The Past-Present Parents Paradox (or The Curious Case Of Discord)
“There, there, darling.” Rarity levitated a fresh bucket of ice cream on the table. “Sometimes it takes time for avant-garde ideas to be accepted, no matter how genius they are.”
Surrounded by a fort of empty buckets, Twilight wiped the tears from her face and buried her muzzle in the new batch of ice cream. Usually she was the one to calm others down, always there with ready and useful advice. Right now, though, she felt as heartbroken as the time her favorite Daring Do ship stopped being canon.
“I’m certain they will acknowledge their mistake.” Rarity patted Twilight on the back. “It’s all a matter of—“
“My mentor.” Fresh tears streamed down Twilight’s cheeks. “My childhood idol...” She gobbled another two mouthfuls of ice cream. “I feel so ashamed! My magic career is over! My Princess days are over!” Twilight buried her muzzle deeper in the bucket. “And all those poor chicks...”
“Nonsense, darling! I’m sure your spell is magnificent! Just because certain established figures are temporarily short-sighted is no reason for you to feel down!” Rarity teleported a box of tissues next to Twilight. “Believe you me, by this time next week, the whole of Canterlot will be saying—“
“Why, if it isn’t Twilight Sparkle the Poultry Princess!” A cloud of pink smoke appeared in the middle of the room, transforming into the familiar mismatched shape of Discord. “What’s the matter? Got egg on your face?” With a snap of his fingers, the draconequus morphed into a large yellow chick.
Rarity rolled her eyes and instinctively levitated a few of her more expensive rolls of cloth out of sight. Twilight, in contrast, buried her face further into the bucket. The day had been disastrous enough without her having to engage in demeaning explanations.
“I heard you were a real chick magnet.” Discord returned to his standard form and shoved Twilight in the side. “Right?”
“Oh, for goodness sake, can’t you see the poor thing is in enough pain already?” Rarity snapped, pushing the draconequus away. “Why don’t you go play with your hors d’oeuvres and silhouettes?”
“Why, I’m hurt!” Discord gasped. “Here I am spending my valuable time to offer support to a friend in need and this is what I get for my magnanimity? I’d never have expected such unbecoming behavior from the Princess of Friendship nor the Element of Generosity!”
Both ponies glared at him, lightning in their eyes.
“Fine!” The draconequus snapped his fingers. Spike suddenly appeared, seated on a stack of Ogres and Oubliettes manuals. “There’s was something I wanted to discuss with Spike anyway!”
“Hey, Discord.” The dragon waved, unfazed. “Hey, Twilight. H-hey—“ he swallowed, cheeks blushing “—Rarity.”
“If you must,” Rarity grumbled. “Hello, Spike-Wikey.” She smiled briefly at him before returning her attention back to Discord. “As long as you remain civil and orderly—and don’t even think about touching our ice cream—you are free to do so.” The fashionista levitated a new bucket from the kitchen. “There, there, now. I’m positive that your spell made a lasting impression.”
“Argh!” Twilight’s ears drooped flat on her skull.
“Trust me, darling! Outside you and Starlight, I don’t even know anypony who—“
“Seriously, Discord?” Spike’s voice could be heard from across the room. “You want a level five character to equip a level seven greatsword?”
“—manages to invent new spells, let alone—“
“Well, I don’t see any issues with it,” Discord grumbled in an overly whiny voice. “I do such things all the time. Have you heard anyone call me unrealistic or overpowered?”
“—let alone—” Rarity raised her voice, darting a furious glance at the O&O pair “—come up with an entirely new concept to assist—“
“Look, it says so right here!” Spike help a book in front of Discord’s face. “Characters can only use equipment of a matching or lesser level. I’ll let you carry the sword, but in order to use it you must gain the required skill level.”
“An entirely new concept to assist—“ Rarity said a breath short of shouting. Her attention was entirely focused on Spike and Discord. Even Twilight had stopped eating and was observing the duo with a level expression.
