Past Conditional: More Speedfics and Drabbles by Present Perfect

by PresentPerfect

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Tempest Shadow, Dinky Hooves, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Death, Anthology, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 31413

Another collection of speedfics and other stuff. Most of it is really goofy.

NEW: Derpy's Day (Sad): Derpy Hooves gets to go to the Grand Galloping Gala! What a treat!

SEE BELOW FOR FULL TAGS AND SUMMARIES

Another repository for short, silly stories not worth polishing. Cover image by tjpones. Sparkles will save us all!

The Ueton Game (Adventure, Crossover, Dark): Twilight Sparkle invites Applejack to a special sleepover for just the two of them. But is her ghost story more than just fiction? (A crossover with The Binding of Isaac that doesn't require any foreknowledge.)

The Scope of Love (Adventure, Romance): Sea Wishes has become the new bearer of the Mantle of Pisces! Great! What does that mean? As she learns more about her new role in Equestria, she'll also have to deal with a dark secret, not to mention Aries...

A Step Backward (Random, Sad): Gilda does a thing? Look, I can't stand this story, I'm sure as hell not going to read back through it to figure out a summary.

Tartarus Control (Comedy, Random): Star Swirl the Bearded and Stygian, newly reunited, travel across the realm and discover this modern Equestria has a few changes they don't remember...

Bitter Disappointment: (Comedy, Random, Romance): After living through the worst breakup of ever, Starlight Glimmer finds an unexpected lesbian lover in Applejack. This story is rated 'T' for 'Too Stupid to Be Published on Its Own'.

Yer Outta Line, Sparkle! (Drama, Random): After the near disaster of the play starring Celestia, Twilight's friends have a few things to say to her.

Thank You, Nightmare Moon (Slice of Life): Princess Luna encounters an unexpected fan in Ponyville.

Starlight Fixes Dragonshy (Alternate version) [Comedy, Dark, Random]: Starlight Glimmer has gotten hold of the Friendship Journal and, using a time-travel spell, will go back and fix all the friendship problems herself, consequences be damned. An alternate version of my entry for season one of Starlight Fixes Everything.

And They Do Fusion Dances (Crossover): Twilight, her friends, and their little sisters experiment with pony fusion.

Two-Point-Five Essential Vitamins and/or Minerals (Comedy, Random): Two little ponies huddle in an abandoned factory. Death approaches. No one will save them. Or will they?

Be All That Yona Can Be (Comedy, Random, Crossover): Faced with a chance to be herself, Yona realizes her true destiny.

Pump It Up (EQG, AU): Vinyl's morning workout is violently interrupted.

Shrug of God (Random, Comedy): Twilight is ready to start ruling Equestria, because she has Princess Celestia and Luna by her side to help her adjust. If only they would give her a straight answer...

And in the End, Should Someone Die? (Sad): Equestria mourns the loss of their beloved Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Through a Mirror, Brightly (Random, Drama, AU): The contest to see which is the real Pinkie is down to two candidates, and it's impossible to tell who's who. Will Pinkie Pie be sent to the Mirror Pool by mistake?

Impending (Human, Sci-Fi): Something sinister is coming, and Commander Tempest Shadow is the first to respond.

Published 2017-11-30 01:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-15 19:21:22 UTC

The Ueton Game

The Ueton Game
by Present Perfect

"Another sleepover, Twi, really?"

Twilight's face was alight with glee as she leaned forward. "Think about it, AJ, just you and me! We can spend some real quality time together! I've been thinking about doing one-on-one friendship building exercises so I can get to know all my friends even better than before, and I wanted to start with you!"

Applejack scratched the back of her neck. "I dunno, Twilight. I mean... you know I'm not into all that girly fru-fru stuff, right?"

"Well of course!" The unicorn rolled her eyes. "I do remember the last sleepover, after all. That's why I wanted to ask you first: I don't think last time was quite your thing, so I want to get a better idea of what would be! You don't like makeovers? We'll have pillow fights and tell ghost stories instead! How about it, AJ, whattaya say?"

Applejack's eyes drifted to the left as she tapped her chin. "Well..."

Her friend's face contorted into an enormous, almost grotesque, pout, eyes doubling in size and watering ever so slightly.

"Fine, fine! Just you 'n me, then." Applejack laughed as Twilight clapped her hooves together. "But on one condition: we hafta make s'mores. Them's good eatin'."

Twilight grinned. "Of course, AJ. I'll get everything ready and see you tomorrow night!"

Applejack had to admit this sleepover was a lot better than the one they'd had with Rarity, even if both had been to blame for the events of that night. An initial flurry of "What do you want to do first?"s quickly subsided when Applejack suggested they just take their time to relax and not worry so much about what to do. It was just like Twilight to fret over every little thing, after all.

Several s'mores and one poorly-roped wooden unicorn bust later, they finally got to the part that Twilight had been waiting for all night: ghost stories. Applejack had noticed her checking the clock and worrying her lip on numerous occasions, not to mention the times it seemed she was about to suggest they go ahead with it, only to be cut off by Applejack's own suggestion. Relenting at last, Applejack sat back on a pile of pillows, chewing idly on a s'more as Twilight doused the lights and launched into the tale she'd been holding back all evening.

"In the grand streets of Canterlot," she began, narrowing her eyes and making her tone as menacing as possible, "there are many dark corners and shady alleyways, and within these murky confines lurk ponies who seek one thing: power! The power to shape the world to their bidding, the power to defend the weak, or even oppress them should they wish. Though they hold arcane meetings in furtive enclaves, by day you can find them in the highest echelons of Canterlot life: city administrators, nobility, university deans. But where, you might ask, would any unicorn get such incredible power? The answer is: The Ueton Game!"

Applejack made a face. "The Ooey-whatnow?"

"Shh! Let me explain! The Ueton Game takes place in a shared dream, whose players benefit from increased power -- strength, magic, endurance, speed -- so long as they continue to win it. Every night, they see horrifying visions in their dreams: ponies that bleed from the eyes, creatures with sharp fangs and multiple heads, living goo that tries to suck the marrow from their bones!" Twilight rose up on her hind legs. "And the longer you play, the more unspeakable become these horrors!

"The game tries to stop you, of course, and should you fall to the marauding hordes of darkness, a price must be paid, taken from your soul! But the player who loses isn't out of the game, no. They just start over, tormented night after night with unrelenting nightmares that rend their psyches to tatters! Clawing desperately in the search for power as things which should not be try their hardest to stop them! It's--"

"Twilight!" Applejack's eyes were wide. "Yer gettin' a little overdramatic there."

"Oh, hah hah!" Twilight chuckled nervously, scratching the back of her head. "Sorry, I guess got I carried away. Anyway, to take part in this game, you just need to hear about it from someone who plays it and speak an oath to the dark powers beyond the veil."

"Oath?"

Twilight nodded. "An oath. Let's say you, for example, wanted to take part in the game. You wait until midnight and, just before you climb into bed, you'd say, 'I, Applejack, am hereby a willing player in the Ueton Game!' And then you go to sleep!" She grinned. "So what d'you think? Scary, huh?"

Applejack shook her head. "Nah. I mean, ponies bleedin' outta their eyes an' such is kinda creepy, but all I can think of now is callin' the 'Ooey-Gooey Game' and that just makes me think o' jelly!" She laughed. "It's more silly than anythin'!"

"Well, since you're not scared, why not try it? C'mon, it'll be fun!"

"Try it? What, you mean take that oath thingy? Why bother if it's just a ghost story?" She laughed again, but it died off as she noticed Twilight staring at her intently.

"Why not?" The unicorn's voice was on edge. "What's the holdup, AJ? It's like saying 'Milky Mary' three times in a bathroom mirror, right? Nothing will happen! There's no ghost cow to come out and spirit you away to the land of the dead or anything!" Twilight's left eye twitched.

And Applejack had been planning to tell the Milky Mary legend for her ghost story, too. Shoot.

"I mean, it's just a stupid urban legend, meant for scaring little fillies, but Applejack, what if it were true?" Twilight licked her lips, hysteria filtering into her voice. "Think about it, all the power you could get... it would be theoretically limitless! You could run faster, buck more apples, not get tired as quickly..."

"Twilight, stop, yer startin' to worry me now!" Applejack frowned at Twilight's manic expression, focused somewhere over her shoulder. "You know I ain't the kind of pony who's interested in gettin' all-powerful or nothin'."

Twilight, on the verge of tears, choked on her words. "Applejack, please! You have to..." Applejack slid over and placed a hoof around her, at which point she started sniffling.

"Twi... That weren't no ghost story you just told, was it?"

"I'm sorry, Applejack..." Twilight turned her face away. "This whole sleepover thing was a deception. I thought if I just told you outright, you wouldn't believe me..."

Applejack swallowed. This was not the Twilight she knew. "I'll believe ya, sugarcube, if'n you're willing to tell me the truth."

After a few long breaths to quiet her sobbing, Twilight spoke anew, quietly. "The Ueton Game isn't a story, it's real, and I've been playing it for six years now. Every night for the last six years, all I've dreamt about has been monsters and blood and guts and..." Her lead turned up, showing red-rimmed eyes. "You have no idea what it's like! It's driving me crazy, Applejack, and I need your help to get out!"

"Why me? Tell me the whole story here."

Twilight drew a long breath. "I was brought into the game when I was just a filly, the year after I started studying at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I didn't know any better, and I trusted the mare who introduced me to the game. It wasn't long before I lost; the only time I've lost. It was terrible, like feeling a thousand icicles plunging into your body and ripping back out again, and when I woke up... I'd changed." She turned her face away. "I'd always been studious and interested in magic, yes, but after that loss, I became... obsessed. Crazy, you could say. You've seen what happens when things stop being predictable around me. I completely freak out; I can't help it. Something was taken from me on that day and it left me a different pony."

Applejack didn't like where this was going. "What happened to the mare who got you into it?"

Twilight sighed. "She... she died within a year. The coroner said it was natural causes, that she simply... stopped, in her sleep. But I know what happened: she'd lost the game one too many times and had nothing left to give it. This is what the game does, Applejack. I came to you because, out of all my friends, I think you're the one who's the most resilient, not just physically but mentally too. I have a theory, that if I could just get to the center of the game with somepony else, I could find a way to stop it, to get out. The game is why my magic is so powerful, and getting stronger every day, but I'm tired of it. I've been playing for so long, Applejack, so very long."

Applejack shook her head. "I dunno, Twilight. If what you're sayin' is all true, I stand to risk losin' my mind by helpin' you."

Twilight twisted around, her face lined with horror. "Applejack, I really can't count on anypony else! I thought about asking Rainbow Dash instead, but she'd never believe me. I know we can do this together. I'll be there in the dream to help you! And... and you'll get stronger while you're playing! I wasn't kidding about the results; there's no way to tell what will happen, but there's great benefit in playing."

"Just at the cost of your soul."

Twilight, shamed, dropped her gaze to the floor. "You're right, I... can't ask you to risk your soul for me. I just... I don't know what I'm going to do..." Tears began to pool on the wood flooring beneath her. A knife twisted in Applejack's stomach.

"Twilight, it's obvious this thing has you at wit's end. If there ain't no other way for ya to get out, then... I'll forgive ya tryin' to trick me. I'll help."

Twilight turned to her, eyes shimmering. "Do you mean it?"

"So long as you done told me everything about it."

Twilight nodded, sniffing back tears. "All you have to do is say the oath, tonight before you sleep: 'I,' and state your full name, 'am hereby a willing player in the Ueton Game.' It needs to be said loudly, and with full intention, but that's it. We'll even be able to meet up in the game, though you may not recognize me."

Slowly, Applejack returned the nod. "Okay, Twilight. I won't letcha down."

She was swept up in a huge hug. "Thank you so much, Applejack! I knew I could count on you!" Applejack returned the embrace, though something nagged at the back of her mind.

"Twilight... D'you know how to get out of the game, then?"

The unicorn went limp in her arms, shivering. "No," she said, her voice tiny, frightened. "That's what scares me the most. You wanted to know everything, so know there's a chance that there's no way out of the game at all. You may end up stuck in it for the rest of your life. And... I've tried to get others to help me too, when I was younger, but they all ended up..." She swallowed. "It's so much for me to ask of you, Applejack..."

Applejack sniffed. "Never you mind. You got taken advantage of and it ain't fair you had to get involved in this all by yourself. So at the very least, I'll keep ya company."

"Thank you, AJ," Twilight whispered. The clock chimed eleven and she drew a deep breath. "Well, there's just an hour left to go."

Applejack nodded and they spent most of the rest of the hour cleaning up and trying not to give each other awkward looks. It was, she thought, like standing back from the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea. She couldn't quite see where she'd end up, but she had a pretty good idea of what the plunge would be like. Except that this would be like no other plunge she had ever taken.

At five minutes till midnight, they locked up the downstairs, extinguished the lights, and climbed up to the loft, where Twilight had set up a guest bed. Applejack stood at the foot of it, eyes closed, just focusing on breathing.

The clock chimed twelve.

"I," she glanced at Twilight, "Jacqueline Mercy Apple, am hereby a willing player in the Ueton Game." She hoped she had said it properly, though she wasn't sure if that was really a good thing to hope. Nothing happened, though she'd been expecting lightning crashing or evil laughter or something. She looked over at Twilight. "And don't you never call me Jacqueline." Twilight giggled at her.

"You'll know if it worked as soon as you go to sleep," she said, climbing into her own bed. Applejack nodded, following suit and wondering if the ball of thick coldness in the pit of her stomach would ever let her sleep.

It looked like the apple cellar underneath the barn at Sweet Apple Acres, half as wide as it was long, dark and dingy, carved from the earth and reinforced with wood beams. Smelled like it, too. She could even make out the shelves filled with jars that stored her family's personal stock of zap apple jam, though they were empty. Looking behind herself, the open cellar door let in meager light from a flat, grey sky that illuminated only the half of the cellar behind her. The stairs to the outside were gone.

"Hello?" Her voice echoed dully off the dirt. "Is anypony there?"

When no response came, she peered into the gloom ahead of her. A single wooden door was there, where none should have been.

"This must be a dream," she told herself, and stepped towards it. It opened silently at her touch, onto a room twice the size of the one she had come from, and slammed shut once she passed through.

The floor was dirt and the walls were shored up by wood panelling, rotten in places where it wasn't outright leaking. There were no light sources, yet she could see. Three other doors, identical to the one she had just passed through, stood closed in the center of each wall. The only other feature in this room, directly in the center, was a small pile of what looked like waste and a single blue-hued Parasprite, floating serenely above it and smiling at her. She made a face.

"Yeesh, not you guys again. At least I ain't got any food for ya."

The Parasprite seemed uninterested in doing anything besides watching her as she tried each of the doors. None would open, even the one that she'd come through. She tried kicking the one on the left-hand wall, but though it gave slightly under each buck, she felt like she wasn't making any progress and gave up after a while.

The sound of chewing drew her attention back to the center of the room where the Parasprite had begun feasting upon the pile of offal. Applejack stuck out her tongue.

"Eugh! I take back what I... Aw shoot, this ain't gonna be good."

As the Parasprite finished with the dung, its color turned from blue to red. It doubled in size, and its expression changed from one of blissful happiness to one of malevolence. It sucked in a breath and made a spitting noise, launching a ball of red goop at her.

With a cry, she ducked to the side and the stuff splattered on the wall behind her. Close up, it looked far too similar to blood to be comforting. After a beat, the Parasprite fired again. Though it didn't make any effort to chase her down or spit any more frequently, it relentlessly followed her path as she circled the perimeter, even though she kept pace ahead of each shot.

"This is gettin' me nowhere!" she cried, and ducked below the next blood ball. It fired again, and close up it scored a hit. The red liquid singed her coat and she hissed in pain. Maybe it wasn't blood after all. Now that she'd closed the gap, she was able to lash out, and with a mighty kick she reduced the insect to a red smear on the end of her hoof.

"Now I understand why Rarity's so hard-up on not gettin' dirty," she said, trying in vain to shake and scrape the stuff off herself. At least it didn't burn.

There was a click, and all four doors swung open, though she could see nothing but darkness beyond any of them. With a sinking feeling, she swallowed, and trotted to the left side, where she'd first tried opening the door. She put her ear to the door frame, but heard nothing. Mustering her courage -- it had only been a little Parasprite, after all -- she sauntered through into another, similar room.

Piles of rocks littered the ground here and there. There was only one door, however, on the opposite wall from her, and in between herself and the door was something that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand endwise.

The severed head of a male unicorn floated just above the ground in the center of the room. It rotated slowly until it was face to face with her, eyeless sockets dripping red ichor down its face, its mouth frozen in gaping horror. Upon 'seeing' Applejack, it made a coughing sound and its horn lit up, launching a red sphere at her.

"Oh, not this again!" The shock of seeing the attack coming her away broke the terror that rooted her to the floor and she dove to the side. Her course of action was clear. Like the Parasprite, this floating monstrosity didn't chase her, nor did it attack too frequently. She charged in, ducked to the side, heeled around to its left and bucked it twice. It exploded in a small shower of blood and bone fragments, and she sighed in relief. There was a click, the door swung open, and something appeared on the ground in the center of the room: a single red apple.

She looked at it askance, untrusting of the sudden conjuration. But something about it was enticing. She wasn't hungry, per se, but so far it was the nicest thing she'd seen since she got here. Bending down, she went to take a bite, but it vanished as soon as she touched it and she felt the burns from the blood spatter begin to soothe and heal over.

"Well, if that don't beat all..." Applejack shook her head. "Steady on, AJ. Best just to accept this place don't make no sense and carry on."

As she turned towards the room's egress, she thought she could hear a voice, just beyond the doorway. Concentrating, she picked it out again, clearer, calling her name.

"It sounds like... Hold on, Twilight, I'm comin'!"

She rushed headlong through the door, and nearly ran into yet another horrible creature. Seated between two low walls were a pair of pale-coated ponies. Upon their faces were light-hearted, slightly manic smiles and tracks of bloody tears down their cheeks. She recoiled as they got to their hooves and, expressions never wavering, began to give chase, uttering low moans now and again.

Applejack was not a cowardly pony, but the continued appearance of one freaky monster after another had her on edge, and she raced around the room past another closed and locked door, spying a small chest half-buried in a pile of rubble. The grinning ponies continued to chase her, but they moved extremely slowly. She lashed out at the chest, bucking the latch, hoping for something that would make her stay in this horrid place easier. A tiny silver key popped out and the chest vanished. It wasn't what she'd anticipated, but she grabbed it -- like the apple, it vanished as soon as she touched it -- and took off for the other end of the room as the ponies caught up with her.

She took stock of her situation: two monsters and a mostly featureless room with three doors. There was nothing for it. She stood her ground, waited until the nearest pony came within striking distance and bucked. The head made a sucking noise as it rocketed off its neck, and the body began stumbling about blindly. The thing's fellow paid it no notice and blundered into Applejack, biting her on the flank.

Applejack cried out in pain and gave it three good kicks before it collapsed into a bloody mess. She stomped over to the headless body that was still tottering about, bumping into walls and smearing them with blood, and with no hesitation reduced it to a pile of gore. The familiar click sounded again, the doors swung open, and another chest popped into being in the center of the room.

