George Trestale Does a Bad Thing
“Oh my GOD! SHUT UP, PLEASE!”
In an instant, every pony around who had been singing just a couple seconds ago instantly went quiet and turned towards me.
“What’s wrong, George?!” Twilight asked, looking a mixture of both confused and worried.
“Why did you all just start... singing for no reason?! I swear, I thought I was having a stroke or something!”
Lyra emerged from the crowd and walked up to me. “Ponies sing all the time, George! Didn’t you know that?”
“I… I mean, now that I think about it, I guess I did know that. It’s still freakin' weird, though! Could you guys at least, like, give me a warning next time?”
"George," said Twilight, "If you're going to be living in Ponyville, you're gonna have to get used to the way ponies do things."
"Oh, sure, as if I'm here by choice. You know, I could've picked Canterlot instead of this place, if I was given the opportunity."
"Ponies sing there too. You can't escape it, George. Sorry."
"Oh, for god's sake. Fine. As long as I don't have to participate in it."
"Well, you don't have to," said Lyra, "But you should try it sometime! It's fun!"
"I'll have you know I have a terrible singing voice," I said, crossing my arms. "I wouldn't consider humiliating myself in public to be 'fun'."
"You don't need to be a great singer, George," said Twilight. "It's all about expressing your feelings in a fun way!"
"Is that supposed to make me want to do it?"
"Well, maybe, but-" Twilight stopped herself. "No, never mind. We still have the lesson to focus on."
"Can't we at least get something to eat first? It's half past noon," I said, looking at my shiny new watch I totally didn't use some of those donations I received to buy. "I could really use something to eat right about now."
Twilight let out a sigh. "Fine, but you're paying for your own food."
"I'll come too," said Lyra. "I've been craving that burger place downtown."
My eyes widened to the size of saucers and I quickly jerked my vision towards Lyra. "Wait, wait, wait, hold your phones. You've got burgers here?!"
"Uh, yeah?"
"In that case, lead the goddamn way, because we're having burgers for lunch today!"
~~ 15 minutes later ~~
"God damn hay eating ponies with their hay burgers and hay fries and hay in every frickin' thing," I grumbled as I begrudgingly looked over the menu. "I should've known these wouldn't be actual burgers."
"What kind of burgers do you guys have in your kingdom?" asked Twilight.
"Well, they usually have some kind of meat on them. Like, say, turkey. Not hay. Eugh."
"Well, I'm sure there's something on here without hay," said Lyra, scanning the menu for options. "There's the horseshoe fries, why not try those?"
"See, there's a side dish, but I need a main course as well," I said, looking over the menu again as the waitress unicorn made her way to our table.
"Welcome to Buck's Burgers! Have you all decided on what you'd like?"
It took a while, but I finally found a suitable option that would be tolerable for my non-hay-appreciating taste buds: Grilled Cheese. Delicious.
As soon as the waitress had recieved all our orders and departed from the table, I turned to Lyra. "I swear, if their root beer has hay in it I will skin you alive."
Instead of laughing at my admittedly grim joke, Lyra looked to Twilight for a moment, and then back to me. "George, you seem a bit irritable lately. Is something wrong?"
"Irritable? Psssh. Nah, I'm fine!"
"Then why are you crumpling up the menu in your hands?" asked Twilight, pointing with her hoof.
"I am not-" I looked down to find that I was indeed crumpling up the menu. I quickly dropped it on the table. "Man, wasn't the waitress supposed to take the menus with her?"
"You probably freaked her out," said Twilight. "And I agree with Lyra. You weren't this snappy even when I was bringing you in to Celestia. It's almost like you're a different pon- er, person."
I let out a long, agonized sigh. "I'm sorry. It's just, these friendship lessons, man. Why do I gotta go around learning about friendship every day? I don't like having obligations to do things."
"Weren't you obligated to go to your job every day back in Anthropia?" asked Lyra.
"Yeah, technically, but I still went of my own volition. I didn't have to have the job if I didn't want it. Besides, I actually enjoyed that job. I don't enjoy being talked down to about what's right and wrong all day, especially when it's mandated by some Princess who I swear bleaches her fur."
"Princess Celestia does not-" Twilight quickly stopped herself before opening that can of worms. "George, I don't mean to sound like I'm talking down to you. I'm just trying to teach you the same lessons I learned myself when I first moved here."
"Oh, really? Did you really have to learn "stealing is wrong"? And did you learn that by writing friendship reports and taking friendship tests?"
"Well, no..."
"Then why am I doing this crap?! Look, Twilight, I tell you what," I said, pointing my finger in her face. "Give me a week- no, two weeks and I swear to you I will learn a friendship lesson purely through the magic of everyday experiences. If I don't, then I'll do whatever tests and reports you want me to until I'm the goddamn king of friendship."
"What?! That's... well, I guess there can't be much harm in that..." Twilight said, deep in thought. She continued to look down at the table for a second, then looked back up at me. "Alright, George. I'll give you one week. But you still have to write me at least a short report on whatever lessons you do end up learning. I want to make sure you've actually learned something. That's what Princess Celestia had me do."
"See? Now that's reasonability."
"Alright, today's Tuesday, right? So, I'll give you until.. eight P.M. next Tuesday to learn one friendship lesson."
"Done deal," I said, getting up from the table. "Well then, off we go on an adventure of friendship!"
"George, our food isn't here yet."
"Oh, right."
~~~
Twilight, Lyra and I soon emerged from the restaurant with some very full stomachs.
