount of red tape. Anon relayed just that.
"Hmm..." The guard scratched his chin, studying Anon's face. "There is an alternative. Grendo! Look alive!"
A brown coated guard rushed over in lively bounds, halting less than a foot away from Anon. "Have no fear!" Grendo announced in his most peculiar accent, not unlike something Anon would expect from an Indian person, "I, Grendo, am chief changeling detection and identification officer on duty at this time! I, Grendo, will study you, human sir." With a look of intense concentration, Grendo began to channel energy through his horn.
Anon felt an orange swath of magic envelop his being as Grendo hummed a discordant tune. It was over within seconds, and as the light from his horn flickered out, Grendo opened his eyes with a resolute nod. "You, human sir, are indeed human, human sir! We are sorry for any inconvenience, sir human."
"...Right." Anon nodded, thoroughly confused. "Can I go through now?"
"Why of course, sir human!" Grendo smiled, and the guards either side of him bolstered the statement with a nod.
Anon was glad to have earnt his way through, but mostly to be rid of—
"I, Grendo, will guide you, sir human!"
Anon suppressed a load groan.
"—And that is how my family were able to banish the goat demon that plagued our fields!" Grendo grinned, hopping along beside Anon.
"Oh, that's interesting!" Anon smiled halfheartedly, looking all around him, spotting the sight he'd been eagerly awaiting for twenty minutes now. "And look! We've arrived!" he said with a little too much enthusiasm.
"A shame," Grendo sighed, "I, Grendo, was hoping to tell you the riveting tale of the carnivorous sea badger—"
Grendo was cut off by a swift opening and slamming of bedchamber doors. "Yeah maybe later thanks bye!"
Anon heaved a sigh of relief when he found himself on the other side. He didn't know what was worse, the pony's tendency to never shut up, his strange vocal quirks, or trying to understand a word he was saying through that thick accent of his. Of course, he could never ask him to repeat himself, as that was the epitome of rudeness, so it had just been smiling and nodding. But no longer! Now he was free to go and speak to a princess. At half-six in the morning. In a magical world thousands of miles from home. Anon decided to take the fact that he could still get excited over that victory as a sign of optimism.
The first thing Anon noticed upon taking in the room was that everything seemed a lot more human sized in here. It wasn't exactly right, but with a room and furnishings like this Anon knew that he would definitely feel a damn sight more comfortable than he did in his current home, which was like a dollhouse in comparison.
The next thing he spotted was the princess, who was actually around his height! Perhaps this day was getting better after all. She was sat on her balcony turned away from him, and while she didn't beckon him closer—or make any acknowledgment of his arrival—Anon felt that he was meant to walk over to her, rather than wait for a ruler to come to him.
When he arrived beside her, she turned, offering a small smile. "I trust you find my castle to your liking? I imagine it accommodates a being of your stature rather well."
Oh there they go again with the giant commen—wait, Celestia's the same size as you, roll with it. "Err, yeah, it's definitely a lot easier to get about." Looking from where she sat, two pillows propped beneath her, to the sky she looked out on, he felt his head beginning to tilt. "Are you sure I'm not interrupting anything? Pardon my saying but you look as if you've recently got out of bed. I could come back later?"
Celestia shook her head. "No, there is a reason I called you here so early, there is something I wish for you to see before we get to discussion," turning her head until she was facing him, she offered a placid smile, "I realise there are a great many things about Equestria that might be considered confusing, and I wish for you to understand them, for you to feel comfortable here. In the spirit of that, I wish to demonstrate what I do for my country each morning."
Anon blinked. "Oh, so like, royal duties and stuff, right? That's pretty neat—uhh, I meant splendid. Splendid and regal."
Celestia chuckled. "I have no trouble with you speaking your mind, Anon. It is in fact 'pretty neat'."
Okay, a princess with a sense of humour. Unexpected, but it was better than her trying to lop off his head for a word out of place. "So what is it that you wanted to show me, exactly?"
"A few things," Celestia replied in her soft and soothing tone, "But first of all, I wanted you to witness the beginning of a new day in Equestria."
A new day? Anon was pretty sure he'd seen a handful of them since arriving, but he didn't comment on that.
"Observe the sky," Celestia commanded, and Anon looked out to the still dark surroundings, "Notice that there isn't a breath of light to it yet?"
Anon nodded, he could see that clear as day, or in this case, night.
"Now watch as I proceed to raise the sun, marking the beginning of our day."
Hold on, what? "What do you mean, raise the sun?" Anon blurted, he couldn't help it.
"It's simple. With my magic, I bring about the sun, and allow it to shine its light over Equestria during the day. At night, Luna raises the moon."
That made absolutely zero sense. The earth rotates on its axis, causing the sun to be visible in different areas at different times of the day. No one moved the sun, doing so could incinerate or freeze the planet's inhabitants, or strengthen the star's gravitational pull so much that the planet got sucked in. Anon reluctantly abandoned logic, remembering he was in a world that may have resembled his one, but seemed to operate under its own rules.
While he pondered the implications of those two princesses being able to shift huge rocks and massive balls of energy alike, the impossible began to occur. Standing, Celestia's horn flashed, and slowly, gradually, the horizon became increasingly red as the sun's presence bled over into Anon's peripherals, soon joined by the first rays of sunlight. All the while, Celestia's eyes remained affixed to the huge orb as it moved to be higher and higher in the sky.
It seemed unbelievable, but Anon could buy it. After a few seconds, he had to tear his eyes away from the wonder as he felt them beginning to burn, but Celestia remained locked in a staring match with the huge ball of fiery gas, pulling it upwards with her gaze.
That, there was no logic to. Anon had felt it, the burn on his eyes as he looked out to their sun, and even felt it on his skin previously. Just like on the planet he called home, there was nothing to stop ponies being burnt by the sun. Despite that, Celestia continued to gaze upon it.
