Do Ponies Even Have a Word for What You've Done, Rainbow?
In a novel twist, Rainbow Dash got to throw the book at Twilight Sparkle for once. Literally: It hit her in the back of the ear, right where a paperback impacting a head stings most. It would have been ironic – if the book had been non-fiction (or had not spun slightly while airborne).
“Ouch!”
“Hah! In your face, Sparkle! I did it!”
“That was the back of my head! Ow...”
Twilight turned to give Rainbow a beyond-disapproving look. It had zero effect on Rainbow’s ridiculous grin. Twilight reached up with a hoof to massage the injured spot.
“Why would you– How did you know where to aim to inflict maximum pain?”
“Asked Spike.”
Twilight, unusually grateful to be outside of a library, raised her voice to carry, “Then I hope he realises he’s a dead dragon!”
“It could have been much worse,” came a call from the far side of the room, “That’s not where I told her to aim for; I said to aim at the other end!”
Twilight cringed and tucked her tail in.
“It’s done, Twilight,” Rainbow gloated. “Check it out. Daring Do. Book ‘nine hundred thirty one’!”
“Nine hundred...“
Twilight picked the book up and looked at the front. That was precisely what was printed on the slightly glossy cover. In a font she wasn’t familiar with.
“It wasn’t cheap to get a paper copy either. They’ve mostly moved to electronic distribution, by then.”
Twilight opened it at about the one-third mark. Flicked through a few pages. She read aloud:
“He raised the Coconut of Quendor high above his head and declared ‘It’s time to make some Piña Coladas’. The assembled tapirs–”
“Gah! Twilight, spoilers!” Rainbow tried to snatch the book back from Twilight. Twilight fought her for it and won. She swatted Rainbow across the muzzle with it.
“Ow!”
“Don’t think that makes us even. Why do you have this? Why does this even exist?”
“I went forward and bought a copy. I’m super rich in the future. Compound interest isn’t something I ever expected to appreciate but, wow, so rich. I own a space station!”
“Idiot.” Twilight smacked Rainbow with the paperback again. “The time mirror isn’t a toy for your personal entertainment.”
“Ow. Hey, this isn’t about my entertainment. This is about entertainment through the ages. I’m doing this for the good of all ponykind!”
Twilight looked at the book.
“No, I’m pretty sure this is for you.”
“Well, I mean… That copy is.”
Twilight made to swipe Rainbow across the snoot again but she dodged. Rainbow stuck her tongue out.
“Why is this book ‘nine hundred and thirty one’, Dash?”
“Duh. Because she wrote nine hundred and thirty before it.”
“She wrote...”
Twilight opened the book back up, to the first page after the copyright notices. It was signed: ‘To Rainbow. Still my biggest fan, see you for 932! / A.K. Yearling’. She flicked back to look at the publishing date. Five digits.
“No pony can write nine hundred full length novels. And ‘Yearling’ should be long dead by–”
“That’s what I did,” Rainbow beamed with pride, “I saved her!”
“Saved?”
“Yeah.”
“Rainbow,” Twilight growled, “Daring is a good pony, but I told you not to make her immortal. We’ve been over this.”
“I know,” Rainbow nodded, “I didn’t.”
Twilight raised a skeptical eyebrow, pointed at the date.
Rainbow smugly brushed a hoof on her chest, “Ah, well I found a loophole, didn’t I? I can be a smart pony too.”
“A loop… Of course you did,” Twilight shut the book and smacked herself in the forehead with it.
“Hey, that’s a signed copy. Could you stop hitting things with it?”
“You started it.”
“Oh. Yeah. But, still...”
“You want it back? Tell me what stupid thing you did to poor Daring Do. So I can fix it.”
Rainbow frowned, “Fix it? Hah, no. I don’t think so.”
“Rainbow. I know pyromancy. I will – Celestia help me – incinerate this book on the spot if you don’t tell me what you’ve done.”
Rainbow didn’t look worried.
“One: you wouldn’t. Two: I didn’t come to rub it in your face; I came to explain my awesome solution, so you wouldn’t hassle me and try to undo my work.”
Rainbow paused, then added, “Okay, I did want to do a little face-rubbing.”
“Dash!” Twilight held out a hoof and sparked her horn. A little ball of flame manifested above her upturned frog.
“Easy, Twilight,” Rainbow looked nervously at her book, tried to make a placating gesture. “Daring is in the lab on the third floor. Why don’t we go talk to her?”
Twilight asked, puzzled, “Third floor laboratory?”
“Yeah. It’d be better if I can show you.”
“This place has a laboratory on the third floor?”
“Uh. Yeah?”
“That I didn’t know about.”
Rainbow took a while to answer. “Apparently? I mean, it wasn’t much more than a mostly-empty room when I found it.”
“How big even is this castle?” Twilight asked herself, quietly.
“It had some shelves and benches, but not much else. I had to supply the equipment,” Rainbow added. Twilight’s ball of fire went out.
“Why would I need two labs?”
Rainbow chuckled nervously.
“Actually, me and the girls think the basement probably wasn’t meant to be a science lab.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. More like a dungeon.”
“But…” Twilight considered the idea, “That might actually explain the soundproofing.”
“We don’t agree on what sort of dungeon.”
“Huh. Oh, wait – Ew!”
“I don’t judge.”
“That’s…” Twilight shivered, “We’re not talking about that. We’re going to go and see Daring Do and you’re going to tell me what you’ve done to her. Or what you think you’ve done.”
“Sure. Right this way.”
Rainbow pivoted on the spot and indicated for Twilight to follow her.
“Give me thirty seconds,” Twilight said.
“I’ll be counting.”
Twilight yelled across the room, “Spike!”
“What?”
“Did you know about this?”
He poked his head out from behind a comic book. Gave her a cautious look.
“The basement?”
“No, not the–”
“Mostly I don’t think about it, I just appreciate the easy-clean enchantment on the floors. And walls.”
