Twilight Tries to Get Fired

by Silent Whisper

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4012

Twilight attempts to get herself fired from a retail job. It's harder than it looks.

Twilight attempts to get herself fired from a retail job. It's harder than it looks.

Especially since she's a princess.

Featured on 11/30/17! Oh my stars, thank you all so much!

Published 2017-11-30 02:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-02 06:50:57 UTC

The plan

The day was warm, the sun was up, and Twilight Sparkle hated her job.

It wasn’t the hours that she hated. In fact, the manager had been extraordinarily reasonable with her about them. She worked evenings and afternoons, and got the days off that she requested. Her schedule was moderately flexible, and the store manager had even understood when she had to take a few impromptu days off to save Equestria.

She didn’t hate the location. The store was conveniently near her castle, and it was just a short walk away every day. When the weather was nice, like today, it made the commute downright pleasant. Too pleasant, really, since it was one less thing that she could reasonably hate about her work.

She didn’t even hate the low pay. Sure, retail wasn’t known for being generous in their entry-level employee’s paycheck, but Twilight was a princess, and she hadn’t expected a hefty sum. She did find it amusing that she had to pay taxes. She did, after all, receive a cut of the taxes, so wasn’t she really just paying herself? Twilight amused herself at the thought of this, before remembering that she was being upset about her job, and her smile disappeared into a moderately polite frown.

No, what Twilight Sparkle hated the most was how mind-bogglingly boring her job was. There were only so many times that Twilight could wander the same aisles before every rack of clothes became achingly familiar. Twilight wished she could knock them all over, just so it would look somewhat different, but then she’d just have to clean it up again, and re-organize it by color, size, and style.

Everything was routine, and the music that played on repeat never ended. At the very least, Twilight had expected the humdrum to spark some creative ideas in her brain, but it just made her mind go blank as her hooves went numb from hours of standing and walking around. Her cheeks hurt after work from smiling so much, and when she returned home every night, she passed out on her bed instead of reading a book like she wanted to.

Why did she ever think that doing retail was a good idea? She had heard from her friends that “everypony should work retail at least once, to understand what they go through,” and Twilight had thought it would help her connect with other ponies better. Besides, it would be a great way to make some new friends with customers and coworkers! She hadn’t realized that her coworkers would be too tired to talk, and that ponies would be fairly indifferent to her cheerful customer service demeanor.

It was on one particularly ordinary day that Twilight resolved to do something about the tedium. Her plan was simple: get herself fired. That way, she wouldn’t feel guilty about quitting a job, because quitting means giving up, and she couldn’t just do that! What if Celestia found out, and decided that Twilight wasn’t allowed to be a princess anymore?

What if everypony lost all respect for her and she ended up alone in her castle slowly cracking under the pressure with no friends and Starlight Glimmer moved out to go be Cadance’s student instead? She couldn’t go back home! Her parents were renting out her room! Oh, what could she do, what could she do?

She had been trying to get fired subtly for weeks, with no luck. Showing up late? The manager had excused it, since she saved Equestria so many times. Doing almost no work? Her coworkers happily picked up the slack. It was so frustrating, and she didn’t know what to do next.

Maybe she just needed to think bigger. How could she guarantee that she be fired? Would changing the prices to 1 bit for everything do it, or maybe having a picnic in the middle of the aisle? Hmm… it had to be so outlandish that the manager would have to get rid of her, Princess or not! She’d have to do something as crazy as Pinkie Pie

Twilight’s muzzle split into a grin as she clapped her hooves. She’d get herself fired, and everything would be perfect! She’d plan it out and make a checklist and everything… once she was on her break, of course.

Twilight resisted the urge to giggle and rub her hooves together evilly. This was it. This was the most perfect getting-fired plan of all time! She gripped the restocking trolley she’d commandeered with her hooves, holding onto the rails. Rainbow Dash would be proud!