“If I wanted to be constrained by rules, I would have remained a statue!” Discord crossed his arms, shouting as well so that his voice could be heard over Rarity’s. “And let us not forget that time when you equipped your NPCs with—“
“That’s it!” Rarity yelled. “There will be no more discussions about swords, levels, equipment, and whatever other nonsense you’re chattering about!” She stomped her hoof on the floor. Immediately Spike turned pale. “I tried to be reasonable, I allowed you to discuss your games, hoping you’d understand what the suffering Twilight was going through! But did you?”
“Well, if I’m completely honest, I—“ Discord began, only to instantly get interrupted.
“From now on there will be no talk of opals, ovens, or any other games in this house!” Rarity stomped on the floor again. “If you don’t like it, you are free to leave! Understood?!”
“You never understand me, Mom!” Discord snapped back at the unicorn. “You and your constant rules! No playing in the house, no talking with the food, no running on the ceiling... well, I’ve had it!” The draconequus crossed his arms.
“M-Mom?!” Rarity stammered in anger, her face flustered to a bright scarlet glow.
“Not again,” Twilight sighed, covering head in an empty ice cream bucket.
“I beg your pardon!” Rarity stomped up to Discord. “I don’t know what scene you’re playing right now, but—“
“Maybe we should all just calm down?” Spike suggested hesitantly. “Take a deep breath and—“ Both Discord and Rarity glared at him, making him squeak silent. “Gulp.”
“And you’re no help as usual, Dad!” The draconequus snorted.
“‘Dad’?!” Rarity’s mane stood on end.
“Dad?” Spike gasped. “Dad?” He arched a brow. His eyes moved from Rarity to Discord, then back to Rarity again. “Dad...” A smile appeared on his face.
“Go ahead,” Twilight said in the most annoyed tone possible. “Why don’t you tell us all about it?” Bucket still on her head, she snuck her teeth in another mouthful of ice cream. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation.”
“Twilight, darling, don’t be preposterous.” Rarity said over her shoulder. “There is absolutely no way that...” she paused. Her better judgement kicked in. “I mean it’s very unlikely,” she said, artfully choosing every word. “Not that I don’t like you, Spikey-Wikey, but... life is so unexpected. I cannot even be sure what I’ll be like in a few years from now, and you have your responsibilities as...” She glanced about the room. “As royal Princess assistant!” Rarity added.
“Hmph,” Discord smirked. “You say that now, but in ten years it’s all cake, wedding bells, and you insisting on making the outfits to all your friends at the wedding.”
“Whoa!” Spike whispered, wide-eyed.
“Well, I would expect I am the only pony suitable to design the attire of my wedding.” Rarity tapped her chin with a hoof.
“Do I get to have wings?” Spike turned to Discord.
“But of course.” The draconequus patted him on the head. “Mom made them just for the occasion. You kept them in your wardrobe ever since, along with the other suits she made for you. And not once did you say what you really thought of the butterfly motif she used!”
Rarity glared at Spike critically on instinct. The dragon swallowed.
“Because they are magnificent?” Droplets of sweat formed on the dragon’s forehead.
“Wait!” Rarity narrowed her eyes. “How can we be your parents if you’re so much older than us? I mean, you’ve been here for thousands of years, since the dawn of time, as you frequently like to point out.”
“Time travel spell,” Twilight said from her place on the sofa. “All the cool kids use it, apparently.” She took another bite. “Do you have any more bittersweet cherry? It tastes much better than marshmallow.”
“What do you mean time travel spell?! Spike!” Rarity turned to the dragon. “Since when can you use magic?”
“Naturally not him.” Discord smiled smugly. “What our fine Poultry Princess means is that I have time travel magic... or I did and will have.” The draconequus morphed into a Möbius strip of himself. “Time is more complicated than it seems. Especially the first time!” A drum set appeared in mid air marking the punchline.