Twilight paled slightly. Rainbow snerked.
“Rainbow.” Twilight pointed at the pegasus with a wing, “I meant about what Rainbow Dash has done!”
“Only that she needed to throw a book at you, for some reason.”
“Some… And you helped her. Because?”
He shrugged, “She paid me off.”
Shocked, she spoke with subtle menace, “I hope you got a good price.”
He grinned and nodded, “A whole shipping container full of comic books.”
“It’s a rocket-propelled shipping container,” Rainbow added, “from my space station. Little guy drives a hard bargain.”
Twilight pushed open the door to her new laboratory. She blinked at what she saw.
Banks of coloured lights blinked back at her. Reel to reel tapes mounted in huge cabinets spun back and forth. In the far corner a jacob’s ladder and a tesla coil hissed electricity one another, each trying to outdo its rival, like a pair of peacocks vying for the attention of a female. A machine somewhere went ‘ping’.
In the centre of the room were two worktables, dragged almost close enough to touch. They were both draped entirely to the floor in whitish, heavy fabric, which covered mounds or piles of – something.
Twilight took a few careful steps into the room. Rainbow followed behind, hovering a few feet off the floor. She used a free forehoof to massage her ear where Twilight had pinched and held it during their travel upstairs.
“What in Tartarus is all this, Rainbow?”
Sunset Shimmer leapt up from behind one of the benches. She yelled “Surprise!”
Twilight was so surprised she nearly blasted her friend with a lance of kinetic force. Although she avoided that embarrassment, she failed to keep herself from shrieking like a little filly. She blushed and forced her wings back to her sides.
Sunset grinned back at her, nonchalant, for a few seconds before trading the smile out for a confused frown. She looked down and to one side. Then reached out and scooped up a lavender unicorn from behind the other bench. She set her on her hooves.
“You were supposed to jump up with me,” Sunset half-whispered to the other unicorn.
Twilight Sparkle: Unicorn Edition, flushed. “I got nervous,” she said.
“At what? She’s you. That’s like, literally jumping at your own shadow. Even Fluttershy isn’t that timid.”
“At jumping. Fluttershy knows how to use all of her legs,” she lifted a forehoof, “I keep forgetting about the front ones and then falling over.”
Sunset smiled softly and shook her head.
“So, anyway. Princess Twilight! Hi! Surprise!” she waved a hoof in greeting.
“Sunset. And, Human-Me? Uhm, hello! Nice of you to visit. Unannounced?”
Princess Twilight spun to face Rainbow Dash, “You invited Sunset Shimmer?”
She glanced back to the amber and lavender unicorns, “Not that I mind you stopping by!” she returned to Rainbow and hissed, “You could have told me.”
Rainbow shrugged, “It needed to be a surprise or you’d have interfered. I only went and fetched Other Twilight,” she indicated the purple pony who waved gingerly back, “Because I needed her help. Sunset came by later, as a sort of assistant.”
“I’m lost,” Princess Twilight said, “You’ve lost me. What’s going on now? Who else is here? What is all this…” she swept a wing around, “Stuff?”
“I can field some of those questions,” Other Twilight said gamely. She raised a forehoof to tick items off with her digits and frowned at her lack of fingers. She put it back down and continued.
“I’m helping Rainbow Dash with a computer issue. Just Sunset and I – as far as I know,” she waved at the panels of lights around the room with a foreleg, “Mostly decoration. Rainbow got all the blinkenlights in before I was involved.”
Sunset nodded, “Real computers are much smaller.” She lifted up a black cube, about the size of a grapefruit, with a number of wires and cables connected to it, “This is what we’re actually using.”
“Careful!” cautioned Other Twilight, “The transfer isn’t quite finished yet.”
“It says ‘complete’, and it’s just doing something called ‘finalizing’.”
“And it’s not really finished until that’s done. It won’t boot if it’s not finalized properly. Put it down, carefully. Don’t shake it.”
Sunset quirked an eyebrow.
Other Twilight asked, “Haven’t you ever burned a CD before?”
“No,” Sunset said, “I heard about that, but I’m pretty sure it stopped being a thing before I came to your world.”
Other Twilight blinked a couple of times. “All of a sudden, I feel old.”
Sunset carefully placed the cube back down.
“Sorry.”
Princess Twilight spoke up, “I don’t think that’s really explained much. At all. What’s under these sheets?”
“This is my brilliant plan!” Rainbow said, gesturing wildly with her forelegs as she hovered nearby, “To have Daring Do books forever!”
Princess Twilight eyed up one of the mounds for size. Gave Rainbow a solemn look, “These better not be corpses.”
“Twilight!” Rainbow and Sunset, both offended, exclaimed. Sunset continued, “I can’t believe you’d–”
Princess Twilight grabbed the corner of one sheet and dragged it slowly off. Beneath it lay the motionless body of Daring Do. She was naked and missing her traditional pith helmet, instead she was wearing some sort of mask and opaque goggles. A cable ran between the black grapefruit-computer-box and the mask. Princess Twilight quirked an eyebrow at Other Twilight.
“Care to explain?”
“It’s a robot. Rainbow got it from the future, apparently. Probably. It’s very advanced technology. She needed help starting it up.”
Princess Twilight grabbed the second sheet and hurled it onto the floor without decorum. Daring Do lay on the other table also; this one was clad in a full helmet (also not pith) which sprouted dozens of small wires.
“Okay, now, technically,” Sunset held up her hooves in a mollifying gesture, “that one is a corpse. But only temporarily, honest!”
“Temporarily? Have I not made my position on necromancy clear?”
Sunset slowly shook her head, “Actually I don’t think we’ve–”
Princess Twilight rounded on Rainbow Dash, dragged her down to ground level with a bit of magic, “Have I not made my position on necromancy quite clear?”
