A+ negotiations, Princess.

by Nikolai the Gryphon

Rating: teen
Tags: Griffons, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Royal Guard
Length: 2740

Twilight attempts to negotiate with Griffonese ministers by talking about friendship and magic. It goes as well as you'd expect.

"Alright, let's say that the world WOULD stop spinning if the princesses died. That's ONE SHIT WORLD ya got there, hmm? Why would the world give this magic to only TWO BEINGS if it had no way of making sure that the Princesses couldn't die?" Said Riley.

"Oh, come on." Said Twilight. "The princesses are IMMORTAL!"

"Really? What about the wedding incident? What about Tirek, which, mind you, the Sisters did an absolutely A-PLUS job keeping from escaping from hell." Replied Monty.

"If only they ACTUALLY SENT HIM TO HELL VIA DISINTEGRATION RATHER THAN SENDING HIM TO A GLORIFIED DUNGEON!" Shouted Riley.

Published 2017-11-29 03:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-27 02:48:09 UTC

Just... Just A+.

"...And if Equestria does not give in to our demands, then Our Emperor's Parliament will be forced to cut off trade with the nation of Equestria, which, while hurting both our economies, will cause yours to collapse in a matter of weeks." Said Monty. "So, this leaves us with the million dollar question: do you concede to our demands?"

Princess Twilight stared, slack jawed. "What... You can't expect us to just GIVE you the rest of the Griffon Isles, A monopoly on fishing, one bobble-head from every family, and all of the Princess' jewelry!"

"Ohhh, wrong answer! Riley, what's her consolation prize?"

Riley pulled out a manila envelope. "Well, Monty, Miss Sparkle here gets to take home a declaration of severing of ALL diplomatic, economic, and military ties with Equestria! But, Monty, that's not all!"

Twilight put her face into her hooves. "You two are taking this WAY to lightly."

"Really, Riley? What else does our contestant get?"

"Well, Monty, she gets to take home a scathing sense of disappointment from her mentor, Celestia, and, in all likelihood, A ONE WAY, ALL EXPENSES PAID, TRIP TO THE MOON!"

Monty feigned amazement. "AMAZING! THE LAST contestant to lose the "Favor with Celestia" Lottery got a vacation to 'Magic mirror' land! This is even better! If ONLY she had stuck around!"

"Hey!" said Twilight. "I'll have you know that she's good and friend-ified now!"

Riley turned to Monty. "Listen to her, 'Friend-ified'. It sounds like she's running a cult!"

Twilight sighed. "Listen, how about we talk about this? I'll talk to the princesses about demands Two to Four, but Ownership of Trottingham is NON-NEGOTIABLE."

Monty picked up a phone to the Prime minister. "She says that she won't give up Trottingham." After a minute, he put down the phone. "Let's make a deal. If we take all the other demands off, you give us Trottingham. Hmm?"

Twilight saw that this would not be going well if she continued in the direction that Riley and Monty were driving it. "Listen, why not just DROP the whole 'Trottingham' issue, and we'll talk about how we're GREAT ALLIES and even, Friends, on the grand scale."

"Really? Great Allies?" Asked Monty, reaching for something.

"We're not supposed to bring that up until the Equestrian Monarchy concedes to-"

"Screw that, they'll never give in to demand number four. And I seriously doubt that she-" Monty gestured to Twilight, "Actually believes that our economy is so much stronger than theirs that we'll survive total economic cutoff." Monty pulled out a folder labeled: Disparities in Economic, Political, Social, and Military alliances with the Equine monarchical state.

Riley and Monty stared at Twilight as she levitated the folder over, then opened it. "What in the name of Celestia is this?"

"That, my hoofed muchacha," Replied Riley, "Is a summary of Everyone's contributions to the "Pan Continental Alliance" that the head of the Equine nation, namely Celestia, is 'Hegemon' of. Let's take a look-see here, hmm?" Riley and Monty both took out their own folders and opened to the section denoted with a pink sticky note. "Hmm hmm HMM! What do we have HERE?"

Twilight could only look at the page as Riley and Monty read out numbers.

"Saddle Arabia: The equivalent of Eight Billion Equine Bits [EB] contributed to the Pan Continental fund [PCF]."