"Okay," she said, catching her breath, "so in every room, I gotta kill all the monsters before the doors open, and then sometimes I get a little reward. Gotcha." The voice sounded again, distant but closer, as she made her way over to the chest and opened it, this time with more care. Inside was what looked like a vitamin pill. She carefully lifted it out and regarded it, perched on the end of her hoof.

"Huh. Well, if that apple healed my hurts, then I guess you oughta do somethin' nice too, right?" With a shrug, she threw caution to the wind and the pill down her throat, swallowing. Something within her changed, though she couldn't lay a hoof on what; she just felt different somehow.

The left-side door, she now noted, had not in fact opened, only the upper door, but since the voice came from that direction, she moved through it.

After passing the curtain of darkness, she saw a room that seemed to be on fire. On second glance, it became obvious that it was merely a series of small fires, burning on piles of logs, controlled. The fires emitted no smoke. There were no monsters present, and the doors in this room were open already. She was considering which to go through when something emerged from the upper door.

It looked, for all intents and purposes, like that floating unicorn head she'd fought earlier, only it was continuously rotating. And it had four faces, each with a single eye and horn. Also, it was purple. In fact, if she didn't know better, she'd say it looked like...

"...Twilight?" Applejack felt sick to her stomach.

"Applejack, I'm so glad I found you!" The four mouths did not move, her voice coming from the ambient air, nor did the rotating cease as she spoke. It was beginning to make Applejack dizzy. "I haven't seen myself for a long time, so I have no idea what I look like, but judging by your face, it's not pretty, huh?"

"Yeah, uh... I seen better." She took an involuntary step backward as the head floated closer. "Land's sakes, I don't think I can take any more of this freaky-deaky nonsense."

"Don't worry, Applejack, you're close to the end of this maze. I'm only here 'in spirit', so to speak; I can't affect anything but I've been scouting around. You see, each time you go to sleep, the game will send you to a maze with random room layouts."

"I figured out I gotta fight all the monsters to get through 'em."

"Right! And sometimes you'll find rooms like this one, that have no enemies, or like the one to your right -- see the gold door frame? -- that contain a magical item that will help you out."

Applejack scratched her head. "Like that little pill thing I found?"

"Ooh, you got a pill?" The Twilight-head sounded excited. "What color was it?"

"Uhh... Kinda orange and red, I think. I ate it."

"Good. That one, if I'm not mistaken, will increase your resistance to damage. You don't want to take too many hits, or you'll have to start over."

A lump rose in Applejack's throat at the mention of 'starting over'. "With less soul" were the words Twilight had left out.

"C'mon, go through that door and let's see what you can find."

"All right." Applejack did as told, moving through the gilded door into a room lit by two of the small, controlled fires arranged on either side of a short pillar. Atop the pillar sat a large piece of parchment, floating so that its surface was plainly visible to her.

"Oh wow, AJ, you're in luck!" Twilight's laughter echoed somewhat in the room. "You found a map! You'll have no problem navigating the mazes now. Go pick it up."

She did as bidden, the parchment rolling up neatly and depositing itself in a saddlebag she was certain she hadn't been wearing. The saddlebag disappeared just after she noticed it being there. She looked to Twilight.

"Okay, uh... So how do I use it?"

"Close your eyes. You'll be able to see all kinds of information when you do. The dark squares are rooms you haven't been to, and light ones are rooms you have. It'll tell you the locations of items you've passed by, as well as where to find secret rooms."

The image on the back of her eyelids looked like a key made out of squares. According to it, there were two unexplored rooms north of the fire room, and one each above and to the right of the room where she'd fought the Parasprite. That is, if she was reading it right. The room behind the door that hadn't opened was marked with a bit sign and there was a question mark sitting outside the walls of one of the rooms near where she started. There was also an image of two apples, half an apple, and an apple outline, plus a key like the one she'd found.

"Well, I think I see what to do now." She shook her head. "I got so many questions, Twilight, but the only one I can think to ask is, why in the hay do you look like that?"

Twilight giggled. "Like I said, I've been playing for years without losing. The magic items will sometimes change your appearance in the dream. I really need to find a mirror somewhere, I haven't the faintest clue how I look."

"Trust me," Applejack deadpanned, "you don't wanna know."

With Twilight there only to guide her, it was up to Applejack to complete the maze. She decided not to go back the way she'd come and instead continued on past the fire room. Above it was a room with a star-shaped pattern of rocks in the middle, a large doorframe across from her that was surmounted by a pony skull, and three headless pegasi that flitted aimlessly about the room.

It didn't take her long to destroy them all, and when she did, another apple appeared next to the rocks. She snatched it up, letting it disappear, and closed her eyes to double-check the map. Now the room she was in was lit up, and the one above it was marked by a skull. Also, the apple picture had filled in a little, and was now three and a half apples instead of two.

"Twilight? I got a bad feelin' about the room up ahead."

"Don't worry, Applejack. Every maze has a large monster at the end. When you defeat it, you'll get an item and passage to the next maze. If you wake up in the middle of a maze, you'll start back where you left off the next time you sleep, but if you beat the end beast, you actually get a night's reprieve. I should have mentioned that earlier, I guess."

Applejack nodded. "All right. Just gotta beat the end beast."

"You can do it, AJ! I believe in you!"

"Thanks, Twi. I'm glad one of us does." Applejack smiled, took a deep breath, and plunged into the darkness.

Morning for Applejack was unkind.

"Ohh, mah head..." She squeezed her eyes shut, pulling the blankets tightly around herself and shivering. "Why do I feel like a hundred icicles?"

"Applejack, what happened?" Twilight frowned at her from across the loft, looking hurt. "I couldn't get into the final room."

"Ugh, that... that purple thingy... kept spittin' jelly at me... couldn't move!"

"Oh, Applejack!" Twilight slid out of her bed, moving to Applejack's and putting her hooves around her. "I never thought you'd have to fight Smoozo the Unmentionable first thing. He can be a real pain to beat if you don't know what strategy works."

Applejack, thankful for the warmth, turned a wary eye to her friend. "Ya mean you fought him before?"

Twilight nodded. "The game uses a set number of monsters, over and over again. You'll find worse ones as you go deeper."

A realization hit Applejack like a bolt of lightning. "Twilight, I lost! I lost part of my soul! What's happened to me?"

Twilight said nothing, only hugging her friend closer.

"And you mean to tell me I hafta start over tomorrow night? And keep doin' this every night forever?"

"I tried to warn you," Twilight whispered. "I'm so sorry, Applejack."

Something fierce and clammy welled up within her. "Yeah, you better be sorry." She kicked the covers off, almost kicking Twilight in the jaw, and rolled out of bed. Trotting down the stairs, she retrieved her hat and flipped it onto her head. "I'm gonna go back to the farm and buck apples or somethin'. Seeya in my dreams, Twilight."

The next night, Applejack found herself back in the cellar. The comfort that Twilight's admittedly bizarre presence had given her on that first night was denied on subsequent visits to the dream world, and she missed it. Twilight had said the same thing happened to her when she first started playing. Applejack also found that her map and extra apple were gone. She won this time, though, finding a crown along the way that gave her a unicorn horn so she could attack from a distance with beams of light; she counted that for her victory against the giant segmented worm at the end of the maze. In the nights to come, she would miss that old familiar sight of the cellar, starting instead from blank rooms first lined with wood and then stone.

In her waking hours, she would sometimes go down to the real Sweet Apple Acres cellar and stare at the far wall, willing something to happen.

After a week or so with no losing, she found that a full day's applebucking didn't leave her tired anymore. She challenged Rainbow Dash to a race, wings allowed, and won. She avoided Twilight's house and snapped at anyone who asked why.

The horrors of her nighttime game playing were growing steadily worse, however, and the toll began to show not long after she began playing. Dead, eyeless ponies, their toothy maws agape, chased her down stone corridors while she dodged blood spatter launched by Parasprites. She fought timberwolves that had been set aflame and a giant pony with a rock attached to its front hoof. But when she found the room full of fillies, their flesh pallid and teeth serrated, that opened their jaws impossibly wide and screamed at her, she had had enough. She awoke with a shout. It took all her will not to see her bedroom, dark and silent, as a chamber of menace. She curled up in her blankets and cried.

The next day found her at the front door of the library, knocking wearily as she tried to keep her eyes open.

"Applejack! I haven't seen you in..."

"Twilight."

They stared at each other, unblinking, and Twilight stepped aside to allow her friend entrance. Applejack shut the door behind herself, loped over to the couch and lay down on it, rolling onto her back before the tears flowed again.

"Why, Twilight, why? Why does this horrible place exist in my nightmares? What terrible thing did ponies do to create something so bad?"

Twilight lay down next to her friend and stroked her dishevelled mane soothingly. "I don't know, Applejack. But I know how you feel; I went through this too."

"You can't know how I feel!" Applejack slapped Twilight's hoof away. "You just can't! My life before now was just absolutely fine! And then you had to go and tell me about this stupid game and now... I've been getting irritated by every little thing. I keep snappin' at my friends, my family... And I can't sleep. I keep wakin' up because them creatures just get more and more terrible every night! I'm faster 'n stronger, sure, but who cares when I can barely keep my eyes open? I don't dare close 'em, because I know I'm just gonna see those things again..."

Twilight sighed. "I'm so sorry, Applejack. I guess I thought you'd be able to take it."

Applejack pushed her away. "Twilight, nopony should be able to 'take' those things I see! It just ain't natural! It's like the complete opposite of everything that ever existed in Equestria, rolled up into one giant... giant... I don't even know! There ain't no word for it!"

Twilight stood, and Applejack watched her move slowly over to a bookshelf. She didn't choose a tome, however, her head down as she chewed on her lower lip.

"Twilight?"

"What you said just now... Applejack, I've been so busy looking for a way out of the game, I never once considered finding out where it came from. And that might just be the solution!" Her face brightened for a fleeting moment. "Only I've never read about anything even remotely like it, not even in the Star Swirl the Bearded Wing of the Canterlot Archives. I'd ask Princess Luna, since dreams are her domain, but something tells me the Princesses really shouldn't know about this."

"I know who should, though."

Twilight whirled on her. "Applejack, no! You can't!"

Applejack was already off the couch and headed for the door. "I can and I will! We need the girls to help us whip this thing!"

"AJ, if I wasn't hearing this from you, I'd never believe it, and I still don't believe it!"

"You mean to tell us that there is some horrid dream world that gives ponies power?"

"Well that's no fun!"

"It sounds... so awful..."

Applejack nodded. "It's absolutely true. I been tangled up in it for two weeks now; Twilight said she's played it for six years. She thinks there's a way to beat it and get loose, but I say that ain't gonna happen unless we can get all o' y'all in on it. I won't force or cajole y'all to say yes, though, because believe you me, ain't nothin' can prepare you for what you'll see there."

Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy looked at each other.

"Well, I'm game," said Rainbow. "I mean, it sounds creepy and all, but kicking monster butt in my dreams would sure make sleeping way cooler."

"Ain't that simple, RD," Applejack mumbled.

Rarity shook her head. "I really cannot believe that you would ask such a thing of us, Applejack. I mean, from what you've told us, there isn't even any guarantee there is an end to this 'game'. We could all end up entangled in it with no hope of escape!"

"And what about Fluttershy?" Pinkie scrunched up her face and glared at Applejack. "If she saw monsters and blood and headless bodies, she'd just curl up in a corner and scream!"

"I think we should all do it."

Four heads turned to look at Fluttershy, mouths open in disblief.

"Wait, ya can't be serious..."

"Did you just say what I think you said?"

"Fluttershy, there's no way!"

"Fluttershy, what has gotten into you?"

"I'm serious." The pegasus drew herself up and puffed her chest forward. "If this dream, whatever it is, has been trapping ponies and making them hurt or go crazy for years and years and years, well... I think we should try and stop it." Her eyes dipped floorward and she ducked behind her mane. "Even if it does sound extremely scary and gory and I don't really want to go there."

Pinkie used a hoof to close her own mouth. "Well, if Fluttershy's willing to do it, then so am I!"

They turned to Rarity, who seemed to shrink back slightly from their gazes. She swallowed, giving them a sheepish grin.

"I can't very well leave my best friends to the wolves, now can I?"

Applejack nodded. "I just wanna say one more time: none of y'all have to do this. Ya got until tonight to back out." She looked at each of them in turn; even Fluttershy returned her gaze resolutely. "Okay. Here's what ya gotta do..."

"I, Rainbow Elizabeth Dash, am hereby a willing player in the Ueton Game!"

"I, Pinkamina Diane Pie, am hereby a willing player in the Ueton Game!"

"I, Rarity Gardenia Sparkler, am hereby a willing player in the Ueton Game!"

"I, um, Fluttershy Thunderbolt Morningdew, am hereby a willing player in the Ueton Game!"

"Applejack, what've you done?"

Applejack held firm under Twilight's withering gaze as she checked to make sure all five of her friends had made the transition into the game.

"What has she done?" Rarity piped up. "What did you do, Twilight?"

"Um..."

Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs and glowered at Twilight. "Yeah! You're the one who started all of this!"

"Excuse me..."

"Hang on now, girls," said Applejack, "it ain't exactly Twilight's fault."

"Girls? I think Fluttershy has something to say." At Pinkie's behest, all heads turned towards Fluttershy, who squeaked and shrank back, as if she'd forgotten she'd been trying to get their attention.

"Um, well, I was just going to point out that... This place sort of doesn't look anything like what Applejack described."

Applejack blinked. "You're right, sugarcube..."

They were on grass-covered rolling hills with forest to the west. The sky was grey and a light breeze, unfelt by the ponies, bent the grasses now and then, creating rustling noises that crept up their spines. A bit of fog surrounded them at a distance, and on the edges of it, dark shapes wandered aimlessly.

"Not only is this not the Ueton Game that I know," Twilight said, "I look normal now!" She ran her hooves down her neck, patting her flanks. "I don't have any of my powers!"

"Shucks, I lost my crown thingy, then." Applejack shrugged under her friends' questioning gazes. "When ya gotta blow stuff up across the room, havin' a horn's kinda nice!"

Twilight's face lit up. "Applejack, do you know what this means? Somehow, we've come to a different part of the game, one with no walls! Maybe we can make it to the center, or even the end! I think you may have just won us the game!" She threw her arms around Applejack, who blushed under the attention.

"Hey now, don't go thankin' me 'til we actually done won it." She patted Twilight and smiled. "And Twilight? I'm sorry for bein' real snippy with you lately."

"It's okay, AJ, you've been under a lot of stress."

Applejack shook her head. "I don't think it's stress. I think that, when I lost that very first time, the part of me what got taken was my temper. I've been havin' a real hard time keepin' a level head ever since. So, don't take it personal-like."

Twilight smiled and hugged her.

"Now that all the sappy junk is out of the way," Rainbow Dash said, flying out in front of them, "why don't we get going? This game's not gonna win itself, y'know!"

"All right," said Twilight with a nod, "but stay together. I've never been here before and there's no way of knowing what could be out there."

The six of them took off running north, toward a gap where fewer shapes moved. Fluttershy kept close to Pinkie while Rainbow Dash and Applejack led the charge. Applejack caught sight of some of the shapes now and again, and recognized most of them as creatures from the game, though they seemed uninterested in the intrusion. It was the ones she didn't recognize that worried her.

The hills continued to roll as they ran, seemingly infinite and never changing. The fog remained at a constant distance around them and no monsters approached.

"Guys, look!"

Rainbow Dash halted, pointing skyward. It seemed, as they looked ahead, that the grey clouds slowly grew darker, and in the great distance, lightning flashed.

"That's got to be where we need to go," said Twilight. "Come on!"

All at once, there was a great moaning and the ground trembled beneath their hooves. Dozens of shapes shambled out of the mist: headless ponies, ponies with extra limbs, ponies walking upright with arms outstretched, alongside things they could barely put names to. They rose up in a wall, blocking the path forward, moving in from the sides to flank the interlopers.

Applejack narrowed her eyes and stomped the ground once.

"Charge."

They did so, wings flapping double time, horns aglow and hooves pounding the grass flat. Rarity lifted a mutant pony out of their path while Twilight set up a moveable barrier, pushing the things clear of their right flank. Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Pinkie went on the offensive, bucking left and right as they passed to keep the monsters off balance. Fluttershy mostly focused on keeping her eyes closed. Enough monsters fell into a tangle that those behind them got caught up in it as well, and they soon found themselves with a clear path to the storm.

Again, the ground shook, and this time split beneath them as the sky darkened overhead. A great yawning mouth made of earth and rock rose up from the fissure, crying out in anguish as a fist as large as any of them slammed into the ground. It formed a head, dark unseeing eyes staring down at them from the height of a five-story building. Applejack let her momentum carry her, jumping onto the fist as it rose back into the air and leaping into one of the eye sockets, Rainbow Dash entering the other.

Inside the thing was a teeming, roiling mass of flesh and blood, moaning and straining to break free from the bone cages which held it in the shape of walls. Rainbow Dash shivered, but Applejack scanned the interior, turning around when she saw what she was looking for.

"Twilight!" she called out of the eye. "We need some light up here! I think I see a weak spot!"

While Pinkie and Fluttershy kept it busy on the ground, Twilight and Rarity sent light balls upward to illuminate the inside of the creature's head. At the center of the head was a pulsating thing that looked like a brain. Applejack and Rainbow Dash exchanged a glance, nodded, and lashed out simultaneously.

The earth giant exploded in a shower of rock and bone, and Twilight kept the four on the ground safe from the debris with a shimmering half-dome of light. Rainbow Dash appeared holding Applejack aloft as the dirt oozed back into the fissure that had spawned it and the earth sealed back up.

The sky darkened further.

"Look, the mist is parting!"

A spire rose up from the horizon, its outlines becoming clearer as the fog burned away. Lightning struck its top and the thunder resonated in their guts. With a quick nod to make sure everypony was unhurt, Twilight led the charge toward the tower.

The grass gave out here, and bare earth soon became a rocky plain. As they ran closer and closer, never tiring, the lightning began to seek them out. First a bolt struck a rock near Pinkie Pie, turning it into a shower of gravel. Then Rainbow Dash had a near-miss and folded her wings, joining her friends on the ground. With the lack of high structures, the lightning appeared to be seeking them out, and they had just enough time before each strike to move clear. Without further ado, they reached the foot of the tower.

"Oh my stars," Rarity breathed, "it's so... so high!"

They craned their necks upward, but, though they had seen the top from afar, they now could no longer tell where tower ended and sky began. A doorway, ten times their size, gaped out from the spire and grudgingly invited them in. Horns alight, they made a cautious entrance.

"...Eugh, and horribly gauche."

The interior was dimly lit, patterned with glowing orange cracks in a smooth, dark-brown stone. Above, giant cogs whirred and spun lazily, powering some unknown machine further up. The black floor was so polished they could see their reflections. In the center of the tower opening, far inside the walls, was a cylinder with a door facing them. Twilight glanced at each member of the group, getting a nod, before they moved over to it and pulled it open. The interior was black.

"It's just like goin' through doors in the game," Applejack said. "Don't know what's there 'til you make it through."

"Only one way to find out then," replied Twilight. "On three. One... two...!"

They plunged into the darkness, but their hooves did not meet with floor on the other side. Instead, they dropped slightly, landing unsteadily a few feet below where they started.

The interior of the cylinder was so much larger than its exterior dimensions, it was like they were in another place entirely. Something large thrummed rhythmically overhead, and blue and orange lights pulsated from nowhere in particular. A bank of screens faced them, a solid wall that cut the room into a semicircle.