“Why are you yelling at me? I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Making Sunset and… Me, into your accomplices doesn’t absolve you! What have you done, Dash?”
“Nuthin’”
“Because it looks to me like you’ve killed a pony to put her brain into a robot body.”
“No!” Rainbow flared her wings in defiance, “I wouldn’t– She’s not dead. She’s just sleeping.”
“Sleeping ponies still breathe, Rainbow.”
Twilight stared hard at Rainbow. Rainbow stared back. But after a while her eyes flicked to the Darings Do.
“They… they aren’t breathing,” she mumbled, then looked at Other Twilight. Softly, she asked, “Why isn’t she breathing?”
Sunset carefully looked away from Rainbow, pretended to study her hoof.
“You said,” Rainbow continued, traces of panic creeping into her tone, “that Daring Do would be fine. The future ponies who built the robot said that too. As long as I got somepony smart and reliable to do the procedure… That’s why I… I trusted you. You said you weren’t going to hurt her!”
Sunset intervened, “We didn’t. It was painless.”
Princess Twilight joined Rainbow in giving Sunset an incredulous look.
Sunset realised what she’d said but pressed on, “And she’s only mostly dead, anyway. Once the patterning finishes we’ll wake her back up.”
“Necromancy...” Princess Twilight hissed. Now her wings flared and Rainbows drooped.
“No! No, not really. She’s just being held right on the edge. You’ve heard of Paling’s Perch-Pinning Posthumousness-Preventer spell? Surely?”
Twilight, very slowly, nodded, “For getting very sick or injured ponies to hospital safely. I know about the Five ‘P’s.”
“Well,” Other Twilight spoke up, “we needed her brain to be... still… for a bit. You can’t really copy a living brain. It’s like… hitting hundreds of billions of moving targets, all at once. It’s easy enough to do a few hundred neurons at a time, if you can freeze the rest of the thing for a while. I didn’t know a way to do that but Sunset had an idea.”
“So you – what, suspended her?”
“Exactly!”
Princess Twilight kept staring. Rainbow Dash blinked a couple of times.
The black cube with all the wires coming out of it made a little chiming noise.
“There. All done!” Other Twilight announced.
The ponies were all quiet for a while. Two of them shifted their gazes nervously between each other. Sunset eventually coughed, “So. I’d like to wake her back up now, actually.”
Other Twilight nodded. Princess Twilight looked at her visitors. Sunset had the decency to look sheepish. Other Twilight grinned innocently.
“Okay. I think that’s probably a good idea.”
Sunset smiled and her horn ignited with a reddish aura, which flowed and spread to cover a Daring Do; the real one. Other Twilight carefully reached through it to unhook and remove the helmet from Daring Do Prime. As she worked she gave Sunset a little smile and a quiet, “Thankyou.”
Sunset’s magic enveloped Daring Do’s whole body. Above it the air shimmered the way it does above hot pavement. Rainbow took a few cautious steps closer.
“What’re you doing?” she asked Sunset. There was none of the panic which had been working its way into her voice earlier, only curiosity.
“Just warming her back up. Cold ponies don’t move so well.”
“Oh.”
“That should be enough,” the glow faded. “Princess, if you would do the honors?”
“Hmm?” Princess Twilight mumbled.
“The Five ‘P’s is a heavily modified sleep spell. I can unpick it, but there’s a faster way to dispel sleep magic. Since you’re royalty.”
“Oh. Yes, I suppose there is.”
“If you don’t want to–”
“It’s fine.”
Princess Twilight approached the unmoving Daring Do Prime. Bent her head down. Took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Moved her head even lower. Planted her lips firmly but gently on Daring’s. Held the kiss for five seconds (Rainbow counted) before releasing it.
Rainbow’s wings twitched upwards. She didn’t remember having unfurled them again.
Daring Do Prime awoke suddenly with a jerk, nearly hitting her head on the backing-away Princess Twilight as she tried to sit up. She took a huge gulping breath.
“Fjords!”
“Easy, there,” Sunset gently set a hoof on Daring to keep her stable, “You’re back now.”
Daring took a few more dry, gasping breaths. Then she looked about, mumbled, “I was just… I thought I was in a dream?” She caught sight of her doppelganger.
She hesitantly asked, “Oh. Which… which one am I?”
“The original. Welcome back.”
“Back. Okay. That’s… that’s cool,” she laid back flat on the table.
“How do you feel?” Princess Twilight asked.
“A little hoarse. Otherwise, all right, I think,” she sounded distracted, “Dry. Thirsty.”
“I’ll get you some water,” Other Twilight offered. She spun and stared at a liquid filled glass jug and tumbler set on a nearby table. Stuck out her tongue in concentration. Her horn lit up and the jug shakily lifted into the air.
Sunset waited until Other Twilight had levitated the water across to them, wobbling slightly all the way, before taking over for the last couple of feet. Other Twilight sighed and quietly thanked her as Sunset passed it to Daring.
“I thought telekinesis was my thing. But that had to be different here, didn’t it?”
Sunset gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder, “You just need horn practice. You’ll get better, same as me needing to learn handwriting.”
Princess Twilight tried to be helpful, “Yes, the first few pages in the message journal I gave Sunset are barely legible, but now I hardly ever have to squint to tell what she wrote.”
Sunset glared daggers at her.
Daring finished her drink and asked, “Can I walk? I think I’d like to…”
Other Twilight and Sunset exchanged a quick look.
“You can try,” Sunset said, “Carefully though. You’ll probably be quite stiff.”
They offered Daring assistance to get down from the table, which she reluctantly accepted. She cautiously moved her limbs, worked them loose, took a few steps.
“Not so bad,” she declared, “nothing really hurts.”
“Hey,” Rainbow asked, “want some food?”
“... Yes.” Daring decided, “I’m starving. Good idea. Your treat though, Rainbow.”
“Heh, no problem!”
