Xzeron2000 Goes to Equestria
1: Here, There, and Back Again
The shifting of colors were the first thing I had noticed. Then, the world warped around me, and suddenly I stood somewhere else. As the dizziness wore off, I observed my surroundings. Night, in what appeared to be a desert. There was nothing around me aside from the silhouettes of a few cacti, and blowing wind. It was cool, and the moon was high in the sky.
The Witching Hour.
How I’d gotten from third period Precalc to a desert was quite confusing. Of course, it was twelve o'clock when I’d left. Checking my phone, I made sure my memory was correct. It was. I was also not receiving a signal, which made sense.
None of this added up. If I were to have been teleported to any of the major deserts of the world, it shouldn’t have been this late in the evening. Unless, that is, I was transported through both time and space.
I checked my surroundings again.
The cacti reminded me of the Saguaro variety that grow out in the Mojave desert. I was only going off a silhouette, so I couldn’t be certain.
I nodded to myself, picked a random direction, and walked in it. If I found water before daybreak, then I would hopefully survive. I had a bottle of water in my lunchbox that would last me a bit in open sun, but if I knew where water was, I could base my operations around it.
After walking for several hours, and finding no water, I was quite disheartened. In that time, I had dumped quite a few things from my backpack so as to make it lighter, namely my Precalculus book, and every piece of paper that wasn’t blank. Now, it weighed a comfortable amount, and would store any food I managed to come across in the hours of my journey. Seeing as I had come across absolutely nothing, I had nothing more than a calculator, one plastic binder with paper in it, a sketchbook, and my lunchbox.
I had been hungry for quite a while, so I decided that sitting down in order to eat would be a good idea, though I would not be able to eat very much food considering the fact that I didn’t have much to begin with. Two apple slices later, and I was on my way again.
It was at this time that I noticed an unexpected feeling in my hands and feet. Like I was being pulled somewhere. I had no notion of why this feeling should exist- I had never had it before. But something in my gut told me to trust the feeling, and so I did.
I walked for another hour or so, before, just as the sun was peeking over the horizon, I saw the silhouettes of buildings. I praised whatever deity presided over wherever this was, and increased my walking speed.
By the time I arrived in the town, a half an hour had passed. Interestingly enough, the ‘streets’ were devoid of people, though I saw clear signs of maintenance on some of the structures as I passed by. They were all wooden, built in a style I would have expected from a spaghetti western. There was a well in the center of the town, which I headed towards.
As I came closer, I felt nervous, as if eyes were watching my movement. It was likely that they were, however if there was any indication, they were waiting to see what I would do before acting. So, I ignored the phantom presence, and commenced to drawing water from the well.
It took a bit of effort, considering that I had no experience with drawing water from a well, however it didn’t take long for me to pull up a bucket of the life-giving substance, which I promptly drank my fill of. I sighed in satisfaction, and set down the bucket on the edge of the well.
After taking a few seconds to rest, I retrieved my empty water bottle and refilled it from the half-empty bucket.
“Howdy, pardner.” A male voice said, startling me. I spilled a bit of water on the front of my shirt in the process of whipping around to face the source of said voice.
I looked down, and beheld him. A short equine, with a definitely-not-leather stetson hat and vest. In the sunlight, his coat shone a pale yellow, and his mane was a tousled, curly blonde. Large green eyes peered curiously into my own comparatively small blue ones.
“Sorry. Startled me.” I said.
The equine smiled a bit. “Ah’m sorry, Ah didn’t catch that.” He leaned closer, his ear swivelling to face me.
“I apologize. You startled me.” I repeated, this time louder.
He stepped back, nodded, and tipped his hat. “Name’s Braeburn. This here’s the town of Appleooooooooooosa!” The last word in his sentence was drawn out with a yodeling ‘o’ that I had to resist laughing at.
“Alright. Glad I’m welcome.”
“So, whaddaya doin’ here, pardner?”
“Not dying of thirst is the first thing that comes to mind.”
“Aheheh, well… Glad we could help.”
An awkward silence ensued. Braeburn pawed at the ground with a forehoof, a contemplative look on his face.