"Gryphgen Empire: The equivalent of Two Billion EB contributed to the PCF."

"Zebra Nation: The equivalent of Eight-hundred Million EB contributed to the fund."

"Yakyakistan: The equivalent of Six-Hundred Million EB contibuted to the PCF"

"Reformed Changeling Nation: The equivalent of One-Hundred Million EB contributed to the PCF, when subtracting the Four-hundred million given in aid from the fund."

"Crystal Empire: One-Hundred Million EB contributed to the PCF."

"And the Equine nation itself, GOOD OLD EQUESTRIA!"

"AH, and, the number one lowest contribution to the PCF is..."

Monty drummed the table with an excited look on his face as Riley read the number.

"ZERO EQUESTRIAN BITS!"

Monty threw some ripped up paper in the air for confetti, and Riley lamented on the irony. "It's funny how, Equestria, the very nation that PUSHED for this alliance and is currently the head of it, talking about all the economic benefits it would bring, has contributed ZERO BITS. It's almost as if they suckered us into this "Alliance" SO THEY COULD MOOCH OFF EVERYONE'S MONEY."

Twilight picked a piece of confetti out of her hair and slowly looked up from her folder, formulating a response in her head. "These are just the MOST RECENT numbers! What about taking into account all of Equestria's other contribut-"

Monty flipped a page in the folder. "We thought you would say that, so we took the liberty of doing that! Last year: ZERO BITS. The year before that: ZERO BITS. The year before that: ZERO BITS. Need I say more?"

Twilight bit her lip and levitated a phone over. "Alright, Alright, I'll see what I can do about the Griffon Isles-"

"NO." Said Riley. "This is now just us airing grievances at you, and by god, IT IS GLORIOUS."

"AND we haven't even gotten to the SOCIO-POLITICAL grievances!" Said Monty as he and Riley flipped to the section denoted by a PURPLE sticky-note.

Twilight sighed. She dialed the phone, but instead of to Celestia, she dialed to Spike, to ask him to bring her coffee. It was going to be a long night.

"Number one:" Read Riley. "While everyone else, EVEN the Changeling Nation, has put forth legislation and laws making it easier for citizens of other nations to live there, Equestria has FORMED A DEPORTATION BUREAU AND IT'S POLICE HAVE STARTED PROFILING NON-EQUINES. What is UP with that?"

"NUMBER TWO:" Read Monty. "While The Griffonese Empire and Saddle Arabia have scaled DOWN arms dealing and Military Recruitment in an attempt to keep the peace, Equestria, which ALREADY had very little of both, down-scaled it's Weapons Manufacturing and Recruitment from a little to A FUCK TON. I'm sorry, did I say down-scaled? I meant up-
-scaled."

"Well, with that, I think you can understand that we're doing that to allow contribution to the military stockpile-"

"WHICH is a nice segue to military grievances, despite cutting off the Social Grievances." Said Riley.

"Now, Since contribution to the military stockpile is measured in the amount of troops a nation has, I'll just jump to: Equestria. Practically NO military [During peacetime], and a couple thousand Royal Guards scattered around, mostly in Canterlot."

"Would It KILL you to have a standing army worth noting? Or does that interfere with your mission of "FRIENDSHIP" and "LOVE" and "PEACE" and "TRUST" and "STABBING ALLIES IN THE BACK"-"

At this point Twilight lost it. "LISTEN UP YOU FLYING RATS! EQUESTRIA IS THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY, IN THE WORLD, WE CONTROL THE EARTH, WEATHER, AND MAGIC, AND IF WE EVEN SLEPT IN FOR A MINUTE, IT WOULD BE THE END OF DAYS FOR YOU! AND BY CELESTIA, IF THE HOLY SISTERS CHOOSE TO STOP THE SUN SHINING IN THE GRIFFONESE EMPIRE, SO BE IT!"

While Twilight calmed down, Riley and Monty calmly wiped the spittle off their faces, put away their documents, and Folded their hands.

"Oh, really?"

Twilight was surprised that Riley was completely calm as he started his response.

"Oh, really? Alright, let's say that the world WOULD stop spinning if the princesses died. That's ONE SHIT WORLD ya got there, hmm? Why would the world give this magic to only TWO BEINGS if it had no way of making sure that the Princesses couldn't die?" Said Riley.