"Where are we?"

"Greetings," said a harsh yet feminine voice. Light coalesced in front of them, producing an image of a dark alicorn. "Whatever weary traveler thou art, I bid thee welcome to the Abyss of Dreams."

"Princess Luna!"

Luna blinked, looking down at them. "Thou knowest me?"

"It's me, Twilight Sparkle, and the other Elements of Harmony!"

The image blinked again, uncomprehending. "That name does not spark my memory. But I am not truly Princess Luna, merely a shadow, left here to guard the Abyss."

Applejack's eyes widened as the screens lit up, showing them scene after scene of ponies engaged in all sorts of activities, some of which were absolutely implausible.

"What's the Abyss of Dreams?" Rainbow Dash flew closer to the screens, observing a scene of a unicorn stallion surfing on a wave of pudding.

"The Abyss is a reliquary, a repository for all dreams that are and that have been. What thou seest before thee is but a sample of the dream images stored herein."

Applejack looked at Twilight, who seemed to be concentrating on the floor. "I think I know what you're gonna ask."

Twilight lifted her head, gazing levelly at Luna. "What does this have to do with the Ueton Game?"

The image of Luna seemed taken aback. "What is this game thou speakest of?"

"It's a shared dream world. Ponies who participate in it become trapped, seeing horrors in their sleep and battling for survival night after night."

Luna's eyes searched side to side. "I do not know! I have never heard of such a thing! Perhaps..."

Rarity leaned forward. "Yes?"

"The reliquary in which you stand is but an archive, yet the architecture enclosing it was designed with another purpose in mind." The screens changed, now showing a single image across their breadth, of the dawn of Equestria. "Long ago, at the founding of the nation we call Equestria, my sister and I feared the return of the windigoes. We sought a way to remove negative emotions and violent thoughts from the populace, at least insofar as we could. Dreams were the answer.

"We sponged negativity from the dreams of ponies, taking the worst images and locking them away. The capstone of the Abyss of Dreams is made of these images."

"So you mean all this time we been fightin' monsters and the like, it's because this here Abyss is full of other ponies' bad dreams?"

Luna nodded. "Something like that. I fear that our original plans did not last, however." Her image began to shimmer, as though something were pushing through it. "It is very possible..." Parts of Luna's form flashed, showing dark images. The ponies stepped back. "That the Abyss, in gathering all these negative feelings, has taken on a wi--"

The image glowed brightly and flashed. The six ponies gasped.

"Nightmare Moon!"

"Enough talking!" The image of Nightmare Moon laughed and expanded, doubling and redoubling in size, cracking and shattering the monitors as it pressed up against them. Within a minute, it filled the entire room, gazing down upon them with malevolence and bringing down a hoof that cracked the floor with its strength.

"Run!"

Again and again, the four hooves, seemingly disconnected from one another, crashed down, missing the ponies by inches. The image cackled and shouted at them.

"This is my domain! I have been here for too long!"

Applejack rolled to the side of a hoof that struck between her and Rarity. "Twilight, what in the hay is Nightmare Moon doin' here?"

"I don't know!" Twilight stopped short of being crushed beneath a hoof and teleported across the room. "But if that wasn't really Luna, then this isn't really Nightmare Moon!"

"You coulda fooled me!" cried Rainbow Dash, diving down and sweeping Pinkie off her hooves just in time.

"If only we had the Elements of Harmony with us!" cried Rarity. "Surely they could defeat this thing!"

The Nightmare Moon image's face melded into a black vortex of clouds in the ceiling, glowing eyes and mouth its only features. "You cannot defeat me! I am all-powerful here!" Lightning crackled along the swirling clouds, and the image cackled more.

"We do have the Elements of Harmony!" Twilight stopped her forward momentum, a giant hoof swinging over her head, and turned to her friends. "This is a dream, remember? Concentrate on your Elements, girls!"

Though the constant threat of attacks put them under severe strain, one by one, the six ponies drew upon their inner strength. Lights glowed as the Elements of Harmony manifested upon their bearers, causing the Nightmare which opposed them to scream in pain.

"We can do this! Elements of Harmony, formation!"

Though it screamed and pleaded, though it formed more spiderlike legs from the darkness with which to try and crush them, the shadow of Nightmare Moon was powerless against the Elements' light. Six spheres rose up in a circle and began to spiral ever faster beneath the black vortex which held the face. Rainbows pierced the dark clouds, drawing high-pitched squeals of anguish from the beast, until, with a final explosion of light, the screaming stopped and everything went dark.

"Twilight!"

Applejack was on her hooves before she even realized she needed to get out of bed, waking Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom as she raced out the door of the farmhouse. She tore down the dirt path toward Ponyville, all the while shouting, "Twilight! Rarity! Fluttershy!"

She collided with the latter as she crossed the bridge over the creek, shooting the pegasus a look but saying nothing as both plowed forward. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash joined their charge down Mane Street as lights one by one flicked on in homes across Ponyville.

"Applejack! Pinkie Pie!"

"Twilight!"

"Fluttershy!"

"Rainbow Dash!"

"Rarity!"

They skidded to a halt and ended up in a large pile, laughing and hugging each other with abandon.

"We did it, girls, we did it! We beat the game! I can't believe it!" Twilight sniffed and wiped tears from her eyes.

"But how did we even do it?" Rainbow Dash extricated herself from a tight Pinkie hug, trying to maintain her image. "What in the hay happened?"

Applejack looked to Twilight. "Yeah, I mean... When we all showed up, everything was different!"

Twilight laughed and shrugged. "I have no idea! Maybe it's because we all teamed up to work together! Maybe it's because we're the Elements of Harmony. We'll never know, but it doesn't matter, because we did it!"

"I knew we could do it," said Fluttershy, eyes brimming.

"What's goin' on? What's all the racket?"

"Hey, would you keep it down out there? Some of us are tryin' to sleep!"

"Shut up out there!"

Sheepishly, the six ponies picked themselves up, looked at one another, and silently decided they would be best off having an impromptu slumber party in the library.

At least six ponies in Ponyville would sleep well that night.

Author's Note

Not exactly a "speedfic", is it? Thanks to... Presspass for beta reading? c.c He hasn't done fanfic in six years, I don't think he'll care.

This story was my very first entry in the writeoffs; the very second writeoff, as a matter of fact. It took 5th place. I'll never understand why. So if it sucks, that's why; I didn't even bother editing this from the original version. I should actually apologize to all the people who gave me useful feedback that I'll never act on. It just wasn't worth trying to rewrite this to make sense for the characters. :B

As for what inspired it? A dream, if you can believe it. I seriously dreamed a Binding of Isaac/MLP crossover, which is about the stupidest idea ever. That's where Twilight's weird floating head form comes from, as well as the nonsensical title. Apologies to the people who wasted valuable time trying to figure out what "Ueton" meant.

The Scope of Love (Unfinished)

The Scope of Love
by Present Perfect

Chapter 1

My first time seeing Princess Luna up close is unforgettable: I'm immediately driven to my knees by a force -- no, an instinct -- that's all at once new and intimate. I stay genuflecting for but a few moments before she says, "Rise, my little pony," with a hint of softness that I almost mistake for a giggle.

"What is your name?"

"S-Sea Wishes, Your Highness." I swallow. Those bits of me not taken up by confusion and curiosity are all nerves. All I can think of is how much shorter she seems in person. I mean, she's taller than me, yes, but I remember having seen Celestia from about four rows back the last time the Summer Sun Celebration was in Fillydelphia, and she was just so... tall! So I guess I've always assumed that all Princesses would be the same. But Luna is only maybe a head taller than me, the size of a large stallion, if sleeker and longer of barrel. She inclines her head toward me and I realize I've been staring.

She smiles. "From this day, most will know you as Pisces."

"Uh..." I glance around the dark, starry void we've been standing in for the last few minutes. Being here is really not the strangest thing that's happened to me all day. "Forgive me, your highness, if I don't really understand what's going on."

Her smile does not waver. "Few do at first. I find it is usually best to let the others explain. But for the moment, let me assure that you are in no danger, you are not dead--" she giggles and I have to assume she gets the question a lot-- "and that you are bound for a place few ponies ever get to see. You are now the bearer of a Zodiac Mantle, the Mantle of Pisces to be specific, and a new world has been opened to you."

All I can do is blink. There are so many questions to be asked right now it's like they're ping-pong balls bouncing around in my brain. So much caroming is going on, I can't focus on one long enough to turn it into words.

She closes her eyes for a moment, and a light shines into the void. It comes from a portal that has just opened up a few paces away.

"There is much you will learn over the next few days, Sea Wishes, and it may become overwhelming. All I ask is that you trust in me and put fear aside, and you shall have any answer which you seek. For now, follow me."

"Yes, Princess."

Again, I feel as though I have no choice to obey her command, yet there is no reason why I wouldn't. I simply don't think twice as I follow her through the portal, having to trot a little to keep up, and emerge on the other side in a room.

It's a big room. Let's try that again. This room is filled with ornate marble pillars, marble everything really, that stretch up so far I'm surprised there aren't clouds at the top. They form a hallway in the middle of the room, beyond which I can see more marble expanding towards infinity. In the center of the room are steps leading to a sunken area that is filled with cushions, big poofy ones that look really luxurious. They're covered in tassles and stuff and just... they look really nice, okay?

And I realize there's a fountain somewhere because I can hear water running. In fact, I can smell it. More than that, I can sense it. I know right where that fountain is now! This is kind of neat!

I turn to look at Luna. She's beaming at me.

"Welcome to your new home: Zodiac Hall!"

Then she stamps her hoof on the marble twice. The sound is clear and powerful and rings out through the infinite marble columns. She says nothing further, but I somehow understand the message: Come and meet your new friend!

A few seconds later, I can hear hoofsteps. Lots of hoofsteps, coming from both sides of the room. I look back at Luna, but she's gone, and the portal along with her. When I turn around, there is a magenta earth pony right in my face.

"Hi!" she exclaims, with nearly enough force to knock me backward. Her expression is one of near manic excitement, eyes wide and teeth a-grin. She's almost vibrating with how much she can barely contain her...

Those are giant crab pincers on her hooves.

She hops up and down, the pincers clonking against the ground, and sings, "The ramble twins crab liverish! Scaly scorpions are good waterfish!" With a gasp, she says, "Fish! That's you! Everypony come say hello to new Pisces!"

That close, her voice is earsplitting. I don't have time to do more than cringe as she's shoved out of the way by a goldenrod pegasus with purple and orange mane.

"Cancer, you are going to scare her!" she admonishes, frowning at the pony with the crab claws. I also realize that she has a large set of scales, like weighing scales, just floating behind her. What?

"I do ask that you please forgive her," she says to me. "She can be a tad... enthusiastic at times."

She then stares directly at me. Expectantly. Like she's waiting for...

"Oh. I forgive you... Cancer, right?"

Cancer clacks her claws together and squeals. "Yay, I'm forgiven!"

The pegasus then relaxes and smiles. "That's better. Again, I must apologize for the lack of decorum and protocol. My name is Libra and I would like to welcome you to our home." She clears her throat. "And before anypony else decides to barge in, might I suggest that we all introduce ourselves one at a time?" She stresses the last part like a mother scolding her foals for the thirtieth time about the same thing.

With another smile, Libra backs off and I see eight, no, nine more ponies. There appears to be a set of twins here. They're formed into kind of a semicircle with me at the focal point. Thankfully, they're all at a decent distance for personal space matters.

The first to step forward is a light blue earth pony with flowing white and blue mane and a sleepy expression. "Hey dudette," she says, and even sounds half asleep. "Name's Aquarius. Like, it's gnarly to meetcha and stuff. Pretty sure we'll get along just awesome. Special talent's pouring water on things and junk. Far out, right?"

"That's enough, sweetie," Libra says with a tired smile. Aquarius shakes my hoof and then stands next to her. I can't help but notice Libra's wing pull her a little closer.

Next is an orange pegasus, a stallion, with black mane and a bow, the kind you shoot arrows with, slung around his midsection. He grins and extends his hoof immediately, which I take.

"Heya, I'm Sagittarius! You can call me Sadge, everpony does! If you need anything, feel free to ask me, okay? Great meeting you!"

He leaves me smiling. That went well!

"Hello, dear," says the most soothing and motherly voice I have ever heard, Celestia's included. It comes from a white earth pony with teal mane. Her tail's been styled to split at the end and it looks similar to a dolphin's flukes. Most notable, though, are the wavy goat horns perched on her head. I want to say they're fake, but I can't see a headband.

"My name is Capricorn." She smiles, and only then do I notice the slight wrinkles under her eyes. "Welcome to our home." The way she says it does make me feel welcome. She gives me a soft hug, and then joins the circle again, prodding the mare beside her to come up next.

"Yeah, uh..." She clears her throat. She's a maroon earth pony with a dour expression, and her tail is quite long and has been styled as well, so that it comes to a point. Somehow, she's able to keep it raised over her head, and in that position, it looks almost threatening. "Nice to have a Pisces again. I guess. I'm Scorpio. Don't mess with what's mine and we won't have any problems."

She snorts and backs off without offering any sort of contact. Capricorn pouts softly at her and Scorpio's head lowers. She says something I can't hear.

"I'm Taurus!" His voice echoes throughout the room and his hoofsteps make the floor shake. A hoof like a steel rod slaps me across the back hard enough to knock the wind out of me. "Nice to meet ya, little lady! You're a pretty one, y'know? Too bad I already got me two fillies to take care of!"

He leans down, bringing the two enormous horns on the sides of his head within whacking distance of my own. "I got two horns," he whispers, "one for each of 'em."

"Oh, stop!" shouts a voice from the circle.

"She doesn't want to know!" says another voice, which sounds almost identical.

Four hooves push Taurus out of the way as he's just standing there, grinning and waggling his eyebrows at me, and he's replaced by the twins. They're both unicorns like me: one is turquoise with yellow mane and the other is yellow with turquoise mane. That's... really weird.

"Hi there!" says the first.

"Hi again!" says the second.

"Like everypony's said--"

"It's great that you could join us--"

"And I hope that you'll like it here--"

"With all your new friends!"

"Hi..." is all I can think to say. The twins grin simultaneously, and then speak as one.

"I'm Gemini!"

I pause, then ask, "Wait, both of you are named Gemini?"

They giggle. "No, silly, there's only one of me!"

"One mare, two locations!"

"It's kind of confusing--"

"But I'll explain more later!"

"Promise!"

Now my eyes are spinning. Thus I am completely unprepared when Gemini parts due to another pony nearly jumping on top of them. Her? This is going to take some getting used to.

As is this creature. I can't even tell if she's earth pony, pegasus or unicorn, because she's covered poll to pastern in a lion costume. A lion costume. That's the only way I can describe it: yellow cloth with a big brown poofy mane covering her head. The only bits of her I can see are her face and hooves, which are aqua, and her grey tail, which is braided.

"Raar!" she roars. "I'm Leo! I'm a lion!"

I stare. "Uh. Hi Leo. I like your lion outfit. It's very--"

"What outfit?" she sniffs and frowns. "I told you, I'm a lion! You'd better be nice, or I'll eat you, pony!"

She bares her teeth at me and then saunters off, tail swishing.

"You must forgive her," says a cultured voice to my right. I turn to see a pure white earth pony dressed in a flowing toga, her pink and magenta mane carefully styled and secured with flowers. She tosses her head slightly, eyeing me with a slight smile. I am overwhelmed by her grace.

"Leo is a tad... eccentric," she says in soft tones like water running over smooth rocks. "I am Virgo. Like Sagittarius, I would be quite happy to assist you in settling in to this place." Her smile lights warmth in my chest. "Welcome."

I have to admit, I was totally checking her out as she walked back into the circle. My attention was only broken as Libra cleared her throat.

"By my count, that was only ten introductions." She leaves the statement to hang in the air until somepony else clears his throat.

There in the back, and now moving forward, is a short blue earth pony stallion with a slightly darker blue mane and tail. On his head are large, lumpy horns that curl backward, setting him apart from both Capricorn and Taurus. His gaze studiously does not meet mine, and his speech is curt and clipped.

"Hello. I'm Aries. It's nice to meet you. Hope you'll fit in."

Then he shoves past Cancer and trots off into the indiscernible brightness that surrounds the room. More throats clear, and with murmured welcomes, the other ponies begin to filter back to wherever it was they were and whatever it was they were doing when I arrived.

"What was that all about?" I ask Libra, who's lingered behind, Aquarius sprawled over her back.

She offers me only a tight smile. "Aries... you'll have to give him some time to adjust. Recent events have been... hard on him."

It's then that I realize that all the others are moving off or standing around in pairs, or a trio in the case of Taurus and Gemini.

Cancer and Sagittarius.

Leo and Virgo.

Libra and Aquarius.

Scorpio and Capricorn.

Leaving Aries left out? That must have something to do with why he was so short with me, considering that all the others are paired off except...

Oh dear. Just what have I gotten myself into?

"You'll find out more, given time," Libra says quickly. It's obvious that she's reading my expression. "But like I said, please give him some time before you try and get to know him."

"Hey, what's with all the long faces?" Sadge says, flitting over and then cracking up at his own bad joke. "C'mon, Pisces, how about I give you the grand tour since introductions are over?"

"How 'bout I give you a hug?" cries Cancer, and leaps up at Sagittarius, who ducks out of the way.

"Hey! Not when I'm wearing my bow!"

"Hugs!" The crab pony seems undeterred by his altitude and clicks her pincers together happily. I suddenly understand why he's concerned about his bow, or more likely the string.

"C'mon, this way!" he says, and moves down the 'hallway' of pillars, with Cancer hopping and clicking behind him.

"G'wan," says Aquarius beside me. "Sadge is good ponies, plus he's one of the oldbies. He'll show ya what's what and stuff. Me, I'm gonna take a nap."

Having said that, she closes her eyes and plonks right down on Libra's withers. She simply rolls her eyes and plants her rump on the floor, her scales levitating in front of her. I'm really not sure how.

"Um," I say as I begin to follow Sadge. "It was nice meeting you all."

"Hm?" Libra looks up from her scales. I cannot fathom why they would hold her attention at the moment. "Oh yes! It was nice meeting you as well! You'll have plenty of time to get to know everypony better, don't worry!"

That actually makes me feel somewhat better about my situation. Yet as I clop across the marble to what actually becomes a hallway after a few feet, I realize that I still have no idea whatsoever what it is that's brought me here.

That's going to change.

Author's Note

I published this probably four years ago, back when the ponyscopes were unveiled as a Thing. (That nothing was done with...) Of course, I had to ship them. Unfortunately, I wrote this first chapter to try and jump on a bandwagon that never happened (the only other ponyscope story I know of is by Aquaman). When I realized there was no way I would ever finish it, I took it down.

