Minutes before Attack, Ponyville Trenches, Ponyville, Equestria

If Hookshot was having a bad day, it just got worse. He ended up in a four-horse machine gun team. It had Private Johnathan Hortly, a brown Unicorn with a book for a cutie mark, and a rather sunny disposition, Private Colin “Buzzy” Honeyman, an orange Earth Pony with a Beehive for a cutie mark, and a less sunny disposition, but still sunny, and Private Potter Terran, a dark blue Pegasus with a not-very-sunny disposition, but still an optimist, and a flowerpot for a cutie mark.

“Right. You all know how to operate an HMG, right?”

Everyone looked at Hookshot like he just asked for a volunteer to commit seppuku with a pencil.

“Make love not war, man!” said John.

Hookshot drew a heavy sigh as it sank in that these were not only fresh conscripts, but barely trained conscripts. “Right, I see we have a lotta ground to cover.” He picked up his rifle. “Can ANY of you tell me how to use this?” Potter put a flower into its barrel.

“You don’t. That’s how we come to a full understanding with each other, instead of barbarically killing each other” she said.

Hookshot very strongly considered slapping her, but he had bigger fish to fry. He took the flower out of the rifle and crushed it under his foot. “Listen up, you apes. You ain’t in Hippie-Dippy college anymore, you’re in the biggest battle of the past decade. And if you feel like “making love”, then walk on over to the Grif’s! Lessee how long they laugh at you before they shoot you in the neck.” Hookshot hoped that the silence after his little outburst meant comprehension.

“....Total BUZZ kill, guys, amiright?” Said Buzzy. The other two laughed as Hookshot rolled his eyes.

“Right, then. You use a rifle like this-” Just as Hookshot started demonstrating how to load a rifle, theattack sirens sounded. “Dammit. Right, You-” Hookshot gestured to Potter. “Help me operate this. The rest of you, go get those ammo boxes and extra barrels.” He gestured towards a tunnel that lead to an underground munitions store.

As they ran off to grab them, he turned to Potter.“Awright, Potter, put yer hoof here and help stabilize the machine gun. I’ll do all the firing, you just keep it steady and help reload.” He grabbed the trigger on the Machine gun and levitated the first bullet chain into the gun.

Potter was the first one to lose their smile. “Wait, we’re actually doing this?” Hookshot looked at Potter. “YES, of BLOODY COURSE we’re doing this!” Potter got a dire look on her face and her eyes widened. “Oh my god. I can’t do this.” She released her grip on the HMG.

“AND WHY BLOODY NOT?” Screamed Hookshot.

“I’m… I’m a conscientious objector.” Said Potter as she fell on her haunches.

Hookshot’s eyes widened too, but in realization. “You’re all conscientious objectors? Everyone?”

“Yes, yes. Me, John, Buzz.”

Hookshot suddenly had a revelation. “You’re not in the Equestrian Army, are you?”

“No, I’m in the Ponyville militia. I… I just never expected this to happen… oh god….” Potter started crying. As tears streamed down her face, John and Buzzy returned from the ammo run.

Hookshot got a smile on his face, which was rare for him at the moment. As John and Buzzy stared, He turned to face them, too. “By god, you’re lucky to have me in charge, because I will see that you learn how to kill a fellow being as easily as one might kill a parasprite.” He motioned for them to come over and calm down Potter, and as he loaded the HMG, the first Griffonese figures could be made out on the horizon.

It had been a week since the 15th disembarked the lilac and rolled from Horseshoe bay to The Everfree. What is NOT usually mentioned in the history books is that most of the week spent “Traversing the Everfree” was actually spent trying togetto the damn forest. As ANY episode of the show will tell you, EQUESTRIA IS NOT A NICE PLACE. It RANDOMLY switches between desert and tundra like a goddamn Minecraft world, and what isn’t FLAT OUT UNINHABITABLE either has a spell cast on it, taken by arseholes, or has a city on it. THERE IS ALWAYS A GODDAMN REASON WHY THAT NICE MEADOW OVER THERE IS EMPTY. Be it a curse that withers anything that tries to grow there other than crabgrass, two families that hate each other, or “just” a goddamn sarlacc pit, there is something wrong with this picture. So, YOU try getting an army through a land that has only Chimeras, Manticores, Hydras, and Demons from hell to offer, in a timely manner. IT CANNOT BE DONE.

Ahem, sorry about the tirade. Back to the story. So from Horseshoe Bay the 15th followed the river until they made it to the swamps, and after losing a day to the Everfree’s maze, they were all ready to go- just kidding. Nothing is ever that easy.

Half an hour after(!) attack, Northern Edge of Everfree forest, Ponyville, Equestria.