"Alright, well, at least I know there's one good restaurant here," I said, stretching in the sun.
"Well, I've got to get home," said Twilight, walking off. "Remember, George, if you haven't learned a friendship lesson by eight next Tuesday, it's back to friendship tests for you!"
"Pah! I'll learn one, youll see!" I called out to her. "I'll have you know I'm as resourceful as a... an encyclopedia. Yeah, that works."
"Well, George, you'd better start looking for a way to learn a lesson," said Lyra.
"Eh, what's the rush? I've got a whole week. How hard could it be to learn a friendship lesson in one week?"
~ Exactly One Week Later ~
"Oh, shit, I forgot!"
"You forgot what?" asked Lyra.
"The date for Pinkie Pie's 'Welcome to Ponyville' party! Oh god, she's gonna kill me!"
"Oh. I thought you were talking about that friendship lesson you were supposed to learn."
"Friendship lesson? I- Oh, SHIT!"
"You did forget? Are you kidding me?!" Lyra smacked her face with her own hoof. "George, did it seriously not cross your mind for the entire week?!"
"I... I'm not great at remembering things I don't want to do, okay?" I said, shrugging. "Also, is it just me, or are we standing in the exact same spot we were standing in precisely one week ago?"
Lyra looked at the ground around us. "Huh. I guess we are. Weird."
"Well, no time to worry about that! It's 1:00 PM, which means I still have exactly... seven hours to learn a friendship lesson! Come on, Lyra, let's embark on an odyssey of friendship!"
"Oh, right, because I totally don't have anything better to do," she said before being dragged along by my arm. Of friendship.
-*-*-*-
"Alright," I said as I walked through town with Lyra in tow, "So many ponies, so little time. One of them has to have something going wrong I can learn from."
"I dunno," said Lyra. "Everyone seems pretty cheery to me."
"Man, that's one of the problems I have with this town," I said. "Everything's all sunshine and grass fields and puking up rainbows."
"Well, what's wrong with some good positivity?" Lyra inquired.
"Well, you know, it's a 'too much of a good thing' sort of idea," I said, still scanning around for ponies. "It's like in math, where if you add together too many positives, you eventually go into the negatives."
"That... That's not how math works at all. Are you sure you're a scientist?"
"Well, I'm not gonna be able to be one anymore if I'm stuck in this damn place taking friendship tests for the rest of my life!" I said. "My god, there's not one pony in this godforsaken town without a smile on their face! What is this? Mandatory happiness day?"
"George, you don't even know any of these ponies! Maybe you'd have better luck learning a friendship lesson from someone you're actually friends with."
"But who am I even friends with here other than you?"
Lyra just stared at me for a second, letting the answer crawl itself into my brain.
"Oh. Lyra, come on, I do know them, but are they really friends of mine? I mean, we're on good terms and all, but I'm not really all... chummy with them and such."
"Got any better options?"
"I... No, I guess not. Fine, but we're not counting Twilight, right? I don't want her knowing about my predicament."
"Of course not. That leaves five others you could learn something from. In fact, Rarity's boutique is right down the street! Maybe you can learn something from her!"
"Alright, alright, fine. Let's go to Rarity's."
After a brief stint of walking, Lyra and I made it to Rarity's house... er, her boutique. Or is it both?
"It's both," said Lyra, walking up to the door.
"Oh, thanks," I said. "Wait, how did you-" I was interrupted by Lyra knocking on the door. Curse my inability to speak through the sound of knocking.
The door opened, and who else opened the door but- Wait, that wasn't Rarity. That was a tiny little pony who bore a slight resemblance to Rarity.
"Hi, Sweetie Belle," said Lyra. "Is Rarity home?"
"Oh, hey, Lyra!" the little pony said, apparently happy to see her. "I'll go get..." Her words trailed off as her vision drifted from Lyra to me. I let out some attempt at a grin and waved at her.
The tiny pony let out a terrified "EEK!" and dashed out of sight. After standing there in confusion for a moment, I looked over to Lyra.
"Was it something I said?"
"Uh... She might not be very accustomed to seeing humans around," said Lyra. "I take it you didn't see her the last time you were here?"
"Nope. So, what, do all you ponies just know each other or something?"
"Hey, that's just a stereotype!" said Lyra. "But... yes, a lot of us in Ponyville know each other at least by name."
I thought about pointing out how that meant it wasn't a stereotype at all, but I stopped when I heard a more familiar voice approaching the door. "Just what in Equestria is going on down here-" the voice stopped at the door and swung it open. Now, there was Rarity.
"Oh, George! Lyra!" She said, surprised. "From the sound of Sweetie Belle's scream I thought something far worse was standing outside my door."
"Yeah, hey, Rarity," I said, waving again. "Listen, I'm in a bit of a predicament here. Can we come in?"
"Well, certainly."
"Thanks," I said. Lyra and I walked in, and Rarity shut the door behind us.
"Sweetie Belle, it's okay! You can come out!"
I saw Sweetie Belle emerge from a pile of clothes out of the corner my eye and somewhat cautiously walk up to us. "Sweetie, this is George. He's a friend of mine."
Lyra gave me an "I told you so" look. I rolled my eyes in response.
"Oh, okay," Sweetie Belle said, still seeming a little cautious. "Sorry, Mr. George. My friends at school keep telling me about how humans go around eating little fillies."