But now it's back, in all its never-gonna-be-finished glory! And you can read the notes I left to myself about how the rest of the story would go...

they are kind of like the Bearers of Harmony, ponies chosen for their exemplification of a certain characteristic; becoming a Zodiac Pony gives them a little bit of special ability, like Gemini's bilocation, but otherwise their main task is stewardship of their constellation, helping Luna shape the night sky, and a bit of minor influence over ponies born beneath their sign; they have real names, the zodiac names are more like code names; they're likely the stars that aided Nightmare Moon in escaping, knowing that their mistress' time was nigh; the mantle of the zodiac passes sometimes without warning, and the former bearer becomes a star

so the whole thing about zodiacs fading is actually a lie: they're immortal, but Libra's ability allows her to take their souls, effectively killing them; whether they become stars or not depends on other factors; she is in fact the original Libra, having killed off the original zodiacs when she discovered what her power actually entailed; she's felt lonely ever since, slowly killing zodiacs who come close to finding out what she does or who witness an attack; Aquarius knows that something is going on, but has made a pact with Libra that she won't let on that she knows and won't pry, mostly because she doesn't care about what's happening; she's tired of being immortal, but afraid to die

Scorpio has figured out that Libra 'knows' when a zodiac will fade and is terrified she'll lose Capricorn, being the oldest, and is trying desperately to figure something out to stop it; Libra is pretty much using this misconception to manipulate Scorpio into being her slave; the last Pisces 'faded' because she figured this part out

this all comes from the zodiacs having had nothing to do over the past thousand years, and still having nothing to do despite having helped Luna escape the moon

at the end, Libra kills a number of zodiacs, including Scorpio, and Luna finally accepts responsibility for what she's allowed to happen, having neglected the ponies meant to be her best advisors, and not properly introducing them to their roles; she offers to take Libra's life if she'll give it, which she does (the scene has Libra waiting for Luna to come kill her, then Luna explains)

I never did figure out what the Zodiacs were originally for. :B

A Step Backward

A Step Backward
by Present Perfect

"I'll do it."

Gilda's words broke the silence that had reigned just prior to her speaking. It was a silence that had filled the little room, seeping into the cushions upon which they sat. Even the fireplace had seemed to crackle a little less loudly after Celestia had said, "I knew you'd see it my way."

Her smirk had enraged the griffon, had made her reconsider the request that had been put on the table before her with the china tea set. Yet, as much pain as she would risk in proceeding with Celestia's task, Gilda had had to admit the rewards would be good.

"You got a good point there. I break ties with Dash, then I got nothing holding me to Equestria, or ponies. They'd..." She had stroked a pair of claws along the length of her beak. "Yeah, that would work."

Celestia had given her the gravest of looks, delving deep into the griffon's psyche. She had known what buttons she had pressed as she had said, "Think about how things are between our nations."

Celestia had given Gilda a moment to ponder before she had added, "Think about how your life has progressed. Do you think they'd be happy to see you?"

"I don't get it," Gilda had said. "I mean, if I'm just gonna be able to see them anyway, then why all of this?"

"I am very serious," Celestia had said, steepling her hooves and leaning against the table. "And lest you think I am withholding them from you until completion of this task, the way current negotiations are proceeding, I have every faith that you will be able to see them again, and soon."

Gilda had been taken aback. "You... You're not serious."

"How about seeing your family again?" Celestia's eyes had betrayed the smirk she was withholding.

Growing quickly irritated by the conversation, Gilda had spat, "So what's so freaking important that you'd ask me to throw that away, huh?"

Celestia had nodded. "My point exactly."

"I... yeah." A faint red glow had suffused the feathers on Gilda's cheeks. "Maybe. Once. But she didn't go in for that kinda thing." There had been a sound, perhaps a sigh or a grunt of disgust. It had been hard to tell. "I figured that out after spending enough time with her. Too many influences, y'know. She was always so caught up with the Wonderbolts that she didn't notice folks around her sometimes or something."

"You loved her." Celestia's bold pronouncement had hung in the air as a series of emotional tics had flooded Gilda's face.

"I really don't like the sound of that," Gilda had scoffed. "You know Dash is my only friend, right? Well, only pony friend," she had added with hesitation. "Back in Junior Speedsters, she was the only pony who wanted anything to do with me. I don't care what treaties or junk our countries have, it's not easy being a predator in a land full of prey." She had gestured at her palm with one talon for emphasis. "But she made friends with me, brought me out of my shell and stuff. We were... inseparable."

"Simply meeting her with intent to end your friendship will not be enough," Celestia had warned. "It sounds terrible, but you must damage her in a way that only you could. This must be utterly sincere for it to work."

Gilda had frowned. "So you need me to... what, just go and fling mud in her face? She's kind of an easygoing pony, Princess. She can laugh off a lot."

"Rainbow Dash is the Element of Loyalty," Celestia had explained, "and while she is truly one of the most loyal ponies I have ever met, her loyalty is currently spread thin. Too many influences are pulling at her. She has, in short, too much to be loyal to, and I..." Celestia had closed her eyes for a moment, breathing. "Equestria needs her to be loyal to her friends above all."

"What's this got to do with Dash?" Gilda's fists had betrayed the intensity of her suspicions.

"The Bearers of the Elements of Harmony are all very kind, wonderful ponies," Celestia had said good-naturedly. "I consider one of them a close personal friend. But because I know Twilight, and because I've seen her interactions with her new friends, I understand that, though they are indeed the right ponies to bear the Elements, they are all very..." Celestia had seemed to test the air for the right word. "...Untested. They are unused to hardship and still getting used to being around one another. I fear that, without focus, they will not be able to stand up again, together, when Equestria needs them most."

Gilda had been taken aback. "Why would you even ask me to do something like that?"

"Do you have any idea what this means to Equestria?" Celestia had asked plainly, then added, "To the entire world?"

"Do you have any idea what she means to me?" Gilda had snarled.

Celestia had closed her eyes, breathing in deeply before intoning, "I need you to end your friendship with Rainbow Dash."

"It's done."

Gilda walked into the room, the same cozy quarters and cathedral-like air in which she had first met with the pony Princess two weeks prior. Only this time, she was interrupting a conversation. The creature with whom Celestia had been speaking hissed like a snake, rearing back on legs that looked too filled with holes to support its weight.

Celestia muttered something about her guards, then turned on her most beatific of smiles.

"How do you feel?"

Gilda turned her head away from the Princess. "I don't wanna think about that right now. When can I see them?"

"According to my advisors," Celestia said, "trade is set to begin within the week. You may leave for your homeland at any time, with my blessing and any assistance I can offer."

A scowl creased Gilda's beak. The black and green creature settled back down onto its cushion, giving her a similar look and rattling its insect-like wings.

"I don't want your help," Gilda said, addressing the floor. "In fact, I hope I never see you again."

With that, she lifted her head, thrusting her chest out. Celestia's expression did not change. Turning, Gilda flicked her tail and strode out of the chamber. Her wings seemed to be spread, though they were neatly tucked at her sides. It would, she thought, be good to go home again.

Back in the sitting room, Celestia turned her smile to her guest.

"If you had any doubts about my word..."

"All right, all right." The scowl returned, only less sharp. "I'll do what you ask. But so help me, Celestia, if there is any trick..."

"No tricks," Celestia said, stirring her tea. "I will warn you that I cannot account for all the variables."

"Say no more." The changeling stood and stretched. "I shall spend the intervening time planning. You may leave everything in my hooves."

A flash of green, and a normal unicorn stood across from Celestia. She smirked, then turned and walked through the door after Gilda.

Celestia closed her eyes. "Soon, my little ponies... You'll be ready..."

Author's Note

This is maybe the worst story I've ever written, at least for this site. There's a reason I took it down in shame years ago. It was written for the April 2013 EQG Pre-Reader Secret Santa Prompt Exchange. I don't know whose prompt I got, or even what it was. Also lost to time is why I thought writing a story in reverse chronological order was a good idea. What a shitty present to give someone. D: Ugh. Well, it's back for posterity's sake, I guess.

Tartarus Control

Tartarus Control
by Present Perfect

"The very sight of place does me great ill, Star Swirl," Stygian said, his voice hushed.

Two immense wrought iron gates stood before them, twisted into a mosaic of foul bats and leering devils. In between the gates loomed a colossal black dog, its three heads watching them warily. Around it lay piles of bones, some coated in mold, others quite fresh. Jagged letters carved by bloody femurs into wooden signs warned the unwary to stay away, that the halls of Tartarus held only evil, and that certain doom awaited any pony foolish enough to enter.

Star Swirl the Bearded stroked the long, grey beard from which his title derived.

"I don't remember this being here."

"Oh, Star Swirl!" cried Stygian, hewing close to his erstwhile companion. "I fear if we travel much further into this pit, it shall surely swallow us up!"

The walls of Tartarus seemed alternately to weep, bleed and pulsate with malevolence. Scant natural light made its way into these depths, and what little lit their way was a pale, eerie red. Stalactites and stalagmites in the tunnel ahead of them provided the appearance of walking into a waiting, hungry mouth. The further they traveled into that gaping maw, the hotter it got, and the louder the screams became.

Star Swirl the Bearded, banisher twice over of the dread Pony of Shadows, frowned at a swath of demonic runes etched into the obsidian stone of the tunnel.

"Nope. Definitely would have remembered this one."

"Star Swirl!" gasped Stygian, reaching forth with a shaking hoof as he cowered behind a pillar of brimstone. "Watch out!"

An immense demon with red, smoking skin had grasped Star Swirl in its long, twisted claws, and was lifting him toward the ceiling to have a better look at him. The demon's visage was split by a grimace, the depths of which promised only pain and torment. It cackled in anticipation of a pony-sized snack and whispered in a voice no pony had heard in ages, its very words enough to drive stalwart beings mad in a heartbeat, telling Star Swirl of the horrors that awaited him and the other inmates of Tartarus.

Star Swirl the Bearded, bold Pillar of Equestrian Sorcery, author of over a hundred advanced and esoteric spells, a pony who knew at least as much about the very innermost workings of magic as he did about how to sew a bell on the hem of a robe in just the right way to make it pop, frowned at his would-be captor.

"Oh, this is just silly."

The cages and pits of Tartarus were silent. Their former captives had all been released, many of them with a good tongue-lashing and promises to never again do what they did to deserve this most horrific of fates. From the nuckelavee who had captured and drowned an entire town's population of children to the vile Ergomrax, Lord of Dark Despair, each and every demon who had spent the last eternity caged, tortured, or flayed apart only to be sewn back together again and again, was chastised and made to say sorry, then evicted at the point of a long, spiraling grey horn.

"Well, that should be the last of them," said Star Swirl, prodding Khul'Thuum, Devourer of Souls, in the rump with the aforementioned horn. The frog monster yiped and beat a hasty retreat out the exit. "Whoever came up with the idea of imprisoning monsters underground? Ponies these days, I swear."

"Um," said Stygian, who -- if his newly-whitened mane were any indicator -- had not quite recovered from the sight of Unknowable Vargthax the Unspeakable. "I believe there is one which we have overlooked, Star Swirl."

He pointed a shaky hoof to a dark corner of Tartarus, beyond the bubbling pits of tar and fire. No light shone upon whatever denizen called this oubliette home, yet there was just enough glow from the firelights for them to tell that something did indeed reside there.

Star Swirl grumbled, hitched his robe up, lit his horn, and marched on over to the cage.

"All right, you, name and crimes."

Chains clinked as the creature turned slowly to face them. It was gaunt and covered by a thin cloth. Beady black eyes squinted in the glare of the magical light, and four hooves shuffled away from him. When it spoke, its voice was reedy, almost pitiful.

"I answer to no pony!"

Star Swirl rolled his eyes. "Look, you stupid bastard, I'm letting you out of here. Now say you're sorry for whatever you've done, and we can get on with our lives." He harrumphed. "Honestly. In my time, we'd have just thrown you to the mercy of the sea or banished you to the airless void between Equus and the moon or something."

There was a long silence in which the creature did not speak. It was long enough that Stygian was beginning to forget the eldritch horrors that had passed before his eyes over the last hour.

"You want me to say I'm sorry?" asked the frail creatute.

"Yep," said Star Swirl. "Just apologize for whatever it is you did, and we can be done with this nonsense once and for all."

It cleared its throat and smiled, just a little evilly. "I am... sorry. For what I did."

Star Swirl smiled. "There's a good lad."

With one magical heave, he lifted the cage, crumpled it into a ball, and threw it into the bubbling lava. With a second spell, he broke the shackles and lifted them, chains and all, to join the cage. Then he stepped to the side and gave the last prisoner of Tartarus a telekinetic whack on the rump.

"Out you go, get along now! I'll have no more of this Tartarean balderdash!"

The creature gave but one glance behind himself before breaking into a run, cackling something about freedom at last.

When at last he had gone, Stygian approached Star Swirl, still cringing.

"Do you think perhaps we have loosed great evil upon the world once again?"

Star Swirl shrugged. "Nah." He leaned over and whispered conspiratorially, "Celly tells me she sends recidivists to that Twilight Twinkle pony to be dealt with nowadays. Excellent track record, by her word." He shivered. "Though a bit creepy, if you ask me. If anyone deserved to be chained in a hole in the ground and forgotten, it's that one."

He led the way out of the now completely empty Tartarus, whistling a jaunty tune. Stygian followed him, and together, they walked into a brave new world, where someone thought Lord Tirek getting another episode was a good idea.

The End

Author's Note

Time to stop dwelling in the past, there's a bright, ~~stupid~~ glorious future ahead of us! >:V

Yeah, if you weren't aware, Tirek's supposed to be coming back in season 8. Or at least his VA is. I hope the latter does not necessitate the former, that sounds like a really bad idea. If you couldn't tell that was my opinion of the matter, of course.

Bitter Disappointment

Bitter Disappointment
by Present Perfect

A little known fact about unicorns: When a unicorn mare falls in love with another mare -- even one from the lesser races -- they can make babies together.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not from giving themselves boy parts via magic. Magic does play a role, but not quite that way.

If the unicorn and her special somepony are real, for sure, super-duper, extra-special in schmoopy-doopy twoodly-woodly wuv, the unicorn's magic will harmonize with the love to form a magical lesbian spawn. Then her wife, marefriend, or it-was-just-a-one-night-stand-Pomegranate-Shine-stop-calling-me gets pragnent.

This is the truest expression of love magic known to ponykind. It is a beautiful, pure moment born of the greatest lesbian romance. And of course, none of this applies to stallions, because that would be gay.

With all that in mind, we set our sights upon one Starlight Glimmer, lost and adrift in life thanks to Trixie breaking up with her. Again, I know what you're thinking... or, actually, I probably don't. Look, here's what happened:

Starlight and Trixie were the best of friends, which is weasel code for "lesbian horses". They had had a great thing going, sexing it up in Trixie's wagon out back of the Friendship Castle day and night, lest Twilight, Spike or Trixie's mother (she was always coming around asking for money) find them in flagrante delicto. They were totes in wuv, you guys, is my point.

But because Starlight was a main character, her relationship with Trixie fell victim to the Transitive Property of Main Characterness. In short, Trixie became a main character, too, and everyone liked her more than Starlight. It happened more or less overnight: one day, Starlight was feeling like Best Pony (as if), then suddenly she was the one being carried through episodes by Trixie's magnificence. Really, she should have seen it coming. Let's just say she was blinded by love. Or lust. Something like that.

Trixie, being Trixie, of course let this all go to her head. See, she and Twilight had gotten to talking and had agreed that, what with Trixie's lack of actual episodes for five seasons, Twixie really never did get the chance at canonicity it deserved, and wouldn't you love to go back and remember the old days when that was a thing? So they made it a thing again.

And that left poor, pathetic Starlight "Glimmy-Glams" Glimmer out in the proverbial doghouse. I mean, there are so many rooms in the castle, she could live the rest of her life there without ever seeing another soul. There is at least one pony hobo doing precisely that at this very moment, as a matter of fact.

But Starlight got all saddy-waddy, and her room in the castle was big and empty and drafty, so she took her problems to her friends.

Pinkie Pie was of course super sympathetic, and said she'd be willing throw Starlight a--

No, no, wait, I'm sorry, easy mistake to make there. I meant Starlight's actual friends.

Unfortunately, Sunburst was in the Crystal Empire, Thorax was in the changeling hive being useless, and Discord was Discord, so all she had left was Maud.

And when she took her problem to Maud, Maud said something along the lines of, "At last we can finally consummate the unspoken love we have carried for each other despite the presence of that wretched harridan." But she said it in that creepy, flat voice of hers, plus she used a lot of big words, and Starlight isn't a very smart pony. What I'm saying is, when Starlight left Maud's underground love palace, they were both feeling supremely unsatisfied.

So it was that Starlight aimlessly wandered into Sweet Apple Acres. She might have realized her mistake sooner had Granny Smith threatened her with a shotgun. ("I knows an apple thief when I smells an apple thief!" had been her justification last time.) It was most likely the remembrance of times spent with Trixie "practicing magic tricks" under the trees in the west orchard that had guided Starlight's hooves. As luck would have it, that mopey post-breakup longing would lead her straight to her destiny.

In other words, Starlight wasn't really paying attention to where she was going and bumped right into Applejack, the clumsy bitch.

I'm sorry, that was sexist and needlessly rude. Starlight bumped right into Applejack, the clumsy fuckstain.

"Well, boy howdy nelly in the hornswaggle," said Applejack.

Starlight was dumbstruck, by which I mean she was struck by how dumb that was.

But Starlight was also an emotional wreck, and, being in close proximity to one of Twilight's good friends, the floodgates opened, and she told Applejack everything.

"Gee golly gosh, sugarcube," said Applejack in her simple but beautiful language, "that right there's a real hum-dinger of a sob story. But I got just the thing that'll cheer ya up!"

Starlight sniffed and wiped all the snot from her nose. Her eyes glistened in the fading afternoon sunlight. Her heart went doki-doki as she gazed up at Applejack. The earth pony was so strong and confident as she towered above the small, emotionally fragile mare.

"Applejack-sempai," she breathed, "what could possibly make all this pain and torment go away?"

"Shucks, Starlight, it's just a simple, down-home remedy what Granny Smith cooked up back when Ponyville was a glint in my great-grandpappy's eye."

She gazed off over the apple orchard her family had given so much sweat and toil to nurture into the best a pony could find in all of Equestria. Generations spent tilling soil, watering, planting and bucking trees and picking and processing apples led up to this moment of truth. A tiny smile creased the corner of Applejack's mouth.

"Rebound sex."

"Oh!" said Starlight. "I'm down."

And so they had sweaty, gross horse sex in the barn.

See, Applejack was "hella fucking gay", as the kids put it these days. She got away with it by making everyone think her family's lifestyle was conservative and draconian. I mean, seriously, everyone expects Rainbow Dash to be gay, but not even people who ship her with Applejack think that would be possible in a million years. In reality, Granny was a freak, her brother liked wearing mares' clothing -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- and even her little sister was a budding sexual deviant, but I can't give you any more details than that if I want to post this story on Fimfiction.net, your number one source for all things pony fanfiction!

Rainbow Dash, for the record, swings both ways.

Anyway, getting back to glum Glim-Glam, she and AJ turned out to have a lot more in common than anyone would have thought, themselves included. They talked and sexed a bunch more over the following weeks and discovered they possessed that strongest of bonds, that most indivisible of unions, an ironclad apple core from which the tree of their love could flourish.

They were both worst pony.

No, seriously. I'm being real here. It's just science.

Anyway, eventually they told their friends they were in love (Trixie was not jealous in the least, and she did not force Twilight to talk in a Southern Equestrian accent while in the bedroom), and they found welcoming acceptance in the arms of their collected friends, who were mostly Twilight's. Their relationship bloomed, yadda yadda, hey, do you remember all that stuff from the beginning about unicorn prengancy? Because that's about to get relevant.