Lolek stood in the tank, rising out of the commander hatch. He held a pair of binoculars to his eyes, and scanned the landscape. [From what he could see] To the north, the attack there was going well, as the Mechanized rolled over trenches with their armored cars and took the trenches with their dismounted infantry. In the Town itself, which obscured the view to the north, the Equestrian Artillery had stopped for fear of hitting their own troops, The Militia were packing the civilians into the town hall, schoolhouse, and Twilight’s castle, and the Dragoons had started fortifying the buildings to brace against tanks. To the east and west, the combined infantry and tanks were making somewhat slower progress than the Mechanized, but managed to make a setup where the tanks would act as mobile artillery farther back while the infantry took the trenches. And while the actual artillery was out of view, every few seconds the unmistakable roar of “The Emperor's Harpsichord”, the Feared rocket truck of the Griffonese army, would sound and a large part of Ponyville would explode in a fireball, the smoke further obscuring his view.

Lolek had good reason to be happy about this. In the beginning of the war, it was the Ponies who invaded, and with support from The Crystal Empire. They made it very far inland, almost to the Griffon capital [Griffonstone having been the capital of the ancient government, and Gryphgen being the capital of the modern government], and killed many civilians to accomplish this. But after heavy losses in the battle for the Port of St. Pederson, [The Griffonese capital wasn’t THAT far inland, just offscreen when you see a map of Equestria and the Griffonese coast], the Equestrians retreated through the Celestial sea and the Celestial Strait railroad. And after taking Hoofington and the Griffish Isles, all Equestrian presence in The Griffonese Empire was non-existent. And after the Griffish alliance with the Yaks, The Crystal Empire was too busy with that to cover Equestria from the north, so now only the western coast and Ponyville remained as resistance to the conquering of Canterlot. And now it was their turn, their blood would run. As he scanned the landscape, He heard someone swear in a southern Griffonese dialect and looked over to see Conrad and three tank crewmen attempting to get a tank unstuck from the mud, and failing.

“Anderson, you need to push and start the motor at the same time.” He called over. Conrad was just one of those people who he preferred to call by their last name.

“YOU GODDAMN THINK I’M NOT TRYING? THE SUMBITCH TANK WON’T MOVE!” Called back Conrad.

A quick look around yielded that about 20 other tanks had this problem. “Don’t insult the tank, Anderson. It could save your life one day.”

Conrad had his crew stop pushing and went to get some mechanics. Lolek disembarked the tank and started towards the General’s tent. As he neared it, he heard the general talking on a radio.

“Alright, you see the Zebra’s hut?”

…

“Yes, there’s only one. There should be a field of poison joke, follow that and you should be on the swamp.”

…

“What do you mean ‘Which one?’ It’s right there! And don’t let anyone get out of the tanks.”

…

“Alright, you see it. It has the tire tracks, right?”

…

“Good, now, drive north and you should see us in a few minutes.”

…

“What do you mean, the compass points to the Princess’s castle? If you know where the castle is, then go that way!”

…

“MY GOD, JUST FOLLOW THE DAMN SWAMP!”

Lolek poked his head into the tent. Inside were a few company commanders, all of which who seemed uncomfortable, a radioman, who also seemed uncomfortable, and the General yelling into a radio. He hung up. “A DAY until our attack and we’re still missing FIFTEEN PERCENT of our army.”

“Emh, excuse me, general.” Said Lolek.

“WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS IT NOW?” Screamed the General as he started pulling out his hair.

“Uh, well, we have twenty tanks in our position still stuck in the swamp-”

“Yeah, you and every-other FUCKING person here.” Said the General as he Gestured to the other Company commanders in the tent. “Well, Henderson, Since you got here last, YOU CAN FUCKING WAIT FOR HELP FROM ME.”

Lolek felt deeply uncomfortable listening to the General swear at him at him, and as the general turned to yell at the radioman who interrupted him with a call from one of the lost Platoons, which apparently had followed the swamp SOUTH and ended up at the entrance. He started inching his way out. “I’ll just… I’ll just go-”

“NO. YOU CAME HERE FOR MY GODDAMN HELP, AND YOU’RE GONNA WAIT HERE FOR HELP LIKE ALL THE OTHER MOTHERFUCKING SUMBITCHES WHO CAME HERE FOR MY GODDAMN HELP.” Said the General as he yelled into a radio.

Lolek looked around and started slowly backing out again when the General looked away, and when he got out, he broke into a run. When he got back, he found two engineers with a truck attempting to pull out Conrad’s tank, and Conrad sitting inside running the engine while his crewmen pushed. “So, Lolek!” He called out. “What did the General say?”

Lolek got a blank stare on his face. “Words that I’d rather not repeat.”

Author's Note

The Emperor's Harpsichord is based off the actual soviet rocket truck, the BM-13 Katyusha Rocket truck, called "Stalin's organs" based on the sound made while firing.