I put my chin in my hand with a concerned look upon my face, trying to resist the urge to turn her fear into some kind of prank. "Just 'George' is fine. Also, it sounds like you have some very... misinformed classmates. I promise, I won't eat you." I put on a huge grin. "That is, as long as you always eat your vegetables."
"George!" Lyra kicked me in the shin.
"OW! Okay, jeez! I'm sorry!" I said, catching eye of Sweetie Belle's wide-eyed expression. "Look, I don't eat ponies, I promise. Nobody I know does that. Hopefully."
"Well, I assume there was some reason you came here, aside from to give my sister nightmares," said Rarity.
"That's her sister?" I whispered to Lyra. "I thought she was her daughter."
"Good thing you didn't say that, then," she whispered back.
I looked back over to Rarity. "Okay, so here's the thing. Because of... reasons, I need to learn a friendship lesson that I can report to Twilight before eight P.M. tonight. If I don't, well, let's just say I'd rather not go that route. So what I want to know is, is there anything I can do for you that would help me learn a friendship lesson?"
Rarity thought to herself for a moment. "Hmm. Twilight was once in a situation just like this, you know."
"Oh, right, I remember that," said Lyra. "I have some... not-so-flattering memories from that time."
"Really?" I said, curious. "What did she do to resolve her predicament?"
"Er, that's... The details aren't particularly important," said Rarity, clearly trying to change the subject. "However, in the end, all six of us ended up being tasked with writing friendship reports to Princess Celestia."
"Oh, that's great!" I said, grabbing a notebook and pen out of my coat. "Just tell me one of the friendship thingies you learned, and I can pass it off as my own!"
"I don't think Twilight would fall for that," said Lyra.
"She's right," added Rarity. "If you're going to write her a friendship report, it's going to have to be something you've actually learned."
"Alright, well, is there anything I can learn here?"
"Hmm, well, there isn't really anything in particular I need help with at the moment. That is, unless -" She began eyeing my head. "- George, have you ever considered wearing a hat with your ensemble?"
"A hat? No, not really."
"Hm," said Rarity, eyeing me even harder. "Would you mind staying for a moment? I have little experience with human fashion, so this could be a great opportunity for me to learn something new."
"I thought I was supposed to be the one learning."
"All in due time, my dear," said Rarity, pushing me over to her mirrors. "Now, how does this look?" I saw a large black top hat levitate on to my head.
"It's a bit big," I said, trying to keep the hat from falling down over my eyes.
"Well, yes, it is pony-sized. If you like the look, I can make you a version that better suits you."
"Also kinda overly formal. Like, maybe I'd wear something like this to a wedding, I suppose. Not an everyday type thing, though."
"Alright, how about this?" said Rarity as a black fedora levitated onto my head.
"Yeah, gonna have to say a no on that one too. Reminds me too much of some embarrassing early years."
This cycle continued for a good while. Here's a few statements I had to say on some of Rarity's more... interesting suggestions.
"This one's too pink."
"Why is this one made of paper?"
"Is this one made of hay?"
"This one just makes me look like a drug dealer."
"That's not a hat! That's just Sweetie Belle!"
"Oh! Sorry, Sweetie!" said Rarity, taking her off my head. "I believe got a bit too into this."
"That's okay, Rarity," she said. "I really think he looks better without a hat anyway."
"Perhaps you're right," said Rarity, eyeing my hair. "Perhaps you could stand to try a different hairstyle, however. It seems as if you don't really... do anything with it."
"You're right, I don't, and I like it that way," I said, stepping away from the mirror.
"So, George, did you learn anything?" said Lyra, who was looking a bit bored by this point.
"I learned I look best without a hat. That's good to know, I guess."
"It's not much of a friendship lesson, though, is it?"
"Nope. We'd better look somewhere else. Thanks anyway, Rarity. At least I learned something useful."
"Oh, it's no problem at all!" said Rarity. "Please, come back any time!"
Lyra and I walked out of the carousel boutique with nothing to show for it except a lost half-hour.
"Well, this sucks," I said, looking down at the ground. "How do you even learn a lesson, anyway? What's the process for that?"
"Well," said Lyra, "There's lots of ways to learn a lesson. Such as sitting down and listening to Twilight teaching you about one."
"Ha-ha. Very funny. My sides are in orbit. Really, though, how am I going to do this?"
"It's your bet, George. You can't rely on me to figure everything out for you."
"Oh, fine. Let's see." I thought on it for a moment. I thought long, hard, and just really... think-y in general. How do people learn lessons? Being taught them, sure, but... wait.
Oh man, I have an idea.
"Oh, man, I have an idea," I said, turning to Lyra.
"Oh, really? I can't wait to hear this."
"Okay, so, what's the most common way for a little kid to learn a lesson?"
"I don't know, what is it?"
"It's when they've done something bad! They get scolded for it, and then they learn that what they did was wrong!"
"I really don't like the way you're going with this."
"I know, it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. All I have to do is something bad, and when it's all over, I apologize for it, and bam, I've learned my lesson!"
"Really, George? You're going to actively cause misfortune to someone else just to win a bet?"
"No, no! Of course not! It needs to be bad enough for me to 'learn' a 'lesson' from it, but tame enough for it to not have any lasting consequences for anyone. Including myself."
"George, come on. We still have, like, six hours left. We don't have to get too drastic. Look, Sugarcube Corner's probably right down the street. Let's see if Pinkie's there."
"Alright, fine."