With a wild whoop, she pushed the cart forward and jumped onto it. Twilight raced down the aisle, wobbling on the trolley and narrowly missing customers. She swerved around a corner, running her hooves along any shelf she could find and knocking over every sign and stand she came across. Clothes flew in every direction, and each one, she was proud to see, landed unfolded on the floor. Perfect.

Her head swiveled forward just in time to catch the surprised look on a coworker’s face seconds before her cart crashed into the rack of clothes the coworker had been maneuvering. Twilight spilled onto the ground, spread-eagled and breathless. That was fun, the most fun she had in her entire experience there.

Hoofsteps alerted her to the presence of her manager, whose face looked as though it couldn’t decide on which emotion to express at the moment, and was therefore attempting to express all of them at once.

“Am I fired?” squeaked Twilight hopefully as she lay sprawled across the floor. The manager’s muzzle scrunched up in an unreadable expression as he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Weeeeeell…” he began as he took in the disaster she had wreaked with her cart. “I did intent to have you reorganize the shelves, so I suppose this is one way to go about it.” His eye twitched as he took another calming breath, and let it out in a huff before stomping off to the break room.

Twilight sighed as she picked herself up off of the floor. Why didn’t he fire her? And, more importantly, would anypony help her clean up the mess while she thought of a new plan?

This time, it would be perfect. Twilight got out her supplies as she prepared. Her manager was on break, the store would open soon, and everything was absolutely ready! She raised a purple marker and ran to the first mannequin. She giggled. It was just like art class!

The first mannequin was decorated with tattoos and a moustache. The second one received pink eyeliner and big anime eyes. The third one looked angry, and the fourth became a zombie. She raced across the aisles, doodling on every visible surface she could. If this didn’t get her fired, then what could?

She was drawing little stick ponies all over the face of one of them when she felt a tap on her shoulder. Twilight wheeled around and beamed at the manager, who wore a rather forced smile. “Twilight, I… admire your creativity, and… wanted to, ahhh, thank you for your attempt to make our mannequins more… visually… appealing.” His voice cracked on the last word, and he nodded brusquely before running off to the front doors to open the store a few minutes late. As customers walked in, Twilight felt her eye twitch. Why didn’t he fire her? She messed everything up!

She had to do something, anything! If she worked another day here, she would lose her mind!

Twilight’s manic laughter echoed off of the store’s walls. This had to work, it just had to! There was no way in Tartarus that she wouldn’t be sacked after this! Thank Celestia that Fluttershy hadn’t asked too many questions about her plan, since she promised to treat her guest with gentleness and care… though, she wasn’t entirely sure why it would need it.

She pushed the box towards the center of the main aisle, and then tapped on it with a hoof. A low grumbling sounded from inside of it, and she giggled. Perfect! Twilight cleared her throat, and prepared to use the Royal Canterlot Voice that Princess Luna had taught her.

“MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?” she shouted, smiling politely as all the heads in the store swiveled towards her. “I HAVE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!” Twilight winked at the startled customers before opening the box with a burst of magic.

Harry the bear wasn’t having a good day. He had been stuffed in a box and brought to a strange place. He stood frozen for a few seconds, blinking in the fluorescent lights before letting out an irritated growl that startled every pony in the store.

With a roar, his paw swiped at clothes racks. Ponies ran around frantically, trying to avoid the upset bear. It was a level of chaos that Discord would be proud of, Twilight realized as she observed the bedlam. The manager exited the break room, took one look at the bear destroying displays, and backed into the break room again.

He didn’t fire her, though, even after she cast a spell to calm the bear, who curled up on a mound of shredded clothes. The manager didn’t say a word to her about it, he just held his face in his hooves.

Twilight wasn’t okay with this. So, like any reasonable pony would do, she went to the nearest bar to go get a drink.

Author's Note

Will Harry the bear figure out how to use his Rewards card? Will Twilight find out that shirts with her face on it are on clearance? Will Celestia decide to work at a fast-food joint?

Find out probably none of this and more in the next chapter!

The aftermath

“Life,” slurred Twilight as she leaned over the table, “is like a shpoon.”