“So, Ah’ve never seen anythin’ quite like ya ‘round these parts. How’d you get here?” Braeburn asked.
“I walked to Appleoosa. I don’t know how I got on this planet. Probably some magic shit.” I answered simply.
“Wait, so ya mean yer an extraterrestrial?”
“Unless this is Earth several billion years in the past or future, then yep. I’m an alien.”
“So, ah, ya got a name?”
“Stefan.”
“Sure is… interesting. S’pose that’s what Ah should expect, seein’ as you’re an alien ‘n all.”
I nod, and he smiles awkwardly.
“I don’t suppose you have an explanation for this, Braeburn.” A voice, deep and male, calls from my right side. I go to stand, but there are two quick hooves on my shoulders that force me to the ground. A glance shows me the two equines on either side of me, and a third approaching from the right.
The third is larger than Braeburn, which comes in handy for him as he pushes past Braeburn and stuffs his muzzle in my face, looking me in the eyes.
“We don’t allow any abominations in this here town. Way I see it, you’re sent by the very Nightmare herself. Lock him up, colts!” The last part of his statement was yelled over his shoulder as he walked away from the scene.
Next thing I knew, two ponies hoisted me up by my armpits. I took this opportunity to stand as fast as I could. I whirled around, and launched myself backwards from the two ponies that were previously restraining me. I glanced around for an exit, but the two equines in front of me had already begun to rush at me. I dodged quickly, but not before being caught by the left leg, and being roughly thrown to the ground. I attempted to free my leg, and was successful. However, the horse-things on the ground were collecting themselves for another run at me. I stood as fast as I could.
Movement in my peripheral vision caught my eye, and I saw Braeburn motioning emphatically for me to follow. However, the two equines in front of me blocked my passage.
As they began to charge, I charged at them, and hurtled over them. As my feet hit the ground, I sprinted after Braeburn, who was already making a break for it.
“FOOLS!” I yelled over my shoulder. The group took off after me, and I redoubled my effort. However, the clopping of their hooves close behind me as they closed the distance.
Not two hundred feet away, I saw what looked like a train parked at a small station. Steam poured from its stack, and a whistle blew. Target in sight, I put even more effort into my legs than before, and I was rewarded with extra distance from my pursuers.
Even as I reached the steps, my legs never stopped working. For the ponies, the station platform must’ve been quite a jump, but for me it was easy to bypass going up the steps and just hop over and on top of the platform. Braeburn stopped at the ticket window, quickly tossed some coins upon the counter and took two slips.
He turned just as I arrived, thrusting a hoof out with the tickets inexplicably sticking to it. I took one.
“Here ya go, let’s get on the train!” Braeburn said.
“All aboard, Canterlot Express!” The conductor shouted as the train’s shrill whistle cut through the hiss of steam being released from valves.
When the train began to pull away, Braeburn and I jumped on. The group of ponies following us stood upon the platform, too far away from the last car and without tickets, stomping and shouting at the train. I looked one of them in the eyes before he turned to address his comrades.
I walked into the car Braeburn and I had hopped on, only to be greeted by the too-wide grin of the conductor.
“Ticket, please?” He said.
“Uh, here.” I held it up, and he took a small hole punch to it.
“Thank you!” He said. I sat in a bench across from Braeburn, who locked eyes with me for a split second.
For the next few minutes, the rattling of train wheels on track filled the silence.
“So, ah, sorry ‘bout that.” Braeburn said. He scratched the back of his neck with his hoof.
“Mmh. Do you get that a lot around there?” I said.
“Well, no. But that’s mostly because we don’t get many strangers ‘round town. Especially not ones like yahself.”
“At least I’m special. I’ve always wanted to be special.”
Braeburn smiled slightly. “Well, if’n ya count bein’ chased out of town by mah relatives ‘special,’ then I guess y’all ‘re right.”
“Les sarcasms are bootyful, friend. It seems as if you know the wonders of this booty already. But, let me be the first to tell you, she is a wily beast!” I waved my hands for dramatic effect. “She gets you,” I bared my teeth and curled my fingers in a gesture that probably looked like a cat clawing something. “And then she never leaves you until you take that booty,” I grabbed the air’s imaginary buttcheeks. “And use it.”