Lyra and I eventually made it to Sugarcube Corner. I pushed the door open, and I was immediately given a complete assault on the senses- Or, rather, one sense, that being the sense of smell.
"Holy shit! It smells so sweet in here!"
"I know, right?" said Lyra, taking in a deep breath. "It's the second best part of being here, the first being the food."
"Yeah, tell me about it! It's like I'm eating a cake with my nose." I looked up to the counter, and it was, surprisingly, empty. I looked around and noticed a multitude of balloons and streamers on the walls. All of a sudden, I saw Pinkie Pie herself emerge from under one of the tables.
"Ooh! George! Lyra! I'm still setting up your party! You do know it's at eight, right?"
Oh shoot, that's today? "Uh, yeah! I totally knew that beforehand! Yep! We just wanted to come see how the preparations were going!"
"Oh! It's going great! I've already set up the balloons, the streamers, I've made the party hats, I've prepared the birthday desserts..."
As Pinkie trailed on, I quickly turned to Lyra. "Did you hear that?" I whispered. "The party's a half-hour before my friendship report is due!"
"Right, so, if we're going to make it to this party, you should probably learn your friendship lesson even sooner."
"No, no, Lyra! You gotta think more ambitiously than that! This is the perfect opportunity for me to learn my friendship lesson!"
"...And how is that?"
"All I have to do is sabotage the party in some way, and bam, I have my friendship lesson!"
"I- You- What?! George, that's really mean! Do you have any idea how much work Pinkie puts in to her parties?!"
"Well, sure, but it's not like I'm gonna destroy the whole thing. It'll just be a little prank, you know? Something worth an apology, but still not, you know, mean."
"But that doesn't even make any sense! If it's a prank you have to apologize for, it's going to be a mean one!"
"Eh, I'm sure I can find a middle ground."
"You d- Eugh. George, I'm not going to help you ruin Pinkie's party. Can't you think of anything else? At all?"
"Well, do you have any better ideas?"
"Well, no, but-"
"Then let's just default to mine! Come on, you can even learn the same friendship lesson as me. It's a two-for-one deal!"
"What are you even- No, never mind. I need to go do some other stuff. You can worry about this yourself," she said. And with that, she opened the door and left.
Eh, she'll be fine. I went back over to Pinkie, who was somehow still talking, and quickly interjected. "Hey, Pinkie, you mind if I help you set up the party?"
"-and I'm almost finished with the- Oh! But the party's for you, George!"
"Right, and what better way to make sure I like the party as much as possible than for me to have my own creative input on it?"
"Well, if you really want to, sure!"
"Excellent."
~~ Two Hours Later ~~
"Aaaaand that's the last of it," I said, dotting the last exclamation mark on the party's banner. The banner now proudly read, "Welcome to Ponyville, George Trestae the Human-"
Wait, Trestae?
"Shit!" I exclaimed, scrambling for the paintbrush. "We forgot a letter!"
"Oh no!" said Pinkie. "Maybe you can fit it in between the others?"
Very carefully, I brought my paintbrush down and deftly painted the l between the a and the e. Wow, I drew a straight line. I'm amazing.
"There we go," I said, plopping the paintbrush down into its cup. "Now it's done!"
"Great!" said Pinkie, bouncing up and down. "That was fun! And we got done way faster than if I'd done it alone!"
"Yeah," I laughed. "I actually really enjoyed that. Thanks for letting me help, Pinkie."
I wasn't lying either. That really was fun. In fact, I'm beginning to feel a little bad about what I have planned.
It's too late to back out now though. Besides, it won't be that bad. "Now, Lyra, allow me to inform you-"
Oh, wait. Lyra's not here. I suppose you're gonna have to listen to me outline exactly how this is gonna work, huh? Lucky you. See, over in the corner, right over there, there's a microphone, presumably for whoever wants to talk to the whole party. That serves as the metaphorical "X" marking the spot. Now, in a cleverly concealed spot above the microphone is a bag of flour. You see where I'm going with this right?
There are three streamers leading all the way up to that bag of flour. If any one of those streamers is severed, an entire bagful of flour will be unceremoniously dumped on the head of whoever happens to be standing there at the time. Quick, harmless, and easy! All I have to do is wait for the right target.
Suddenly, Pinkie's voice interrupted my thoughts. "Uh, George? Why are you going around and pointing at the decorations?"
I froze in place. "Uhhhh... I'm just counting the amount of decorations we have. You know, to make sure we have enough to meet the quota for this to officially be a party."
"Oh, right! So we have at least one hundred and twenty-two of them, right?"
Wait, that's an actual rule? Alright, sure, whatever. "Yep, that's right!"
"Man, all that party planning's made me pooped," said Pinkie. "And hungry. You hungry, George?"
"Hell yeah I am," I said, walking up to the counter and admiring the various desserts in there. "Thank god I brought my bits with me."
~~~
"Ugggh, god, I spent all my bits..." I said, lying on the floor. I didn't even know how many cupcakes I'd eaten at this point. I remember taking a bite of one singular cupcake, but it's all just a blur after that...
I heard Pinkie Pie giggle somewhere near me. "Sorry, George! I didn't know you were such a lightweight with desserts!"
I slowly turned my head and looked at Pinkie, who was standing a good few feet away from me. "Yeah, don't worry 'bout me, I'll just be... needing to take a nap, please leave a messsssssage..... . ."
~~~
Blackness. Again. God, I really need to stop going unconscious. This can't be good for my health. I looked around for a moment, realizing that my body actually had a presence in this area. In fact, something seemed... annoyingly familiar.