They made their way, slowly at first, around the worktables. They passed Princess Twilight and walked out into the castle hallways. Daring seemed to be fine, other than having a sore voice. They detoured to a coat stand to collect Daring’s pith helmet.
As they left, Rainbow asked, “So, mostly dead? They didn’t say anything about that to me. How does it compare to being petrified? Entombed? Cocooned? What did it feel like?”
“Dying? Or being dead? I’m not sure I have much to say on the subject, without a common frame-of-reference,” Daring said, flatly.
“You’re joking?”
“We could always get Sunset to kill you for a bit too,” Daring gave Rainbow a sideways look and winked.
Rainbow chuckled, “I think I’ll pass. Also that might be difficult. I’m immortal now. Probably. If Twilight is, we think we all are. And she seems to be.”
“You didn’t say that before?”
“I try not to tell most ponies, they’re jealous enough of me as it is. You know how that goes, right? Anyway, at least you’re back alive now.”
Daring sighed and said, “I’d just… I’d rather been hoping–”
They trotted out of earshot.
Princess Twilight shook her head. She’d meant to give Rainbow Dash more of a talking to, but it seemed that Daring had actually been somewhat complicit in the affair. She looked down to Robo Daring. It wasn’t obviously a machine. It just looked like the body of a pony. She shivered involuntarily. Then turned a questioning look up at Other Twilight.
“So...”
“Uhm.”
“This is, the thing? Her plan? Daring Do gets a robot duplicate and it keeps writing books for the next dozen millennia?”
Other Twilight tried to shrug but it put her off-balance. She nodded.
“Then I’m definitely revoking Dash’s time travel privileges.”
“Don’t be too harsh on her, Twilight,” Sunset said in a soothing voice, “Rainbow has her heart in the right place. She just wants future ponies to be able to enjoy a good story. Stories. Series of stories.”
“There are other stories. There are other authors. Sure, I’d like to have a thousand good Daring Do books to read, but I’m pretty sure that this isn’t the right way to go about it. Plus, I have a bad feeling about how Miss Yearling here will react to finding out she’s the copy.”
“One way to find out!” Other Twilight reached over to the black cube and tapped it a few times. Then she quickly took the mask off Robo Daring.
Princess Twilight gave Sunset a ‘what is she doing?’ look but only got a confused expression in reply.
“Fjords!”
Robo Daring jerked upright and said, “I was just… I thought I was in a dream?”
She glanced around the room. Looked puzzled.
Other Twilight beamed. Princess Twilight fixed her with a guarded look. Sunset gently asked her, “Daring Do? How do you feel?”
“Hmm? Okay, I guess. Where’s the robot-me?”
Princess Twilight sucked her teeth and tried to avoid making eye contact with Daring.
Other Twilight said, “Actually… That’s you.”
Daring looked at Other Twilight, frowned faintly, “No?”
“Yes,” Sunset confirmed.
“But, I feel the same? I think. Maybe you got us mixed up. The robot looked just like me.”
“No, we–”
“Test me,” Daring interrupted, addressing Other Twilight. “You said there would be ways to tell us apart. To prove which one I was.”
Princess Twilight asked, “What’s the square root of two thousand and forty nine?”
Daring looked at her with a blank expression.
Other Twilight said, “Forty-five point…” her lips moved in silent calculation, “Two. Maybe three. Point two five?”
Daring blinked. Sunset shot a strange look at first Other Twilight and then Princess Twilight.
“Uh,” Princess Twilight thought for a few seconds, “Yeah, that’s about right. I’d perform more iterations for higher accuracy if I had some paper to hoof.”
“Just use a calculator?” Sunset suggested, drawing eye-rolls from both Twilights. “Anyway, apparently that doesn’t prove anything. Let me try.”
Sunset turned Daring’s head so that she looked her straight in the eyes, “You’re reading a book when you notice there’s a wasp, crawling on your wing.”
Daring quickly spread a wing out in a flicking motion and looked at it, “No there isn’t,” she narrowed her eyes at Sunset, “and I don’t even have a book...”
Other Twilight tapped Sunset with a hoof to distract her from her staring contest, “I have no idea what you’re trying to achieve. Here,” she lifted a red horseshoe-shaped magnet and held it to Daring’s pastern, where it stuck.
Sunset eyed Other Twilight, nonplussed and said, “Really? I would have thought you’d get that reference…”
Other Twilight shrugged, stumbling slightly as she tried to take too many hooves off the floor at once. She blushed and turned back to Daring to explain, “You have steel bearings and screws near your joints. Be careful with strong magnets or you could damage your synthetic dermal layers by pinching them against your endo-frame.”
Daring looked at the magnet stuck to her wrist.
“That’s… pretty convincing,” Daring said, unsticking the magnet and trying it first on her elbow, then on the underside of a wing joint, where it held itself against gravity. She detached it and almost idly placed it back on her wrist.
Other Twilight added, “You’ve got charging ports too, but–”
“So, I’m the robot?”
“I know this must be hard…” Princess Twilight sympathetically began. Daring grinned almost manically at her.
“I’m the robot! This is great!” Daring whooped with excitement, “I won’t get hurt on adventures anymore. I won’t have to worry about poison gas traps. Or poison dart traps. Or poison ivy traps. I can get fitted with a jet engine!”
Daring giggled happily and Princess Twilight nervously smiled back.
“So… you’re not upset then?” she asked.
“No. Why would I be? I get to live forever! I should go find Rainbow and thank her,” Robo Daring tried to get off the workbench but Sunset blocked her with some magic. Daring frowned slightly.
“Rainbow is busy for a bit. I know you’re excited, but we should make sure Twilight is happy before you go tearing off and hurling yourself into potentially dangerous situations.”
“Uh, I guess?”
“She seems fine to me, and everything checked out during the copying process,” Other Twilight said hesitantly. “Why wouldn’t I be happy?”