Rarity gave Twilight a peculiar look and sat down on the bar stool next to Twilight, who was extraordinarily drunk, if the mostly-empty wine bottle was any indication. Rarity squinted at the tipsy alicorn, debating about whether or not to humor her before giving in with a sigh. “How is it like a spoon, darling?”

Twilight perked up. “Oh, it’s just… see, look at this spoon!”

“That’s a fork, darling,” Rarity deadpanned, perching on the edge of her seat, as though she were in a great rush to be leaving.

“Fork, shpoon, whatever. Point is, look at it. You can fill it up all the way, but theresh only so much space to fill it in. Guess where the rest of life goes?” Twilight smiled proudly at the fork, and gulped down the rest of her glass of wine before Rarity could snatch it away.

“I’m not entirely certain you’re hearing yourself correctly, and I cannot fathom where the rest of life goes.” Rarity removed the offending glass, but was a second too late in removing the bottle of wine. Twilight cradled it in her hooves, spilling a bit of it on her fur before chugging it down noisily. Rarity winced at the sight, and waved over a waiter to bring a napkin, but the alicorn was far from caring about the state of her fur.

Twilight waved the fork excitedly, knocking her half-full bowl of soup off the table. “Oh, shurely you can guess, Raridash. You know all the thinks about life, right?” She burbled and looked at Rarity expectantly, hanging on her every word.

“It, ah, spills out, darling?” Rarity suggested weakly while trying to dab away the red wine from Twilight’s chest. Twilight batted away her gentle hooves and stroked her wine bottle possessively.

“Exactamundito! It makes puddles in the quicksand of time itself, turning it into spicy mud, because life ish spicy, at least if you’re doing it right. Now, shome ponies, they only kind of fill their shpoons of life. They get not much out of it. But I’m overflowing, like, er…” She trailed off, staring at Rarity through the tines of the fork. “Raritijack, where was I again?”

Rarity looked agitated, and neatly folded the napkin as best as she could. “You were filling up a fork with the spice of life, I believe?”

“Ah, yesh. Whoa, wait, where’s my soup?” Twilight stared at the imprint of the bowl on the table in bewilderment, then at the fork in her hoof.

“It’s on the floor, darling.” Rarity mumbled, half paying attention as she attempted to tidy up the table, in a desperate hope that it wasn’t a lost cause.

“Why’d you put it there? Now see, there’s what you don’t want. Shpilling life soup everywhere, makes a mess.” Twilight nodded amiably at the soup, and then nodded amiably at Rarity, before blinking owlishly at her, coming slowly to a realization. “Wait, Rarashy, why are you here?”

Rarity cleared her throat politely, as though a subtle cough may somehow correct the situation. As one would expect, it did not. “I’m here because you’re drunk, Twilight. I do hope you will tell me why you’ve drunk so much without telling anypony where you were.”

Twilight frowned, puzzled. “Because… my shpoon is overflowing, and made a mess on the floor of my reality. So I came here to drink, becaushe… I don’t remember. I think that was the intent.” She then proceded to give the empty wine bottle a quick smooch before setting it lovingly on the table and giving it a little pat.

The unicorn sighed and arranged the bottle in the middle of Twilight’s placemat. “I don’t think I quite understand you, darling. Your… spoon is overflowing?”

“Yes. My spoon ish overflowed. Too much stress, you shee. It all goes spilling down, down, down.” Twilight’s hoof idly traced a few drips of soup as they made their way down the tablecloth and into her lap. “I’mma tell you a shecret, Raritittily. You can’t tell anypony, shwear?”

The unicorn rolled her eyes as she went through the motions of the Pinkie swear, more concerned with a drop of soup that trickled its way towards her own lap. She eyed it warily. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Twilight, please, tell me what this is all about!”

Twilight took a deep breath before settling her hooves on the table. They were all crossed, and this annoyed Twilight, so she set them down the other way, which worked much better. “Okay, the shecret is… I don’t like my job. Or this soup.”