"Oh, come on." Said Twilight. "The princesses are IMMORTAL!"

"Really? What about the wedding incident? What about Tirek, which, mind you, the Sisters did an absolutely A-PLUS job keeping from escaping from hell." Replied Monty.

"If only they ACTUALLY SENT HIM TO HELL VIA DISINTEGRATION RATHER THAN SENDING HIM TO A GLORIFIED DUNGEON!" Shouted Riley.

"Th-Th-Tha-That-" Twilight sputtered. "That's no proof that the Princesses aren't immortal!"

"Sure, but they can sure take one DAMN GOOD BEATING! You use the word "Celestia" the same way WE use the word 'God'! If that's what you think, then why was CADENCE, THE PRINCESS OF LOVE HERSELF, ABLE TO BE DEFEATED BY CHRYSALIS, THE FORMER LEADER OF THE CHANGELING COLLECTIVE?"

"But... But-"

"AND ALSO! If EQUESTRIA really DOES control the magic, weather, and earth, you sure do a SHIT job at that, too, as your country has SO MANY PROBLEMS, YOU HAVE TO EMPLOY THE HELP OF A MAGIC TABLE TO KEEP TRACK OF IT! And why THE HELL do the other continents care about what EQUESTRIA is doing, all the way across the ocean?"

"That's still not proof that Alicorns aren't immortal-"

"Fine." Said Monty.

...

...

...
"Fine?" Asked Twilight.

"Fine." Replied Monty. "You want GODDAMN PROOF? I'LL GIVE YOU GODDAMN PROOF!" Monty pulled a revolver, cocked it, and pointed it at Twilight's face.

"Oi! OI! MONTY! PUT DOWN THE GUN!"

"NO! IF SHE WANTS THE DAMN PROOF, SHE CAN HAVE IT VIA A BULLET TO THE HEAD!" When Monty turned his head to the side to talk to Riley, Twilight pressed the button that would cause the room to fill with Equestrian Guards. Unfortunately, It also caused the room to fill with Griffish Guards.

One Equestrian Guard pointed a crossbow at Monty. "Listen up, man. You are going to STAND DOWN." Monty did not move.

"Monty, Buddy, put the pistol down and the nice Equines with crossbows will put them down." Said Riley, as he slowly took out a tranquilizer gun and pointed it at Monty's head. He nodded to the Griffonese Guards, and took the shot.

With an elephant tranquilizer in his head, Monty turned to face Riley. His eyes rolled into his head, and he fell over onto Riley. Twilight looked down at Monty, and as Riley hoisted him into a fireman's carry, she stood up, levitated a few guards out of the way and right before the door, she stopped, turned around, and opened her mouth to say something. Before she could do so, however, Riley interjected.

"So, you'll ask about the Griffon Isles, right?"

Twilight glared breifly at Riley, and then turned around and slammed the door behind her.

Riley stared blankly at the shut door. "So, yes, no maybe? Don't leave me hanging, man!"

Author's Note

Based off of Ambassador Riley Corey's bestselling book:
The Princess of Friendship made a terrible ally;
Stories from my time as Ambassador to the Equine Nation

Despite it being admitted by Sir Riley beforehand that the story had been embellished a bit, it is still the most banned book in Equestria, even over MANY dark magic books.

Bonus chapter: Why the hell not?

Every PG-13 film is allowed one F-bomb. I think that the Sh-bomb also counts, and thus, after my one use, every instance of a swear word will be replaced by my attempt at spelling it with symbols and special characters.

Monty sat in the Griffonese Emperor's court. A ball and chain around his ankle, and two Praetorian Guards next to him, he watched the Emperor as he read from a list.

"...And to total, we have eight counts of threatening a foreign diplomat, around twenty counts of using diplomatic immunity to get out of petty crimes in other countries, and over one-hundred counts of heresy against other religions and rulers, which have almost gotten you publicly executed every-single-time. What made you think that any of what you did was a good idea?" The Emperor took off his reading glasses.