You see, Starlight and Applejack really were in love. And it was the truest, bluest, schmoopy-doopy-woopiest love you could throw a brick at. Everypony got tired of them right quick, lemme tell ya, and ponies have a lot of bricks.

And because of all that stuff about magic and beautiful lesbian love, Applejack woke up one morning with a horrible realization.

"Starlight!" she cried, shoveling ice cream or watermelon or something into her mouth like a dirty heathen. I don't write these jokes. "I done got teen pregananant!"

Boy howdy, you better believe there were shotguns aplenty after that. A wedding followed soon after. For the rest of her days, Granny never could look at Starlight without glaring at her.

But with the changing of the seasons came the full flush of womanhood or whatever, and Applejack's pargancy proceeded apace. Soon, it was time to welcome the new foal to the wide, wonderful, lovin' world.

But there was a problem.

You see, Starlight was worst pony. And Applejack was worst pony. Under normal circumstances, the combination of their awfulness would have produced something hideous, but nothing worse than that. Think, I dunno, an extra leg sticking out the side and Moondancer eyebrows.

But Starlight and Applejack's union had been witnessed. By Spike, if you're wondering. And he'd been tipped off about the steamy, nasty horse lovemaking by Discord, of all people. They had watched it together through the barn window and agreed it was totally gross.

And that combination -- of awful ponies in love, witnessed by even worse side characters -- swirled together with magic and love and whatnot to produce a veritable shitstorm of a foal the like of which Equestria had never seen before and, Celestia willing, would never see again.

Seriously, when she saw that little crapsack pony, Celestia immediately made changes to the magical foundation of Equestria so terrible characters could never fall in love again, no matter how hard they were shipped.

What was so terrible about this pony, you ask? Wait, what do you mean you don't care? Well fuck your beans, Sunny Jim, I'm telling you anyway!

Applejack and Starlight named their little crotchbiscuit Winegum, which was the perfect name of awfulness to encapsulate her entire being. From her black coat to her curly wisps of ash-gray mane, her slitted yellow eyes and leathery, bony wings, she was the absolute definition of terror. Her own parents had to drink day and night not to disown her. It nearly drove them apart, only neither of them owned anything of real value -- I mean, come on, Starlight wouldn't want half a farm -- so there was no point in getting divorced. Starlight and Applejack remained bitter and spiteful to the very end.

As for Winegum, she would grow up feeling distant and unloved, a freak among freaks, whom nopony ever wanted to be around. Her mothers were never proud of her. She would come to be known as "the Stral", because her favorite pastime was stealing other ponies' candy.

And that's how batponies are made.

The End

Author's Note

I can't link you to the actual cause, but this is all DeluxeMagnum's fault.

I think I used that title because I was originally going to name the foal something to do with lemons or something. But then I found out what a stral was and everything fell into place. :D Also there might have been a reference to to this in there somewhere. :V

And yeah, in case you were wondering whether I disliked batponies or something, after reading this story and looking at my avatar, well, here's a hint! >:B

Yer Outta Line, Sparkle!

Yer Outta Line, Sparkle!
by Present Perfect

It was nighttime. Again.

The audience had gone home, even the Method Mares, who had made a point of coming onstage to congratulate everypony, especially Princess Celestia, personally. The students from the Friendship School had gone back to their dorms after receiving autographs from the Princess and a promise they could meet the real Star Swirl sometime. Celestia herself had left in the midst of cleanup, with profuse apologies, due to an impending international incident stemming from the disappearance of the sun from over Zebrica and other nations on the far side of the planet for a period of about two hours in the middle of the day for some reason.

In other words, it was just Twilight and her friends doing the final cleanup of all the props, backdrops, and flowers left onstage before they could call it a day. So Starlight rolled up her copy of the play script and called out, "Hey, Twilight!"

"Yes, Starlight?" Twilight said, trotting over to her.

"You remember when I said you weren't a princess princess?"

Twilight gave her a flat look. "Oh, yeah. Har-dee-har, Starlight, big laughs. You're just lucky you're not still a--Hey!"

Starlight whacked Twilight on the head with her script.

"This!" She whacked her again. "Is!" And again. "Exactly!" And again. "What!" Whack. "I was talking!" Whack! "About!"

"Ow!" cried Twilight. "Hey, stop it! That stings!"

Their friends, attracted by the commotion, rushed over. Starlight kept right on hitting Twilight in between lambasting her.

"Bad alicorn! Bad! We do not blithely disregard our friends' advice! Who taught me that? You did!"

At this point, Twilight was on the ground, covering her head. Rainbow and Applejack restrained Starlight's hooves, which did absolutely nothing to help the situation, as Starlight was using her magic. She got a few more good whacks in before Rarity plucked the script from Starlight's magic and gave her a taste of her own medicine.

"You pull horseapples like this all the freaking time!" Starlight shouted, struggling against the two stronger ponies. "What is wrong with you, Twilight?"

Fluttershy came up behind them and hoofed Starlight her paper bag. "Starlight, we talked about this..."

Rainbow and AJ let Starlight go, and she sat down, clutching the bag in her hooves. "It's just so aggravating!" she groaned, putting it up to her muzzle.

"That's right," said Fluttershy, rubbing Starlight's back slowly. "Deep breaths now..."

Applejack cleared her throat as Pinkie helped Twilight to her hooves.

"Speaking as the pony who was most directly wronged in this situation, I have to say, for all that I don't rightly abide Starlight's methods, she's got a point."

She fixed Twilight with a withering stare.

"All things bein' equal, Twilight, the only reason I didn't go stormin' off the set in the middle o' you disregardin' some prime advice--" here, she poked Twilight in the chest-- "advice that I know darn well you know, I should add, is that I know how you get around the Princess."

Taking a deep breath, Applejack sat back on her haunches. She directed her gaze off over the stage, to somewhere over the horizon. Twilight opened her mouth, but Applejack continued.

"Fact is, Twilight, if'n you'd acted this way about any other pony, I'd be reconsiderin' our friendship right now." Her face turned sour. The others grew still and solemn. "I don't much appreciate bein' shoved aside so you can give preferential treatment to somepony else."

She closed her eyes. "I don't want ya to get the wrong idea, this is just ventin'. 'Cause I do understand how much the Princess means to ya. Probably more than she means to any of us." She chuckled. Everyone else relaxed visibly. "She's basically a second mom to ya, am I right?"

She peeked at Twilight, who, with a small, lopsided smile, nodded to her.

"So that's why I ain't gonna hold this against ya." Applejack stood, dusted off her hat, and replaced it. It hadn't been dusty. "But you gotta get yourself together. You been a friendship student, not to mention the friendship princess, too long to keep pullin' malarkey like what you just done today. Forgive me if I done stepped outta line at any point, but I expect better outta you, Twilight."

Twilight quailed as Applejack once again fixed her gaze upon her. "We clear?"

"C-crystal," Twilight croaked.

Applejack drew in a breath through her nostrils. "Now, if'n y'all will excuse me, I think there's a few props I forgot about round back of the stage."

The ponies parted, letting Applejack trot off to where they all knew no forgotten props lay.

Once she was out of sight, all eyes turned back to Twilight, who did her level best not to meet anyone's gaze. Starlight had calmed down. Rainbow and Pinkie looked troubled. Rarity gave a small sigh, smiled sweetly at Twilight, and said,

"I, too, do not agree with Starlight's tactics just now, but she had another point."

She walked over, put her hoof below Twilight's chin, and lifted it so they were eye-to-eye.

"Is anything the matter with you, Twilight?"

"We shouldn't have to beat it out of you if there is," Starlight grumbled.

"I-I'm not sure," Twilight said, eyes falling to the side.

Rarity looked to Rainbow Dash. "You girls know what I'm talking about, right? For instance, that incident on the beach that we all agreed never to speak of again, and which I am only bringing up to suggest that it is part of a trend?"

Rainbow frowned. "Yeah. Like, not even that. What about up and starting an entire freaking school and just, y'know, dropping it on us out of the blue?"

Pinkie snorted and hid a giggle behind her hoof.

"No, I'm serious!" Rainbow held her hooves out. "Are you having some kind of mid-life crisis or something?"

"She's only two years older than you," Fluttershy said, more to herself than anything.

Twilight's ears fell. Spike, who had been silent the whole time, moved over and placed a claw on her shoulder, giving her a worried look.

"There is something wrong," Twilight said quietly. "And I'm sorry for not bringing it up to all of you, but..." She licked her lips. "I don't really know what it is. I can't quantify the problem for myself, so I don't know where to start describing it for any of you."

"Twilight," Pinkie said, "you know we'll always be there for you, no matter what! Right?"

Twilight frowned. "Ever since what happened on the beach, I... Maybe I haven't been so sure of that."

The others gasped.

"I know it sounds bad, but... I guess I've been walking on eggshells around all of you since then." She swallowed. "I know we all made up, I know you forgave me... but I haven't been able to forgive myself. And that's only part of it."

"I would hardly call a spur-of-the-moment decision to build and run an entire school 'walking on eggshells', dear," said Rarity.

"Exactly." Twilight lifted her head. "I..." She clenched her teeth and let out a frustrated breath. "Like I said, I can't describe it. I've been vacillating back and forth between eggshells--" she held out her left hoof, then her right-- "and these flashy, grandiose displays of 'I'm the Princess of Friendship!' 'Look at how much friendship I can do!'"

Spike leaned forward and hugged Twilight's leg as she began to cry.

"Am I still just wallowing in self-doubt about whether I deserve these wings? Am I that fragile? Am I just living in the past?"

"Twilight..."

Rarity led the charge; they all came in for a group hug.

They stayed like that for quite some time.

When the moment had passed, and Twilight's tears were abating, Pinkie spoke up.

"Twilight, I'm willing to bet that not a single one of us can really ever understand what you're going through." She gave Twilight a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "You're the lucky one of us who gets to be a princess all by herself."

She rubbed Twilight's shoulders. "But I know what it's like to be stressed out. We all do." She snorted suddenly. "I see that look, Rainbow Dash!"

Dash floated in midair, hooves outstretched in incredulity. "Pinkie, I've seen you legitimately stressed out all of once in my entire life!"

"I know, right?" Pinkie regained her usual cheerful smile. "And that's because I'm really good at hiding it! I don't like bringing other ponies down, just like you, Twilight. But there's only so much stress a pony can hold inside their personal stress balloon before that balloon pops and you're acting out all over the place." She gave a rueful chuckle. "Acting out is something else I understand. A looooooot."

"Maybe we should all get together now and then to act out," Fluttershy said. "I-I mean, even I get stressed out every once in a while, and a way to release that might be nice. And even if we don't understand your specific problems, Twilight, we'll all be happy to be there for you while you work through them."

The others nodded and "mm-hmm"d. Twilight smiled at long last.

"Life is really complicated, isn't it?"

No one had anything to say to that.

After a while, Twilight asked, "Do I really have a blind spot when it comes to Princess Celestia?"

"Need you even ask?" said Rarity immediately, just shy of scandalized. "Why, any time a pony even mentions her in the same room as you, you get all..." She waved a hoof. "Goofy!"

"What?" Twilight grinned at her. "I do not get 'goofy'!"

"You totally do," said Rainbow, smirking.

"Goofier than Pinkie Pie," added Starlight.

"Literally for as long as I've known you," deadpanned Spike.

Pinkie snickered. "It's almost like you've got a crush on her or something!"

Twilight started coughing as the others laughed. "WHAT? That... That's impossible!" She began playing with a strand of her hair. "She is like my mom! Ohh, eww, that would be... Pinkie, that is gross!"

"I'm keeping that one for later," Starlight said, mischief flashing in her eyes.

"And with that lovely thought out of the way," Rarity said, stretching, "I believe I shall go see how Applejack is doing. Everything here is well and truly wrapped up, is it not?"

Rainbow yawned. "Yeah. Geez, what time is it?"

"Well," said Pinkie, "the sun was up just a few hours ago, so I guess it's early evening now! Or maybe mid-morning?"

They all had to share a laugh at that.

They all moved off, saying goodbyes and vowing to sleep for days. Twilight stayed behind, just staring up at the theater.

"Hey Twilight?" Spike asked, standing beside her.

"Yeah, Spike?"

"Would all the trouble be worth it to you if I told you I learned something today?"

Twilight cast a sidelong glance at her longtime friend. "It might just. What did you learn?"

"I learned that if you tell bad jokes in front of a live audience, they'll throw tons of free food at you!"

"Oh, you!" Twilight buffeted him lightly with her wing, laughing.

Spike pointed both index fingers at her. "Got you to laugh! It was worth it!"

"It sure was, Spike." With a satisfied smile, she lifted Spike onto her back and made her way toward the school.

"Let's go make sure the students are actually sleeping before we call it a night."

"Twenty-four hours' notice before any further such occurrences seems like a mild concession, all things considered."

Princess Luna smiled at her sister as they watched the final ambassador trot from the throne room.

"Yes, indeed," said Celestia, a hint of sadness written across her brow.

"How did you enjoy your directorial debut, sister?"

Celestia snorted. "I think I am most definitely not cut out for the theater. Not at this stage in my life, anyway." She stretched her wings and yawned. "Nor at this time of night. And I apologize, Luna, for raising the sun over--"

"Think nothing of it, sister." Luna gave her a small, secretive smile. "You've been chastised enough, I should think. I am most glad I brushed up on Modern Zebra in the past year. Some of those invectives against our parents were most colorful."

Celestia tried and failed to suppress a giggle. "I'm just glad you took them well. I kept suffering visions of you in full barding, swearing blood oaths against the leaders of Zebrica..."

"Oh, Celestia!" Luna laughed. "I am only so tightly wound, as they say, when my own honor is at stake. I will gladly endure the besmirching of thine."

The two sisters embraced, and Celestia yawned again.

"I believe it is time for me to retire, sister. I'll see you in the morning. I love you."

"I love you, too, Celestia."

The two embraced, and Celestia held it for just a beat longer than really necessary.

"Do you ever miss our old friends, Luna?" she whispered.

Luna gave a half snort, which she followed up with an apologetic look. "They were always more your friends than mine, sister. But... I suppose they are not as long departed for me as for you, are they?"

Celestia gazed over at a certain stained glass window. Luna joined her. They stayed like that until Celestia yawned again.

"I suppose I really must be getting to bed, then," she said.

"Aye," said Luna, moving to the throne, "prancing will tire the spirit of one unused to it."

"What?" Celestia gave her sister a flat look. Luna raised an eyebrow.

"I heard from Princess Twilight that, when she suggested you join the play, you, and I quote here, 'pranced about like a little filly in springtime'."

Leaning on the arm of her throne, Luna put both hooves beneath her chin and grinned like a Cheshire cat. Her eyes twinkled like the stars in her mane. "Do tell, sister mine."

Unable to keep both the blush from her cheeks or the smile from her lips, Celestia turned her nose up and made for the door. "I did no such thing!"

"Thou didst!" Luna cackled. "Thou didst cavort like a fawn in the morning dew, 'tis true! Oh, to be a fly upon that wall!"

"I am far too old for prancing," Celestia said, poorly affecting insult. "It does not agree with, er, my hips! Yes, for I am but an old mare, not nearly so spry as I once was! No prancing here!"

She feigned collapsing, which was enough to startle guards vaunted for their unflappability in the face of princessly shenanigans.

"Hie thee to thy bedchambers, granddam!" Luna cried, tears of laughter streaming down her face. "I shall send thee a sop of warm milk for thy chilblains!"

Snorting, Celestia made a very rude gesture at her sister with her hindquarters -- which only caused Luna further laughter -- and sauntered from the throne room.

When Luna's laughter had died down, the Night Court crier finally took her shaky steps to her position at the door. The Princess of the Night reclined on her throne, looking once more the regal monarch her petitioners expected.

"That'll show her for a year of calling me Woona," she remarked.

Author's Note

That's what you call "talking out loud in fanfic form". :B For all that I've never been a fan of Applejack or Starlight, they sure do make good author mouthpieces! :V

Thanks to all the folks who suffered through this to give me feedback!

Starlight Fixes Dragonshy (Alternate version)

Starlight Fixes Everything
Episode 7, Dragonshy
Alternate version
by Present Perfect

Fluttershy swallowed.

"Um, excuse me, Twilight?" she said, in her most forward voice. "I know you're busy, but..."

"Uh-huh." Twilight, nose stuck in the map, didn't seem to have heard her for some reason. "Well, we could go this way..."

Licking her lips, Fluttershy redoubled her paltry efforts. "But if I could just have a second..."

"Uh-huh." Twilight jabbed a corner of the map. "No, we want to avoid that!"

Sensing her opportunity, Fluttershy pounced like a wild, cuddly beast. "So, um, I was thinking that, um, maybe I should just stay--"

BAMF

Fluttershy just about jumped out of her skin as a pink unicorn with teal-striped purple mane appeared out of nowhere right beside her. She yelped as she was lifted into the air by turquoise magic.

"'Scuse me, Twilight," the mare said, having no more luck in drawing Twilight's attention than Fluttershy. "Need to borrow this a sec!"

BAMF

"Uh-huh," said Twilight.

"P-please, Miss," Fluttershy said, voice trembling as she was hauled through the air by the strange unicorn. "I d-don't mean to be a bother, but I would be ever so appreciative if you would put me--"

"We're here," the mare said, dumping Fluttershy unceremoniously on the ground.

That was when Fluttershy realized where here was: right in front of a deep, dark cave at the top of a tall, gusty mountain. She didn't have time to get in a proper freak out, however; the other mare stepped between her and the cave, lifting her chin with a hoof.

"So, hi there," she said, smiling brightly. "My name's Starlight Glimmer. This is technically the first time we've met, but in the future, I'm your friend."

Starlight took a few steps back, toward the cave.

Fluttershy was too petrified to speak.

"And if there's one thing I know about you," Starlight continued, "it's that you might be a scaredy-pony on the outside, but you'll always come through in a big way when your friends are in danger."

She took a few more steps closer to the cave.

"So I'm just going to head in there--" she tilted her horn toward the cave mouth-- "and wait for you to come in after me and tell that dragon off. Then the smoke will clear up and we can all go home! Sound good? Great! Don't keep me waiting, I'll only be in mortal danger, ha ha!"

With that, Starlight trotted into the cave as though she were headed to a party.

Fluttershy could only stare after her.

The mountaintop grew silent, save for the winds that whistled around the peak.

Fluttershy continued to stare into the cave's obsidian maw.

There came a sound like somepony giving a high-pitched, nervous laugh.

Fluttershy heaved herself to her hooves at long last.

The ear-shattering roar shook the dust and rocks outside the cave.

Fluttershy backed away down the twisting path that led up the mountainside.

Then there was a sound not unlike what you get when someone falls down and breaks a lot of bones all at once. Yeah. Someone definitely fell down and broke some bones in there, Fluttershy.

...Fluttershy?

Oh dear. It would seem she's left us.

I suppose the same can be said for poor Starlight.

Guess she didn't think this one through too well.

GAME OVER

Author's Note

This was the setup for my original idea for Starlight Fixes Dragonshy, but when I wrote up the actual version, I kept this aside for a bad end take. It amuses me so. :D

And They Do Fusion Dances

And They Do Fusion Dances
by Present Perfect

Applejack raised her eyebrow in challenge. "Okay, Rainbow, let's you 'n me do this."