A few drops of said soup levitated in Rarity’s magic as she gave Twilight a quizzical stare. “You don’t like being a princess?”

“No, no, my other job.” Twilight sprawled across the table, knocking the bottle off it. It shattered on the ground, unnoticed by either mare. “Remember, the one I took to try to shee if I liked retail? As it turns out, I don’t, at all. It’s really boring. I’ve been tryink to get myshelf fired for weeks now, and it hasn’t worked, and there was this ishue with a bear, and-”

“Darling,” Rarity interjected, which was rather rude, but Twilight let it slide. “Have you considered quitting, if you hate it so much?”

The alicorn stared at Rarity as though she had mushrooms growing out of her ears. “No, shee, I can’t quit, that’s like givink up, and I can’t just say I hate what I do with every fibre of my eternal alicornious being, because that’s just complaining, and, and…” She sniffled, then took a deep breath to continue. “And other ponies have it worshe than me, and I don’t wanna sheem above them just because I’m a pwetty pwincess, and it’s not like I can’t do it, and the manager ish nice and I just don’t like how tedious it is, and-”

Twilight got no further with her train of thought, on account of the tight hug that Rarity enveloped her in. “Twilight, dearest, it’s alright to not like something. You’ve worried Fluttershy and I quite a bit, thanks to your disappearing act.” Twilight tried to hold in a sob, but it found its way out of her throat anyways. Stupid wine, she definitely blamed the wine. Pinot noir. She always hated that kind.

Rarity smushed Twilight’s face between her hooves, as delicately as she could while still holding the drunk alicorn’s attention. “Sweetheart, nopony would think worse of you just because you hate a horrible job, princess or not. You just need to march up there and tell the manager that you’ve had quite enough, and you quit. Simple as that, darling, really!”

Twilight staggered to her hooves and pried herself from Rarity’s grip. “Yesh, you’re right, it ish that simple!” She stumbled her way towards the exit from the bar, only to be held in Rarity’s magic. She flailed her hooves at the ground that was hovering a few feet away from her hooves.

“Perhaps,” stated Rarity gently, “you should wait until morning, okay?” Twilight nodded tiredly, then perked up.

“Raripie?”

“Yes, darling?”

“What happens if you puke into telekinesis?”

“I, ah, I don’t-”

“Rararifity?”

“Yes?”

“Let’s find out together! It’ll be for shcience! One, two-”

“DARLING WAIT!”

Rarity dropped Twilight on her face, seconds before Twilight vomited all over the cheap carpet of the bar. As Rarity went off to apologize to the staff, Twilight stuck her tongue out and made a face. She really didn’t like Pinot noir, going down or coming back up.

Author's Note

Will Twilight discover the ultimate power of sporks? Will Rarity learn how to cure an alicorn-sized hangover? Will Twilight get an employee's discount?

Find out everything you've ever wondered in my next fic!

The aftermath of the aftermath

“I’d like to speak with your manager. Do you mind calling him over?”

Twilight suppressed a groan as she pressed the button that would page him over to her. This had to be the third time that day a customer wasn’t satisfied with her answer. It wasn’t as though he would give them a different one, anyways. The customer didn’t get a special sale offer for asking to speak with the pony in charge, they didn’t win a “you’re special” prize, they didn’t even get a commemorative sticker…

But the customer was always right, so Twilight wasn’t allowed to complain. Her displeasure would fall on deaf ears, anyways. None of her coworkers acknowledged grumblings, especially during work hours. Their official reasoning for this was that it would put them in a less-than-optimal mood for customer service, but Twilight suspected that it was just because they didn’t want the manager to catch them whining.

Speaking of the manager, Twilight had been trying to get in touch with him all day, but every attempt to talk to him had resulted in a customer interrupting. Most of them just had honest questions, but a few had stormed over to her just to complain. One of them was so upset that she didn’t know the exact location of one particular pair of socks, she asked if Twilight even worked there! Well, she wished she didn’t, but quitting would have to wait until she could corner her manager.