“I kinda meant Princess Twilight,” Sunset admitted and Other Twilight’s mouth made a little ‘o’ shape of understanding.
Princess Twilight smiled at Sunset in appreciation. She focused her attention back on Daring.
“You wanted to be a robot?”
Daring nodded vigorously. Paused, looked at Sunset, then said, “Actually, what was the other word you used?”
“Golem?”
“Hmm… I think I still like ‘robot’ better. Maybe I’ll come up with a better word myself, later.”
Princess Twilight tried a different line of questioning, curiosity now biting at her, “So, you really don’t feel any different? You’re just the same pony as before, but with...”
“Metal bones” Sunset supplied.
“I think so. Mostly the same? I was told I might notice some ‘differences’ as I got used to my new body.”
“No... Personality changes? Missing memories?”
Daring shrugged her wings, looked at them and ruffled her feathers with a contemplative expression, “I don’t think so. How would I know for sure?”
“She’s a direct brain copy,” Other Twilight settled into an expository tone, “Housed in a very sophisticated combat-drone automaton body. I read all the manuals. Future pony technology is fascinating. Her conscious self should override most of the chassis’ hardwired behaviours.”
“Most?” Daring asked, “Uh, that’s not what we agreed.”
“They’ll be like instincts,” Other Twilight said dismissively, “Blinking, flying, that sort of thing.”
“Flying?” she twitched her wings again and grumbled, “That better not be messed up. I like flying.”
“In the worst case you may have to re-learn some skills. You’re not, uhm, quite alone there though,” Other Twilight lit her horn and plucked the magnet off Daring with magic; it spun unstably in the air. “I can help you out, maybe adjust some things if they seem strange. If Princess Me doesn’t mind me staying for a little while.”
Sunset smiled at Princess Twilight, hopefully, “Can we stay for a bit? It would be nice to chat in person again instead of just through the journals.”
Princess Twilight sighed softly.
“Sure. I bet I have more guest bedrooms. This castle is like a blue police box at times. I’m sorry I missed you when I made you journal volume two.”
“That’s okay.”
Daring hopped down from the table, without restriction this time.
“So, are we good here for a bit? I, kinda want to go throw myself into a lake and then not drown. I’m waterproof, right?” she grinned.
Sunset gave Princess Twilight a strained look, “Personality change?” she asked.
“I don’t actually think so.”
“You have interesting friends.”
“Yeah. So, I’m somewhat loathe to admit it, but Rainbow might be getting away with this one,” Princess Twilight faced Daring Do and joked, “I mean, unless you have secret murderous robot-instincts now, hah!”
“Hmm?” Robo Daring said offhandedly, “Well only for humans. I mean, they obviously all need to be destroyed.”
Princess Twilight grinned, “Humans, good one. None of them here.”
Other Twilight quietly said, “Well, I mean, technically…”
Daring looked at her, wide-eyed. Other Twilight didn’t notice.
“I just look like this – like a pony – because of the mirror. I’m human on the inside.”
Daring Do mumbled strangely, “Humans that look like ponies?”
“Daring?” Princess Twilight asked.
Daring Do blinked at her, “But that means… I can’t trust any of you.”
Sunset asked Twilight, “What does she mean?”
And then Daring Do headbutted pony-but-human Twilight Sparkle.
“Rainbow!” Princess Twilight shouted, “I’m holding you accountable for literally all of this!”
“That seems fair,” Sunset said as she skittered past on three hooves, dodging another directed bolt of lightning.
“It’s not my fault that robots apparently hate humans!” Rainbow yelled back.
“At this point, everything is your fault. After we beat her–” Twilight had to dive out of the way of a huge filing-cabinet of a computer, which must have weighed over a tonne, that Robo Daring had just thrown at her, “If we beat her. We are going to have a long conversation about your responsible uses of technology. And how they don’t seem to exist!”
“Sounds boring,” Rainbow flitted around near the ceiling where she was slightly safer from Robo Daring’s attacks.
“It will be. Very boring. And you won’t be able to avoid it because, hey, I just found out I have a dungeon to throw you in!”
Robo Daring made another break for the exit but Pony Daring caught one of her back legs with a whip.
“You’re not really my type, Twi,” Rainbow said before diving to take a swing at Robo Daring, “Sorry about this, by the way.”
Rainbow’s kick missed as Robo Daring dodged to one side, then with a wing and a foreleg she caught Rainbow under the breast, whirled and threw the blue pegasus bodily into Pony Daring. The two collided; Robo Daring used the time to disentangle herself from the whip.
When Princess Twilight tried to interpose herself between Robo Daring and the door, Robo Daring twisted sharply to one side and pointed. Twilight turned to look and Daring clocked her with a roundhouse.
“Twilight!” Sunset called, “Stop falling for that!”
“Ow...” Twilight muttered from the floor.
Robo Daring leapt over the fallen Princess. Sunset swung and held the door closed with magic but Daring just barreled straight through it, reducing it to flinders.
Rainbow paused briefly to help Twilight to her hooves before taking off after Robo Daring. The crackle-boom of lightning rang out followed by a distinctively Rainbow Dash, “Oh come on.”
“This is ridiculous,” Twilight said, massaging her cheek where she’d been kicked. Again. “There’s four of us and one of her. And one of us is her. How come we’re losing?”
“Because,” Pony Daring said, “None of you actually knows how to fight. And apparently you put me in some sort of supercharged battle-robot. With taser eyes.”
“That wasn’t me, it was the other Twilight!”
“Not that I don’t appreciate the thought. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be able to shoot lightning from their face?”
“I know how to fight,” Sunset sounded offended, “with magic. What in Equestria is she made of that deflects spells like that?”
“Some sort of aluminium alloy I think,” Twilight said, “an especially thaumically-slippery one.”
Pony Daring poked her head out the door then ducked back quickly to avoid being electrocuted, “Have to say, I preferred it when she still had skin. She gives me the creeps now, and you can imagine how hard that is.”