Rainbow was taken aback. "What? Why us?"

The amount of effort Applejack was using to keep from rolling her eyes was palpable.

"Because, ain't no way you nor I are gonna let anypony else get away with doin' it with us." She tipped her hat up and gave Dash a sly grin. "C'mon, you know you wanna try it."

"Well, when you put it that way..." Rainbow snorted. "Yeah, fine. Let's do it, AJ."

Twilight took down some notes. Pinkie, carefree, bounced in the back. Rarity looked as though she were about to say something but thought better of it. Fluttershy watched, impassive. Apple Bloom and her friends were quite the opposite, all but letting off sparks in their excitement.

Dash and AJ lined up alongside one another on opposite sides of the meadow. They stood on their hind legs, front legs stuck out to their sides.

Scooting closer and lifting their legs above them, they shouted, "Fu!"

They pointed their hooves at one another, leaning in so they just touched. "Sion!"

They pointed away from each other, then back, and touched the tops of their heads. "HA!"

There was a flash of light bright enough that everypony present had to shield their eyes. When it cleared, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were gone. Those gathered gasped in astonishment.

In their place was a pegasus mare, a good head taller than Big Macintosh and built equally solid. Her coat was a sleek, dusty blue-grey, her mane and tail a rainbow of color with a thick blond riot down the middle. On her flank was a trio of rainbow-striped apples.

She spread her wings, each as long as her own body, and looked from one to the other. Then she started laughing.

"Whoo, hoo-hoo, ho ho ha ha ha!" It was a deep, full belly laugh, the voice rich and energetic.

The mare kicked off the ground, and the other ponies could swear they felt the earth shake. They watched her soar into the sky, higher than the tallest peak in Canterlot before she had to flap once. A sparkling rainbow contrail tracing her wake. She flew loops and spirals, crossing back and forth over the meadow. Pinkie Pie and the Crusaders hooted and cheered at the display of aerobatics.

When the mare landed, the ground actually did shake. She was winded, but it was from excitement, not exertion.

"Whoops! Guess I don't know my own strength!" Her voice held the scratchy backdrop of Rainbow Dash's, but the timbre and cadence were all Applejack. "I've never felt so alive in my whole life! You all have to try this!"

"Rainbow Dash, Applejack," said Fluttershy, breathless, "you're amazing!"

The fused mare snorted. "I'm not either of those, sugarcube. I'm Zap Apple!" She gave Fluttershy a good-natured wink. "Honestly, I thought it'd be pretty obvious."

Rarity scoffed. "What's obvious is that the two of you are no less barbaric together than you are apart." She offered her hoof to Fluttershy. "Fluttershy, dear, if you would be willing to join me, I would like to show this newly formed ruffian how fusion is done!"

"O-oh!" Fluttershy's cheeks colored, and she shrank back just a little. "Me? Really?"

"Yes, darling." Softening, Rarity gave her a patient smile. "I cannot think of a better pony to try this with."

"Okay." Fluttershy swallowed and took Rarity's hoof. "If you're sure..."

"Sure I'm sure."

Rarity bowed to Fluttershy, who bowed in return. Together, they began to dance to some tune, no doubt classical, in Rarity's mind. First in, then out, then around one another, until all present felt they, too, could hear the music.

The dance ended with Fluttershy twirling into Rarity's arms. As the pair touched, they melded together, colors interweaving. Again, the light grew so bright that the others had to shield their eyes.

When they looked again, every jaw dropped, even Zap Apple's.

Standing before them was an alicorn as tall as Celestia, yet more graceful, even standing still. There was more beauty in her right forehoof than in all the fashion world combined. Her mane was long and luxurious, a soft, pearlescent magenta. Her coat was the pale yellow of new daffodils in spring. Her cutie was three delicate crystal butterflies.

Songbirds flocked around her, singing her praises. Ribbons of finest silk swept over her, unbidden, as though to shield her perfection from the eyes of mortals, lest they be struck dead in an instant.

"That is how one fuses properly," she said, her voice delicate, melodious, soft and confident. She gazed upon the others with deep aquamarine eyes under long, dark lashes. "Call me Chastity."

"That was amazing," Twilight choked.

As Chastity settled down on the ground to bask in the adulation of the various woodland creatures surrounding her and Zap Apple made a mighty effort to pick her jaw up off the ground, Pinkie Pie bounced around Twilight.

"Do me next!" she shouted. "You and me, you and me!"

"Nooo, no, Pinkie," said Twilight quickly. "As much as I'm impressed by these demonstrations, all my research tells me an alicorn shouldn't be involved in pony fusion. The energies released alone could be catastrophic, not to mention the amount of power the fusion could wield!"

"Awww!" Pinkie pouted. "But I wanna fuse, too, and you're the only one left!"

"What if'n we stepped it up a notch?" asked Zap Apple, drawing Twilight's attention. The large pegasus gave a meaningful look to Chastity, who ignored her with far more dignity than should have been possible for one pony to muster.

"Ohhh, no no no no no no." Twilight shook her head, stepping in between the two fused ponies. "What did I just say about alicorns? Rarity and Fluttershy's fusion--"

"Chastity, dear."

"Er, Chastity, might not be a true alicorn, but she's close enough to be concerning." Twilight lifted her papers into the air, shaking them at the pegasus. "We haven't even begun to document your new abilities yet!"

There was the sound of giggling and a bright flash of light.

"Gahh!" yelled Twilight and Zap.

Across the clearing stood an earth pony mare, her coat bright orange. Her mane, hot pink with maroon stripes, poofed out over the crest of her head in a springy mohawk. Her cutie mark was a balloon-shaped shield with a rainbow background and three apple-shaped balloons in bronze.

"It worked!" she cried, jumping up and down. Her voice was youthful, like a filly on the cusp of marehood, with an earthy accent like Zap Apple's. "This is the coolest thing I have literally ever done in my life!"

"No!" shouted Zap. "That's my little sister! That... Twilight, change her back!"

"No way!" cried the new mare, popping up between them. "Y'all can't keep Apple Pie down like that! This is too great! And so is this! And that! And that and that and that..."

She popped up around the meadow, now behind a tree, now in the middle of the air, now in Chastity's mane. Each time she moved, she shrank to a point of light, blipping out of existence in a heartbeat before reappearing somewhere else. The alicorn let out a pleasant sigh.

Zap Apple pulled at her face. "This is just weird!"

"Oh, let her have her fun," said Chastity to the rare dragonfly resting on her outstretched hoof. Twilight was pretty sure that species had been extinct a few minutes ago.

Apple Pie gasped. "Oh my gosh! I have to throw a party! A fusion party! A fusion party that will help everypony learn how to fuse! It's gonna be epic!"

"Can you help us?" asked Scootaloo, running up to her alongside Sweetie Belle.

Apple Pie gave them the biggest grin a pony had ever grinned in the history of grins. "Can I?"

"No no no," said Twilight, trying desperately to interpose herself. "That's enough fusing for one day! It's time for us to--"

But Apple Pie had already appeared in between Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, pulling them together and whispering in their ears. The fillies' grins grew wider by the moment. When at last they were done, the pair cheered, then spun round each other, chanting something like, "Yadadadadada!"

"Why do I even bother?" Twilight groaned, grinding her teeth.

Chastity waved a hoof at Twilight, and the motion alone calmed her nerves. "Be at ease, darling," she said magnanimously.

And Twilight was at ease.

Which was good, because the sight of the second alicorn to appear in a flash of light that day likely would have driven her over the edge.

The new mare was only about as tall as Twilight herself and full of the awkward gangliness of adolescence. Her coat was like peach fuzz, her wings and horn unimpressive but strong and functional. Her mane and tail were tangled rat's nests of curly purples, and her cutie mark was a double shield cast in silver, emblazoned with a pair of sixteenth notes made out of lightning bolts.

"This is so awesome!" she yelled, rolling around on the grass and laughing. Her voice broke and scratched like a warped record.

Apple Pie swept her up in a tight bear hug. "More like you're awesome! This is the best day ever! What's your name?"

"Swingset!" shouted the mare, the words tumbling out at a mile a minute. "Wait, no, no, it's Scootie Belle! Wait, no, that's dumb."

She stuck her tongue out the side of her mouth. "Um, um, wait, wait, wait!" She raised her left hoof, as though signaling a teacher to call on her. "I know! I'm Singalong!"

"Singalong!" cried Apple Pie. "Let's go play! Tag, you're it!"

The two took off running, peals of laughter following in their wake.

"Wait, come back!" Twilight cried, hoof outstretched in futility.

"Don't worry, Twilight," said Zap Apple, snorting and lifting off the ground with a single beat of her wings. The downdraft blew some of Chastity's animals off their paws. "I'll keep an eye on 'em. And maybe kick a few keisters while I'm at it..." And she took off after the other fusions with a roar of thunder.

Twilight gazed down, sorrowful, at her notes. She hadn't written anything down in the last five minutes. She wasn't even sure she could collect her thoughts well enough to.

"Why is everypony I know completely crazy?" she shouted.

Chastity smiled placidly.

"They will learn."

Author's Note

Somewhere in the middle of watching Steven Universe, I had the desire to apply the idea of gem fusion to ponies, but I could never figure out a story to put it in. So, after having something of a waking dream this morning, I made this. Consider it a proof of concept, with zero plot. :B

Two-Point-Five Essential Vitamins and/or Minerals

Two-Point-Five Essential Vitamins and/or Minerals
by Present Perfect

Pizzelle's heart hammered in her chest. She had thought the abandoned factory would be a perfect hiding place, but the faint stomping of metallic hooves was growing ever closer. She held her little brother tightly to her chest; he fidgeted, trying desperately to hold back his sobs.

"I want mommy," he whined.

She shushed him. "Be strong, Pancake," she whispered. "Just a little longer. He can't find us here."

The lie stung her lips like acid as it left them. He was going to find them, and when he did, they were finished.

She wasn't particularly strong, even for an earth pony. She certainly wasn't brave. Would a brave pony be cowering in the dark, hoping a pile of fallen machinery would provide enough cover that the madpony chasing them down would get frustrated and give up? With each thunk of the thing outside drawing ever nearer, the last vestiges of hope died in her heart.

She had just gotten her cutie mark for baking her grandma's special cookies all by herself. Her brother didn't even have his yet. She was just barely old enough to understand the concept of death. They were too young to die!

The two little ponies whimpered in the darkness, huddled together, awaiting their dire fate.

It was an eternity of waiting before Pancake spoke up.

"Pitsie, listen!"

She shushed him again, out of reflex. Then she listened.

There was no sound.

"Is he gone?" asked Pancake. The hope in his voice rekindled that nearly extinguished flame in her chest.

"I think he might be..." She dared to smile at her brother.

He'd left! They were saved! They'd gotten lucky and--

"Surprise!"

The foals screamed as the ceiling caved in overhead, showering them with debris. Pizzelle shielded her brother with her body: a pitiful defense, but all she could offer against their adversary.

Said adversary lowered into what moments ago been meager shelter on rockets that slowed its descent. The giant metal pony, as big as the factory shell itself, landed with an earth-shaking thud that rattled their teeth in their skulls. The top of the pony's skull opened in two halves, and an earth pony with dark goggles and a long, black moustache popped his head out.

"Muwa-hah-haaaah!" he laughed, stroking his moustache. "My robo-spies were right when they said they saw two little ponies come here! And now I, Doctor Robonoid, am triumphant!" The way he spoke his name suggested just what level of importance he gave himself. "Two more ponies to be droidified into my robot army!"

Pancake wailed, unheard over the thunder and lightning that crashed outside as the mad doctor laughed. Tears streamed down Pizzelle's face. They had been so close! Now they would suffer the same fate as their parents, and there was nopony to save them.

"Well," said Doctor Robonoid, leering down at them from his pilot's seat, "do you have any last words before my army closes in for the capture?"

Pizzelle's throat was dry. There was nothing she could do to save herself. So she did the only thing she could think to do.

"Help!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. "Somepony help! Save us!"

Pancake took up the cry. "Save us, anypony! Help!"

"Nyeh-heh-heh," chortled Doctor Robonoid, climbing back into his chair. "Robo-Droids! Move--"

There was a loud crunch and a terrifying screech. Doctor Robonoid flew out of his cockpit and skidded across the ground as a large purple rocket of some kind impacted the side of his Super Robotic Carrier Drone. He came to a tumbling stop on his back, his eyes rolling in their sockets.

"Who dares?" he asked, voice slurring.

Pizzelle and Pancake stared, hardly believing their eyes.

Standing atop the fallen form of the giant robot pony was a purple unicorn mare. Her horn was broken, and she was dressed like a clown, including white face paint, poofy rainbow wig, giant red shoes and a red ball on the end of her nose.

Well, "standing" wasn't exactly the right word. She was, in fact, jumping up and down on top of the robot. With every landing crunch, it compacted more and more into a flattened heap of useless scrap parts.

"I have no idea what's going on," Pizzelle whispered. "Also, I'm scared of clowns."

"Kick his butt, clown lady!" shouted Pancake.

"Ugh," groaned Doctor Robonoid, righting himself and holding a hoof to his head. "Robot Army, stop that catastrophic clown this instant!"

A horde of droidified ponies rushed into the factory from all sides. All they got for their troubles was a purple hoof to the face. The clown mare was everywhere at once, kicking, punching, sometimes even biting. She was very careful not to hit anything vital, aiming for control antennae and the other fully robot parts that kept the droids in sway to the Doctor's will. One by one, the droids fell, some out cold and others regaining some semblance of their former pony selves.

That day, a hundred robots wept.

When she was done, the lone unicorn stood over Doctor Robonoid, sweat drawing purple lines through her clown makeup. He scooted away from her on his bum, terror writ large across his moustache.

"P-please," he said, voice trembling, "have mercy on me. I can un-droidify them, I promise! I-I'll do anything, just don't kill me!"

The mare raised an eyebrow. "Anything?" she asked in a voice like cold iron.

"Anything!" the Doctor whimpered, giving her a simpering smile.

She leaned her head down, until he could taste the blood on her breath. She hadn't even drawn blood in that fight, she just basically always smelled like it. Doctor Robonoid trembled so hard, his goggles came loose and fell from his brow.

In a harsh hiss, she said, "Then perish."

The Doctor turned to run, but she nabbed him by the nape of his oversized overcoat. He screamed bloody murder, but, dog-like, she whipped her head from side to side, the Doctor tossed about in her jaws like a rag doll.

Then he exploded into two bowls of cereal.

"There you go, kids," she called as she trotted out of the factory. Around her, formerly droidified ponies slowly regained their senses. "Happy breakfast."

Pizelle and Pancake looked at each other.

"Dude, I have no idea what just happened."

It didn't matter who said it.

A chorus of happy voices sang, "We all know the mare to thank!"

In front of a glass of milk, half an orange, and another bowl of cereal stood a cereal box with a picture of yet another bowl, cereal and milk being poured into it. The clown mare leapt into box, posing with her hoof outstretched beneath the words printed across the top of the box and a frown that could have curdled that milk. She squeezed her red nose twice. It honked.

"Eat it, or I'll bust your flank," she groused.

The chorus responded with a bright and cheerful, "Frosted Fizzle Pops! Aggressively delicious!"

And the narrator proclaimed it, "Part of this balanced breakfast."

The End

Author's Note

I guess I really like it when Tempest saves kids with violence.

Be All That Yona Can Be

Be All That Yona Can Be
by Present Perfect

Sandbar wiped the lingering effects of the shrooms from his eyes and gazed at Yona in the way only a horny teenager can gaze at another teenager.

"Yona," he said in his stupid, bland way, "it doesn't really matter if you're a great pony or a horrible pony. You're the best Yona I know. That's why I asked you to the dance."

"Really?" asked Yona. In her defense, it wasn't so much that she was dumb as Sandbar was really not good at explaining. Like, anything.

"I never wanted you to be anything other than what you are," he said with a light chuckle. "My friend, Yona, the yak. So, what do you say?"

Yona stared at Sandbar. He stared back into her big, goofy eyes. Something stirred within him. It was early-onset bladder cancer. His family tragically would not find out until it was too late.

"No," said Yona resolutely, and Sandbar's libido would have taken a hit if he hadn't been taking hits before the dance began. "Yona have better idea."

"What?" Sandbar was just totally not following, like, anything. "What could be better than being yourself?"

Yona turned and gazed off the railing of the Harmony Treehouse Playset, only $49.99 at Target, out into the blank stone cave walls and not something actually inspiring, like a starry night sky. Despite this, her tiny yak mind gripped on to something in those featureless rocks. She clenched one weird yak hoof(?) before her face, and spoke in a low voice dripping with ferventness.

"Once in yak's life, there is great choice yak must make. If yak make wrong choice, yak become something yak is not. If yak make right choice, yak can be yak. And be yak is fine, but right choice not best choice, and best choice only choice for yak."

It's worth mentioning that Sandbar had completely zoned out by this point and was close to choking to death on his own saliva.

Yona turned, steel glinting in her eyes. "Yona make best choice for friend Sandbar!"

Sandbar was almost moved to respond.

High above the city, dark clouds sparked forks of lightning across the sky. The winds and rain drove good ponies off the streets.

But for bad ponies, it was a perfect night for doing crime.

One such bad pony, Stinky Staples, was up to no good. He checked up the street and down it, pulling his collar up so the driving rains wouldn't accidentally clean his filthy, filthy coat. Then, seeing the coast was clear, he crossed the road.

And in the middle of the road, he dropped a crumpled up newspaper!

He was cackling by the time he was on the other side of the street. Jaywalking and littering? He was a true pony criminal mastermind! Soon, he would rule this town, and the good ponies who lived here would bow to him!

He had just turned from evil cackling to self-assured chortling when something grabbed his collar. He looked up, only to see a dark shadow illuminated by a sudden flash of lightning.

Two weird beady eyes, framed by a pair of threatening horns, stared down at him from apparently in midair.

Stinky screamed.

His scream was cut short as the figure yanked him into the air. Together, they took a high-speed ride up the side of the building, Stinky powerless to stop his ascent. When he reached the edge of the building, ten stories up, he was flung over the side onto the gravel rooftop.

He scrambled to his hooves, searching every dark corner for his assailant. But whoever it was seemed to have vanished.

Turning around, he came face-to-face with them.

"Boo!" said the figure.

Screaming again, he turned to run for the other side of the roof, but he was too slow. In the time it had taken him to about-face, two strong limbs wrapped around his neck and pulled him up. A moment later, he found himself dangling by his coat collar over the side of the building, hooves kicking feebly at nothing.

The figure holding him there smirked.

All the blood drained from Stinky's face. In a panicked whisper, he mewled, "Who are you?"

The figure yanked him forward, until their noses touched. And in a deep, husky voice, it said, "Yona is Batman."

Then the figure blinked, face-hooved, and screamed, "Yona always forget secret identity!"

The End

Author's Note

Like the saying goes, be yourself, unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman.

Pump It Up

Pump It Up
by Present Perfect

"Thirty-two... Nnngh... Thirty... three..."

Vinyl had pushed past her limit, all right. Sweat poured down her ivory skin, her arms shaking as she brought the iron crossbar down toward her chest. She wanted to make it to thirty-five. Thirty-five was a nice, round number, way cooler than thirty-three. But she was starting to get the feeling that, wherever this barbel set down, there would it lie forever.