Ignore him, just ignore him. Twilight burrowed her muzzle deep into what remained of theice cream. There's no reason to get involved. I’m not curious in the least, I’ll just sit here and enjoy my ice cream and not get involved in the conversation. And yet the question had popped up in her mind, annoying her like a ball of yarn annoyed a kitten, urging her, tormenting her.
“Fine!” Twilight shouted, the empty ice cream bucket flying off her head. “How? Tell me how they can be your parents? I mean, what in Equestria even suggested the possibility!”
Silence filled the room. All eyes were fixed on Twilight.
“Draconequus,” Discord said at last. “Dracon...” He pointed at Spike. “Equus.” He then pointed at Rarity.
“And you just happened to decide to skip back in time to tell us that?” Twilight narrowed her eyes.
“Ha! As if!” Discord curled up like an annoyed snake. “I ran away! All thanks to my dear mama.” He pointed at Rarity with the tip of his tail. “Element of Generosity? Ha! Element of Tyranny, is more like it! At least dad was cool. He understood me. Mom, however...” Discord cringed. “Do you know I had to keep my limbs matched?” He teleported next to Twilight. “I was chaos incarnate, and she would insist on combing my mane and brushing my coat twice per day.”
“I don’t see that as something to complain about,” Rarity pouted.
“And the constant obsession with order!” Discord reached towards the ceiling. “Shirts and vests go on in the closet, hats go on the rack, horseshoes go in the drawer.”
“Horseshoes most definitely don’t go in the drawer!” Rarity gasped.
“See what I mean?” Discord whispered in Twilight’s ear. “Now do you see what I had to suffer though? And you wonder why I ran away to the dawn of time!”
“But I thought you dated Princess Celestia at the dawn of time?” Spike asked. Discord’s mane burst in green flames. Immediately Spike covered his mouth with both hands.
“Thanks a lot, Dad!” Flames came out of Discord’s nostrils. “Ten years before you’re married and you still mess things up for me!”
“You dated Princess Celestia?!” Twilight’s wings and ears perked up.
“It was just an innocent crush.” Discord looked away. “By her! I mean she had a crush on me, of course. I happened to be extraordinarily handsome when I was a colt. Celestia practically begged me to go back in time to be with her.” Everyone stared at the draconequus in silent disbelief. “Alright, maybe I had teensy-weensy crush on her.” A halo appeared round Discord’s head. “And... I might have asked Starlight to show me how time spells work... but only because a certain Poultry Princess wouldn’t!”
“Cool!” Spike grinned only to get a book on the head from Rarity.
“I’m going to have a few words with Starlight,” Twilight grumbled. “Not that I believe anything you’ve said! There are so many contradictions that I don’t know where to begin. And that’s not even touching the mentioning the principle of space-matter preservation! For what you say to be true you have to be a living paradox!”
“I don’t know, Twi.” Spike scratched his head. “He is the Spirit of Chaos. And you must admit he knew everything about use en after being encased in stone for millennia...”
“Fine. Whatever.” Twilight grabbed a half-full bucket of ice cream. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll get back to my moping!” She buried her muzzle inside.
“Well,” Rarity cleared her throat. “I don’t know what went wrong and who’s to blame. What I do know is that I’m going to the spa to relax after an extremely stressful day. When I get back I expect the boutique to be in pristine condition and Twilight to be feeling much better, because if that’s not the case...” She stomped on the floor, creating a small hoof impression. “Good day to you all!” Rarity trotted out, closing the door gently behind her.
Spike and Discord looked at each other. Rarity’s message had been crystal clear: “Clean up or else!” Of course, it didn’t matter that the main source of disorder had been Twilight all along. Discord’s shenanigans had merely added a minuscule touch of chaos to the established mess.
“So.” Spike grabbed another of his O&O manuals. “How about a level five sword with stats of a level seven?”
“Dad...” Discord grinned. “You’ll go far.”