“Y’all have quite the imagination, pardner.” Braeburn said.
I relaxed into my seat, took off my backpack, and put my legs up on the rest of the bench.
“Imaginaaaaaaaation.” I said. My hands went in a slow arc as I spoke.
“Ah, ya’ll have fun with that.”
“I intend to. Such fun, much wow. Very sleep.”
Something touched my arm, and I started. My hands shot out to catch myself as I fell to the cabin floor.
“Shit!” I groaned, “I’m awake, I swear.”
“Y’all okay, partner?” Braeburn asked.
“Yeah. We’ve arrived, I take it?”
“Yessiree.”
I quickly gathered my things and slung my backpack over my shoulders.
“Sehr gut, mein kameraden. Let’s go.”
Upon exiting the train, Braeburn and I made for the train station’s exit. A few ponies lingered in the waning afternoon light, either getting off of or onto the train. Nine ponies rushed past us, apparently eager to get to their destination.
“Wait,” Braeburn said, holding out a hoof to stop me. “That was Applejack ‘n ‘er friends!”
Braeburn took off after them, and I quickly followed suit.
“Applejack! Wait up, cousin!” Braeburn skidded to a stop as one of the ponies fell out of step with the others. Said pony’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Braeburn? Ah’m sorry, Ah’ve got ta get to Canterlot on urgent business. Big Mac’ll take care ‘a ‘yall!” Then, orange pony took off after her groupies.
“Applejack! Ah’ve-” The train hissed over Braeburn’s panicked call as it slowly built up speed. Braeburn sighed. “Ah guess we’ll just have to go to the farm, then.”
I raised one of my eyebrows, but said nothing.
Without another word, Braeburn and I left the train station.
“Ah guess Ah should explain. I was lookin’ to stay at my cousin Applejack’s farm here in Ponyville. Since she just left, we’re gonna have to ask ‘er brother, Big Mac.” Braeburn said.
“Is that a problem, or?”
“Nah. After all, she did tell us to. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“Aaaand we’re screwed.”
Braeburn scoffed. “Uh, why ‘d ya say that?”
“Because you,” I jabbed a forefinger at him. “Called down the Wrath of Murphy.”
“Who’s that?”
“You jinxed it.”
“Why didn’t ya just say that earlier?”
“Because I like making slightly obscure references. Though, I guess that since I’m in a world where no-one knows about any of the things I reference, everything I reference will be completely new.”
Several minutes of silence passed as we turned onto an unpaved road off of the gravel one.
“Y’know what?” I said.
“What?” Braeburn said.
“I shall endeavour to educate you on human culture, so that when I make some stupid comment, you will know why. At least it’ll help me remember home.”
“Sounds like a deal.” Braeburn smiled. “It must be so interestin’, bein’ an alien ‘n all.”
“You could say that. Though, I don’t care much for not being able to return home, as you can probably understand.”
“So, what do you wanna teach me about first?” Braeburn said.
I chuckled. “Hmm. History, modern culture, science, geography? Space, maybe? Choose one.”
“Space? What do you mean by that?”
“Well, that’s a pretty hefty topic. Not like any of these are particularly short, but that one’s got some rocket science. So, human fascination with the night sky goes back for millennia before the modern age…”
“So, y’all set foot on your moon?” Braeburn said, amazed.
“Yep. With the help of a massive rocket called the Saturn Five, humanity walked on the moon. Kind of amazing to think about, given that the processing power of my phone alone is greater than something they could build in a space the size of a smallish steam engine. With current technology, establishing a permanent presence on the moon would be easy. In fact, we could use the substantial amount of Helium three on the moon to power fusion reactors that could take us further. Sad thing is, support for those projects kinda dropped off right around when the space shuttle was decommissioned, though there are private companies selling tickets to prospective Mars colonists. All told, it’s pretty cool.” I said.
“One of the princesses went to the moon, y’know. She did it with magic, though, not rockets.”
“Oh, really? That sounds like complete bullsheeit.”
“We’re here.”