“Me too,” Sunset agreed, “Sorry about that. Also I’m pretty sure I have a broken arm, uh, foreleg, so if you’re going to chase her I think I’ll stay here for a bit instead. Maybe find where Twilight, my Twilight, teleported to. I’ve got an idea you can try though.”
Starlight Glimmer casually poked her head in through the wrecked door.
“I heard thunder?”
“Starlight! Watch out, there’s a pony-shaped war-golem that shoots lightning from its eyes on the loose.”
Starlight’s eyes widened and she ducked inside the room. She looked about. She looked at Twilight.
“Oh, I wondered what you used this room for.”
“I didn’t– Not mine! I didn’t make it!” Twilight protested, “This isn’t my lab!”
Starlight waved a dismissal, “None of my business. Anyway. Golem? Why’s it giving you trouble? Can’t you just grab it?”
“It’s aluminium plated or something,” Sunset interjected.
“Pfft, who would do that? That stuff’s only purpose is to make things inconvenient for unicorns. Like that stupid joke cutlery you can’t pick up.”
“I didn’t design it, but I rather suspect that’s the point. ‘War-golem’, remember?”
Starlight made a slight ‘oh’ noise, then casually asked, “Do you want some help with it?”
“Yes!”
Robo Daring stalked the corridors of Friendship Castle. The place was a maze but she knew she’d find a window or other unguarded exit sooner or later. If she could shake off the pursuing Rainbow Dash things would be much easier, but Rainbow was persistent.
“Come on Daring, we can talk about this!” Rainbow called out.
“There’s nothing to talk about Rainbow. Humans have infiltrated pony society and I’ve got to destroy them. That’s just how it goes.”
“There’s no such thing as ‘humans’!” Rainbow lied.
“Then it won’t take me long. The sooner you stop getting in the way of the way out, the sooner I can go find some MacGuffin to deal with them all at once. I don’t have time to go around beating up each of them individually.”
“Yes you do, you’re an immortal robot. That was the whole idea.”
Daring stopped to consider this. Looked down at her shiny metal frame. She missed her skin. She missed her pith helmet. At least she still had her mane, but she was now very monochromatic.
“Well, I don’t want to have to find and crush them one at a time. It just seems terribly inefficient. I’m a robot now, I ought to play to my strengths.”
“Strengths like ‘efficiency’?”
“Yeah. And also my literal strength. When you see Sunset Shimmer again, can you tell her I’m sorry for hurling that table at her.”
Daring saw Rainbow peek out from a doorway, “Come tell her yourself?”
“Not right now, I’m still a bit angry with her – I think I’d just start shooting lightning at her again. She took my skin, Rainbow. I liked my skin. You could say that I was fairly well attached to it!”
“Hah! Nice one,” Rainbow smirked.
“Thanks.”
There was a ‘pop’ of magic and Princess Twilight Sparkle and a pink unicorn who Daring didn’t recognise appeared down the corridor, in the opposite direction to Rainbow Dash. Daring shot a bolt of lightning at them and they dived into a side-room to take cover.
“Oh, sorry!” Daring called out, “I thought you were the other Twilight. The one that’s a disgusting monkey-spawn.”
“Well, I’m not!” Twilight yelled back.
“Me either,” Starlight chimed in.
“Look,” Rainbow carefully trotted out into the open, ready to dart back if Daring threw electricity at her, “can we stop with the lightning for a bit?”
“Actually, Rainbow!” Twilight shouted, “New plan! You can fight her if you want to now!”
Rainbow hesitated slightly, “Only if I want to though, right? I’d rather not!”
“What’s the matter, Rainbow?” Daring asked, “You’re usually more keen for some action than this. Don’t want to fight today?”
“It’s no fun!” Rainbow complained, “You just keep dodging and using judo or something and I end up halfway across the room.”
“I’m trying not to hurt anypony,” Daring said.
“You’ve kicked me three times!” Twilight pointed out at a yell, “And I think it’s only because I’ve got earth pony bones these days that I’m still conscious!”
Daring gave Rainbow a shamefaced, little smile, “She looks a lot like the other one. The human. But it’s only filthy hominids that I have an uncontrollable desire to kill. Honestly.”
Rainbow said, slowly, “You do realise that you’re insane, right?”
“Oh. Yes, actually. If you could stop me before I seriously hurt anypony that would be really great!”
“Rainbow! Start antagonising her again!” Twilight shouted.
“Uhm, that doesn’t sound like a good idea, Twi. I’m enjoying just having a nice – lightning free – chat with my friend right now.”
“Sounds like Twilight has a plan actually, Rainbow.”
“Good for her.”
“You might want to try it,” Daring said candidly. “Otherwise I think I’m going to start looking for windows again. I can feel the urge to find and annihilate humans rising. Your… lilac friend… can’t have gotten far with that teleport, after I smashed her on the nose. I am sorry about that, by the way. Even though she’s a damn, dirty ape. Filthy.”
Starlight said, “It’s so weird to be on the other side of this conversation for once.” Twilight shushed her.
“If you know what the plan is,” Rainbow said, edging closer to Daring, “will you cooperate, or not?”
“I’ll try!”
“You hear that, Twi? What are we doing?”
Twilight and Starlight had a brief, quiet exchange that Rainbow didn’t catch.
“Okay,” Twilight said, “make her angry again. Lightning bolts drain her power reserve significantly. She’ll ‘fall asleep’ if she runs too low.”
“I heard those air quotes,” Daring said, “I’m not keen on dying today. It’s my birthday, you know. Nopony should have to die on their birthday!”
“Twilight?” Rainbow asked hesitantly.
“No, really! She has some sort of power-saving mode. It should preserve your neural functions, Daring. And give me, give us, time to go through your systems and get rid of whatever the heck this is.”
“Well. Should? I guess that will have to do.”