"Celestia?" Anon mouthed, still trying to comprehend the lunacy of it all.
"Mm?" She responded, her horn still alight as the sun moved higher and higher into the sky.
"How do you do that? It doesn't make any sense."
"Raise the sun? Well, you see, my special talent is working with the sun's celestial form, and raising it is my task each day. Once, it was the job of the unicorns, and now it is my duty."
"Nono, I get that," Anon replied, shaking his head, "I've gotten to the point where I can accept that as fact. What I don't understand is how you can stare at that thing for three minutes straight every day without frying your retinas."
Anon thought he saw the sun jolt in place for a second. "I-I beg your pardon?"
"Exactly what I said," Anon felt his brow furrow as he tried to process how it could be even vaguely possible. If there was one thing Anon prided himself on, it was his intense knowledge of obscure subjects. "The sun is a massive ball of ultraviolet light, and that's extremely damaging to the skin, let alone the eye. I've even seen ponies wearing sunglasses before, so it's not like you don't already know that. So how is it that you're able to do that without any problems?"
"W-well, that's to do with my alicorn biology," Celestia returned, nodding to herself once. "Yes, we alicorns are much more resilient than the average pony, and as such are able to do things that they cannot, such as raising the sun."
Anon rubbed two fingers against his chin as he mulled this over. "But you just told me that it used to be done by unicorns."
"Well, that's irrelevant, I—"
Anon was really starting to get into his stride now, and he looked to Celestia with a confident grin. "Face it, there's no way that you could look directly at the sun for that long every day for a thousand years or more without irreparably damaging your eyesight or even blinding yourself. That's just not possible."
"If that's the case, what about the Summer Sun Celebration?" Celestia countered, a snarl on her muzzle. "Ponies look directly upon the sun then, and you don't see any of them going blind."
"Are you seriously trying to counter this?" Anon laughed as she finally took her eyes from the sun, which now sat directly above the countryside. "Summer Sun Celebration, what is that? Is that some kind of national holiday where all of your subjects come together and praise your scorched retinas? Besides, from the name of it, it sounds as if it's an annual thing. Why would you try to compare an annual occurrence to a daily one?"
When Celestia looked at him, Anon noticed that her eyes were glossy, it almost appeared as if she was looking through
him. "Listen to me, human," she started with a slight growl, "if I tell you that I can do it, then I can do it, and it is as simple as that. What other argument is there to disprove that? Please tell me."
Anon gave that a few seconds' thought. Smiling, he raised his hand. "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Celestia cocked her head. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me, fingers. If you can really see so well, you shouldn't have any trouble answering that."
"Ah, I see." Celestia seemed to take a moment to collect herself, her horn briefly flashing as she answered, like a light flicker of energy. "Three."
It didn't take Anon long to clock on. "You used your horn!"
"I-I did not!" Celestia stammered.
This was it, he had her on the ropes! "What were you doing with your horn just then, then? I know it flashes when you use a spell."
"I-I was, uhm, scratching."
"Do it again," Anon commanded, completely forgetting his role as her subject, too enthralled in the act of proving someone else wrong to even care as he prepared his fingers. "No magic this time."
"Whatever you might think you have discovered is erroneous, this little game serves to do nothing but degrade and antagonise me."
"Princess, I'm hearing an awful lot of deflection, and not enough guessing."
"Fine," Celestia huffed, before standing there limply, looking Anon all over. After about ten seconds of deliberation, she spoke once more. "Two?"
"Not even close," Anon smirked, lowering both hands. "Why don't you just admit I was right? It'd be a lot easier, wouldn't it?"
For twenty seconds, there was silence. In that time, Anon wondered if he had served to anger Celestia, if she would lock him up, or order his execution, or evict and banish him, and there would be no way for him to ever get home. He also decided that if that was the case, it was only because he had managed to deduce what millions before him hadn't and that he didn't really care.
After having the time to imagine his body mangled in fifteen different ways, Celestia's voice sounded, cold and limp. "Alright, fine, I'm blind. When I was given the duty, I found my eyesight quickly began to diminish with each time that I raised the sun. After twenty days, my eyes were completely fried. Turns out the unicorns used to take turns so none of them would stare at it for too long. Anyway, that's the truth, are you happy now?"
"Woohoo!" Anon jumped in place, commencing a small dance of joy. This was the best feeling he had had in weeks, it was as if all of his issues and resentment over being stuck in Equestria had been channeled into winning this argument, and now he felt the sweet release of victory. Nothing could compare to the rush he got from Celestia, the most important princess in Equestria, conceding to his superior argument. He felt amazing, he felt incredible, there was nothing he couldn't do now.
Meanwhile, Celestia silently watched as he danced around congratulating himself. Or rather, didn't watch.
After a good two minutes, Anon realised that he was being a little insensitive, and began to calm down. As he felt his steady heartbeat stop hammering against his ribcage, he looked at the silent pony that stood oh-so-calmly in wait of him. He could say what he wanted, but she was still pretty damn cool, what with her powers and her title and the fact that she managed to get around and function completely fine without even being able to see. Hell, ponies didn't even guess that she couldn't see, she had to be doing something right.
Not just that, her height and size. She was probably the closest to Anon in stature, and she really was quite beautiful for her species. Learning that she couldn't see took away some of his insecurities instantly, and he began to feel like the biggest player in town.
He could feel a cocky smile tugging at his lips as he voiced the first thing that came to mind. "So... I've always wanted to bang a princess."
A spark of Celestia's horn opened the door to her bedchambers, where Grendo still eagerly waited on the other side. "I'm blind, not desperate. Get out."
Anon still counted that one as a victory in his books.