"Hey, you're back!"
I quickly spun around and was met with my own worst nightmare, the one most annoying person I've ever met in my life...
...Me. Or, more specifically. My head. In giant form.
"You again?! Seriously? I thought last time was a one-time thing!"
"Nope," said giant-me, sprouting a cigarette from his mouth. "Sorry. Hey, you got a light?"
"Hey, I don't smoke! A-At least, not cigarettes. So no, I don't have a light."
"You don't smoke, huh? Why've you got a cigarette in your mouth, then?"
"I do not-" Wait, I do have something in my mouth. I quickly brought my hand up to my mouth and pulled out a pristine, white cigarette.
"Hey, put that back in! I like the taste of the filter," big-head me replied.
"Fine," I said, putting it back in my mouth. "I don't have a lighter, though."
"Yes, you do. Remember? Your shitty powers?"
"Oh, right." I snapped my fingers and produced a tiny flame that I somehow managed to light the cigarette with. I breathed it in and let out a good few coughs. "Man, this tastes like crap," I said, coughing a few more times.
"That's 'cause you don't know what cigarettes taste like," said big-head me, whose cigarette, I noticed, was also now lit. "Why not start, though, if you're Mister Bad Boy now?"
"Because I don't like the idea of paying money to get cancer," I said, throwing the cigarette to the ground and stomping on it. "And I am not 'Mister Bad Boy' just because I'm planning one simple, harmless prank."
"Oh, really?" said head-me, swallowing his cigarette. "Embarassing someone, who could very well end up being Pinkie Pie, in front of an entire crowd, and for what? To win a bet? God, I'm more selfish than I thought!"
"It's not selfish! It's... Okay, maybe it is a little selfish. But if I win this bet, it's less work for Twilight, because she doesn't have to teach me these things personally all the time!"
"Oh, yeah. You're a baron of selflessness. You know, Twilight enjoys teaching you. She legitimately wants to see you learn. Why else would she do it?"
"I'd be giving her the satisfaction of seeing me learn from this, though, wouldn't I?"
"Oh, sure. The appreciation that you pretended to learn a friendship lesson will totally overshadow the fact that you'll have just dumped flour on some undeserving pony's head."
"Yeah, well, screw you! I don't need your advice anyway!"
"Screw me? You quite literally just said, 'Screw me'. When are you gonna learn that you're just insulting yourself?"
"I- Argh. I don't need you. I'll make my own decisions, thank you very much."
"Yeah. You don't need yourself. See how well that goes for you in real life, numbnuts."
-*-*-*-
I opened my eyes to... a ceiling.
"Urgh, my head..." I quickly sat up to find that I was in a remarkably comfy bed, covered with a blanket that had... balloons on it. Yeah, Pinkie probably has something to do with this.
I quickly turned around and looked out the window to see that, my god, it's nighttime. Frantically looking around some more, I saw an open door that led to a downwards staircase, so I slowly dragged myself out of the bed and over towards the door. As soon as I made it to the door, Pinkie Pie, seemingly out of nowhere, appeared right in front of me.
"Ooh, George, you're awake! Just in time! I was just coming up here to wake you!"
"Just in time? For what?"
"The party, silly! It just started!"
"Oh. Shit. I was out that long?"
"Yep. I had to drag you up here after you went into that sugar coma. Don't worry, it happens to ponies all the time when they're new to this place!"
"Yeah, alright... Just give me a moment, I've gotta regain my bearings."
"Alright! I'll go down and let them all know you're up."
As Pinkie headed downstairs, I did some quick stretches and made sure to remember the plan. Cut any one of the streamers to drop the flour. Flour goes on whoever's standing there. Simple and easy.
I think I'm having second thoughts, though. Pinkie and I went through all the trouble to get this party ready, and here I am planning to ruin the entire mood by dousing some unsuspecting pony with flour. I mean, do you have any idea how long it could take to get flour out of your hair? I can't imagine trying to do that.
I... Arrrrrrrgh. But I really don't want to keep doing those friendship lessons. But is that really worth everyone thinking I'm a dick?
...You know what, screw it. I can take the friendship lessons. With my newfound confidence, I walked myself over to the stairs and slid down the handrail. Time to give those ponies a proper entra- Ohshitthere'stheendoftherail-
My body sped right off the end of the handrail and I faceplanted directly into a wall. God, that always looked way more fun in movies...
I peeled myself off the wall, stood up, and turned around only to be met face-to-face with dozens of ponies who were now staring at me with concern.
I quickly pumped my fists up in the air. "Woo-hoo! That's a special entrance we use in Anthropia, ladies and gentlemen. It's only used for the most honored of guests, so y'know. Be honored and stuff."
Surprisingly, this seemed to get the ponies' approval, and they continued talking amongst themselves. I gradually slinked off in the direction of the microphone, but I bumped into someone.
"Oh, sorry, I-" I turned around and saw, to my surprise, Twilight.
"Oh, George!" She said. "I was wondering when you'd be up. Pinkie said you were in a... sugar coma?"
"Yeah, I'd rather not get into it," I said, rubbing the back of my neck.
"I don't blame you. Pinkie's desserts are, well, addicting, to say the least."
"Yeah, it was like I was eating pure crack. That can't have been good for my waistline," I said, patting my stomach. God, I still feel full.
"By the way," said Twilight, "I hate to bug you about this at your own party, but I've been awfully curious about whatever friendship lessons you've learned over the past week."