Rainbow gave her a sceptical look and asked, “Don’t you have any other – better – ideas?”
“Hey, Rainbow. It’s okay. I’d rather not be a psycho-bot. It’s my birthday, and I’ll die if I want to. Make me angry.”
Daring and Rainbow shared a meaningful look. Rainbow nodded.
“So,” Rainbow started, “you know book four?”
“Uhm, yes?”
“Were you, like, being paid by the word for that? Is that why it’s so long.”
Daring stared flatly at her.
“You know I have a ghostwriter, yes? Direct complaints to her.”
“What?”
There was an uncomfortable silence.
“Was that your only shot?” Daring asked, “Seriously?”
Starlight trotted out of cover, tutting and looked at Rainbow, “Okay, that was pathetic. Let me show you how it’s done.”
“Uh,” Daring twisted to look at the pink unicorn, “And you are?”
“Hi, I’m Starlight Glimmer. Jackass.”
Daring blinked at her. Starlight continued.
“You may recognise me from such hits as–” she used magic to rip a door off its hinges and smashed Daring with it.
Daring slowly picked herself off the floor, chuckling.
“Oh,” she said, “I think I like you.”
Sunset limped through the door to the mirror portal room. Daring Do: Classic hadn’t managed to get much food and so had been exhausted by even the brief portion of the fight she’d joined. She had joined Spike in the castle kitchen to recharge, and keep him safe if necessary. Sunset was searching for Twilight Sparkle: ‘Hold the Wings’ Edition.
Sunset spotted pony-human Twilight Sparkle, peeking out from behind a crenellated wall of books.
“Twilight! There you are. How are you doing?”
Twilight swiftly ducked back out of sight.
“I’m not here!” she cried, “Nobody here but us encyclopædias!”
Sunset paused for a second then smiled.
“It’s ‘nopony’, actually, if you’re trying to be inconspicuous.”
“Really?” Twilight reappeared over the top of her barricade. She was a little bruised but not badly hurt. She said, “That seems needlessly specific and equine-centric.”
Sunset shrugged. “Anyway, Princess You is off trying to run down Daring Two-Point-Oh’s battery.”
“Methanol fuel cell.”
“Whatever. I figure she can’t throw lightning for all that long, really. And when she runs out of power she’ll be much easier to handle.”
“Uh,” Twilight considered for a bit, “That could work. I mean, she’ll be able to pound the snot out of some– pony... for quite a while after she runs below minimum the energy reserve required to set off a static discharge. But the principle is sound.”
Sunset bit her lip.
“I should probably go and let Rainbow and Princess Twilight know that.”
“Don’t go,” Twilight faintly pleaded. “What if she finds her way here? We’ll need to collapse the portal if she finds it. The fate of the world is at stake!”
Sunset blinked.
“Oh. Okay, yeah. That would actually be–”
“Incredibly bad.”
Sunset shivered slightly.
“You have space back there for one more?”
“Your mother,” Starlight said, throwing up another shield spell, “was a snowblower.”
“Hey! Snow blowing is a fine and respectable job for a pegasus!” Rainbow yelled, while also moving to block a doorway.
“Stop getting offended on her behalf, Rainbow,” Twilight chided.
“I just don’t see a need to get all… tribalist about things!”
A sickly looking spark jumped from Robo Daring, but grounded itself way short of her intended target.
“Ladies – and Starlight – I’m pretty sure that was the last one,” Daring made a feint to one side then doubled back and grabbed Rainbow by a wingtip and hurled her into a wall.
“Ow!”
Twilight, with a ‘pop’, slipped into the space that had been Rainbow’s position, without crossing the intervening distance.
“I’m okay!” Rainbow said, slumped upside-down in a heap.
“Are you tired yet?” Twilight asked Daring Do.
“Not so much. But no more lightning strikes must be a plus, right?”
Twilight hadn’t been on the receiving end of any, but Starlight was very much inclined to agree.
Daring turned and kicked Twilight hard enough to throw her well into the room she was guarding. It was an external room, with a large leaded-glass window. One of Starlight’s several door-based attacks had revealed it and the three had been trying to distract and stall Daring’s semi-conscious efforts to escape ever since.
Starlight appeared above Daring with a ‘paff’ and landed somewhat less-than-heavily on her back. Daring rolled her wings, jerked and threw her off.
“Get bucked!” Daring bellowed, grinning.
Starlight slowed herself mid-air with some magic and came to rest standing sideways on a wall, smirking, “Hardly worth it, if you’re going to be all done in seconds like that.”
“You cow!”
“How appropriate, you fight like a dairy farmer.”
Rainbow tried to tackle Daring Do while she appeared distracted but Daring dodged and Rainbow went sailing head-first into a wardrobe.
Daring threw her a mocking look, “You like it there in the closet, Dash?”
“Did you just,” Starlight glared at Daring, incredulous, “commit insult-war infidelity on me? With Rainbow Dash?”
“It’s okay,” Rainbow’s voice drifted out of the mangled piece of furniture, “I don’t know what she meant.”
Twilight Sparkle had picked herself up and set herself between Daring and the window.
“This is starting to get really weird, I think,” she said.
Starlight dropped down, gracefully, from the wall to the floor.
“Now what?” Daring asked, “I don’t feel sleepy, if that’s what you were expecting.”
“I do,” Rainbow cut in, “this is eating into my naptime.”
“If we stopped the lightning bolts, eventually we can stop the rest of you,” Starlight reasoned.
“I think you guys might run out of steam first,” Daring pointed at Rainbow to illustrate her point.
“She’s a sprinter,” Twilight said, “You’ve still got to get past me.”
“Uhm,” Starlight waved a hoof, “No offense, Twilight, but you’re really not good at fighting.”
“I know,” Twilight sighed, “But I don’t have to fight. I just have to get her to expend energy attacking me.”
“Might want to start work on that, Princess,” Daring said, her eyes flicking to the window, “I’m getting antsy again.”