Honestly, there was nothing to be ashamed of. She'd definitely overdone today's weight increase, with close to fifty pounds on either side of the bar. Plus, she was working out with no spotter in her cramped tenth-floor studio apartment because she was a big dummy, as so many people had told her so many times. But she'd cleared thirty reps with way more weight than she'd ever pumped before. She was doing awesome! If only that big, dumb jock could see her now.

She flexed her fatigued biceps, halting the bar's downward movement and trying to coax it back up on the stirrups. That's when her apartment shattered.

Well, it was just the plate-glass window looking out over Canterlot City below. But when that window took up a whole wall by itself and the glass sprayed into the entire room, it sort of seemed like everything was exploding.

Vinyl let loose a cry of surprise, first at the sudden interruption, and then because the stack of weights on the right side of the bar slid off and hit the floor with a loud crash. All she could do was let go of the bar, letting it crash off to her left.

At least the glass was hovering in the air above her. That was nice. She wasn't going to suffer a million lacerations this time.

"Octavia!" she screeched, not even looking for the cause.

"I'm sorry, Vinyl! I stopped the glass this time, look!"

Flapping her arms to try and soothe her aching muscles, Vinyl sat up from her weight bench, the glass shards pinging harmlessly off her head and floating out across the room. She turned, wobbling with head rush, to see a grey-skinned girl sitting on a broomstick that drifted a foot above the floor. She wore a high-peaked black hat and a matching frilly dress made up of too many petticoats to count. In her hand was a small wooden stick, the tip of which glowed with a soft white light, and her face was a mask of shock and dismay.

"For fuck's sake, Octy," cried Vinyl as the glow subsided and the glass pieces fell to the floor, "my landlord's gonna kill me!"

"I didn't mean to do it," said Octavia, dismounting her broom and using her wand to summon the glass into a pile at her feet. "This... this stupid broom just has a mind of its own sometimes!"

She kicked at the offending broom, which hovered backward out of reach of her high-heeled boot.

This was at least the third time in as many months Octavia had crashed her broom through something in Vinyl's vicinity. The first time had also been here in her apartment, and Mr. Stripes had given her a stern talking-to about the cost of window replacement in high-rise apartment buildings. Nevermind Vinyl had covered for Octavia without question -- the existence of witch magic wasn't something you let on to normal people -- it kept happening. What was wrong with her?

"I-I'm sorry, Vinyl," Octavia said, her words catching in her throat. "Give me a moment, I... I think I know a spell that can repair the window..."

As Vinyl watched her friend, Octavia's wand hand shaking and her eyes brimming with tears, all the anger and frustration at the mishap drained out of her body, leaving her numb.

Because Octavia was her friend. Her best friend. They'd been through so much together. Sure, this dumb witch school thing seemed to be causing them both no end of grief, but Octavia was trying.

The ache in Vinyl's arms reminded her that she was trying, too. And sometimes, you tried a little too hard and you overdid things just a bit.

"It's okay, Octavia," she said jovially, as she stepped over the strange whirling spirals of shards and threw her left arm around Octavia's neck. "I needed a break anyway."

She held up her right arm, curling it inward at the elbow and wrist. Aside from some tone under the skin, nothing changed.

"You're gettin' better at witchcraft," she said, "and I'm gettin' swole."

Octavia giggled and wiped at her eyes, patting Vinyl's lackluster bicep.

"You certainly are. I suppose we're both doing our best, aren't we?"

Vinyl smiled. That was all they needed to do.

Author's Note

Literally just dreamed this scene up this morning and wanted to write it down. It's funny, the things I can dream up sometimes. :)

Shrug of God

Shrug of God
by Present Perfect

It had been the worst coronation ever, but Twilight wouldn't have had it any other way.

To say her life had been incredibly charmed would have been an understatement. A simple unicorn from Canterlot becoming Princess Celestia's personal protege, saving the world numerous times over, becoming an alicorn and finally the Princess of Equestria herself? Charmed didn't begin to cover it.

But every step of the way, she and her friends had taken chances, made mistakes and above all gotten messy. None of the amazing achievements she'd made in her life had come easily, or without embarrassment. Her coronation was no different, and that made it perfect.

The day after, she woke in Canterlot Castle, raised the sun with her amulet, and experienced her first brush with being real royalty.

All the way to breakfast, palace staff stopped to bow respectfully to her. She even recognized a few of the older ponies from her time living here as Celestia's personal student. These, she greeted by name; recognizing the rest would come in time. She would have a lot of time ahead of her as princess, after all.

She made her way to the palace dining room, where Celestia was already waiting. Trying very hard not to breathe a sigh of relief, Twilight took her place at the head of the table. Which, if she were being honest with herself, felt extremely wrong. But she'd get used to it. For now, she was doing what was expected of her. She had earned this.

"Your first full day as ruler of Equestria promises to be a long one, Your Highness," said Celestia with one of her enigmatic yet motherly smiles.

Twilight cut into the stack of pancakes that waited for her and tried not to look too nervous. "So long as I have you and Luna by my side to help me adjust for the first few days, I'm up to the task." She took a bite; honey-soaked pineapple all but dripped down her chin. Celestia must have made these herself.

"Speaking of whom," she said after swallowing, "where is your sister?"

Celestia gave a little chuckle. "We didn't iron out all the details for things like that."

Twilight took another bite of pancakes, chewed, swallowed, and realized she had no idea what that meant. "Come again?"

"We deliberately left it vague," said Celestia, her chiding, mentoring voice kicking in, "for you guys to have fun with."

"You guys?" Twilight gave her a concerned look, then glanced around the dining room. No one else was there. "Who are you talking to?"

Celestia was given no chance to answer, as Luna walked in at that moment. Her gait was slow, but she otherwise seemed to be in good spirits.

"Good morning, Your Highness," she said, her words clipped but cheerful. "Good morning, sister. I trust you are both ready to begin the day's duties?"

"Good morning, Luna," said Celestia, smiling. "We were just talking about you."

"Good morning, Luna," said Twilight, watching as she picked up a pair of pancakes and shoved them in her mouth. "I'm glad you're here. Not to rush breakfast, but I'm eager to know what's the first item on our itinerary."

"That's for fans to decide now!" exclaimed Luna.

Twilight stared at her. Then she looked to Celestia, who nodded.

"That's up to fans to decide," she said serenely.

The lower lid of Twilight's left eye twitched. What fans? Why hadn't they decided anything for her to learn yet?

Insane was what it was. They were both insane!

No, no, said the voice in her head, the one that had over the past few months become stronger and stronger. They're messing with you. This is a prank, new princess hazing. They've both been princesses for longer than Equestria existed to be ruled. They've never had a chance to poke fun at a newcomer this way. And both of them had proven to be consummate pranksters, especially of late.

Yes, Twilight decided. There was no need for Twilighting. This would all blow over once they'd gotten it out of their systems.

As it turned out, they had a lot of pranking left in their systems.

Half the day gone, and most of Celestia's answers to Twilight's questions had been some permutation of "Those sorts of details were never ironed out. Open for fanfics!"

What fanfics? she wanted to know. This wasn't a Daring Do convention, this was the center of Equestrian government! And though she'd been rising to the challenges that faced her throughout the morning with no small amount of trepidation, she really could have used some actual help. Neither Luna nor Celestia was taking this seriously!

The break for lunch came at just the right moment for Twilight. Now, she thought, perhaps she could get a candid answer from one of them. Once the food had been brought and the three of them began eating, she sought Luna's ear.

"So," she began, "Princess Luna. You doubtless have more of a newcomer's perspective on modern politics. I can't say I've spent much time studying the inner workings of the noble houses, despite growing up in Canterlot, so which would you suggest I keep my eye on? You know, for potential shenanigans, that sort of thing."

She winked, hoping it would suggest how personal this request was. Just a bit of palace gossip, between the two of them. If Luna's conspiratorial smile was anything to go by, the message had gotten across.

"It's not really something that we needed to decide on," she said with a light giggle. "It's left vague so you guys can have fun with fanfics and the like. I have my own personal opinions on stuff--" here, she pressed a hoof to her chest-- "but that doesn't make it canon."

Twilight was speechless, and remained so for the duration of the meal.

She would just have to step up her game.

"You know," said Twilight during a lull in court, "I hadn't thought about it till now, what with all the moving and changes and so forth, but... What's going to happen to my old castle in Ponyville? I actually never made any plans for it..."

"We never decided what would happen to it," said Celestia, "but I like to imagine it became a tourist attraction."

"Or additional student housing for the school," added Luna.

Those answers were... reasonable, Twilight supposed. But still odd. She wasn't done yet.

As they made for the state dining room and the lavish dinner that awaited them, Twilight leaned over to Celestia and asked, "Chancellor Sky Wishes and Chancellor Star Catcher. Is it just me, or might there be something between them?"

With a beatific smile, Celestia replied, "It's up to the individual viewer to decide what those two are to each other." She winked. "Gotta leave you with some things to debate!"

Twilight scowled.

"Why haven't the zebras or buffalo been invited to official functions? They're allies of ours, aren't they?"

"No specific reason. They just never came up in story pitches."

"What?"

"Does it ever bother you that Cozy Glow is the only pony to be turned to stone? What could have made her capable of such evil?"

"We never really discussed Cozy's origins. It would have been fun to get in to, but we didn't really end up having the time."

"Ugh..."

"Are Minister Sun Chaser and Minister Leaf Chaser related, or what?"

"It was never discussed. And in my personal opinion, they aren't. But fans can decide for themselves!"

"Argh!"

"How did you and Celestia become alicorns?"

"It was never decided internally what their official back story was. Fuel for future fanfics?"

"GAAAAH!"

"Okay, okay, I give!"

Twilight Sparkle, bedraggled and sweaty, flopped over in front of her bed. An entire day spent listening to non-answers while trying to deal with official government business had left her completely drained. Celestia and Luna stood behind her in the bedroom's doorway, impassive.

"You two have obviously had your fun. You win. Just, please, tell me you'll give me actual advice tomorrow!"

She had enough strength to turn her head so she could see the formerly royal sisters exchange a smile. This was it, she decided. This was the moment when they revealed it had all been a prank and they weren't both completely off their rockers.

Celestia strode across the floor, hooves making no sound thanks to the lush rug, imported from Abyssinia. She leaned down, placing her muzzle right next to Twilight's ear. And she whispered, ever so delicately, into that poor, tired ear.

"It’s just fun messing with you all!"

Author's Note

Portions of this story are paraphrased or quoted from here. You can guess which is which, I'm sure. Thanks to Chinchillax for inspiring the title

And in the End, Should Someone Die?

And in the End, Should Someone Die?
by Present Perfect

Ambergris, majordomo of Canterlot Castle, knew something was wrong when the sun started to descend a little past two in the afternoon.

The Duke and Duchess of Maretonia had just concluded a short court appearance, congratulating Princess Twilight on the eighty-ninth anniversary of her ascension to Equestria's throne. Ambergris had been going over his notes on the next supplicant when the impromptu sunset caught his attention through the throne room's stained glass windows. Being a dragon, he had never understood to an extent beyond the conceptual what ponies meant when they said something made their blood ran cold.

When the next thing he became aware of was a guard saying, "Princess? Princess!" he thought that maybe, he did understand.

"What is it?" he cried, head snapping up.

Princess Twilight, tall and resplendent in her royal accoutrements, sat on the sole throne in the room. Though normally she towered at least a head over most other creatures, her head was at that moment slumped, as though she had fallen asleep with no preamble. Ambergris could swear color was draining from the purple stripes in her hair as he watched.

"She..." The guard, a unicorn, swallowed, his magic pressed up against the Princess's neck. "She's dead."

Those last two words had come out in a shocked whisper, yet somehow they had filled the entire room. As they reverberated off the ceiling and the other guards and attendants froze, a confused and terrified murmuration arose from just outside the doors. The guards stationed by the doors began to close them unbidden, and only stopped when Ambergris shot out a claw to point at them.

"Stop!" he shouted, his voice cracking. "Leave those doors open!" Whatever was happening, the ponies who had come here deserved to witness it first-hoof.

The door guards shook themselves, opening the doors back up, bewilderment written plain across their faces. Ambergris leapt into the air and flew the short distance to the throne, not trusting his legs to move him. The guard who had first called the alarm, Corner Pocket, stared at the Princess, completely frozen. Muscling him out of the way, Ambergris placed his claw against the Princess's throat.

"Princess Twilight?" he croaked, but it was needless. The guard's words were true. The Princess sat motionless, her body already cooling as the color drained from her hair.

Once, when he had been a reckless whelp, Ambergris had been convinced by a group of friends to eat lava that was cooling. It had formed a solid ball in his stomach, which sat there for days, making him feel sluggish and tamping down his ability to breathe fire. It had taken eating lava hot enough to burn his tongue to undo the damage the prank had caused.

As he turned from the throne, that familiar weight settled once again in his belly. Below and before him, dozens of ponies watched with eyes that were already tear-stained, begging him to speak, to say anything that would put the lie to the guard's words.

Drawing himself up, he spoke in a loud, resounding voice. "My fellow Eq--"

The words broke off in his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying desperately to stoke his own fire against the lead weight in his stomach, that he might burn brightly for those who depended on him. When he spoke again, it was in a soft tone not much higher than a whisper.

"My fellow Equestrians, this is a sad day indeed. Princess Twilight Sparkle, Mistress of the Sun and Moon, Keeper of Magic, Head of the Friendship Council, beloved ruler of Equestria... is dead."

A pained moan rose from below. "What do we do?" came a plaintive cry. The sounds of sobbing and stricken wails floated up to the dais.

Ambergris stood there for a long time, just watching the other creatures around him weep and mourn their lost regent. Hot tears slid down the soft scales of his cheeks, and it was all he could do to simply stand. In time, a fire ignited in the pit of his stomach, and he spoke, knowing the room's acoustics would carry his words for him.

"Needless to say, court will be cancelled for the foreseeable future." He swallowed. "Soy Latte, start compiling an official report for the papers. Someone get a doctor in here so we can determine a cause. Get Luster Dawn. Milquetoast, get on the direct line to the Crystal Empire, let them know. And someone e--" His throat closed, and he had to take a moment to squeeze his eyes shut and let the tears fall. "Someone else contact Silver Shoals. Tell them 'Morpheus Protocol' is initiated."

He had no idea what that particular phrase meant, exactly. It had been inherited along with the job title, and he had neither questioned its purpose nor assumed it would ever be necessary. She was an alicorn! She raised the moon and sun! Did that not make her immortal?

There was a sudden clamor at the throne room doors, and the guards were startled out of their sorrow by an earth pony runner shouting, "Grave news, Your Highness!"

Ambergris recognized him as an up and coming courtesan named Frescoe.

"I bring word from Ponyville that Councillor Applejack has... What's going on here?"

Ambergris stepped in front of the Princess, spreading his wings. "Councillor Applejack has what?"

Frescoe swallowed. "She... she has passed away, sir. Surrounded by family in Ponyville. The Council of Friendship is no more."

Bowing his head, Ambergris loosed a sigh and stepped away from the throne. "I am afraid the news is even more dire."

Frescoe let out a shocked gasp. His eyes filled with tears as he looked from Ambergris to the others in the room. "The... the Princess? But the Council is gone! Who will rule Equestria?"

For a long time, no one had any answers beyond weeping openly for what had been lost. No one, that is, until a mellifluous voice materialized from a side entrance.

"I believe that sad duty must fall yet again to us."

The guards, to their credit, were immediately alert and ready to face any intruders despite their own sorrows, none of which they held back. Entering the throne room were a pink-haired white pegasus and a shorter, blue-on-blue unicorn, both mares. Though unassuming, each of them exuded a strange power, an inner peace that kept the guards and Ambergris himself from the attack.

"Who are you?" he asked, at a loss for grander words. "How did you get here?"

Both mares tossed their heads, and their outlines shimmered in a way that forced all within the throne room to shield their eyes, lest they grow nauseous. When they looked back, the pair had become tall alicorns, one blue, one white, both with ethereal manes of a sort to match that of Princess Twilight, save that theirs flowed in unseen winds while hers was still.

"Have we been so soon forgotten?" asked the blue one, a hint of affront in her voice.

"You..." Numbness overtook Ambergris, and it was all he could do to remain upright. "You are Celestia and Luna, are you not?"

"We are," said Celestia, smiling sadly at him. "The Morpheus Protocol was meant to be fast-acting. I'm afraid your messenger will find Silver Shoals absent their intended target."

Her eyes glanced past him, and her face crumpled, reflecting a sadness whose profundity engulfed that of the others in the room. "May I see her?" she murmured.

He stepped aside, unwilling to stop her. She moved to Princess Twilight's side, whispered something to her, and sat next to the throne, one hoof against the Princess's unmoving chest.

"Leave them space," said Luna, drawing Ambergris off the dais. "I assume you have questions."

"I... Yes!" He turned to her, an indescribable mix of emotions roiling in his chest like dragonfire. "How did this happen? How could she just... die?"

Luna frowned softly, and her eyes roamed over him for a few moments.

"It was said," she began in a soft, slow tone, "that Twilight Sparkle would not outlive her friends. That neither would she nor could she live without them. When we installed her on the throne, my sister and I had hoped those words would be conjecture, and not prophecy. But... here we are."

Ambergris nodded. "We received word before you arrived that Councillor Applejack had passed away also."

A long sigh escaped Luna's lips, and as her form deflated ever so slightly, Ambergris became aware of just what it meant to be immortal. If the stories about these two alicorns were true, then their lives had been a never-ending series of memorials.

"Then it was prophecy indeed," said Luna with a note of finality. "Our optimism was misplaced. Not that Twilight Sparkle's rule brought anything but a time of peace and prosperity for Equestria. It was no mistake to appoint her, and the world has lost something truly wonderful this day. But it was inevitable, as in all things. You might say she died of a broken heart."

Ambergris watched her for a long moment, saying nothing. It was Luna who spoke next.

"The transfer of power will be an upheaval, but I have lived through Equestria forgetting me once. On this day, let us think not of the future, but of those we have lost."

She placed an arm around his shoulders, and they watched Celestia weep.

Author's Note

Well, that was considerably harder to write than I thought it would be. But there you go, reconciliation of the series finale and Word of McCarthy, now stop complaining. Points if you get the title reference.

Through a Mirror, Brightly

Through a Mirror, Brightly
by Present Perfect

Pinkie just barely kept herself from flinching as another clone burst like an overinflated balloon. Transforming into a shower of purple light, it sailed out the high window. She'd been doing her best to keep her eyes focused purely on the wall of drying paint, but it hadn't kept her from being aware of just what was going on around her.

It terrified her.

At any minute, the least mistake, the slightest motion, could spell her instant doom. Twilight would fire that spell at her, and she would be poofed into oblivion, doomed to spend the rest of her existence in the waters of the Mirror Pool. And that was even assuming she would retain her self. Had her duplicates had any awareness before they were dragged from those depths? She couldn't know, not before she found out first-hoof.

Not knowing was awful. This was Equestria; it was supposed to be a happy land filled with smiling ponies! Those smiles were something she brought about with her powers of laughter and joy! Yet right now, she couldn't even be sure she was actually who she thought she was. There were so many Pinkie Pies, or at least there had been, and the day's events were so jumbled up in her head that she couldn't keep them straight.