Sure enough, a small sign with ‘Sweet Apple Acres’ written upon it stood nailed to a small wooden post next to a fence gate. A burgundy pony leaned against the fence, watching us. He calmly fell to all fours and trotted over to us.
He addressed Braeburn first.
“You must be Applejack’s cousin, Braeburn? I am Red River.” He held out a hoof, and Braeburn took it in his fetlock. The two shook.
“This mah friend, Stefan.” Braeburn said, motioning to me.
Red River’s eyes widened slightly, which seemed like a considerable feat for the pony’s already overlarge eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite see you there.” He held out a hoof, and I took it. “I apologize.” River said.
“No problem. Though, I dunno how you missed me, seeing as I’m a six foot tall ape thing. Braeburn’s told me that you don’t get a lot of us around here.” I said while shaking his hoof.
“You’re right, we don’t.” River took a step back from us. “So, what brings you here?”
“Ah was lookin’ for a place to bed down while we get out a letter to Canterlot. I thought Applejack ‘n ‘er friends might be able to help, but it seems they have their own business.” Braeburn said.
“What were you looking for help with?” River said.
“Getting him,” Braeburn gestured to me, “Back home. We ran from Appleoosa ‘cause Uncle Blenheim and his Order ponies chased us off.”
Nevermind the fact that Braeburn helped me out of the goodness of his heart. I’m not even sure I would do the same thing if I were in the same situation, and I consider myself to be rather generous.
“Well, if you’re trying to go through Canterlot, you’re going to have a tough time. The nobility just got disbanded, and then staged a short-lived rebellion.” River said.
“Figures. Celestia herself came to Appleoosa to deal with all them Order ponies, so I guessed something was wrong. But a rebellion? That’s crazy talk.” Braeburn said.
“Smells like it’s more than just a rebellion to me,” I said. “But that could just be me.”
“Well, whatever the case, we need to talk to Big Mac. ‘D ya know where he is, Mister River?”
“Yes, I do. Follow me.”
We walked for another minute or so before coming upon a quaint farmhouse. A barn stood to the left of it, rather large, but not imposing by any means. We passed the house, and continued into the vast apple orchard that surrounded it. Soon, only the very tip of the barn’s weathervane was visible.
A sharp thwack caught my attention. Beneath a tree, a large bright-red pony with a large green apple on his ass kicked the tree behind him. Muscles rippled underneath his shining coat, and his jaw worked around a thin length of straw. His gaze drifted over to our little group.
“Fancy seen’ you here, cuz.” He said.
“Yah, ah, about that,” Braeburn rubbed his neck with a forehoof. “My friend and I were lookin’ for a place to stay for a while. He got into a little trouble with the Cult ponies, and I thought our best option was Canterlot.”
“So, Ah take it y’all wanted to stay whilst all the bureaucracy worked itself out.” The red pony, who I assumed was Big Macintosh said.
“Yah, that’s about all, cuz.”
“Y’all are always welcome, but we’ve been a little crowded as of late.” Macintosh motioned toward us. “Two of ya’re gonna have to share a room.”
Braeburn glanced at me, and I shrugged. Couldn’t be any worse than basic training.
Oh, how wrong I was.
That night after dinner, Braeburn and I sat on the bed.
“So, ah… how ‘d you want ta do this?” He said.
“Well, I’m in clothing so it shouldn’t be bad if we just slide in. Even if it is a little on the small side, I think we’ll be alright.” I said.
He blushed.
“Fuck it. Let’s do this, Leroy Jankins.” I ripped the covers back and situated myself beneath them. After a moment of awkward staring, I patted the space beside me. “I’ll be the massive ladle, you supply the horsecock. We’ll get along just fine after that, mmmkay?”
“Uh.” His face did a pretty good impression of a tomato. “I don’t-”
I cut him off with a wave of my hand.
“No homosexual actions will take place upon this bed, in this room, between me and you or Big Mac until such time as we are all guaranteed death within the next few hours. Get into bed so we can get some fucking sleep.”
And so he did.
Author's Note
But wait! THERE'S MORE.
I probably won't be updating this. Probably.