Monty stood up. "Well, You see, I think that everybody has the right to do whatever, wherever, whenever they want. I follow the mantra "Why the hell not", and to boot, I personally think that-"

"Lemme get this straight." The Emperor leaned forward in his chair and cupped his hands around his beak. "You mean to tell me that you've committed ALL these crimes overseas, and the whole reason you did so, was for SHITS AND GIGGLES?"

"Well, YOU sure are one to speak, hmm Emperor?" Riley inexplicably showed up behind him.

"Oh sweet Jesus, no. Anybody but you." The Emperor winced.

"When you were a spry, young prince, not yet tarnished by old age and power, or, to quote Paul McCARTneigh, "When you were young, and your heart was an open book,", you did some pretty brash and rude things too, eh?"

"Ah, to be young again." The Praetorian guards did a double take. Monty had somehow slipped the ball and chain and pulled up a chair in front of the emperor. "Let's take a nice looksee at these files, eh?"

The Emperor motioned for the guards to exit the room. "I'll suffer by myself, thanks."

"Now, what do WE have here?" Riley pulled out a stack of documents that were SUPPOSED to be classified, but, eh, #@(# it, he had them anyways. He whistled. "Now this, THIS is the $#!+ that could get a man thrown into a dungeon for life!"

"It could also get you thrown into a dungeon for reading it..." Mumbled the Emperor.

"Lessee here... Hey hey hey! Whuzzis?" Monty pulled out a paper that was titled List of Foreign Rulers that Prince Griffa Talonburg the Second has attempted to court "Well I'll be damned! And we always thought that yer highness was such an uptight, conservative ruler, but you're just like yer father!"

"Well, won'tcha lookit this? "Incident Fifty Seven: Griffa attempted to court Equestrian Princess of Friendship with a stack of books, a bottle of champagne, and the promise that 'You can re-organize MY library anytime, baby." He was promptly turned down and almost arrested for sexual harassment of a foreign ruler!'" Well, One might think that after the Fifty Seventh time, he would've stopped, but this is over ONE HUNDRED incidents! One could make a rather nice book out of this. "Talonburg's little black book" we'd call it."

"That was over thirty years ago, and I already publicly apologized. Well, Thirty years ago, I did, BUT my point still stands-"

"Oh, Griffa, if only that was all. But WE have SO MUCH MORE!" Riley pulled out a filing cabinet, reached into a drawer, and pulled out a rather thick binder that said Times Talenburn almost got the world destroyed by pissing off a magical power.
"Well, let's look in here!" Riley opened it, looked around, then shut it. "Sorry, my file. I'm looking for "Times TALONburg almost got the world destroyed by pissing off a magical power." He replaced the "Riley Talenburn" folder and took out a Slightly less thick binder. "Lessee here... Most of the "Little Black Book" incidents are in here... Ah, here's a new one!"

A file that says "Incident two-hundred and something something AB, we lost #@(#ing track around the one-hundred fifties" is a very bad sign, and reading it continued this trend. "For the eightieth freaking time", Monty read, "Griffa has "accidentally" told the Changeling Collective that it's "just a bunch of bugs", and then proceeded to quote that Paul VerHooven movie about the space marines. And for the fifth time in the row, like a little #&(#ing baby brother, The Changelings proceeded to cry "My big brother Equestria will get you for that!" And then they ran, crying, like the little infants that they are, to Equestria, and then Griffa had to negotiate for peace, and once again get even MORE things negotiated out from under him, and this ALL wouldn't have happened if Griffa had JUST KEPT HIS TRAP SHUT." Well, Yer highness, I quite though that-"

"Alright, enough from both of you. I'll see that your sentences are dropped, just as long as you just SHUT UP and leave me alone." The Emperor called in the Praetorian guards to take them away.

"That wouldn't happen to include leaking these documents, would it?" Riley asked.

"Sure. Leak all you want, just never come within hearing range of me again."

"Alrighty, then. Would writing a book and then self publishing it count as leaking?"

"... What exactly are you saying here?"

"Well, let's just say that I did exactly just that."

Author's Note

Incidentally, Riley's OTHER book, "Talonburg's Little Black Book", Continues to sail at the top of Equestria's bestselling charts. Meanwhile, it isn't banned, persay, in Gryphgen, but last we checked, Griffa had every copy he could obtain burned, so, sure, banned, why not.