"Ah-bup-bup! We've still got -" I looked around for a clock for a moment. "Uhh, what time is it?"
"7:46." She pointed to a clock on the wall.
"Then, fourteen minutes before it's all over! I'll talk to you about it then, alright?"
"Alright, alright. Enjoy your party, George!"
I nodded and stepped over to the microphone, making sure not to get too close as to make anyone think I was about to speak to the entire crowd. That would be embarrassing. I looked up at the bag of flour over the microphone and traced the three streamers leading away from it, taped to three different parts of the room. I can't really disable the trap in any sort of clandestine way, but as long as none of the streamers get cut, I should be good. I started to walk away from the microphone, but I was stopped by Pinkie Pie appearing in front of me yet again.
"Ooh, George, you're awake! Did you have something to say to the party? I can show you how to work the microphone!"
"No, no, no, I'm fine, Pinkie! Just making sure everything's wired correctly."
"Okie-dokie-lokie! You want a drink or anything? Applejack brought some of her apple cider!"
"I- Sure, yeah." Pinkie showed me over to where Applejack's cart was situated. Applejack, understandably, was there serving cider to the partygoers. Rainbow Dash also happened to be next to the cart, taking a huge swig of cider from her own mug. I walked up to the cart, and Applejack quickly took notice of me. Rainbow, on the other hand, was still too busy chugging her cider to notice.
"Well, howdy there, George! I was wonderin' when you were gonna show up."
"Yeah, sorry. I was in a sugar coma."
"Yep, I get that," said Applejack. "Now, I reckon the last thing you'd wanna do right now is put more sugar into your system, but y'all are free to have some of my cider if you like."
"Sure, why not? I've got nothing to lose. I could stand to gain diabetes from this, but whatever." Applejack filled up a mug and handed it to me just as Rainbow finished hers.
"Hah!" She said, slamming her mug down onto the cart. "I told you I could do it, Applej- Oh, hey, George! When'd you get here?"
"Like, thirty seconds ago. You were practically making out with that mug."
"Yeah, heh. I wanted to get every last drop out of this bad boy. You'll understand why once you try it," she said, urging me on.
"It's that good, huh?" I said, glancing down into the slightly foggy, frothy brown liquid. "Alright, here goes." I took a small sip from the mug.
Holy horseapples.
"Oh my GOD! This is AMAZING!" I exclaimed. "I- Hey, where'd it go?" I looked into my mug and there wasn't a single drop of cider left. I looked over at Rainbow, who, for some reason, was staring at me with her jaw halfway to the floor. "Uh, Rainbow, you alright?"
"Uh, George, didn't you see what you just did?" said Applejack. "Y'all just drank that entire thing in one go. I ain't never seen somepony drink cider so dang fast."
"Sweet Celestia, George, you're insane!" said Rainbow, patting me on the back. "It's like you just dumped the whole thing down your throat! You've gotta teach me that!"
"But..." I said, looking down at the tragedy in my mug. "I wanted to savor it... Now it's all gone..."
"Sorry, George," said Applejack, "But seconds'll cost ya. I can't afford to give all this stuff away for free."
"Aw, I spent all my money on cupcakes earlier... Oh well. Thanks for the cider anyway, Applejack. I'll be sure to buy a hell of a lot more of it next time I get the chance."
"Anytime, partner."
I set the mug back on the cart and wandered off into the crowd, inadvertently running into Rarity in the process.
"Oh, George! Good to see you! You're looking... tired," she said.
"Yeah. Blah, blah, sugar coma, blah blah."
"Oh, yes. I understand. By the way, your hair is looking a bit more unkempt than usual."
"Oh, is it?" I quickly ran my hands over my hair a few times to try and straighten it out. "Is that better?"
"Yes, better, though still not great. Is that all you do to your hair every morning?"
"Pretty much, yeah. I'm not super concerned with what it looks like, as long as it's not too long or too short."
"Well, the best kind of fashion is the kind you personally like the most," said Rarity. "I hope you're enjoying the party, George. You seem a bit worried."
"Worried? No, no! Everything's fine! I just hope everyone enjoys the decorations I helped set up."
"Oh, you helped set up the party, George? That's thoughtful of you."
"Well, the party is centered around me, so you can't give me too much credit." I laughed for a moment. "It was fun, though."
"That's good," Rarity said. "Oh, here comes Pinkie now. And it looks like she has someone else in tow..."
"Hey, George!" said Pinkie, bouncing over to me. "I brought someone with me for you to meet!" She reached behind her back and brought out a nervous-looking Fluttershy.
"Uh, Pinkie, I've met Fluttershy before."
"Yeah, but you two have barely talked! She barely got any lines last time!" She set Fluttershy on the ground in front of me. "You should talk, you know? Get to know each other!"
"I mean, I guess." I looked down at Fluttershy. "You're the shy one, right? I figured, from your name."
"Y-Yes," she said, not making eye contact. "Sorry, I'm not great at introducing myself to new people, so I never really talked to you much..."
"That's fine," I said, trying to put on a comforting grin. "I didn't pay much attention to you either, so we're even in a sense, right?"
Fluttershy looked up at me and smiled slightly. "I guess so."
"Here," I said, putting my hand out. "We can even do a formal introduction for the first time. You know, to make up for never really talking before."
Fluttershy timidly put her hoof into my hand and shook. "Alright. I'm Fluttershy. Nice to meet you."