Rarity had advised her on how to tell him that she quit. She had immediately rejected Twilight’s brilliant idea of announcing it over the loudspeaker, as well as her second idea of writing a note and simply not showing up. Rarity’s insistence on a private, personal discussion with the manager was admittedly a more professional-sounding solution, so Twilight succumbed to that.

Fluttershy reminded her of her plan when she came over to wake up Twilight. Celestia above, she thought that working without a hangover was bad, now her head was throbbing and every annoying customer seemed ten times worse. Their voices made her head spin, and she wished she could just crawl into bed, but Fluttershy gently encouraged her and cheered her on, and the next thing Twilight knew, she was at work.

Her bewildered state wasn’t helping her customer service, however. Every attempt to evade shopping ponies were thwarted by what Twilight felt were the most irritable customers in the history of the store. Speaking of them… Twilight gave the approaching pony her warmest, fakest grin she reserved just for these sort of moments.

“So, you’re the cashier, right?”

“I suuure am! Is there something I can help you with?”

“Yes. I have a code here, ah, hmm. Yes. It was FunInTheSun.”

“I… beg your pardon?”

“FunInTheSun. That’s the code for the coupon. Now I get 25% off, right?”

“Ma’am? That code is for online purchases, not… in person.”

The pony stared dumbfounded at Twilight, who had to remind herself not to facehoof in front of potential buyers, especially before they actually make their purchases. The mare took a deep breath and faced Twilight with a steady glare.

“I’d like to speak with your manager,” The customer huffed, pressing a hoof against the counter for emphasis.

“Yeah, you and me both, sister,” Twilight muttered, but called him over wearily. She had a feeling it was going to be a while before she’d be able to speak with him in private.

It had been a long and weary day, and Twilight’s hooves wobbled unsteadily as she tottered over to the manager’s office. Her migraine had subsided to a dull ache, and after her shift the flow of obnoxious customers had lessened slightly. Still, eight hours standing up wore her out in ways she wished she didn’t understand. Raising a hoof, Twilight knocked tentatively on the door.

The manager shouted “Enter,” and Twilight steeled herself for a second before marching in.

“Sir,” she said, “I quit.”

The manager gave her a serene look, which no doubt masked his shock and surprise. “Very well, Twilight Sparkle. Your last paycheck will be in the mail. Please return your uniform at your earliest convenience.”

Twilight blinked rather stupidly at him for a few moments before taking a deep breath and letting it out in a calming sigh. “You’re… you’re not mad? Or dumbfounded? Or…”

He gave her a wry smile, the type of smile that Twilight recognized from experience as fake. “Twilight, I would have fired you long ago, had you not been a Princess. I accept your resignation, and expect that neither you nor that bear ever return. Have a pleasant day, Your Highness.” He looked back down at his paperwork and waved a hoof in a clear sign of dismissal.

Twilight walked slowly out of his office in a daze. She wasn’t entirely sure of how that went so smoothly, but she was certain of three things.

The first was that she had a killer hangover, and would never drink quite that much again, no matter how badly a job was going. She also had a bar to apologize to, for vomiting on their floor, as well as a magical experiment to test out later involving upchucking in levitation magic.

The second was that, while she now understood a bit of what retail ponies went through, she never ever ever wanted to work there again. That much was absolutely certain in her mind. She had tried it to see if she liked it, and she despised it. Well, it was a lesson learned, she figured.

The third was that she had her two marefriends to thank for their kindness. They’d been so helpful when she was at her worst, and she simply had to do something to make up for it. Maybe they’d go shopping together, as a fun outing! Though perhaps, Twilight thought, not at this particular location. She had seen enough of it for a lifetime, and she suspected that they had probably seen enough of her for their lifetimes as well.

Author's Note

Will Rarity show Twilight her patent-pending hangover cure? Will Fluttershy discover her animal's deep desire for discounted clothes? Will Twilight discover a new energy source from projectiles in telekinesis?

Find out absolutely none of this and more in my next fic!