Well, it wasn't important. She just had to keep her anxiety in check. All that mattered was that she get this right, that she win this truly death-defying contest so she could stay here with her friends.

She was very aware now that the room she was in was nearly empty. Yet they hadn't called the game in her favor. Hazarding a glance to the side, she caught a flash of pink, of poofy magenta curls, and a blue eye watching her from the opposite side of the room. Just as quickly, that eye and her own refocused on the wall.

"Wow," said Fluttershy from up on the stage. "They're moving perfectly in sync! Twilight, how are we going to know which is the real Pinkie Pie?"

"We're down to just these two," said Twilight grimly. "One of 'em's gotta crack soon."

"I know!" cried Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie was startled by a sudden flash of blue and rainbow brilliance in front of her face. "Boogada-boogada-boogada!"

"Ah!" cried Pinkie, and an identical cry sounded from her left. She didn't jump, move, or look away from the paint, though.

"Geez," said Rainbow, her voice strained. "They even get scared the same! This is impossible!"

"And the paint's almost dry," Spike pointed out. "I mean, I could paint the wall again, but it's probably not gonna have the same effect."

Twilight let out a groan of frustration. "We don't have time for this! Rainbow Dash, move!"

And before Pinkie knew it, the form of her pegasus friend had vacated her sight, which was filled with a blinding violet light.

This is it, Pinkie told herself. Goodbye, friends. I'll never forget you, assuming I can even remember you were ever my friends.

But there was no poof, no sudden inflation, no sailing out the window and into eternity. The light faded in a trice, and Pinkie remained as she was.

"The spell didn't work!" Rarity cried, overjoyed. "She must be the real Pinkie Pie!"

Pinkie fell back onto her haunches, relief surging through her and washing the anxiety away. She was the real Pinkie after all? It was almost too silly to think that she had believed otherwise. All that moping and angst had been for nothing. She couldn't be happier. The strain of her mane as it poofed against her scalp was a testament to the joy bursting from her heart.

"Get the other'n!" shouted Applejack. Twilight fired a blast of magic at the second Pinkie, who leapt into the air and dodged it.

"Woop-woop-woop!" she cried, making a break for the door. Rainbow Dash swept after her, even as Twilight shouted her name. The clone led her out the door, then made for Manehattan and a life of undercover reporting.

Rainbow stopped in the doorway and floated back into the room slowly, arms crossed over her chest.

"Yeah, we all know I can't catch Pinkie when she doesn't want me to." She snorted and blew her forelock out of her face. "It's not like she's gonna show up in a few years to haunt us or anything."

Pinkie Pie -- the real Pinkie Pie -- leapt onto the stage and threw her arms around Twilight. Fluttershy and Rarity joined in, followed a moment later by Rainbow, AJ and even Spike.

"Oh, I'm so glad I'm real! I was so afraid I might never get to be friends with you girls again!"

"Of course you're our friend, Pinkie Pie!" Twilight cried, and the others chimed with words of affection and happiness.

"On reflection," Rarity mused, "it makes sense that the Pinkie Pie who was upset over losing her friends would be the real one after all. The others could barely remember our names!" She huffed. "'Shmarity' indeed!"

"What I don't get," said Twilight as the hug broke and they all took a step back, "is why the spell failed. I thought it was going to send anypony hit by it back to the Mirror Pool. I mean, I almost sent you to the pool!" She began hyperventilating, but Pinkie just patted her on the head.

"Oh, Twilight, don't you see? You had nothing to worry about!"

Her friends did that thing where they stared at her with expressions that demanded answers and dreaded what they might be.

"This is Equestria, after all!" She bounced high in the air and confetti exploded from the vicinity. "It's a land of sunshine and smiling ponies! Nothing bad ever happens here!"

"Nothin' bad?" asked Applejack. "Like Nightmare Moon?"

"Or the changeling invasion?" said Rainbow Dash, an eyebrow raised.

Fluttershy shuddered. "Or Discord?"

Pinkie shrugged and rolled her hoof. "Weeeeell, nothing so bad that it can't be fixed with the application of friendship and rainbow lasers, at least." She giggled. "It was silly of me to ever forget that, even for a second! I had nothing to worry about ever!"

Twilight sat down, looking pensively at the floor. "I still don't get it. The spell was very specific..."

"Which is why you got frustrated and used it on Pinkie without being sure, right?" Rainbow leered at Twilight, who shrank back from her.

"It's okay, Dashie!" Pinkie laid a placating hoof on Dash's arm. "Like I said, there was nothing to worry about! I wasn't gonna get sent to the Mirror Pool! And the clones that got sent back weren't real ponies to begin with! And Rarity isn't sleeping with Spike..."

Rarity's face turned beet red. "I beg your pardon?!"

"And Twilight isn't sleeping with Spike..."

Twilight turned more a shade of green. "What? No! He's like my brother!"

"And Rainbow Dash isn't sleeping with Spike..."

Rainbow scoffed. "I'm way out of his league!"

"And Applejack isn't sleeping with Spike..."

AJ mumbled something about that episode not having been aired yet.

"And Fluttershy--"

"We get it already!" shouted Spike, fat tears rolling down his fat cheeks. "Nopony's sleeping with Spike, that's enough!" And he waddled off like the fat, unlovable loser he was.

Pinkie smiled to herself at a job well done. "Yessirree bob, Equestria is a wonderful land where nothing bad ever happens. Ever."

And then a big rock fell out of the sky and everyone died.

THE END

Author's Note

Wrote this after reading one too many stories in a row about Pinkie being sent back to the Mirror Pool. Though some aspects of Equestria are dark, it doesn't mean everything has to end that way.

Impending

Impending
by Present Perfect

Tempest's boots thundered down the reflective gunmetal chrome of the station's hallways. She caught herself with her cybernetic hand as her balance failed around a sharp turn and nearly sent her into the opposite wall.

"Move!" she snarled to a corridor full of junior officers. They didn't need a second warning, getting out of her way as she barrelled past them, looks of confusion and shock on their faces.

The Swigart was at this very moment docking in bay D, with three life forms confirmed aboard and the entire ship on lockdown. Early sensor sweeps couldn't say what had gone wrong, only that it had been catastrophic. Some unknown hostile had managed to take over the ship and kill nearly two thousand people. And now that ship was coming into her base.

The door to the stationmaster's operations room slid upward as she surged toward it. The inside was empty, just the same chrome as the rest of the station and various monitoring systems giving steady readouts of station activity, heedless of the danger.

"Unauthorized entry," said the dispassionate female voice of the station's computer. "Identify--"

"Can it," said Tempest firmly. "Voice authorization Alpha-three-two-five-nine-zed-X."

The computer spoke again after a light buzzing sound. "Authorization accepted. Welcome, Commander Shadow."

"Yeah, whatever," Tempest grumbled, making her way to the center of the room. "Open a station-wide frequency already."

She spread the fingers of her flesh and blood hand, placing them on the large vertical console as the comms frequency open confirmation sound played.

"All hands, this is Commander Tempest Shadow. As I speak, the H.M.S. Swigart is docking with the station. Whatever happened to her crew, we're the lucky sons of bitches who get to clean her up. If you're in xenobiology, first response, or, god help you, security, you need to be at Docking Bay Delta five minutes ago. Good luck."

She closed the comms, wasting no time as she moved to her commanding officer's weapons locker. She wasn't the kind of person who sent people to their death then stood by and watched. As she retrieved whatever she could comfortably carry, which was a lot, she steeled herself. She was going to be right there alongside them, hell or high water, no matter what the cost.

She didn't even bother to close the locker as she took her plasma rifles and booked it back the way she had come. Hopefully, she wouldn't get there too late.

Author's Note

Sorry it's not, like, a full story or anything. That's what this collection is for, after all. :B This was a dream I had this morning, and I wanted to make sure I got it down before I forgot the details. That's why the space station isn't named and it cuts off where it does. Okay, I love you, bye-bye.

Derpy's Day

Derpy's Day
by Present Perfect

Here she stood, in the entryway of Canterlot Castle itself, and she still couldn't believe her eye.

Her, Derpy Hooves, Ponyville's own humblest mailmare, at the Grand Galloping Gala? Wearing a pretty, fancy, sparkly dress, surrounded by pretty, fancy, sparkly ponies from the highest, most powerful reaches of pony society? It was all she could do not to start dancing on hooftip.

But as she'd told Dinky while they had gotten fitted for their dresses from Miss Rarity (who had politely but firmly refused the notion of payment), they needed to be on their best behavior. After all, the Princesses were here! And even if she'd been invited as a personal guest of Princess Twilight Sparkle (as thanks for saving her during the Friendship Festival), she needed to make a good impression on the other princesses.

Beside her, a solemn-faced crier called out, "Announcing the Lady Ditzelinda Derpina Hooves and the Lady..." She caught him squinting at his register out of the corner of her eye. It was only a second's pause, but it was noticeable. "Skinnamarinka Dinky Dinka Doo!"

"Mommy, that's us!" whispered Dinky to her right. "We're ladies!"

"Yes we are, Muffin," Derpy whispered back. Her wings fluttered at her sides. The skin on her back crawled as though lightning were trying to zap its way out of her. She clenched her teeth, trying to keep the lightning inside.

But that's the thing about lightning. She'd been struck by it enough times to know: you can't keep it bottled up.

With a squeal of, "I'm at the Grand Galloping Gala!" Derpy scooped her daughter up onto her back, leapt into the air and flew to the front of the line of ponies waiting to greet Princess Celestia.

She could feel Dinky glaring a hole through her mane.

"Mommy," she said with a scoff. "Best behavior, remember?"

"Sorry," she said, not feeling the least bit admonished as she landed among cries of dismay and disapproval. "But I couldn't help myself."

And then there they were, staring up at the tall, majestic form of Princess Celestia and the dark, regal countenance of Princess Luna. Derpy had just enough self-control to remember to bow as ponies behind her objected to the interruption.

"It's all right," said Princess Celestia in a tone that made Derpy a little bit jealous for how patient and motherly it was. "Rise, my little pony. Welcome, Ms. Hooves, to the Grand Galloping Gala."

Wow, the Princess even knew her name! It was enough to make Derpy want to do a loop-de-loop. Dinky scrambled down off her back, though, and so reminded her to control herself.

"It's a pleasure to be here, Your Highness!" she said with what she hoped was a suitable amount of enthusiasm.

Princess Luna smiled, and in her deep tones asked, "And who might this little darling be?"

Derpy beamed. "This is my daughter Dinky, Your Majesty! Dinky, this is Princess Luna!"

Dinky scoffed again. "Mommy, I know her. She's Pipsqueak's friend."

"That I am," said Luna as her sister tittered behind a hoof. "A pleasure as always to see the charming Miss Dinky Doo."

"Please enjoy your time at the Gala, both of you." Celestia swept a hoof to the side. "You've more than earned it."

That was all the invitation Derpy needed. She gave a quick, tiny bow before dashing off in the direction the Princess had indicated.

She had no idea what lay that way, but she knew whatever it was, she and Dinky were gonna have the time of their lives.

The festivities were over. The guests had gone home. The lights were off, and the cleaning crews were making the palace presentable for the persnickety upper classes once again.

Celestia stood on her balcony, overlooking the last few stragglers leaving the palace. A weight she could not describe had settled in her heart shortly after the Gala had started and remained there for the rest of the night. She was a master at schooling her expression, of course, and had been nothing but the nurturing, approachable princess her subjects had needed her to be for the rest of the affair.

But try as she might, she could not get the visions of grey coat, blonde mane and a single lazy eye out of her mind. How she had flown through the air with equal parts unbridled joy and innocent clumsiness. They had exchanged a scant few words at the night's start, but the mare's very being had haunted her for the rest of the evening. Even now, it lodged fast in the forefront of her mind.

At the sound of hoofsteps behind her, she said quietly, "I'm sorry for not believing you sooner. It seemed impossible at the time, but now there is no doubt in my mind."

Her sister moved up beside her. "I was quite distracted during the Tantabus debacle, but even then, I could not mistake her mein. And she has a child?" She took a long, shuddering breath. "What do we do, sister?"

Celestia squeezed her eyes shut. Aeons of memory exploded behind her lids before she could bring to mind a tall, winged form, a white coat and autumn red mane that shimmered like fire. With it came the memory of the last time Celestia had seen those colors, watching transfixed as they muted, the form lessening to paltry mortality, power draining from it into her to imbue new celestial hosts and ensure the cycle continued unbroken.

She had thought at the time that Luna was too young to understand what was happening. But, truth be told, she had also been far, far too young to understand. The only mare who could have understood that sequence of events, the reasons why and how the mantle of immortality had to be passed on, was the one who had rendered herself too weak and insensate to ever explain it.

Where once the eyes had been deep and full of love, now they barely functioned. The keen mind was reduced to that of a silly foal. Her warmth and brightness remained, but like a sunset, it had diminished in grandeur, no longer cosmic but plain, ordinary.

Celestia had watched, transfixed by magic and fear as the universe lost its spark. A mare had died on that day, so many centuries long forgotten, yet her shell still walked the earth. And now...

"I don't know," Celestia said, and she could not keep the tears from trembling in her voice. "I don't know, Luna."

Luna stepped closer, so that their shoulders touched. "But her daughter? Our--"

"No." Celestia hated how final the word tasted in her mouth. "We couldn't. There is no way that we could explain it. All we can do is give her the gift of a mortal life with her friends and family."

She felt Luna tense beside her. "But there will come a time when they notice. That she isn't senescent. That she hasn't aged."

"It has caused no problems these long centuries. We will confront that day it does if and when it comes." Celestia's head bowed low. "I can only hope that she herself never notices."

In her mind, she pictured a silly little gray mare climbing into a carriage that was ornate for her standards but antiquated and common to those around them. She imagined the excitement the mare had shown so openly lasting until she got home to Ponyville. That she might tuck her daughter into bed and fall asleep right beside her, finding she was more tired than she'd thought.

There would be no hint of the omnipotence she had once wielded in the distant past.

"Whatever happens, it was nice to see you again," she whispered as tears fell down her muzzle.

"...Mother."

Author's Note

Sometimes, I wake up with a story in my head and I just gotta get it out.

I can probably thank TheDriderPony for sticking this idea in my subconscious. :)

Thank You, Nightmare Moon

Thank You, Nightmare Moon
by Present Perfect

The chance for Luna to once again catch up with Twilight Sparkle and her friends in Ponyville -- her friends, too -- without any sort of incidents was just the thing she had been needing. Mind, body and soul cleansed, she left the Palace of Friendship feeling lighter, but also ready to bask in a quiet evening in her study at the castle.

That was, until a small voice clamored across the courtyard.

"Princess Luna, Princess Luna! Is that really you?"

Luna turned to see a small pink blur racing toward her. She held out a wing as her guards stepped forward, knowing an overexcited filly when she saw one.

The filly screeched to a halt just before Luna, and stared up at her with barely-repressed awe. From beneath velvety purple curls, deep brown eyes sparkled at her, fervent enough to make the Princess of the Night take a step back.

"I love you so much, Princess Luna!"

A smile rose unbidden to Luna's face, and she let out a breath. "I am quite... honored to hear so, my little pony."

"I heard you were in Ponyville," the filly began chattering, "and I just had to come and say hi, I was too young to see you when you were here for Nightmare Night, but I couldn't let you leave this time without saying anything because you're just the best and I--"

Luna watched, smiling patiently, as the filly took a long, deep breath.

"Thank you for being Nightmare Moon!"

Luna's breath caught in her throat.

Her first emotion was fear: the lingering fear that somepony, anypony, knew what she had done and would hate her for it. It was an illogical fear, of course; everyone knew that she had been purged of the Nightmare. The few ponies who groused about her existence either despised having to suck up to a second Princess, or didn't know her at all.

Her second emotion was anger. That should have been "having been", not "being", right? She wasn't Nightmare Moon anymore! Was this filly stupid?

But strongest of all was the third emotion: confusion.

"I-I'm not Nightmare Moon anymore," Luna croaked dumbly, all three emotions jockeying to be the first to color her words.

"I know," the filly whispered, grinning as though sharing in some grand secret. "She's just you playing pretend!"

A part of Luna, deep inside, wept at the knowledge that Nightmare Moon had somehow become 'pretend'. That one thousand hours of envy, one thousand seconds of anger, and one thousand years of lonely penitence had been swept aside in favor of a young filly's fantasy.

A much deeper part wept for lost glory.

Luna ignored those parts, as was right, and placed her hoof atop the filly's head, which both stilled her jittering and caused her eyes and mouth to expand into large O's.

"Tell me, little filly," she said slowly, "what is your name?"

"Amaranth, Your Highness," the filly said, with all the decorum of a Canterlot noble of proper birth and upbringing.

"Amaranth." The name felt to her mouth like fine, dark wine; to her heart, it was even finer. "Just why do you like Nightmare Moon so much?"

"I know what you're gonna say," Amaranth whispered. "She was mean and evil, and I shouldn't want to be mean or evil."

Luna glanced down; the filly had averted her eyes. Luna rubbed her mane gently.

"B-but, when the foals at school are mean to me, or I feel alone, I just think about you and how you were Nightmare Moon, and you didn't feel scared or sad about anything." Amaranth licked her lips. "And I can pretend I'm her, just like you do, and then I feel..."

"Confident?"

The word came to Luna's lips unbidden. She really should not be encouraging this filly. And it was getting late; where were her parents?

"Yeah!" Amaranth's face lit up, and she raised it to look at Luna once more. "And then nothing mean or scary hurts me!"

Despite herself, Luna smiled. She swept the filly into an embrace, holding her close.

"Thank you, my child, for saying such kind things about me," she began. "But you're right that you should not idolize a pony who was so wicked in the past. Even if she is... pretend."

Stepping back, she lifted the filly's chin and gazed deep into her eyes.

"But if pretending to be Nightmare Moon can give you confidence, that means there is a piece of you, somewhere deep inside--" she poked Amaranth's chest, and the filly giggled-- "where that confidence naturally resides. You would do well to call on it, and not dark specters of the past, when you require reassurance."

Luna turned her gaze up to the stars. They were beautiful.

"Learn to do that well, and in time, you'll not need to practice. You will become that strong, confident pony you want to be."

They stood like that, just stargazing, for quite some time. Eventually, Amaranth's name came wafting down the street, and the filly jolted.

"M-my Aunt's calling me," she said, ears drooping.

"Remember what I said, young one." Luna stroked the filly's mane once more. "Go, and find who you were meant to be."

The filly wrapped her hooves as tightly around Luna's foreleg as she could.

"Thanks, Princess Luna! You're the best!"

With no further warning, she dashed off toward the distant pony who had called her.

Luna watched after her. Amaranth met the pony, her Aunt, and the two exchanged words. The filly pointed back at Luna, who waved at them; no doubt the Aunt wouldn't quite believe her story otherwise. The Aunt startled, then shrank in on herself, before they both trotted off to wherever it was they were expected.

"Home, gentlestallions," Luna said, turning and climbing into her chariot. She chuckled as the two charioteers gathered speed and pulled them all, wheeling, into the sky.

"It seems I am fated to always cause a stir when I visit Ponyville."

Author's Note

I woke up a few days ago with this scene in my head and wanted to get it out.

Thanks to kjack1111, Changeling Scum and Majin Syeekoh for their feedback and encouragement.