Twilight slowly sauntered up to Daring, looked her up and down. She was so grey now, from head to hoof, her coat having been stripped off so early in the fight by Sunset’s attempt to simply grab her and hold her. Magic didn’t work. Magic was all Twilight was good at.
Daring looked warily at Twilight.
“Going to throw a punch then, Twilight?” Daring asked.
“No. Starlight is right. That’s not really my style.”
“What then? I’m basically magic proof.”
“Not this magic. Not my magic,” Twilight said, cryptically.
“Twilight?” Starlight asked in a worried tone, “How are you going to start a fight with friendship?”
“You know,” Twilight ignored her and addressed Daring, “humans are pretty nice, once you get to know them better.”
Daring’s mouth dropped open in horror. Twilight added another heaping spoonful of bait, by wriggling her eyebrows.
Daring lunged at Twilight, driving her to the ground where they scuffled messily; alicorn strength pitted against incandescent mechanical rage.
“I guess it’s true what they say about the quiet ones,” Starlight mumbled to nopony but herself.
Eventually Daring’s movements grew sluggish, and Twilight succeeded in deflecting a few blows before hooking her hind legs beneath Daring and kicking. Daring sailed through the air to land near Starlight, interrupting her popcorn munching. Daring looked up at her, so Starlight dropped a large chest of drawers on Daring for good measure.
Twilight coughed, then dragged herself to her hooves. Rainbow hurried to her side to brace her.
“I’ve got you, Twi.”
“Thanks, Rainbow. Ow, watch that spot please. It’s tender.”
“Which spot?”
“My, uh, everything.”
Starlight walked closer, keeping one eye on Daring under the impromptu restraint.
“This might be a stupid question but, how are you doing, Twilight?”
“Oh, I’ve been better,” Twilight grimaced as she took another step. Her coat was the texture of crushed velvet and she was lucky to only have the one black eye.
“I would have helped,” Starlight tried to sound sincere, “Really! But I think she would have broken any limb I touched her with.”
Twilight waved her apology off, “You’re probably right. I think she punched out all my syrup,” she carefully dabbed at a trickle of red running from one nostril using a hoof. She flinched slightly with each touch. She ran her tongue carefully over her teeth, checking for loose ones.
Rainbow quirked an eyebrow, “Ponies aren’t filled with syrup.”
“Well, even if I had been, I’m not anymore!” Twilight laughed, very briefly, then winced in pain, “Ouch. Wherever Pinkie is, she needs to know she’s wrong. Laughter isn’t always the best medicine. What I need for this is willowbark. Or alcohol. Alcohol would do nicely actually.”
“I’m calling ‘not it’ on that,” Starlight said, “the Pinkie Pie thing. I can go find you some painkillers though.”
“Thank you, both,” Twilight said. “It takes a brave and true friend to stand up to a… creature… like that.”
Rainbow mumbled a, “Don’t mention it.”
Starlight wore an embarrassed little smile, glanced at Daring, “Actually, it was sort of fun, in a strange way.” She quickly shot an apology look to Twilight, “But then I mostly just called her names and then dodged.”
“Hey,” Daring spoke up from under her prison, “I had a good time too. Some of those quips were savage! Maybe we should do this again some day. Except without the part where I’m trying to kill you.”
“That would be nice,” Starlight nodded.
The sound of hooves clattering in the hall alerted them to the arrival of Sunset Shimmer. She cantered past their door, only glancing in, then had to skate to a halt and come back.
“We found a better plan!” she said.
Two and a half pairs of eyes looked down at Daring, still tucked beneath the drawers. She didn’t seem in any hurry to go anywhere.
“Oh. Did it work then? My Celestia, what happened to you, Twilight?”
“I laid back and thought of Equestria.”
Starlight squinted at her. “That’s rather dark.”
“I am, perhaps understandably, not in the best of moods. Also, this is still one-hundred percent your fault, Rainbow Dash.”
“I know,” Rainbow said, sadly.
“At least I’ll have a reason for the dungeon. Something like, one thousand years dungeon, should do.”
“Uhm, well,” Sunset steered the conversation away from all that, “Twi– I mean, the other Twilight, she kept the manual. For the robot – the one Daring Do is in. We read through it while guarding the mirror to…” she dodged, “Elsewhere. And we found something!”
“Great, just in time,” Twilight mumbled sarcastically.
Sunset didn’t hear. Or pretended not to hear. She trotted over to Daring Do and addressed her.
“Hi.”
“Oh, hello. Can I have my skin back, please?”
“Uhm. Later. Hey. So, can you describe your feelings about…” she hesitated, flinched slightly as she said the word, “Humans. In individual words.”
“Sure thing!” Daring said, happily, “Crush.”
“Okay.”
“Kill.”
“Right?”
“... Maim? Burn?”
“You don’t sound sure about that.”
“Uh… Destroy! That’s it. Crush. Kill. Destroy!”
Sunset nodded and said, “Swag.”
Daring paused for a bit, then said, “What?”
“I said–”
“I heard you. I just don’t get it.”
“Well, how do you feel about… Humans?”
Daring blinked a couple of times.
“Ambivalent?” she hazarded. “I mean, they look all gangly. Fingers must be useful though. I did used to hate them. Like, really hate them. Dunno why, they seem harmless enough now.”
Sunset grinned widely and said, “Yes! It worked. It works!”
Rainbow, Starlight and Twilight all gave her very, very dark looks.
“That was it?” Rainbow began. “Some sort of code-word and she’s all better?”
“More like a ceasefire order,” Sunset explained. “We need to fix her properly, but she won’t cause trouble for six hours.”
“I’ll help,” Starlight offered quickly, “I think perhaps I should help with that. How does that sound, Twilight?”
“I am going to bed,” declared Twilight, “I’ve had quite enough of today.” She winked out of the room in a flash of light.