"George Trestale, and likewise," I said, letting go of her hoof. "See, now we're acquainted! We've gotta be friends now."
"Well, everyone else seems to be, so I guess so," she said, smiling.
Not much left to mention that I could think about, I began looking around the room. It's a nice atmosphere, this place has. Ponies socializing, I'm more or less the center of attention, plus that tear on that streamer adds a nice authentic-
Wait, the tear on the streamer?! My vision quickly darted back to one of the streamers leading up to the bag of flour. Sure enough, it was tearing from the sheer weight of the bag.
"Oh, shit!" I shouted. I darted through the crowd of ponies and grabbed the streamer just in time to stop it from tearing completely.
"Phew," I said, carefully opening my hand a bit. Yeah, this isn't gonna hold without me, well, holding it. I need to reinforce it somehow. Looking over the crowd, I noticed Pinkie walking amongst them.
"Pinkie!" I shouted. She didn't hear. "PINKIE!"
Wait, where'd she go?
"What?" I heard behind me. I jumped a foot in the air and almost let go of the streamer. I instantly jerked my vision towards her. "Pinkie! Don't do that, for god's sake!"
"Sorry!" said Pinkie. "Just a habit!"
"I was just wondering, do you have any, uh, tape or something? This streamer's tearing, and I need to reinforce it."
"Oh, sure!" said Pinkie, producing a roll of tape out of nowhere and handing... wait, no, not handing, she has a hoof... hoofing it to me? No, that just sounds weird. Oh, fuckin', I don't know, she gave it to me. There.
I quickly grabbed the tape and wrapped a few layers around the ripped part of the streamer. There, good as new.
"Oh, by the way, George, I wanted you to go on stage and say a few things to everyone!"
"Huh?!" But before I could respond, I was already being pushed in front of the microphone by Pinkie.
Instantly, every eye in the audience turned towards me. I hesitated to say anything for a moment, instead taking the time to look over the crowd. Man, Twilight and her friends are here but... Lyra isn't. Jeez, I wish I hadn't disappointed her like that. I've got to tell her I cancelled the prank. You know, that I realized how wrong I was. In a sense, you could say that I learned... my...
...lesson.
Holy crap, I learned a friendship lesson!
That's pretty convenient, actually. I looked at the clock. Three minutes to go. With another burst of newfound confidence, I stepped right up to the microphone and began saying whatever popped into my head at the moment.
"Greetings, Equestrians! It's me, George Trestale! Yes, the very same man who wanted to destroy Ponyville, but instead chose to save it!"
That got some mixed reactions from the crowd. I'm not so sure all of them knew about the "wanting to destroy Ponyville" part beforehand.
"And, uh, now that I'm here, I can say with absolute confidence that this is really just a great town. Yeah, it's super lighthearted, everyone's ridiculously friendly, but that's just what makes this place so special. You know how when you're at home with your family, you really feel at home because your family's there? The people you truly trust? Well, Ponyville's like that, except with the whole town. It's like the entire town's your family."
I'll admit, I'm mostly bullshitting this. Anything to get their minds off the "wanting to destroy Ponyville" thing.
"And furthermore..." My voice trailed off as I noticed the tape on the streamer beginning to stretch out. The ponies in the crowd started looking around trying to figure out what I was looking at. I looked up in just enough time to see the bag of flour start to fall.
Well, if anyone deserves to have flour dumped on their head, it's me. Besides, I can just make it into a joke.
However, rather than a mass of flour being dumped onto me, I felt a hard thud on my head and I went out like a light.
~~~
"George!"
Eugh...
"GEORGE!"
Five more minutes, mom...
"Huh? I think he's waking up, guys!"
I slowly opened my eyes to see my vision filled with Twilight and her friends. And... Lyra.
"Ugh, god, my head..." I barely managed to get out. "Oh, Lyra, you're here. You're not dead too, are you?"
"Nope, and neither are you," she said. "You're an idiot, George, you know that?"
I let out a weak laugh. "Heh, yeah..." I sat myself up. "I think I'm gonna need to see a doctor after being knocked out so many times. God, how long was I unconscious for?"
"About thirty seconds," said Rarity. I looked behind me only to see a crowd of some very shocked ponies.
"What in tarnation even was that?!" exclaimed Applejack. "Why'd a bag of flour come down and knock ya on your head?"
"Yeah, you went out like a light!" said Rainbow. "Like, your body just hit the floor! We thought you were dead for a second!"
"We did not," said Twilight. "But, yeah, I'm awfully curious where that came from."
Not answering their questions quite yet, I got up so I could regain my balance. Man, I hope I don't have a concussion.
"Oh, George, I'm sorry!" said Pinkie. "Something must've went wrong during planning! Maybe I forgot a bag of flour on the roof, or maybe it was left over from that time I babysitted? I don't know!"
"Pinkie!" Lyra interjected. "This wasn't your fault."
"It wasn't?"
"No. In fact, I think you should ask George here who's to blame."
In an instant, the eyes of every pony in the room turned directly to me. Yeah, thanks, Lyra.
"That's, uh, well, yeah." I wasn't quite sure how to put this. Let's just go for the overly-dramatic, I suppose. "No worries, everyone, because I do indeed have the answer to this mystery!" Strangely enough, me phrasing it that way really seemed to get the crowd invested.
"That bag of flour was placed by none other than I, George Trestale!" That statement garnered a gasp from almost everyone else in the room. Man, these guys are a good crowd. "You see, the bag was simply supposed to dump the flour out, not fall on my head. It seems I made some sort of miscalculation there."
"Why would you want to dump flour on yourself?" asked Fluttershy.
"Ah, yes, that," I said, losing a bit of my air of confidence. "Well, you see, approximately one week ago I made a bet with Twilight here that I could learn a friendship lesson all by myself in just one week. I then proceeded to completely forget about it for, well, almost the entire time. So, I was left with a conundrum, having to learn a friendship lesson in a singular day instead." I turned to Twilight, who looked both unimpressed and unsurprised.
I turned back to the crowd. "See, I eventually got an idea. What if I were to do something bad, apologize for it, and act like I learned a lesson in the process? So, that's exactly what I did. I set up that trap on stage while I was helping Pinkie get the party ready. It was supposed to dump flour on, well, anyone other than me who happened to get on stage."
"So you only helped so you could set up this prank?" said Pinkie, who, for once, seemed to gain an air of slight disappointment.
"No, no, Pinkie! I really, genuinely enjoyed setting up the party with you! I just also had some secondary motivations."
Pinkie didn't look completely reassured, but she did seem to display some small amount of relief.
"Anyway, after I woke up from a cupcake-induced sugar coma, I was able to reflect on everything I was about to do, and I suddenly realized - 'Hey, this is a really mean thing to do!' So, I cancelled my plans to do it. Unfortunately, it seems that the trap triggered anyway while I was on stage, and, well, here we are."
After remaining silent for a moment, no one said anything, so I continued to talk. "Look, I know that what I was going to do was, let's say, a dick move. Like, in terms of jerk-y things I've done, this is like, at least a four on the scale." This was getting actively painful for me to say. It's so cheesy. I was definitely being a bit overly-dramatic, but I wanted to really drive the point home, you know?
I wanted to stop talking there, but everyone kept looking at me like they expected me to say something else. What more do they want from me, damn it? Alright, well, let's see if I can think of something else to phone in.
"It's funny, just earlier today I was thinking I could lie and cheat my way past learning about the magic of friendship. But, uh, given my probable concussion, it seems pretty evident how that wasn't a good idea. And, really, all of that just to avoid being taught friendship lessons? Twilight's just been trying to help me. And that's what I do in return. Kinda dickish, I gotta say."
After a moment of near-total silence, Lyra decided to speak up. "Isn't there anything else you'd like to add to that?"
"Huh?" I looked at her for a moment, taking a good few seconds to decipher what she meant. "Oh. Right. I'm... sssssorry." Jeez, it felt like my whole body was rejecting the very concept of me saying that phrase.
As much as I kinda reviled saying all of that, I did still mean it - although, I wish I could've phrased it in a much less sappy manner. I stood there in silence for a moment before Applejack walked up next to me. "For the record, partner, I don't think you're a jerk or anything like that. Yer a little weird, sure, but what I said a month or two ago still stands. You're an alright fellow to me."
"Yeah, come on, George!" said Rainbow, flying up on my other side. "I've done pranks way worse than dumping flour on somepony! Your attempt was pretty weak in comparison, honestly."
"I think you're fine too," Fluttershy said without actually walking up to me.
"It's as they said," said Rarity, joining the other two ponies with me. "We've forgiven others for far worse things. This is, quite honestly, small potatoes by comparison."
I looked behind me at Twilight, Pinkie and Lyra. Twilight was smiling gently, as was Lyra, but Pinkie still didn't quite look herself.
"Pinkie, are you alright?"
"Yeah. I just thought that we were making this party together because we were friends. Not just for your prank, you know?"
"Pinkie, it's just like I said," I said, crouching down to her level. "I enjoyed every moment of setting up this party! It's my party, after all, isn't it? Not to mention, I normally hate setting up stuff like this. But you made it fun, Pinkie. I've gotta give you credit for that."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really. Is that a good enough apology? Seriously, I need some feedback on this."
"Well, could I have a hug first?"
I almost rolled my eyes, but screw it. I leaned in and hugged her. Wow, I never realized a pony's fur could be so soft.
"I feel better now," said Pinkie. "There's just one thing I wanted to tell you." I felt her hug get a bit tighter.
"Uh, sure, what's that?"
"I would really, super-duper appreciate it if you never ever, ever, ever" - Her hug tightening with each "ever" - "try to sabotage one of my parties again! That's all!"
"Yeah! Sure! Totally! Please let go!" I squeaked out.
"Great!" said Pinkie, who finally decided to let the air travel back into my lungs. Taking a breath for a moment, I got up and looked at the clock. 8:02.
I turned to Twilight. "Well, it's past eight. Guess I lost the bet."
"Technically, yes," said Twilight. "But, I'd say that was by far the best friendship report you've ever given. That's not saying a lot, but it means something here."
"So... Does that mean I don't have to still do friendship tests?"
"Hmm. Well, I'll let you off the hook for now, but I might still surprise you with a pop quiz every now and then."
"I can deal with that," I said, turning to Lyra. "Lyra, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. You were my first real friend after I lost my memory. I should've put more trust in your judgment."
"It's fine, George. I can get over it. That is, on one condition."
"And what would that be?"
"You have to sing in front of all these ponies about you being a dummy-head."
...She was serious, wasn't she? "A dummy-head?! Do I really have to use that wording?"
"Hey, you're the one who said friendship needs commitment. Now it's time for you to demonstrate that."
"Oh, fuck me."
